Did you experience sexual abuse at the hands of your grandfather?

Over the years of writing this blog, a number of women shared with me their stories of being sexually abused by their grandparent.

At first, these stories stood out as bizarre and shocking. But the more I learned, the more I realized that grandfather sexual abuse isn’t rare or bizarre. It’s more common than people think.

I also learned that the victims of this type of abuse are often dismissed as liars or pressured to keep quiet to protect the family.

This isn’t unique to grandfathers molesting their grandchildren. Any type of intrafamilial child sexual abuse is usually hidden or rationalized to preserve the status quo, however dysfunctional it may be.

But there is something particularly sinister about a grandparent hurting his grandchild, and the family refusing to recognize the harm.

So this blog post is dedicated to all the victims of grandfather sexual abuse: I see you, I hear you, I support you.

Your pain is not invisible. You are not a liar. And you did not bring it on yourself.

In this blog post, I will address

• what exactly is child sexual abuse
• what is intrafamilial child sexual abuse
• how common is grandfather sexual abuse
• why grandfather sexual abuse is so hidden
• what are the characteristics of sexually abusive grandfathers
• how to heal from grandfather sexual abuse

What is Child Sexual Abuse?

Simply put, child sexual abuse (CSA) is sexual activity with a minor.

One in 5 women and 1 in 13 men report having been sexually abused as a child.

A common misperception about child sexual abuse is that it only refers to having sex with a child.

In reality, it is much more nuanced. It encompasses

• sexual acts involving penetration
• sexual contact such as touching and fondling
• exploitation involving harassment, prostitution, or trafficking
• taking inappropriate photos or videos of a child
• exposing a child to sexual imagery or pornography
• exposing oneself to a child
• communication of a sexual nature.

In other words, involving a child in any sexual activity — be it physical or nonphysical — constitutes child sexual abuse.

Note that having a child’s “consent” is irrelevant here because legally, an underage person cannot consent. So any sexual activity with a child is coercive and an abuse of trust.

What is Intrafamilial Child Sexual Abuse?

Intrafamilial child sexual abuse (or incest) is sexual activity with a minor that happens within the family. The abuser doesn’t have to be a blood relative but someone a child identifies as a family member.

For example, it could involve

• parent and child
• parent and adopted child
• stepparent and stepchild
• grandparent and grandchild
• uncle/aunt and niece/nephew
• siblings

According to research, approximately 30 percent of all child sexual abuse is intrafamilial.

Child Sexual Abuse by a Grandfather

Grandfather sexual abuse is a type of intrafamilial abuse where the perpetrator is the child’s grandfather or stepgrandfather.

It accounts for about 10 percent of intrafamilial child sexual abuse cases.

However, like any type of incest, it is often a “dirty secret” families don’t want to acknowledge, let alone report.

So we can never know precisely how many kids are being sexually abused by their grandfathers.

But we do know that it is a horrific ordeal that robs the child of her innocence, her trust, and her faith that the world is a just and safe place.

We also know that abusive grandparents share a number of common characteristics. Here are some facts based on a study of 95 grandparent sexual abuse cases.

• Although women can be sex offenders, the vast majority of sexually abusive grandparents are male, and the vast majority of victims are female.
• Sexually abusive grandfathers are more likely to abuse their stepgrandchildren, and the abuse is more violent.
• Sexually abusive grandfathers often use threats and physical dominance to silence their grandchildren.
• The abuse is most likely to occur when the grandfather is entrusted with childcare, especially during sleepovers at the grandparents’ house.
• Sexually abusive grandfathers are likely to have had multiple child victims.
• Many sexually abusive grandfathers sexually abused their daughters as well.

Another study concluded that grandfather sexual abuse is not a “gentle” form of abuse, as previously believed, and that adult victims of incest are justified in preventing contact between their children and the incestuous father.

Why is Grandfather Sexual Abuse So Invisible?

As it stands, as long as violators keep sexual abuse within the family, the chances of repercussion by anyone is pretty low. Wives won’t leave violating husbands, mothers won’t kick their violating children out of the home, and violating grandparents still get invited to holiday dinners.

― Rosenna Bakari

Like any incest, grandfather sexual abuse usually stays hidden and the perpetrator is not reported to the authorities. There are many reasons for this. Let’s explore some of them.

1. Internalized shame. There is a stigma attached to intrafamilial child sexual abuse, including grandfather sexual abuse. Stigma refers to the shame and disgrace people associate with sexual abuse in the family. That means not only the grandfather perpetrating the abuse but also his victim and the entire family feel ashamed, which often prevents them from coming forward or confronting the abuser.
2. Family reputation. In the misguided attempt to protect the family name rather than the child victim, family members will often take the side of the abusive grandfather. They will either outright deny the abuse or minimize it. For example, they might say: “Oh, he’s from a different generation” or “He doesn’t understand what he’s doing” or “He’s just playing with you.” In some instances, they will even blame the child for the abuse.
3. Grooming. Like any sexual predator, an abusive grandfather will often groom the child (and the whole family) to enable the abuse. That includes exploiting his position of authority as an elderly family member, fostering an emotional bond with the grandchild as well as other family members, and gradually normalizing inappropriate behaviors. If the grooming is successful, sexually abusive grandfathers will often escape suspicion for years and even decades.
4. Gaslighting. Gaslighting is one of the most common techniques used by abusive individuals to confuse, disorient, and silence their victims. Its end goal is to make the victim question their version of reality and develop a deep mistrust in their own instincts. For example, a sexually abusive grandfather may convince his grandchild that the abuse didn’t really happen, or that they somehow invited it by sending the grandfather sexually suggestive signals. 

Are Sexually Abusive Grandfathers Pedophiles?

Not necessarily.

While child sexual abuse is certainly fueled by pedophilia, an argument can be made that it is often a crime of opportunity rather than a conscious sexual preference for children.

Like other sex offenders, sexually abusive grandfathers prefer victims who are weaker, smaller, easy to manipulate, and unlikely to report the abuse.

Grandchildren (and children in general) are perfect targets because they can’t always understand what is happening to them and they don’t have the vocabulary to name it.

Even if they do disclose it, the culture of shame and silence around the abuse protects the abuser, not the victim.

That is not to say that all grandfather sexual abuse is opportunistic. Some grandfathers are pedophiles, in which case the grandchildren were probably not their first victims.

Healing From Grandfather Sexual Abuse

Child sexual abuse is a profoundly traumatic experience that leaves deep scars on the survivors. Arguably, it’s most traumatic when it happens within the family, with a person who’s supposed to be safe.

Not only that, the added complexity of a familial relationship often makes the survivors feel as if they were complicit in the abuse.

Sexual abuse by a grandfather follows the same pattern. The affection grandchildren typically have for their grandfathers makes the abuse a confusing, bewildering, and devastating experience. In many cases, this type of experience creates the “abuse is love” blueprint in the child’s mind.

If you’ve been a victim of child sexual abuse at the hands of your grandfather, you’ve come to the right place. The journey to healing from grandfather sexual abuse is a long one, but with the right support and resources, you can mend your inner child and reclaim your sense of self. Here are some suggestions for starting this journey.

1.    Acknowledge the Abuse

As I’ve mentioned, grandfather sexual abuse survivors often struggle with feelings of shame, guilt, and confusion. So the first step in the healing process is acknowledging the abuse. Let’s establish some facts:

• What you’ve experienced wasn’t love or the eccentric antics of a senile old man
• The fact that your abuser was your grandfather and not a stranger doesn’t make it any less painful or real
• Any kind of sexual abuse is traumatic to the child, whether or not penetration happened
• It was not your fault, period
• Even if you believe you’ve consented to the abuse or enjoyed some aspects of it, it was NOT YOUR FAULT. Any sexual activity with a child is intrinsically coercive and a violation of trust.
• Whether or not you disclosed the abuse at the time it was happening, later, or never, you are not to be blamed for it. It was not your responsibility as a child to stop it.

2.    Nurture self-compassion

You did what you had to do to survive the abuse.

But you also had to deal with its long-term impact. You may have engaged in self-destructive behaviors or done other things you’re not proud of. Know that they were informed by the trauma you’ve experienced.

Work on forgiving yourself for anything you might have done in the aftermath of the abuse.

Foster a sense of empathy and self-compassion.

Learn to treat yourself with kindness, patience, and grace.

Remember: healing is a gradual process. Give yourself time and space to move through it without judgment.

3. Seek Professional Help

This may be an obvious one but many survivors choose to forego therapy because they believe they’re “over it” and there’s no need to dwell on the past. In most cases, it’s a defensive reaction and an indication that trauma work is in fact needed.

Working with a professional who understands the impact of trauma and has experience treating child sexual abuse survivors can provide a safe space for exploring your emotions, addressing trauma-related symptoms, and developing coping mechanisms.

4.    Build a Support Network

Healing from grandfather sexual abuse is going to be one of the most difficult things you will ever do. You will suffer emotional turmoil, and you will need a strong support network to get through it.

This support might not come from your family. 

In fact, there is a high chance that your decision to disclose or even acknowledge the abuse will cause a rift in the family. Some members might empathize with you and others won’t. It’s especially difficult if the grandfather had passed away since then.

Whatever the case may be, you can still find a support network. It can be as simple as having a good friend you can talk to when you feel overwhelmed.

You can also join local support groups or survivor communities that will fully relate to the experience of being molested as a child. Sharing your story and getting validation from others who have undergone similar trauma can foster a sense of belonging and help you feel less alone.

5.    Education and Empowerment

Learning about the effects of child sexual abuse and its long-term impact can help you better understand your experiences and navigate your healing journey.

The old adage – knowledge is power – is particularly true in this case. Your self-empowerment comes through education, awareness, and developing a sense of agency.

There are many insightful books on trauma. One of my favorites is Peter Levine’s “Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma.” This and other books addressing childhood trauma or child sexual abuse can be instrumental in your healing journey.

6.    Establish Boundaries and Safe Spaces

Being a survivor of child sexual abuse can have a profound effect on your personal life. You may struggle with building healthy relationships, establishing boundaries, and recognizing abusive patterns. Sexual re-victimization is also common among abuse survivors.

So rebuilding a sense of safety and control is a crucial part of the healing process. You will need to learn to establish clear boundaries in relationships, recognize triggering situations, and create safe spaces where you feel secure and empowered.

7.    Cultivate a Sense of Meaning

Numerous research findings show that discovering and fostering a sense of meaning can be transformative for survivors of abuse or any type of trauma. That’s why engaging in activities that bring you joy, fulfillment, and purpose can help you rewrite your life story and accelerate your healing process.

Meaning is subjective. Find what makes your life feel meaningful and pursue that. It can be creative outlets, hobbies, volunteering, supporting other survivors, etc. It can be anything that makes you feel connected and engaged.

Final Thoughts

Although abuse does take place in public settings such as schools, churches, youth centers, etc., child sexual abuse is most common within the family.

Out of all reported cases of intrafamilial child sexual abuse, about 10 percent are cases of grandfather sexual abuse.

Healing from child sexual abuse at the hands of a grandfather is a courageous journey that requires time, support, and self-compassion. By acknowledging the abuse, seeking professional help, building a support network, practicing self-care, educating oneself, establishing boundaries, and cultivating meaning and purpose you can gradually reclaim your life and find a way to move forward.

References

Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.

Margolin, L. (1992). Sexual Abuse by Grandparents. Child Abuse and Neglect, 16(5), 735-741. 

U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics. (2000). Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement.

Whealin, J. (2007). Child Sexual Abuse. National Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, US Department of Veterans Affairs.