Not all toxic people can be easily cut out of your life. Some are here to stay, like family members or work colleagues. To survive these “toxic ties,” you need strong, clear boundaries that are non-negotiable.

But it’s not as easy as it sounds.

Despite toxic people’s tendency to be controlling, their lives are usually characterized by chaos and volatility. So they will project that chaos onto their relationships.

That is to say, they will not recognize or respect your boundaries, and they will not have clearly-defined boundaries of their own.

So what can you do to stop a toxic person from walking all over your personal space, time, and limits?

You can start by identifying your boundaries, which fall into 5 general types:

• physical
• emotional
• sexual
• financial
• time

PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES

Physical boundaries are the most basic kind of boundaries that protect your physical space. It usually means your body, but it also applies to your personal space like your home, your room, your workspace, etc.

For example, you might have an obnoxious boss or an unpleasant relative who likes to get physically close to you when they talk to you. They might touch you in a seemingly innocent way, but it still makes you flinch. They might hug you too tightly, or linger when they shake your hand.

Or think about how parents push their children to be kissed and hugged by relatives, even if a child protests.

It may seem like a small thing, but that’s an example of how we’re conditioned to accept unwanted physical contact from a very early age. So when we grow up, it’s hard for us to set physical boundaries, especially with someone we see as an authority.

It’s OK to let people know you don’t want to be touched, or that you prefer shaking hands to hugging, or that you don’t enjoy being tickled, or that you don’t want anyone entering your room when you’re not there.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES

Emotional boundaries protect you from toxic people’s abusive or manipulative behavior, i.e. habitual criticism, invalidation of feelings, emotional “dumping,” shaming and humiliation, smear campaign, guilt-tripping, invasion of privacy, etc.

In other words, they protect you from emotional abuse.

If you’re dealing with a toxic person, expect your emotional boundaries to be violated the most because

• 1) it is their nature to be emotionally abusive;
• 2) they can do it with impunity.

Confronting them about their abusive ways doesn’t work. So the best way to set emotional boundaries with toxic people is to limit (or eliminate, if possible) your emotional entanglement with them.

That implies creating an emotional and mental distance that would allow you to reduce your emotional reactivity when it comes to a toxic person’s “digs” or provocations.

So instead of taking it personally, you would see their actions for what they are — an attempt to get a rise out of you.

It also implies limiting your time with them. In other words, if no contact is not an option, go low contact as much as you can.

SEXUAL BOUNDARIES

Sexual boundaries are most likely to apply to your romantic partners or prospects. But a toxic person doesn’t need to be your boyfriend to violate your sexual boundaries. It can be anyone, even a family member.

Because the one thing you need to know about toxic people like narcissists or sociopaths is that they are particularly manipulative and controlling about sex.

And the second most important thing to understand is that sexual boundaries aren’t just about sexual assault. It’s about

• any unwanted touch
• sleazy comments
• offensive dirty jokes
• objectifying behavior
• pressure to have sex
• withholding sex
• anger in response to sexual rejection
• refusal to wear a condom
• “revenge porn”
• and other inappropriate actions that make you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or violated.

If your partner is crossing your sexual boundaries, consider whether you’re in a relationship with the right person.

Someone can make you feel uncomfortable unwittingly once or twice. But if it happens regularly, you need to address it or get out of that relationship.

FINANCIAL BOUNDARIES

“Financial abuse” is a relatively new term, but it’s not a new phenomenon. Toxic people have always been known to use every opportunity to bleed their victims dry — emotionally, spiritually, and financially.

Some of the ways a toxic person can take advantage of you financially are:

• asking to borrow money with no intention of paying you back
• asking to borrow your possessions, like clothes, jewelry, your car
• expecting you to always pick up the check
• conveniently “forgetting” their wallet whenever you hang out
• blaming other people, poor health, the economy, etc. for being broke
• trying to make you feel guilty for the money you have
• asking to stay with you rent-free “for a few weeks” (but it’s never a few weeks)
• pressuring you to invest in their new business idea
• burdening you with debts you’re not responsible for
• stealing from you
• going on shopping sprees using a joint account.

Some of these things are normal in the context of a friendship or an intimate relationship.

But I would encourage you to set those boundaries even with friends, let alone toxic people.

For example, if you are giving a close friend or a relative a loan, don’t just give them the money. They will swear on their grandma’s grave to pay you back “as soon as,” but if you didn’t discuss clear terms of repayment, you can kiss that money goodbye. Trust me, I’ve been there. Better yet, put it in writing.

Or if you don’t want to do it, say so: “I’m sorry, I have a rule: I don’t lend money to friends. Perhaps I can help you some other way?”

TIME BOUNDARIES

They say that time is our most precious resource. And yet we tend to give so much of it away to negative thoughts, destructive emotions, and toxic people.

The latter is particularly true because the toxic people in our lives make so many demands for our time and attention. Their entirely egocentric worldview predisposes them to see their own needs as the only ones that matter.

So if you don’t set time boundaries with them, you’ll be drowning in all sorts of favors, requests, and guilt trips. Not to mention, you’ll be a “dump” for all their emotional garbage.

Be mindful and realistic about how much time you’re willing to give away. When you feel overwhelmed, set a time boundary: “I’m sorry, I’d love to chat but I have to go.”

WHY YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES

When you learn how to set better, healthier boundaries, you’re doing a great service to yourself.

This is an opportunity to master an important life skill that will save you heartache, whether you’re dealing with toxic people or not. This way, you become more capable of communicating your needs and not allowing people to take advantage of you.

However, many people stumble when it comes to boundaries. It feels…difficult, uncomfortable, and awkward. And we just don’t want to offend anyone, so we’ll just let it slide this time. Right?

Setting boundaries may not be natural for you — it isn’t for me. Somehow it seems like people should know where your personal limits are, and how to be respectful of them.

Unfortunately, it’s not the case. Setting boundaries is your responsibility, and no one else’s.

And it’s never too late to start!

THE BEST TIME TO SET BOUNDARIES

When should you set a boundary? The best approach is: at the moment you feel like it’s been violated. Don’t wait for a more “opportune” moment, or take time to think about it. If you do, you’ll probably let it go without saying anything.

You can always tell — without exception — when someone overstepped your bounds. You’ll have an emotional, as well as a physical reaction. Act on it!

Nip the offensive behavior in the bud right there and then. You don’t need a second opinion, and you don’t need to reflect on it. Speak up right away.

I’ll give you a scenario.

It’s a Sunday night. You and your husband are cozy on the couch, watching a movie together – something you’ve been looking forward to all week. Suddenly you hear a doorbell. You exchange confused looks: who could it be at this time?

It’s your mother-in-law. Oblivious to your dismay, she says she was just in the neighborhood and decided to stop by. You have no choice but to invite her in, but your evening is ruined and you feel angry and resentful.

Act upon the feeling of a boundary being pushed before you get to anger and resentment! Right there, that very moment.

For example, “We’re happy you’ve decided to visit but next time can you let us know you’re coming in advance? A phone call would be great, thanks.”

How do you deal with toxic people who overstep your boundaries? Comment below!

NEXT

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