Manipulators come in all shapes and sizes. However, there is something particularly painful and twisted about a manipulative mother.
A mother-child bond is sacred.
For many of us, motherly love is the only truly unconditional, pure love we will ever experience.
So when you have a mother who is manipulative, withholding, and cruel, it flips your world upside down.
Someone who’s supposed to be a source of love, support, and care turns out to be the source of pain and psychological torment.
Most likely, it’d taken you a long time to figure out that you were abused by your mother.
And even then, you continue questioning your own judgment and sanity. That’s how damaging childhood abuse is.
I’m here to tell you: you’re not crazy. You’re not being a baby. And you’re not making this up.
Here are 20 definitive signs you have a manipulative (a.k.a. narcissistic) mother.
1. She guilt-trips you when you try to establish boundaries.
Boundaries are a normal, healthy part of human relationships. They mean that you know who you are, and how you’d like to be treated.
But to an abusive mother, a boundary is a slap in the face. She immediately jumps into her victim role and tries to make you feel guilty for being an adult with your own needs and choices.
2. She is verbally abusive.
Calling you names, yelling in public, and berating you for doing something “wrong” is a regular part of your relationship with her.
She also gets off on insults disguised as “jokes.”
Related: How to Heal From Verbal and Emotional Abuse
3. Whenever you stand up to her, she calls you “rude” or shuts down.
This is a manipulative tactic to keep you in line.
She’ll also go around playing the victim, telling people: “I don’t know what I did to deserve this, I’ve done so much for her.”
4. She denies that anything is ever her fault, and she never apologizes.
This is a classic narcissistic trait. A manipulative mother likes to use other people’s weak spots to her advantage, but she is in denial about her own massive flaws…
That makes her one of the biggest hypocrites you’ll ever meet.
5. She likes when you are dependent on her.
Loving parents want their kids to grow into healthy, capable, independent adults. One of the happiest moments in any parent’s life is when their child reaches achievement and autonomy.
But a manipulative mother doesn’t want you to be successful or independent, not really. She wants to maintain her control over you, so she’ll manufacture ways to keep you dependent on her.
She’ll even sabotage you, all to keep you under her thumb.
6. She always puts her needs first.
A manipulative mother likes playing the role of a selfless caretaker of her family, a loving wife, and a heroic humanitarian…But in reality, it’s all about her.
She is notorious for disregarding your needs. Ironically, this is probably what she experienced in childhood, too. A child whose emotional needs are not met will learn manipulative or deceitful ways to cope.
7. She plays favorites with her children (or grandchildren).
One of her best manipulative tricks is to pin you and your siblings against each other, so you can be vying for her love and approval.
To achieve this, she will pick the “golden child” and the “scapegoat.”
She’ll put the golden child on the pedestal, while the scapegoat will only receive criticism and rejection.
Sometimes the roles will switch. It doesn’t really matter to a manipulative mother which is which. This is just a part of her pattern to idealize and then devalue people.
8. She forces you to do things for her.
Your manipulative mother always has a ton of requests and favors to ask of you. These requests range from small and reasonable to completely ridiculous. It’s as if she’s testing how far she can push you.
Once you tell her “no,” she unleashes the hell hounds of blame, guilt, and shame on you to whip you into submission.
9. You can never win with her.
It would seem that if you do everything she asks, she’ll be happy. But that’s not the case. It’s a classic “damn if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario.
Even if you’re willing to yield to her to avoid confrontation, a manipulative mother will always find that you did something wrong. Oh, and you’ll never hear a “thank you.”
10. She is the master of passive-aggressive warfare.
Veiled insults are her favorite weapons of abuse: vague enough to evade responsibility, but pointed enough for you to get the message.
If she’s really successful, she’ll trigger a strong emotional reaction from you. That’s what she wanted all along: it’s easy to manipulate you when you’re emotional.
11. She has “flying monkeys”
Abusive mothers are good at manipulating people’s perceptions of them.
So not everyone in your family will see your mother for who she really is. Some will be her good little soldiers, or “flying monkeys.”
“Flying monkeys” is the term that describes people who willingly (or unwillingly) do what the manipulator wants them to do, like the winged monkeys of the Wicked Witch of the West.
For example, if you’ve had an argument with your mother, some well-meaning family members might approach you to talk about how you’ve hurt her, and that you need to fix this, e.g., apologize, make amends, do what she wanted you to do, etc.
Chances are, your mother put them up to this.
12. She is a pathological liar.
A manipulative mother lies about big things, and little things she doesn’t have to lie about. She just lies habitually, and she’s good at it.
Until you catch on. And then you start seeing right through all the lies.
Because the veil has lifted, and, to continue with the Wizard of Oz theme, you can see that the great magician is just an old woman with a pathological need to control.
Related: 21 Gut-Wrenching Lies You Learned From Your Narcissistic Parent
13. She punishes you when you disobey her
Whenever you step out of line, a manipulative mother will threaten to stop talking to you or cut you out of her life (or her will).
In rare cases, she will deliver on her threat, but most likely, these are just intimidation tactics. She doesn’t really want to cut you out; she wants to continue manipulating you.
So let her do it. Let her stop talking to you — it’s the best thing she can do for you.
14. Crazy-making and gaslighting when confronted
“Gaslighting” is a psychological manipulation designed to make you doubt your perception of reality.
In our age of fake news, gaslighting is a big part of our cultural and political reality.
A manipulative mother will specifically gaslight you about what you’ve experienced in childhood.
So you’ll say: this happened, and your mother will say: no, it didn’t. You misheard me, or you remember it wrong, or it’s not what I meant, or you just like making things up.
Related: Gaslighting in the Family: 7 Ways to Fight Back
“Crazy-making” is a similar manipulative technique intended to cause self-doubt and make you feel “crazy.”
15. She expects you to anticipate her needs.
And if you don’t, she acts disappointed.
This is intentional manipulation. She knows that she can elicit your guilt this way, and guilt is a gateway to having power over you.
Nothing is as toxic and as effective as guilt.
16. She ruins holidays and special events.
Manipulative mothers will use holidays and family reunions to create drama. Then they will stand back and watch the chaos they unleashed.
The simple reason is, manipulative people aren’t happy, and they hate when others are happy. So they will do whatever it takes to ruin everyone’s good time.
Related: 10 Tips on How to Survive the Holidays With Your Toxic Family
17. She pushes you to live the life she wanted for herself.
It’s normal for any parent to wish their children have a better life than they had. But most of all, parents just want their children to be happy.
A manipulative mother couldn’t care less about your happiness. She just wants to live vicariously through you, to satisfy her own desires she wasn’t able to fulfill herself.
Remember the movie “Dead Poets Society”? Neil wanted to be an actor but his father insisted that he goes to med school because he never had such an opportunity growing up. Spoiler alert: Neil kills himself.
18. She’s never happy for you
No matter what you do, she always seems unhappy with your choices.
She never gives you credit for achievement or celebrates your successes.
She doesn’t like the person you married. She’s not OK with the career you chose.
And she’s not thrilled about how you raise your children either.
But here’s the thing: she’ll never be happy for you because deep down she’s jealous of you. So quit trying to please her. It’s a losing game.
19. She uses her love and support as a tool to gain your obedience.
There’s usually a fair amount of animosity in her treatment of you. But there’ll be times when she’ll be loving and supportive towards you.
She might bring you soup when you’re sick, or throw you a surprise birthday party. How can this be bad?
Don’t be fooled! Anything a manipulative mother does for you is to make you feel obligated to her. Then, when she needs something, she can fully expect you to do whatever she wants.
20. She won’t own up to anything.
If you confront her, she might call you dramatic, too sensitive, or unable to take a joke.
She will also seek support from other people, trying to make a case for your “inadequacies.”
If she succeeds, it can be difficult for you to prove that you’re not the problem; she is.
What Can You Do About a Manipulative Mother?
It’s painful and disorienting to have a close family member — a mother of all people — be emotionally abusive for no apparent reason.
I know you know this but…I want to say it anyway: it’s not your fault!!! There’s nothing about who you are or what you did that could have caused it, it’s her own sick mind.
There’s nothing you can do to change her, or make her think or act differently. You have no control over that.
However, you do have control over your own actions, like:
- learning to control your reactivity when you’re around your mother;
- practicing mindfulness and awareness of your own manipulative tendencies;
- seeking a professional counselor to help you heal and move on;
- limiting or going no contact with your manipulative mother;
- if no contact is not an option, maintaining healthy boundaries;
- learning to stand up for yourself, speak up and stand your ground, even in the face of blatant manipulation from your parent.
If you want to learn more, here’s a more detailed post about dealing with a manipulative or narcissistic mother: Coping With a Narcissistic Mother: 9 Tips to Heal the Damage
Do you have a manipulative mother? Share your story below!
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My mom has talked badly about me to my husband when I wasn’t around. She had called me a slut and told him I slept around a lot when I was younger. This hurt me badly like a knife through the heart. She would be manipulative and lie every time I was around. I catch her in her lies and she would get irate and blame me or say I was making things up to make her look bad. She gets mad or berates me if I don’t call her everyday because she lives alone and complains her adult kids don’t care about her. She was physically abusive towards us when we were kids. She would never tell the truth or take the truth and spread it thin to make herself the victim and everyone is against her. I explained to her she needs help and to seek medication for her depression and anxiety. She would get very upset and blame me for calling her stupid or other things. I gave up on that subject. Then the other day I was taking some stuff to her (I had a house key) and I noticed she changed the locks. I sat her stuff on the porch because she never answered the door but was online on Facebook on her computer which is 10 ft from the door. She never looked at my messages or responded to me. She basically cut me off and so I keep my distance now. I have no dad because he passed away from cancer. So I have no one. I fed so alone and thinking life is not worth this type of heartache. Idk what to do anymore. I’m not happy. Counseling causes me severe anxiety and panic attacks. I don’t like to cry in front of people. I feel like a weak person and they’re judging me. Looking at me thinking look at this cry baby, she’s got mental issues. But when I was a child, I was a victim of SA and my mom now acts like it never happened and pretends like she don’t remember it. I have PTSD from it and severe anxiety and depression. I never felt like I had support from my parents dealing with this situation. None of my friends even know my past, a majority of people don’t know my past. I keep my past hidden because it’s embarrassing to me. To say, oh yeah I was a victim of SA by family members and a neighbor. I have dealt with this trauma on my own since I was 5-6yrs old.
Hi C. Goforth,
I am so sorry for what you had to go through as a child. It is unimaginable how someone can go through so much trauma and survive. You are so strong and courageous and you probably don’t even know it.
About counseling – sometimes it takes a few tries before you can find someone you can truly connect and feel safe with. Don’t get discouraged if you didn’t click with someone. Also, try to find a therapist who specializes in trauma and/or SA.
About your mom – considering that there’s so much history of abuse and denial there, it’s probably a good thing that you’re not in contact now. As much as it hurts, try to focus on yourself right now and your own healing.
And if you have good friends, talk to them about your past. Holding all this pain inside is torture. Sharing, as scary as it may be, will make you feel less alone.
Sincerely,
Lana
My ex and her family stole my child.
They are inhuman and will get theirs accordingly.
It really is as simple as that.
There is nothing that can be said to excuse what they did.
They chose to live by the sword, in denial of society, humanity and moral law.
They chose their future.
what do you mean by stole?
I recently broke up with my boyfriend, going no contact, after finally admitting to myself that it wasn’t a case of “not knowing” how to show/treat me with love and compassion but a case of “refusing” to communicate and acknowledge his part in conflicts. I dated him for 2 years and only in the last 6 months did I come to the realization of how toxic and manipulative his mother is. In February of this year I found out that my best friend/roommate was involved with drugs pretty heavy so I was desperate to find another place. My boyfriend and his mother offered to let me stay in the cottage behind their house. My boyfriend’s mother lives with him, her health is not very good, she’s showing signs of early onset of dementia and is a fall risk and requires daily medication that she forgets to take. I love that he is able and willing to take on that huge responsibility for her. I know that it is physically and emotionally exhausting. I also adore and respect her…at least I did until I was around her daily and saw through her facade. She had made the decision to re-embrace her religious roots, getting back into the church and living by the commandments and bible. This was the reason given to me why I couldn’t move in with my boyfriend outright… even though I never asked to or why I couldn’t. But I respected her and her belief system and would never want to show any disrespect for either. Well I guess you could say fortunately I grew up in the foster care system and I’ve always been the hyper alert type because of the systematic physical, emotional, mental, and sexual abuse, and it didn’t take me long to see the true dynamic of the relationship between my ex and his mother. It was quite unhealthy and co-dependant. They fed off of each other in their arguing and in their good times. I noticed that literally every single time my ex and I were talking on the phone, he would have me on speaker and it was always a three way discussion with myself,him and his mother… EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! His mother didn’t take long before she started to ask me about things that my boyfriend and I had talked about when we were alone or not even at his house… things she should have never known much less asked me about. Nothing was off limits for her… she tried to discuss my work … like if a coworker and I were having issues or if there were changes going on at work… things I never talked about with her so he had to be telling her everything him and I talked about privately. She talked about her two other sons and their wife/girlfriend relationships and giving me her unsolicited opinions of the current woman in their lives and all the ex’s. She even tried to talk about my sexual relationship with her son… intimate details that I wouldn’t discuss with anyone but him much less his mother!! I was never allowed to spend the night with my boyfriend and he NEVER spent the night in the cottage with me. I lived in the cottage for about 6 months and I asked him several times to stay the night, but he always said he couldn’t because he had to get back in case his mom woke up and needed him. I was sad but understood that until back in June we went on vacation for 4 days and she was able to stay by herself for that and then I realized that about once a month he would go visit a childhood friend and they would drink so it made sense for him to spend the night so he wouldn’t risk a DUI. So you can be gone for four nights and then again one or two nights a month and she’s just fine…no staying with her, but he can’t stay one single night with me and I literally live 15 feet from his own back door!? She would constantly come into the cottage when I wasn’t home without asking or even telling me after. On several occasions while getting ready for work,she just walked in on me without even knocking first, just me standing there completely nude and not even apologizing. several times I made dinner for him and his mother because she didn’t want to cook, but then after preparing what she said she wanted, she wouldn’t even eat it. And I’m not even going to elaborate on when his son who has high functioning autism moved in with them, it was almost diabolical the way she continues to try to get him out of the way…heartbreaking to watch how both of them talk to him and about his mother. I finally came to the conclusion that between all the mind games and manipulative behavior of both, and neither of them willing to take accountability for their words or actions when they argue with ANYONE. He is his mothers son and I’ll never be good enough for her son and he’ll never see fault or his own wrong doing. My heart is so broken and it’s the single most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do is walk away from someone that I’m still madly deeply in love with and hold my no contact boundary.
My mom favors my half brother and his family. she treats my poor father like her slave and me and my brother like we are nobody. my brother recently was killed in a motorcylcle accident and my father is genuinely hurting. but i get the feeling mom just likes the attention she is getting from it. if i dont acknowledge her when shes fake crying. then she sends dad to tell me that shes having a hard time that i need to hug her. and when i still dont acknowledge it she does things to get me pissed off. one time i tried defending my dad when he fell asleep in the chair and mom started stomping her foot really hard and it woke him up. i asked mom why you would do that to someone and how shitty it was. she ammediatley jumped up started crying and saying that i love my dad more than her and went to her room and slammed the door. i do care about dad more because he doesnt try to be someone hes not. he very loving and understanding and i dont know how he puts up with moms bullshit. one time i overheard her telling my half brothers daughter that im schizophrenic. i called her out on the spot and again she immediately started crying and saying that i hurt her all the time and by the next day sent dad to tell me that i hurt her and i should say im sorry. i thought to myself sorry for what? but i ended up hugging her and saying sorry. looking back it makes me sick. she wouldnt even hell my brother just before he died with a ride to town because she didnt even know how to get to his house she said. shows how much she ever came to see us. but shes always at her failed marrige kids house( our half brother). it sadens me because myvdad raised him too. and does everything my mom tells him to. but he wont stick up for his own two biological sons because he doesnt want to set that narcissistic bitch i call mom off.
I went to California from the Midwest to escape my mother at 19. .She put my partially-paralyzed father (from a stroke) who used a wheelchair into the car and drove 2,000 miles to where I was, to chase me down. Once there, she talked me and the young man I was living with into getting married. We were both very immature (he wasn’t yet 21 and according to laws of the time had to have his parents’ permission. My mother called HIS mother to get permission.)
When we had a child, she encouraged us to go our and party to “have fun! You’re young! Enjoy yourselves!” When we separated, our daughter was staying with my mother often. I met someone else and went to his hometown for two weeks; we were going to be married. and then my daughter would live with us. “We’ll be fine,” my mother said, as my 4-year-old daughter wept hysterically. (I realized much later that she knew she would never see me again.)
While I was gone (being dumped by him, it turned out), my mother abducted the child and took her back to the small town where I was raised, where she was a prominent citizen there, and she spread stories about me being an irresponsible parent. I was emotionally devastated with low-esteem — unemployed, living in a cheap apartment, with no way to even get back across country to the town, let alone fight her in court.
This was decades ago; I had no idea mothers always got their children; I assumed my mother’s prominence would mean she would win custody even if I was emotionally and financially capable of getting back there, hiring an attorney, and facing the family and friends she had turned against me. She told me my daughter didn’t want to live with me and boasted of how she now had a house and all her cousins around. Heart-broken and not in my right mind, I let her stay.
I entered into an abusive marriage shortly after and began a downward spiral, unable to forgave myself. Though I met someone after that marriage broke up, then went back to school, and changed my life, it remained a trauma I never got over. When I tried to reconnect with my daughter later in life, it was impossible. My mother had turned HER against me, as well.
I never had another child. As I once told a therapist, “I never felt like like I deserved another one.”
Dear American,
would you do me a favor? Imagine that your daughter (who you clearly love and miss terribly) made a mistake when she was young; she hurt someone. It’s a mistake she regrets and wishes she could undo. she spent her life paying for her mistake, and yet, the person she hurt refuses to forgive her. In fact, they treat your daughter like she was the worst person in the world, saying insulting and demeaning things to her. Would you say that’s a fair punishment? Would you say she deserves it?
Probably not, right? You might say that that person is being cruel and abusive.
Yet you think it’s ok to treat yourself that way…It’s ok to hold yourself responsible for something you did when you were young, when you had no emotional, mental, or financial resources to stand up to your mother, to get your daughter back. I know self-forgiveness is the most difficult type of forgiveness and it may be something you’ll have to work on for the rest of your life. But there is a statute of limitations on even the worst crimes. So it is time to let that guilt go. Whether or not your daughter comes back into your life, you deserve love and happiness. You deserve forgiveness. You deserve to heal.
Sincerely,
Lana
My parents do not worry about the long term effects on their children mental health, imo. They only think about themselves and what they want are more important
Most (not all) of these points fit my mother to a tee. I still get confused though and doubt myself as I was brought up believing that my mother was a great loving and self-sacrificing mother (as she and my step-father would tell me this all the time) and that it was me being ungrateful, uncaring and lazy all the time whenever I tried to set boundaries or didn’t want to do what she was ‘asking’ of me. I knew she had been gaslighting me, I just couldn’t figure out why she would deny events that I KNEW had happened. After reading this article though I have come to realize that she has to believe that she is a great mother and makes it my fault (as the scapegoat of all the children) as she can’t face the alternative. She is so good at twisting things around to make me feel like the guilty party and have me question whether I am actually being ungrateful and uncaring because I wasn’t turning myself inside out/sacrifice myself enough for her/the family. It’s really sad actually as the whole thing has come to a head now I have a baby and refuse to put my baby through the things she expects me to do as it is completely unreasonable and unfair on both me and the baby. And any explanation I give her is not good enough because we aren’t sacrificing ourselves enough and bending over backwards to suit her wishes. And yet my siblings are the golden children and anything that went wrong with them has always been my fault. My fault that my brother didn’t contact her for 2 weeks as I didn’t do what he asked, so she twisted my arm to do what he wanted, then (by coincidence as he didn’t know) he got in touch with her. My fault that my sister got sick as I didn’t come over to see her for 2 weeks when she was little (which turned out was a viral infection) after which my mother and step-father wouldn’t talk to me for 2 months. To this day she denies both events (and others). And it is all confusing and sad as it turns out that even though I knew something wasn’t right all these years, I thought I knew who she was and that I could count on her and that she was actually a good mother and wanted to best for me. And now my little sister is caught up in it as her flying monkey (and most likely also being manipulated). Reflecting back on events as well as text messages and my diaries I have realized that this is actually what she (and my step-father too I guess) have been doing. She always has twisted everything around to say that I am the judgemental one, I am the nasty one etc etc not her. She has also caused me to lose a number of close friends over the years and nearly cost me my marriage, it was like she wanted to cause a fight between us in the guise of her caring about me (implying that my partner didn’t) and demanding that she be apart of our discussions on the matter. So now I don’t know how to move forward as my mother is also a stubborn person so will not back down from an argument, will never self-analyze nor will she every apologize (unless sarcastically to turn it around on me). So in the past to maintain the relationship I have always had to apologize so she could be the ‘bigger person’ and forgive me, the ever ungrateful uncaring child. I am at a cross roads as she has always used the silent treatment on me and it has always been me that initiates further contact. I still want to see her and have a relationship, but whenever I set boundaries that is the cause of all the upset and anger on her end and she lashes out with her passive aggressive, gaslighting, guilt inducing ways, then we are back to square one. It is taking up a lot of my emotional energy and worry about how to move forward as I don’t know how to without causing another fight (which I don’t have the energy or capacity for any more).
Hi, l totally understand where you are coming from as l am going through exactly the same emotions as you, they are so clever at making us feel like the guilty ones my sister is the golden child for now and is totally taken in by her. I feel l have lost her too, fortunately for me l have a brother who totally gets her behaviour it does help that his wife is a physiologist. I have decided to now play her at her own games and am cutting her out of my life. She will be the one lonely and bitter as she will miss out on our family gatherings etc. My children are old enough to make there own mind up if they want to see there Nan but the visits will be few and far between.
My Ma ticks the top boxes. Manipulative, victim player, yells n shouts, never happy with choices esp moving to better job n mates I hang around with.
Although I moved out in summer 2021 my confidence in completing tasks is still low, Ma seems “improved behaviour” but not by a great deal.
I sometimes think to go counselling to help with my confidence and stress I take in life.
it’s funny that this article was written about Mothers. I can find 4 or 5 of them that match my oldest daughter who I finally deleted out of my life after she brain washed my 20 year old and got her out of the house to join her in the sex industry being swingers! Also my 20 year old is dating a he/ she. So I’m the crazy one huh?? Where is the normalcy in families and morals? Perhaps all of us Mother s are abusive then. Unfortunately I just see a whole generation of ungrateful cry babies.
It seems you fit this entire article, good job.
God bless, you need help. It’s unforunate that you don’t see the irony of calling them an ungrateful generation of cry babies when you are crying about failing to manipulate your children. You will only further push away your children with that attitude and I’m celebrating that they had the opportuntiy to cut ties from an abusive situation.
I agree with you a lot. Everywhere you look is a book or an article talking about narcissistic mothers. Then you read it and basically it says don’t ever tell your child to do anything, don’t discipline them, and let them do whatever they want as children and teens. What I have yet to read about is the Narcissistic Daughter who constantly manipulates her parents, siblings, and boyfriends to get what she wants. The daughter who at age 3 goes and stomps down her father’s tomato plants because he told her no. The daughter who has multiple holes punched in her walls from where she has gotten angry over losing a game of uno with her siblings. Telling all of us she hates us. Tells me to keep her Nana away from her after a ballgame. Things like this had been ongoing since she could talk. I made excuses for her told everyone she was just shy and an introvert. Last year she told me I gave her PTSD right before her wedding. I definitely wasn’t perfect, but I definitely didn’t give her PTSD. We had all finally convinced her to go talk to someone. Her therapist told her she had OCD and PTSD. She blames me for all of it. No phone calls and no text. I basically feel like I have had my heart ripped from my chest. She IS making up things that never happened or changing them to suit her needs. I was critical in the hospital in 2017 for 9 days. She came not to visit but to yell at me and tell me I better make sure her Nana and Aunt didn’t come to her College Sports Banquet. This was my ex husband’s family not mine. I told her to have him tell them not to come. She had me in tears and on oxygen before she left the room…she was talking to me so bad. There are Narcissistic Daughters out there who lie about their mom’s don’t be fooled. Start writing about them and their affect on the family.
I am 40 years old and finally starting to understand that maybe I’m not the problem. Your list was like reading about my childhood, except add in physical abuse because “religion” said it was the right thing to do. I battle with the shame of it all and suffer deeply with my self esteem and depression as an adult. I am currently in a state of deep grief as I realize that she will never change and having her in my life allows her to continue hurting me. I put firm boundaries down with her and now I’m being gaslit and ghosted. I have finally had enough. Seeing her play favorites with my children the last 9 years has been cruel and heartbreaking. In my case my sick mother also uses money to get her way.
have made boundaries and sticking to them. gotta keep my mental state healthy.
My mum calls me thick and slow. I’m 51 and she’s a very sprite 79 yo widow. I’m unmarried and I live with her. She’s heartbroken too I’ve not given her grandchildren (it just never happened). Every now and again she shouts at me and calls me all names under the sun. She hates my shyness and social anxiety 😥 too. She keeps saying also, ” You’re just like your dad. What a life I had with him too. It’s like history repeating itself with you”.
Hello Mickey, I’m sorry to read you’re being abused by your mother. I hope today in january 2023 this abuse have come to an end. I’m 46 today and it happens to me too frequently and intensely since my childhood. I want to tell you that a first step to end your mother’s emotional abuse would be to have your own place to live without her. I did it 4 months ago and this started allows me to start healing my emotional wounds. Mickey you’re young today, try hard to get your own place without your mother, check with real state companie for rentals or to purchase and once you get it start dating women everywhere as Jesus want and start living your life, and don’t feel guilty of that, you must feel guilty to get stuck in your present situation. You can even change city and country, do it Mickey, stand up and start do it now ! I know this helps.
Octavio
Hi Rochelle,
I have basically the exact same experiences as you. Do you mind if I ask if this was a specific religion?
I’m 48, I haven’t spoken with my mother for 5 years. And I live so much happier now. Even though I still have buried anger, like the fact that i hope she dies alone and hurt, (it pops out once in a while and I would NEVER wish that on a person or breathing animal, just her) I don’t feel like everything is a guilt trip and lose all self esteem over trying to make someone love me when they clearly have no love for themselves. I have a GREAT relationship with my adult daughter because I learned how much it meant to me to not having one so I treat my daughter like an adult friend and giving my advice when asked for it. Not demanding her live how i think she should. Raising her correctly seemed to let her become a great person on her own.
My Mother runs on greed and a white coat on Sunday. It’s terrible to think it took us ladies to be in our 40’s to feel free (ish).
Good luck and stay strong, mothers like ours shouldn’t be ruining our lives anymore, and never should have.
my mom loves Annoying me talks bug and parasite nonsense and threatens me.
I just came across this article among dozens of others I’ve started reading in a past few weeks and months when I started to realize my mother is a manipulative narcissist. It’s most likely been my whole life, but I started to realize it now more than ever. Ever since my sister had a baby, there is basically zero interest on me nor my sister. She’s is daily contact with my sister but only to ask if her baby slept well or ate well or pooped. My sister is getting furious as there is no interest in her well-being or any interests of hers or anything in her life. And the same applies to me except my mother is able to NOT contact me for weeks and then when confronting her she would say she didn’t want to bother me. Recently me and my husband decided to move to another city, which is like 2h further than the one we live in now, so no big deal with visits but when we told my mother, her first reaction was like what on earth she did to everybody that I’m moving away from her. That I should move to Australia, that would be better. She didn’t ask why we decided that, what’s the reason, why we decided to change the city, she just kept talking about herself how this is affecting her, even though it’s not as we don’t visit each other every month. After this she didn’t reach out to me for 5 weeks, not asking whether we found the flat or how is it going and when my sister confronted her about her own things and mentioned me, that I’m moving in 2 weeks and our own mother doesn’t know and doesn’t care and she called me saying she doesn’t understand where is this coming from that we made a deal that I would reach out first. I was so shocked, like if I didn’t call in a week while expecting her to be interested, couldn’t she message me and ask? And she kept repeating she didn’t want to bug me. On the top of that when she was out of arguments, she said they also had a lot on their plate with her husband, that they had bad covid and couldn’t write or call. And I was like how was I supposed to know that? You don’t me anything and then use this information against me. And the fun part was that she enough strength to write my sister but not moe and when I told her this she lied to me that it’s not true she’s writing my sister that often. So I told her it’s bullshit as I’m in contact with my sister every single day and I know about everything that’s happening so don’t lie to me and she then changed the subject. I honestly can’t deal with this behavior anymore. I naively had this image of my mother who I can go for coffee or shopping or something when I’m visiting but she never asks me and even when I ask her she always say that she then won’t have time for cooking or her hair is greesy or whatever excuse she can find. But she has no issues telling me that she went do coffee with my classmates and how nice time she had with them when she never did this with me or my sister or both. I’m thinking of going to a therapist to talk it out as it’s driving me crazy. All the time thinking what I did wrong that she behaves like this. Never appreciating anything about me, that I have successful carrier, never asking me about it btw. When I got an offer to work on Berlin and they chose a local person in the final round and called her how disappointed I am, she just told me that it is what it is and shouldn’t leave my current work when it’s secure. One more story I want to let out and I’m done then I promise. In the past few months we had some financial issues and I didn’t really tell anyone as he were dealing with it pretty ok, making changes, trying to solve it and we knew my mother and her husband would not help as they were always on money but only to themselves, never to their kids. And then she found out from my aunt who didn’t know the whole story just maybe heard some part of it and my mother didn’t tell me she knows for a week. Then her husband called me that my mother is freaking out whether I’m OK and that I should call her. So I did and the first thing she told me, how was she supposed to feel when she found out about this. How could I not tell her. And I was like, I was in hell for 2 years dealing with financial crap and you would now tell me how YOU should feel about it when you found out from somebody else. I was so furious, it was an hour conversation and she kept talking about herself how it affected her instead of being happy that I handled everything how I did, that I managed to get through it and I’m finally happy and enjoying life and everything.
At this point I kind of realized it will never be better and that anything I say or do will never be good and will somehow have an effect on her for some mysterious reasons I don’t get apparently. I’m seriously considering cutting her out of my life as if I ever hear her saying how she always supported me, I will yell at the whole world. What I do want to try for sake of my mind is to have sort of shallow relationship with her, like sending occasional photo, asking how they are, not expecting anything out of her and maybe I will find my peace and get over the fact I have narcissistic mother and I can’t have a normal relationship with her where I could tell her something that would not be used against me. Thank you so much. I could let it out, it actually helped a lot.
I think out Mothers are twins. Mine is exactly the same way and has been my entire life. I’m now 54, she’s 77; I think I’ve gotten to the point I’m
No longer affected. I feel bad for my boys, as she doesn’t like boys, just girls. Anyway, I understand your story and I’m sorry.
I am honestly unsure whether or not I am dealing with a manipulative mother—I love her dearly, but sometimes whenever I know for sure I am doing absolutely fine, she sometimes asks “are you okay?” As if I am some little baby, or even a “princess in distress” who needs constant looking-after. Another issue I have is that whenever I try to tell her something, and she talks but doesn’t listen to anything I have to say—for one, I do not like to sing, but I do it because it’s the only way I know to get her attention, if all other tactics fail. Sometimes, I can’t even tell whether or not she’s actually manipulative—I have slightly differing beliefs then my parents do—example: they are Baptist, and I am not. The type of church they go to, it seems like all they are is just a bunch of family dynasties (all generations in the same family). I know that my stepdad maybe part of this, and it seems like we can’t even tell him anything anymore—examples: what church I watch online, what I choose to do in my free time, etc. The good news is that my stepdad is supportive of my decisions, just as he’s supportive of my stepsister’s decisions. But, I’ve heard that my stepsister has had a history of lying, yet she used me as a scapegoat in some areas. I am still lost with who I am as an individual, very lost. It seems like I can’t defend my values, but my stepdad defends my stepsister, whether or not she maybe lying. I’ve actually been deeply considering reaching out to my aunt and uncle for help, being that I am autistic and in-need of help, and I am unable to hold down any, even the simplest job. I know that my grandparents are thinking about probably moving into a senior center in the city where they live, and maybe getting too old to do anything like that. It’s really tough figuring this one out, for me.
I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression all of my life and thru it all one person I thought had my back turns out was just manipulating me all along . It’s basically just come to a head last night after years of thinking I was loosing my mind and I’m still ay this moment thinking no it can’t be right my mum wouldn’t do that to me . But here I am on a website laying my soul bare to all you brothers and sister that have been thru and are probably still are . So at the moment I’m numb and shaken but I’m at work and I’m processing this massive life event and if it wasn’t for people like you all on here telling your stories I suspect I would be in denial . I’m keeping this short as I got a life to live outside of my mums constraints and lies and it feels quite exciting to actually feel like me . Yes there’s going to be more tears and I’m going to be up and down but at least now the clouds are clearing . Love to you all my brothers and sisters live and prosper be strong x
Dear Marc,
First, a HUGE virtual hug to you and I truly understand exactly how you feel! I was 48 when I came to that realization and boy, I felt like the ground beneath me fell away. I questioned everything in my past, accusations from my siblings started making sense, she was triangulating. That is when I learned the meaning of “covert narcissism” and she fit the description to a T! That absolute shock of realizing the one person whom you thought you could trust and have your back has manipulated and gaslighted you throughout your life and you never questioned it because it was “Your normal.” It rocks your world, in a very deeply disturbing way.
I too struggled with depression and anxiety, still do actually, and was just diagnosed with PMR. I know it has to be related to the fact Mom manipulated me into being her caregiver when she was diagnosed with Dementia. She had me believe my brothers were not interested in helping her so I fell for it. The rollercoaster ride that is still going on as I type, she has put me through hell and now she in the final stages of the disease and I feel anger and at times rage. Stress is a killer, that is no lie! The damage that woman has inflicted on me is immeasurable and I feel like she has wrung me out like an old, tattered dishrag and now I am physically in pain all the time.
I don’t know how old you dear, but never be the caregiver of the parent who betrayed you, they don’t change, even with dementia, and if they do act nice and seem to be your friend, it’s to get you to feel compassion and feel OBLIGATED to take care of them because they are being so nice to you. I was a sucker and fell for it again.
Please keep talking, it really helps to talk about to others who understand and have been through it. It does feel very isolating when you first “awaken” to the reality of what your Mom really is instead of the image of her we created to excuse all of the bad behavior/abuse and survive it with our sanity intact, even when that seems questionable!
For the years I’ve been upon this mortal coil, and for the times I’ve tried to take my own life. Constantly Questioning why I’m that person stuck upon that hot tin roof, for the amount of times I’ve run away from it all.. just to be guilt tripped back to the unhappy place. And lately I have finally seen who the true wizzard/witch behind the curtain really is, along with reading this page and others lives. For me I’ll never be free unless I truly leave for good and cut all ties, disapeare, escape this horrible place I no longer feel is true home. My mother is the deffinition of all of the above and so much more, her flying monkey’s enable her unknowingly, her side of the family all sing off the same song sheet even when they know one is in the wrong… there is an army of them and they are a force when combined together. The one person who believed me was treated exactlly the same way.. my fathers own mother, God rest her soul, I sometimes envy that.
I’m not going to write a story like most have, I’ll just say… for every thing I’ve ever been good at my mother’s put down, every accomplishment I’ve ever had she makes about her, people can’t do nice things for me it’s only to spite her… every joyful moment I have ever nearly experienced she has somehow ruined and yet I cling on with a false idea this woman may one day say you can do this or well done I’m proud of you… I still get heartbroken at least once a week by her but one thing I will say is my mother gave me one thing and one thing only … a real understanding of what I want to be like as a mother and when I have children I will encourage them, hold them and be there for them every day as I never want them to be a shadow like me …. for all the people reading and commenting just remember just because she is your mother it doesn’t mean she has a god given right to you, it just means you have a little hole where you prey she’ll be what she should be but all that love you imagine and crave for is inside you or you wouldn’t strive for it
It’s really comforting, really astonishing that I feel completely understood by reading your post and i have never met you, yet, I have a mother that is as vicious as ever towards me, everything I say, everything I do, she seems to seriously, actually hate me. It’s been like this since I can remember, and I am so fucking tired of the whole thing- from and I have come to the realization that this woman that gave birth to me wants nothing to do with me except to use me as her punching bag, her scapegoat for
every single thing all day long, she wants every person -whether they are in our family or a stranger on the street- to think that I am crazy, that I am abusing her, that I am the one treating her badly and disrespectful, BUT!!!!!! Here’s the thing – I’m not! & She knows it, which makes all of the sick twisted crap that she does pretty much on a daily basis even more disgusting and frankly heartbreaking. I pray for every single person out there that has to go thru this mental torture that we will all be ok and we will all make it thru the darkness and one day feel truly content and not have to be on constant warrior mode living with never-ending anxiety and severe depression. I also pray for all of the narcissistic mothers as well- because we all know that they are truly unhappy and would not behave this way if they were ok with themselves.
I came across this article while researching a way to resolve what seems like an unresolvable situation. I am not the one with a manipulative mother, but the love of my life is. It is heartbreaking for me to watch it from the sidelines. I have somewhat of an inside view of her manipulative behaviors that even he doesn’t have because she happens to work for me. She talks down about him all the time. He is one of the smartest people I have ever known and I am 43 years old. He is way smarter than she is, he for sure got his brains from his father. He is such an amazing father, a way better parent then she ever was to him. Yet she criticizes his parenting all the time. She never has one nice thing to say about him. She doesn’t want him to advance in life and when he does she gets nasty about it. Anything he does she insists he will fail. He doesn’t fail he is brilliant. Of course we all have set backs when taking risks in business but without risk there is no reward. I of course never tell him the terrible things she says about him because it will only hurt him more. She despises his happiness and thrives in his misery. I used to call her a friend. Until I started to see how badly she treats him and manipulates him its disgusting and breaks my heart. She is not the kind of person that I want to be friends with. They had a fall out a few years ago when he and the mother of his children split up. Without going into details of his personal life his mother betrayed him in a way that no mother ever should. They did not speak for two years. And he went through deep depression. During this time she did unspeakable things. Even going to the extent of calling her cell phone provider and blocking his number from her teenage daughters phone so she could not contact him and he could not contact her. I promise you this man has never done a thing wrong to deserve this. He put his mother on a pedestal as if she were the queen of England. And yet she had turned his entire family with the exception of his grandmother against him with her lies. After two years had past he wanted to mend the relationship, he wanted his family back, he wanted his kids to bond with their grandmother. (side note, the way she talks about them turns my stomach. I love those kids like they are my own\, they are the most amazing smart well mannered children. But also I am a grandmother and my grandkids are the biggest blessings in my life I can’t understand how she isn’t obsessed with hers ) Anyway knowing they would never mend the relationship if he waited for her to apologize (I don’t think she’s ever apologized for anything to anyone in her life) He went and apologized to her!!! for doing nothing!!! He begged her to put the past in the past and start fresh. She still didn’t apologize and she made him feel guilty like he was the one who did something wrong. But they eventually decided to move forward. Now ill fast forward a bit. She never knew about our relationship, it wasn’t her business and knowing her controlling and manipulative behavior it was for the best. He figured in due time he would find a way to tell her when he felt that she would be “ok with it” she started to get her own ideas along the way which brings us to 2022. She now calls him periodically just to “make sure he is not with me” She makes nasty comments to me about how I see her grandkids more than she does. (as if she wants to see then anyway) She told him 6 months ago he better “end it with me” obviously we are still together but we are living a life in secret because he doesn’t want to “betray his mother” He loves me and his kids love me and I love all of them. We make each other better and stronger, we build each other up and encourage each other to reach our goals. And when one of us falls the other is there to catch them. We have an amazing bond and a very happy and otherwise healthy relationship aside from his mother. She just wont let him be happy. She knows that he is scared to lose their relationship. And she uses his love for her against him. I’ve never seen anything like it. It sickens me. Why cant this woman just let her son be happy, and be happy herself that he is happy. Doesn’t every mother want happiness for their children. I know I want all my sons to be happy and whatever makes them happy is up to them. Their career choices, their girlfriends or wives, its not for me to decide. I just want to see them happy. Even if I didn’t like their choices or its not a choice I would have made. It’s not my life they are grown men!
My mother has and still is destroying my life in every way. I got pneumonia a year and a half ago and was hospitalized for a month. Because of the severity of my illness, I was taken by ambulance to a hospital 2 hours drive from the town I live in. During the entire month I was in the hospital my mother never came to visit me (not even one time.) My teenage daughter (1of 2!) asked my mother to let her come visit me and my mother refused even to consider it. When I was released from the hospital, my mother took all day and until 11 that night to show up and give me a ride home despite knowing I was released since 10 a.m. that morning. And she knew the day prior that I was probably getting released that day. After getting home my mother appointed herself, “my caregiver” and forced to become bedridden using my physical weakness from being so ill against me and trapping me on my bed by pilling all kinds of stuff on and around my bed and refusing to move any of it. At one point I couldn’t even move my legs because she piled stuff on top of me and all around me. And since I’m a very independent person, I made sure I took care of myself as much as possible even being bedridden. That’s when she got really hateful as well as hurtful to me. She would get mad at me for doing as much as possible for myself and not relying on her to do everything for me. Not that she would do anything beyond giving me exactly 1 meal per day and helping me change my bedding every once in awhile anyway. I couldn’t and can’t still get water to bathe EVER. And I was living in my own home all this time. She moved herself into my home while I was in the hospital without any permission from me at all. She didn’t even ask. And she took possession of all my paperwork from the hospital with all the phone numbers for physical therapists and in home caregivers that I was supposed to be able to have helping me recover from being ill. And since she called the hospital and changed all my contact information ( providing an incorrect phone number for my phone number by changing the last number in my phone number to the wrong number and giving all her info as my contact info such as her cell phone number) the medical providers pre-arranged to come to my home to help me could only contact her and I couldn’t contact them because she refused to give me my paperwork containing their phone numbers. As a result after a year and a half I am still bedridden and being forced to continue having to endure her ultimate ongoing abuse. And she knowingly caused the guy I have been seeing for over 4 years to now stop seeing me because of her behaviour toward him. All because he wouldn’t take her up on her blatantly coming on to him every time he came to see me. And my best friend for 6 years now was coming to visit me and he was blatantly seduced by her to the point that they became boyfriend and girlfriend and still are. And she continuesly tries to destroy the close friendship he and I still have (something I appreciate and treasure more than anyone can imagine and am thankful that I still have). Especially since I would have died this past winter and spring .without him helping me since she left mid December and didn’t return for ,4 entire months leaving me completely abandoned and helpless. And even now she is only around for a few days here and there. Only problem is that she has gone to great lengths to convince him that I don’t need him to do much to help me and that he’s supposed to make me do everything. Some things aren’t possible to do when your bedridden obviously. That is just a brief small bit of the story believe it or not. I will say that every thing in the above article is 100% her. And then some. She even tried to kill me while I was in the hospital 8 years ago. And prior to that she caused so many problems in court during the custody battle over my daughter’s between their father and I, that the judge awarded custody to their father when she was trying to award me custody and not him. And there is way more than that even that she has done. I just want to be able to get the help I need to be able to walk again and then I will get the hell away from her yet again and never have anything to do with her EVER again.
First you need to call 911 and let them know of the abuse, second call APS & have her be removed from your house at whatever means necessary, yes she’s your mother probably, but 1st after doing all that request for a court order paternity test to be performed and if she’s really not your mother like I’m suspecting to even if she’s go full force on her, put a restraining order and order of protection against her and have her get chipped so you and the police can know if she’s anywhere near you and after the settlement of your case against her, sell your house and move as far away as possible from her, I should suggest to you to put yourself on the witness protection program so you can change your identity and live a happy life, and sincerely as a adviser to you I suggest to you to don’t ever blame yourself for doing that, she has no right whatsoever into doing the things she’s doing and she needs to learn the hard way that with every bad decision made there’s always going to be a consequence, it’s called cause and effect okay, God Bless You And Your Family!!! Take care sweetheart 😊
My mum does all of these things, except for wanting to live a life she wants. Mine wants me to be unsuccessful and remain in the cycle of bad luck, negativity and financial insecurity which she got herself in when she decided to repeatedly have children from a late teenager. Since I was a child she used to beat me, threaten to kill herself when I was young to make me do things she wanted and told me she hates me and somehow always made me believe that I was in the wrong, I was always the one apologising… I really wish I could go back in time and call child services so I could’ve been taken away because all of this has ruined my mental heath forever, even therapists have struggled with me.
She believes she is always right and gets furiously offended if I counteract her views with logic or offer help or a suggestion to a situation, sometimes even violent. since I was a child she has never been proud of me or anything I’ve achieved, she just always tries to make me feel bad or compares me to her other friend’s children who got further than me. Whenever I tried to talk to her about music I’m producing for my band she either ignores me or tells me I’ll never get anywhere and that I should give up.
She also hid all my documentation such as passport, birth certificate and things for 17 years of my life to prevent me from getting a provisional or updating my passport in case I tried to flee her, Once I had finally gotten it from her, she got in debt and made me give her all my life savings to prevent me having enough money to get a provisional license or update passport to get jobs etc.
Today was the final straw however, I went across the country to hang out with some friends and came home to find that she has been through all my things, My room and belongings have been tampered with and she stole all my photos and tried to log into my computer which has several failed attempts on the password screen. When I confronted her she said she was just looking for a charger and that I’m imagining everything.
I’m in my 20’s and I have no money after she drained me of everything I’m worth, mentally and financially… at this point I’m just gonna save up with a new job and cut her out of my life when I have enough.
Once I caught her on video hitting me and screaming like an actual psychopath and I called the police on her for assaulting me. But the police turned it back on me when she lied and told them I beat her before the video and I was given a warning over it
I just cannot win. she always wins, so I’m better off keeping quiet and giving into her to avoid things like that happening again.
I hope I can get away soon. She knows how to always look like the victim no matter what and she has friends who enable her because they believe she is always the victim and because my dad was a known physical abuser and abandoned me, she uses that to make people believe I am just like him… She’s fully aware that she is in the perfect position to deceive and lie to victimise herself if I ever try to speak up.
I have no choice but to eventually cut her off my life completely :(( I feel like I never had parents in all honesty..
Oh my gosh, reading your words, your story just now, it’s heartbreaking, yet, so much of what you have shared here I completely relate to. Why do our mothers hate us so? Why are they so unhappy? So unstable? It boggles my mind, and I know I will be ever have we the relationship with my mother that I so desperately want and need. Sometimes I think maybe I’m just overreacting or maybe it’s not really that bad, a me d then BOOM!!! just like that she changes up on me yet again- like two nights ago I don’t know what triggered this ridiculous argument we got it into but my mom basically told me to “Shut The Fuck Up” for what reason I assumed she wasn’t happy with what I was saying- but, think about this, about telling your child your own daughter “to shut the fuck up”, talking to me as if I’m scum of the earth a lowlife that should be stomped on, WOW!
It is hard, it is gruelling, it is exhausting, it is sad, it is painful, it is constant stress, turmoil, loneliness, feeling worthless, suicidal, hopeless, etc, etc etc,. Sometimes I wonder why the hell she ever gave birth to me since all she does is hate me so very much
But, the older I get the more I see what she does is and how she does it, and I realize things now as an adult at 55 years old, that I did not understand when I was a child, and I know that I am a good person and I am a strong person and I did not deserve any of the mental and emotional abuse that she has subjected me to since I can remember.
You will be ok to, and just know that there is something missing in your mother, for whatever reason, and she is the one with hate in her heart and therefore has caused her unhappiness with herself, and this has nothing to do with you or anything you have or have not done – remember this!
Take care, and try to heal your heart my dear-
sincerely Suzanna
My mother and dad are controlling, manipulative, gas lighters, for a start, my mothers brothers fear her and tread softly around her in fear of her will, Im in a place right now where I cant hardly explain to you how devastated Iam and how my life has been destroyed because she is actively talking to me every day or every other day and making sure I believe she is a spiritual woman who knows god, that I need to know God as well when really her manipulation and Gas lighting is her God. She says “Im so glad I have God” and Im going to heaven thank you jesus. I think she has lost it. My story is long, It started when I was an age I cant remember but I was forced to do her will through a cult family that at the time was not considered a cult. I would say to her I dont want to go to garden in that family’s (cults) garden but she would force us saying it is gods will. What can I say about the cult family? Well they were extreme, they were threatening, under the guise they were angles sent from heaven, they put us down continuously my brother, sister and mother and , nothing was good enough ever. They forced my mother and dad to get devorced when I was 12 years old. They told my parents to rod me with a rod when I did something in their eyes that was deemed wrong, my dad when we were in the woods together would say, “hey this would make a good rod” to me, who was going to get beaten with it later. I remember doing something they deemed wrong on several occasions and I would bring the rod to them to get beaten thinking I was doing the right thing but really I guess I was manipulated into believing i deserved it. Any way Im not sure if this is making sense as far as a timeline goes but I was told all of this was love and they truly believed it. I remember my mother rodding me or beating me with a stick when I was 19 years old in the bushes of the home of the cult family because I cut their grass with the weedeater to short and the mother of the cult family was furious even tho I did not intentionally skizz their grass. I dont remember much because i think my mind has blocked out the trauma but that is just a few things that happened. I do remember that these things happened for 20 years of my youth from when I was born to when I was 20 years old. Im 42 now There is nothing left of my life my mother has taken everything from me, my joy, my love, my soul, my spirit. Even her friends try to commit suicide. Please dont down play my situation, I and other people here have found this website for a reason. Ive only told you a fraction of what happened.
Hey, I’m so sorry you went through that stuff. I know that in 1 Corinthians 6: 9-11, ” Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who submit to or perform homosexual acts. Nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor verbal abusers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.” It also says in the bible that those who claim to have fellowship with God, yet walk in darkness are lying. A believer cannot have fellowship with God and still practice sin. And sin hurts people. God says your mom is lying, unless she truely repented and now has fellowship with him. The heavenly father saw everything what happened, he understands your pain.
I have been reading a lot about narcissistic mothers and I came across your article. My Mother has a lot of these traits. In my late teens my mother started planting seeds about moving to Florida it was her dream. She had my brother only look at colleges in Florida. My parents had a property in Florida that was their nest egg. After my brother graduated high school her plan was in play. Parents sold house and made a decent amount but my mother thought she was rich. My Father really didn’t want to move. He was happy were he was at. That wasn’t good enough for mom.
She came up to me one day and told me my brother was having depression problems that she need to be close to him and he need a place to come home to so she convinced my father to go to Florida. She came up with this plan to be snow birds. Go to Florida in the winter come back in spring.
I was 23 at the time living at home and I was just starting my apprenticeship in Plumbing. I had enough money save to move close to a major city since work was in the city. My mother came up with this idea for me to rent the house while she as in Florida so they have a place to come home to. I was very gulliable and trusting of my mother she talked me into it. The house we lived in needed work but she didn’t see past that issue
About two month after getting to Florida my father became sick. Went to doctor found out colon cancer dad was a heavy smoker and drinker. I believed he drank to deal with her somethings. My mom was working at the time but didn’t have insurance yet. My father needed surgery ASAP. Her nest egg was going to be drained . Instead of coming home she then convinced basically guilted me to buy her house so she could buy a house in Florida. My mother work as a real estate agent and accountant. She also knew laws about bankruptcy.
Being a good son I would do any think for my parents I didn’t question anything. My mom gets me to buy house with no inspection because she didn’t want to have to pay a real estate agent extra money typical lie.
Being a lot older now you never by a house with no inspection. I was under the assumption she would help me if anything was wrong she knew house need major repair. boy was I wrong
She controlled the whole situation. She didn’t look at me as her son I was just the guy to get her out of trouble.
She buys her house in Florida and files for bankruptcy a couple months later to clear off father medical bills
About a year later I confront my mom about major repairs and she just deflects and puts it all on me . Not she problem anymore.
I was so angry. I told her my feels that she used me. She turned it around and made me feel like a bad son and your Father is sick how dear you. Your bother need us!
I didn’t talk to her for 2 weeks I broke down and apologized. I knew in my heart she did me wrong. I didn’t want to fight.
A year pass and my father died from cancer. I helped pay for the funeral. I buried alot of resentment for the sake of our family
A couple years pass I meet my wife and we plan our wedding, My Brother also was getting married around the same time a month after that boy did that make things hard. My mother tried to control everything we did with our wedding but my wife shut her down. She was not having it. The night before the wedding I got in a major fight with her. I ended up bringing up everything from the past because I was so angry with the way she acts and the disrespect to my wife and her family I couldn’t take it anymore she has to be the center of attention. She basically bad mouth my wife to all my relatives her flying monkeys. Its was an awkward wedding she made my wife miserable. My Mother in law wanted to beat her up. It was bad.
Month later I had to go to Florida for my Brothers wedding. I was the best man. I didn’t talk to any of my family members about the way she acted big mistake on my end. I didn’t realized I was being gas lit
I end up getting into a major fight with her because she said something that set me off.
I end up leaving early because I could not be around her any more
a month later I got into an argument with my brother about the way she acts. She treats him a lot differently and he looks at here as a saint. We haven’t talked in 8 years and it hurts. He has two kids I never meet and he has a nephew. I hold a lot of anger toward him for not having my back. I always told him the truth. He has a lot of anger toward me for the things I have said in the past.
I cut my mother off 3 years ago I really never want to talk to her ever again. I lost my brother and my other family because she gas lit me. Some of my family know how she is but they deal with it because they don’t see her much. I’m now the black sheep.
Having my son and wife is a blessing I am two years sober of alcohol, great job and new home.
I hope to reconnect with my brother one day but It will never happen as long as she is in his life.
Love your story because I can relate to you, but talking of gaslighting that II have a narcissi parents, a younger brother and older sister. Although, I am very-very quite guy and very=very reserver, I end up the black sheep of the family because I stop playing their game and they didn’t like that 🙂 My oldest brother said or advice just me look them as your family but don’t need to do what they want to control on me, especially with borrowing/stealing money in thousands of dollars from me. I hope other victims can do the same thing.
These 20 points put all mothers guilty!!! I feel it’s unfair at all！ Shouldn’t a kid be responsible for his or her own behaviors? Shouldn’t there be any punishment for wrongdoings? Shouldn’t a mom express her true feelings when her children do sth unsatisfied? Shouldn’t a child appreciate his or her parents’ effort in raising him or her? Shouldn’t one behave himself in order not to hurt any family member’s feelings? One can not live all by himself. Family is where unconditional love is more likely to be found though there are some bad ones.
This was not a post about great parents. I am a 37-year-old still a little angry. I got molested by two uncles. My mother’s brothers. But because they got saved, I have to forgive them. I go to so many family functions with hate in my heart. My mother did nothing she just tried to score pills from my rapist’s girlfriend, her brother. In which she blamed me because I was a teen dressed trampy and I brought it upon myself. The resentment stayed and I told everyone what happened when I was 22. Everyone called me a liar. Only my sister, brother, and cousins believed me. Something tormented me. I still am expected to be normal with my family to have a family.
You didn’t deserve what happened to you, Cherie, and I’m so sorry that it happened. Your mother’s lack of support and accountability is shocking, and it seems like your family, with some exceptions, wants you to just move on and “let bygones be bygones.” But sweeping things under the rug never healed anybody. I encourage you to seek a safe space where you can talk about the incest – a support group, perhaps, a therapist, a good friend. It’s the only way to work through the pain and grow stronger. And…you don’t HAVE TO forgive anybody, regardless of their religious choices or affiliations. You don’t owe it to your uncles. Did they acknowledge the abuse? Did they make amends? Or did they just pretend like it never happened? If that’s the case, they don’t deserve your forgiveness.
Sincerely,
Lana
No, these 20 points do not make all mothers guilty. These 20 points illustrate unacceptable behavior. Mother don’t get a free pass to do unacceptable things. Our children do not exist to “make us happy.” When a mother manipulates (abuses) a child for her own purposes (even if she is unaware) that child doesn’t “owe” her appreciation. Family members express feelings in appropriate ways for the purpose of maintaining healthy relationships, not to enforce rules that cause each other pain. Unconditional love means mothers don’t withhold love when a child disappoints. We love our children because they are our children, not because they make us feel good or look good. I have had to learn this over the past 7 years since I went “no contact” with my mother and my siblings. I was 59 years old before I began to understand that my mother is manipulative and, as a result, my family is toxic. There are reasons for the way she is, but my siblings enable her, at my expense, and I deserve better. I have, in the process, discovered where my own mothering failed and have been working to repair the damage that I inflicted on my own, now adult, children.
So if the kid is responsible for his own behavior, what is your purpose as a mother? Why do you ID and voting right and the kid doesn’t? Any idea? Why the kid should worship you under any circumstances? The worship is something you deserve not get automatically just for bringing this kid into the world he didn’t ask and provide him with food, which is your duty by law and you know it very well before conceiving your child.
No, mother shouldn’t express her true feelings if it means anger and manipulation. Mother is adult and unless her IQ is 45, it is expected she has some anger management, empathy and self-discipline, which is not something you can expect from child. You remember, that’s why he doesn’t have ID and voting right.
Child is not your toy to please you. If you believe it is, you should never have a child. And trust me, it doesn’t put all mothers guilty, just those that believe the child is not a independent person, rather just her own extension that was made with one and only purpose: please his mother and care of her needs. Little slave of yours.
“All mothers” is not correct. I know most mothers who very loving to their children. You sound like that you are guilty of all the 20 points for sure that you are one of the. I advised to get a psychologist or psychiatrist to cure your mental illness.
I am not entirely clear on your response to this article, so forgive me if I am misinterpreting your message. My position based on my own experiences is that extreme Narcissists, whether supervisors, parents or co-workers, all attempt to make their targets feel bad, and make themselves look good to uninvolved people. They do so through the most insidious ways where there is plausible deniability. Their methods are different because of the relationship to the target, the control they have over them, and the degree of dependency. So in the case of co-workers, although they don’t have the power to abuse someone through “discipline,” they might look to gaslight or push buttons or smear, for the purpose of upsetting the target. Malice and stealth would be the operative words with these sickos. The 20 points above are an overview, but don’t emphasize the cunning nature of NPD people. They tailor their attacks to surreptitiously inflict psychological harm on their targets, and cover their tracks with well crafted lies, another skill that they possess. No, children are not responsible for the abuse that their parents inflict on them. To imply that parents get a pass on their abusive behavior just because they fed and clothed their children is wrong.
This list can be misleading. You are right. There is no such thing as a perfect mother and most mothers are guilty of most of the things in this list. However, when you have a mother who has no remorse or empathy, to a pathological degree, then, that is a very different matter. You know the difference between a good person who does bad things and a truly bad person, when you have to live with them. There is no mistaking the difference. For those who have been damaged by a mother with serious psychological problems, they know what a horrible form of abuse that is.
As I read the comments I am in tears. I have delt with so much of what everyone is saying about their mother and what the article states. It’s so hurtful to have to recover and deal with pain caused by your mother.. I feel betrayed, hurt and sometimes crazy for feeling frustrated by her actions. She has never been nurturing, protective, loving or intentional in getting to know me and I am grateful to God for the wisdom to get help with boundaries. I pray everyone here has peace and can learn to forgive their moms despite the pain…and forgiving them doesnt mean you have to say sorry, make amends, or have a close “normal” relationship with them.
Well everything what is written here had happened and still happening with me…
I have researching much last month about her toxic behavior and seems she have so many traits almost from all the personality disorders, unfortunately me too already have so much health problems physical and mental because of the chronic emotional stress…
Living with her means going forward with slow steps to the death!
She have destroyed me in all the ways, financially, emotionally, mentally and physically.
I can’t go anywhere I can’t do anything…
But here is one thing which I can’t understand so why she is even destroying herself and not taking care of her health? I think she is out of her mind totally because she not taking care of herself and then blaming me for her own condition, so means she is ok with the idea that her health is already destroyed? Or maybe her insanity not letting her to realize what she doing? She have OCD PPD and NPD maybe also DPD I think maybe she had PTSD which affect on her and 4 years ago when I was left her and go to live alone she was suffering more and even not eating properly… I was decided to come back because of my own insecurity and because people was using my own vulnerability against me and I had faced so many hard times out of the home even when I had a place to stay but people had using my situation against me and also I had see that my mom is suffering so much then I decided to come back but she in this last 4 years behaving so much more badly with me than ever…
The strange part is that she can sacrifice her own needs for me for example she always since my childhood had buying things mostly for me and not for herself, she was giving the biggest piece of food to me she was hugging loving me always even now days sometimes she doing it but she is also so much abusive, blackmailing gaslighting blaming me for everything criticizing making me feel like I’m worthless making me feel like I can’t do anything right ever, she had issues with my father and she hate him she always saying that she wanna kill him…I wanna understand that her shifts between love and hate towards me is due to my father? I think so have some connection on it because she always saying me
(please don’t be like him, you doing same things like he, or you have sometimes same fascial expression ohh no change this shitty facial expression or so many shit pass by his genes to you)….
And the life difficulties makes her be more toxic day by day, when she awake I can’t do anything even I can’t touch my phone, even I can’t move around I have to sit down and good at least she not saying to me (hold your breath also) I start to having more health issues because of the stress and the worst thing is my worldview is changing I start to have cruel thoughts even I scaring by my own thoughts sometimes by my own emotional instability, I understand well what’s going on but I can’t change it, now make sense that how people becoming numb then losing the empathy…good at least yet I didn’t lose it but often I feel so numb and have some bad thoughts…
I had trying to understand what’s going on in her mind I think many things I have understand and still have things…but the still I can’t control the situation I wanna control her insanity that is the only thing which I want to do to maintain the peace in home.
I can tell from the article that you have met my mother. I wanted to put my name as S.O.B., which would have been entirely accurate. As far back as I can remember, she was a little odd. She never really had any friends, and interactions were always confrontational, whether it was with her siblings, Dad, the neighbors, the cops that stopped her for her horrific driving, or the paper boy. As I got older, it was apparent to me that she was not right.
My “home” was never a loving place, except for a few activities with Dad when I was young.
I had read somewhere that the eastern Europeans considered families that showed affection “a little soft in the head,” so I attributed the coldness to that. It went further, though…
I tried to put the abuse by her behind me. It was almost as though she got her parenting instructions from the DSM IV. You know, the humiliation, insults, the backhand, torture by being forced to kneel on dried beans, the shaming, the digs, the rejection, the screaming, the snooping, the “identified patient” thing, the denials of wrongdoing, the lack of apologies, the stonewalling, bragging about her murdering my pets.. I had a really bad time in adolescence, almost quit school, got connected to a bad crowd, all of who eventually died. I was spared. Life improved after I moved out.
She finally did the world a favor and died in 2015. It wasn’t until I was about 60 that I ran across articles on Narcissistic mothers, too late to apply anything that I had learned. You know, it’s bad enough that she messed up the rest of the family, too. But before she died, she had to add insult to injury with the smears of me, separating me from my brother and the will change. Everything that I read says that I need to forgive her, but that’s a pretty tall order. I get it that she probably got messed up from her parents, but the heinousness of her abuse surely must have required some conscious thought. The alternative is that she was nor responsible for her actions, and thus required medical supervision in a lockup. Too bad that she never got it.
rick i want to talk with u more. maybe if you email me, at= polly is jonnys mom (all one word) at outtlookdot com , we could chat. u will be happy u did i promise.
Rick, I know exactly what you mean when you say, ” She finally did the world a favor and died in 2015,” You aren’t celebrating her death but an ending of the abuse, I feel the same way about my 99-year-old mother, who is getting operated on this Monday for a gall bladder obstruction. I don’t wish her dead, but I do wish freedom from the abusive behavior from my mother, her flying monkey friends, and my weak and manipulative brother who wants me to take care of my mother so that he doesn’t have to. (By the way, he calls me the “golden child” because my mother kept me so close. and under her control. Consider this: The golden child is sometimes the most abused in the family because he/she has given up large parts of his/her life to serve the abuser. It often takes years for the “golden child” to see that his/her life isn’t so golden.) I spent the last twenty years going no contact for long periods and then caving in when my brother or my mother’s friends persuaded me that I was being a bad daughter for not taking care of my mother (who lives in an assisted living home–a home I found for her but that she detests). The surgery mentioned earlier has brought me back into contact with her and a new flying monkey: a staff member at the assisted living center who called to chide me for not being in my mother’s life, Even after years of therapy, I caved in and accepted the criticism. Now, I am angry with myself…so angry that I am contacting the staff member and telling her off on Monday. I have decided to become a force to be reckoned with–including with my mother. If she or anyone in her circle even hints at criticizing or manipulating me, they will be told off and given a warning. A second offense, they are cut off and out completely. Code word: Empowerment. I will keep you updated.
Hi Carol,
I know what you mean about flying monkeys. The NPD abusers are experts at rallying people to their side. My mother was good at manipulating strangers, who would remark about what a nice person she was. Little did they know…
My mother didn’t want me when she found out she was pregnant with me. She was young and ignorant and didn’t know about abortion otherwise she would have aborted me. She couldn’t give me up because my father would never have allowed it and everyone would question her about why, or even judge her for it. Her self image was very important to her. She didn’t take care of herself because she was hoping for a miscarriage. I was born premature weighing less than 4lbs and was very sick. I stayed in the hospital for almost 3 months. In those 3 months my only company were the nurses who adored me. My mother hated that I was getting attention that she wanted only for herself. She rarely visited. They called her and said I was well enough to go. She didn’t want to get me so she told my father who was convinced I might not even be his daughter. She told him that if I don’t get picked up I would be ward of the state. He said that if I don’t look like I am his, they can keep me. He went there looked at all the babies and I was the one who had his full attention and it was love at first sight. He knew right away that I was his daughter. He didn’t take me home to my mother, but took me to his sisters and he kept me for over 2 weeks learning to bathe me care for me and learn how I react to how he holds me rocks me and what is soothing to me. Learning all about me. He eventually had to take me to my mother because after 2 weeks she decided to ask him about me and threaten him with kidnapping. Single mother can’t collect benefits from the state without a child… She never expressed love or even try to build a bond with me. I was neglected emotionally and abused physically and mentally growing up. My father was shot and killed by the police while he was just trying to get me away from a woman who was trying to kill me and making it seem like a accident. After he died she learned she could receive survivor benefits for me so she stopped trying to get rid of me. But she did take out on me how much she hated having me. I was molested by the man she married and she kept quiet out of fear of him and the control he had on her through manipulation. She eventually filed for a divorce and he threatened to take all of us from her because she had a 5th grade level education and she never worked a day in her life and couldn’t afford all 5 of us even if she had a job. She asked me if I wanted to live with him and I said no because I didn’t want him molesting me or worse. So she said that the only way he can’t take custody of us is if he has done something wrong. I didn’t know at that time she was aware of what he was doing… I spoke up. He did do something wrong! He has been touching me down there and it is uncomfortable to me and I don’t want him doing it anymore. She lit up and said that is exactly what she needs to stop him. I asked her if she could call the police and have him locked up. She said she needs to talk to him first. She brought him over and told me to repeat to him what I said and I did. He denied it and she said she knows exactly when it first started because I was always going to their bed after a nightmare and stayed throughout the night and one night I left before it was morning and went back to my room and never went back to their room again after that. I was shocked!!! She knew he did it and when he first started!!! I was crushed to know that she kept quiet and allowed me to be molested by him the many times after!! She said that she would rather put him in prison than have him take the kids away from her and that she will get whatever she is offered as part of the divorce and if he doesn’t agree to her terms he can kiss his freedom goodbye. He agreed and I shut down. She used what happened as blackmail and got what she wanted. She got child support for his 3 kids and spousal support as well. She already had $1600 in survivor benefits for me and my brother who was born a year after me so she was set even with benefits from the state for all of us as a single divorced parent. She continued to hold over his head what he did and what can happen if she doesn’t have things her way because she can just say that I kept it to myself and then finally told her. She loved the control over him and the fact that she had a good enough excuse for hating me and beating me to the point of unconsciousness because she could accuse me of provoking him and enjoyed it. She knew it wasn’t true but she knew I wouldn’t say anything. I suffered a lot more than that. I was accused of being pregnant by him and having a secret relationship with him. That I made up the whole thing about him because I was not a normal child . that I was always making up stories for attention. Of course I would never say anything so everyone decided that it was all true. Her way to keep her well preserved image and not have to explain to anyone why she never did anything to protect me. She knew that no mother would ever purposely put her own child in harms way for her own financial gain and control over the situation. She knew nobody would have any respect for her and she was not about to let that happen!!! She would rather have everyone in the family including my own siblings hate me and want nothing to do with me than to look bad in the eyes of anyone. I finally broke free from her in my mid 30s. I am now 46 and have been rejected , ridiculed, misunderstood, and despised by every one of them and by anyone who I try get close to because they all put it in their heads what my mother hardwired into their heads. I have never known love, not even by my kids because I didn’t know how to be the mother they needed. I of course love them and they know that I do but I was and still am emotionally unstable and mentally ruined by severe depression ptsd and not knowing who I am supposed to be act react and feel appropriately. I either over do it or not enough. I don’t have my own identity. She had full control over how I should feel act react and think. 46 years old with the look of a 30 year old woman desperate for the love I never got and confused about what it should feel like if it was genuine or fake for selfish gain. I am forever ruined and always taken advantage of. I live in a house that is shared with someone who I have never been intimate with but I have my own room. He is verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive towards me and I don’t have anyone to ask for help. My severe depression has me with bad anxiety, thoughts of suicide without any intentions on following through and I am afraid to even leave the house and find help because I don’t think anyone will take me serious or believe that he would have that much power and control over me like he does. Simply because what I look like on the outside is nothing like what I really am. I have a attractive, but big resting b**ch and everyone thinks that instead of me being the helpess desperate victim, it would be him because he knows that I don’t know how I should react appropriately to certain situations. I will look super aggressive and really be scared for my life and well-being. I don’t know what to do or who to talk to that would be trained in how to understand me and help me. I am stuck here and I literally am losing my mind. All this because of the mother I had. I forgave my step father because I knew I had to. Also because despite the issue I have with what he did, it doesn’t come anywhere close to the life long damage my mother has caused. She ruined my life and robbed me of having any type of relationship with everyone else causing me to be completely isolated from my own family. I don’t know how to forgive her. Especially since she still to this day is causing me more pain and problems with everyone to prevent me from being helped by anyone. I’m fighting for my life. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live my life suffering and completely alone and unloved like I have my whole life. This is my last attempt at getting help. I am sharing my life story and hoping someone out there is professionally trained for helping someone like me. I don’t have anyone.
I didn’t realize who, or what my mother is until my 40s. I didn’t understand it. I can go back to when I was 8 and my mother screaming at me she hated me. Her reactions to me versus my older siblings was extremely different. I couldn’t talk to her at all. First time I asked about sex she slapped me so hard I fell off the chair. I always thought it was me. That I was a horrible child, a horrible teenager. She has said some very hateful, hurtful things to me as well as slap me , popping my ear, all through childhood and teenage life. As an adult she used tactics such as tell me to give back the gift she gave me ( for not doing what she wants) because she paid for it and it’s hers. When trying to force me into a decision she wanted she would say “pick your poison”. Anytime I ever try to talk about how I felt she rolls her eyes, tells me to get over it. She will dredge up events that occurred 30, 40 years ago about someone such as my brother’s wife and boo hoo about it. Making herself the victim over and over. I could go on forever but, to sum it up, my mom is and always has been a manipulator, liar, controlling, bully. Unfortunately I am the only one of 4 children she treated as badly as she has. I recently opened up to one of my brothers about it and I was told I can no longer have contact with her unless going through him. That I was disrespectful to her. He believes everything she says. She is 83. I am looking at this as finally being free of her. I used to think her death would be my freedom. I can see though, when that does occur I will have to deal with one sibling who thinks I am some horrible person through the after stuff, when it is done, then I can walk away. He is much like her.
So eerily similar to my life I just had to reply. Thank you for sharing as I’m nearly 40 now and after a mental breakdown am just now unpacking it all, invalidating or shaming/guilting sibling and all.
Wow, your story sounds like mine,,, I’m the 3rd child of 4 and I’m the only one that “hates” our mother. So now nobody talks to me. I didn’t realize a lot until my early 40’s. How could i have been so blind?? But I’m the only girl, a daddy’s girl, and she was jealous of me. My older brothers are perfect to her, but they’re still looking for approval from her, in their 50’s. My younger brother only sends a text on holidays to her. He looked like my dad so whenever she was mad at dad, he got beaten more. I realize now, why my dad was a truck driver and not home all the time. Not one of us ever told my dad of the abuse while he was gone until we were all adults and had our own families. He apologized until the day he died that he wasn’t there for us all the time. I’m just sorry that she didn’t die before him. He died at 54yrs old after 35 years of trying to please a psychopath that he met and felt sorry for cuz she was 19 with 2 kids with nothing to support them. So he stayed and adopted them. My dad kept our family together. Now it’s a mess. Us 4 kids live within 5 miles of each other and all of us act like strangers when we were SO SO close. But Mommy dearest knows how to throw a train off its tracks.
My mother grew up in a military family, strict to the tee, always fighting for their dad’s approval even though he did cherish them both. Im an only child, parents divorced when I was 1. I dont have any bad memories of my childhood with just Mum and I. However, they did start at about 5 yrs old when my Mum fell for a up until my mother fell for a ‘Power Hungry’ yet ‘Spoiling’ Rich Narcassist.
He never wanted kids, but I came with this successful and hot woman whether he liked it or not – so he was nice enough to set a room up with a rubber mattress and food tray as a bedside (for the following two years after too..). Anyway, one year into living with him and I dont know which mum im going to get each morning, I dont know if my mum loves me anymore.. and im 6 or 7!
He was verbally abusive, He always spoke over me at any age, He wouldnt factor me into any plans that hes taken reign on – so much so that I was considered a +1 guest of my grandparents at my own mums birthday parties.. at the house I sleep in. I wasn’t allowed to any parties in primary school, I wasnt allowed to go to a friends house for a few hours after school. I had to be home waiting on him hand and foot.. scrubbing his every dish, Washing his car, his dogs, collecting up the dead branches on our acreage for his weekly fire pit, popping his pimples on his back. If he drove by me walking home from school, he’d never stop and yell something. The one that hurt me the most was: “you look like youre starting to swallow your clothes with your food, I’ll let you keep walking”.
I look back to those times and feel great heartache for my mother because I could see the hurt in her eyes when she would watch this, but it was also as if she had to maintain giving away affection in front of him. When my grades fell to C’s in the middle year of high school, he told me to leave because I wasnt successful enough to live in the house, Mum never said a word.
So from ages 15 to 23, I only saw mum once a month if she was able to work me into her schedule. I didnt really understand why it had turned out like this between me and her, but I never fought it either. I wished he never came into our lives, he ruined my mum further, and was so good at rubbishing my ‘potential’ to my mother that she believed ‘solely’ would be the one or the thing to make her life truly worth living.
Fast forward and im now 25 – theyve seperated after 20 years and he took her for everything. He blamed mums family (my grandparents, me, other distant relatives) for every problem in that relationship. He hardly made himself known to our family but hes that good at what he does that of course mum has now turned against the family. My grandparents cherish her and start apologising for things they havent done just so they dont lose her. I didnt know of there being a seperation until this point. At the same time my lease ended in Metro QLD where the covid cases are rising, mum has heard this info from my grandparents and decided to ‘graciously’ offer for me to stay at her new house until my new lease has been accepted. But with the relationship between my grandparents and her having ‘been solved’ – the only place she can now turn to now for blame is me – now blaming me for her misscarriage when I was 10, punching me in fits of anger about the seperation because they were 2 years off retiring at 50, crushing her headache tablets to powder in preparation of visitors – so she can pull it out ‘in disgust’ and accuse me of using her lonely new home as a drug operation. My grandparents also supporting these claims (which hurts the most, because we’re all old enough to know you cant support claims you werent actually around to ‘witness’, but they still are, no matter what it is next – and its so they dont lose mum).
The last event of the stay ended with a visit from her local police where I was appointed a protection order by mum (whos now behind me in tears) for unlawful property damage of her car and her communications device (safety issue). What the police didnt know was she scratched her own car that afternoon in the grocery carpark, and that her ‘Safety Communications Device’ is her old phone. What mum didnt know was, I am certaintly clever enough to be able to prove all that in court. That night of the local police visit, mum requested that I be taken to a shelter because thats the only place fit for filth like me. They proceeded to follow me to the hotel I booked and called my mother as per her request for safety’s sake.
Today, she hasnt attempted contact in 7 months. My grandparents like to reassure – in writing – that ‘they can’t see past the damage I’ve caused in my mothers life’. Im constantly reminding myself that plenty of women go through life without their mothers and still live a fulfilling life, and that I will be okay. My anger for her has taken a hold of most days, and Im physically unwilling to have her a part of my life. But emotionally, somedays, part of me is still 4years old wanting to dance and sing with mum in the loungeroom. I dont think those type of days will ever fade.
Hi Chelsea,
that’s a heartbreaking story…I’m proud of you that you went through this and survived. Living without your mom…It is never easy, no matter what people say. A part of you will always miss her, that is the way our brains are wired from the moment we’re born, and even before that. It’s OK to allow yourself these feelings while at the same time protecting yourself and keeping your distance. I know it hurts that the other family members have chosen sides in this and haven’t shown you much support, but that’s not something we have control over. Maybe with time, they will see things differently. But for now, try to find solace in the fact that you have many other people – people you don’t even know – who support you, understand you, and can relate to many things you’ve described.
Sincerely,
Lana
This fits my Mother to a tee. So a little background about me. I am 63 a single father of a soon to be 18 year old daughter. During my youth into my mid 30’s I was a drug addict. I have been sober since 1995. At that time I was destitute. After getting sober I got married divorced and widowed after having a child at 45. The week my daughters Mother died I also had lost my job. The type of work I do had me on plane going coast to coast almost weekly. What was I going to do with a 5 year old ? I moved to Florida close to my parents launched a business and my parents helped me with my daughter. Until she was about 12 when my Dad was injured. I always had a tenuous relationship with my Mother. As I said at one point I was dependent on my parents due to my drug abuse. When I got sober and had their only grand child, I also became very successful. I paid off my Mortgage and purchased a vacation home that is also paid for. My daughters education is funded and I now am worth $2 million plus. My own sister played the victim and would not even hold my daughter in the beginning. My Brother-in-law had cut all ties with his own Mother and Sister and systematically alienated my family, Cousins, Aunts Uncles and me. My Mother always sided with my sister and my brother-in-law. No matter what I do raising my child successful at work I get no recognition from my Mother. When my dad was bedridden for 2 years prior to his death I was not supportive enough, while my sister and her husband would fly down from NY to Florida and spent day and night in the hospital. Now my Mother was in the hospital up in NY and I was told not to fly up because my Sister and her husband would be able to visit if I took one of their slots. I was told to come after she was discharged. Now my Mother is saying that no one came to visit her meaning me and she almost died. She gave my sister and her husband power of attorney and said there would be nothing left in her estate because they need to take care of her now. She cant stand that I don’t need her money, she is always the victim. My sister is gods gift to her. I cant stand her anymore, they hate that I am succsessful and can raise my child alone. Everything this article says is my Mother to a tee.
Everything in this article is my “mother” that woman always been abusing me since my childhood. I’m from Africa. She would beat me up for no reason…. Even now I’m grown I don’t know if that woman is my real mother. She’ve been very evil to me even here in the United States. I can even write the whole book about it.
I disagree with your article and the affect it probably has on alot of daughters. I love my daughter unconditionally and gave her everything I could, especially as a single mother. My children have been my world. I would do anything for them and have never been “abusive” or “manipulative”. I have loved them and supported them in anything they have chosen in their lives whether it would have been my choice or not. But some young women, like my daughter, has chosen to take a wonderful life and turn it into something different after reading articles like yours. You make it seem as though loving and nurturing your daughter is for one reason and one reason only and that is to manipulate them. You are way off base and should not generalize the way you do. Thank you for making matters worse.
I couldnt agree with you more. My daughter just accused me of fitting precisely into #1. This may actually be somewhat true, however all the others describe her to “T. I dont know if she got this article from a therapist or found it on her own, but it is extremely damaging to her.
It seems only mothers complaining about their daughters accusations are commenting on this.
I’m hearing alot of defensive backlash closely tied to the 20 points made above. Maybe the mirror is getting too close? What about the sons, like me, who are still suffering the after effects of abuse. Meanwhile our fathers are caught in the cross fire of the modern domestic wasteland.
Anyone who dares to contest these glaringly bright red flags clearly is adopting another one; denial.
Anyone who reads this article and is enraged may well be part of the problem. Those who read it with sadness are here to change the cycle.
-Heart Scars
Exactly right. So we’ll said! Take care.
Thank you sir for pointing that out. I agree with all you just wrote. At 45 I a, still dealing with these affects. I am Reading this article as a Coping resources and not a means of assigning blame or finding ammunition. This is helpful for children of the cycle trying to break it. Why are some people getting defensive? Why is reading this to find answers and understand feelings interpreted so negatively by some replying? Hmmmm?
I totally dont agree with you and if you didnt have a manipulative mother you wouldnt understand. Everything said here is to the tee. My mom is the finest example. I love my mother unconditionally but she doesnt love that way towards anyone. She always tells people she would do anything for her kids and she would but only to own you. She will insist on helping you when you need help even if you tell her no which she will cause you misery till you agree to let her. Then she will say i want to do this you dont need to pay me back but she will hang it over your head for the rest of your life. She will try to take back what she can if someday you dont agree with a bad decision she is making then your no good and dont appreciate everything she does for you. Then she is already mad at you snd will attack you every chance she gets blurting out all your mistakes in life for the world to hear that have nothing to do with anything today. She will mske you feel like a good for nothing human and in the same day has needed me and at the end tells me she couldnt of done this without me. She acts this way all the time. She expects me to read her mind when she needs something and if i dont im a terrible daughter. She lived with me and if i didnt put her clothes in the dryer when i first woke up even though i washed them without her doing so and they woukd still be dirty she would threaten me she was leaving and that i basically had no right to have a cup of coffee first. Everything was always about her and she would manipulate whoever however and whenever she could no matter who she hurt. Everything i or my brother does for her which is a lot she doesnt remember even if it is everyday so she can play the victim and the only one who does anything for anyone. She still throws at me how she bought me a car when i was 16 that i never asked for and i dont appreciate it and im 58 now and have done so much for her as i do appreciate all she has done but she is the obe who doesnt appreciate anything. We buy her things and she gives or throws them away. How rude. I guess in her sick mind thats her way of feeling she dont owe us anything. Sad!!
My mom exactly in same way behaving but one thing which is confusing me that she doing everything consciously or unconsciously sometimes I doubt on it because she destroying her own health too and I want to know she is aware of it or not, because she not taking care of herself even not eating on time not doing anything for herself and then she blaming me for her own situation…
I wanna find out that all because she have PPD OCD and NPD or she even ready to sacrifice her life for her own insanity..
I don’t know Kim’s situation at all, so can only comment on what’s here. She is spending time commenting specifically to place blame of her relationship with her daughter on this article, and others like it. She states her daughter has chosen to ruin a good life because of articles like this. What do you thinks she mean by “wonderful life”? I’d bet that “wonder life” ONLY refers to the relationship with her daughter, and nothing else (Kim please comment if this article has influenced your daughter to make other poor choices that don’t involve YOU in any way, like a poor career or academic choice, etc.). She also claims other “young women” have met the same fate. I’d bet that she has no other context and made that up to suit her narrative (Kim, again, please tell me where I’m wrong). I write this reply for those dealing with a toxic person who is really good at twisting truths, like Kim *may* be doing (we truthfully don’t know her situation). The subtlety of mischaracterizing situations and interchanging phrases (like “wonderful life” vs “our relationship”) is a classic move I’ve seen over and over again. It allows the toxic person to set the stage to support the upcoming guilt and extremism used to support the outcome they want. When I finally caught on to this, I’d argue that the mischaracterization, which rarely turned out to be effective. The hardest part for me was to stop arguing the manipulative use of words, as the arguments became circular and the toxic person actually became more effective. For example, no decision due to the distraction of argument if often an outcome that suits the toxic person. The sooner you can become aware of this seemingly subconscious ability of the toxic person, the sooner you can start controlling your reaction. I’m been working on it for years and am honestly still pretty poor at not letting it bother me and further, letting it dictate my own behavior (i.e. continuing to argue it, raising my voice, etc.). Hope my experience adds some perspective to others dealing with such a big challenges. To Kim – If you weren’t being defensive, you’d have self-evaluated a bit, at minimum would have realized you could change something (everyone has room for improvement), and seen your daughter’s actions as neutral – she is specifying how she wants to engage in relationships that may or may not serve her well and will change as she learns, rather than placing blame on “articles” and trying to disguise the fact you are talking about her relationship with YOU and not some broader negative influence. If I could ask your daughter if she is generally happier now then before she set boundaries, and she said “yes” then we have our answer and you are toxic. If she answered “no” then she needs help and you commenting on this reasonable, for-generic-audiences article, is a non-effective use of your efforts. Either way, I wish you luck.
I agree with Kim 100%. Mothers are not perfect, and so as children. We are all not perfect.
Mother’s love cannot be judged as manipulative. Everyone’s situations are different.
I put all her needs first before me, even before she existed. My 23 year old daughter since she was 17 live with her father and step mother and her half 2 brothers while in university, closer to where her father’s home. Her step mother and I are not in good terms since she meddles a lot, and refuse to ever step back. She is very manipulative and even proud of it. My daughter told me to step back while she attends university. I got upset and we never spoken to each other for over 2 years. But I do tried to contact her how she was doing and stuff, and sometimes I am lucky enough to receive a reply. I visited her at her work place after not speaking/seeing each other for over 2 years, where her step mother work as well. We kind of worked things out and started spending time like going out to lunch/dinner etc. But suddenly she started being cold with me, and told me she prefer to text rather than call. She wouldn’t spend holidays with me and I only see her when I go visit her. She never initiate the contact and see me or visit me at my place. I asked her why she became cold, and she said that since we did not talk for 2 years it is still hard for her and said I am GUILT TRIPPING her.
Don’t rant ..it’s about the mothers who are evil, manipulative, toxic, etc., and making the lives of daughters HELL.
.. DON’T BRING THE CASE OF YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU HERE!!
I agree with you Kim. We did our best. I love my daughter so much and have done so much for her and my grandson.Some of the shit people post is just crazy and young kids read it and take it in a different context and then go blame the parents for how they feel
It is terribly painful to realize that you failed your children. I always thought that I’d provided my kids with everything they needed. I had no idea how to meet their emotional needs and so they went unmet. It changed them. I am learning how to repair the damage and the relationships so that they can go forward in life understanding what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. My mother did not meet my emotional needs, she didn’t know how. Sadly, she cannot acknowledge her failure and so we cannot have a relationship. .
My mother was likely more than a narcissist. I believe she may have been a psychopath. She does all a narcissist does and more. Her children were objects to be manipulated. She turned us against one another and doled out a very limited amount of love which could be yanked back at anytime. She also tried to turn her 8 children against their older, functional alcoholic father. He never understood what was happening. She did nothing for 6 years to stop a child molester who hunted her daughters once or twice a week. Finally, when outsiders intervened, she was forced to step in. She particularly hated 2 younger daughters. The oldest of the 2, escaped as soon as she was able. All she knew was the unthinkable, her mother wanted to destroy her. The younger daughter and the family’s youngest, never escaped. Decades later, still living with her highly abusive mother as her servant (decades after her father’s death), she died by suicide. Her mother discovered her body and lied about it, which lead to the traumatization of the neighbor who the mother called to look for her daughter. The mother just days later spoke at lunch with her children about what a loser their sister was, especially compared with the mother’s own accomplishments prior to marriage. Never feeling any remorse, the mother died less than one year later. I am the older of the 2 daughters, the one who escaped? Who never really escaped. I failed my sister. My siblings only feel relief their sister is gone. I am in therapy for PTSD. I have left my siblings behind. Their punishment is that no nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. can communicate with me until I “come home where I belong. . .to my family.” I need to deny all that I know, saw, feel, about everything. They still seek to undermine me and my relationships. I don’t expect that to ever change. I don’t wish my life on anyone. Somehow, my determination to get a normal life and LOTS of work has rewarded me with a career, husband and children. We are more than functional, we are successful. Yet, I remain forever haunted by my past and banned from at least 50 familial relationships.
You know I’ve been dealing with an emotionally and physically abusive mom since I was a kid. My brother has been her favorite child. The beatings started when I was a preschooler, I remmeber she decided to teach me alphabets at home and beat me up brutally. She once hit me on my head with the scissors and lied st the hospital saying I fell from the stairs. My brother has never been good at academics, he had some learning disability while I was good at school. Got awards in sports too. But my mom never appreciated anything and would never even mentioned my achievements to anyone. She made comments on my looks all the time, made me hate my body and stopped giving me food for lunch starting grade 3. I wasn’t allowed to eat anything for breakfast other than a glass of milk and had to spend the entire day starving. I remember in grade 5 we had guests over and I took a piece of chicken, she beat me up brutally and made me run on the treadmill and increased the speed to a level thag made me fall. I remmeber jer telling me thag I’m so ugly that no one will ever want to marry me so I’ll be ugly broke and homeless while my brother will live ina. Huge mansion with his beautiful wife. I’m crying while typing all this. I’ll never ever ever forgive her. My dad claims to love me but he loves her wah more and honeslty I just think of him as the biggest loser out there whk couldn’t protect his own daughter. And believe ne I was nowhere near being fat or ugly. Whenever we had guests over or we went to my cousins place, she would yell at me infront of everyone and even slapped me so many times. My brither is the most socially awkward and unpleasant person ever who nobody wants to be around. He’s never had a friend, all my tutors hated him. His teachers did and none of my cousins wanna be around him cuz of his mean and unpleasant personality. But my mom doesn’t say a word to him and lies to people to portray a good image of him even tho no one believes her. I’ve always gotten along with all my cousins and had friends and whag not. But she started butting in and made me distant from everyone in the family and friends. She would purposely tske my brother and cousins out while acting like she’s there age. And I’d be home alone. She told everyone I was sick in the head and talk nonsense and how she loves me so much and wants to save me but I’m a lonely mental girl. I used to have a soft spot for my dad but not anymore, he has never been there for me or stood up against her shit. He sees it all. But bever says a word when she’s there infact he has hit me himself just cuz she brainwashed him. She always portrayed me as someone with no sense kf style or someone who can’t carry herself while she thinks she’s diva herself which she isnt. She has always controlled whag I wear until recently when I literally pushed her out of my life. She would buy really cheap ugly and out of trend clothes for me, like once or twice a year but at other times she would give me her old clothes. And you know I never had a problem with this my entire life. I realized it recently whag she’d been doing to. Me and how she damaged me. I had my first bf on grade 11 and he was really hot. We dated for a long time nd she wouldn’t believe that I got a bf. She would tell me thag he doesn’t love me and guys just want girls who are easy. But things got serious and he eventually asked me to marry him when we were in college. My mom Couldnt digest it and asked me how come he’s okay with my looks and weight. He stood up for me and went like there’s nothing wrong with my weight or looks infact he’s lucky to be with someone like me. So many people notice how she wants to be the centre of attention and don’t let me get the spotlight. A lot of our family members even said this to her, they’re like you should try to let your daughter shine too she’s a young girk and Deserves it. You don’t need to be the centre of attention all the time. My mother comes up to me and twists eveyrhing up, tells me that people tell her that she needs to pay some attention to me, her ugly daughter cuz she herself is so beautiful and a diva but her daughter is so disappointing. I never understood why everyone would say the same thing to her. And how come no one says anything while I’m there. She destroyed my relationship with my only brother. I loved him tk deafh, still do. He had troubles making friends and I’d always involve him in our group activities and even asked sown of my guy friends ro involve him in their activities. Helped him through school, made his resume helped him get jobs and whag not. I was his only friend who he trusted but my mom ruined it. We don’t talk at all now. He doesn’t give a shit whikehethwr I die or not. And this is whag burts me the most. It kills me. I’m done crying over my mom, I fuckint hate her with all thag I hate and I hope she suffers till her last breathe. I will never ever ever forgive her and I hope she rots in hell. I never existed for her and she made sure I don’t exist for anyone. Took me away from everyone thag tried comign clsler. Never alllwed me to have friends at school. No one was allowed to come over. She made me feel bad about my body. When I got my first period she said the most disgusting things to me and would hit my breasts saying where have toh been whoring around Whyre they so big. I was fuckint 13 years old. Psychopath cunt. Who in the right mind hits their 3 year old kid with scissors on their head and burst open their head? She had no regret. I was so embarrassed if my existence my body my gender. I wasn’t sexually active until I turned 17 or 18 and even then I felt so much shame. Al cuz of this cunt. She cheated on my dad multiple times. First time I saw her with a guy was when I was a kid, prolly grade 1. My brother did too and he remembers. Ever since then she hits on every guy she comes across. Our family doctor stopped seeing her and blocked her cuz she wouldn’t hop off his dick. Tried sleeping with 2 of my dads friends, there must be mkre. I saw her making out with my dads brother years ago. There have been many people after that and just recently she tried chasing this guy who’s almost my age. She disgusts me. And lies to the entire world. I got zero respec for sympathy for her. Everytime she noticed rhag I made a new friend she would start bad mouthing her, this is all when I was in school. Elementary and highschool. And then wait for me to drop thag friendship but if I didn’t do that, she would always accuse us of something filthy like this one time she called me a lesbian. As a kid I wished she died or my dad divorced her cuz I started getting. Panic attacks. I’d randomly get anxiety ag school and I’d be worried about what she’s gonna beat me up for today when I go home. I’ve gotten beaten up for having red fingertips chz she’s like whag did you eat? I said I shared Cheeto’s with a friend and the cunt beat the fuck out of me. This one time she pulled. My hair with all her strtength for 5 mins straight and I was legit about to pass out due to all that pain. Her hands were full of my hair and everyone made fun of me at school calling me bald. She caught me touching myself once and humiliated me infront of everyone. And ever since then she would randomly come to my room at night and sometimes wake me
Uo from my sleep accusing me of. Masturbating and beating me up. Like I’d be sleeping. And she’d wake me up for no reason and start beating me up saying you were masturbating I saw toh. Ughhhh I’m filled with so much rage as I type this. I will never ever ever forgive her. I’m now 25 years old. I always wanted to please this cunt, thought if I lost weight maybe she’d start loving me and start being a mother to me. Even tho I didn’t need to. I have spent my entire life starving and not being fed enough food. And on top of that she’d force me to run on the treadmill and go to the gym with her while my brothers and cousins had fun at home. I fainted a few times at school cuz of lack of nutrition. I made the worst mistake of my life back in 2017 cuz I was sooo desperate to just be the skinniest bitch out there so thag she’d like me. I googled ways to lose weight fast and came across thjs post about methamphetamine ad weight loss. Took me a lot of courage and weeks of mixed thoughts but. Was desperate so I bought some. And yes my weight did go down real fast and I was at the top of the world for about a year and half after rhag. So much confidence, i was happy and losing weight. My mom initially gave me a thumbs up when she found out I’m trying to lose weight, so it was kinda like yeah good luck. But when she saw me lose weight and wearing good outfits and doing great at work. She wasn’t happy and was always coming up with shit to demotivate me. Still didn’t appreciate it. But later on meth made my life a hell and on top of that all this other trauma. Now my mom was happy cuz now she could tell everyone how I’m a pain in the ass but she loves
E and can’t abandon me so thag everyone thinks how great she is. Last few years have been a helllllllllllllllllllllllll. me a few friends who love me a lot and evehbodh else have a very good opinion of me. My brothers fiancé loves me so much and my mom can’t digest that. She has humiliated me infront of everyone, neighbours, tenants, our real estate agent saw me outside our door cuz this bitch kicked me out and didn’t even let me put on proper clothes or even sandals. I was bare feet. She does that cuz she wants me to feel worthless. I hope she dies the worst and most painful death ever. I have no one. I tried quitting and going clean for my bf from college who loved me and wanted to marry me. He was my biggest and only support system cuz he saw me all these years and loved me more than my mom or dad ever could. We spent 10 years together as a couple. I wanted to go clean for him cuz he meant eveyrhing to me and I was clean for 2 years. But he passed away in a plane crash in 2020. My life hasnt been the same I’m not the same and will never be. I desperately needed someone. Anyone. I was so desperate rhag j was seeking support from random people chz the pain was too much. I eben relapsed. I needed my mom or brither or dad. Idk what I’ve done to deserve all this. I’ve been portrayed as a psychopath ever since then and rhags all that I am. I don’t step out of my room, havent showered In 2 months. Have a huge infection on my leg for about a month and I don’t care about getting treated. Cuz I’m hoping maybe this will help me die sooner. Idc about quitting drugs cuz maybe one day I’ll overdose and find peace. I’ve achieved quite a lot throughout all these years and I know I’ll be leaving good memories behind for a lot of people. Made some meaningful relationships and I know I’ll be remembered in good words. But no one knows my pain. I’m always furious or sad and crying. Nothing else matters to me. I know some of my friends care but they got their families and priorities. Who the fuck o I have? I mnkw she can’t be a mother to me but why doesn’t she feel bad for me, like just show some basic human empathy? I didn’t do shjt to deserve this. But i will never forgive her. Not after I’m dead and I hope she suffers in this life and afterlife. I have never posted all this anywhere on social media and that’s why I’m hiding. My identity chz k don’t wanna be accused for being aam attention seeker. Or sympathy seeker. Don’t need any sympathy. Thags whag I’ve gotten my entire life from so many people but their sympathy doesn’t cure my pain. I don’t think I would ever wish death upon her but whenever her time is near, I hope she suffers. Meanwhile I’m trying to find ways to end my life, before the end of this year. That’s why I’m typing all this . Maybe I should have chosen a better platform but whatever, I had to let it out and have Atleast 1 person know my full story before I die. She never gave a fuck about me when I’m alive but a part of me hopes she cries and never forgives herself for mt death thag she caused. I want her to live with the pain. And I want the world to know what she did to me, nothing will make me change my mind cuz I’ve been thinking about it for almost a year but now I’m ready to go.
You didnt deserve any of the things your mother did what a horrible evil bitty. I hope you are okay and I’m so sorry for your loss. My mother has cost me the love of my life to and I’m also an addict . I’m 48 years old and she still runs my life daily. I dont think I’ll ever be happy she will make sure of it . I will inherit a substantial amount of property but the bitch has made sure it’s in such horrible shape that everyone will blame its failure on the druggie daughter not the evil bitch that caused it. I hope you find peace somehow. You are a good person and I hope you are still alive to read this .
I have recently stopped contact with my mother – told her I needed space and still I get texts of “think of you everyday” from time to time. While some may ask, what’s wrong with that? I know the text is a manipulative attempt to make me feel guilty. She can send this, but not face the elephant in the room of how she treated me as a childhood? Especially when I have confronted her with it? The “sweeping everything under the rug” method is absolutely toxic and I refuse to engage in it anymore. Why should I simulate that everything is okay? Where is the text that says, “let’s plan a time to talk about this, go to therapy together to tackle these issues, etc”. I realized I will never hear that because my mother wants a simulated relationship and nothing more.
Last year I had some major health problems. I was essentially told I would lose my eyesight in the near future if I didn’t undergo some expensive treatments. I’m in my early twenties, so it was very scary to hear that I could potentially go blind! In the past, I have supported my mother many times financially (something now I realize I was manipulated into doing). I told my mother this diagnosis I had received from the Doctor, and also how I would need help paying for the treatments. What was I told? “Sorry, I plan my finances a year in advance.” I was so hurt that a mother could just disregard her child that coldly, and especially when something as important as my vision was at risk. I know I will remember her saying that for the rest of my life, amongst the many other things she has put me through.
I hate this “norm” society has developed that parents can do no wrong, and YOU as the child are the one at fault for not “honouring” them. At the end of the day a bad person is a bad person, and it doesn’t matter the relationship to you. It’s not like they get to treat you however they choose simply just because they are your parent.
Anyways, I wanted to tell you as well this article helped me greatly, so thank you very much for taking the time to write it.
Kindest regards to everyone who has had a toxic parent,
Melanie
Hi Melanie,
you’re so welcome! 🙂
I think you’re right. Your mother probably doesn’t want to face the real issues in your relationship but it does sound like she just wants an appearance of a relationship. I think you taking this step to stop contact with her is very courageous. I know it’s not easy. There’s societal pressure that says “you only have one mother,” and there’s also the internal pressure of guilt and shame. They come and go. Stay strong and don’t feel like you owe your mom anything unless she is taking some real accountability for her actions.
Sincerely,
Lana
Melanie. I have a mother exactly the same. I wish I was still in my 20″s and faced her earlier. I’m now 49. This article may just save you a life of torment and hurt. I wish I’d realised I would never hear her say sorry, or acknowledge any of her behaviour. Lots of wasted years and time. Live free be happy and take care. I hope the very best your vision will be OK.
Hi Lana,
First let me say this is a very helpful list! I want to thank you for writing it. I am trying to seek some closure now for the horrible childhood I experienced. I don’t know where to begin with what both my parents did to me. To give you a basic idea, I was maybe 8 or 9 years old when I heard my mother threaten to kill herself while my father was threatening to leave us. This occurred right outside my bedroom door. I heard the pill bottle clinking around in her hand. But that literally is just one small thing out of the millions of others I have experienced. On top of that, I was also endlessly bullied by my older brother, where I suffered emotional and physical abuse. He would beat me up everyday before and after school. I haven’t spoken to my father in years (next year will be a decade). I have stopped contact with my brother a few years ago, and now this year, I have stopped contact with my mother. I can truly say I have never felt better after getting all those negative people out of my life. Life is too short to fill it with people that stress you out, and make you feel bad about yourself. Also, how one can abuse their own young, innocent child is something I will never (and don’t need to) understand.
Thanks again though, Lana. I wish you all the best.
Hi Katherine,
thank you for your kinds words and for sharing your story. It sounds like you’ve experienced multiple traumatic events in your childhood. Yet you’ve survived, became a decent person, and found the strength to disconnect from your toxic, abusive roots. I can only say that I am VERY PROUD OF YOU and that I support you in the decisions that you’ve made. Life is too short indeed. Enjoy your new-found freedom 🙂
Sincerely,
Lana
I would like right now my mom stopped talking to me permanently and stop making me dinner breakfast and lunch and no longer tell me anywhere she’s going and stop bringing my laundry to my room. And for her to return my bankcard to me and then permanently stay away from my room. I would like her to stay out of my room.
Hi Ms. Lana,
I truly want to thank you for allowing people like me insight to this very problem. I hate it for anyone having to go through something like this with any loved one. I was wondering if you have written any books on this subject?
I would be interested in this topic and I have an abusive husband, but we are separated for 4 years now, he still tries to emotionally and verbally abuse me. The physical abuse stopped a few years ago. I stood my ground. I even stand my ground somewhat now with him but we have a 14 yr old daughter so some things have to be let go by me when they shouldn’t. I have most definitely worked on the things with my mother and have almost gotten to the point of letting her be and I move on with my life. It’s been a hard long journey just to get here. And like you had said, I honestly felt like I was crazy on a daily basis and questioned myself repeatedly. Not so much anymore but it’s still creeps in here and there. I really needed this article and would like to know if you’ve written any books on the subjects I’ve mentioned? Please let me know when you have a moment. And thank you, truly from my heart to yours, thank you.
Hi Farrah,
your comment touched me. I don’t know you but I feel SO PROUD of you for the journey you’ve taken and all the progress you’ve made. Healing from abuse is not always linear. Sometimes we take a step back or circle around to the same issue. Don’t let it dissuade or discourage you! It doesn’t take away from how far you’ve come.
Concerning your question, it’s funny that you’ve asked because I just started working on a book about manipulative mothers. If you subscribe to receiving a newsletter once a month, you’ll be able to stay informed and be one of the first ones to know when it’s available.
Thanks so much for reading and for your kind words!
Sincerely,
Lana
All Grandparents or parents are not like you say. All the negatives things. Why not reply to something positive as well. There is to sides to every coin. Thank positive people give positive results.
I couldn’t agree more, Mary Johnson !!!
This article could have been written about my daughter. She does all of that and kicks me when I’m down. Turned friends and relatives against me. Ignored me at my mothers funeral because she thought I said something about her, lies about me, makes up stories, screams at me when I have detramental things happen to me. She uses my granddaughter telling me I can’t see her
I keep looking for articles on abusive adult daughters, all I find is abusive parents
I am sorry your going through this. She shouldn’t be treating you like this, but sadly parents with weak traits will be taken advantage of by their kids. However YES there are definitely Nchildren out there not only parents! My advice is to maintain boundaries with her like a child would do to a Nparent. There is no reason for her to talk to you in a demeaning way, you could always remind her to speak to you with respect and dignity as every parent deserves. If you start respectfully distancing yourself from her, you will protect yourself for starters and you will also show her that you are not by any means her emotional dumping grounds or target. I don’t know who you are but I felt sad for this story. I was subject to extreme abuse by my own mother as a child in horrible ways, I know how much it hurts to give loyalty trust and love to a person who is constantly demeaning our integrity and dignity. You are a human being first before you are a mom or grandmother, always know this. Your children’s image of you DOES NOT define you, you define you and you could be a very genuine person. Good luck, best of wishes
Hi Bianca,
adult children can be abusive as well. It’s possible to give everything to a child and still have them grow up cruel and selfish. However, it’s more common for adult children to act this way toward their parent when there is a difficult family history, childhood emotional abuse, neglect, etc. Sometimes calling a child “abusive” is easier than facing some of the ways you’ve failed as a parent. I’m not saying it’s your case, but it’s a likely possibility. If you truly believe that your daughter is toxic, manipulative, and abusive, you’d be wise to stop contact with her. However, if there’s a way you can understand where your daughter comes from, it’s possible to mend the relationship.
I can’t believe you actually attacked someone who told you there is no help out there for parents of narcissistic adult children. Science has proven that there is a biological or brain receptor working incorrectly to cause many of the narcissistic persons. This person writes in for support and you say well, not saying it’s your fault but maybe you should look at that.
That is just as much abuse on that person as is what they are experiencing from their narc adult child. I know, because I have that to me because I married a narc and this too because I was raised by a narc. Treated my children fairly but sadly bilological… they narc. I’m now in a nightmare in between all these narcs. It is sick and I’ve lost everything. I was a strong young woman and now that my adult daughter jumped in ….they all want to see me destroyed. I’m utterly exhausted. We need support not someone saying …well, maybe you should look into that, it’s your fault. Believe me, we who are at our ropes end because of the abuse have looked and studied into why this is happening. It is so evil. I don’t think you understand what you said.
You have no idea how liberating it is to have found this article. Just so you know, I’m male, 42, and this helped me.
thank you
This is a great article, but the title is horrible. I have this kind of mother exactly. Now as an adult this is the father of my children. He is toxic, manipulative and worst of all seeks every opportunity to drive a wedge between me and our children. Toxic parents don’t have a specific gender. Assigning a gender to parents capable of narcissistic abuse only furthers the current trend that fathers are taking advantage of maternal character assassination and playing up the victim role. Read the current trends in litigation where father’s use the parental alienation defense to win custody and even overcome sexual abuse allegations, essentially leaving children with their abusers. Stop tagging mothers as the issue. It is society and their click bate article titles that’s the biggest issue. Stay informed and neutral.
Hi Denise,
I appreciate your feedback. I don’t usually defend my writing – to each his own, and if someone doesn’t like something I wrote – that’s none of my business. But here I feel compelled to reassure you that there is no gender profiling on my website. Just like you can find books specifically about mothers (Terry Apter’s “Difficult Mothers” comes to mind), there are articles focused on mothers, and not parents in general. For one, there is a large audience of people who are looking for information on mothers specifically. Two, a number of things on the list apply more to women, in my opinion. Three, I also have articles about abusive fathers and grandfathers. My message is not that the mother is always the issue. What I try to do is educate people about every kind of abuse and empower them to stand up for themselves and their loved ones.
Kind regards,
Lana
In regards to some being upset the article is gender-specific, the article helped me, a daughter of a single mother and I appreciated it. Thank you
I’m 42 years old and was in denial for so long, but I have issues with co dependency and submission. Reading this, every single one sounds like my mother and all the problems that was caused in my family by this. I could go on, but I won’t. Thank you for this article. This answers a lot of questions why I am the way that I am.
Denial is powerful but the truth will set you free 🙂 You’re on a journey of self-discovery and maybe self-transformation. Keep going, Juniper! It’s never too late.
Lana
I have noticed quite a lot of 40+ people commenting. Is this coomon? Do many of us take years to get to this place?
*common
Hi Karen,
If you read this, is there a chance we could connect? I’m going through this, as well, at 38. My mother has actually helped campaign against me to other people and tells embellished stories and outright lies about me, to me, and expects me to go along with it. When I don’t, I just can’t most of the time anymore, I am treated like I’m doing something wrong in that very moment if I’m completely calm and collected.
I am soon to be 70 years old and I have never recovered from my
Moms control and abuses…. I will die in this pain… she has caused so much grief in my life any death will finally set me free…
I a: a very weak and under achieving person… I have always needed. Y mother’s love and I cannot overcome this hold she has on me..
It’s kind of amazing reading the bullet points, and matching them with real life examples I have encountered through my life. Number thirteen strikes a particularly strong cord. Over the years, of all the things she’s done, telling me that she didn’t love me or never loved me was definitely the most painful. If my siblings and I didn’t shape up, we were going to be sold into an orphanage. The first time I recall hearing that was around the age of eleven, and was in response to my acting out while waiting in line to see the live action version of 101 Dalmations. Don’t get me wrong; I was acting out and should have been disciplined. However, it never really felt like discipline. It just felt like a deep, profound sadness that I can’t adequately describe. It burned my young heart to ash.
There was sexual abuse as well, but it took many years before I found out that’s what it was. The tricky thing about it came down to the fact that it didn’t really look like sexual abuse to me. I’ve heard horrible stories about children being required to perform sexual acts, or other intensely disgusting things conducted by people who are supposed to protect them. My situation was made to look and feel more like a game so I was never able to fully recognize it. Plus, considering some of the horror that others children faced, I never felt like I had any room to complain. It was around the time that we reached the age of puberty that we would play this game where the idea was to depants whichever sibling was the target and basically humiliate the person just because they had pubic hair. This went on for quite a while. Even now, I feel like an idiot writing this because it just doesn’t feel like true sexual abuse. It just seems so silly to complain about it.
However, over the years I realized that this was just a part of the whole equation. When taken together with other events, it helps me to see that something was wrong. My father had this penchant for looking at porn, and my mother (rightfully so) was upset by this. The issue though, rears its ugly head when we were brought into these situations. At five years old, I recall helping my mom take my dad’s magazines and cut out pictures of the “naked ladies”. We pasted these pictures all over the condo: the fish tank, the walls, and even the Christmas tree. The memory, thankfully, stops with my dad opening the door and my thinking, “This is going to be bad.”
We were also made to feel disgusting about our bodies. Wanting sex was a horrible abomination and that it was evil. We were constantly told that all men are pigs and that the act of sex was basically evil; we were going to grow up and basically become monsters. I hated men, and I hated myself for being a boy. I wished so many times that I could grow up being a girl so that I didn’t disappoint my mom by becoming a sex fiend when I got older. This strongly ties into the withheld love that my mother was fond of abusing.
There were of course other, non sexual things that caused us a lot of problems, but there are just too many to recount. The important thing is that I wound up here because my mom is pulling the same crap again right now (yesterday). I almost fell for it too, but years of therapy have helped to establish boundaries which has made a difference. I am not immune though and fall prey sometimes to these manipulative schemes. The pain is still very much there, albeit somewhat dormant, but flares up from time to time.
I very much appreciated the article, and this idea that it’s okay to want to distance myself from this. All too often, people on the outside question the animosity between my mom and I. She’s my mom, and I only get one so I should be grateful. The other comment is that I will be deeply wounded when she’s gone so I should take the time to talk with her now. Your article reminded me that I’m not alone and that I’m not a failure. I thank you for that.
Also, please note that while my father didn’t feature very much here in my rant, he was not innocent either. He had been abusive towards us and quite frankly, my mom as well. The reason for the stronger feelings towards her is partially based on proximity. She was my primary caregiver and I often spent way more time with her.
Hi Anthony,
thank you for sharing your story. You are an amazing survivor who went through hell as a child but managed to carry on and grow from the experience. Whether it was sexual, physical or emotional abuse, it leaves you with deep scars. So as you said, “the pain is still very much there.” But don’t take it as a sign that you’re broken or can’t heal. Some form of pain will always be there as a reminder of what you went through, and of the strength you possess.
Wishing you well 🙂
Sincerely,
Lana
Anthony,
We have much in common with what we experienced growing up. I just wanted to tell you, I wish you all the best things in the world! Be proud of the man you became!
Kindest regards,
Juliette
I’m really sick of her.
Thanks for the article,i now understand some things.my mom calls me rude everytime I tell her things she did that I didnt like.she lies about me to people and tells me that I am using drugs and that I steal etc just because she doesnt want to face what she did to me years back.she also calls me crazy because I take depression pills.she tells me I am going to die and leave her with the kids because Im HIV positive.everything I do is wrong.even if I buy things for her or give her money she never appreciates anything.she is trying to get me fired at work,she told people I want her boyfriend.she laughs at my looks and also laughs at me because I have debts.she has also told lies to my neighbours my doctors,at churches just because I told people she made me have an abortion.she is ruining my life,i actually sometimes think I am crazy,its like she wants me to kill myself.I think she also hates me because dad left her before he died.he had engaged her and left her,now when she looks at me she sees my father.Only she knows but its so hard having a parent like this,it messes with your mind,i cant think straight.everyday she is up to something and she is enjoying making my life a living hell
Hi tdk,
you’re right, having a parent like this is very hard and it does mess with your mind to the point where you start doubting yourself at every turn. Know that you’re not crazy and your experience with her is real. It’s not your fault.
Lana
I’m crying right now, most of these things are what my mother does or makes me feel. I’m 14 and have no way to get away from her, she literally took my phone away because I DID MY WORK FOR CLASS. I have adhd and depression so sometimes it’s hard to do my class work and she doesn’t make it any better. Thanks for letting me share 🙂
Hi Luci,
14 is such an interesting and challenging age… it’s when you really need the support of your parents but it’s also when communicating with them is the hardest. When I was 14, I also dealt with depression and an abusive parent. But I’m here to tell you that it gets better. So much better! You’re a bright girl and you have a bright future. Don’t forget that 🙂 Have hope that everything will work out eventually. You have a lot on your plate and you’re handling it as well as to be expected. Don’t give up! Even if you have a manipulative or narcissistic mother, it doesn’t have to define you.
Sincerely,
Lana
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.
I am literally close to tears right now because in all my 23 years of being on this Earth, I never had a neatly, summed up package of who my Mom is and what a skewed experience it was being lived through by a narcissist. As an adult woman, I struggle with enforcing boundaries, guilt trips, ultimatums, hell, everything literally in this list. Like word for word. My mouth has been completely open this entire time. I am not crazy. My family members left me, the Scape Goat to fend for my self and figure out how to deal with her and I suffered *so* much. Either from not knowing how to navigate the world as an adult and doing normal adult tasks, to a crippling sense of imposters syndrome, anxiety, and insecurity. God you dont know what a breath of fresh air this article has been man. I’ll brb Im gonna go cry for 7 year old me.
Myself and my twin brother currently have a poor relationship because my mother triangulated between us for YEARS. whenever I had a problem with him, I’d ask her to talk to him about it, and finally I got to a point where I didn’t know anything about my brother and he doesn’t know anything about me anymore because we rarely speak. That ends NOW.
My mom did the same thing with my sister and I, we’re not in our mid 40’s and barely have a relationship but we’re starting to try, it’s a work in progress. I’m really happy for you that you discovered this in your 20’s. Sorry it happened at all but figuring it out early will save you a lot of wasted time and energy. I hope you and your brother are doing well.
I can completely empathise with you. I too almost cried reading this list – it all makes sense now. My mother has always been in control of me. I did the uni degree she wanted me to do and when I got the job she wanted me to get I become incredibly mentally ill because it was not what I wanted. When I told her I wanted to quit she complete manipulated me and made me feel like a failure and ungrateful. I am now severely mentally ill and she is still controlling me now. I have felt the severe sense of insecurity like I don’t even know who I am and what I want because my mum has always decided that for me. So I am glad I am not alone as well. Thank you Anaya for your courage to write your comment – it gave me the courage to say my story too. Xx
I’m in my late 40s and stuck living with my parents for various reasons, mostly because I was a single parent and was convinced to stay at home etc, I ended up with an illness that has massively affected my quality of life so despite my daughter now being adult and having left home I’m still stuck here. My parents are disabled and I do alot for them even though I’m suffering alot with my own pain. According to my mother I do nothing. She calls me nasty names and smashes my things up. I have nowhere to go and wish I was dead most of the time. Then just like that she’s trying to buy me things and acting so nice it gives me whiplash. She seems to be in a completely different reality to me, because she will relate incidents to relatives giving her version that makes her sound like a combination of a martyred saint and a poor victim, whilst portraying me as a terrible person, she will change just enough details and then swears that I’m making things up when I try to defend myself. Also historically she changes everything that ever happened, she even says she brought up my daughter as if I wasn’t there because I was working and paying her to childmind! If she bought anything for her grandchild as a treat or a present, without even asking me, she would then demand I pay for it so I was forever owing her money. And her comeback has permanently been, if you don’t like it get out of my house.
She did use to hit me when I was younger, now she threatens it and also calls me horrible nasty names. If I have any friends in my interests she will say I’m sleeping with anyone of the opposite sex, even elderly men! especially if they’re married, calling me a slut and other unpleasant things.I’ve put on a bit of weight (but so has she!) and she screams out about my “fat arse”.
She will ask me to do things and then when I do it she will start screaming that I’ve done something terrible by doing what she asked and blame me for anything and everything. I suffer with migraines most of the time, she is like an evil bad energy suffocating me.
I’m not well enough to live in my car, I don’t have anywhere to go and if I try to leave she won’t let me take my property. I really feel like I’m waiting for one of us to die. If my Dad goes first I’m not sure I can cope with just her.
She even makes me pay her rent to wait on her, do their meals, meds etc
I have a distant relationship with my daughter because quite frankly she was brainwashed by living with her as well into thinking I’m the devil. Everyone is scared of her and no matter what any of us do it’s never enough. Whenever she pisses anyone off she expects me to take her side and write letters of complaints etc. She’s so used to acting the Queen Bee in her house she gets shocked not to get her own way. Also she does an Oscar winning performance of the whole lovely little old lady with all her problems!
I’ve lost track of the number of times in my life she’s said “what are you here for” (she has actually said she had children to look after her in her old age)
My Brothers were always treated nicer, even though they left her years ago and don’t even keep in touch!
When I snapped and said I was going to kill myself, she told me to get on with it and said did I need any help.
I’m a nice, kind person. I’ve always felt that she hated me.
She was a spoilt only child who had a strange relationship with her own mother.
This article was like reading my life story. I just wish there was a cure!
@Downtrodden
I hope you can find a way to leave. Your situation sounds very difficult… My mom was in an abusive relationship for nearly thirty years and just recently got away. I know of many resources and people that will help, and I am here to help also in any way I can. You can get out. If your mother won’t let you take your things, a police officer can accompany you. And you don’t have to live in your car…there is help available. Please email me if you would like to talk further… [email protected]
Please don’t stay…you’ll be so happy you left. I understand if you don’t trust me, im just a stranger, but please find some way to get out. I’m here if you would like to contact me. Take care…
Hi Lana..I just came across this article..My mom raised me from 2yrs because my dad traveled n never came back…all through my growing up I always did everything I could to please my mom even if I didnt like to..I got married but my mom was controlling me while I was married..I ended up getting divorced n my kids n I now stays at my mothers place..I dont have control over my own kids..when I take a clothes to wear my mother will say it’s not okay..go n change that..I’m 33yrs old now..whenever I get angry n try to stand up for myself she will say I’m been rude..n then she will also say..” if u wanna leave you should put your kids in front of you”..I’m struggling to let go of the hurts i faced in my past marriage because my husband was abusive..my mom never seize to stop blaming me for marrying a man whom she sponsor financially..I’m stock..wanna leave but I’m financially stock..I got a job but the income is too low to carter for I n my three boys..what can I do??
i never realized that using her love and support was manipulation. i’ve always been good at not letting her manipulate me but i’ve realized how that she’s been doing it this whole time. i don’t even wanna be near her anymore but i’m too young to move out n i have nowhere else to go. one day i’ll move out n i will make sure to promise her that she’ll never manipulate me again as i walk out the door n never come back. her number will be blocked n contact will be cut off. i’m done w her.
It is so difficult for me to write this. I was searching online if i was the problem in my relationship with my mother, and run into this article. My mom is a great person, with a heart of gold but when it comes to our relationship we always had our problems. She always blames me for everything going wrong. Nothing is good for her, i could literally do everything and always there was something that needed to be done, job wasn’t done on time more likely on time my mom wanted to be done. Her words are very hurtful, calling ne names and cursing me since i was a little girl. When i got into a relationship she would come in my room and tell me to stop talking because just the idea that i am up at night makes her not to sleep. She accuses me that i am causing her health problems just because i spend time with my boyfriend. I don’t know what to do…lately I don’t hold my word back and i stand up for myself. I feel really bad. Can you advise me what to do… thank you!
HI Mary,
I think you should continue doing what you’re doing: standing up for yourself. I know it seems really confusing — your mom being such a great person (at least that’s what you believe) and also being emotionally abusive to you. All I can say is: she’s never going to change. She’ll never treat you differently unless you stand up for yourself. Also, the more you stand up for yourself, the stronger you’ll feel. However, you’re dealing with guilt as a result of challenging your mother.
Mary, you’re not doing anything wrong or disrespectful. Learning to stand up for yourself and set boundaries for how you want to be treated is a normal part of growing up. It feels wrong because you’re used to idolizing your mother. But it’s NOT wrong. You can still love and respect your mom. Just know that some of the ways she communicates with you are unhealthy.
Sincerely,
Lana
Mary,
Goodness girl.. you’re beautiful. I sympathize with you, and I feel you. My mother uses me as her punching bag whenever things go wrong. Or just in general. Please.. PLEASE remind yourself that it is NOT your fault. Don’t feel bad for sticking up for yourself. I’m sure she tells you you’re disrespecting her, or that you’re a horribly rude person for speaking your peace. But dear, you are your own individual being. You are perfectly entitled to stand your ground, to think differently, to have healthy space, and to be cherished. I am going through something similar and it is soooo important you to start to heal and focus on yourself now! Set boundaries, give yourself time for personal growth. May I ask how old you are? Contact me if you ever need someone to talk to! You are loved.
Im a 37 yr old Hispanic female that just got out of an abusive 13 yr relationship with a narcissistic man just 1 yr older than me. He had made me his rag doll and along with ME came our 2 precious kids. All those times (more than 21 times) that he just out of the blue left or would kick us out I’d go back home to my mothers. This is where I wasnt putting 2+2 together…… Living with my mother was HELL. In “her home” you aren’t allowed to store any food other than “her salvadorean leftovers” if you eat anything “she hasnt cooked” you are gonna feel the fury through her looks. “Her looks was all it took to know “she wasnt happy”. Just “being” made me feel guilty. My stepfather would always stay out of the picture. So she had TOTAL CONTROL. My first child is a boy and he is treated like a king and fed like a king and it would cause many arguments. She fed him and I got all the crap for his weight. My 2nd, a “girl” was lucky to have not been around her as much; as my daughter is reserved and “probably can spot hypocrisy”, well when my daughter was near her she would turn, yes literally “TURN HER HEAD AWAY!” And waited for my daughter to come to her. Well I would FORCE my daughter to say “hi” (this was an everyday thing when we lived with her) she finally one day said these hurtful words ” your daughter and I dont get along because we are of the “same character” MY DAUGHTER WAS ONLY 2 YRS OLD!!!!!!!! I always, ALWAYS AGREED AND WENT ALONG WITH HER LOGIC OF THINGS. OF EVERYTHING. IF I DISAGREED I WAS JUST PUT DOWN. Conversations usually ended with me walking away “CONFUSED” THE SAME WAY I FELT WITH MY EX HUSBAND. So this new years eve party I finally after yrs and yrs of “growing some balls” I told her over a phone call that I wasnt coming to her party and here I am. My cousin who was just turning 40 died of a heart attack Jan.30 2021 and im hearing it from all my family that life is short and “how come your mom is saying you dont love her?” Go apologize to her cuz she could die soon and then what would i do without a mother…..? A boring, no love ever, but only Shit talking and criticism was ever at these parties. I was done. I am done. My kids dont deserve a stressed our 37 yr old mother. Now suffering panic attacks. She was last over my place in Dec. And her last words to me were ” I wish I could’ve given your father the DAUGHTER he always wanted. Well every time I see my stepdad he calls me daughter and his hugs are more sincere than hers have EVER BEEN. My chiropractor is telling me I need to let her go. And work hard on myself to become independent and not have to count on her. But unfortunately I was under her control for as long as I know. And im trying to UNDERSTAND how can this be???????
Hi Karen,
this is a bewildering experience you’re going through, and I’m sorry you have to go through that. I have to say, I agree with your chiropractor. Take some time to process the pain and stay away from any unnecessary interactions with people who don’t act with love and support toward you. I like when you said: “My kids don’t deserve a stressed our 37 yr old mother.” That’s exactly right! Your kids deserve the best of you.
Wishing you peace, strength, and healing 🙏
Thanks for the great article, you describe my mother exactly. It’s taken me many years to figure this out but only with my own family growing up do I see what she was like with all her games. For us it’s now too late and I’ve cut off contact with her and her flying monkey. It’s actually liberating for me and I’ve found others in my life to affirm who I am and that I’m a good dad. Thank you and nice to see others comments along the same lines.
You’re so welcome Jerome! And it’s so great that you’ve been able to find support and actually feel validated as a parent after having such a challenging upbringing. All the best to you and your family!
Lana
I grew up wth a mother who to the world outside looking in was normal how ever, she had her favorite : my younger brother (there were only two of us children) . To start off with I belive that my mother named my younger brother after my father in an attempt to get him back as just after I was born my father seperated from my mother they continued to “see” each other and in due time my mother was pregnant again (5 months after my birth). I feel this was her first attempt to get my father back in a relationship by publicly shaming him remember thi9s is now 1961 and a father abandoning his pregnant wife and newborn son was looked upon with shame towards the father and pity for the mother. So when the time came for my brother to be born my mother named him after my father in an attempt to either get him back into a relationship or to further heap shame upon him in the publics eye. When this attempt failed she continuely bad mouthed my father which continues to this day encompassing that entire side of my family. Now during my formative years my mother and her side of the family dolting on my brother the clown/over achiver while I in my opinion assumed the role of the lost child. So natually my father having had more contact with me before the divorce made me his favored child but as this his visits got fewer and fewer as time went on the prestige of this role diminished accordingly and vertually vanished when in my 7th year (my brothers 6th) my mother decided to move from the coast in central california to anchorage alaska (mid 1960’s) Leaving my brother and I in the care of my grandmother (her mother) and driving up the al-can with the son of her theripst which Im sure was a further embaressment to my father.
The years in alaska were both good and though not bad werent idylic, my brother and I spent a lot of time alone after school and in the mornings because at this point my mother worked nights nursing at providence hospital so when she got home in the mornings and went to sleep it was before my brother and I woke up so when we did we had to be very quiet the same when we got home from school by this time the man she had driven up from Cali with had left to go back down to the lower 48. So my brother and I basically made our own meals and cleaned up as best we could. This narrative is taking way longer than I thoughtn it would
Hi,
I’ve been looking for articles about toxic mothers but this article just spoke to me. Everything that you wrote is what my mom is with me and my anxiety doesn’t let me cut her off completely because of the guilt. My mom is a great mom but when she gets mad…. wow ever since I am 10 I have received all kind of insults.
I hope I can keep going.
Hi Fiorella,
sorry for the delay in response, I somehow missed your comment. I know you’re conflicted. That’s what makes these family ties so confusing sometimes. It’s not black and white. Your mom may be a good mom at times. Maybe even a great mom. Or maybe that’s something you grew up believing. But when she gets mad…she becomes verbally and emotionally abusive. She can wound very deeply, can’t she? And yet you can’t either confront her or let her go because of the guilt. I can understand that. But how much more are you willing to tolerate? Do you believe you deserve such treatment? If your mom is really a great mom, she will care about how you feel. And if she doesn’t care, then maybe she’s not such a great mom, and you don’t have to feel so guilty. Makes sense?
Wishing you well,
Lana
Lana, what an insightful article and well articulated writing. I appreciate the work you put into this and your willingness to call these things out. I myself have had a journey of having a very narcissistic mother for many years. My dad raised me being a single parent and he did a very good job. My mother was very rarely in the picture by her own choices. Now my oldest daughter is fighting her own battle with her mom and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what to make of all of it. Now, with the help of your blog here, I can see here for what she chooses to be. My daughter is very close to being a legal adult and it seems her mother wants to hold her back and not do much to help her begin her life well. I do all I can, but right now mom holds all the cards. I was able to get my son out of her care when he was 10, he’s now 16 going on 17 and he sees her very differently than he has. I say nothing negative about my kids’ mom. I figure if my ex loses my children’s respect she won’t need help from me.
Thanks again for posting a fantastic article.
You’re so welcome Brad! Sorry it’s taken me all this time to reply. I agree with your approach. It’s best not to badmouth the mom. Your kids will see who is who eventually, and they’ll be grateful that you gave them the chance to make up their own minds.
Sincerely,
Lana
Recently divorced. Single mother of 2. Ex husband is a narcissist. Court papers say he thinks if himself “grandiose”. Trying to move forward and knowing I have quite amazing spirits but deep down something was still “hurting me”, pain deep in my body, my nerves was attacking me. I wondered, if he’s out of the picture why am I still feeling this?? Well my mother was over and I explained to her my feelings and she has her friend over to visit my kids. She calls me right away after leaving and says “she and her friend figured out what was wrong with me and they had come to the conclusion I was just CRAZY” I began putting 2+2 together and I realized SHE was putting me in corners every time I asked for help. I read this blog and I couldnt believe this!? I m 37 yrs old and my mother controls my very thoughts.. …….this frightens me and Ive been suffering panic attacks.
Thanks so much! What a fascinating blog. I’d love to know more about your training, medical background, certification and empirical narcissist research from which you’ve gained your insight into what constitutes a narcissist and toxic mother.
Thanks so much!
Hello Lyn,
if you’re implying that my blog is unscientific…well, it is a blog, not a medical journal. Nonetheless, all my articles are thoroughly researched and in fact, based on clinically recognized symptomatology.
Beyond that, I don’t feel the need to justify my right to write about these topics. If you don’t believe that my blog is up to your standards, you’re welcome to find alternate sources of information. Or I could recommend some books for you, if you like.
Best regards,
Lana
Thank you very much for this article.
I am 32 now but I was 21 when I started living on my own and around 15 when I started to support myself in terms of pocket money and later everything imaginable. I stood up to my mother (or both parents to be specific) on several occasions back then, but both being very young and still living under the same roof, every time I tried to do that properly and “manly”, I just simply broke down in tears and my voice trembled and I could not imagine what to say and what I was doing wrong.
I was pushed into the corner emotionally and verbally yesterday (after first living alone and then with my wife for more than 10 years now) and when she sensed that I am planning to reschedule my birthday party (because I take the pandemic precautions seriously and they mock it and recently were on a gathering of around 500 people) she exploded and started hurling vile, deeply evil and hurtful comments towards me, my wife and tried to project the picture, that it is she who is cutting the ties between us.
Guilt tripped me because of the cake she wanted to order and how me and my wife like everybody else except them. She gaslighted memories of my childhood and my recollections of their extreme obsession with politics and mocked me and pushed me into writing an email where I really did not hold much back. I wrote maybe more than I should have (or maybe this is just what she wants me to think to feel more guilty).
The main thing is, I did not break down to tears and apologizing. I feel pretty solid about that. She replied and told me “that she is sorry that she learned that what she thought was love was just an illusion…” 🙂 Imagine that. It makes me feel sorry for her, for them, for my brother that is still living with them and for the fact that 9 out of 10 red flag signs here are completely applicable (with a few more sophisticated ones devised by her or my father themselves).
It is great to be able to rearrange my thoughts, feel free and without an inexplicable stomach ache after a few years. Thank you for this article again, thank you for replying to the comments above. I guess now in lockdowns all over the world, these long closed boiling pots of emotions will pop every other day.
Be safe everyone. It does not matter how anyone wants to make you feel. What you genuinely feel matters.
Martin
Hi Martin,
thanks so much for telling your story. It’s inspiring to read that you were able to stand up to your mother and confront her about the way she treats you, and about your childhood. It’s not easy to do! You should be proud of yourself.
The relief you speak of – not to feel that “inexplicable stomach ache” – is your body letting go of tons of suppressed emotions and pain.
Of course, she’ll try to throw guilt at you. It’s peculiar how for women like that love is so closely related to control. They love what they can control. Guilt is the most controlling, manipulative emotion I know because it’s so erosive. It puts self-doubt in you when you’ve done nothing wrong.
But I know you can see through it, and she can’t manipulate you as easily as before. This is a new beginning for you. Good luck to you and your wife! Wishing you peace, health, and happiness 🙏
You have most likely heard this before, but it seems like you have studied my entire life. I thought I was crazy or did something wrong as far as my relationship with my mother. It is like therapy reading your article, because I now know what I am dealing with.
Thanks so much for your kind words 🙂 I never get tired of hearing that my articles helped someone see that they’re not crazy or wrong or too sensitive…Wishing you happiness, strength, and healing 🙏
Felt very relaxed after reading your article that such type of mothers do exist & I am not alone who is struggling with this problem.
The whole world of ours gets broken & ruined….you cannot understand what u have done wrong…even after spending hours & hours in Loneliness you just can’t figure out the mistake you have done.
Important point is the ‘politics & strategy’game she plays with your emotions…for ex : If You ask permission to join piano classes,she will not allow you…but if you insist very hard then she will play a game with you…She will make you to join the classes but neither will give you time to practise in classes nor will buy you a piano…after few weeks your interest will automatically vanish as you can’t keep pace with others & she will then justify herself that what she told was right.
Thank you again 🙏
Hi Ayaz,
I’m glad you found some solace in this article. You are certainly not alone 🙂 What you described is a great example of manipulation, yes. But the fact that you can see through it means you’ve come far and can’t be easily manipulated anymore. Keep up with your progress 🙂 🙏
Lana
I would appreciate it if you could write few sentences that are used while confrontation with this kind of mother, specific sentences that prevent me from end up crying and defending myself for things I can’t understand.
Nesreen…I wish there were some magic sentences that could do that. But if you’re dealing with a manipulative mother, she has an advantage. A huge advantage. She is your MOTHER. We’re vulnerable to our parents, no matter how much we try not to be.
That is not to say that there’s nothing you can do. You can change the narrative, and make it a story you can live with. For example, if you want to confront your mother about her behavior, you’d be wise to do so without expecting any particular outcome, i.e. her apologizing, seeing your side, etc. When you confront her, you do it FOR YOU. You do it because it will change YOU, not her. The more you stand up for yourself, be it with toxic people or not, the more connected you’ll feel to your own inner strength. And when you feel strong, you don’t feel like crying and defending yourself. So talk to your mother with sincerity, but also don’t expect her to validate you. Just speak your truth with a calm conviction. And whatever she throws back at you, you just stay calm and centered in your truth. That’s the most transformational and powerful thing you can do.
Lana
Thank you very much
your words really help.
I’m 22 years old and was brought up by my single mother. I live with her and grandma. I have been working after college since the past 1 year. Even during my childhood days they used to control me for everything. They wouldn’t let me go to a music class or a class tour because that would reduce my time at home. After I moved to a college at a far away place, I had to go home every week just because they wouldn’t let me continue my studies otherwise. This was my first time away from home and 4 years of college is when I enjoyed some freedom.
They want to control me at everything. They’re not happy with my career although I’m doing a very decent and sought after job where I earn pretty well. They have a problem if I’m on call with someone for over 10 minutes. They start murmuring post this. I stay with my classmate sharing an apartment at my place of work. She doesn’t want me to stay with him saying he’s a tough guy and you learnt to be tough from him. She yells and screams at me in the name of a girl who was my classmate 5 years ago stating that we’re having a secret relationship although I’ve got nothing to do with her now. I haven’t spoken to her in the recent past. She wants to blame all my friends for the change that happened to me from a kid to an adult. I would admit I changed a lot from when I was 17 years old. A lot of change in perception, a lot of change in the way I talk to people and I believe its natural for a person to change post adolescence. They are not ready to accept this and make me feel guilty for my career choice, place of work, friends and everything. My mother forcefully takes a 1/3rd of my salary and says she’s not happy with it. She blames me for saving money. She says I have alternate plans of marrying that girl and hence I’m saving for that. She even told me not to share my class assignments with her and I should obey her since she’s my mother. She even tried to pushed me into a bad career option just because this girl I mentioned about also happened to have her office at the same place as mine. She asked me to compromise on my career for their happiness.
I have experienced every single aspect mentioned in points 1-20 and I still don’t have a solid answer on why she does this. My hunch is that she wants to have control over me but honestly I’m not doing anything against her. I want to have my life, I also have aspirations. I have my dreams. I don’t want to follow their way of life.
I spoke to them about getting a therapy for me and they wanted to make me feel guilty about that as well stating that this is a drama I’m pulling off to make them scared.
Also in an Indian scenario, it’s a sin to speak against your parent even if they’re terribly wrong. The curse you every time you do it. They keep telling the people they know that “My son bit me back when he reached a position” and this story sells really well here.
Any thoughts on how to go forward would be helpful.
Thanks !
Lal,
from what I understand, you’re dealing with a controlling/manipulative mother as well as a grandmother, and you’re also up against the culture that rewards people, especially women, for being obedient to their parents no matter what.
This is tricky, I’m not going to lie. I was born into a similar culture, and it was very hard for me to live there. I ended up immigrating to the United States so I can actually live my life.
I’m not saying this is the answer in your case. My point is, any emancipation begins with YOU. It begins in your mind — in how you think of yourself, and how you let other people treat you.
You’ve already accomplished a lot in your short, young life, and you should be proud of yourself! No one has the right to judge you, or to control you. But I guess it’s the way of life for some people. So you have to learn to be around them without letting them affect you. Like you said, you have your own dreams and aspirations. You are your own unique, beautiful, intelligent person. With age, you will become even better and stronger.
Just don’t let them dim your light.
Lana
Do you have any advice on how to move away from parents and be financially stable? My mother sabotaged my college career by not helping with any college stuff and I was completely naive and confused on the college process. So now I’m stuck going to a community college and I have to live here with her for one more year until I get my stuff together this year. She only helped my cousin with her college career and even set time to help her with anything she wanted. ( btw My mother was a high school teacher for 10 years and knows everything about testing and how to apply to colleges but she refused to help me) How do I confidently move away from my mother who makes it hard for me to leave and also threatens to kick me out if I don’t do what she says? Also I don’t think I can get a good job because she refuses to let me have a car because she says her insurance will go up. No, I dont have any immediate family because they all side with her and everyone believes I’m the problem. So I can’t stay with them. Any advice?
Hi Asia,
I’m afraid financial independence is a little beyond the scope of this blog.
But I can tell you this: becoming independent from your mother starts in your mind. While you still believe you need her for this and that, it’ll be hard for you to emancipate yourself. Start believing in yourself, and in your own capabilities. Research the college application process: you don’t need your mother for that. Set your mind on what you want in your life, and work towards it, little by little, every day. Believe you can, and you will!
In the meantime, maybe you can look into some online jobs, they don’t require a car.
Good luck!
Lana
I am alive, well & realizing, that I was under the influence of my Mother, a certain ( Mrs. Cecilia Lucy Teresa Ernest-Michael), I have read the 20 Heartbreaking Signs Of A Manipulative Mother, with a majority of them checking on my Mother’s Character Traits & Classic Self. My Mother has for the longest time been a control freak, manipulative, breeding gossip, passing judgement, breeding animosity, passing judgement, an attention seeker, a religious freak, a bossy attitude, abusive, breeds hatred, limits freedom, forces relationship, nosy, envious, lacks decorum, disrespectful, lacks modesty, jealous, knows it all attitude, insecure, opinionated, selfish, insecure, inquisitive, clean freak & thrives on divide & conquer rule. I have lost a normal mother-son relationship, she’s tore my late father’s certificates to hurt me, burnt my late paternal uncle military pictures, stolen my own personal handwritten notes, stole my handwritten social media passwords, stolen my underwear, stolen my late fathers pictures, she’s really a pain in the ass, I wouldn’t feel moved If she died, right about now, she’s invade my privacy, burnt a whole pack of condoms, read my private whatsapp chats, even arranged for me a marriage suitor for me (35 years old) yet I am (28 years old), put down my current girlfriend & fiancee, that her skin is sickly, she even suggested, I should look for a work, near my Hometown. I am seeking a Family Therapist, to help me heal, I ascribed all my reservations to God about my Mother, God assured me he will mother me.
I had a very manipulative mother. I loved her and after y dad’s death continued to take care of her. She had multiple system involvement. I got her the most costly treatment and even nursed her when she was bed-ridden. I left my career to take care of her. She used to only have words of abuse for me, no gratefulness, and a tendency to dominate and control me. The sad part is that I did not realize things when she was alive. Her innocent face and play a victim card blinded me. But now at the end of it all, I feel cheated. We are thought to respect our mother but many times they do not deserve that respect. So please think before you go the blind way of loving her…..
Mariam,
I hear you…There’s pain in your words when you say “I feel cheated.” It’s hard. Sometimes it’s even harder after the parent passes away, and we are left with the pain, the guilt, and the anger. As difficult as it is, try to forgive her…That’s the only way to unchain yourself from the burden of that pain.
Sincerely,
Lana <3
I guess you are never a mother yourself. What you have are theoretical and imaginary scenarios of parent-children relationship. No mother wants to manipulate her children for the sake of manipulation/control. What are the points of doing this? You solutions sound from an immature child. This is toxic to children and to a healthy relationship between a mother and a child. You are not doing a job that a “psychologist” should do to forester a healthy family relationship but to promote rebellion and put those having problems with parents onto a dangerous path.
That sounds like my abusive mother taking. Only she knows what is right and best. No doctor or therapist could possibly understand. No, only she knows what is best for me and she is always right.
Lived with that my entire life.
Well done, written by a true manipulative loon. Literally none of these things are healthy or normal. It is not normal to gaslight your children, it is not normal to cry “OH POOR ME” when someone sets boundaries and lie to all your family members about your own children because you didn’t get exactly what you wanted, it is not normal to try to live through your children, it is not normal to constantly lie and send your flying monkeys to make your kids apologize because you refuse to own up to your own actions.
If you genuinely think any of these things are normal, seek mental help.
To Linzhi,
You don’t have any Idea of what you are talking about.
You should read something else that makes up your mind.
So simple.
This article is right on point. My mom’s sick, she’s been fighting cancer for over three years now. I’m her caretaker, no one else helps me at home to take care of her or the house. I’ve been obliged to fulfill every requirement of a housekeeper and whatever means taking care of her. I’m exhausted. I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and she says I made it up even though there’s a medical report on it. Two years ago I got dengue and she said it was my fault, that I wanted to get attention from everyone since all eyes were on her. I can go on with things she always says to me and later denies. Tonight I had another fight and she tried to avoid confrontation. Whenever I bring out true facts, she starts making noises louder than my voice or start saying: “Don’t yell at me” even when I’m not yelling. She’s never celebrated any accomplishment. Whenever I got “A’s” she never congratulated me, she only said that it was my job to get them because I didn’t do anything else. I haven’t been able to graduate from college and she criticized that I quit a project where I was being taken for granted. She’s happy that I’m single, she loves a former guy I used to go out with and my relationship with him hasn’t been the best. She still insists that I end up with him. She doesn’t encourages me to go after what I want or my goals. She never has. I don’t know what kind of game she’s playing. She must know that I’m the only person who actually gives a d4mn about her because her family ignores her. They don’t believe she’s sick, they also hate me.
I don’t know what else to do.
Thank you for replying, I appreciate it very much,
I understand, I wholeheartedly understand the importance of healthy habits and limits. Not to detract from your positive message, at the same time I suppose i am grateful for any guilt I feel. Reminds me of the goodness inside all of us. Like a compass guiding us to make the right decisions.
I suppose what I was trying to highlight and realize myself is that perhaps my mother can not help acting any other way. Due to physiological reasons/Chemical imbalances caused by genetics/stress or hardships she has faced. An illness of sorts so to speak. Being the one able to see the error in her ways, I just wonder maybe I can be a bit stronger and learn to not let it effect me, as you have mentioned in your article. In truth I cant blame her if it is in fact something out of her control. Maybe something that can be addressed with some help. Myself being someone who has struggled with anxiety disorders I know, with much sadness, the confusion and turmoil it brings and how at times has impaired my better judgement. I suppose for myself I wished at times people would understand that it is not really me that caused my deficiencies.
I like to remember time to time a story I had read once. It is about a monk who sees a scorpion drowning in a river. He tries to save the scorpion, but the scorpion stings him. After multiple attempts, and at each attempt at trying to save the scorpion the monk is in turn stung by the scorpion. A passer by notices this and asks the monk “why are you trying to save the scorpion when all it does is sting you”. The monks response was that, “just as it is in the scorpions nature to sting, it is in my nature to save”. Thought I would bring it up and share it as it resonates within me regarding what I am going through and how perhaps I do not need to retaliate by being hurtful and instead continue to show patience.
Thank you for sharing your article, it is very helpful and addresses an important issue that many are going through. I understand its immense importance and the immense importance of establishing healthy habits and limits. I appreciate it very much, It is something that i have learned from as without a doubt it has been for many others.
All the best,
Pilgrim,
I see your point, and very much appreciate it. I have nothing but respect for it. And you’re right – your mother probably can’t help the way she is, especially if she’s at an advanced age. You’d be wise to have lots of patience with her and not take things personally.
Thank you for sharing your story 🙂
All the best to you as well,
Lana
Had an argument with my mother, instigated on this occasion by standing up for how I would like to be spoken to, which in turn led to stumbling across this article. After reading it, sadly I can relate to several if not all of the mentioned points, some partially, some to the Tee. I just wonder, despite all the flaws I point out in my mother, I know she has done more for me than anyone else in the world. To almost super human levels of commitment. Raising us kids, providing for us, and never letting us feel wanting for anything. I can see she has been through a lot and life has taken a toll on her, from unfair marital problems, to working tirelessly her whole life to provide for her family. I have noticed with time the pressure weighing down on her and in turn her emotional stability and demeanor worsening. I just wonder, convenient now that I am able to care for myself I choose to abandon and disregard everything she did for me when i was a child. I’m sure she put up with a lot worse from us as children including all the points mentioned in this list, and yet did not abandon us. The pain of bearing a child in its own, should earn her undying patience from my part. Guess that’s the way of life, first we act like children and when we get older the parents start acting like the children. I’m going to make a conscious effort from now on to show more patience towards my mother. Show more understanding towards her, she deserves that much at least. Hopefully my own kids will do the same for me when the time comes. My experience might not be the same as everyone. And I do not know the difficulties others might have faced. I know this much without a doubt, to never give up on family, even if the fail you, even if they hurt you, whoever is right or wrong, family comes first.
Pilgrim,
I admire your understanding and compassion. And you’re right, mothers deserve our love, respect and patience. Even manipulative mothers, I suppose.
But I sense that your message is a little guilt-inspired. You confronted you mother about the way she speaks to you, and now you feel guilty about it.
For what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing. Just because you stood up to your mother doesn’t mean you don’t love or respect her, or that you’re ungrateful for everything she’d done for you. See, that’s the thing about growing up with a manipulative mother: you’re conditioned to feel guilty every time you challenge her in any way.
She deserves your respect; fine. But so do you. You deserve to be treated fairly, and spoken to in a kind manner.
If you ask me, you don’t need undying patience. You need less guilt.
Hi ,
THis happen each and ever day to me in my home .Ether I did all household stuff and
even working still faces humilation disrespect ever word that start with dis .she do that but the nice part is even My father he is exactly same as my mother
or more then her ,it is a mass leaving here I don’t know for how many more days I wiill make myself leave like this or I have to end life
This article lists all of my mother’s traits. I’ve never seen one which lists so many. She’s elderly now, but still has control (despite the fact I live 8 hours drive away). It’s the denial of things that happened, the guilt and the nasty comments, followed by “it was just a joke, don’t take it that way” or “I wouldn’t do that, it’s not in my nature”….the last one following her getting annoyed that I sent my dad a couple of photos of my daughter instead of her. Despite her getting them usually. We want to move back to the village she lives in, because it would be a nice life for our family….but her being there worries me. Exposing my daughter to that manipulation.
Growing up she could be violent to my dad. But would say to people it’s the other way round. She tells people she’s got a quiet sweet nature, but they didn’t see what I did growing up. She knits for people and sends them cards and small gifts. It all seems thoughtful….but that’s not the reality. She cut my dad off from his family. If she finds out I’ve been in contact with them, she bombards me with missed calls. You end up not seeing them for a quiet life. On my daughters first birthday, she created such a fuss about her sore hip it ended up being about her.
WOW. I am so happy to have found this blog. It took me 53 years to realize I have a narcissist mother. I thought it was me. Something was wrong with me for all these years. I am an only child and my mom always sabotaged me. She would play the victim and try to turn people against me. Even my own father. He passed last year and we were not on speaking terms. Now she lives with my husband and myself and what a nightmare. She is now trying to turn my husband against me. She is a pathological liar and lies about everything. She’s also addicted to prescription pain pills. I just tried to set boundaries with her this past Sunday. I told her I wasn’t going to beg her to love me. It’s up to her if she wanted a relationship with me. She doesn’t love or respect me enough to tell me the truth. She then attempted to commit suicide by overdosing on her pain pills. She was hospitalized and is currently in the ICU. She told the staff at the hospital it was an accidental overdose. When I went to see her in ICU she told me she took her pills with the intention to kill herself because I made her feel like she was a burden to me and I no longer wanted her in my home. I felt so guilty. I am so THANKFUL I found this blog. My mom has 19/20 signs. What an eye opener. We are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my dads passing. I suspect she will do it again. For whatever reason, she wants to do this in my home to have me live with the guilt for the rest of my life.
Rebecca,
it’s shocking that someone – let alone your own mother – would go to such lengths to instill a sense of guilt in you. It’s definitely very manipulative and even malicious. Just know that whatever your mom chooses to do with her life – it’s her choice and she will bear the ultimate responsibility for it. Even if she did try to kill herself, it’s not your fault! But I doubt that her intent was suicide. People who want to end their lives don’t come back to tell their family: it was because of you. The fact that she told her own child that she’s the reason for a suicide attempt shows that it was a manipulation to begin with, and that she is a very unwell person.
I think now that you understand more, it will be somewhat easier on you. And I liked how you set your boundaries and said that it’s up to her if she wanted a relationship with you. That’s a perfect way to put it. The relationship is not implied just because you’re related. It’s up to her. She needs to treat you with kindness and respect if she wants a relationship with you.
Lana
I am the second youngest of 4 siblings and the only girl, 3 boys, my mother always said she hated me n nothing i did was good enuff , i started working at 11yo waitressing in a chinese restaurant n working in a deli on weekends n after school , n if i wasn’t there i would come home from school with a big list on the bench to clean a 2 story house n cook n if the house wasnt up to her standard she would drag me out of bed around midnight when she came home from work n make me do it again….she was a monster, but the boys where the Apple of her eye…I coped so much from her n I have stood up to her when i have got older,with her lies,deciet,nastiness, she is the devil…my aunty n uncle only told me 15 years ago that my nan who i loved so much, wanted to take me away from her daughter cause she hated the way I got treated n I so wished she had of….there is so much more to tell n wat I suffer with, i tried to kill myself when I was an alchoholic in my early 30s, I had no support at all from her or my brothers…i was on my own wanting help n all I got was kicked in the guts…
Kerry,
what a heartbreaking story…it’s inconceivable that a mother would treat her own child that way. I know emotional abuse isn’t as recognized as physical or sexual abuse, but it’s just as harmful to a child. I know you’ve suffered so much, and you did nothing to deserve it. I hope you’re able to heal and move on and to leave all of this behind you…You’re a beautiful soul, and an abusive mother can never destroy that.
Lana
I want my mom to no longer be talking to me and I want her to stay out of the basement she comes in the basement just so she can irritate me
What action should be taken and how to manage the situation when all they do is shifting the blame to other people. It is the art of Ate and Bayaw have perfected. No consideration of the effects that may have on people