For most mothers, a child’s success, fortune, or good looks are a source of pride and joy. But in narcissistic mothers, it arouses envy and resentment because they see their children, particularly their daughters, as competition. This article discusses why narcissistic mothers are jealous of their daughters.

Did you know that in the original version of Snow White, the evil queen was actually Snow White’s biological mother? 

As the story goes, the queen pricked her finger while sewing. Three drops of blood fell on the snow. The red on the white looked so beautiful that she thought to herself, “If only I had a child with skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony.”

Her wish came true. She had a lovely daughter. But the aging queen mother became jealous of her own offspring and set out to kill her.

It’s not clear why the Grimm brothers decided to change the mother character to the stepmother.

Perhaps, the evil stepmother was a more familiar villain.

Or, perhaps, there is something unbearable about the idea that your own mother can hate you, be jealous of you, or try to destroy you.

You can comprehend that a woman who isn’t biologically related to you doesn’t have that maternal bond with you. But who can comprehend a mother who sees her own child as an enemy and a competition?

Although this scenario is too frightening for a children’s fairytale, it is, in fact, a reality for daughters of narcissistic mothers.

To understand why a narcissistic mother is often jealous of her daughter, let’s look at what narcissism is.

What is Narcissism?

Narcissism (or narcissistic personality disorder – NPD), is a pattern of self-centered thinking and behavior characterized by a craving for attention and a lack of empathy for others.

It’s not always pathological. A healthy form of narcissism is simply self-love and a natural human need to be noticed and appreciated.

For example, you might enjoy the attention you get when you wear a flattering dress. Or you cook a delicious meal and you want people to notice and compliment you.

But when it comes to narcissism in a pathological form, the traits of self-centeredness and a need for recognition become extreme and even dangerous.

For example, a narcissistic mother is irrationally jealous of her daughter, so she’ll try to sabotage her and even harm her to be reassured of her superiority.

To be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder, a person must have five or more of the following symptoms:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• A belief that one is special and can only be understood by other exceptional people
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
• Exploitation of others
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
• Arrogance.

Most people who meet a clinical definition of NPD are men. They are some of the most callous and abusive individuals you’ll ever meet, and you’d be wise to stay away from them and the games they play.

But a narcissistic mother poses a more serious threat. Her potential for harm is greater because of her proximity to her child or children.

The Two Types of Narcissism

There are different ways to categorize narcissists. But in the broadest sense, they usually fall into two groups: grandiose and vulnerable narcissists.

Grandiose (or overt) narcissists enjoy being the center of attention, believe in their uniqueness and superiority, and feel entitled to the best things in life. This is your typical “egomaniacs” and arrogant know-it-alls.

Vulnerable (or covert) narcissists are much more subtle about those same needs and beliefs. They are torn by contradictions. On the one hand, they believe in their superiority over others. On the other hand, they are plagued by feelings of worthlessness, inferiority, shame, and fear of criticism.

So they prefer to stay “behind the scenes” and play the victim or the martyr.

A narcissistic mother is more likely to be the covert type.

Growing Up With a Narcissistic Mother

You could say that having a narcissistic mother is like growing up in a cult. In that dysfunctional family structure, the mother is a cult leader and everyone else is meant to be the mindless followers who worship her like a goddess and constantly reflect her greatness back to her.

In that sense, a narcissistic mother feels entitled to her child’s eternal gratitude and adoration. Not only that, she often expects piety and devotion usually reserved for deities.

This is problematic on many levels (and quite frankly, in any relationship).

But in a mother-child relationship, this can be downright traumatic because the child feels almost annihilated and suffocated by her mother’s enormous need for attention and idealization.

All children go through a narcissistic phase — once in early childhood, and then again in adolescence. Freud called this “primary narcissism” — or a young child’s focus on the self. In that sense, all children are born “narcissistic.”

By age 6, most are emotionally developed enough to consider other people’s needs. So the trait of narcissism becomes balanced by empathy and self-control.

However, a child with a narcissistic mother is denied this normal developmental process. The juxtaposition of their natural narcissistic needs against the mother’s pathological narcissistic needs means that the mother always wins.

Narcissistic Mother’s Double Message

Narcissistic mothers defy logic because they demand two different, conflicting things from their children.

On the one hand, a narcissistic mother sees her children as extensions of herself. So they have to be brilliant, talented, exceptionally beautiful, etc.

In other words, her kids have to “shine” and be the best at everything so that the mother can feel assured of her own exceptionalism and superiority.

As Terry Apter writes in her book Difficult Mothers, narcissistic mothers “demand that their children mirror them at twice their natural size and reflect a reassuring, flattering, aggrandizing image.”

For example, the Evil Queen wished for the most beautiful child. Shows like “Toddlers in Tiaras” prove that that impulse is still alive and well. There are hordes of insecure narcissistic women out there whose self-esteem is wrapped up in their child’s appearance.

And it doesn’t have to be tiaras. As long as the child is exceptional in some way, the narcissistic ego is satiated. There’s nothing more wounding to a narcissist than mediocrity.

At the same time, the child can’t shine too brightly, so as not to “outshine” the mother. They have to be careful not to step on the mother’s toes, always put her on a pedestal, prioritize her needs, and never question her judgment or actions.

The slightest whiff of rebellion or defiance – and the child will feel the chilling cold of the mother’s rejection.

Those two conflicting messages — be perfect but remember that you’re a pile of garbage — take a tremendous toll on the child’s self-esteem and self-image. She has to walk a thin line between excellence and self-deprecation. One wrong move — and she falls into an abyss of shame and despair.

How Narcissistic Mothers Affect Their Daughters

In many cases, a daughter of a narcissistic mother will apply extraordinary effort to please her mother. But her attempts will prove unsuccessful. Why?

Because the game is rigged. The mother’s inner emptiness can never be filled. Momentary satisfaction after the daughter manages to do just the right thing will quickly turn into familiar criticism and contempt.

So from the very beginning, narcissistic mothers set their daughters up to fail because they teach them that nothing they do is ever good enough.

That translates to “I am unworthy” and “I’m not good enough” beliefs that will sabotage these women’s careers, relationships, mental health, etc. for years to come.

Until they decide to confront these beliefs and change them.

That kind of transformation takes enormous courage and commitment, not to mention thousands of dollars worth of therapy. It also involves confronting the mother about the negative impact she had on her daughter’s self-image or at least acknowledging it.

However, the mother is usually in complete denial about her part in her daughter’s struggles. She may even be offended by the very idea that she did anything wrong as a parent. For the most part, narcissistic mothers are blissfully ignorant of the havoc they wrecked on their daughters’ lives.

Not only that, daughters of narcissistic mothers often develop a highly critical inner voice and suffer from “the imposter syndrome.” In other words, deep down they believe they’re “fake” or undeserving of any success or accolades they receive.

Because their mother always felt threatened by their accomplishments, they are flooded by anxiety whenever they come close to success.

This is especially true if the daughter played the role of the “scapegoat” in the family.

Why Narcissistic Mothers Are Jealous of Their Daughters

Why would a mother be jealous of her child? Isn’t the mother supposed to love her child unconditionally, infinitely, and selflessly?

As bizarre as the idea of seeing your child as competition may be, many daughters of narcissistic mothers experienced it their whole lives. Here are some reasons for it.

1. Pathological need for attention

In dysfunctional families where one parent is a narcissist and another one is an enabler, the narcissistic parent has a monopoly on everyone’s attention and sympathy.

She can’t allow anyone — including her children — into her spotlight even for a moment. They also can’t complain because she has cornered the market on that, too.

• Feeling tired? Shut your mouth. I work my fingers to the bone every day to feed you.
• Sad or upset? I don’t want to hear it. I cry myself to sleep every night.
• Need new clothes? I haven’t bought myself anything new since 1996.

It can even get to the point of impropriety — for example, when a narcissistic mother flirts with or tries to seduce her daughter’s boyfriends.

2. Self-loathing

She may appear confident and self-assured, but on the inside, a narcissist feels worthless and on the verge of collapse. To survive this state of being, a narcissistic mother “unloads” some of her self-loathing on her daughter.

As Apter writes, “Since a narcissistic parent is likely to feel empty herself, she may try to make others feel even more inadequate.”

In other words, to feel assured of her superiority, the mother has to make sure that her daughter is inferior. And how do you make someone feel inferior? You convince them that they’re inadequate and worthless.

That’s often achieved by demanding perfection from her daughter, constant criticism, guilt-tripping, etc. The message seems to be: “You’re a disappointment to me.”

No matter how hard the daughter tries to make her mother proud, the mother is never satisfied. The deeper reason for that is that narcissistic mothers feel jealous of their daughters, so they try to bring them down a notch.

3. Negative gender projection

Both genders can be affected by narcissistic mothers.

But Terry Apter says that the daughter is more likely to be the target of the mother’s jealousy and insecurity because she’s the same gender as the mother, so “she receives the projection of a mother’s underlying feelings.”

Going back to the Evil Queen, she wanted to be “the fairest of them all” — meaning, all the women of the land. Finding out that her stepdaughter (or daughter, in the original version) was more beautiful than she made her mad with envy.

Gender also plays a role because of cultural programming. Women are taught to compete with other women for male attention, professional advancement, and social status. This programming derives from the idea of limited resources — “All good men are taken,” “There are only a few spots at the top,” etc.

A narcissistic mother embodies this cultural message and adds to it with her own twisted need to be numero uno.

4. Failed or unrealized ambitions

A narcissistic mother who’s jealous of her daughter’s success often has her own unrealized or failed ambitions that she can’t let go of. Seeing her daughter do what she couldn’t do and have what she didn’t have fills her with envy, even if she can never admit it.

Instead of rejoicing in her daughter’s achievement, she’ll try to find the negatives in it, make fun of it, or minimize it.

She may say something like: “Oh it’s not that big of a deal. Stop showing off, it’s unattractive.” Or she’ll say: “You’re getting a big head.” She may even come down with a headache or some other sudden affliction.

A narcissistic mother thinks she’s being a good mother by keeping her daughter humble. But in reality, she’s filled with jealousy and resentment, and she covers it up by faking illness or concern.

Final Thoughts: Can Narcissistic Mothers Be Good Parents to Their Daughters?

Although a narcissistic mother has her moments, she is incapable of being a good mother in the long run.

A good mother is responsive to her children’s needs.

A narcissistic mother can’t truly see her children, let alone respond to their needs. They are not living, breathing individuals to her. They are more like inanimate clay that she has to mold into what she believes they should be.

It applies to all her children, but especially to her daughters because she identifies with them more.

A narcissistic mother wants her daughter to be the perfect embodiment of a good child. But at the same time, when the daughter is happy or successful, the mother turns jealous and resentful.

Her envy of her daughter is not something she’s aware of or can ever admit. In fact, in her eyes, her maternal qualities are beyond reproach. She is convinced that everything she does is in her daughter’s best interests.

But her daughter’s experience is quite different. Her mother’s constant criticism and discontent are deeply wounding.

It may take her years or even decades to realize that it had nothing to do with her. Beneath that derision lay the bitter jealousy of a miserable woman who felt threatened by her child’s joy.

References

Apter, T. (2012). Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power. W.W. Norton & Company.

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