When we talk about toxic grandparents, we usually mean controlling, manipulative, or narcissistic individuals who want to be in their grandchildren’s lives. But there is another type of grandparent that isn’t so grand — the indifferent type.

This post will discuss

• signs of indifferent or neglectful grandparents
• possible reasons for the grandparent’s indifference
• how to cope with an apathetic grandparent.

Signs of Indifferent Grandparents

Indifferent grandparents generally show no interest in being in their grandchildren’s lives. The degree of indifference differs but most apathetic grandparents exhibit the following signs.

1. They are always too busy.

There’s always something going on in their lives that’s more important than the grandkids.

2. They never offer to babysit.

Babysitting isn’t something that the grandparents “owe” to the parents; it’s a gift, and hopefully, a joy. But some grandparents are never in the gift-giving mood.

3. They show no interest in their grandchildren.

They show no interest in seeing the grandkids’ pictures or hearing about their latest milestones. That can be particularly hurtful to the parents who feel the pain of rejection in the grandparent’s indifference.

4. They don’t make any effort to spend time with the kids.

It’s not just babysitting. These grandparents aren’t interested in spending any time with the grandkids.

5. They’re often annoyed with the grandkids.

When the kids are around, the grandparent just considers them an annoyance. Think of a grumpy grandpa who always tells the kids to be quiet and stop running around.

6. They don’t try to have fun with the grandkids.

They won’t take them to the park, the zoo, the beach, etc. In other words, they don’t try to make memories with the grandkids.

If they feel they have to make an appearance, they’ll just sit on the couch and wait for when they can make an excuse and leave.

7. They don’t know anything about the grandchildren.

They don’t know the grandkids’ birthdays, favorite foods, toys, or anything else about them. Cute details that delight other grandparents leave them unmoved.

8. When they come to visit, they act cold and distant.

Apathetic grandparents don’t play with the kids or read them stories. They might politely ask some questions, but that’ll be the extent of it.

9. They cancel visits.

Indifferent grandparents habitually cancel visits, often at the last minute. At some point, you just stop expecting anything from them.

10. They can be verbally abusive.

They speak of grandchildren in derogatory terms (brats, crybabies, monsters, pests). Verbal abuse is just one of the ways they show disregard for the grandkids.

11. They were neglectful parents.

Perhaps, they were indifferent as parents, too. It’s common for a parenting style to become a grandparenting style. So if they were neglectful as parents, they won’t be much better as grandparents.

Why Indifferent Grandparents Don’t Care

There may be many reasons for this. The most obvious reason is that your parent doesn’t want to be a grandparent.

One of the most virulent grandparenting myths is that parents, especially mothers, can’t wait to be grandparents.

And that as soon as they hold their grandbaby in their arms, they are entranced by the most intense, blinding love they ever experienced.

In reality, parents might feel reluctant to be grandparents or resist having a new responsibility.

Another factor is age. The grandparent may not feel ready yet for that role. Television and books portray grandparents as silver-haired, wrinkly old folks who like to share stories about the “good old days” and complain of drafts.

But the grandparent demographic has changed. Nowadays, a typical grandparent’s between 40 and 60 years old, with the average age being 47 years old!

Modern grandparents are younger than they used to be. They have active lifestyles, careers, social engagements. They like to travel, take hot yoga classes, play golf, and do other things they didn’t get to do when they were busy raising kids.

They’ve done their part. They fulfilled the societal obligation to become parents. And now they’re done. The last thing some busy grandparents want to do is spend their weekends babysitting, dealing with tantrums, or cleaning up messes.

As one grandparent survey revealed, more than a third of grandparents agree with the statement, “Now that my own children have grown up, I want a life that is free from too many family duties.”

Some reluctance is understandable. Who wants to become a grandma at the peak of their lives?

But when there is a pattern of dismissal, avoidance, or alienation on the grandparent’s part, it’s a problem. Especially if it makes the grandchildren feel abandoned or rejected.

A grandparent like that is indifferent and cold. They have a wall around them that keeps people – not just grandchildren – away.

They see spending time with their grandchildren as a waste, and they act irritated and bothered if kids approach them. Overall, they reject any attempt to engage them in meaningful interaction and remain distant and aloof even with their closest family.

Total indifference is likely to be the case when a grandparent has features of a psychological disorder.

For example, a narcissistic grandparent may “love” the grandkids only if they reflect her own grandiose self-image. If they don’t, she’ll be cold, disapproving, or distant.

Or she may be indifferent to grandchildren altogether because she is too self-centered, and she resents them for taking her attention away from her.

The reasons could also be belief-based. For example, a grandparent might not acknowledge or accept grandchildren who are not biologically related to them (adopted), grandchildren of a different race, grandchildren who are mentally or physically challenged, etc. Needless to say, this is just plain wrong.

The reasons are many – some are more nefarious than others – but the result is the same. The grandparents are absent from the grandchildren’s lives and show little to no interest in being a grandparent, period.

How Indifferent Grandparents Affect Grandkids

Whether or not the kids are affected by the grandparent’s indifference depends on each family’s circumstances, values, and lifestyles.

If the grandparents live far away and the kids barely know them, it’s unlikely to be a big issue. To them, those grandparents are strangers.

On the other hand, kids who regularly see their grandparents will be more sensitive to their lack of interest.

But no matter the circumstances, it’s usually the parents who are hurt the most by the grandparent’s indifference. Here’s one woman’s account of her apathetic in-laws, and how it affects her:

“It breaks my heart to see the kids try so hard to gain your attention – you don’t ask, but they flood you anyway with stories about what they have been doing at school and their achievements, and I sit watching in despair as you nod but show little interest.”

If the kids are regularly exposed to this type of attitude, they will hear the message loud and clear: you are not good enough or important enough for me to care about you.

Children always internalize these kinds of messages. They may feel rejected, discarded, unworthy, or unlovable.

How to Cope With Indifferent Grandparents

If a grandparent shows a complete disregard for the grandchildren, it’s better for everyone if they’re not around. And hopefully, your children can still enjoy a loving connection with another set of grandparents.

So, staying in touch with your extended friends and family circle is very important in this situation. Indifferent grandparents may not want to be your children’s family, but other people do.

Kids benefit from being a part of a “village”. They need love, support, patience, laughter, joy, and attention. They need to be a part of the community. If not grandparents, it can be aunts, uncles, cousins, friends from school, etc.

So if you are dealing with an indifferent grandparent, don’t spend your days lamenting why they are this way, or how to get them involved with the grandkids.

Focus on the people who do want to be in your life and your kids’ lives.

Strengthen your connection to them.