Most people aren’t narcissists. But once in a while, you’ll come across that special “snowflake” that will make your head spin. And when you do, watch out for their dating games.

People with narcissistic features are common in the dating world. They’re especially comfortable on social media and online dating sites where wearing a mask is the norm. In fact, many toxic online daters are narcissists.

So how do you distinguish between a genuine connection and a narcissistic dating game designed to engorge the narcissist’s ego at your expense?

You have to pay attention to the behaviors your romantic interest exhibits.

Taken separately, these behaviors aren’t too alarming. But put them together, and you have a pattern of deceptive, abusive, manipulative “mind games” all narcissists play to trap you into their spiderweb.

1. The Spontaneity Game

A narcissist will test your boundaries. A classic ruse they use is to pass off “booty calls” as spontaneous romantic gestures.

“Booty calls” in general signal laziness, lack of planning, and disrespect. But coming from a narcissist, it’s more of a test.

My ex used to do it all the time. He would send me a late-night text like: “I miss you, I’m on my way,” or just show up at my doorstep claiming that he couldn’t stop thinking of me, he had to see me, he needed me, etc.

I wasn’t OK with it, but I liked him so much… I didn’t want to do anything to push him away. So I let it slide.

BIG mistake! He was just testing how far he can push me. Turns out, pretty far.

2. The Commitment-Phobia Game

The narcissist will often pose as a commitment-phobe.

With a well-rehearsed tear in his eye, he will tell you some sob story about his parents’ divorce, a cruel ex-wife, or some other “trauma” he supposedly experienced that turned him off commitment for good.

For some people, it’s not a game. It’s a genuine fear. But for a narcissist, this is just an exit strategy.

This way when he found a new shiny object he can feed off of, he can claim that he was honest with you from the beginning, so he’s done nothing wrong.

It’s also a way to have an upper hand in the relationship. He is the person who decides how far a relationship can go, so he’s always in charge.

He can be cold and aloof when he’s punishing you, or he can dangle a promise of commitment when he senses that you’re slipping away.

3. The Disappearing Act Game

You’ve had a few great dates, talked about how many kids you’d want (jokingly, of course), and sexual attraction is off the charts.

Ever since you met, you’ve been thinking about him constantly, and every time your phone dings, your heart starts beating a little faster.

Then all of a sudden he just drops off the face of the earth. No texts, no phone calls, no explanation. Just…poof!

If you’re reasonably certain that he’s still alive, well, and hasn’t been abducted by aliens, you might be dealing with a narcissist who’s playing the “disappearing act” game.

The object of the game is to keep you on your toes and guessing.

What happened? Did I do something? What’s going on with him? How can he just disappear? I thought he liked me. Didn’t we have a great time together? Do I call him?

These are the types of questions that might be racing through your mind after your narcissistic paramour vanished into thin air.

But don’t worry. He’ll be back with some lame excuse, like: “Sorry, work’s been crazy!”

Or he’s simply done with you. Either way, you’re better off solo.

4. The It’s Not Me It’s You Game

The narcissist is an Actor, playing the lead role in the movie of his own creation. It’s usually a very dramatic, epic saga where he is the hero, the savior, the Prince Charming (or, in different incarnations, the victim).

So in a way, he believes his own lies. He is so engulfed in this self-aggrandizing fantasy that a real give-and-take relationship isn’t possible with him.

He is always the good guy, and you’re always the bad guy.

There is no growth because whenever you bring up any issue, he becomes angry and turns it around on you. For example:

You: I don’t like it when you talk to me this way. It makes me feel bad about myself.

Him: You talk shit to me all the time! I can’t do anything without you nagging or criticizing me. I think you’re emotionally abusive.

And the more you see who he really is, the more evil you become in his eyes. That’s why the narcissist’s ex is always “crazy” or “a bitch.”

5. The Casanova Game

The narcissist loves attention. That, coupled with his natural charisma, makes him a flirt, and often a cheater.

So if you just started dating, pay attention to how he behaves around other women. Does he

• openly flirt in front of you?
• pay a little too much attention to attractive women?
• get off on making them laugh?
• lean in to whisper in their ear?
• put his hand on their back, slightly lower than the casual touch?
• exchange numbers?
• deny everything if you confront him, and say you’re imagining things?

This particular game is designed to play on your jealousy and to make you aware of how attractive and desirable he is to other women.

It’s a power game aimed to invoke your insecurity and fear of losing him.

6. The Everlasting Love Game

If you spent some time learning about narcissistic behaviors and traits, you probably came across the term “love-bombing.”

Love-bombing refers to the initial phase of a relationship when a narcissist figuratively bombards you with affection to overload your senses and sweep you off your feet.

I call it “the everlasting love” game — the narcissist’s ridiculously romanticized notion of love that makes soap operas look dull and uneventful.

During that initial phase when he’s playing “the everlasting love” game he can be incredibly thoughtful, romantic, and passionate. It may seem like you’re the most important person in his world.

But it’s all very calculated and rehearsed. Most likely, you’re not the first person to receive his “everlasting love” act.

7. The Ever-Presence Game

A self-proclaimed narcissist H.G. Tudor says that a narcissist will intentionally create emotional “anchors” to keep you trapped in his “whirlwind of love” hypnosis.

For example, he’ll make sure you associate certain songs, movies, restaurants, books, places with him…

So that you’re always surrounded by the reminders of the “good times” with him, and can be triggered into a trance-like love haze even when he’s not around.

If the “everlasting love” game is meant to forge your addiction to the narcissist, the “ever-presence” game is designed to solidify it.

It’s those powerful and addictive emotions that make it so difficult to cut ties with a narcissist, even after they moved on to the “devalue and discard” stage of the relationship.

Why Do Narcissists Play Dating Games?

The main reason is that it gives them an advantage.

Their objective is securing a reliable source of narcissistic supply, and dating games allow them to test out your boundaries, your self-esteem, and your capacity for giving.

They’re looking for someone to use up and discard, not unlike a predator in the wild who is looking for prey. When they’ve found the right target, they will not let it go easily.

Even if you find the strength and courage to leave, narcissists are very skilled at conditioning their victims to fall for them again, and again, and again. And that conditioning begins during the dating period.

But in a way, narcissists are victims, too. Whatever made them that way was painful and traumatic, and it robbed them of the capacity to empathize, love, and connect with others.

So they play games to compensate for their limited emotional capacity.

For a fascinating in-depth look at the psychology of narcissism, read 20 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Narcissism

When You’re Caught In a Web of Narcissistic Dating Games

Have you been a victim of a narcissistic dating game?

If you’ve answered “yes,” there lies your first issue: the victim mentality. Certainly, there are situations where people can be victims, but applying the term “victim” to dating can be damaging.

It robs you of your power and implies that you are helpless in the face of a superior opponent.

Even if you’ve fallen for the narcissist, you’re not a victim.

You’ve chosen this person, even if subconsciously. Rather than thinking of a narcissist as a big bad wolf, think of him (or her) as someone who can help you see the parts of you that need healing.

Maybe it wasn’t the first time you got involved with someone toxic, abusive, or narcissistic. Look within to see why you’re attracted to these types of partners, and why they might be attracted to you.

That is not to say that it’s your fault.

You didn’t ask to be deceived, manipulated, or emotionally abused. But you do have some accountability for the people you choose to be with.

So once you’ve accepted some responsibility for the relationship with a narcissist, forgive yourself for falling for him in the first place.

It wasn’t your fault. It doesn’t mean you’re stupid, weak, or that you’ve provoked the abuse.

In fact, there is nothing you can do or could have done to have a reciprocal, loving, healthy relationship with that person.

It was doomed from the get-go.

So the best way to respond to the narcissist’s games is to stop playing them.

Let go, disconnect, and make peace with it. You’ll know better next time.

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