A gift is by definition a selfless offering. But when you’re dealing with a toxic mother-in-law, beware of gifts with long, wiry strings attached to them.

You might be thinking: why would my mother-in-law give me gifts? She hates me!

It’s precisely to hide that fact a toxic mother-in-law will give you gifts or offer help. It will appear that she’s being very thoughtful. It will even appear as if she’s going out of her way to do something for you. Don’t fall for that.

Everything she does has an ulterior motive. So be careful when she becomes “generous” with you.

Here are 8 reasons why your toxic mother-in-law might be offering you gifts or favors, and why you should politely decline them.

1. To make you feel indebted to her.

This is the biggest reason for her doing anything for you.

It’s much easier to control you when you feel like you owe her. And the bonus is, every time you have an argument or even the slightest disagreement, she gets to throw it in your face.

She’s never too shy to remind you of everything she’s ever done for you. So how dare you challenge her! And the bigger the gift (or the favor), the more entitled and obnoxious she becomes.

Unfortunately, I see this pattern unfolding between my husband and my mother-in-law all the time. It’s as if a mother doing something for her child isn’t natural, but rather a huge favor that a child is supposed to repay in unlimited emotional support.

2. To make you feel guilty.

Guilt is like sunshine to a toxic mother-in-law. The “selfless” things she does are actually “guilt bombs” designed to set off at a later time.

Let’s say you got the flu, and she made you chicken soup and called every day to ask how you were doing. What’s wrong with that? She’s just being nice, right? Not quite.

Toxic people are never just nice. They’re either demonstrating their superiority or expecting you to return the favor a hundredfold.

So if she gets sick, and you weren’t there to serve her every need, she gets to play the victim and call you ungrateful, cold, indifferent, lazy, and just a bad person. It’s her way of showing you how superior she is.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t help out a family member in need. But you should know that at its core her “helping” or gifts are about setting unrealistic expectations for you.

This way she gets to be “disappointed” in you, while you continue trying to please her. Unsuccessfully, of course.

3. To cover up a recent fuck-up.

Although she never believes she does anything wrong, she does recognize if she did a tactical mistake that might look bad.

So she’ll cover that up with a gesture that’s bigger than the fuck-up.

Again, this isn’t because she genuinely cares or wants to help. It’s just a countermeasure to mitigate possible consequences.

4. To demonstrate her generosity.

She’s very concerned with public appearances so she knows the value of some good old PR.

If she does something nice for you, or buys you an expensive gift, people will be more likely to think that she’s a caring, kind person, and side with her during conflicts.

Everything gets twisted when you’re dealing with toxic people. Nothing is genuine, nothing is selfless.

Your every move is measured and calculated against their every move. Then she spins it, and starts spreading the “fake news.”

5. To take it away later.

A toxic mother-in-law never really gives. So it’s not surprising that she will literally take it away if she deems you no longer worthy of her gift.

For example, she can offer to pay for your child’s preschool, then stop the payments when you displeased her.

I also know a real story where a mother-in-law was paying for this woman’s med school, so she could work at a family clinic with her.

But the minute the daughter-in-law challenged her, the MIL withdrew her financial support. She then attacked her psychologically, saying that she will never be a successful doctor.

6. To insult you.

A toxic mother-in-law has a black belt in passive-aggressive warfare. So it’s not surprising that she can turn even something as selfless and benign as gift-giving into a malicious attack.

Have trouble with your finances, or can’t find a job? Your toxic mother-in-law might give you a wallet with some words about how it’s good for “holding money.”

Insecure about a few extra pounds? You might get exercise equipment or a book about a diet.

Your mother-in-law doesn’t like how you dress? You might be getting new clothes she thinks are more appropriate.

7. To shove her wealth or status in your face.

If your toxic mother-in-law enjoys a comfortable, affluent life, she may be especially prone to giving gifts to demonstrate her wealth and status.

So if you’re getting an inappropriately expensive gift that’s a little too “flashy,” there might be more to it than generosity. It’s particularly suspicious it she gave it to you with a price tag still on, or with a receipt.

8. To rope you back into a relationship with her.

If you’ve recently initiated No Contact with your toxic mother or mother-in-law, a lavish gift could be an attempt to pull you back into an unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationship with her.

Toxic people, such as narcissists, have a hard time letting other people live their own lives. Since No Contact is the ultimate loss of control over you, she will do anything to gain it back. That includes fake apologies, empty promises, and yes, gifts.

How to Handle Gifts From Your Toxic Mother-in-Law

If you suspect that a gift from your toxic mother-in-law has a huge string attached to it, obviously, your best approach is to refuse it.

You don’t want to feel indebted to her, and you don’t want to give her any reason to believe that she can control you now.

Do it politely, but firmly. Thank her for the thought, but say that you can’t accept it. You don’t have to go into too many details about why. You can say that it’s too expensive, or that it’s not to your taste. Apologize, thank her again, and change the subject.

What about gifts for your children? Toxic mothers-in-law tend to become toxic grandmothers who often cross boundaries with their gift-giving.

Anything concerning your children has to be approved by you and your partner.

Small gifts are OK. But if your toxic mother-in-law has a habit of giving your kids big gifts without your permission (expensive electronics, trips, anything that has to be fed), it’s an issue.

And you have a full right to refuse any gifts to your kids you find too expensive, unhealthy, or otherwise inappropriate.

How do you deal with your toxic mother-in-law’s gifts? Share below!

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