Is your mother-in-law getting on your last nerve?

Do you find yourself having mental arguments with her long after she’s gone?

Do you constantly think about the things you’d like to say to her?

If that’s the case, you are a ticking time bomb about to explode.

You’ve held your tongue for too long. The next time she steps over the line, you might just give her a piece of your mind.

So if you were to be more direct with your mother-in-law, what would you say?

To help you out, here is a list of the top 10 things daughters-in-law want to say to their mothers-in-law.

1. I am capable of making my own decisions

Ah, classic. Toxic mothers-in-law give advice by the bucket, simply because they think you need it. So their advice always has a pinch (or a pound) of insult to it.

It’s a passive-aggressive way to criticize you while maintaining the facade of being helpful. So here’s the breakdown, dear mom:

A little advice can be helpful when it’s asked for. But inserting your opinion into everything I do without any prompting from me is insulting and meddlesome.

The desire to give advice is itself a symptom of disapproval; and further, it is usually the result of a desire to express that disapproval. — JOHN WILLIAM MACKAIL, “On Giving Advice”

2. This is none of your business

Toxic mothers-in-law looooooooove being all up in your business. Set the record straight:

Be it my marital disputes, my clothes, hairstyle, tattoos, financial status, religion, or lack thereof – this is none of your business.

Discussing it with me, my husband or anyone else is simply out of line. Quit sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong!

3. Please call or text before coming over

The woman has no manners. You wouldn’t dream of coming to her house unannounced, yet she has no regard for your time and space. So here’s the spoiler alert:

If you think that the best way to visit our family is to barge in unexpectedly when the dishes are piled up in a sink, the kids are running amok and my hair is tied in a greasy bun atop my tired mascara-less face, don’t be offended when you’re not welcomed with open arms.

4. Stop fussing over my husband

She’s his mom but come on! Codependent much? Here’s the deal:

I know that to you he will always be that cute little boy that used to run around naked in your living room, but he is a grown man now.

Treating him like a baby may take you back to happier times but it’s actually detrimental to his marriage and life in general.

Instead of attending to his every whim as if he was helpless, encourage him to take initiative. He’s perfectly capable of washing dishes or doing a load of laundry!

5. It hurt my feelings

For many people saying these 4 little words is the hardest thing of all.

We are so invested in projecting an impenetrable armor to the world around us, that we became completely out of touch with our emotions.

I bet your mother-in-law hurts your feelings a lot. Do you ever tell her that? How about:

I know you don’t like me but it doesn’t give you the right to talk down to me, belittle me, or otherwise hurt my feelings.

Or: Your passive-aggressive remarks are just as hurtful as open insults. And when you say things like that, it’s hard for me to be around you.

6. My kid, my choice

This one can be really triggering because it’s about our children. Keep calm and carry on dropping truth bombs. Listen here, mother-in-law:

You may not agree with how I raise my child. You may think it silly. That’s OK because you are entitled to your opinion. Just keep it to yourself, mkay?

Or: I respect your age and experience but what you did as a mother doesn’t concern me. I am the mother now and I will make all parental decisions together with my husband, and no one else.

7. Talk to me, not about me

No one’s perfect. we all have struggles, baggage, and devastating personal flaws. But talking badly about someone behind their back is never the right move. Here’s the deal:

If you have an issue with me, talk to me about it. Bring it up (politely) when we’re alone and I promise you, I will be open to your feedback.

And I will have so much more respect for you as a person.

8. Don’t clean or rearrange my house

Just like unsolicited advice, unsolicited help (especially with the household) is just another veiled insult. Yet how often do we call out our intrusive mothers-in-law on that? She’s just helping, right? So here’s the rub:

I know you think that you are helping but you’re not. I may not be a natural housekeeper, but I do a lot for my family, and it’s my house, even if it doesn’t seem clean or organized to you.

Unless I explicitly ask you to help, don’t force your help on me. And stay out of my fridge!

9. Accept me for who I am

We’re not supposed to want people’s approval or acceptance but we do. We are all hardwired this way. Feeling rejected stings, even as you understand that you can’t be loved and accepted by everyone.

So if I’m being honest, mother-in-law, I’m tired of trying to please you, and still feeling like you’ll never accept me for who I am.

I am not the same as you. I grew up in a different time and environment. I have different views, tastes, dreams, aspirations.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not as good as you or that you have to try to change me into who you want me to be.

10. Stop acting holier than thou

Is your toxic mother-in-law religious? Then this one’s for you.

You like to toast to the family at dinners. You speak of how important family is, especially when a lot of people are listening. You say that God wants us to be close, to love and support each other, to go to events and religious services together.

You talk the talk but you don’t walk the walk.

If you were truly a woman of God, you’d show it with your actions.

You would not be bashing me to anyone who’d listen. You would not be disrespecting my choices as a wife and mother. You would not be quietly hoping for me to fail so you can say: told you so.

We are a family; act like it.

Overcoming the Fear of Speaking Up

Let’s face it…most of us have a fear of speaking up and causing a conflict.

We would rather swallow our feelings and pretend we’re fine than risk an uncomfortable confrontation. We’re also afraid of saying something wrong.

The fear of speaking up is very common in women.

A recent study from the University of Cambridge found that women are 2,5 times less likely to ask questions in academic settings than men.

Another study reports that men dominate 75% of discussions during business meetings. Women prefer to stay silent for fear of being wrong or not having anything significant to say.

But the fear of speaking up isn’t limited to the workplace. We exhibit the same pattern of behavior with our friends and family.

It’s an automated response because we are bred to be nice, prim, agreeable doormats will smiles plastered on our faces even when we have level-10 cramps.

But if you want to stop being the yes-woman and start letting people know the real you, you’ve got to find the courage to speak up.

Speaking Up to Your Mother-in-Law

When it comes to speaking up to your difficult mother-in-law (or any toxic or narcissistic person in your life), I find that one of the most common fears people have is: Nothing will change if I speak up.

She’s not going to listen to me, so why bother?

Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever wanted to say something but then talked yourself out of it by saying “nothing will change”?

I’m here to tell you that something WILL change if you speak up: YOU.

Every time you speak up, YOU change. Every time you say what you need to say – clearly and calmly – you take another step towards confidence, authenticity, and self-worth.

Her reaction is inconsequential.

In fact, your goal with speaking up isn’t to change her mind or control her behavior. Your goal is to speak your truth. Nothing more, nothing less.

If you practice speaking your truth, your strength and self-respect will grow.

Nothing is more powerful or more liberating than speaking your truth!

Even if your mother-in-law persists, you will be taking your power back and feeling stronger every time you speak up.

Use your own judgment when to speak up, and on what matters. I’d say: stick to issues that are truly important to you. Let the small things go.

Continue to set boundaries and work on yourself, using the toxic person as the catalyst for your emotional and spiritual growth.

And remember: like anything else, losing the fear of speaking up is a process. You take small steps, gain confidence, then take bigger steps. It will get easier the more you practice it.

Don’t give up! You got this.

NEXT

The Silver Lining: How Writing About My Toxic Mother-in-Law Changed My Life

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Why You Shouldn’t Accept Gifts from Your Toxic Mother-in-Law