Even the most well-meaning grandparents sometimes overstep their bounds. That’s OK. Grandparenting isn’t an exact science and it involves a learning curve, just like parenting. But there are certain things that grandparents should never EVER do, no matter how well-meaning they are. Here are 11 of them.
1. Overrule the parents
Have you ever been in a situation where you tell your child something, and then your parent or in-law overrules you? So you stand there, flabbergasted, and they’re completely oblivious to the fact that they’ve crossed a line?
If you’re dealing with a toxic grandparent, I bet it happened to you at least once.
For example, you told your child: “No more sweets,” and your mother says: “Oh, you never let her have any treats. One more is OK.”
When a grandparent overrules the parents, it can mean a few things:
- they’re confusing grandparenting and parenting roles
- they have a controlling and overbearing personality
- they’re testing your boundaries
Whatever their reason, address the overruling as soon as possible. Preferably, not in front of your children.
2. Interfere with discipline
Grandparents may feel that
- the parents are being too harsh with the grandchild
- the parents are being too lenient with the grandchild
- or they’re using the wrong discipline methods.
Yet it doesn’t give them the right to interfere. Matters of discipline are strictly the parents’ domain.
In the best-case scenario, interfering in discipline will be perceived as annoying. In the worst-case scenario, it will cause long-term resentment.
So if your parent or in-law jumps in to “protect” their grandkid when you are setting limits or imposes their views on punishment, set the record straight before it causes a bigger issue.
3. Pass judgment on the parent’s choices
Although grandparents can be a valuable source of advice because of their rich life experience, parents have the final authority on all matters that concern their children.
Most grandparents understand that. But others pass judgment on their children’s parenting choices because they’ve raised their kids differently.
Generational differences in views and opinions are inevitable. However, it doesn’t mean that the grandparents have the right to judge or disapprove, especially considering that their beliefs are often outdated.
There’s aged wisdom, and then there are old wives’ tales. You don’t have to repeat their parenting mistakes.
Maybe your mother-in-law believes that breastfeeding your son past the age of 1 will make him a pervert. Or maybe your father believes that sparing the rod spoils the child.
They can have those beliefs privately. But voicing them creates unnecessary friction and discord in the family. It also makes the adult children feel like their parents don’t think of them as good parents.
4. Ask the grandchild to lie or keep a secret
Grandparents often have special relationships with their grandkids, and it’s a beautiful thing.
Many of us have warm memories of times spent with our grandmothers and grandfathers.
In a world full of rules and demands, grandparents can be a precious source of unconditional love and gentle guidance.
It’s OK for a child to have that special relationship with a grandparent. And it’s OK for them to want to share something with the grandparent that they don’t want to share with their parents.
But it’s not OK for the grandparent to involve the child in a deliberate deception by asking to lie or keep a secret from the parents.
For example, when the grandparent disregards the parents’ rules about bedtime, diet, or screen time, then says to the child: “Just don’t tell your parents. It will be our little secret.”
Again, it’s a huge violation of trust. It also teaches the grandchildren that lying or keeping secrets from parents is OK as long as no one finds out about it.
5. Berate the parent(s) to the grandkids
It’s never OK for grandparents to badmouth the parent(s) to the grandchildren.
It’s so bad that even the law recognizes it as an offense.
In a recent (2017) case, the court blocked a grandmother from being alone with a grandchild after she made degrading remarks to the child about the parent.
So if the law acknowledges the harm a grandparent causes when they expose grandchildren to trash talk about their parent(s), it should be a no-brainer.
6. Treat the grandkids differently
The heart loves who it loves. There is no sense in denying that some grandparents (and even some parents) love one child more than the other(s).
Maybe it’s their first grandchild (always special!), the first boy (or girl), the youngest one, the one they spend the most time with, etc.
You can’t judge a feeling.
But it’s one thing to have a favorite grandchild. It’s another thing to flaunt that affection at the expense of other grandchildren’s feelings.
Grandparents should never treat their grandchildren differently, even if they feel differently about them.
7. Demand (more) grandchildren
The grandparent may feel that it’s a harmless request. Who doesn’t want (more) grandchildren? But in fact, it’s tactless and intrusive.
The decision to have (more) children is strictly personal. And unless asked, a grandparent should never EVER offer their opinion on the matter. Or worse, put pressure on their child and their spouse to procreate.
If the couple is struggling with infertility, the grandparent’s input, no matter how well-intentioned, can only be hurtful and insensitive.
If the couple chooses to be childless or to have only one child, the grandparent’s urging is annoying and meddlesome.
8. Ignore the parents’ instructions
Parenting today is so different than what our mothers and fathers considered good child-rearing practices.
Today’s parents are more conscious of the child’s dieting choices, emotional needs, and physical boundaries. After all, we have all the information we may need at our fingertips.
So as a rule, modern parents are more educated and research-oriented. They have the luxury of 24/7 access to all of the human knowledge. Their parents didn’t have that.
Before, parenting was a matter of tradition; emulating established practices. Modern parenting is more about learning new and better ways.
So when a grandparent chooses to ignore the parents’ instructions because they believe they know better, it’s almost never the case.
And even when it is the case, undermining the parents is the wrong way to go about making your point.
Grandparents should respect the parents’ rules, or risk never being trusted with childcare again.
9. Lament that the grandchildren never call/visit
Normally, grandparents long to see or talk to their grandchildren. But in some twisted minds, it’s a child’s responsibility to keep in contact with them.
So when they don’t get that constant reassurance of their grandkids’ love, they act hurt, disappointed, and start laying on the guilt trips.
- “Oh, you never call or come over”
- “So-and-so’s grandkids send her letters every week and I never hear from you”
- “I’m not going to be around forever, you know”
Though children love their grandparents, they may not be the best when it comes to maintaining contact, especially if the grandparent lives far away. Children are more about connecting with people in their immediate circle.
A grandparent should not be taking it personally. Instead, they should try reaching out more consistently rather than just waiting to be contacted.
10. Be inappropriate with the grandkids
Oftentimes grandparents (and especially great-grandparents) will demand a kiss or a hug from a grandchild despite the child’s reluctance or even active protests.
It’s usually done with no ill intent. However, it’s a form of physical boundary-crossing.
Kids have different temperaments and needs. Some children may be affectionate with their grandparents, giving them hugs and smooches, or jumping on their lap.
Others are more reserved, introverted. They may need more time to get used to people (especially if they don’t see the grandparents often). Or they are uncomfortable with physical displays of affection with anyone besides mom and dad.
Whatever it is, the grandparent should never push a child into physical proximity if the child doesn’t want to. It sends the wrong message: it’s OK for an adult to violate your physical space, and you have to go along with it.
11. Use discriminatory language around the grandchildren
Grandparents are from a different era. They grew up in a time when prejudice was so embedded in society, it was considered a norm.
Now that our society is changing, they may have difficulty adjusting to the more progressive views of the modern world.
But just because they don’t agree with what’s going on today doesn’t mean that grandparents can use racist, homophobic, transphobic, or chauvinistic language around their grandchildren.
The grandparents should also refrain from gender stereotyping. For example, calling a granddaughter bossy, rude or disrespectful when she stands up for herself, but praising the same behavior in a grandson.
NEXT
Indifferent Grandparents: Signs and How to Handle the Disappointment
10 Signs Of an Angry Grandparent (And How to Talk to Your Kids About It)
Thank you for this post. I was an abused child who thought my grandma didn’t get the chance to be my grandma, so I made her promise me that she would be there for my daughter. She spent fifteen years buying my daughter everything I couldn’t and ignoring my son compleltly. My daughter suddenly abandoned me four months before her sweet sixteen after being a single mom her entiire life. My grandma supplied her the phone that she spent fifteen years crying in her ear about how horrible her mom was. She was punishing me for my mothers sins because my mom got pregnant by her little boy and she never got over it. Even though she used to beat my dad with extension cords and left him with his drunken abusive father. She brainwashed my daughter to hate me while I was working to provide for her. My daughter spent fifteen years sleeping in my bed and kissed me good bye one day and has never spoken to me again. One day. She was gone. Now the only reason I saw passed my childhood hell is gone and I hate myself for things that I didn’t even do.
Unforutunatly it’s only been the past 5 years at the most that I have recognised and had to realise that my mother ticks these boxes . I was doing the checklist every day for a couple of years , but each time every box ticked ! . My daughter is now 19 and is compeletly groomed and manipulated . This hurts so very much and I’ve no idea what I can do about it ? Any advise is extremely grateful .
My late maternal grandfather when I was a teen, took both my sister and I out to a farm to catch some yabbies (a little like very small lobster). He’d crouch down to pull the net and EXPOSE himself because he didn’t wear any underwear!
This man went on to abuse me sexually!
I went no contact the first time from mother due to the lack of respect surrounding my children and how I parent them. I was unfortunately hoovered back in as they used my husband to pull the strings – he has since seen sense!
I went no contact immediately after the following even of which I will share.
My mother loved to be needed (as narcissistic parents tend to). My estranged father had passed away after attempting to hoover me back to tell him if he was a grandparent or not after more than twenty years after he wrote me a letter to tell me I was no longer a member of his family. I had to take my two younger children down with me which was difficult because I would have rathered them stay home with their dad. He was busy working and couldn’t hold the fort. Anyway, my son who was eleven at the time and my little daughter who was 2 came with me to stay at my mum’s.
Before I left for the funeral the next morning, I reminded my mother that my son needed to complete his homework and practise his music BEFORE playing with the miniature train set that my stepfather had set up. When I arrived home after a day of high emotion and alot of driving, I got out of the car to some very passionate trombone playing and immediately I suspected that she had not respected my requests as the parent. I came in, sat down with a cup of tea where I had just put my feet up and asked why my son was playing in such an emotive manner. She went in, said something I couldn’t hear from that room but the next thing I heard WHACK! and of course my son howled the house down.
Cup of tea abandoned I got up fast and raced in to ask her why the hell she’d done that? “Oh it was just a little tap.” she said. “MUM! You hit my child! That’s abuse! How dare you call it a little tap when I heard it from the other room! I could call the police over this! You have abused my son!” Her reply was “Go ahead then!”. I instead turned my attention to my boy and tried calming him down. “You’re sending him mixed messages Tamara.” She taunted as she walked up and down the hallway in front of the doorway to the bedroom. I kept trying to calm him down when she said “Grandmother’s take precedence!”. That was the last straw! I told me son to pack his stuff because we’re going. I packed the majority of our things, bundled the children into the car and drove the five hour journey all the way home just to get my kids to safety. As I was getting into the car though, she was there on the porch telling me “You’re not always right Tamara.” I said nothing! I just got into the car and left.
I went back a month later. I told my baby to stay there in the car and that I will be very quick. She (God bless her) didn’t complain. I went and knocked on the door where my flying monkey of a step father answered the door. “I’d like to come and get the rest of my things if that’s ok.”. He obligingly let me in. I walked into the family room on the way to collect the rest of my things (the portacot, mattress and a bag of less necessary items). I was fully prepared to talk to her but as I said “Hello!” She immediately folded her arms with a sulky expression on her face “Just keep walking, get your stuff and get the heck outs here Tamara” I whispered under my breath.
As I was packing my things, the flying monkey came to deliver a lame form of hoovering. He told me that my grandfather (yes the abuser) had been in hospital ALL WEEK! Wow! I thought, that’s nothing! My father’s dead! I thought to myself as I kept packing my things.
I made sure that I removed everything in one load so that I didn’t have to go back to receive more lame excuses for contact. I took the key off of my keyring and left it on the cabinet in the entryway and took all my things to the car, packed them in, got in the car, checked on my daughter who smiled and looked just fine. We then left and never went back! It’s been 5 years since that event and it has been THE BEST decision I had ever made. The safety of your children is PARAMOUNT and it doesn’t matter WHO gives the abuse, NO ONE has the excuse to abuse a child! NO ONE!
My son is now 16, my baby now 7. My son didn’t get the scholarship but still attends the school. My daughter is also now in full time education. My eldest daughter, who was at boarding school at the time was told what had happened and was brave enough to tell her grandmother personally that she is going no contact. She was 14 at the time which is a really difficult thing for most teens to do. But to actually be able to identify the toxic nature of her grandmother is something cool! I’m so proud of my children for the fact that they all have their own identity, something of which my mother never wanted for me.
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My parents are awful at a lot of these
things. My dad starting getting high with me when I was 15. Has been a drinker as long as I’ve known him my mother too. I have ADHD and depression. diagnosis as a child. My son has adhd also. Anyway long sad story short I went through hell before I finally got help for myself and have been seeing a psychiatrist for 7 years now. I live with my parents now while filing for disability. My kids are here 3 days a week. No matter what I say they won’t stop interfering. And I just don’t know wat to do. I know it hurts the kids. I resent my parents badly. I forgive there screwups during my childhood. But I want better for my kids. Thanks for this article.
Hi Jason! You’re so welcome 🙂 I don’t think anything will change while you’re living with your parents. Living together is a situation where it’s very hard (although not impossible) to establish boundaries. However, I commend you for getting the help you needed. It truly takes a lot of courage and commitment. And it was very big of you to forgive your parents for your childhood. You’re on the right path. Keep going and try to show your kids how to deal with these kinds of people and situations in a mature, conscious way.
Sincerely,
Lana
my sister’s daughter has a son who won’t mind his mother and when she yells at him my sister tells her grandson if he did not listen to him mom she will get a hold of him and make him mind i think she is way out of line i think she needs to let her daughter do what she has to do because her grandson is not her son my mom said i used to tell your nieces what to do when they were little and i watched them well that is different his mom is in the house and she has to make his butt mind i think my sister has a freaking problem she gets on my butt for calling him a brat and i am a grown up myself
We have 8 grandkids. Your advice and opinions are horrible.
The only people offended by what I write are the people I write about. Cheers!
As a grandparent who lives with and helps care for them believes you have hit the nail on the head. Even though they are with me most of the time, I still tell them let’s see what mom thinks. Thank you for your article.
Yes indeed!
I agree with just about everything except #9. I think you’re waaaay off base on that as well as the praise you give today’s society for knowledge when most parents are both working and the schools and day cares do most of the child rearing. I think you missed that too! God luck as you mature and realize some of thoughts may not have any merit.
It’s only natural to change some of your positions or beliefs as you mature or become exposed to new information. It means you’re still learning; you didn’t become close-minded. So I fully expect to change some of my points of view as I get older. However, I stand by everything I said in this article. Thanks for reading, Mike.
Wow! That’s passive aggressive.
First, if you don’t resonate with her advice then why are you reading it? Second, apparently you found some truth in this article because it pushed your buttons enough to write this comment.
Maybe you do need her advice after all?
I feel sorry for your son or daughter then, and I hope they limit their time around you. My mother does most of these and it makes me miserable, hence why I’m here. You’re likely a troll, but what kind of weirdo trolls a parenting post?