If you’re dealing with a controlling, manipulative, toxic parent, you know that they thrive on overstepping your boundaries and pushing your “buttons.”
And they often do it with impunity because they are…well, family.
That’s precisely why setting boundaries with a parent isn’t easy.
But it’s the only way to protect yourself from their overbearing, irrational ways. Not to mention, prevent years of resentment and bad blood.
So here are 10 boundaries you need to set with your toxic parent, or any family member who has trouble distinguishing between “OK” and “not OK.”
1. Unexpected Visits
It’s OK for you to visit me.
It’s not OK for you to drop by unannounced. I enjoy having guests but I prefer to be prepared for their visit. This is my strong preference, and I’m asking you to respect it.
2. Aggressive Arguing
It’s OK for you to disagree with me.
It’s not OK for you to yell, curse, interrupt, talk over me, or push your point of view without even listening to mine.
Also, it’s not OK for you to call me names, or question my intelligence.
3. Oversharing
It’s OK for you to share your feelings and thoughts with me.
It’s not OK for you to reveal personal things I have no business knowing and ask me to keep them secret.
This is a job for your best friend, not your child.
4. Gossiping
It’s OK for you to talk to me when you feel hurt or offended.
It’s not OK for you to gossip to me about other people. I don’t enjoy talking shit behind someone’s back. It makes me uncomfortable, and I won’t take part in it.
5. Lecturing
It’s OK for you to teach me if I ask you a question or explicitly ask for help.
It’s not OK for you to assume that you always know best and to shower me with unsolicited advice. Remember the old axiom: the best advice is the one you ask for.
And it’s definitely not OK for you to shove your beliefs down my throat.
6. Freezing Out
It’s OK for you to want to take a break from me.
It’s not OK for you to give me silent treatment as a means of punishment. Prolonged silence is emotionally abusive and destructive.
You don’t always have to talk to me. I understand if you need some time to calm down. But freezing me out for weeks or months at a time is beyond vicious.
7. Lashing Out
It’s OK for you to be angry or upset.
It’s not OK for you to take it out on me. I am not your punching bag, nor am I there to make you feel better.
Your emotional well-being is your responsibility, and nobody else’s.
8. Pushing
It’s OK for you to ask me to do something.
It’s not OK for you to keep pushing if I say “no.”
Declining your request is my right. You don’t get to act hurt, angry or disappointed.
9. Prying
It’s OK for you to be curious and to want to know more about me.
It’s not OK for you to ask me indelicate personal questions. If I have something personal I want to share with you, I will let you know.
10. Snooping
It’s OK for you to be concerned about me.
It’s not OK for you to go through my phone, computer, emails, packages, journal, etc. to look for clues that something is wrong.
Snooping lets me know that you don’t trust me, and that you don’t respect my personal space.
What Happens When You Set Boundaries With a Toxic Parent?
Toxic parents hate boundaries.
So when you set a boundary with them, one of two things will happen.
Either they will interpret it as a personal attack and get defensive (or even nasty!), or they will ask you to explain it, and then dismiss your reasons.
DO IT ANYWAY.
Set your boundaries regardless of the reaction you receive, and stick by them. Whether they become defensive or dismissive is of no consequence.
You don’t need to explain why you need a boundary any more than you need to explain why you need air to breathe.
Overcoming “The Good Girl/Boy” Syndrome to Set Boundaries
When you start speaking up for yourself, saying “no” and setting boundaries with your toxic parent, it’s going to feel very uncomfortable.
You might feel guilty, scared, ashamed, and just sick to your stomach!
Don’t be alarmed, it will get easier. This is just your conditioning rearing its ugly head.
Kids always know what they want and what they don’t want. They’re attuned to their needs.
But as we grow up, we are taught to keep quiet, be polite and please other people.
This conditioning is especially strong with girls because it’s intertwined with the very concept of femininity.
“Women are either given no clear early education about setting boundaries with others, are expected to ‘be good’ and not set boundaries, or are given mixed messages about what boundaries mean.” — Dorian Crawford, PsyD
A major part of my conditioning, for example, is “don’t be rude.”
When I look back at my life, I’m amazed at how many times I didn’t speak up or didn’t stand up for myself for fear of being rude.
A few times I even put myself in serious danger, all to be polite. Crazy, isn’t it?!
Other examples of conditioning that might stand in your way are
- “Respect your elders”
- “There’s nothing more important than family”
- “Mother’s always right”
- “I can only like myself if everyone likes me”
- “I can’t stand when someone’s mad at me”
- “Assertive women are perceived as mean or bitchy”
- “I must get along with everyone to be a good person”
- “To be feminine I have to be weak and helpless”
- “I must prioritize everyone else’s needs over my own”
- “I must keep the peace, or everything will fall apart” etc.
Keep Practicing Setting Boundaries
Don’t give up just because it doesn’t feel “natural” or easy!
It will get better as you become more aware of your conditioning and more willing to act from a place of self-acceptance and authenticity.
In fact, you will find this to be a real confidence-builder!
After all, setting boundaries is about being your true self, honoring your needs and limitations, and releasing the need to please others at your expense.
Do you set boundaries with your parents or prefer to sweep things under the rug?
NEXT
5 Ways Toxic People Violate Your Boundaries
How to Forgive Your Parents for Abuse (When They’re Not Sorry)
7 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent With a Martyr Complex
Thank you for this very informative article! Although this was written for children of a toxic parent, it’s also helpful for parents of toxic children!
I’m a mother of a very toxic adult daughter and found this to be very helpful in setting boundaries for her. She doesn’t live with me, but does everything to me that’s listed, except 5) Lecturing and 10) Prying! It also convicted me. I realized that I’m guilty of 5) Lecturing and will now only give advice when asked. I’ve also been guilty of 10) Prying by checking social media accounts of her friends to see what might be going on with her. Won’t do that anymore either.
I hope setting boundaries with her will work. Otherwise, I will have to go no contact because my mental well-being is at risk. Thanks again!
Great tips but how are you supposed to do that when you’re still living with your parents? I’m exploding of anger because I don’t have any power to change anything about my situation for at least the next year and this is already going on since I’m born so what in the world shall I do?
Hey friend, I’m 33 and I’m here learning about my parents toxic bs too. I didn’t know what boundaries were as a kid – would my parents have respected them? Not likely. They don’t now. It’s a tuff hand living with people like that. But the sooner you can define your boundaries – the easier and more clear it will be coming into adulthood how you choose to define your relationship with them. What any of that looks like for you, who knows. Take a chance, at the very least you’ll 1) learn about establishing boundaries 2) learning that not everyone will respect them 3) have a sense of self care – something that is healing of its own.
But ya, I’m sorry you’re in that kind of environment, it’s rough. If there’s a teacher you trust or school counselor to just talk to about whatever your home experiences are and the boundaries you want to set, you may find some empowerment.
Hang in there, it’s all learning experiences.
I work with teenagers who has the same issue. By sharing from a I and Me point it is not attacking (like you must ……).Maybe to get the message ti them, write it down in a letter. If parents do not respect theur children, the usually fo not have their own boundaries in place and do not respect other’s boundaries.
In your letter ask them if you from both side ls can please agree to these boundaries. Thus you aldo commit to not overstep these boundaries with them.
That is just my suggestion 🙌🙌
As someone whos been in your position and is now 33 so old enough and ugly enough to just cut all contact with my mother and get on with my life..
Believe me there are ways to escape the “under the thumb” lifestyle you get handed by your parents whilst under their roof, i left at 15 to live in hostels/supported housing and i know that sounds daunting/scary in of itself but trust me its not so bad,
1. Because personally id rather be treated unfairly by strangers/kids who were my own age and in the same boat as me who i hold no love towards rather than sticking around and being manipulated or mentally/physically abused on the daily’s by someone i do love despite their actions aka my mother.
2. Hostels/supported housing have better accessability to medical/support workers who can help with any mental issues you may be saddled with (in my case depression, anger issues, being suicidal and acting on it and all the anxiety that comes along with all of that) plus the staff at hostels will be there to try teach you do deal with all the fears of “going it alone” and becoming independant.
3.Once you reach the age of leaving hostels/supported housing (18 in my case) the workers there will help you get your own property as they arent allowed to simply throw you out onto the streets with no place to go, its supported housing for young people, not prison lol
4. The space you have from your parents can help repair any damaged bridges youve had to under crossing whilst under their roof… though in my case, my mother is still the same regardless, shes dead stuck in her ways of manipulating everyone around her so take this point with a grain of salt.
Even if you dont want to go hostels/supported housing, if you have any other family you can ask to stay at for a few months/year just so you can focus on yourself and becoming independant id say go to them first, dont run to your friends because if youre still classed as a minor your parents can get the police to return you like a lost wallet as was my case.
If youre with another family member though, say a uncle/aunt/gradparents or older sibling it becomes alot more difficult for the police to get you to go back especially if you tell them about what gboes on whilst you live there, just dont take your family for a ride.. offer to pay towards your upkeep/do jobs for them whilst your there as payment because another mouth to feed isnt cheap and it can get stressful adapting to your new life saga and actively start looking for your own place/speaking to the correct people about getting your own property.
I had my younger sister live with me for a year whilst she did the same and shes been independant since and become alot stronger in herself for doing so as she was a very nervous, shy and gullable kid growing up from witnessing what went on when i was living with my mother.
—Now ill put these options at the very end because their both a “only if you REALLY have to” due to the abuse youre getting, physical or mental and its not a case of just trivial family disputes because everyone fights eventually if youre under the same roof..
5. REBEL AGAINST THE MACHINE!! aka give them a reason to be the ones to kick you out, now thats not me saying be physically abusive or go on a war path and out your way to hurt your parents because that wont help you or them, but they cant keep you under lock and key either, not unless they enjoy having a annoying pest around their ankles lol but disregard their rules, live by your own laws and just be a annoying brat aha they will cave eventually.
6. and this ones a “scorched earth” move because nobody likes a snitch or people who invite the police into their lives but if the abuse is so severe and you can get proof, go to the police and press charges..
What will happen is either the police will remove you from the household and put you with a willing family member or into a hostel/supported housing and/or youre parents will just not want you living with them given they know you wont stand for it anymore and will potentially get them infront of a judge (which could lead to a criminal record/prison or fines). This (along with NO.5) should only be used as a last resort though if you want to try build bridges with your parents in future, because despite not happening in my case, parents or just people in general tend to get along better when not under the same roof and having to live with active hostilities.
-Hopefully this book of a read helps in some manner in your path to independance and peace of mind, i bid you luck in whatever route you may or may not choose to go down but just dont be scared to jump ship, youre not stuck, there are options even if it every which way you turn looks like a brick wall.
If you decide to just stick at it for the year you mention you have left, keep your head down and grit your teeth, times a ticking kid and it will soon be time to fly, you just have to make sure youre ready to jump ship (have your own place ready) when the time comes if you really need out of there.
Dont do what i did at first and take the “run away from home and live on the streets” option because youll soon find theres people out there awho can do alot worse and plus no kid should be living under a bridge, stealing to survive.
Good luck to you and as someone whos been in your position, be brave and take charge of your own life, dont let others run it for you because we are all human at the end and we all make very tough choices and bad mistakes.. that goes for both parent and child alike.
I believe you and am rooting for you as well
Hi. My name is bryan yazell and im so greatly inspird by everything ive just read.. ive been going threw so much of everything beeing said. About toxic grandparents… i have been living like this for some yrs now.. And just 3 days ago things excalladed wen i decided to take my daughter whitch is 4 yrs. And my son who is 2 yrs. Weve been living in my girlfriends grandmas house for the last 6 yrs. But srry there is so much to wright about… But i am wanting to have a sit down with my girlfreind first and descuss. Everything ive read hear… i really hope this will help our relationship and our 2 kids… Me mostly is targeted everysingle day.. by every one but mostly bye the toxic grandma. And her 9 yr old brother. I just reallly want and need her to understand wat im going threw.. and also our 2 kids.. me and my kids have been threw more then wat mental abuse should be .. pls hlp us ive tryed everything and she just dont see it.. some times i think she dont care if we work out… we have been victims to long … and the only option i have because i dont speak up enouph is to leave.. meaning my kids would still be hear with out there father… the way her gma and fam want it… i need. And im going to start fallowing up on alot of things ive read. Its way worst then it sounds and its still not even almost everything . It was not suppost to be like this.. and I Have to change our like………..
Thank you Bryan! I know this how hard it is to be the target of a toxic person (or people), but like you said, you have the power to change the dynamic. Speak up more, firmly, calmly and respectfully, and you will start feeling a sense of greater calm and control over the situation. I’m rooting for you! <3