Do you think it’s easy to spot a toxic person? Sometimes it is. If you are versed in toxic language and behaviors, it may only take you a few minutes. But other times you may be dealing with someone who’s an expert at masking their toxic traits.

They may even be able to fool people who are close to them, like their friends or partners.

You need a special X-Ray vision for these skilled chameleons.

But before we delve into some of the lesser-known characteristics of a toxic person, let’s answer an obvious question…

What Is a Toxic Person?

The term “toxic person” refers to a particularly unpleasant individual that uses emotionally manipulative tactics to maintain control and a sense of self-importance.

It’s not a scientific nor a very specific term. But most of us understand its meaning and prefer to stay away from people like that.

Anyone can be toxic: your partner, your boss, your friend, your mother-in-law…

But they have one thing in common: they make you believe that you have to bend over backward to please them.

It’s difficult to be around them. When they’re near, you quickly feel drained.

You also can’t be yourself because you feel judged.

Little by little, they chip away at your confidence, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t satisfy their demands. A more technical term for it is “emotional abuse.”

Typically, once you know a toxic person and you’ve spent some time contemplating their motives, it’s easy for you to spot this type of an individual.

Still, some toxic characteristics remain elusive and are not commonly discussed in books, magazines, blogs, etc.

These are the traits we’re going to focus on.

20 Little-Known Traits of a Toxic Person

1. No Sense of Humor

Having a sense of humor implies a playful and joyful disposition. A toxic personality is the opposite of that.

Where other people might see humor or irony, a toxic individual sees malice and misfortune.

A joke or a lighthearted comment can relieve the tension between people, deepen their connection, and bring joy into an otherwise difficult situation. That’s why being around someone with a sense of humor is pleasant and easy.

When you’re dealing with a toxic person, on the other hand, you’re always on guard and afraid to say the wrong thing because they take everything so seriously, so there’s no grey area.

2. Assumes the Worst of You

When someone assumes the worst of you, they’re expecting you to act in a way that will confirm their worst assumptions.

Even if you do nothing wrong, a toxic person will find a way to misinterpret your intentions or project some dysfunctional quality onto you.

That’s because they think that everyone is a version of them.

This is a distorted form of solipsism, or a belief that only one’s own self is real.

3. Takes Your Time For Granted

A toxic person is only marginally aware of other people‘s needs.

That’s why they take your time and energy for granted. When they nag, complain, or ramble incessantly, they’re not concerned with wasting your time.

The idea that you’re not getting anything out of this interaction doesn’t occur to them. They are simply oblivious to your needs because they are extremely self-centered.

4. Distrustful

Another little-known sign of a toxic person is that they’re very distrustful and even paranoid.

It goes beyond being cautious. They are constantly expecting something bad to happen, and they can never truly relax.

Which is why they always suspect people of bad intentions or covert plans to take advantage of them.

Talk to them about a charity you support — they’ll call it a scam. Confide in them about your marital troubles — they’ll say: “Everyone cheats.” Share with them your travel plans, they’ll say the country you’re going to is dirty and full of criminals.

5. Threatens to End the Relationship

The clearest toxic person red flag is when someone never apologizes or takes responsibility for anything, ever.

But a lesser-known toxic trait is letting you know that any attempt on your part to make them accountable will result in complete severing of ties.

Their ego is so fragile that they can’t handle acknowledging a mistake or wrongdoing. So the moment you confront them about something and ask to change their behavior, they turn on you or lose interest.

Quite simply, they are perfect and have nothing to work on. And if you dare to doubt that, they’re out.

6. Fragile Bonds

A toxic person‘s relationships are always precarious or fragile.

That’s because their basic inability to care about anyone but themselves prevents them from having deep, rewarding bonds with other people.

They view others in terms of their utility. If they find you useful to them, they will try to sustain a relationship. But even then, they can only do it by manipulating with guilt, blame, pity, or intimidation.

So if you suspect that someone may be toxic, look at the quality of their relationships. Do they have close friendships or just a bunch of superficial acquaintances? Are they close to their family or is everyone a villain? Are all their exes crazy?

7. Keeps You Guessing

Toxic people aren’t transparent with their actions, feelings, and motives. So if you have someone like that in your life, they’ll always remain a question mark.

You’ll spend a lot of your precious time and energy trying to solve that puzzle, but you’ll never be quite sure what’s going on.

If they’re upset with you, they won’t tell you. Instead, they’ll act out in bizarre, passive-aggressive ways.

Or if you two are dating, they’ll swear love eternal one minute, then disappear the next one, leaving you to ponder what went wrong.

And the worst part is, if you confront them about their behavior, they’ll act innocent. So you’ll never know if they’re really clueless or they are completely aware of what they’re doing.

8. Provokes You, Then Plays the Victim

Even if you are the most calm, easy-going person in the world, when you’re around someone toxic, you’ll find yourself being emotionally triggered and reacting in a defensive manner.

That’s because a toxic person is purposely trying to provoke you.

There are several reasons for that.

• when they can push your buttons, it makes them feel powerful and in control of you
• when you react to their provocations, they can play the victim and gain the sympathy of others
• since they have a low opinion of you (as they do of most people), they’ll push you to act poorly so they can feel justified in their belief system

9. Conditional Giver

You wouldn’t expect a toxic person to be generous.

They’re not.

But sometimes they will give you gifts or offer help, as if to confuse you even more. It will appear that they’re being very thoughtful. It will even appear as if they’re going out of their way to do something for you.

Don’t fall for that.

Toxic people never do anything unconditionally. There’s always an ulterior motive or an expectation of a reciprocal favor.

Their goal is to make you feel obligated to them. That way, when they inevitably become abusive again, you’ll hesitate to confront them. And even if you do, they can throw it in your face that you owe them, like:

“How can you say this to me after everything I’ve done for you?”

That’s why it’s best not to accept gifts or favors from a toxic person.

Related: Why You Shouldn’t Accept Gifts from Your Toxic Mother-in-Law

10. Skilled at Shifting Blame

Toxic people are not interested in resolving conflicts or finding solutions. They’re only interested in finding someone to blame.

When they blame someone, they feel in control of the situation. It gives them a sense of superiority and puts them in the position of power.

So blaming is an essential part of their character.

They will blatantly deny even the most obvious abusive behaviors and point fingers at the victims.

Somehow, the problem is not the abuse but your reaction to it.

11. Holds a Grudge

You can never get past something with a toxic person.

They never truly let anything go, even after they took a revenge on you or after you’ve addressed it and apologized.

One reason for this is that they see themselves as a victim in every conflict. So it’s hard for them to let go.

Another reason is that, secretly, they want to hold it over your head for the rest of your life.

So whenever there is a conflict, they bring up past fights to make you feel guilty, distract you from the issue at hand, and force you to get defensive.

They also keep score, so the relationship to them is a competition. This war-like antagonistic dynamic is the reason they can’t sustain intimate relationships for too long.

12. Good Actor/Actress

A toxic person is usually able to fool most people. That’s because they are good actors.

They can be charming, caring, charismatic… And if you don’t know them very well, you’ll think they’re one of the most fascinating people you’ve ever met.

That’s why a toxic person prefers to have multiple superficial relationships rather than a few close ones.

In a shallow relationship they can maintain their fake persona. But in an intimate one it’s hard to hide their true colors.

13. Tries to Engage You In Gossip

Toxic people will often try to engage you in gossip, as if to prove that you’re no better than them. They get great satisfaction from the fact that they were able to involve you in their smear campaign.

To achieve that, they’ll try to talk about people they sense you dislike.

Gossiping is a toxic habit. And like any toxic habit, it brings you down. Even if it feels good at the moment, you’ll feel dirty and guilty afterward.

So bite your tongue, even if you have something to say. Remember:

“Someone who just helped you to speak evil about another person can later help another person to speak evil about you.” (Israelmore Ayivor, Daily Drive 365: Daily thoughts for Positive Living).

14. Brings Out the Worst in You

When you’re around a toxic person for a long period of time, you might ingest some of their toxicity and start acting in toxic ways.

In other words, you will become the worst version of yourself.

First, you’ll have symptoms related to emotional exhaustion, such as irritability, depression, anxiety, volatility, etc.

Second, you’ll have what is known as “fleas” or “narcissistic fleas” — a survivor’s tendency to imitate narcissistic or abusive behaviors after being exposed to them over a period of time.

The concept comes from the old saying, “When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.”

For example, you might be reactive and verbally abusive in arguments or even simple discussions.

You might be unable to step into other people’s shoes (lack of empathy) and really hear them.

And just like the toxic person in your life, you’ll see yourself as a victim and refuse to acknowledge another person’s feelings or perceptions.

That’s the “fleas.”

15. Acts Out Their Feelings

A toxic person isn’t good at expressing their feelings, so they act them out.

This is a dysfunctional communication style known as “emotional contagion.”

Instead of telling people how they feel, they make people feel what they feel. So if they’re upset, they’ll make everyone around them upset and scrambling to make them feel better.

16. Thinks They’re an Expert on Everything

A toxic person thinks they always know best, and they like to make others aware of their abundant expertise.

So they have a nasty habit of giving unsolicited advice.

Most people don’t appreciate being talked down to or told what to do. So a toxic person’s input may be met with displeasure and resentment.

When others fail to show gratitude or act on their instructions, a toxic person will react with anger and disapproval.

17. Can’t Be Happy For Others

It’s hard for a toxic person to be happy for other people because they believe good things should only happen to them.

For example, when something good happens to a friend of theirs, they’ll say “Congratulations!” with a fake smile, but inside they’ll be tormented by jealousy.

They’ll ruminate on how unfair the world is, and wonder why people who don’t deserve it get lucky, and they don’t.

Or they’ll try to diminish the friend’s happiness by finding the negative sides of their good news. For example, if a friend tells them that she got a promotion, they might respond with:

Congrats! Now get ready for lots of long hours at the office. Plus, all that responsibility… But I’m sure you’ll do fine. Your husband and kids are OK with not ever seeing you, right?

18. Puts You Down Without Saying One Bad Word About You

A toxic person has a way of putting you down without saying anything bad about you.

Sometimes it’s their tone of voice, a subtle hand gesture, or a facial expression.

And sometimes all they have to do is praise someone else in your presence, and you will hear their disapproval of you loud and clear.

They’ll choose someone who is comparable to you — like your peer or a relative, or someone who’s in a similar position as you. They’ll speak of them with adoration, even when the person they’re praising is not present. But they’ll say nothing good of you.

For example, if you’ve just become a new mother and you’re struggling, a toxic mother-in-law will gush about this other new mom.

Oh, have you seen Linda’s Instagram? She already lost all the baby weight! She’s working full-time, going to the gym every day, and taking care of her little baby! I don’t know how she does it. She’s got it all under control.”

So even though not one bad word was said about you, you’ll feel like a failure compared to this “amazing Linda.”

This is very intentional. The toxic person knows exactly what they’re doing.

19. Withholds Their Affection Until You Do What They Want

Toxic people are masters of conditional love.

As long as you do what they want and fit into their idea of who you should be, they love you.

But if you dare to step out of line, they withdraw their affection.

Then they’ll use the silent treatment, guilt-tripping, and other manipulative tactics to bully you into submission.

Here are some examples of the conditional love a toxic person offers:

• I will love you as long as you’re thin and beautiful
• Give me gifts and favors or I won’t love you anymore
• Accept that I’m in control if you want me around

20. Makes You Feel Ashamed of Your Feelings

When you’re around a toxic person, you may find yourself feeling hurt, offended, violated, etc.

But when you tell them about how their actions affected you, they twist the situation to make you feel wrong for bringing it up and ashamed of your feelings.

For example, they might brush it off by saying that you’re too sensitive, dramatic, or that you can’t take a joke.

They may even accuse you of being toxic! This is an example of extreme projection — an ego defense mechanism of attributing your own traits and behaviors to someone else.

NEXT

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