If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know it’s no walk in the park. Then why was the sex so great?

Why, even after years apart, after you’ve finally put the pieces of your heart back together, after piles of self-help books, why do you still think about it? Why do you still crave it, and feel crazy for craving it?

Was it really that good or did you just convince yourself it was? Hold that thought — more on that later.

First, let’s talk about who the narcissist is, and why he (or she) is so damn seductive.

Who is a Narcissist?

Strictly speaking, a narcissist is someone who meets the diagnostic criteria for a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), for an individual to be diagnosed with an NPD, they must exhibit five or more of the following symptoms:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• The belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associated with special people or institutions
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
• Exploitation of others
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
• Arrogant, haughty behavior or attitudes

However, only a small percentage of the population (between 0.5 and 1 percent) meets the clinical criteria.

Now, how is this possible, right? There are so many books, podcasts, and blogs dedicated to narcissists. And it seems that every other girl has a tale of a love entanglement with a narc.

I mean, are we all crazy, or are there a lot more of these assholes individuals lurking around than what the statistics would have us believe?

The fact is, narcissism exists on a continuum. So we don’t usually encounter narcissists. We encounter a narcissistic personality type (a less severe form of narcissism), or people with narcissistic traits.

That doesn’t mean they’re any less emotionally abusive though!

But to keep it simple, we’ll call them all narcissists.

For a fascinating in-depth look at the psychology of narcissism, read 20 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Narcissism

What’s the Allure of the Narcissist?

As a culture, we are fascinated with the “bad guys.”

We love nothing more than to marvel at psychopaths, serial killers, murderers, pedophiles, cult leaders…We create mythologies around them.

“Narcissist” is just another mythological figure in our cultural pantheon who we’ve imbued with terrible, but also powerful, and even magical qualities.

They’re devious and deceitful, charming and charismatic, ruthless and egocentric…

They’re the devil, the antithesis of all that’s good and moral.

And we all know that the devil can be seductive… Am I right, ladies?

3 Reasons Narcissists are Seductive

1. They appear confident and assertive.

They have a heightened sense of self-worth and even grandiosity in some cases. Say whatever you want about narcissists, but confidence is sexy!

Although, keep in mind that that confidence is skin-deep. On the inside narcissists often feel fragile and insecure.

2. They are likely to be successful.

Research shows that narcissistic traits like an inflated ego, entitlement, and a need for admiration drive narcissists to success.

They’re also highly motivated, resilient, undeterred by rejection, and calm under stress. That’s attractive!

3. They tend to be attractive.

Like the proverbial Narcissus, narcissistic men and women are in love with their reflection, and they spend a lot of time on their appearance.

They can be obsessed with exercising, have elaborate skincare routines, or even indulge in plastic surgery.

Narcissist’s Sexual Habits

Sex with a narcissist can be good or even great. However, let’s set the record straight.

• Narcissists can be abusive, selfish, and withholding in bed.
• They are likely to be misogynists who see women as either gold-digging whores or immaculate Madonnas.
• Narcissists are users, and they use sex, too. They use it as an extension of their ego, as a means of control, or even as a weapon.
• They are likely to push for sex after a first date. To accomplish that, they will simulate incredible infatuation and desire (“love bombing”).
• They prioritize their needs, and they only do what feels good to them.
• Sex with a narcissist can feel mechanical, disconnected, and detached. You may also experience a peculiar sense of emptiness afterward.

That doesn’t sound like a great lover, does it? And yet you can still be addicted to the sex.

The Main Reason Why You’re Craving Sex With Your Narcissist

Think back to the time you were together…What was it like? What were you feeling?

Did you feel loved, secure and happy?

Or did you feel chaotic — delirious one minute, devastated the next? Devalued and debased? Never sure of what’s next? Never receiving quite enough?

Your mental state during the relationship is the answer to why you craved (or are still craving) sex with a narcissist.

Imagine if you were starving, and then you found a piece of old, stale bread. That bread is the first food you’ve seen in weeks. With shaking hands, you pick up the bread and take a bite… And you think to yourself: this is the most incredible thing I’ve ever tasted!

Sex with a narcissist is a lot like that.

The narcissist keeps you in a state of near starvation. He (or she) is affectionate in the beginning. After the attachment solidifies, he will only give you crumbs of affection.

But you are so hungry and desperate for those crumbs, they feel amazing, delicious, and exquisite.

Combine that with a narcissist’s natural charisma and some trauma bonding, and you’ve got yourself a mind-numbing, spellbinding, oxytocin-powered addiction to a narcissist.

It can feel passionate, intense, and intoxicating… You can have real sexual chemistry with a narcissist.

But the one thing you can’t have with them is a genuine love connection. It will always feel empty.

And that emptiness will puzzle you at first. Here you’ve had a great bang, maybe with an orgasm or two. You should feel completely satisfied and happy. And yet something feels…off.

You can’t find a name for this feeling, so you try to shoo it away.

But it’s there, it’s always there. It’s like yearning for something you can’t define; a strange and awful longing that can never be satisfied.

And then you’ll realize — not immediately, but after some time had passed — that the “great sex” was just an illusion you created so you wouldn’t have to admit how lonely, confused, and scared you felt with a narcissist.

NEXT

A Child Custody Battle With a Narcissist: Best Strategies That Win Cases

10 Grave Mistakes to Avoid When Going No Contact with a Narcissist

10 Types of Women Who Attract Narcissists

Are Tattoos a Sign of Narcissism?