In our digital age, everyone is a bit of a narcissist. We’re all guilty of seeking attention online and hiding behind a mask.
But when you encounter an actual narcissist, that’s a whole other story.
The problem is, you’re not going to know you’re dealing with a narcissist until it’s too late. By the time you see their true colors, they’d have burrowed their way into your heart, mind, bed, and wallet.
So wouldn’t it be nice to know early on, during the flirtatious texting stage?
Here are 13 signs you’re texting with a narcissist.
*I will use male pronouns in this article for the sake of simplicity, and because statistically, most narcissists are men. However, that is not to say that only men can be narcissists. Women can also act in narcissistic ways, and that includes their texting habits.
1. Too Much Too Soon
A narcissist will declare his undying love for you pretty soon after you’ve met. He will be texting with you nonstop. It will be dramatic and verbose, and he will use the word “soulmates.”
2. Hot and Cold
A narcissist will alternate his texting persona, going from overly affectionate one minute (“love bombing”) to cold and distant the next.
It’s done to establish dominance and make the victim feel insecure and confused.
3. Hard to Read
Texting gives a narcissist so many opportunities to be evasive, shifty, and manipulative. He likes playing games, so he rarely responds right away. Or if he does, he will send short, impersonal texts.
Overall, he’s hard to read, so you’re constantly trying to “decode” his messages.
4. Ghosting
A narcissist can disappear for days, weeks, or even months. Then he’ll casually drop you a “Hey there beautiful” like nothing happened.
If you respond, he’ll know that he still got you.
5. Fake caring
This is when you receive a random text of concern from him after he’s ghosted you for a while. It’ll be something like this:
- “Hey, are you OK?”
- “I’m worried about you”
- “Do you need anything? Just thought I’d ask”
- “I’m always here for you.”
How do you know if it’s a genuine concern or a narcissistic hook?
Look at the overall pattern. If you’re getting those texts from a narcissist, they would be inconsistent with his previous attitude and behavior.
6. Power waiting
As a rule, he won’t call or text first (unless he’s in the active pursuit “love bombing” stage). It’s a power move; narcissists like to have an upper hand.
If he does text first, it’s when he senses that you’re about to cut him out of your life, so he needs to make sure you’re still on the hook.
7. Overcompensating
He talks a lot about being honest and loyal.
Once is OK to make a point.
But if a guy (or a gal) keeps going on and on about how honest they are, that they never lie, how they hate liars and cheats – chances are, they’re overcompensating.
Honest people don’t try to convince you they’re honest. They just are.
8. Bragging
A narcissist loves talking about himself and exaggerating how fantastic, special, smart, and outstanding he is.
If he thinks you’re buying into his self-aggrandizing bull crap, he’ll just keep piling it on.
9. No questions
You’ve been texting for a while, and you ask him a lot of questions. But he (or she) doesn’t ask any questions in return.
They just don’t seem to be that interested in getting to know you.
10. Generic, lazy texts of no substance
Text messages like “Hey, beautiful!” or “I miss you” are usually sent to test the waters or to lure you in.
And if you’re getting those on a regular basis, he’s probably sending it to 10 other people.
That’s why narcissists LOVE texting. Little effort, 10 times the narcissistic supply!
11. Long rambling texts
If you’re getting an unreasonably long, barely coherent text (or a series of texts) explaining this and that, but nothing concrete, with no specific commitments to a change, you may be texting with a narcissist.
This here is a classic narcissist’s “word salad” of half-ass apologies, love proclamations, and vague promises of better days.
12. Selfies
If you’re texting with a narcissist, chances are, you’ll be getting a lot of selfies and probably dick pics, too.
That’s a common narcissistic behavior in men. Women don’t usually send unsolicited nudes.
Narcissists love showing off, and they do that every chance they get.
13. Booty Calling
If you’re getting those short and seemingly sweet “Hey girl” or “Thinking of you” around 11:30 pm, it’s a red flag for a narcissist!
A booty call is just that perfectly impersonal, selfish, impulsive, borderline-insulting thing narcissists do when they test your boundaries.
So you’re texting with a narcissist… What’s next?
Perhaps, it’s someone you just started texting with casually. Or it’s your ex who you can’t seem to shake off. Or maybe even someone you’re currently dating.
The sooner you become aware of who they really are, the better.
Texting makes it so easy for a narcissist to hide in plain sight. It’s impersonal, quick, and takes little to no effort.
It’s a perfect medium for playing mind games or pretending to be someone else.
Don’t take the bait!
Ask yourself:
- Is this person treating me with respect?
- Are they honest and clear about their feelings?
- Do they seem genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person?
- Are they accessible, for the most part?
- Are they mindful of my boundaries?
If the answer to these questions is “no,” think twice before replying to that seemingly innocent text.
You may be opening the door to a world of hurt, abuse, and regret.
The most important thing to remember is: you are in control, and you know what’s right and what’s not.
Trust that gut feeling. If something feels off, it is.
NEXT
7 Spiritual Lessons a Narcissist Can Teach You
7 Clever Dating Games All Narcissists Play
10 Types of Women Who Attract Narcissists
I collect narcs( females/males. I do not think they all have evil intentions, covert are
very sneaky, can show true feelings, but they suffer from deep wounds, and turn
emotional abusive , defensive VERY quick. Also, its got to be glorifying them, or
they ghost. I had two covert, very different, one over-communicated, one was silent unless
they see me in person. both charming, lousy boundries, multiple females in the background.
the female narc, used to lovebomb with WAY over the top gifts constantly.
the last one, is tricky. He is very quiet, but emotionally VERY tuned in, and affectionate? so
its not easy to label . one thing they do is love bomb, ghost, disregard, and have insecurities !!
Funny how you don’t mention she or her. Females can be narcs, bad ones too.
Actually, I address that fact at the beginning of the article: “I will use male pronouns in this article for the sake of simplicity, and because statistically, most narcissists are men. However, that is not to say that only men can be narcissists. Women can also act in narcissistic ways, and that includes their texting habits.”
It looks like the Author is still hurt from a Narcissistic relationship and has some hate for men, which is totally understandable, Narcissism is a personality Disorder, it is not gender specific or genital related, I personally know woman who are very talented Narcissists, they are not acting like a Narcissist honey, they are Narcissists. When you are talking about a personality Disorder that too in an Article, what does it cost you to use Him/Her, rather than him, when you use him, that creates Discomfort in all the Him’s reading. You have some work to do my dear, the benefit of Doubt you have given to your Gender will attract Narcissistic woman in to your life, you are an easy target for them, Anyways, I really appreciate your Article.
Ha ha…. ” I will use male pronouns for the sake of simplicity” is secret code for “screw those men that I have hatred of”. Sorry but your justification has no substance and unfortunately devalues everything that you wrote.
Wow — you got some hate for simplifying the pronoun. I read character disorders everywhere in these comments. You did a great job and gave me clarity. Thank you. Ignore the baiters, haters and simply foolish.
Thank you Beth! It’s hard to talk about anything worthwhile without triggering people 🙂
Lana
Either me or my partner is in a narc relationship but I have no idea wether it is Him or Me..
Thank you, for this article.
Just got out of an abusive relationship with a narc, run! The love bombing hooks you like a drug addict, don’t fall for it. See Narc ology videos on Youtube and RC Blakes videos on NPD.
I started to read this and it’s very one sided. It’s not always men being Narcissistic women can do it too that’s the only part I’m trying to make
You’re absolutely right, David. Women can be narcissistic, too, and a lot of these signs can be applied to women. I’ve amended the post to include a disclaimer that this information is not gender-specific.
Lana
I know what you were trying to say. You didn’t do anything wrong by making it simple. They just want to give you a hard time.
If you read the beginning, the author prefaces the article with the fact that not just men are narcissists.
Seriously, how difficult would it be to edit the article so it was non gender specific. I mean she went to the effort to edit and add a disclaimer. Methinks author has deeper issues to work through.
is there a specific question or something i can ask or talk about to that person to get a specific answer to realise he’s a narc?
It’s more about looking at the patterns of communication rather than a person saying that one specific thing. Narcs are self-centered and manipulative. So if he talks about himself a lot, doesn’t ask you anything, disappears and reappears, etc. all those things taken together can be an indication you’re talking to a narcissist.
Yep, happened to me recently with a man helping me with some research for my book. Told me all kinds of personal things about himself, things about how he felt about me for six months and then when we arranged to meet he flaked on me and sent someone else to the door to say he didn’t live there. I am still puzzling this out. Very successful at work, but seems tragic in his personal life. I am still scratching my head over this one.
I wouldn’t spend too much energy trying to figure it out. He’s a narc. End of story. Or at least I hope so for your sake. They will suck you dry.
Hi, I love this article. I have been having sort of texting relationship with a guy met on an app who had all the traits of a narcisisst. Unfortunately, I was not educated about this illness ( because yes, it’s a psychiatric illness) so I could not discern reality from fakeness. He lovebombed me to death,made huge promises ,even wanted children after two weeks of texting !
Unfortunately I believed everything ( I know, I am foolish,and at my age…42…it’s shameful ) and I fell down a pithole of abuse,mind games,gaslighting that lastedd six months.
He never wanted to chat or video chat, ghosted me for hours, then came back with the sweetest silly words and had me back again…until after a huge fight I cursed him and he blocked me everywhere.
He blocked and unblocked me endless times during those six months. Never answered my questions in a clear and decent way.Now it’s been almost two months of no contact and sometimes I miss him but in the end, I wonder, what exactly do I miss ? A fake man ?
Hi Kia,
I want to say this and I want you to really hear me: there is no shame in falling for a narcissist. NO SHAME. Narcissists are manipulative and charming, and they don’t usually target the weak or the stupid. They target strong, smart, beautiful women. It is not your fault, and you’re not lesser than for not seeing the signs sooner. The important thing is, you see them now, and you did the only sane thing: go no contact.
I’ve been there, so I understand when you say that you miss him sometimes. I think you miss how he made you feel. It’s so intoxicating to be the center of the narcissist’s world in the love-bombing stage. And even after we realize it wasn’t real, we can still miss it. It’s OK. It shall pass 🙂
I was married to a woman that wanted kids, and we were together for almost 7 years. She talked me into marrying her by using my step sons as an excuse we must be married to live together. She took control of the finances and would not include me in bill paying. We had 2 sons together 2&4 years old, which are the loves of my life. Over the years, she would get enraged about the relationship I had with my parents, friends x girlfriends that I was still friends with) because she was not as close to her parents and she could not control my family/friends. She would brake glass shower door on me in shower throw things at me hurting me. So I always walked away and left because she would scream my moms a whore in front of children or other inappropriate things. She controlled my time and put me on edge, causing me stress and anxiety from being so dramatic. So bad I took out insurance policy on myself because I did not feel healthy. Always changing my words around, abusing me and gaslighting. She would yell at me if I was 2 minutes late mainly because she would tell me what I have to do, so it made me not want to do it. But would say I did not respect her. She texted me with texts that were like she was trying to write a book when at work which I could not read and respond due to the sheer length.
She is always the best at her job and acts as such. Always talking down to me.
I left the house in November because she threw and hit me with something. She screamed my mother is a whore so I left to save my kids from hearing that. I got into my car and she came out yanking up on door handle so hard she dented the side of the car(she is 112lbs). I stayed at my parents, and would go over to get kids. On 14th of December she seduced me and since I was not real satisfied and distant she complained and made me feel guilty because she fed from my enjoyment, so I went back the next night and she was out of control and wanted weird things done to her that I did not understand where they were coming from. On or about 3 days later, she was distant and did not care about us anymore and I wanted to fix us and be a family without all the anger and lack of communication, so I got her flowers and she could care less and said she needs 2 weeks like I had. On New Year’s Eve I stopped by house trying to get back together and saw a brand new babysitter I never saw before, so I introduced myself and said hi to kids. Went upstairs and wife seemed surprised to see me and had to run in back bathroom to hide something. Anyway she kissed me on the lips and I told her to be careful and have a good night. Stopped over the next morning to wish kids and wife happy new year and the sitter was there all night and my son did not get his medicine because she was not told about it. Wife would not respond to her or my texts. I ended up leaving to go to work and on my way to work saw her Jeep in a hotel parking lot. Went in and found out what room she was in and went up and knocked on door to hear another man’s voice. After opening the door and seeing man bee line to elevator and her saying I told her to sleep w other men, and accusing me of cheating(never could live w myself if I did, marriage meant something to me). Then said they cuddled only. Of course I told the guy she was married w 4 kids and one that needed medicine and he said he didn’t know she never told him. Pretty sure he didn’t. Anyway she later told me that we could not get back together because she could not trust me.
Still recovering from the situation and she is trying to control me still with the kids and texts me like she could get me back at anytime.
I’m dealing with a narc right now … thankfully I recognized the signs way early so now I just kind of have fun with it.. like picking out the tendencies and doing my best not to have any feelings. Unfortunately, the feelings started before I saw the signs but I still saw them early enough..And they lesson the more I’m aware of course.
I was:
1. Love bombed to death
2. He had a Constant need for compliments
3. Selfies every single day and if you don’t compliment you get prompted to do so with questions about what you think.
4. Lies about life
5. Asks questions but only if it’s about how much I love him or what I think about him.
6. When I don’t feed his ego he seems to disappear for a few hours then tries again
7. Will text me and then disappears for a couple hours.
8. When he asks how I’m doing or what I’m doing I’ll respond but the response is typically passed over or he responds with a word like “awesome” then moves on to something he’s interested in… then disappears lol
9. Has big life plans but never follows through
10. At work he doesn’t like not being in charge, when his ego is mad he typically wants to or will quit if he doesn’t get his way.
Sometimes I question if he truly is a narc because it’s hard to believe that a narc can actually love, but does that sound like love? Hell no..
Thanks for the article.
Hi Shawna,
wow, you really put some thought into this! Impressive.
I know it’s hard because even if we see the red flags, we can still get the “feels”. But in all likelihood, those feelings are going to go away once the narc starts acting more like the narc and less like a lovesick teenager. That’s why love-bombing is so confusing. It really does look like love, doesn’t it? So keep your distance, unless you want to go down that rabbit hole 🙂
After reading your comment I’m wondering if you were texting with my ex-husband. LOL I married a narcissist who did everything you just described and more. It’s really amazing how narcissists do the exact same stuff. It’s as if they are all reading a textbook about it. I often wonder how in the world we got married but then I remember him saying people had more respect for married men and how they were able to move up in their career. When he did propose, he didn’t even ask me to marry him. He handed me the huge box with both rings in them, just as I was leaving his house to go home. When I opened the box they both fell out and I picked them up. He didn’t even attempt to pick them up. After I picked them up I looked at him and he looked at me and said “will you?” I said his name and looked at him with a big smile on my face, trying to prompt him to go ahead and ask. He just looked at me. I remember feeling like he was acting as if he was too prideful to even ask me. I didn’t understand why he would be too prideful to ask me to marry him if he really wanted to marry me, so I figured he was just nervous, even though it didn’t look like nervousness. The look on his face looked like “I’m not gonna ask you to marry me.” (It’s the theme of a narcissistic relationship – I’m prideful and won’t be humble ever and will never apologize and I don’t like you and you’re lucky to have me and I’ll do whatever I want but when we’re in front of people I will pretend to be the most loving respectable person ever.) So I said “yes I will marry you.” That was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. The engagement was horrible and the marriage was even worse. We were married for five years but only because I stayed over and over again. Within a few months he was threatening to divorce me and cheated (with men and women even though you would never guess that he would sleep with a man, not with his big macho athletic image) and lied and gas lighted and did every despicable thing you could imagine. I ended up on antidepressants and at one point my psychiatrist even told me that he sounds as if he’s a narcissist but that he couldn’t diagnose him because he was not his patient. At the time I thought being a narcissist meant that you had an overly high self-esteem and that you like what you look like. I wish my psychiatrist had encouraged me to read about it. I also wish schools would cover this in health class. I believe people need to know about narcissism because it is so damaging, so dangerous. Once you’ve been in a relationship with one you understand just how wicked it is. It’s amazing how much information there is out there and you know immediately when you start reading it that your person is absolutely a narcissist. I’m a Christian and tried very hard to forgive and be patient and love him anyway, which is why I stayed with him until he finally was so brazen and did everything he could to ruin me in every way and finally left me. I’ve been told that he’s been going around crying big crocodile tears and telling everyone that I am bipolar and that he was the victim. It’s truly disgusting. Maybe one day narcissism will be covered in health classes in high schools and colleges everywhere so that people can become aware of Narcissism and hopefully avoid becoming entangled with one. If you’re reading this and it sounds like the person that you are with please pray, get educated on narcissism, and leave and get therapy to help you stay away. God Bless
Seems like narcissist send random heyyyyyy texts just to get your attention then go radio silent after you’ve replied.
And if you ignore they keep pestering and get all mad when you don’t fall into their attention seeking trap.
I really don’t get this. What a total waste of the person’s time to do something so pointless and childish! Don’t they have a life!
This sounds less like a guide to a narcissistic person and more like the author couldn’t take a hint that someone wasn’t interested in them. Yikes. Maybe retitle it to say “Signs You Need To Get The Hint”.
Sounds like my post touched a nerve…Yikes indeed. Thanks for the comment though!
Sounds like Tony is a narcissist!
HA! Totally. Like a true Narc, Tony doesn’t like that you’ve figured him out!
It’s kind of hard to take a hint when you’re being love bombed to death… everyone loves to be loved , it’s easy to fall for it so it’s a good thing people write articles about it. AND if he was trying to send a hint why would they continuously reach out. You obviously have never dealt with a narc before. That’s all! Bye