In fairy tales, a grandmother is a warm and fuzzy creature that acts as a mentor to the young protagonist. She is a silver-haired benefactress full of wisdom and kindness (think: fairy godmother).
But what if your kids’ grandmother is more like the witch from “Hansel and Gretel?”
You might be dealing with a “difficult” or narcissistic grandmother who has become a toxic presence in your life, and now in your children’s lives.
In this article, we’ll talk about
- how to spot a narcissistic grandmother
- the specific ways she can hurt your children
- and what to do about her.
The Telltale Signs of a Narcissistic Grandmother
Not all narcissists are created equal. There’s considerable variation in the presentation and severity of the symptoms.
But if you suspect that your children’s grandmother is a narcissist, there’s a good chance that she:
- has strong controlling and manipulative tendencies;
- is good at pushing buttons and causing drama;
- never takes responsibility for any wrongdoings;
- might have anger issues (“narcissistic rage”);
- might have drug, alcohol, or other addiction issues;
- plays the victim to gain sympathy and support;
- is incapable of respecting your boundaries;
- has a way of being hurtful without being obvious about it;
- has given you the silent treatment on more than one occasion;
- always puts her needs above everyone else’s.
For more ways to spot a narcissistic grandparent read Toxic Grandparent Checklist: 10 Signs That There Is a Problem
You might be thinking: these behaviors aren’t cool, but they’re not necessarily damaging to the children. It’s more about adults not getting along.
It may seem that way at first. But just because it’s not immediately obvious doesn’t mean it’s harmless.
Let’s take a closer look at some specific ways a narcissistic (or any Cluster B personality) grandmother can hurt your children.
1. Lashing out
When the grandchildren are small, the grandmother may seem like the best grandma ever: attentive, generous, and caring.
But as they grow up and start asserting their individuality, the grandmother will become more distant and punishing.
Depending on how much the grandchildren deviate from her idea of what they should be and on her particular brand of narcissism, she will either lash out covertly or overtly.
If she’s a covert narcissist, her anger will be passive-aggressive. She might avoid the grandchild for a long period of time, criticize them, or unfavorably compare them to other kids.
If she’s an overt narcissist, she’ll have angry outbursts. Mind you, narcissists rarely show their true face in public. So the rage episodes will take place behind closed doors. This way she can still maintain the image of a perfect grandmother.
How it hurts your kids: studies show that kids who are frequently subjected to angry outbursts grow up more aggressive and depressed. “Anger has a way of undermining a kid’s ability to adapt to the world,” says psychologist Matthew McKay, Ph.D.
2. Using grandchildren as “narcissistic supply”
Children are sweet, innocent, and easily deceived. They can’t fathom yet the concept of duplicity. That’s why kids are easy targets for a narcissist.
Also, children typically love their grandparents. It’s not uncommon for a child to develop a special bond with one of the grandparents — a bond that transcends life and death.
Even if the grandparents are manipulative, abusive, controlling, and vain –children still adore them. That makes them the perfect source of narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic supply is the narcissist’s enormous need for attention and admiration.
As long as the grandchildren put the grandmother on a pedestal, she loves them. But when the grandchildren stop being her obedient little angels, the grandmother withdraws her affection.
So a narcissistic grandmother’s love for her grandchildren isn’t selfless. It’s very self-serving.
How it hurts your kids: a narcissistic grandmother will only spend time with her grandchildren when it fulfills her narcissistic needs.
Sooner a later your children will catch on to the fact that they’re just props for grandma’s massive ego. How do you think it will make them feel?
3. Picking favorites
True to her nature, a narcissistic grandmother will pick one child out of the litter and crown him/her as her favorite.
She will project all her grandiose self-deluded ambitions onto the said child, making him/her a mirror of her greatness.
How it hurts your kids: it can cause strife between siblings and cousins, make the “scapegoated” children feel like they’re not good enough to be worthy of grandma’s love, and put undue pressure on the “golden child” to meet the narcissist’s high expectations.
4. Being verbally abusive
Verbal abuse comes in many forms. It can be as obvious as yelling, name-calling, or teasing. But it can also be more subtle, almost subliminal.
Narcissistic personalities thrive on tearing people down to elevate themselves. Unfortunately, grandchildren are no exception.
How it hurts your kids: persistent verbal abuse is extremely detrimental to a child’s self-confidence, well-being, and development.
A narcissistic grandmother might not register verbal insults or jokes as abuse, but it is, and it’s eroding your child’s self-esteem.
5. Being physically abusive
Physical abuse includes hitting, slapping, spanking, pinching, pushing, throwing objects, and other forms of physical intimidation.
A narcissistic grandmother might subject your children to physical violence (especially during episodes of narcissistic rage).
However, most narcissists prefer more subtle forms of abuse — it’s easier to get away with.
How it hurts your kids: Mountains of research show that not only is physical discipline ineffective, it causes massive emotional and psychological damage.
For a more in-depth look at the effects of physical abuse, read Physical Discipline: The Toxic Effects of Hitting a Child
6. Mistreating other people in front of your children
Narcissists do not treat people well, generally speaking.
There will be some exceptions to this rule (they’ll love their flying monkeys, for example), but to a narcissist most people are garbage.
They’re either “below” them, so they deserve no consideration. Or they’re “above” them, in which case the narcissist envies and despises them.
How it hurts your kids: it may not seem like a big deal, but it is. Children emulate the behavior of adults. If they see their grandma being rude, obnoxious, or inconsiderate of other people, they will learn that it’s OK behavior.
7. Manipulating and lying to your children
A narcissistic grandmother essentially views her grandchildren not as individuals, but as extensions of herself.
So she will use all sorts of manipulations to mold them into the perfect little marionettes who will do whatever she wants.
How it hurts your kids: If given free rein, she will extinguish their true identity, teach them to bury their feelings, and base their self-esteem on how well they can please others.
For a more in-depth look at manipulative maternal figures, read 20 Heartbreaking Signs of a Manipulative Mother
8. Disappearing
A narcissist’s relationships are extremely fragile, especially with the people who know them for who they really are.
That usually includes their children, a.k.a. past victims of narcissistic abuse.
So whenever she’s mad at you or your partner (or both of you), she will punish you by cutting you off. And that includes your children — her grandchildren.
How it hurts your kids: if the grandkids are used to seeing grandma all the time, and then suddenly she disappears from their lives, they will feel hurt and confused.
They will struggle to understand how someone who loves them can suddenly just stop seeing them. That’s because they don’t know one simple truth yet: narcissists don’t really love anybody.
9. Demanding admiration and obedience
A narcissistic grandmother sees herself as “the queen,” and everyone else as her loyal servants. That is especially true for her children, although the grandchildren are not in a much better position.
As long as everyone behaves the way they’re supposed to, she is content.
How it hurts your kids: a child feels that he or she is not allowed self-expression.
They learn that being obedient little monkeys gets them love, praise, gifts, etc.
But if they dare to offer a different opinion or disobey the grandmother, they will be instantly devalued and discarded.
This type of dynamic can cause your children to develop low self-esteem, fear of speaking out, and a marginalized sense of self.
10. Neglecting your children
So far we’ve discussed overbearing, controlling grandmothers who want access to their grandchildren.
But there is another type of narcissistic grandmother: a neglectful grandmother. Since she only cares about numero uno, she might ignore your kids entirely.
She’s always too busy to babysit, she doesn’t care about seeing their pictures or hearing about their latest milestones, and she just considers them an annoyance. Perhaps, that’s what she was like as a mother, too.
How it hurts your kids: that depends on how often your kids are in contact with the indifferent grandparent. If they see her once or twice a year, that can be of no major consequence.
But if they are regularly exposed to this type of attitude, they will hear the message loud and clear: you are not good enough or important enough.
Kids internalize these kinds of messages.
What can you do about a narcissistic grandmother?
If you were raised by a narcissistic mother, you probably felt pretty powerless growing up.
You were not special, you were not important, and you were not celebrated the way a child should be celebrated.
It was all about her.
It took you a long time to recognize the abuse. Many people in your position never come to that realization.
You’ve come so far. Perhaps, you even had therapy or done some other self-healing work. You should be proud of that.
But now that you’re a parent, it’s all coming up to the surface again, and you can’t ignore it.
When you see your mother around your kids, you get triggered. You get scared for your kids. And you feel that you have to do something to protect them from her.
This is the most difficult part. You might be used to the abuse and tolerate it to a certain degree. But watching your kids be subjected to it — that’s something most parents are not willing to do.
You might be asking yourself: will my narcissistic mother hurt my children the way she hurt me? Can she intentionally cause them harm? Should I eliminate contact with her?
All families are different, and there isn’t one cookie-cutter answer to these questions.
You have to make your own judgments based on the severity of the narcissistic symptoms you observe, or what you experienced as a child.
Some of the options you might consider are:
- setting boundaries (rules for what you will and will not accept)
- allowing supervised visits only
- trying family therapy (if the grandmother is open to it)
- talking to a family law attorney
- cutting all ties with her.
Whatever you choose, remember: never underestimate a narcissist’s capacity to wreak havoc on the lives of the people around them.
They thrive in chaos.
They need chaos.
Make sure you protect your children from that chaos.
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2004 lost muy 2 oldest daughter in guardianship case yo A narcisist Grandmother. Its A long story and many years ago but till this day hurts very much. Im not a Ángel but a good dad I was. Babys mamá abandons 4 kids 2.youngest mines and our newest daughter lived with me. Grandma.calls me.tells me how and what happend. I was at work. I moved.back in to.their house after ex and I were.done. I was to pick them up that Eve. “Its late they have school tomorrow just leave them here for a few days” Next “you know your staying with your parents you have the baby what not leave them with us till end of school.” I was very greatfull for Grandma being so helpful. We did.not know the where abouts of her daughter, my ex, oh well. Next. “You know I need something showing I am.carring for them in case of A emergencia or something” in A very sweet and carring Grandmother. Next I get a calle. “I have the paper for you to sighn in case of a emergencia” she comes over has this paper that started “I such and such with A AKA of such and such. “Hola on why does It read the AKA”? I didnt sighn said she would write another. Few days later. Leaving for a.job she calle.says she has It. Told her Will go by. LONG STORY SHORT SIGHNED SOMETHING TOTAL DIFERENT THAN WHAT WAS WRITTEN. FRONT PAGE OF A PACKET. COURT ITS A LONG STORY. JUST SUCKS HOW SOME ONE DO THAT ALTER LIFES MY KIDS LIFES AND GET AWAY WITH THAT. ITS BEEN WHAT 20 YEARS. No ONE knows.what realy went down because of MY deportación come to find out like 6 or 7 years ago stepson accused me of sexual molestation. Something He couldnt remember cause It never happend. Grandma did a lot of lies Fake documents uses MY daughters to make plan work. Stepson is gay. This narcisist Is Cristian. She does not acepta gay life styles. (To each his own) she would be a failure at raising the kids. Mind you there were 4 kids total. She had to pin on me. Ive Made up MY mind to expose her befor either of us pases. Im going to récord a video and say my side never have but I must even if MY daughters get upset I have yo because It eats me up inside. I wasnt perfect but I tried. No one can play god and manipulate and alter ones life. I Will link the video when I do It. I have many years of wanting to.and I Will soon thank you
After reading this article and after having reached out repeatedly with no response from the parents and next to no contact with two of my grandkids, I realize I’m powerless to change the situation, that the rejection hurts too much and all I can do is keep sending gifts and money while making it known I have to protect my own mental health and detach enough to stay in touch, but face the reality that I cannot be invested without mutual effort.
I admit, I am guilty as charged according to the article. I own it. I am a narcissistic grandmother.
Sending gifts and money is a hoovering tactic and if your the narcissist you claim you are then I’m sure your bring up later all the things you’ve done “out of the goodness of your heart” no doubt. No one wants presents from a narc, they just want actual empathy, respect and connection,not materialism.
I am a product of two narcissists one of which is a narcissistic sociopath….. my child is six, trying very hard to cut ties and do no contact…. because of all the grooming when I was a child it’s very hard to rise above what I was taught and to actually have the motivation and the knowledge that I am able to do it on my own…. I am absolutely petrified I see the treatment my child is going to receive…. just trying to save my money to get out at the state and away from these people for good…. i’m 40 and just doing it…. I should have gotten to this a lot sooner…. unfortunately my child has been witness to his narcissistic behaviors, trying to Convince her father of the threat is almost as hard it is moving out of state
I had to decide to cut off my narcissistic mother in law for my own sanity. Some people will just bring out the worst in you. She loves to push my buttons and cast judgment and insults, all while doing so in a calm voice. That’s what really rattles me. I learned that they create confusion by doing this and gain more “power” when you react. My voice matches my emotions (how dare I). So as my blood pressure rises with each jab she throws my way, so does my voice…and suddenly I feel and sound irrational, or like the one with issues. It’s absolutely exhausting! I know now not to give her much of me. An occasional response back to her texts asking to FaceTime my young kids is as far as I go. I have tried to allow her into our world fully, but it has just not been healthy. My biggest concern is that when my children are teens she will have groomed and manipulated them to the point that they feel they can trust and run to her whenever their dad and I tell them “NO” to something that is unsafe or not in their best interest. Even if my MIL silently agreed with us, she is the type to tell them to “just come live with me dear” (where everything is fun and roses, ha). I know this is a ways into our future and presumptuous but HOW do I prevent this from happening without deciding to cut her out of my children’s lives too? I feel like a bad person if I do this and that it’s not fair to my kids…or is it?
I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the education I just got from reading about Narcissistic Grandmothers on this website. I wondered what was so wrong with me throughout my life. My mother constantly degraded me right to my face so much so that even when I became a new mother to a beautiful daughter my mother would always look at her and say, “ Oh how beautiful she is, this is the baby that should have been mine.” I would stand there in awe of such a comment! I actually didn’t get what my mother was saying to me! I was too naive to understand that she was announcing her rejection of me right to my face! All I knew was that there was something odd about her comment. I wondered if my mother was saying that she loved her new grandchild as much as I did. Now that I read your intense article on this subject it showed me that a narcissistic mother will stop at nothing when it comes to abuse. I paid a hefty price for being her daughter and only child. It has taken years of therapy and rehab for DID to recover from all her abuse. I’m still learning about this subject and how it damaged my daughters . Thank you for sharing this information on the Web.
We have the same mothers. I’m sorry you had to go thru that. My final straw was last night. I went no contact with her a few months ago but let her speak to my kids (12y0 son and 9yo daughter). She came over last night after my daughter’s bday party at 7:30 knowing the party was over and the kids start getting ready for bed at 7:30. I avoided her and went to our shed. She refused to go into the house and told my son I said she was not allowed in the house. A total lie.. My son came to me crying his eyes out begging me to apologize and make up with her. Then she sends my daughter to spy on the conversation between my son and I. She is now not allowed to speak to my kids although she does not know yet. Your mom will not change so protect your kids now. I should have gone no contact years ago and now my kids are paying the price.
My mother had 2 daughters. My sister was the golden child. I was the scapegoat. When I had my son my mother would say,”he’s really my son she just carried him for me”. It took me years to see that was just another slam from mom.
I have a narcissistic mother. She was verbally abusive my whole life. Manipulated every. Situation possible to make her look good and me hurt. I walked away when I was 52. I had 3 adult children and had been through therapy to gain the strength and wisdom to walk away.
Ten years later, my mother started up again. She hired people I didn’t know she knew to start the same manipulative stuff. She paid people with cars, trucks, four wheelers, she hired some of my co-workers, my mother and father in law, my youngest daughter and her narcissist husband. They went through my locked home unwelcome, put substances on the furniture, my shoes and clothes that made me sick. She had bankers, attorneys, Doctors, employers, all working for her. People she hired gave me something that made me fall unconscious and I was taken to the ER by ambulance. The Dr would not listen to me, but I did need to be admitted. That night a Dr came to my room at 3 am to say, don’t say you were given something they all think you are crazy. I filed a report at the sheriffs office the next day. They would do nothing, they said I have mental illness. I went to a psychiatrist and took a MMPI as well as a Milon test which both came back stable and normal. I went to the FBI and State Dept of Justice. I believe from what a Special Agent said to me, there are organized crime organizations that no law enforcement agency wants to get involved with. So, We need to have someone trust worthy be in our home if we need to leave. My property, 1 acre is constantly sprayed with chemicals that kill some plants, or stops others from blooming. Every tree we ever planted here has been killed or damaged. Police will not come investigate, they tell me to see my mental health provider. If they know so much about mental health shouldn’t they know about narcissistic behavior?
I need to try to forgive my daughter for what she’s done and work on trying to rebuild a relationship with her. My MIL passed away, very suspicious the details surrounding her death and how everything on her computer was erased. My mother is 90 years old. My wish is this will stop when she passes but my heart tells me she has more hate and evil standing in the wings when she’s gone. She even has a threat on my minister, tears run down his face and he says I can’t talk about it. It’s very sad.
It’s difficult to have a powerful family. I had a narcissist mother who was also a diplomat and had access to many powerful people.
It’s called ORGANIZED GANG STALKING.
I have been where you are. My mother has passed. I have some peace….but my sister and children carry on the tradition of abuse unfortunately 🌸
You are writing about my life.. thank you. I grew up in a very abusive home, as a child you think its normal. I was the codependent son seeking love from my narcissistic mother. I was never enough, never said “I love you” never hugged me.I got so used to that idea, as I got older, I seeked out destructive toxic relationships with narcissistic women. I met one just like my mom..fell headfirst. Tried to start a family.. we brought a beautiful girl into the world. In less than a year.. our family was discarded. I have been raising our daughter on my own for 11 years. I have sacrificed everything in my life to give my daughter a better life than I had. I have to break the cycle for my daughter.
Thanks this has helped me.
Hi Nick,
thanks so much for sharing. When I’m reading your story, all I see is how far you’ve come. You have some challenging beginnings and patterns that carried over into your adult life. But you have already started changing them, just by being aware of those patterns and emotional wounds. AND by choosing to give your daughter a different life, a different environment growing up. Your love and care is all she needs. Your mom couldn’t give that to you; but now you’re breaking the cycle and starting a new cycle. It’s a beautiful thing 💞
You’re a brave And strong human, be proud. But I know the aftermath of the narc, is sometimes harder than the childhood we endured. Cause bad attention is still attention yeah? No. You’ll find someone as giving and loving and understanding as you are. I wish I could find someone 🙂
Hi! I read your article a few days ago and can completely relate to it as I am a grandchild of a narcissistic grandmother myself. In my case, my grandmother can be very negative at times and as a result is very downgrading for my mother. My mother’s siblings, on the other hand are either treated like gods (golden child was your phrase mentioned) or live to please my grandmother. In this way, we have a very unstable relationship as a family. Recently, we discovered that my gran had NPD. We decided to ask my grandpa if we could do family therapy together, but he just swore and turned our back on us ever since. My grandparents still want to call us often, and I am not sure how to respond to them as our relationship isn’t that strong. Please can you give me advice on how to answer them and treat them on such occasional calls? Thanks
Hi phoenixash2000,
nobody can be forced into therapy, unfortunately. Particularly not narcissists. So it doesn’t surprise me that your suggestion to do family therapy (which was the right instinct, by the way) wasn’t taken very kindly.
If you do want to continue contact with your grandparents, you need to navigate that relationship on your own terms. What do you want it to be? How many times do you want to talk to them? Which topics are off-limits? For example, if they start denigrating your mom, you could set a boundary there by letting them know that you’re not OK with this type of discussion, so it’s a non-starter. Don’t allow them to manipulate you with guilt. You don’t owe them anything. A relationship with you is a privilege, not a right.
Treat them with respect, but keep an emotional distance. Talk to them, but don’t allow them to turn you into their toy. Don’t get into deep topics. Don’t divulge personal information that they could use against your mom or you. In other words, keep it cordial, sweet, and short.
Hope that helps! You got this.
Sincerely,
Lana
Thank you so much. Had to distant myself from my son. I had no understanding about this subject until now. What a blessing this information has been. Thank you again. I am in a very bad situation.. this will help. I. Wonder how much I contributed to the problem?
Hello! Thank you for this article, it was comforting to me as it reminded me of why I ceased contact with my mother last summer. I wondering if you could point me to any articles or offer any advice on how to discuss this topic with my son. He just turned 3 and I know he is confused but he doesn’t ask me about it. There was an incident that led me to my decision (for good this time, no hopes of things getting better) but I don’t want to say “Grandma was mean to me so we don’t see her anymore”—that seems even more confusing but I can’t think of anything else to say!
Hi Mel,
thanks for sharing. You know, what you’re asking about is very challenging. I wish there was a guide to how to talk to your kids about this stuff but there isn’t. There’s also no perfect way to do it and no universal way to do it. It all depends on your situation, the age of the child, but more importantly, on their level of maturity. Sometimes young children can be incredibly perceptive and bright. Other times, grown adults fail to understand simple concepts.
I would say in your case, a 3-year old is probably too young for the real discussion. Also, I know from personal experience and from statistics on this subject that cutting ties with a parent, especially a mother, is so difficult. People often go back and forth, even if they are sure of their decision to maintain no contact at the moment. I’m not saying this is your case but before you talk to your son, consider the possibility that you might reconcile with your mother.
Also, and — I don’t know if it’s right but this is what I would do in this situation — if your son isn’t asking you, maybe leave it be? I have a 4-year old and we go through periods of no contact with my in-laws. And I have to tell you, at first my daughter asks about grandma once or twice, but then she completely forgets about them. With young children like that, it’s truly out of sight, out of mind.
Now, when your son gets older, I certainly encourage you to talk to him with as much honesty as you can give him, or whatever is right for his maturity level.
Sincerely,
Lana
Hi, How to claim in court for child custody from narcissist grandparent.
Hi Archana,
Here’s a post that deals with this issue in detail: A Child Custody Battle With a Narcissist: Best Strategies That Win Cases
Lana
When I talked to a therapist about my mother, she said she would have to report me to CPS if I allowed my mother to be alone with my kids because she was a toxic narcissist. I decided to stop contact with her, so she went to court to try to get custody of my kids saying I was unfit for cutting her off. So beware of narcissistic grandmothers.
Hi DJ,
Thanks for sharing your story. This is crazy! I’ve never heard of a therapist threatening to report a client to CPS if they allowed contact with a narcissistic grandmother. That’s a new one. They’re obligated to report child abuse or neglect but saying you have to cut contact or she will report you – that sounds iffy to me. But regardless, I do agree that narcissistic grandmothers are extremely manipulative and they can do a lot of damage. If your mother tried to take your kids away from you, I’d say cutting contact with her was a good call. Hope you and your children are well and safe,
Lana
This is my mother, down to a tee (she’s the neglectful type – her grandkids are an inconvenience). I’ve for a long time figured out something was wrong with her, but only just realised that the ‘wrong’ is NPD. I’m the black sheep, she has 2 flying monkeys and a golden child. I’ve had to learn that my siblings are unfortunately trapped and I cannot be their saviour. Fortunately my kids have seen her for what she is too, for a long time, and don’t like her – making our job easier – she’s done us a favour by cutting off contact twice (we are heading towards a third), and that has done the requisite damage to their relationship with their grandchildren, that’s meant that we haven’t had to bad-mouth them. Thank you, for putting this in very simple terms, I wish I’d found this before all the bigger explanations of NPD as a teaser.
Fred,
you’re so welcome 🙂 I agree with you, it’s best not to badmouth the grandparents regardless of the relationship you have with them. The kids will figure it out when they’re old enough. Or, like in your case, your kids already know who they’re dealing with.
I’ve been there myself – with a narcissistic mother-in-law cutting off contact. Each time it lasted for about a month until family members pressured her (and us) into a quasi- reconciliation. Every time she cut off contact, it extended to her grandchild, too. But I find that with her, it was meant to be a punishment, not a true cessation of contact. Perhaps, you’re in a similar scenario. Still, it’s nice while it lasts!
Lana
I really need help on how to help my son understand why he won’t be seeing his grandma as much now. She’s becoming so controlling. If he doesn’t do what she wants. She gets mad! She’s got him now to where he’s afraid to tell them how he really feels. He’s such a sweet child. But doesn’t understand
Thank you for this article. I have read so much about narcissistic mothers, but was unsure how my mothers personality disorder would affect my unborn child and how I could protect it from her. Your article was the perfect answer that I needed, so I can prepare myself to what might come. Thank you!
You’re so welcome! I find that there is a tendency to underestimate the harm a narcissistic mother can do once she becomes a grandmother. But people don’t magically change. A narcissist is still a narcissist. Brushing it under the rug and pretending everything’s fine isn’t going to do anyone any good.
But I think you’re way better off if you are prepared and informed, so you know to correct certain behaviors before they become a bigger problem.
Good luck to you! You’ll be a wonderful mom 🙂
Lana. I have to say you are really helping people here. I found you just when I needed you. No artsy fartsy explanations. You just say it how it is. Like so many on here responding, I feel weight off my shoulders and hope that my flying monkey father and two golden child siblings will read this. Not sure how to contact my father as we had a close relationship until the last 10 yrs when I started to realise there was something wrong with her behaviour towards me. And brought it up. You know her extreme reaction! She’s a narcissist martyr.. We’ve always been on and off… Which she controls. Has had control of pH and all finances and every step my father takes forever. Do you have any suggestions on how I can speak to my father (we are 500 kms apart thanks to her.) without getting him into trouble as he isn’t allowed to speak to me or she doesn’t tell him I called him I’ve called (she won’t even let me talk on his bday and doesn’t tell him I called. Or is it best I leave it up to dad? He has become completely worn down by her for almost 50 years he’s broken. I guess it’s easier for him to keep the peace.? How do I get my dad and siblings to wake up? I don’t feel they even comprehend what I’m saying