Are you dating a real-life Mr. Big? These signs can tell you if you’ve fallen for an emotionally unavailable man, and what to do about it.

Carrie and Mr. Big… Although it’s been 10 years since the finale of Sex and the City, the central relationship of my favorite HBO series still puzzles me.

Was it true love or just another trauma bond toxic relationship?

The creators of the show, including the book author Candace Bushnell, seem to be leaning toward the latter. In fact, Bushnell said that Carrie and Big wouldn’t end up together in real life (like she didn’t end up with her Mr. Big).

But fans wanted the fairytale…So in the last episode (spoiler alert!) Carrie jumps into the arms of a manipulative self-centered commitment-phobe who only wanted her when he couldn’t have her.

If you suspect that you, too, have fallen for an emotionally unavailable man like Mr. Big, listen up!

Mr. Big types are just as common today as they were in the 90s. You just have to look past their façade.

Nowadays Mr. Big is not a sharp-dressed executive lurking around your house in a limousine. Today he’s more likely to be a cool and progressive guy who wears distressed jeans and calls himself a feminist.

He’s exciting, brilliant, and sexy. But you have a nagging feeling that something doesn’t feel right. How did Carrie put it?

It’s just — it’s exhausting.

So here are 13 signs you’re dating ‘Mr. Big,’ and why you should dump him (even though he is oh-so-dreamy).

13 Signs That You’re Dating Mr. Big

1. He Won’t Let You Into His Heart

Whether he thinks being human is a weakness or he’s just emotionally numb, his heart is a fortress.

Much of your relationship is you chasing after him, trying to convince him — verbally and nonverbally — to love you.

But no matter how hard you try and how much love you give him, he remains frozen and only capable of superficial displays of affection.

Just like Mr. Big — who could surprise Carrie with a grand gesture but always stayed just out of her reach.

2. He Leads You On

He is unable to give himself to you, yet he won’t let you go.

This type of man gives you crumbs of affection — just enough to keep you hooked. And every time you’re about to slip away, he reappears with a dramatic declaration of love.

He may be honest about not wanting a relationship — like Mr. Big was — but he still leads you on by sending mixed signals and giving you hope that one day he’ll change his mind.

3. He Keeps You Hidden Away

Carrie: Why is it so hard for you to factor me into your life in any real way?
Mr. Big: I guess old habits die hard.

Big kept Carrie “compartmentalized.” He controlled when and where they saw each other and didn’t want to introduce her to his family, friends, etc.

At one point Carrie even suspected that Big was embarrassed by her and saw their relationship as a secret affair.

If you have a feeling your guy has put you in his “secret box” and isn’t opening his life to you, you might be dating Mr. Big.

4. He is Unreliable and Unpredictable

A relationship is a give-and-take. It involves understanding and compromise.

But whenever you need your Mr. Big to come through, he bails on you.

For example, he’ll promise to be somewhere and then won’t show up.

Later he’ll give you some excuse, like “Sorry babe, had to work late.” But deep down you know that he just didn’t want to come and that you can’t count on him.

5. He Cheated Before

Even though Big never cheated on Carrie, he cheated on his wife with Carrie.

They don’t show the aftermath in the series, but in real life, Big would have gotten bored with Carrie and found himself a new plaything eventually.

So how do you know if your guy is a cheating, lying Mr. Big? Pay attention to how he talks about his cheating.

Is he sorry, embarrassed, regretful? Or is he making excuses for why he cheated? (“I didn’t love her,” “She cheated on me first,” “The marriage was already over,” etc.)

The more he excuses his behavior, the more likely he is to cheat again.

6. You Can’t Break It Off

One of the telltale signs of a doomed relationship is its on-and-off quality. You two keep breaking up and getting back together.

It’s like your heart (or another organ) is fighting with your head. Logically, you realize that this guy is not a good partner for you and that you should probably break it off.

But every time you do, you seem to be pulled back to him by some powerful mystical force.

Carrie once referred to her relationship with Big as an addiction where she is a masochist always coming back for more (“exquisite pain”).

7. He Has More Power In the Relationship

Mr. Big clearly had the upper hand in the relationship.

Similarly, your relationship isn’t truly the relationship of equals. Your guy makes all the major decisions and you’re just along for the ride.

He decides when and how often you meet, how intimate or open he wants to be, and if you have a fight, he decides when the fight is over.

8. You Can’t Be Yourself Around Him

I’m not like me. I’m, like, Together Carrie. I wear little outfits: Sexy Carrie and Casual Carrie. Sometimes I catch myself actually posing. — Carrie Bradshaw, SATC

Carrie felt like she wasn’t good enough for Big and that she had to try hard to keep him interested. Although some of it is Carrie’s personal insecurities, it was an accurate reflection of their power dynamic.

Mr. Big didn’t feel like Carrie was good enough for him. That’s why he married “perfect” Natasha, who seemed much more like the kind of woman he should be with.

If you feel like the guy you’re with won’t commit because he wants to keep his options open while he’s waiting for “Ms. Right,” you’re dating Mr. Big.

9. His Love Intensifies When You’re Ready to Let Him Go

Big always reappeared when Carrie was in a new relationship as if to make sure that he still had her hooked.

Perhaps, that was one of the biggest red flags about Mr. Big — “a man practically woven out of red flags,” as The New Yorker columnist calls him.

If the guy you’re dating starts “love-bombing” you when he feels that you’re slipping away, you might be in bed with Mr. Big.

10. He Isn’t Interested in You As a Person

Mr. Big rarely considered Carrie’s thoughts and feelings. He made decisions and acted out of his own selfish needs, without much interest in what Carrie wanted.

He also didn’t try to get to know Carrie better, treating her like his play toy instead. It seemed like they had nothing in common besides each other, and Big was hopelessly clueless about who Carrie really was.

If the guy you’re dating isn’t interested in your thoughts, interests, aspirations, friends, job, etc., he’s only interested in a superficial relationship. Just like Mr. Big.

11. Your Friends Can’t Stand Him

Throughout the series, Carrie’s friends witnessed all her ups and downs with Mr. Big, and they weren’t fans.

At one point Miranda even gave Carrie an ultimatum: “If you get back together with Big, don’t come crying to me when he hurts you again.”

If your friends or family are vocal about their dislike of your dating partner and urge you to end it, they’re may be seeing what you’re unable to see: a doomed relationship.

When the people who love you are concerned, there’s usually a reason, especially if deep inside you’re having the same doubts. It may be a clear sign that you’re dating Mr. Big.

12. He Always Knows the Right Thing to Say

He has a way of turning any situation in his favor. So even when you’re pissed off at him, he’ll have you eating out of his hand in no time.

His charm and wit work on most people; including you. And he knows it. He can “turn it on” to evade responsibility for his behavior and never compromise on anything.

Just like Mr. Big. Whenever Carrie brought up an issue, he’d turn it into a joke or sweet-talk her into forgetting all about it.

13. He Is a Riddle

If you’re dating a version of Mr. Big, you probably spend much of your time wrecking your brain, trying to “solve” this puzzle of a man. You’re confused about his motives, feelings, and whether he sees a future with you.

He is never fully transparent. So you are forced to constantly “play detective” and try to decode his behavior to get a glimpse of what’s going on in his head.

If you’re not careful, it can turn into an obsession. That was the case with Carrie. She got so confused and obsessed with Mr. Big, she talked to her girlfriends about him ad nauseum. At some point, Miranda, Sam, and Charlotte had to “cut her off” and impose a moratorium on the “Big talk.”

You can’t blame Carrie. Everything about Mr. Big spelled “mystery” — from his real name (which we only find out in the last episode) to his famous one-liners (“abso-fucking-lutely”).

But can mystery fill an empty void when a man breaks your heart?

Is Mr. Big a Bad Person?

You may be thinking: OK, so my guy is a little like Mr. Big. But I like Mr. Big and I’m happy Carrie ended up with him. Aren’t you being too hard on him? And weren’t their relationship problems also Carrie’s fault?

You make a great point.

When it comes to real-life relationships, things aren’t black and white. Both people play out their subconscious schemas that define the nature of their bond.

The same goes for onscreen romances. As bad as Big was, it wasn’t all his fault. Clearly, Carrie had codependency and abandonment issues rooted in childhood trauma.

Not to mention, her romanticized old Hollywood notions of “true love” made her neurotic, needy, and unstable — qualities that pushed Big away on more than one occasion.

Big was always transparently and self-indulgently authentic: a wealthy, emotionally stunted bachelor who didn’t want anything serious. It was Carrie who deluded herself into thinking that Big was something he wasn’t.

As Chris Noth, the actor who plays Big, argues, “He is who he is.”

Still, Mr. Big’s character has a palpable toxic quality.

It shows in the way he wants to control the relationship, his emotional unavailability, and his selfishness.

Maybe he’s not a bad person (meaning: he’s not hurting Carrie intentionally). But he’s bad for her. And for most women in his life, for that matter.

Their relationship should have ended when Carrie said goodbye to Big before leaving New York with Alexander Petrovsky. Instead, in the show’s final episode Big tells Carrie the words she’s been waiting to hear for 10 years:

Carrie, you’re the one.

That ending had bothered me for over a decade. I think it sends a dangerous and irresponsible message, and here’s why.

Why the Ending of Sex and the City Was Wrong

We all love a good happy ending.

It gives us hope that things always work out in the end.

It also provides a refuge, however illusory, from the harsh realities of life.

But Sex and the City‘s happy ending was plain wrong and even dangerous because it promoted the idea that a toxic relationship, no matter how painful and dysfunctional, can still end happily, if you hang in there long enough.

It suggested that an emotionally unavailable man can change, and that he can be a viable life partner, as long as a woman is just as “independent” and “unconventional” as him.

Not to mention, it normalized emotional abuse and endorsed an age-old myth that love is pain. It said:

• If you’re not in agony, it’s not real love
• If there’s no drama, there’s no passion
• Can’t shake him off after 10 years? He’s the one!

It’s not the first time our culture sugarcoated emotional abuse. We are bombarded by messages that tell us that when a guy treats you badly, it means he likes you. Or that given enough time, a commitment-phobe will magically turn into a “relationship guy.” Or that we have to “earn” a man’s love.

So it’s not surprising that millions of women related to Carrie not because of her wits or her fearless fashion sense, but because she had been enthralled by an addiction to a cold, powerful, emotionally unavailable man.

If you (like me) are one of these women and you’re dating a version of Mr. Big, you need a reality check. Here is a recap of all the reasons why you should break up with him.

Why You Should Dump Your Mr. Big

So you’ve confirmed your worst suspicions: you’re dating Mr. Big. He may not be a bad person per see, but he is bad for you. This means that despite what was portrayed on the screen, that romance isn’t going to have a happy ending.

To reiterate, here are all the reasons why you should dump your Mr. Big.

• He is emotionally unavailable
• He leads you on
• You feel addicted to him
• He doesn’t show you off
• He has the upper hand in the relationship
• There’s no room in his life for you
• He justifies his past cheating
• He lets you down when you count on him
• You can’t be yourself around him
• He’s keeping his options open
• He only loves you when he can’t have you
• His interest in you is superficial
• Your friends don’t like him
• He knows what to say to get on your good side
• He keeps you guessing about his true feelings and motives

At the end of the day, it’s your decision.

I won’t lie — Mr. Big can be a fun guy. His unpredictability makes him exciting, and the fact that you can’t pin him down awakes a huntress in you. Not to mention, the sex is amazing.

But behind the glitz and glamour of bold gestures and mind-blowing sexcapades is an emotionally stunted guy who will never be able to give you what you want. The longer you stick around, the more obvious it will become.

I’ve dated a “Mr. Big” (you can read about my experience here). The most striking thing about that relationship was how addicted and disempowered I felt. Until one day I reached my pain threshold and I “untied” myself.

Did it hurt?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

But that relationship had taught me more than all my other relationships combined.

So maybe that’s the silver lining of a relationship with a Mr. Big type.

It forces you to connect to your authentic self and define what you want (and especially what you don’t want) in a relationship.

It teaches you what your boundaries are.

And it helps you grow into the woman you were always meant to become.

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