We all have toxic people in our lives. They’re our mothers, our boyfriends, colleagues, bosses, friends…

You can’t escape them.

And even if there was some perfect world with no toxic people in it, it’d probably be boring.

Toxic people keep you on your toes! They teach you things about yourself. They make you stronger.

So why would you want to get rid of them?

No, what you want to do is learn how to deal with them. So here are 13 things you should never EVER do when you’re around toxic people.

1. Try to please them.

Do you know someone who’s impossible to please? Who will always find something to complain about, even if you’ve done what they’ve asked of you?

That’s toxic people’s biggest tell: they’re impossible to please. You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.

So stop trying! Stop jumping through hoops so someone can feel important. This is no way to live your life.

2. Defend yourself.

Maybe there was a misunderstanding, and you just need to clear it up. Or maybe — just maybe! — if you explain why it’s not your fault, it will fix everything.

That might be true for normal people. But if you’re dealing with someone toxic, defending yourself is futile. They already made up their mind about you.

So please stop justifying yourself to toxic people. It puts you in a weak, defensive position.

A more empowering approach would be to completely ignore their criticisms and accusations.

3. React to provocations.

You have to understand that the main motivation behind toxic people’s words and actions is to feel powerful, important, and in control.

Even if that person appears to be confident and self-assured, on the inside they’re struggling with feelings of inferiority and disempowerment. Hence, the provocations.

Toxic people pushing your “hot buttons” achieve two goals. First, it makes them feel powerful (they made you react).

Second, it allows them to turn the tables on you, and claim that you are the problem. So if you respond by getting angry, the toxic person can say that you’re being rude, unreasonable, and aggressive.

And now they pushed you into a corner where you have to defend yourself again. See how that works?

4. Say “yes” when you want to say “no.”

We’ve all been there. You don’t really want to say “yes,” but you do anyway. You ignore your better judgment because you want to avoid a conflict, or make someone happy.

It’s OK to put someone’s needs above your own from time to time. It shows that you can be unselfish, and sacrifice your own comfort for others.

But with toxic people, the demands and favors never stop. They expect you to always put their needs above yours.

So stop being a “yes person,” and start valuing your time and resources.

5. Argue or try to prove something.

Just like defending yourself, trying to change a toxic person’s mind is a complete waste of time.

There is NOTHING you can say or do to prove to them that they’re wrong. They’re not even listening; they’re just waiting to respond.

Toxic people will stubbornly cling to their beliefs, even in the face of hard facts and compelling arguments.

Quite simply, anything that doesn’t align with their worldview is “fake news.”

6. Assume responsibility for how they feel.

Toxic people never take responsibility for anything, especially for their feelings. Instead, they blame others for how they feel.

This isn’t just true of toxic people. We act that way too when we say: You upset me. You made me angry. You made me do this. But really, the way we react is our choice, albeit an unconscious one.

Every situation can be seen from multiple points of view. So there isn’t just one way to feel about it.

Although we’re all guilty of this to some degree, toxic people take it to the extreme. How they feel is always someone else’s fault.

Then it becomes a game of emotional blackmail: If you do this, you’ll make me sad/upset/hurt, etc.

Everyone’s responsible for their own feelings. If you’re not doing anything intentionally hurtful, you shouldn’t have to measure your actions against how it will make someone feel.

7. Share personal information.

This is a no-brainer: the less a toxic person knows about you, the better.

Whatever they learn about you, rest assured, they will share it with other people. And not in the most flattering way, either.

Or, they will use what they know about you against you. Information is ammunition to them.

So watch what you say around a toxic person. Stay clear of discussing your family, your medical history, your finances, and anything else you consider personal when a toxic person is listening.

And believe me, they’re listening! They’re hanging on to every word you say.

8. Play their mind games.

Toxic people’s mind games are their way of getting what they want.

And because what they want is usually unsavory, they can’t be direct about it. So they have to resort to games and manipulation to satisfy their needs.

The games are many: blame game, guilt trip game, silent treatment game, gaslighting game, etc. Here’s a post that goes into the specifics of each mind game:

7 Sneaky Tactics Emotionally Abusive People Use to Get Their Way

Know the games so you don’t end up playing them! When you know what they are, you’ll see right through them, and you won’t be so easily manipulated.

9. Let them steal your joy.

Toxic people have the effect of sucking the life out of people around them.

Tell them good news — they’ll find a way to turn it into bad news. Share an achievement — they’ll dismiss it or underplay it. Come visit them in a good mood — leave in a crappy one.

The thing about toxic people is, they want everyone to feel as miserable as they do.

So when they bring you down, it’s quite intentional.

Don’t let them. When you see that mopey dark cloud coming your way, run! Unless you feel strong and grounded in your joy.

10. Gossip and talk s**t

Gossiping about other people is a low-vibrational activity. In other words, it brings you down, even if at the moment you’re deriving pleasure from it.

Toxic people will often try to engage you in gossip, as if to prove that you’re no better than them. They get great satisfaction from the fact that they were able to involve you in their shit talk.

And naturally, they’ll try to talk about people they sense you dislike.

Walk away, even if you have something to say. Remember: they talk the same way about you behind your back.

11. Question your self-worth.

The worst thing you can do when you’re around a toxic person is question your self-worth. Yet it’s so easy to do.

Without saying much at all, toxic people can cause a lot of damage to your self-esteem, if you let them. One carefully chosen word, or even just a tone — and suddenly you feel less than.

It’s hurtful. It’s mean. But it was said with such subtlety, you’re doubting your own perception, telling yourself you’re probably reading too much into this.

That’s passive-aggressiveness at its finest.

The best you can do in this situation is to remember these two things:

1. You’re not wrong, and you’re not crazy. They meant to take a stab at you.
2. They do it because their life is unbearably shitty, and deep down they really hate themselves.

12. Collect injustices.

When you’re around toxic people for a long period of time, you might start exhibiting the symptoms of toxicity.

You’ll become irritable, depressed, anxious, emotionally unstable and very, very exhausted.

When you’re in this weakened state, it’s tempting to blame it all on a toxic person.

And you’re right, they’ve probably wronged you too many times to count.

But be careful of keeping scores and collecting injustices. Don’t hold grudges. It will destroy your inner peace.

If something’s in the past — leave it in the past.

In all likelihood, you’re the only one who’s still tormented by these memories. A toxic person has forgotten all about it.

13. Stoop to their level.

Sometimes it seems that the only way of dealing with toxic people is to treat them the way they treat you. Maybe then they’ll understand what it’s like.

Before you know it, you’re not yourself anymore. You’ve become this snarky, angry, miserable person, and you don’t know how to stop.

The worst thing you can do when you’re around toxic people is lose yourself.

As hard as it is, resist the urge to respond in an “eye for an eye” manner.

Meet judgment with tolerance. Answer ignorance with intelligence. Match arrogance with humility. Treat nastiness with kindness.

If you do that, toxic people will be powerless against you.

NEXT

10 Steps to Taking Your Power Back From a Toxic Person

5 Ways Toxic People Violate Your Boundaries

4 Clever Mind Hacks For Dealing With Toxic People