If you’re a human living on planet Earth, you know at least one person who can be described as “difficult,” “emotionally abusive” or “toxic.”
These creatures can be identified by their uncanny abilities to create drama out of thin air and exploit other people for their satisfaction.
Here are their favorite weapons of mass destruction.
1. Silent Treatment
Emotionally abusive people ignore, silence, and dismiss you to punish you.
Punishment is at the heart of silent treatment.
And make no mistake about it — it’s a form of emotional abuse. It’s so cruel and destructive that it activates the same part of the brain (anterior cingulate cortex) that detects physical pain.
Yet a toxic person believes it’s fair. And the more you grovel and apologize, the more they are convinced you deserve it.
2. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic aimed at undermining your perception, thus making you second-guess yourself, and even question your sanity. A toxic person uses this technique to warp reality in their favor.
If you confront them about their passive-aggressive behavior, they’ll just look shocked, then say:
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve done no such thing to you. I think you’re just being too sensitive. We all feel like we have to walk on eggshells around you.”
Gaslighting is also a form of emotional abuse. It erodes the very foundation of your being: your ability to trust yourself.
3. Guilt Trip
Guilt trips are the bread and butter of emotionally abusive people.
They know that if they can make you feel guilty, you will feel obligated to make up for the supposed transgression.
Of course, the only reason you can be manipulated this way is that, unlike them, you are a decent human being with a sound conscience.
By invoking guilt and shame – two very toxic emotions, they achieve absolute compliance with their wishes, all the while playing the victim.
4. The Blame Game
While it’s a normal human tendency to shift blame onto someone else, a toxic person takes it to an extreme. It’s always someone else’s fault.
The blame game allows them to be instantly absolved of any wrongdoing while remaining in control.
It can range from casual finger-pointing to severe emotional outbursts such as rage, silent treatment, name-calling, and even physical violence.
Yet again, this is a form of abuse.
5. Triangulation
Triangulation means involving a third party in a two-person conflict, where a third person plays the role of a proxy, a messenger, a negotiator, etc.
A typical example of triangulation in a dysfunctional family is when a narcissistic mother intentionally pits her children against one another (divide and conquer technique) to make them compete for her affection.
Another way an emotionally abusive person uses triangulation is by trashing you to other people, thus creating “alliances.” This allows them to avoid direct communication with you, and still express disapproval.
6. Projection
Like a projector casts an image onto a screen, a toxic person projects their flaws, fears, and wrongdoings onto others.
It’s a defense mechanism that allows them to maintain a sense of superiority while condemning others for the very traits they possess.
Examples of projection are legion. A toxic person will accuse you of being dishonest, even though they are a pathological liar.
They will complain that you’re rude and disrespectful, even though they’ve never shown you an ounce of respect.
They will call you a drama queen even though every conflict essentially stems from them.
Is there a way you can make them see their projections? Not likely.
Emotionally abusive people are not known for their self-awareness, and they’re not interested in self-improvement either. They’re already perfect!
So the chance that they will take responsibility for their manipulative behavior is about zero.
7. Smear Campaign
The jig is up: you see them for who they are. In this scenario, their best course of action is to discredit you. That’s why the smear campaign.
With the smear campaign, a toxic person aims to destroy your reputation while simultaneously elevating themselves to the status of a saint.
Since they can easily transform from an abusive narcissist to a poor helpless victim, they can manipulate other people (a.k.a. the flying monkeys) to question your character. You may even find yourself ostracized or bullied.
That is the ultimate goal – to humiliate and isolate you. There’s no plan beyond that. Vicious gossip can destroy lives, but a toxic person doesn’t care, as long as they come up on top.
What Can You Do to Counteract These Tactics?
Your best defense is knowing who you’re dealing with.
Read the literature about abusive, narcissistic, toxic people. Look for the signs. Know the facts. Learn the vocabulary. It’s much harder to gaslight someone who knows what gaslighting is!
In conducting your research you may realize that toxic people are more dangerous than you could have imagined.
They’re capable of inflicting real psychological harm. They can be the source of torment, anxiety, depression, marital discord, and many other untold destructive consequences for the people around them.
Yet they are so skilled at masking their pathology, that family members and their social circle usually support them. So the victims are left to fend for themselves.
That’s why it’s important to understand who you’re dealing with, what they’re capable of, and why the relationship with this person seems impossible or painfully draining.
Once you start connecting the dots, they can’t pull the wool over your eyes anymore. You’ve won half the battle.
Now you just have to win the battle inside your mind.
NEXT
How to Start an Emotional Abuse Recovery Blog
Why You Attract Toxic People (8 Reasons That Will Surprise You)
How to Disarm a Manipulator (When You’re a People Pleaser)
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Reading these comments on MIL makes me sad. I am a MIL who has a DIL who doesn’t like her. She doesn’t acknowledge me or my husband when we come in. She doesn’t acknowledge anything we do to anyone, but does thank me when I come when she needs me to watch, but praised her Mom publicly for watching the kids 2 of the 7 days , the other five I watched them. Praises my ex, but complains about him to me for spending more time with the other grandkids than hers. When I do watch them, she immediately finds things to criticize me over…i.e. that outfit doesn’t match, so she started telling me and laying out what the children are to wear day by day. I ask for ideas for them, and never get them until her family and I mean all of her family, are given first choice and then have been asked to not give it to them until they receive their gifts from the others so as not to ruin the excitement. Her mother’s gift is to be given last at birthdays and a big ordeal is made over it. At our gatherings she mopes around and again, no acknowledgement when she comes in. I use to offer to go to lunch, but after a while I stopped when she never had the time. I offer to come help her and no, she doesn’t want my help. I don’t get to have any holidays. I would clean when I watched the four children to help out, but was accused of taking things, so I don’t do that anymore. I do not just drop in because I never feel welcomed. When she needs a sitter I drop everything and I am there. I watched the grandchild and took care of the house and meals for 2 weeks before she gave birth. She barely talked to me while there and as soon as she gave birth, her parents came and we were told to leave and it was a holiday. My son apologized, but said she didn’t like a lot of people around. She is controlling of the children, i.e. never takes them shoe shopping or clothing shopping so she can control what they look like. Once one of the girls did her own hair and I praised her on what a good job she did, but when the DIL came home she asked who did it (thinking I did since she immediately looked at me) when the daughter told her she did as she was grinning ear to ear to which the DIL told her that she would fix it. The granddaughter looked deflated and I am sure my face was like what the heck. I was standing with she, her Mom and a neighbor and she immediately introduced her Mom and ignored me completely. I buy things for her like I do for my other adult children to get no acknowledgement and find them given away instead of at least letting me return it. She told me once that if I expected her to love me like she does her Mom I could forget it because that was not going to happen. At functions she takes pictures with she and her Mom and our Grandchildren and I am never included or acknowledge on social media that I was even there. I have had people ask if I wasn’t there. She disrespects me in any way possible. How do I deal, I cry in private and I do not confront. I say hello when I come in or she comes in. I don’t bother my son, because he has enough on his plate and I won’t cause more friction than is already there. He is oblivious, but he gets bitched enough by her on other things, so I will not give her more fuel. She interprets things I have said without clarification or communication. Example: children told me that their Mother said that they were no longer going to decorate for Halloween and she was not taking them Trick or Treating or buying outfits. I said, what? Your Dad has always been a big Halloween guy! What? Really he is okay with this? It just completely threw me because they had been decorating and doing the whole things for 12 years. I did not call him. He called me the next day about something unrelated and I told him what they had said and he said what, no, what. He said that she had never liked that Holiday, but he said he would have to find out but if she didn’t take them he would. So it became I was going behind her back calling him, questioning their decisions (which wasn’t obviously theirs) and trying to put one against the other. I would have liked to call her, but one, she never answers when I do call and two, she has not allowed for any open communication. I can’t believe the horror stories above, but there are some horror stories from the MIL side too. I could give so many more things, that have happened. I have cried and been hurt so much that I have almost thrown in the towel. I hate commercials depicting MIL as awful, because it is like you are suppose to hate them and they are all horrible people. I was always hoping for a DIL that I could be close to. I am one who doesn’t confront, I do not always voice my opinion unless it is something being said or done in MY home that I will not tolerate. There are things I do not agree with that all 3 of my grown children do, but it is their lives. I had a difficult MIL, but she was my husband’s Mother and I learned from my Mother RESPECT and tolerance. Both sides should respect each other.
Pg,
I can tell that this is a hurtful situation for you. You don’t feel respected enough and appreciated enough by your DIL, and that people are being unfair always painting the MIL as the bad guy. I do agree that one person can’t be blamed for the entire relationship between two people. However, in your very detailed message I didn’t see one instance where you felt like you were at fault, or where you regret how you acted or what you said. It seems that you’ve done nothing wrong, never gave your DIL any reason to dislike you, yet she treats you like dirt, doesn’t want to go to lunch with you, doesn’t include you in social media etc. That simply doesn’t make sense, unless she’s some sort of psychopath.
I don’t think you’re a bad MIL, or a bad person for that matter. I do believe that you care, and you just want to be appreciated. But perhaps you go about it the wrong way. If you were more willing to see what you could have done differently, or where you might improve (communication comes to mind!) then perhaps your DIL wouldn’t be keeping you at arm’s length.
And…you wrote “respect” in capital letters. In my experience a lot of mothers-in-law talk about respect, and how they don’t get any. But to many of those mothers “respect” means “shut up and do as I say.” The moment you disagree with them, or voice your own opinion, or contradict them, or, god forbid, argue, they cry: disrespect! You say: both sides should respect one another. I couldn’t agree more. It’s just that respect means different things to different people, especially people of different generations…Peace )
Hi PG,
Your story sounds awfully difficult and to me it seems your DIL has some issues she herself needs to work out. It seems her family and others who are present whilst she’s treating you like this are either oblivious to it or don’t care, which strikes me as odd. I think family and friends should be able to call you out when you’re being an ass. So therefore, it would be reasonable to suspect that these behaviours are learned from them unfortunately. It seems like you do a lot for someone who treats you this way, I’m guessing for the children. Maybe speak to the children (if they’re old enough), not in detail as you don’t want to be going behind your DIL’s back, but just saying that you feel like you might be unwelcome there so your visits may need to be elsewhere. Or try talking to her, sometimes people treat people badly unconsciously and don’t actually realise they’re upsetting you. Tell her straight forwardly, how it makes you feel, how much you’d like a good relationship with her, implore her to think about how the children could be affected by it as it is now and if it’s something she’s insecure about, reassure her that you’re not expecting to have a relationship that mirrors the one she has with her own mum, but that you think it would be better for everyone if you could get on, or at least be civil.
I will say, the one part that made me feel disappointed in your message was the part about respect at the end. Sadly there ARE a lot of abusive parents and grandparents, who demand respect but really haven’t earned it. I don’t think it should just be ‘a given’ that there is respect either way. It’s earned over time. Yes of course there should be some level of respect to any new person you meet, but that can quickly be lost if you feel slighted by someone in any way or recognise traits in them that are worrisome. Perhaps you reminded her of someone who hurt her (not your fault but it could explain) or you said/did something without realising. Or, like Lana says, perhaps she has psychopathic tendencies, maybe some mental health issues she needs help with and it’s really not your fault at all. Any of these though, letting yourself become ‘the victim’ in the situation can look self-adulating, weak or attention-seeking. I think empathy, communication and calm confrontation (take someone to support and protect you if you feel you need it) would be best.
Happy marriage to a citizen from another country, in laws convinced us to move to the other country where they are from, promised full financial support since their income can easily support. They built a new house to let us live in the old house with their crazy dog that bites everyone but they don’t want the dog to pee in their new house during the day, a year and a half of toxicity signs from mil that I didn’t notice, worked in the family business with father in law, not for a wage,( my mistake) no rent slowly learning a hard language, food, clothes, etc. Had our first kid and then things went super wrong, mother in law ignored anything my spouse and I said, but spouse is too pressured to stand up for themselves, parents offered to let us stay in the new house for the first three months, that changed to just sil(sister) mil, my wife and our baby, while I, fil, and dog stay in the old house, I expressed disconcerns but it was best for baby not enough room for everyone, closer to the date the plan changed to only me in the old house. I asked for a key to the house to help out In the morning, mil stated that the girls needed time to prepare in the morning and said I can come over at 1pm till 9pm every day and she knows I work for fil in the afternoons, I put my foot down then the smear campaign hit, the food in my belly, the bed that I sleep in, the clothes on my back, my job, all payed for by my fil screamed my mil, super ugly fight which got worse when I tried to calmy explain that the old house is just fine for the baby and wife, she screamed that she has to take care of her daughter after the surgery so my wife would recover faster from c section, I told her her daughter is 29 years old and that I could take care of her, was completely ignored, a lot smear tactics, that I couldn’t speak the language at all even though the fight was in her language not English, that I couldn’t drive( driving test here takes around 1 year, and without mil/fil help their daughter couldn’t go to the hospital, (before the baby when we were looking at the insurance with business coverage mil/fil promised full support to buy any baby necessities, food, diaper, clothes, bed,bath, etc, even though we already manages to pick up quite a bit with the savings we had) any way my Visa is sponser by the business, housing, etc all on them and mil threatened to pull all support if we took the baby 50 feet away to the old house, baby doesn’t have dual citizenship yet, country’s laws only apply for citizens, tried to at least get them to leave the dog with me since the dog bites anyone who pets him even mil,fil, etc and barks incredibly loud all of the time, that was a no go as well, the worst part of the fight was being called a derogatory name for foriegner and told I wasn’t part of their family and to go back to USA. (Whole fight in front of wife and newborn) so day 8 seen my kid 22.5 hours total, can’t sleep, can’t eat, lonely, I have only been alone with my kid for an hour and a half, mil gets the kid while the wife sleeps 7am till she wakes up, wife has to take care of the kid from 9pm till 7am unless the mil wants to sleep in or is busy. Don’t have any friends here with basic language skills that are only fluent in the category of what I work and most basic conversations, wife says it’s only for a month till she recovers, I doubt that will be the case, tried talking with fil on multiple occasions all failed, broken-down a couple times or panic attacks don’t know, ended up punching the floor not from anger just to have a different pain, right hand is pretty bad, can’t stress out my wife any more(can’t go into personal details about her), so only way to protect my family is just to wait it out and asking permission via text before I can go over only in the 1pm to 9pm. No family back home to communicate with, no friends here, no alone time with three of us so conversations are bare minimum if inlaw overhear more fighting happens,
Trapped, what country are you currently in? Maybe someone can give better advice if we know where you are.
Trapped, that sounds awful. I’m so sorry…It does sound like your in-laws are pretty toxic. Regardless of how they feel about you, calling you a derogatory name is never OK! I do hope that the situation changes for the better for you, and you’ll at least have the support from your wife. I understand you not wanting to worry her, but you have to take care of yourself, too. And maybe it’s like your wife says, only temporary…And in the meantime…you are welcome to vent or just drop in and say hi. You’re not alone 🙂
My soon to be MIL does all of these repeatedly. Unfortunately my finacee has been dealing with this for years and just says to ignore it and do what she says. The constant silent treatment, walking on egg-shells, things I have to change about myself or give up to please her is getting unbearable, and there seems to be no way to deal with someone like this easily, especially when we live with her. Stating silent doesnt help not does stating busy out of the house, those both start argument. Even if trying to defend my partner or self it usually ends up with us getting more upset and hurt. It’s not getting better. Now with the addition of our child it seems as though she is trying to undermine me as a new parent, and trying to take over. If she doesnt get time with our child for more time then she wants she will start fights and it never ends pretty. What is the best way to avoid constant conflict? Emotional pain? And now deal as a new parent with an individual with these tendencies?
Oh man…. after many years of jabs- forward and back- between my MiL and I, one day she walked into my house unannounced, physically pushed me, slapped me various time in front of my little kids, told my kids I was a terrible
Person and mother. She had a full blown melt down because I evened out gifts she brought from a trip between my kids. One of kids was given 13 plus gifts and the little one 5- when I noticed the little one crying and life staying was not fair (he has a disability as well), I, the mother decided to split the gifts up- period. That became the day she decided she would triangulate my husbands brother and the entire family. She circulated pictures of bruises and has gone on a smear camping that I physically attacked her. I did not hit her! After being pushed and slapped, I held her arms so they would stop
Slapping me. She has decided that she will never ever see me again, even if it means not seeing her grandchildren. My brother in law (husband brother), has also denied having me anywhere near his family. My husband is in a bind. I feel terrible for my husband, but he doesn’t communicate much with me, so I stand in the dark Constantly guessing my future. I can live a normal life and Move on as a person while this cloud glooming my marriage and family. It’s been over 8 months in this little game. I with open arms am always willing to let go And move on because like is short and I don’t want my kids deprived of a loving grandparent relationship. I have been the ONlY one in 7plus years of her mayhem to apologize, even when there is nothing I feel I have done to apologize. She’s never (NEVER) apologizes for anything. She never wrong and superior type Personality’. I know I am not perfect, but I felt I had to take control of my life without living in her beliefs and opinions and that is what started the real drift. I know no marriage can sustain others constant sowing seeds of division (especially family of origin) , wedges and a life filled constant tension and drama. No man should have to choose and it’s not fair to him. I have even pondered leaving him for his own good and mine. My husband doesn’t get that rejection hurts, and I feel like an awful person, yet I haven’t done anything awful or slandered anyone. I would gladly move to Alaska to save my Marriage and spear my children pain, but I think husband is under an impression that it will be okay to continue down this path…. scared to see how the division of holidays will come down! PS she has a history and is notorious of cutting people out and smear Champaign’s.
My MIL is the exact definition of toxic. I started to think I was the problem and now reading these articles about toxic people especially MILs, I actually feel a sense of relief. She’s manipulative in front of my husband and her family but if it’s just her and me in a room, she becomes someone else. I’ve taken it a step further by recording our conversations and then playing them back to my husband. That’s probably the only way I’d get him to believe me or else he’d probably think I was the crazy one. She is spiteful and conniving and I’m so relieved I’m not the only one dealing with a MOL like this.
My MIL has been causing me pain for 16yrs. She pits my husband and I against each other. She fabricates lies and plays the victim like a pro. My husband turns on me very quickly in regards to his mother. She is a highly jealous person, of me and even her son. She has been trying for years to insert herself into my relationship with my sister and friends. She has succeeded with my best friend. They have recently even lied to me about getting together, justifying it by placing blame on me. I am finally beginning to detach my emotions and recognize her mastery in manipulation. How can I help my husband see her behavior for what it is? How can we instill healthy tactics for dealing with her behaviour if he cant accept it for what it is?
Alanna,
everyone has their own journey when it comes to navigating toxic relationships. You are clearly further along than your husband and you’d like him to catch up. But it has to happen organically. Either way, you have to be OK with the very likely possibility that your partner will never see his mother for who she really is. Concentrate on your own experience with her, practicing emotional detachment and healthy boundaries. The more aware you are, the less likely she is to cause drama in your life. And as you change how you are with her and how you react to her, that will change the dynamic of your relationship with her, as well as your relationship with your husband.
My MIL is always talking bad about me to my husband behind my back & then he comes to me & tells me about it. She even talks bad about me to my kids that are grown & she does it right in front of me like I’m not even there. Like for instance, Christmas all my children came over with their wives & girlfriends & my MIL had a couple drinks & the whole time they were here she talked bad about me, saying I was using her son & that whatever I want I get & that I think I’m the queen of the house & that I’m self centered. Which none of that is true but I am the queen of the castle just like my husband is the king. She lives with us too for many yrs now. She’s always got something sarcastic to say to me so I leave the room & go spend my time alone in our bedroom where I feel more comfortable. I can’t ever say anything without her making it about her so I don’t really talk anymore. I stay isolated in my room. I feel like I’m always depressed when I’m home, I never have an appetite anymore when. I feel like she’s taking over OUR home. My husband and I never get time to ourselves unless we leave our home b/c she’s always around, from the time we wake up to the time we go to bed unless we’re at work. She’s taken over the TV in the livingroom & she’s got one in her own room but never uses it but it’s ALWAYS on. If I want to watch something different than her, I’ll go in our bedroom & watch tv but then she thinks since I’m in our room that I don’t like her & I don’t want to spend time with her. Last night she had a couple drinks & started talking bad about me to my 26 yr old son & I was sitting next to him listening to her bad talk me & then I snapped & started yelling at her & telling her the truth about everything & she said I was lying. Normally I keep my mouth shut b/c I don’t want any conflict. I’m a very passive person & try to avoid conflict all the time but this time she got to me & I completely lost it but it did make me feel a little better that I got some things off my chest. She’s an attention getter & thinks the world should revolve around her but she tries to make it look like I’m the one seeking attention. I actually wish I was invisible sometimes where nobody would pay attention to me or talk to me especially her. She will talk just to hear herself, she never does the silent treatment, she just will talk your head off till you can’t take it anymore & leave the room or just ignore her. I’ve heard the same stories from her over 100 times like she forgets she tells me or she’s just talking to hear herself. She never leaves the house but to do grocery shopping or go to her doctor visits. She won’t go visit her friends or family but then complains nobody asks her to go anywhere b/c she says she doesn’t want to go, so we stop asking her. Her excuse is that she can’t leave the dogs alone in the house together. Mind you, they’ve never been alone together b/c she won’t give them a chance to be alone. I have so much more to say but I’ll leave it at that for now. I can’t open up to her b/c she will just knock me back down & make me feel like crap or use it against me for her own reasoning. She’s an Aries & I’m a Cancer if that helps at all.
Deana,
your story is very familiar…it’s classic toxic MIL. You mentioned your astrological signs, so I take it that you believe in higher forces and deeper meaning behind things. You have to apply that knowledge to your relationship with your MIL. She’s in your life for a reason. What could the reason be? I don’t know, think about it. Off the top of my head, maybe to teach you to put more worth into yourself, respect yourself enough to put up boundaries with people who tend to drain you. She’s talking too much, telling the same story over and over? Excuse yourself and go some place else. She’s been critical or disrespectful? Say you don’t appreciate being talked to that way. Don’t feel like talking to her? Don’t pick up the phone. Just listen to yourself and know where your boundaries lie.
Lana
Deana-
I’m a fellow cancer with a situation almost identical to yours with my MIL. I’ve even been ill in recent months, and me resting after work in our bedroom is seen as me neglecting her. She is so draining. She never asks how I’m feeling or how work is going, it’s all about what she wants/needs. I hear the same stories 100’s of times, standing there wondering if she is developing dementia, lol. My kids are 5 and 12 , but I can 100% envision her being the same when my kids are older (talking bad about me- she has from day 1). Any time I’ve ever brought something she has done to light, she directs blame back onto me (lying constantly) and has never apologized for anything. I’m sorry for your situation (my MIL lives an hour away). Hopefully you can take solace in knowing you’re not alone and find the peace you deserve eventually !
When I am hurt by what you’ve done to me, I distance myself and remain silent.
I am not trying to punish or hurt the person who hurt me. The silent treatment as everyone calls it, it’s my way of dealing with the pain I’m feeling. I’m heartbroken ????
My silence is because I’m tire of trying to communicate something to the person who simply doesn’t care.
Noheli,
I think there is a difference between taking some time to deal with a difficult situation and deliberately freezing someone out in order to punish them, or cause them pain, guilt, anxiety and other “consequences.” It’s OK not to speak to someone when you don’t want to, or when you feel like it’s in vain. I would not call that behavior silent treatment. Silent treatment is essentially a manipulation designed to influence you, or cause you discomfort. Especially when it’s perpetrated by someone close to you.
How can you tell the difference? Maybe it’s healthy for them to pull back and distance themselves for a time and not talk for a while but it looks the same regardless. I don’t want to be upset I’m receiving the silent treatment then call them out on it to be told “what are you talking about?!” And then also accuse them of gaslighting. How do you truly know it’s the silent treatment?
underground girl,
You’re right, it can be confusing. You have to judge by the context and the overall character of the individual. Is it someone who has a tendency to be controlling, deceptive, manipulative? “My way or the highway” type of person? Someone with a black and white view of reality?
When someone wants to pull back for a time they don’t do it maliciously, or to punish you. It’s just how they deal with the situation. They might even tell you that: I’m sorry I just need some time to myself to cool off/think about it etc. If you were to reach out and, say, apologize to them, they would not ignore you.
Silent treatment is different. It’s when someone completely cuts off communication with you in response to something you did or said. They may block your number, unfollow you on social media, even stop talking to your spouse/kids/family members to try to hurt you more. This is clearly meant as a punishment. If you reach out to them, they’ll ignore you because they want to be in control. *They* will decide when it’s OK to talk again, not you.
I know this post is old but I hope you read this – I appreciate that you are trying to shine some light on this. I think the information you gave was very informative. I also can see why people are still confused. I have a masters in psych but still get confused when it comes to my personal romantic relationships because I’m just too close to the situation. I left a highly abuse relationship after 15 years. I have a new boyfriend and told my therapist about what I considered to be “red flags “. She then gave me a bunch of information about the personality of a narcissist (the relationship I left) and several things happened: I realized that the “red flags” I thought I was seeing in my new relationship were really just some small similarities and since I had not seen it the first time around I was being hyper – vigilant (you said you have to consider the whole person and their character), I also realized that because of my new knowledge of narcissism, my ex’s tactics had significantly less power over me, and I also began to trust myself and my instincts more.
Thank you for what you do and working to make a difference- this subject needs to be discussed more!!!
Jessica
Thank you so much Jessica!
I know it’s a confusing and somewhat obscure subject…but the more we know, the more powerful we are!
Lana
Thank you for clarifying that this treatment especially the silent treatment is in fact abuse. It’s gotten to he danger zone after he death of my son. I really don’t know what to do about it. It’s that bad but thank you for the information.
Lynette,
I’m so sorry about your son. And yes, silent treatment is one of the worst forms of psychological abuse, especially coming from a significant other, and especially when you’re trying to reach out. I don’t know if there is a perfect defense against it…But knowing that it’s abuse and manipulation helps…
My mother uses each on of these tactics with absolute precision. Almost worst class mastery. I am 34 years old and recently went no contact with her. For the longest time, I truly believed she loved me and was just “difficult.” No I know the truth… she is only interested in controlling me and my wife, and is completely toxic at her being. Sadness followed by healing.
Thank god you recognised it. I have had instances where I had no cognition of it and it would leave me wondering whats wrong.
JT, you are amazing for recognising that and taking the steps necessary to protect yourself and your wife. Unfortunately my ex husband couldn’t see it, it ultimately broke up our marriage, in combination with him replicating the behaviours. It was devastating.