Did you grow up with a narcissistic mother and an enabler father? If so, you probably have conflicting feelings about him.
On the one hand, you feel a certain closeness and even sympathy for him. After all, narcissists are incapable of healthy relationships, so they’re often abusive to their spouses as well as their children.
But on the other hand, you can’t reconcile that your father didn’t protect you from your narcissistic mother. Perhaps, he even encouraged the abuse.
You may be wondering: does that make him an abuser, too, or just another victim?
To answer that question, let’s first look at the dynamics of a narcissistic family system where one parent is a narcissist and another one is an enabler.
What is a narcissistic family system?
A narcissistic family system is a dysfunctional family unit where at least one primary caregiver is narcissistic and where family members play unspoken but strictly defined roles.
In such a system, there’s
- a narcissist (usually a parent) who dominates the other family members in overt and covert ways and expects everyone’s blind adulation and obedience
- an enabler (usually the other parent) who sides with the narcissist and upholds the status quo
- a golden child who mirrors the narcissist’s idealized self-image
- a scapegoat who is the family’s designated “problem child.”
Although the roles are distinct, they can shift over time. For example, a golden child can become a scapegoat and vice versa.
They can also extend beyond the nuclear family. For example, a narcissist in charge could be the grandparent. Or — like in the family I know — both children are scapegoats and the beloved niece is the idealized “golden child.”
As you can see, a narcissistic family system can include any number of players, but the basic structure is the same: the narcissist is at the top of the pyramid, dictating the rules and using emotionally manipulative tactics to keep everyone in line.
In that sense, everyone in the family is hostage to the narcissist, including the narcissist’s spouse or partner.
So let’s look at some of the specific reasons why your enabler father failed to protect you from your narcissistic mother.
8 reasons why your enabler father didn’t protect you from your narcissistic mother
Not every narcissist’s spouse is an enabler. But those who become enablers do so for one (or more) of the following reasons.
1. Trauma bond
The cycle of abuse creates a trauma bond, so the enabler parent is conditioned to please the narcissist to avoid another altercation.
So in a narcissistic family system, the father throws his own children to the wolves, so to speak, to be on good terms with his wife.
2. Denial
The enabler is usually in complete denial about the dysfunctional nature of their family. To him, it feels normal so he assumes that every other family is the same.
To admit the reality of abuse would mean losing that fantasy of a perfect family that the narcissist often works very hard to preserve. It would also mean accepting some responsibility for it, which would be unbearable for both the narcissist and the enabler.
3. Narcissism
The enabler may have some narcissistic tendencies of his own, in which case both parents are unable to provide a healthy environment for their children or recognize an unhealthy one.
Although a narcissist usually chooses a mate who can be a “donor,” two narcissists in a marriage aren’t as rare as you think. Some people have the unfortunate privilege of having two narcissistic parents.
4. Brainwashing
Narcissists are masters of gaslighting and other mind games, so the enablers are ofter brainwashed to believe a certain version of reality.
For example, a narcissist usually frames a scapegoated child to be the source of all of the family’s problems, and everyone in the family believes and reinforces this narrative.
5. Fear
Narcissists instinctively know how to wield fear to control other people.
In a typical narcissistic family system, fear of being rejected, punished, scolded, or made fun of is always present, like the invisible monster ready to pounce.
In the case of the enabler father, it could be the fear of being humiliated or emasculated.
6. Learned helplessness
Narcissists know how to get someone “hooked.” Once the victim is firmly attached, they start showing their true face.
In a narcissistic family system, the same principle is at work. The aim is to foster dependency so that their spouse (and children) can be in an enmeshed, codependent relationship with them.
For example, a narcissistic woman can be very sweet and accommodating to her husband at the beginning of their marriage. She can convincingly play a role of a doting wife who waits on her husband hand and foot. Once he is used to it, she’ll take it away as a form of punishment and to reinforce the belief that he’s helpless without her.
So enabling fathers often harbor a fear of abandonment, divorce, being alone in their old age, etc. They truly believe they wouldn’t survive without their wife.
That sense of helplessness and defeat is the deeper reason why they rarely speak up against their narcissistic spouse.
7. Mimicking
A narcissistic mother usually sets the tone for how all the family members interact. If your father has a weaker personality and is easily influenced, he probably subconsciously mimics her, including her abusive behaviors.
8. Love
Narcissists are very difficult to live with and not many people would tolerate being around someone who’s always negative and selfish. However, love is blind.
It is possible that your father simply loves your mother despite her many shortcomings. And when you love someone, it’s only natural to support them and to always try to see the best in them.
Of course, love can also mean holding the person you love accountable, helping them grow, and encouraging them to better themselves.
Alas, the enablers seem to be incapable of keeping the narcissist in check. They fail to stand up for themselves or their children, causing the narcissist’s ego to swell up even more.
So while all the abovementioned reasons are valid, they don’t justify or erase the sense of betrayal you may feel toward your father.
That brings us to the main question asked at the beginning of this article: was your enabler father culpable in the abuse or was he a blameless victim himself?
Is the enabler father responsible for the narcissistic abuse?
When discussing narcissistic abuse in the family, the focus is usually on the narcissistic parent. He or she is “the bad guy,” the abuser.
But as the saying goes, it takes two to tango.
The truth is, the enabling parent is not just an innocent bystander. They are an integral part of the abuse.
Without their complicity, the abuse wouldn’t be possible. Their silence is what emboldens and corrupts the narcissist.
And yet, the enabler is a tragic figure of sorts. As an adult and a parent, he’s responsible for the trauma of narcissistic abuse inflicted on his children. But he is also one of the victims.
This is someone who most likely came from a dysfunctional family. The fact that he chose a narcissistic partner suggests that he experienced abuse or neglect as a child. Perhaps, he’s codependent or insecure, and that made him a perfect spouse for a narcissist.
Should you forgive your enabler father?
As a child of a narcissistic mother and an enabler father, you may have deep, unresolved feelings of anger toward your father.
That was my experience, with the roles reversed. My father was the abuser, and my mother…was there. Although she wasn’t an active enabler per se, many incidents of abuse were accompanied by her silence.
She did stand up for me when it got physical. But when I talked to her about my childhood many years later, I got the impression that she wanted to minimize the abuse and was even offended by the idea that I didn’t have a “happy childhood.”
As a grownup, I struggled with the idea of forgiving my father (I wrote about it in the post titled “How to Forgive Your Parents for Abuse (When They’re Not Sorry)“). I was always very aware of the pain and anger he caused me.
But discovering that I also harbored anger and resentment toward my mother took me by surprise.
I realized that deep down I blamed her for allowing the abuse, and beyond that, for choosing that man to be the father of her children.
In a narcissist/enabler parental dynamic, your father was probably more than a silent audience.
It’s likely that he not only tolerated but occasionally joined forces with your narcissistic mother. That is difficult to forgive, and you’re under no obligation to do so.
However, there is no growth in being stuck in the past.
Now that you’re an adult (and possibly a parent yourself), it is your responsibility to heal your inner child.
Knowing the reasons why your father didn’t protect you from your narcissistic mother may help you understand him better. That, in turn, will enable you to let go of some of the pain and anger you’re carrying.
And even if you never fully forgive your father (or both your parents), you can still give yourself the permission to process your feelings rather than suppressing them, make peace with the past, learn to set boundaries in the present, and stop the abusive cycle from repeating itself.
Ultimately, you can’t undo your childhood or erase the pain. But you can learn from both your parents — their mistakes, failings, shortcomings — and make your past a meaningful part of your life story; a part that informs who you are but doesn’t define you.
References
Lo, I. (2022). 3 Ways Narcissistic Parents May Abuse Children. Psychology Today.
Rhodes, M. A. (2019). Narcissist Story Time: An Unfortunate, But True, Story About A Household Full Of Narcissists. Lulu Publishing Services.
More on the Narcissistic Family System
33 Revealing Signs You Have a Narcissistic Parent: The Ultimate List
Coping With a Narcissistic Mother: 9 Tips to Heal the Damage
The Upside of Being a Scapegoat Child of a Narcissistic Parent
The Dark Reality of Being a Golden Child of a Narcissistic Parent
It took me a lifetime to figure out the dynamics in my FOO.
Trying to look at my parents objectively, I now understand that my mother was an excellent homemaker, but was also controlling Narcissistic bitch. My Dad was a good provider and good mechanic, but with a drinking problem. I think that the reason he turned a blind eye to her abuse toward 2 of her sons is that she cooked his meals and cleaned his house and allowed him to drink without to much complaining, only when he got really out of hand. I don’t want to give away too much here about his death – it’s actually fodder for a novel – other than to say that her depraved indifference to his last moments on Earth met the elements for manslaughter. Really. It was very ugly, from which I have been burdened for over 30 years.
My younger Golden brother (who was elevated to that status only because the original Golden brother was institutionalized) will never know the truth about Dad’s death. My mother made sure that she changed her account of it, when she spoke to him. He didn’t even want to make the hour drive to Dad’s house when I called him to tell him Dad died. After all, he had been giving Dad the silent treatment for a long time over some imagined insult, But boy, how attentive he was to mommy when the old man was out of the way. Thanks for listening. It helps to vent.
I’m still trying to process all this mess, even though both of my “parents” have been dead for years. My dad was 50 when I was born, and my narc mom was 39. On the surface, it appeared as though my dad loved me soooooo much. But yet, he threw my whole childhood and adolescence under the bus for that sick, depraved woman. For so long, I really did believe my father loved me, but now, I’m beginning to realize just how little he truly loved and valued me. The questions I’m struggling with now are, “Was my entire relationship with my dad a lie?” and “Did he truly love me at all?” and “If there was any love there, how much of it was real and how much of it was a deception?” This whole mess just makes me hurt inside. Much love to everyone else out there who is also going through this.
If you know anyone who is struggling with suicidal depression, please share the following number with them:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 or text GO to 741741
I also highly recommend this blog, which has been so helpful to me in my walk with Christ over the years:
Expreacherman.com
God bless you all.
Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world. — James 1:27 KJV
That is a great question. Having a selfish, controlling spouse maybe a contributing factors? Youth and beauty can blur their thoughts/actions, perhaps. It is painful to see people choose materialistic things over your own offspring
Why were my previous comments deleted?
Hi Robert!
All comments go through the approval process first prior to being published. This way, I can weed out spam or comments that contain obscene content. And sometimes it takes me a few days to do that. So sorry for the delay! I know it can be confusing not to see your comment published immediately after you posted it, but that’s the only way I can moderate inappropriate comments.
Your comment was indeed precious to me, and I would never delete it! Thank you so much for sharing your story. As for your question, you’re right, it is difficult to assert your independence when you’re are a child of a narcissistic parent. Even more so, if your attempts to assert yourself land you in the position of a scapegoat.
However, this may not be as bad as it sounds! I talk more on the subject in my post The Upside of Being a Scapegoat Child of a Narcissistic Parent Hope this helps!
Sincerely,
Lana
Holy shit! This explains a lot in my family dynamics. When I was younger from approximately K- thru the end of Middle School, I was considered the “Golden Child”. When I started expressing my true identity with the help of Marijuana and psychedelics, my mind was opened to possibilities which didn’t involve conforming to my Moms “idealized self-image” of me. The huge epiphany occurred when my Mom said to me during the summer of transitioning to High School “Dad and I were going to reward you for all of your good behavior over the years, now that is gone,”. At that moment I realized that I was on the path to becoming my true self, and was oppressively controlled for years to conform to their “idealized self-image” of me. When someone loves you, they don’t try to punish you for expressing your sovereignty from their idealized image or expectation of yourself. Your right to exert your defiance and assertiveness to remain sovereign is of the greatest importance to your innermost soul. It has been a constant struggle since this right has been asserted and the polarities have shifted to my image being construed as being the “Scapegoat” for my defiance. How can I live in peace, while remaining true to my inner self? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!
Even though we have the information, beliefs are formed before age of 7.
Therefore f*cked up parents program us before we even have a say in it.
Which, in my opinion, is why as a society we are so sick right now – so much unhealed trauma at the subconscious level.
Few of us even REMEMBER, much less know how to get to this information, upon which we base 90%+ of our decisions and “the voice inside our heads” day in, day out.
Which is TRAGIC to say the least, since there are treatments which transcend traditional “talk therapy” that is covered by insurance.
ie. hypnotism, NLP, EMDR … they are available & beginning to come into view as effective, some therapists who offer are covered under insurance, but unfortunately the best and most effective therapists do not take insurance.
WHY?
Because of the garbage, red tape, and simply the fact … they don’t need to.
Their clientele consists mostly of word-of-mouth, people who have benefitted greatly, and know these “woo woo” therapies WORK … reaching the subconscious without the involvement of the ego/thinking mind … that is KEY.
Even worse, is tendency to be pushed right into “psychiatry.”
TRAGIC.
Instead of treating the person’s psyche, this lower-species human doles out drugs as a treatment, with little to no time given to deep-seated trauma underlying depression, anxiety etc.
“Give them a pill to fix” and we just float along with the recommendation.
Because we WANT to trust, feel pain, are desperate in our agony … we WANT & NEED a quick fix for our pain.
So then we have MILLIONS of people with unhealed wounds, walking around like zombies on multiple prescription meds, being told they “have a chemical imbalance” yet we all know better, and that only adds to the shame.
WE KNOW BETTER.
Wounds MUST be healed.
It is painful, but not even CLOSE TO the pain felt, the suffering … throughout A LIFETIME … by ignoring it.
We MUST FACE THE PAIN. WALK THROUGH IT. SOBER.
There is no avoiding this.
If you WANT TO EVOLVE, to avoid living this “lesson” next lifetime, you MUST FACE & EXPERIENCE THE DEEP PAIN that drives your decisions and behavior.
The adversary – a force created by Creator to distract you from doing so.
And this my friends … is the Hero’s Journey.
It’s time to find out what you’re made of.
Mother is the narcissist and my father is deffinitely the enabler sometimes aggressor. My mother recently told me she wanted to divorce my father.. she told me this for one of two reasons.. 1) So she could continue her mind games of provolking myself seeing how far she can push me before I break and blurt it out or trying to get me to shoot the loaded weapon as a better way of putting it, my mother always makes sure there are countable witnesses to my erruptions, when I do break (I do try to restrain myself, but she doesn’t give up until I do break), it just further leverages the brainwashed (by brainwashed I literally mean her minions) against myself and all what she tell’s them how, I’m such a dispicable human being. She will literally employ any tactic to dirty or slander who I am as a person.. the tears is her favourite go to, that get’s everybody on board from her minions party, that will literally have them all then gang up on myself. Usually my father is the last to pass judgement on me.. he’s one of those people you can literally feel the hatred and built up aggression towards you building and building up inside him, in his brainwashed state, you just know he’s going to say something, sometimes he will wait days to say something, usually cornering myself, it’s like an orchastrated event.. he’ll start the judgement proceedings and the narcassistic mother will then join and raise the volume which then raises his volume.. I will often just walk away from the situation.. but my father is an instigator as well.. he will literally leave me alone for maybe 20 minutes to the point I’ve calmed down, and then he will literally come find me and kick the proceedings off again in full rage abuse mode, I usually don’t say a word, he’ll go away and then come back for what he calls his final word.. which always entails that I’m somehow a baby and I stormed off.. fabricates false things I did to justify his words.. If I even correct him, he spits his dummy out and always says what ever and storms off himself and mutter under his breath, case closed. I’ll hear them talking for hours about how I’m such a vile and disgusting person with no respect for anyone.
The 2nd) Is she told me this information knowing full well it’s control.. I’m now in the middleof the field with nobody to talk to about this, sheknow’s if I tell anybody, knowbody will ever believe me, and if anybody did believe me and then later Questioned it.. she will havelot’s of sick twisted fun in levarging everybody against myself.
I’ve come to the realisation there’s only one of two way’s out for myself.. death being one and disappearing the second, but since I’ve disappeared before and been found and guilt tripped home by the father.. the reason he does this, is because when I’m gone he suffers the same abuse, I have since.. forever.. he needs me to receive the abuse from her.
Don’t get me wrong, my father has done things for me, but it always comes with a price of more abuse or a way to levarage the minions against me even more. They talk a good game. There will never be forgiveness.. just empty promises where the road always leads to the same hell.
Paul Lee: Your situation breaks my heart. I assume, due to your articulation and awareness of these behaviors that you are an adult, but then some of your descriptions sound like you’re a dependent living in the home with your parents. I hope it’s the former. It must be very frustrating and painful to live in that situation and not have anyone to talk to. I know from my partner’s experience with his ex-wife that ostracization and isolation are typically a part of the narcissistic abuse, so I can assume that your parents don’t enable you to have many friendships. When you talk about only having two solutions, I hope that you did not choose death. You deserve to live free of their abuse and I hope you find someone safe and validating to talk to, be it a school therapist or even just calling an employee assistance number if you are an adult. I would encourage you to read about how to respond to narcissists and avoid heir tactics like being a “gray rock” and not giving them the satisfaction of knowing they are getting a rise out of you. I know this is easier said than done. But ultimately, you knowing that this dynamic exists in your family gives you so much better odds of overcoming this than other children of narcissists. Please do continue to read up on how to cope and don’t give up. I promise you it does get better, and you *can* heal from their effects. Do try to get out as soon as possible but please don’t risk your own safety in doing so. Please choose life and persevere. You can talk to me if you like. I’ll check back to see if you reply in the next few days. Love.