Narcissistic women are not always obvious. They can appear fragile, charming, insecure, and even selfless. So you have to look past their disguise. Here are 7 little-known traits of a covert female narcissist.
But before we delve into that, let’s first answer these questions.
- What is narcissism?
- The two main types of narcissism: what are they?
- What is the difference between a male and a female narcissist?
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissism (or narcissistic personality disorder — NPD) is a type of personality characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
It’s a Cluster B disorder, which refers to disorders that are dramatic, emotionally manipulative, self-centered, and chaotic.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), to be diagnosed with NPD a person must exhibit five or more of the following symptoms:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- A belief that one is special and can only be understood by other exceptional people
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
- Exploitation of others
- A lack of empathy
- Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
- Arrogance.
Most people who exhibit narcissistic traits would not meet a clinical definition of a narcissistic personality disorder.
Still, a woman with narcissistic tendencies can be just as devious as someone with an NPD diagnosis.
Overt Vs. Covert Narcissism
There are two basic subtypes of narcissism: grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism.
The grandiose (overt) subtype is your “typical” narcissist who is bold, aggressive, and arrogant.
The vulnerable (covert) subtype is a less studied type of narcissism that presents with hypersensitivity, defensiveness, and even shyness.
It’s more difficult to identify because it hides behind self-deprecation and doesn’t fit the mainstream idea of what narcissism is.
While some women are grandiose narcissists, it is rare. The majority of female narcissists are the vulnerable (covert) type.
Male Vs. Female Narcissist
How are male narcissists different from females?
For starters, there are way more narcissistic men than women.
For that reason, when people talk about narcissism, they usually reference men. However, female narcissists do exist.
They may display the same behaviors and attitudes as their male counterparts, or they may present a more subtle, discreet, covert persona.
This is because every child goes through the socialization process that instills gender roles in them.
For example, girls are socialized to suppress their aggressive or dominating impulses, while boys are taught to hide their vulnerability and project hypermasculinity.
In our society, to be “feminine” is to be sweet and agreeable, and to be “masculine” is to be strong and brave.
For that reason, women typically don’t exhibit transparent, aggressive narcissism. They cloak it in vulnerability, selflessness, or victimhood.
But at the heart of it, there’s still a fervent need to project a certain image, gather sympathy and admiration, and use lies and manipulation to get what they want.
Research (see the References section) confirms that there are differences between narcissistic men and women, such as:
- Narcissistic men tend to be the grandiose type, whereas women are more likely to exhibit covert or vulnerable narcissism
- Female narcissists are more concerned with physical attractiveness than males, although both genders display vanity and exhibitionism
- Narcissistic men are more likely than women to have a sense of entitlement, exploit others for self-interest, and desire power
- Narcissistic women are more likely to use covert, relational aggression that causes psychological or social harm rather than direct aggression
What is a Covert Female Narcissist?
To put it simply, a covert female narcissist is a self-centered woman who uses indirect aggression to manipulate others for her own benefit and/or cause psychological harm.
She sees herself as a superior being and expects special treatment. But at the same time, she has an extremely fragile ego that needs constant bolstering.
What other signs are there to help you spot a female narcissist?
7 Covert Female Narcissist Traits
She is Toxic to Be Around
As a rule, narcissists are not a happy bunch.
Their wounded ego (“narcissistic injury”) constantly needs bolstering, so they are rarely satisfied.
And their negative attitudes about other people and life, in general, make them insufferable to be around. You know what they say: misery loves company.
When you’re dealing with a covert female narcissist, she may present a fake happy-go-lucky front and even refer to herself as a “positive” person who other people bring down with their “negativity.”
In reality, she’s the one who sucks others into the whirlpool of her toxicity.
If you’re sensitive to other people’s energies, you will soon feel drained, exhausted, and irritated. Your good mood will turn into a bad mood, all because you’re around her.
You may not even be able to put your finger on it — something will just feel “off” and you’ll have a strong urge to leave or end the conversation with her.
She Expects You to Be a Mind-Reader
A covert narcissistic female expects you to know or “guess” what she needs without her actually telling or asking you.
She feels that asking for something is beneath her. So how do you get something without asking for it? You manipulate people into thinking that it’s their job or responsibility to be attuned to her needs at all times and to meet them without fail.
Just like she can’t communicate her needs, she can’t communicate her emotions. Instead of telling people how she feels, she makes them feel what she feels.
So if she’s upset, she’ll make everyone around her upset and scrambling to make her feel better. This is called “emotional contagion,” and her family members are the first targets.
Although she doesn’t show any empathy, she expects people closest to her to be hypersensitive and empathetic to her slightest variations in mood. If they fail to do so, shame and guilt-tripping will follow.
That is why children of narcissistic parents often develop hyperawareness when it comes to “reading” other people and anticipating their needs.
They were taught that their needs and desires didn’t matter. So as adults, these children find it hard to set boundaries or prioritize themselves in a relationship.
They may also develop narcissistic features themselves due to the contagious nature of narcissism.
She Assumes the Worst of You
She is the kind of person who always has something critical to say about anyone she meets. But she will do so behind their backs, trying not to expose herself as a gossip.
As critical as she is of other people, it is nothing compared to how critical she is about the people who are closest to her.
For example, a narcissistic mother is most critical of her own children. The really pathological ones will even “compete” with their children, especially their daughters.
A covert narcissistic mother will methodically target the child’s self-esteem and sense of self so that they never become confident, independently-minded adults who can challenge her. This is systematic psychological destruction, and it happens far too often.
She Will Never Admit Her Wrongdoing
One of the most telling narcissistic traits is the inability or unwillingness to admit a mistake or some wrongdoing. That’s why a close relationship with a narcissist is always punctuated by frustration and suffering.
A covert female narcissist, like any true narcissist, will also deny that anything is her fault. But instead of going on the offensive, she will play the victim (or the martyr) and attempt to manipulate you into feeling guilty.
Let’s say you’re dating a female narcissist and you find out that she cheated on you. When you confront her, she will respond with indignation, flat-out denying the affair. If you have proof she can’t deny, she’ll jump into the victim role and turn the tables on you. For example, she might say:
What did you expect? You hardly pay any attention to me. It’s like you don’t even care. I’m not important enough for you. All you care about is (insert something you care about). I’m tired of feeling like I’m the last on your list.
Now you’re forced to defend yourself and convince her that you do love and care about her. Her infidelity becomes secondary to what you did to make her cheat on you.
Whatever she says, you’ll never hear her admitting that it was wrong or apologizing.
She is a Pathological Liar
To a narcissist, truth doesn’t mean what it means to other people. It’s not about being genuine or having an accurate concept of reality. Rather, it’s a relative construct meant to reinforce the narcissist’s ego.
A covert female narcissist will operate on a mixture of truths, half-truths, and outright lies fused together to fit her agenda. She will do it so skillfully and convincingly that you’ll be doubting yourself before you start doubting her.
And if you actually catch her in a lie, be prepared for an avalanche of gaslighting meant to completely disorient you and make you question your sanity.
She will even accuse you of being a liar – a tactic called “projection.” All of this is done to evade accountability and maintain control.
The scary thing is, she seems to believe her own lies, even in the face of facts that clearly contradict them. She even pulls other people into her web, and those people have no idea they’ve been duped by a narcissist.
She’s Preoccupied With Projecting a False Image
Which image a covert female narcissist chooses to project depends on her cultural values and desires.
If she is from a culture that values traditional female gender roles, she may want to project an image of a perfect wife and mother. She will “care” for her family but not out of concern for their needs. Rather, her care is the byproduct of her need to be perceived in a positive light by others.
Social media is a perfect tool for that. If you take a deep dive into your Instagram, you’ll probably find a few “mommy accounts” where an attractive scantily clad female is a prime focus, with her children and husband as the props for mommy’s ego.
Another role a covert female narcissist is likely to take on is the philanthropist. She might volunteer or take on a noble cause, performing multiple (and very public!) charitable acts. There is even a term for this: the communal narcissist.
This “do-gooder” gets ego boosts not from bragging about achievements or obsessing about her looks. She gets off on letting people know how giving and caring she is. For example, if on her way to work she gave $5 to a homeless man, she will make sure to tell everyone about it. But she’ll do it subtly, like:
I feel so bad for all the homeless people! Gave $5 to one this morning but I wish I could do more. What is the city doing about this?
The objective here is to carefully craft an image that’s completely the opposite of what she really is. After all, true charity is anonymous.
She is Emotionally Shallow
A covert narcissistic woman lacks emotional depth and warmth.
She is adept at imitating emotions but real emotions are not in her wheelhouse.
Of course, it doesn’t mean she can’t feel anything. If your narcissistic mother or girlfriend cries at a funeral, it doesn’t mean she’s suddenly cured.
There is a certain range of basic emotions narcissists are still capable of. But in private, intimate relationships they are usually cold, distanced, and superficial.
For example, if you’re married to a narcissistic woman, you may feel like you can’t talk to her openly or be yourself. There is something restricting about her. A normal process of “mirroring” each other’s emotions that couples engage in is distorted in narcissistic relationships.
You can mirror her; she can’t mirror you. So you feel that your relationship is one-sided, shallow, and emotionally unfulfilling.
The same can be said if you have a covert narcissistic mother or another female relative. You want to be close to her but you can’t because she isn’t interested in nurturing emotional bonds. She’s only interested in appearances.
As long as you maintain a perfect image of your relationship, she’s happy. But if you dare to tarnish that image, then you will see the true face of the narcissist — vindictive, cruel, and unforgiving.
References
Grijalva, E., Newman, D., Tay, L., Donnellan, M.B., Harms, P. D., Robins, R., & Yan, T. (2015). Gender differences in narcissism: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 141 (2): 261 DOI: 10.1037/a0038231
Hoertel, N., Peyre, H., Lavaud, P., Blanco, C., Guerin-Langlois, C., René, M., Schuster, J. P., Lemogne, C., Delorme, R., & Limosin, F. (2018). Examining sex differences in DSM-IV-TR narcissistic personality disorder symptom expression using Item Response Theory (IRT). Psychiatry Research, 260, 500–507. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2017.12.031
Kalemi, G., Michopoulos, I., Efstathiou, V., Konstantopoulou, F., Tsaklakidou, D., Gournellis, R., Douzenis, A. (2019). Narcissism but Not Criminality Is Associated With Aggression in Women: A Study Among Female Prisoners and Women Without a Criminal Record. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 10. https://www.frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00021
Mitra, P., & Fluyau, D. (2020). Narcissistic Personality Disorder. [Updated 2020 Nov 19]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2020 Jan. Available from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/
Stinson, F.S., Dawson, D.A., Goldstein, R.B., Chou, S.P., Huang, B., & Smith S.M. (2008). Prevalence, correlates, disability, and comorbidity of DSM-IV narcissistic personality disorder: results from the wave 2 national epidemiologic survey on alcohol and related conditions. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 69(7), 1033–1045.
Streep, P. (2018). 6 Ways a Narcissist Can Hide in Plain Sight. Psychology Today.
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My baby’s mom. Has the greatest *** you’ve ever. Real life. She literally. Sleeps with anybody. Even the UN. Worthy type Like people that you wouldn’t even think that should be attractive to. You come to find out. He does the same thing with them that she does with me. It kills me. You got a phone for our daughter. And it was linked to her phone. So I got all the messages on the phone. She sent to everybody. And received. I’ve known her for 10 years now. Excuse me 13 years. And. I kept my mouth shut. She’s been living in my house, never told her about it, but I monitor all her messages. And all she does is running around sleeping with people. Constantly. It’s a nightmare. Plus you started huffing air duster. Is you have Air Duster show mediately? Then she wants me to choke her hope. Nobody likes you. She hits on all my friends. Pretty much right in front of you too. It’s a nightmare.
God these women who abuse people the system for their own selfish needs should be locked up for all the damage they do
Ugh you feel so foolish and used when you realize it was all just like everything else with them, fake… she was the master could flip hysterical tears off and on like that… the things I know now are so upsetting and hard to understand it broke trying to understand. I’m still on recovery and honestly it’s cost me almost everything at this point. These women are insidious and malicious, no matter what your heart tells you they meant to you they did it all with the intent of hurting you this deeply one day and leaving you dramatically to make you their next horror story. You knew it from the start, it was only a matter of time, she lied every single day
I have been researching for months trying to figure out what is wrong with my sister. She was born with a horrible temperment and disposition that destroyed our whole family. At the age of 12 she became an alcoholic which turned her into an even bigger monster. She is full of hate and rage for everyone. She abuses anyone who is around her. She is now in her 50’s and worse than she has ever been. She is now abusing the only person she claims to love, our mother. They live together and my mom’s life is a living hell, and has been for 55 years but my mother protects her, defends her and sides with her against anyone who can’t handle the abuse. My sister fits in the covert narcissist catagory but also many other disorders. I question where the evilness comes from? She gets such a tickle when she recalls abusing someone so badly that that person admitted themselves into a mental hospital. Is that a narcissistic trait? Any ideas from anyone would be very welcomed. I’m at a loss about what to do to help my mother who is in her 80’s. My sister’s evilness has gotten to a point where I think she needs hospitalized. I don’t know what to do!
She has all the traits of a covert/vulnerable narcissist but with her other mental health issues it’s hard to tell what she really is. It seems to all fit she chose me, used me to grow, used all the things she promised against me, attacked me at my weakest and called me crazy for reacting to her extreme abuse.. she tortured me and then even after I gave up ever hearing from her again triednto get an order of protection.. why do they live like that.. how could they? I truly loved her, was open with her up front from the start and she accused me of lying, of presenting a false self.. she made it out like I was her all along all the mental health issues she had were mine, all her insecurity.. I’ve never felt so betrayed so maliciously attacked on such deep personal ways. It’s been almost a year… my family has been sick we almost lost my mother as my ex left she never recovered. I started having panic attacks.. stuttering ridiculously.. I have ptsd, honestly It’s hard to even explain how bad she twisted my mind.. how desperate and sick I got… only a few people know I had to be hospitalized.. I’ll never understand how someone could live so fake.. fornyears life to someone and make them feel so loved. Tell them eveything they ever wanted to hear only to take it all back and act like you never matrered.. nothing has ever hurt so deeply for so long..
I believe you. I understand you. It really does feel like PTSD, I’ve felt it myself and wondered: am I experiencing PTSD? It’s all true. We may never fully understand why these people are the way they are. But we know that they abuse and victimize people who are close to them, and they externalize all their issues, so to them, it looks like someone else is always at fault. It’s called projection. All you can do, Katie, is try to make some sense of this experience, learn your lessons, and take comfort in knowing that you would never treat someone the way you were treated in that relationship.
Sincerely,
Lana
Thank you so much I needed to hear that
Hey.. I’m trying so hard to move on I know this probably isn’t the healthiest way.. thanks I get you actually understand 👍
It feels like you’re describing my life… it’s hard to imagine but even before you really knew them they scoped you out…. in criminal ways.. they have no boundaries.. remember that and really secure yourself please.. the things you find out after.. how deep it really goes is something you might not be prepared for… for a person, an intelligent person to put so much effort, so much pain to the of starving herself into protecting whatever it is eating her.. lying to therapists for years never progressing past the point of making eveyone smile and think you’re ok.OK.. keeping eveyone and eveything at a safe distance you control.. through and though becuse you need that to live I get it I really do….. I learned to live without that after my abuse becuse I can do that too I accidentally do that and I try so hard to be better… you can’t understand what you took from me and never will.. and I feel sorry for you
I knew something was off or right on! I am married to a covert female narcissist I believe, and everything in this article fits her like a perfect fitting glove, the problem or the thing is , is that I love her with all my soul and heart and we have a child together, so here I am!!
Feminism is very much out of control nowadays, and with these very pathetic women around which is why many of us single guys can’t meet a decent normal woman anymore unfortunately.
Most women are narcissistic feminists nowadays more than ever.
Unfortunately, most, if not all, of women are functional narcissists. While women have always been more predisposed towards vanity, years of commercialized, female-centric media have taken women to astounding levels of hyper-entitlement. It’s just gross
Actually, according to research, narcissism is more common among men. It’s also more socially acceptable in men, in my opinion.
Now, I couldn’t help noticing that you posted your comment 36 times…It must be something you feel strongly about. Still…36?? That’s just obnoxious.
nah he’s correct and your attack on him due to website protocol error just proves his point.
Those women are real toxic to begin with.
You are completely bias in your supposed ‘research’. There is not a single male archetype on the planet that gains any form of social recognition unless he has also bent himself to the narrative of feminism and left leaning ideologies. Mainstream media refuses to promote or hire any male who does not participate in leftist male/self hating along with many other toxic ideologies. Your perspective that narcissism is more commonly accepted amoungst men belongs to the 1950s, not in the world we live today.
Lana,
While it’s true that the research seems to back the idea that men are more predisposed to NPD than women (7.7% vs 4.8% respectively), there is very likely an under-diagnosis of female narcissism at play in part because it may present differently in women and instead be classified as Histrionic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder both of which women are over-represented in.
NPD often focuses on grandiosity as a defining characteristic. The assumption that grandiosity is more common in men might just be false. Hoertel et al. actually found that grandiosity was slightly higher in women in their study than men and that envy and lack of empathy were the primary differences between the sexes.
There may however be evolutionary biological and psychological reason why grandiosity may seem to be more prevalent in men in an overt sense. Like virtually all other mammals, the (human) female is the choosy sex, ruling over mating choice. As such, males compete for opportunities to mate with females. While some will balk at this, our biological hard-wiring hasn’t been overwritten by a few millenia of civilization, and Female Mate Choice still applies and selects for males that display certain characteristics, which likely drives male behaviours that are seen as more grandiose, envious, and hyper-masculine.
Again it’s very likely that female narcissism is simply under-diagnosed. Another contributing factor may be a tendency in society to see women as incapable of certain behaviours. Prior to the 1980s in was believed that female serial killers didn’t exist, that women simply weren’t capable. When women kill, society is quite often quick to assume there must of been some extenuating circumstance, because we still have this biased view that that’s really only something men do. These long standing stereotypes about benign females, their innocence and more delicate nature, also likely clouds things with regard to NPD diagnoses in females.
You pretty much never hear of a groomzilla, but stories of bridezillas abound.
Most women are real narcissists these days unfortunately, and very dangerous as well.