A narcissistic mother is a master of covert warfare. She’s so good that half the time you’re not even sure what’s going on. But you’re smart. You’re catching on. Here are 5 manipulative tactics a narcissistic mother uses to get under your skin.
5 Tactics Your Narcissistic Mother Uses Against You
1. Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is an adult tantrum.
Just like a toddler who throws a fit when she doesn’t get what she wants, a narcissistic mother gives you silent treatment in an attempt to control you.
It’s also a form of punishment.
And what do you know? Your mother is the queen of silent treatments.
It’s her favorite instrument of control. Assert yourself, get out of line, challenge her sainthood — and you’re dead to her.
That’s why they call it a “mental murder.” A narcissistic mother “kills” you in her mind, communicating that nothing you say or do matters and that you don’t exist to her anymore.
The worst part is, at some point, other family members (a.k.a. “the flying monkeys”) will get involved and start putting pressure on you to give in and apologize.
Example of This Behavior
Let’s say that you and your mother got into a fight over how you’re raising a child, or what you do for work.
She said a lot of hurtful things. But somehow she twisted the situation to make herself look like a victim. And then she simply stopped talking to you.
It can go on for weeks, months, even years! Until you apologize or make amends. No matter how insignificant or stupid the fight was, she will never try to make up or apologize first.
Just like the mean girls in middle school, your mother is doing this to have power over you.
Rather than admitting any fault or cooling off after a conflict, she ignores your needs altogether and expects that you will eventually cave in. This behavior is childish and manipulative.
How It Affects You
The silent treatment is one of the worst forms of emotional abuse. It’s meant as a punishment, and as such, it’s an instrument of control.
The silent treatment often leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and obsessive thinking.
Depending on how close you are to your mother, it can put you in a state of excruciating mental agony.
You may be feeling anxious throughout the day for no reason. You may be obsessively running the argument through your head, trying to “win” it.
Or you may be trying to contact your mother, only to realize she’s not responding at all.
This type of behavior is cruel and damaging to relationships.
How You Can Counteract This Behavior
Unfortunately, conflict with a narcissistic parent is not like arguing with your partner.
The problems you face with her aren’t clearly defined or easily solvable. That’s because what she’s angry about is often vague, and her logic seems shaky or absurd.
The point is, the issue isn’t you.
Her inner self is unstable, chaotic, and needy. And when her child makes any attempts at independence, she takes it as a personal attack against her.
So remember that her issues exist outside of your relationship with her.
Keep that in mind when you have a conflict with her. Stand your ground, but do so calmly, in a matter-of-fact fashion. She’ll try to provoke you to lose your cool and snap, but you stay calm.
It will accomplish two things. First, you will feel that you won that argument no matter how it ended. Second, if you were calm and respectful, then her anger cannot be your fault.
If she still claims it’s your fault, it’s because she cannot fathom ever being wrong about anything.
Remember, silent treatment is a form of punishment. But what a narcissistic mother doesn’t understand is that by trying to punish you she is only punishing herself.
2. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that makes a person question their reality.
In the 1930s film entitled “Gas Light,” the husband tries to make his wife lose her mind by gradually dimming the flame of the gas light, and making other subtle changes in their home. When she notices the change, he denies that anything is different, so she starts thinking that she’s going insane.
A narcissistic mother acts similarly. In fact, she has a black belt in gaslighting.
Examples of Gaslighting
For example, she’d said something that wasn’t true, and you’ve corrected her. She will respond with: “I didn’t say that.”
Even though she just said it and there’s no way to misinterpret it, she will deny it without batting an eye.
You might feel confused and bewildered by this turn of events. The conviction and the intensity with which she denies the truth are staggering, and often infuriating.
But to her, it’s like second nature. She will flat-out lie to avoid any accountability for her words or actions.
Her lies can be big — like denying that some of your childhood memories happened. Or they can be small and almost unnecessary.
Perhaps, the last time you saw her, she agreed to babysit on Sunday, but when you bring it up later, she backtracks and says, “No, you misunderstood. I meant next week. I’m busy all day today.”
While this seems fairly innocent, if done consistently, it can still hurt your self-esteem and self-trust.
Pretending to make a mistake is a form of manipulation in that you have no rebuttal. If you call her out on it, then you’re the bad guy.
This is narcissistic behavior that sends the message that you are not equals, and that you can never hold her accountable.
But her most insidious and damaging lies are the ones that contain mostly facts, except for some small detail.
And the way she alters or distorts that tiny detail changes the whole story. In this case, the gaslighting is particularly crafty, so you’ll be hard-pressed to prove it.
How It Affects You
Since gaslighting sends the message that you are always the wrong one, the gaslighting mother stays in total control. She can do no wrong.
It puts you in the position of having to feel guilty or inadequate. Or angry, if you’ve caught on to the fact that your mother purposely distorts the facts to make herself the innocent party.
This behavior creates an imbalance in the relationship because you are not being treated as an equal.
Moreover, it erodes your sense of reality, making you doubt yourself.
If gaslighting works the way it’s intended, eventually you’ll stop trusting your judgment, and let your mother dictate what’s real and what’s not.
How You Can Counteract This Behavior
Unfortunately, there’s no easy remedy for gaslighting.
It’s an extremely covert, manipulative tactic that can leave you feeling dizzy from all the lies.
That’s why the most radical thing you can do to counteract gaslighting from a narcissistic mother is deciding to trust yourself.
Making that decision in the face of elaborate, convincing, or outrageous deception is no easy feat. Still, it’s the only real defense against gaslighting.
Trust your truth, and stand by it. But don’t get into heated arguments over it. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
For more on this topic, read Gaslighting in the Family: 7 Ways to Fight Back
3. Guilt Trip
Guilt trips are a form of verbal or nonverbal communication in which a person tries to induce guilty feelings in a target, to control their behavior.
As such, guilt trips are a clear form of psychological manipulation and coercion (i.e. emotional abuse). However, we rarely think of guilt trips in such harsh terms.
A narcissistic mother uses the guilt trip tactic with incredible mastery.
It’s probably the most effective instrument in her tool belt.
This method works best with her biological children, but daughters- and sons-in-law can also be targets for guilt-tripping.
Again, it’s done to gain power and make the victim do what she wants.
Examples of Guilt Tripping
Perhaps your mother always says things like “You never call or come over. I’m not gonna be around forever, you know.”
Or, “I’ve been sick all week. Do you even care? Children are so ungrateful.”
Or, “This is the treatment I get after all I’ve done for you.”
If so, then your mother is sending you on a guilt trip.
In her mind, your independence is the source of her pain. So whenever you gain some distance from her or stand up for yourself, she sees it as a personal attack and reacts with guilt-tripping.
Another common reason behind a narcissistic mother’s guilt-tripping is jealousy, especially toward her daughter. So whenever she feels that you’re threatening her sense of superiority, she has to cut you down to size with guilt.
This puts you in the position of rejecting your needs and desires in favor of hers.
How It Affects You
Again, guilt-tripping causes you to see your independence as a source of your mother’s suffering.
You feel like you have to use extreme caution when you speak to your mother, or you will be made to feel like a bad son or a bad daughter.
This links your desires and needs to feelings of guilt, because every time you express them, your mother acts as if it hurts her, or that you’re being selfish.
Here’s a post that talks about this manipulative dynamic in more detail: 7 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent With a Martyr Complex
Eventually, it can cause you to forego expressing your freedom in favor of satisfying her needs.
Simply put, guilt is a prison that keeps up feeling small, bad, and unworthy.
How You Can Counteract This Behavior
Tell her that you do understand how important it is for her that you do the thing she’s trying to guilt you into doing.
Then explain that guilt trips make you feel resentful. She won’t like hearing it. She will likely get defensive. That said, she needs to hear that her behavior causes you discomfort.
Stand your ground with calm confidence. Losing your cool will only give her talking points against you.
4. The Blame Game
The blame game refers to a tactic that shifts the blame or any responsibility onto someone else.
Quite simply, it’s never her fault.
She feels that to admit error is to be weak, and showing weakness would undermine her superior status. Status is everything to her.
Your attempts to make her “see” your point of view will be met with hostility and monumental denial.
It’s not clear whether she’s unwilling or unable. But one thing’s for sure: she won’t take accountability for anything.
Example of This Behavior
The simplest example of this is: you and your mother had an argument. Although she’d said some hurtful and unfair things, she blames you and you alone for the blowout.
Or, let’s say your narcissistic mother wasn’t around much when you were a child. She had a busy social life and taking care of a kid just wasn’t her forte.
If you confront her about this, even as a joke, she’ll say: “Well, who could stand being around you? You were a very difficult child. I can’t tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep because of your cruel behavior.”
Here she kills three birds with one stone:
- she blames you for her own failure as a parent
- she guilt-trips you by implying that you caused her great suffering
- AND she gaslights you into believing that you were a problem child and that you alone bear the responsibility for the kind of relationship you have with her
Well done, mom!
How It Affects You
Since she feels that admitting a mistake is a sign of weakness, you may have internalized the idea that it is unallowable for you to ever admit fault.
If that’s the case, you may fall prey to the very same behavioral pattern, since you can never let your guard down.
This might make you more defensive in the long run, and less trusting of others. It may also make it difficult for you to have relationships based on mutual trust, respect, and accountability.
How You Can Counteract This Behavior
When your mother habitually blames you (or others), she’s essentially projecting her own emotions onto you. It’s like she blames you for all the things she is, and does.
Naturally, you’d feel offended and try your hardest to prove to your mother that she is wrong. If you do, you’re playing the “blame game” too.
Instead, disengage. What she says about you doesn’t define you. You are not a sum total of others’ opinions of you.
So if she is hurling ridiculous accusations at you, you don’t owe her proof that you’re innocent.
She can think whatever she wants. She can blame whoever she wants.
In the end, her toxicity will alienate everyone, and she will be even more miserable than she is now.
So be empathetic, non-judgmental, and don’t let her obnoxiousness blind you. It’s better to think, “It’s a shame she does this to herself,” rather than, “Gosh, I hate her so much!”
Don’t let her suck you into her negativity.
5. Triangulation
Triangulation sounds complicated but it’s really simple. It’s when you can’t or don’t want to talk to someone, so you use a third person to relay information to them.
In other words, triangulation occurs whenever a third person is involved in a two-person conflict.
Example of Triangulation
For example, your toxic mother triangulates you when she uses your sibling (a third party) to manipulate you. She’ll tell them to ask you to do something when it’s her who wants that done.
Or let’s say she’s angry with you, so she starts talking to other family members about what a horrible person you are, how you hurt her, etc.
These people will then act as her “flying monkeys” who’ll try to “knock some sense into you,” and convey the message that you are the problem, not her.
In another scenario, she’ll seek out people you don’t get along with, just so she can tell you: “So-and-so said this about you.”
She’ll put doubts in your mind about how people really feel about you, so you might feel threatened and alienated. This way it’s easier to crush you if you feel like everyone’s against you. Or to manipulate you under the guise of “concern.”
After her talks, you may start questioning yourself or the people close to you. This is your mother’s way of “dividing and conquering.”
How Triangulation Tactics Affect You
This can cause you to fight with the people in your life — siblings, friends, partner — without realizing that the real source of the drama is your mother.
She indirectly causes conflicts between people and gets off on the chaos.
So the most damaging consequence of your narcissistic mother using the triangulation tactic is the slow breakdown of the meaningful relationships in your life.
How You Can Counteract Triangulation
Triangulation is one of those things that’s hard to do to someone who knows what it is, and recognizes it when it happens.
So like with most cases of emotional abuse, knowledge is power!
Another thing you have to keep in mind is that your narcissistic mother is truly a puppet master at heart. She loves nothing more than to pull on those strings and make all her puppets dance.
So the worst offense you can commit against your narcissistic mother is to be independent and be your own person.
She wants you isolated and weak.
She wants you to be in a twisted, codependent relationship with her, where she has all the power, and you are simply the receptacle for her toxic emotions and numerous, exhausting, and chaotic needs.
If you’re aware of that, it’s much easier to see through her triangulation tactics.
Simply put, if she’s the only source of the information, don’t trust it. If you sense that she’s stirring drama and trying to pin people against each other, distance yourself.
It’s tough, and you will probably need multiple tries before you can learn to detach.
Remember, the goal is to learn to identify when you are feeding the triangle, and to disengage immediately.
And if you find yourself right in the center of the triangle and cannot help but be trapped in it, break contact for a while or politely suggest family therapy.
The Most Important Thing You Can Do to Counteract Your Narcissistic Mother’s Tactics
When it comes to narcissistic mothers, not much can be done to change them or even make them aware of their harmful behavior.
Ideally, you would want to go no contact. But blocking your mother from your life is a bit more complicated than dumping a bad boyfriend. It’s not always an option.
Still, there is something you can do, and that is to educate yourself. I’ve said it before but it bears repeating: knowledge is power.
Your mother thrives amid ignorance.
The sooner you learn to recognize her manipulative behaviors, the better you’ll be at counteracting them, and the less power she will have over you.
It’s not a solution (the only effective solution is no contact), but it’s a start. The start of you taking your power back.
If you want to learn more, here’s a more detailed post about dealing with a narcissistic mother: Coping With a Narcissistic Mother: 9 Tips to Heal the Damage
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How to Deal With a Difficult Parent: 7 Strategies to Keep Your Sanity
10 Grave Mistakes to Avoid When Going No Contact with a Narcissist
I’m a 45-year-old barely coming to terms I am the way that I am due to a childhood to adult years of abuse neglect and an extremely narcissistic mother. I have siblings that are outstanding children and I can’t begin to explain the hell I’m living dealing with this alone but being close to my mother and just not realizing that collectively as a family, all these terms, gaslighting, triangulation, scapegoat is my life in these articles. even at this very moment all these things are happening. I became suicidal and reaching out to my mother opening my heart out just seeing no into when I didn’t know was depression, her response was too 🙁 emojis. and then I didn’t hear from her for a month but that really put me in in to emotion of never felt I don’t know what to call it, but I just called to Uber and just went straight to a clinic. that’s not even the worst of it but that was 3 years ago and I’m in and out of therapy and medications but my family does not talk with me my mother will out of nowhere contact me and I’ll get all excited and just message her because she doesn’t call me but then of course not paying attention to anything she’ll just interrupt ‘ok go to go.’ I fall for it every time but this is all I know. I now recognize the patterns. it hits different reading this rather than sitting in front of someone. The psychology of all of it is fascinating, can I have a little relief because now I know it’s not me, I’m not stupid I’m us selfish I’m not any of these things. I just don’t know how to be anything. it’s really tough.
It’s interesting that there are so many “narcissistic” mothers when 1. Narcissism is far less common in females 2. Carrying a child requires sharing your physical body with another person, which is the antithesis of selfishness 3. Narcissists use projection as a weapon which means they accuse others of acting in their toxic ways. 4. Narcissistic traits are on the rise, which means younger people are more likely to have these traits than older people in our population. 5. Going “no contact” is a great way to disguise stonewalling.
This blog is written in the voice of a professional with a great deal of study to back up their advice, yet I can’t find any credentials anywhere. I wonder how many lives are negatively affected by faulty views and harmful influences given by people who are driving all out of their lane. Accidentally categorizing people who love you as toxic and cutting them out of your life is an incredibly self-defeating action. I hope your readers will carefully consider the long-term consequences before they take such permanently damaging measures.
Your response to this article is not entirely clear, but it seems that you are making an argument that mothers are incapable of being Narcissistic. You may be correct that the author does not have “credentials,” but that is merely an ad hominem attack on the author.
There is a disclaimer on the bottom of this page, so there is no misrepresentation going on. With regard to your feelings about the author’s qualifications, let me say simply that you don’t have to be a hen to know an egg. The article shares information that is widely discussed elsewhere. You have not refuted the contents of the article in a sound way.
If you had been raised in such an environment, the information herein would ring true.
These sick manipulative users don’t win in the long run. I understand that’s little consolation when once destroys your life and sense of self, I’m sorry… no one deserves to be dehumanized and abandoned after years of promises to that hurt part of yourself you exposed only to them. These are mentally I’ll people, i don’t expect any sympathy from their victims, nothing makes that pain any easier, please just know it’s not not your fault for loving a broken a person. Happy Holidays, truly wishing you the best, to have the sweetest dream and wake up with a sense of wholeness within yourself even if you still feel so broken ❤️♾
Hello, I just want to say thank you to the author of this article! This helped me so much. My childhood has been full of walking on egg shells when around my mom, being blamed for anything that came to her mind, being triangulated, gaslit, and so on. This year we had a good talk and everything seemed to finally become better. But! When things go well in my life, it seems that it takes only some time for her to intervene again and create chaotic situations. A while ago, I would have been so emotionally hurt and not able to live my life normally. Now, I am still hurt, but I have so much more knowledge about her narcissistic abuse, that I will not let it define my day and my life in general. I am thinking of breaking up contact. It will hurt a lot as I always had the desire for a good relationship with my mom. But instead of having the same desire, she gets offended and jealous when things are going well for me. If I keep contact with her, I feel like it would be a vicious circle of me giving my best for the relationship and her destroying it again and again. But I will not let her rule my life like this any longer.
All the best 🤍
Oof, this is way too relatable. We’re planning on cutting her off when we finally have the opportunity to move out. We need that relief now more than ever. It’s been what feels like eons. We just need to be financially stable and find a good job (even if it’s just a temporary one). We need a breath of fresh air. She abused just about everyone in the family (emotionally). She mocks her friends too when they aren’t around (it’s extremely nasty).
Not sure how she’ll take it when we do cut her off (we’ll play it by ear), but too bad. We’ve been through absolute hell and back (panic/anxiety attacks). She had a very tough childhood, but that’s by no means an excuse to treat others like crap, you know? Listening to music, drawing, writing, going for long walks in nature, as well as spending time with pets does wonders. We can do this. Giving up was never an option. Talking to others about it helps.
After a lifetime of abuse by my highly Narcissistic mother, I could not understand why, when things were going sort of OK for a while, she suddenly turned on me in a verbally violent manner, followed by the worst things from the Narc playbook.
It turns out, she had just had a blowup at her primary doctor’s office and demanded that she take her medical files with her. I am now convinced that he recognized her personality disorders, which threatened her. Because of her emotional instability, she took it out on me.
Well, she died shortly thereafter. Not before she had time to rewrite her will. I was disowned (not too much of a surprise).
It’s too bad that I did not run across these websites that described her mental illness until about 3 yrs after she died 6 years ago. I would have subpoenaed her med files and contested the will because she was, quite frankly, a highly disturbed person when she altered Dad’s and her original will. Unfortunately, here in New Jersey the doctors are only required to keep files for 7 years.
Hi Rick,
I’m sorry you had to go through the abuse, and on top of it, lose the rights to your inheritance. This is very much in the narc mom repertoire, to threaten to disown or to go ahead and disown.
It’s tempting to think how everything could have been different if you learned of her disease sooner. Certainly, I can relate. But I’m convinced that learning isn’t accidental. we learn when we are ready to learn, and not a second sooner. You may not have medical confirmation of your mom’s disorder, but you now know enough to start unpacking your childhood and healing.
Wishing you well,
Lana
It’s almost always possible to go “no contact” and get away from a narcissistic mom. It’s been 5 years for me, and I am the most free now than I have ever felt before in my 49 years. She was selfish, cruel, and loved to unsettle me any chance she got. She especially tried to ruin special occasions.
When her “therapist” reached out to me 4 years ago because my mom wanted to provide an explanation, my therapist asked her one question – Is she willing to apologize for any of her behavior. She said no, as if that were a completely absurd question.
It’s a long road to recovery, and I’ll probably be on it for the rest of my life, but it’s worth the journey so that I can at least spend what time I have left on earth in some kind of peace. Best wishes to you all who are suffering the way I have suffered. My only advice is to get psych help for yourself, and don’t give your narc mom any more precious moments of your life.
I have had to go “no contact” only because after 50 years of being extremely scapegoated, I am feeling physical effects from all of the anxiety, the hurt from all of the manipulating, the realization that I don’t mean s**t to my mother. You just don’t do certain things to people who you supposedly care about. She cannot be talked to about it because she will deny everything and make it all my fault, just like every narcissist does. The hardest part is not thinking about the many hurtful things that have happen because I know I will never get her to even acknowledge that she has hurt me to the core. I am at least making an effort to look forward and leave all that b.s. behind.
I can relate. It’s difficult after 50 years of manipulation, hiding the truth and wondering why it took this long for to finally stop going along with this. It’s very hurtful.