We all assume parental love is a given, but that’s a myth. Parents who don’t love their children are more common than we think.
If you grew up with one of those parents, you went through unimaginable pain.
Every child has a vital need for a genuine, loving connection with the parents (especially the mother).
When a child catches her parent’s loving gaze on her, she knows she is loved — deeply, passionately, unconditionally.
This is the foundation of her self-esteem, her self-image, and all her future relationships.
Deprived of such a connection, that foundation is shaky.
When a child doesn’t receive unconditional affection from the parents but instead receives disapproval, anger, impossible demands, and empty gestures, she learns that she is unloveable.
If you can relate, you might have had an unloving parent. This article describes 6 types of unloving parents. So…do you have a parent who
- is incapable of love (disturbed)?
- is too sick to love you (depressed)?
- only loves you when you reflect positively on them (narcissistic)?
- is too mad to love you (angry)
- only loves you when you do what they want (controlling)?
- only loves their “favorite child” (preferential)?
See if you recognize them in the descriptions below.
Then read on to find out the 5 essential things that will help you heal from this painful experience.
The Screwed-Up Parent
When I was a child, I was obsessed with dogs. It seemed like I could tame even the wildest, meanest pup with a gentle word and a kind touch.
Until I got bitten. That’s when I learned that some dogs are just too damaged and unpredictable to be around.
Just like a damaged dog, a screwed-up parent is too f***ed up to love, period.
I’m talking about sociopaths, psychopaths, people suffering from chronic alcoholism, severe drug abuse, or some other severe psychiatric or neurological disorder that renders them emotionally unavailable and destructive.
These people were never meant to be parents, and yet, in our crazy world, they are given that opportunity.
You may hear about these parents on the news — those who kidnap, kill, or commit horrific acts of violence against their children. But most of them abuse their children in total anonymity.
This happens more often than you think.
Each year, there are over 700,000 confirmed cases of abuse or neglect in the United States.
In over 80% of these cases, parents are the perpetrators (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2016).
And keep in mind that these statistics are underestimated because many cases go unreported, and abuse is almost never a singular incident.
Typically, it’s chronic and involves more than one form of abuse.
The parents who commit terrible crimes against their children are afflicted by an extreme pathology that most likely stems from their own deep-seated trauma.
“Hurt people hurt people.”
They might be sadists, pedophiles, wife-beaters, sex offenders, etc.
They do not love their children because they don’t know what love is.
The Depressed Parent
While the screwed-up parent is incapable of love, the depressed parent is too sick to love.
It’s possible that they were once a happy, well-adjusted person, and a loving parent.
But something happened — a personal tragedy, perhaps, or an insurmountable challenge that proved too much to cope with, and they became a hollow vessel, an empty bodysuit that was once a person.
The depressed parent’s emotional range is extremely limited. They don’t feel love, hate, sadness, or anger. They don’t feel anything.
And that’s the scary thing about depression. It isn’t about feeling unhappy.
When you are unhappy, you can see yourself being happy again. You know what you want to happen for you to stop feeling unhappy.
But a truly depressed person is unable to even imagine a future where they feel happy. Their world is so bleak that they see no hope.
They might’ve had a habit of staring into a distance for hours or staying in bed all day, simply because they saw no point in getting up, eating, talking…
If you grew up with a depressed parent, you grew up with a ghost. You probably remember your parent being quiet, detached, and unmoved by anything that’s going on around them.
Sometimes they could barely register your existence.
In other words, they were emotionally shut down, which felt like they didn’t care about you. But unlike some other types of parents on this list, it wasn’t their fault.
Depression is a devastating illness. It can be a serious lifelong condition or a passing phase. Either way, it’s very treatable when addressed professionally.
If you or someone you know suffers from depression, don’t ignore it or hope it’ll get better on its own. Seek help.
The Angry Parent
Growing up with an angry father, I could just tell when his anger was about to explode.
He would get quiet, and the air around him would get punctured with dread. His eyes would get dark and very still, and the next moment he’d either scream with the rage of a mental patient or slap me in the face.
I remember how terrifying it was, to experience the wrath of this 6 ft. tall man, and how small and ashamed I felt afterward. There are no words to describe this terror and the self-hatred that followed.
If you grew up with an angry mom or dad, you know what I’m talking about.
Unlike a depressed parent who feels too worthless to offer their children anything of value, an angry parent believes they are an exceptional parent with so much to give.
These parents yell because they care. They hit because they care. They vandalize a child’s self-esteem because they care.
Yet this type of parent cannot and does not love their child. How can they? They’re too busy flying off a handle at every real and imagined transgression.
Pretty soon the relationship between a child and an angry parent becomes tense, fearful, and insincere.
The child reacts by shutting down, and any semblance of love between the two evaporates.
Related: 10 Signs Of an Angry Grandparent (And How to Talk to Your Kids About It)
The Narcissistic Parent
Most people have children with the intention of loving them with all their hearts.
But to some, parenthood is just another way to boost their damaged egos.
A narcissistic mother or father sees their child not as an individual but as an extension of themselves.
Love never really enters the equation. Not in the way most people understand love, anyway.
A narcissistic parent can only love a child that’s a perfect mirror of their own self-image.
If a child mirrors his negative traits or doesn’t inspire pride in whatever way the narcissist imagines his child to make him proud, the parent perceives it as a failure and a betrayal.
For example, if a narcissistic father sees himself as a great athlete, he will “love” an athletically gifted child. Meaning, he will love seeing the reflection of his own athletic greatness in his son or daughter.
But if a child doesn’t show great promise on a football field, the narcissist will react with sharp criticism, disappointment, and rejection.
Related: 21 Gut-Wrenching Lies You Learned From Your Narcissistic Parent
Even if the child is gifted in other areas, it wouldn’t matter to a narcissistic father. In his eyes, the child failed and shamed him. And since failure and humiliation are unacceptable things that drive narcissists insane, the father will try to symbolically “erase” the offspring that let him down.
So the narcissist needs to live vicariously through the child who fulfills his desires.
As long as the child allows the parent to indulge in that fantasy, the narcissist will “love” their child. But when the fantasy is over, so is the love.
To learn about dealing with a narcissistic mother, read Coping With a Narcissistic Mother: 9 Tips to Heal the Damage
For more about the psychology of narcissism, check out 20 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Narcissism
The Controlling Parent
A controlling or authoritarian parent needs to be in total control of their children.
Quite often a controlling parent feels out of control in one important area of their life (at work, for example).
So they will channel that feeling of impotence into their parenting style, trying to regain a sense of control by being a strict parent.
Like a narcissistic parent, this type of parent only loves their children when they’re the perfect version of what the parent wants them to be. In this case, obedient automatons.
A controlling parent will make all the choices for their children, including personal ones like choosing their profession, friends, and even a future mate.
And if the child makes different choices or challenges the parent in any way, the parent reacts with rage, and then rejects the insubordinate child.
They think that they’re acting in a child’s best interest; protecting them from the mistakes they’re sure to make. But it’s all ego-driven.
In their distorted view of a parent-child relationship, a parent is always a mentor, and a child is always a passive recipient of parental wisdom.
When the child disobeys, the mentor has to discipline the child to put him back on the right path.
There are many marks of a controlling parent. For example, he (or she) might insist that the child addresses them by “Sir” or “Ma’am,” or in some other redundantly formal way to convey their superiority further.
They may use threats or other intimidation tactics.
A controlling parent may even get physically abusive at some point.
And the more the child resists being controlled and manipulated like a marionette, the meaner the parent becomes.
Simply put, a controlling parent will go to any lengths to make sure their child is under their thumb, always.
The Preferential Parent
The preferential parent is a parent who loves one child, the “golden child,” but doesn’t love the other (or others), a “scapegoat.”
This difficult parent-child dynamic is most typical of families where one or both parents are narcissistic, but it’s not exclusive to narcissists only.
A preferential parent will triangulate her children into a competition for their affection, encouraging ongoing conflict, envy, and jealousy.
Oftentimes, the choice of which sibling the parent bestows their love upon is completely arbitrary.
It can also switch over time: the sibling that was the “favored child” in childhood becomes a “scapegoat” as an adult, and vice versa.
The preferential parent seems capable of love (at least they’d like to think so) but cannot love their children equally.
In other words, they cannot love one without abusing the other.
While some difference in the level of love and connection is normal, the dichotomy of total adoration for one and rejection of the other amounts to a parent who can’t truly love either child.
Children aren’t real people to them. They are extreme projections of the parent’s own best and worst qualities.
For that reason, a preferential parent gets a spot on the list of parents who don’t love their children.
How to Deal With a Parent Who Doesn’t Love You
We’re used to thinking that parents love and care for their children no matter what. But some people are simply incapable of love.
So what do you do if you’ve got one of those people for a parent?
1. Know that it’s not your fault.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t deserve it. There’s nothing wrong with you.
No, you weren’t some horrible unruly child who needed the belt.
You didn’t “provoke” your parent’s anger; that anger was already inside of them.
You didn’t “fail” your parent because you didn’t subjugate your life to their desires.
And you didn’t cause them to be depressed.
If you were on the receiving end of abuse, know that there is NOTHING about you that invited this treatment or justified it.
And there’s NOTHING you could have done to prevent it.
2. Know that it’s not your job to fix your parent, or make them love you.
Some parents act as if you owed them for being born.
You don’t. And it’s not your job to fix them either.
You might have a childish fantasy of somehow making your parent better, and finally having that relationship you always dreamed of.
At the risk of sounding cynical, that’s never going to happen.
It might get better though once you accept your parent for who they are, with all their limitations, and stop expecting things they can’t give you.
3. Know that there are other mother or father figures in your life who love you.
Children need their parents’ love and care. From the moment the child is born, he reaches out to his mother, seeking not only nourishment and warmth, but also comfort and connection.
Before long, he will be mimicking her facial expressions and smiling, just because he sees the delight on her face every time he does.
This is a deep emotional need hardwired into our brain — the need for a meaningful connection with our parents, the need to be loved by them.
But sometimes a parent falls short of fulfilling that essential need.
If that’s how you feel about your parent, know that there are other people in your life who may give you the love that you seek.
It could be your aunts or uncles, siblings or grandparents perhaps. Or you might have someone at work who always treats you with the care of a mother or the protectiveness of a father.
Sometimes a partner can fill that role, although it shouldn’t be a primary mode of connection for a couple.
If you feel like you’ve missed out on that parental love, pay attention. You might find it all around you.
4. Know that there is a Divine Mother/Father within you
“Mother” and “father” are more than your biological parents or people in your life. Those are energies, or archetypes, present in all of us.
You have a mother and a father within you. Some people call it God, others — Goddess, or consciousness, or Spirit. They are always with you.
Look within and connect with the Divine Mother or Father. Talk to him/her. Ask to be relieved of the burden of anger, resentment, and pain, and to fill the emptiness you feel inside with love.
I promise you, you will be crying your eyes out with gratitude when it’s over!
Here is a powerful guided meditation to connect your Inner Child to the Divine Mother.
5. Know that you can still be whole, even if you have an unloving parent
Having an unloving parent can make you feel really screwed up.
It can leave you with devastating emotional scars. It can make you doubt your self-worth. And it can also cripple you in personal relationships because deep down you feel unlovable.
You may feel like: If my own parent doesn’t love me, who will?
Few things in this world are more painful than feeling like your parent doesn’t love you.
But it doesn’t mean that you’re broken because of it.
You don’t need your parent’s love to feel good about yourself. You don’t need it to be worthy of love. And you don’t need it to be a loving parent to your own children.
Acknowledging Reality Vs. Shaming
This article isn’t to label or badmouth anyone.
Parenting is hard, and sometimes people are too quick to pass judgment on how others raise their kids.
That’s why there’s such pressure to be a perfect parent (especially a perfect mother) and always project happiness, success, and harmony.
But every parent has moments they aren’t proud of. Today I yelled at my daughter again, then felt guilty and let her watch too much TV. I felt like a bad parent. As she gets older and parenting gets even more challenging, I’m sure I’ll do other things I’ll regret.
So I’m not condemning parents for being human, or accusing everyone who’s ever made a mistake of not loving their children.
I do believe that most people love their kids with a fierce, deep, unconditional love. That’s how it should be.
But acknowledging the reality that it’s not always the case is equally as important as being understanding and forgiving of our parents’ flaws.
Some parents don’t love their kids. It’s a fact we have to accept.
Because if we don’t, we might be unable to see the bad behavioral patterns in our own families.
And if we don’t see them, we can’t challenge them, or stand up for ourselves.
We also won’t be able to recognize when someone needs help.
Parents can abuse their kids as they profess to love them.
But words aren’t love. Neglect isn’t love. Abuse isn’t love.
We have to be vigilant and aware when the most vulnerable among us — children — are being mistreated by an unloving parent.
NEXT
20 Heartbreaking Signs of a Manipulative Mother
How to Deal With a Difficult Parent: 6 Strategies to Keep Your Sanity
How to Forgive Your Parents for Abuse (When They’re Not Sorry)
Lack of insight re:addiction. I bet this author’s kids will become some kind of addict with this worldview. Shame.
There is a very simple concept that absolutely demonstrates if a relationship is toxic for you or not.
Simple concept but a hell to materialize.
When you really stop a relationship that was really toxic for you, your life gets better.
Yeees!!! It really does.
You can’t label your parents. Especially when you really don’t know them because you haven’t given the effort to understand them. Rme, that is no better than labeling anything else in society. It makes you no better than them. Shame on you.
Look at you spreading toxic opinions to those who are weary and in need of true guidance.
I’m grateful that my mother and aunt were cruel to me, I’m grateful that I was taught obedience to one’s superiors is more important than love. That harshness was necessary because I am stubborn and strong willed, which invites the abuse of a future husband for young ladies. I learned that far too late.
Obedience is more important than foolish notions of love. I wish more women knew this.
You may be enmeshed with your abusers; nothing is more helpful in life than gentle, genuine love from your parents, absolutely nothing.
Good luck to you.
Insisting that children address adults with “sir or “ma’am” is teaching them basic curtesy. It’s not abusive. Articles like this are the reason that so many grown children have skewed views of how they were raised and why cutting off contact with parents has become such an epidemic.
It’s an epidemic because it’s necessary. When you live it in your next life, you’ll understand
Nice article but cannot compare a bitten by a dog with bite who comes from persons in who u trust 😉 a dog bite cause is damaged but as well cause he want protect himself , his food , puppies , territory or his owner but a human ,, bite,, and very badly directly in soul leaving a big trauma by pleasure to hurt not for defend itself. Animals like some people has traumas caused by people who never cure and remember that a animal can be reabilitated while a human can be reabilitated only when he want if want. I am in the same situation like u i got deeply dissapointed by my father and still i am the main problem is that i am feeling trapped like in prison by my father who was absent an now cameback blaming everybody else but him. I never felt loved truely by my family thats why i love animals who doesent bite worst than people do
Whilst I have to agree with a lot of what has been said in this article, a couple of the assumptions are a little too broad or judgemental. Specifically one which applies to me, I am an alcoholic, I drink far too much. I’m not drunk 24/7 but usually every other day. A year ago my daughter moved in with me, after me never having had the opportunity to know her growing up, and over the past year she’s become so much happier, actually gained a group of friends (it turns out she’d never had that before) and quite how awful her mother and stepfather have been to her over the years is truly awful. In the past year I’ve done my best to be supportive, she’s confided in me about a lot she’s never told anyone before, and she knows I’m always there for her, and I’ve not once raised my voice to her. I feel terrible for not being able to be there for her in the past, I didn’t know where she was or what her mother’s surname was. After a while, and probably because of my drinking, I probably convinced myself she was better off without me in her life, it made it easier to cope with the fact I couldn’t be. I had no idea what her life had been like though, and I was mistaken in that belief. All I can do now is be as supportive as I can going forward, help her with her mental health issues (some of which I can personally understand so that’s useful), and give her the freedom to learn from her own mistakes, be a shoulder to cry on if she makes a mistake, and never say “I told you so” if she chooses to ignore advice she’s asked for.
i think it meant to be a general informative view of how different kinds of mental health struggles can affect parenting.
i don’t necessarily agree because, well first not everyone that displays these behaviors or symptoms actually has the illness that children, therapists who never met the parent, and strangers like to attribute to the cause or everything. and that can be really unhelpful.
and also the stigma does lead to people not even trying or not really thinking about the context of themselves and their behavior. and shame doesn’t tend to help fix mental health issues (many of which are generational too). and not everyone with these illnesses are bad parents or people. many do function alright (largely with treatment and support,. but some just well enough to be good or at least good enough parents)
but it is common to group these kinds of abuses like that. narcassitic abuse, alcoholic abuse, even Cassandra’s syndrome back in the day could have been called “autistic abuse” (it’s been updated to better reflect the double empathy problem. but years ago it used to be used to mean that autistic men are mean and selfish and uncaring and routinely make their girlfriends feel terrible and no one ever believes them etc).
and on a personal note, it also gives people too much room to think they’re great parents when all they did was not use a substance or only in certain rare circumstances. or that if they don’t have a specific diagnosis or do one or two very specific and iconic diagnosable things, that their issues aren’t real issues impacting the kids and everyone else.
my mom takes great pride in quitting all drugs, casual sex, and drinking when she got pregnant with me (cigarettes too for other pregnancies) and staying quit (not with cigarettes though. she made it a sick cycle of quitting each time she got pregnant. with all 4 kids after me. making already terrible mood swings enhanced by both pregnancy and withdrawal every single time and making me to this day prefer death over spending extended periods of time around any pregnant person. let alone being pregnant myself. it’s like way more severe than regular old tokophobia.. that’s for sure).
but at the end of the day all the behavior issues she complained about regarding her alcoholic father were thoroughly within her tendencies.
from anger issues, poor decision making, strained relationships, poverty, instability, mood swings, making kids live in alternating terror and neglect etc.
she just convinced herself it was healthier because workaholism is totally a Healthy Addiction. and she spent all her time at work (as an elementary school teacher. working til 11 pm most nights leaving me to take care of all the kids I never wanted to have and/or trying to avoid my massively physically and psychologically abusive stepdad that only even pretends to be somewhat reasonable towards me when she ever bothers to be around).
and when not working for no reason whatsoever (she doesn’t get paid more and everyone else finishes by 5, often complaining about even that much unpaid overtime being necessary.) then she sits outside smoking and reading for hours on end. or in the bath and reading for hours on end when she’s quit smoking for about a year. in either case the rule is to not disturb her. stay quiet. bring no attention to yourself. don’t disturb her while she’s Like That. because if you do she will rage and likely become violent, emotionally abusive, lash out, and inflict even long term groundings to help remind you to not step in on her Personal Time. (leaving me largely to take care of the kids even when she is technically home. and desperately trying to keep 3 kids under 10 with ADHD quiet for hours on end…fun times)
and when she is home and engaged she usually flies into a rage for little to no reason, picking fights just to remind everyone that’s she’s in charge because she’s the parent and does so much for everyone.
largely trying to torture every hint of independence or non conformity out of my non binary, Autisitc, pagan, artistic self so that i can better “seem professional” at some office job in a hospital where she thinks I just must want to work at because i made good grades and have bad handwriting so gotta go for md.
her core issue was generational trauma manifesting as BPD. but experiences of children with narcissistic and alcoholic parents both tend to ring true for me. as long as the groups aren’t dedicated to demonizing npd, alcoholism, or individual symptoms in a vacuum.
May Lord bless you both. A loving parent healing her is what she now needs and may you be blessed with that job. I pray you both heal and get the support you need. A big hug.
I haven’t suffered from abusive parents (although they weren’t perfect and my dad was a little depressed most times, I remember more happy moments than bad ones with them). But I have a sister, and we were raised the same. She was at some point abusive towards me, and it’s true we didn’t have the best relationship. Maybe that’s why I can see when she does that same thing to one of her three children, her older daughter of 14 now. But the abusive behavior began from day one, so as you can guess my niece ended up being kind of a rebel. I would say my sister has been depressed at first and then evolved into a narcissistic, controlling and mostly an angry mother, only towards the older one. Whit my other two, she’s the exact opposite.
When ever I’ve tried to confront her, she would just scream and storm out and call me dramatic.
When I comment on it, my other relatives tell me I’m probably not over our bad relationship, like I hold some grudge (I admit her bad actions affect me more than others’, but still).
I really don’t know how to proceed. I only hope my niece can stay away from her when she has the chance, because she loves her a lot and despite the toxic relationship, she still wants her approval. It’s heartbreaking to see.
Reading through these comments, I’m moved by the raw pain exhibited, but also astounded by all the trolling! Perhaps you have touched a few nerves? Writing this site was such a brave and insightful thing to do, and I’m so grateful that I stumbled across it! Your wise advice has given me so much to think about, and some of it quickly had me in tears. I’m now in my fifties, but the descriptions you have given, really resonate with me, especially the narcissist, the perfectionist and the controlling parent. I wonder, though, do these traits sometimes run in families? I have shared this site with a cousin of mine, a fellow “scapegoat”, the child of one of my mother’s sisters, whose upbringing was very similar to my own. The strange thing is, though, that my grandparents seemed to have a close and warm relationship with all of their children, I certainly never saw any of the cold hostility exhibited towards my mother or any of her siblings by either of my grandparents, that my cousin and I experienced from our own mothers. Perhaps these things can skip a generation or two? I had hoped that, over the years, things between my mother and me would mellow and improve, having been told that they often do, but my mother, now in her late seventies, still openly dislikes me, and has little time for me. She is cold, emotionally unavailable (which is just her, I suppose, and perhaps I should forgive. But she’s also largely indifferent to my children, and I find that one harder to overlook. ). She is still much closer and warmer towards my brother, and she definitely grew up in a home where boys were idolised, although, as a grandparent, she is actually much warmer towards my brother’s children (both girls) than towards my sons. When I was a child, she constantly criticised and tried to control me, bullied, belittled and emotionally abused me, and always blatantly favoured my younger sibling. My cousin, also the eldest of two, experienced similar. (To be fair to our younger siblings, it’s not their fault, and they have grown up to be excellent people. Over the years, I’ve come to realise that , possibly, my mother’s approval is, in its way, as much of a cross to bear as her dislike.) But I have always craved a warm, loving and nurturing relationship with my mother, even though all I have ever had has been harsh criticism, hostility and, at best, indifference. For many years, I tried to reach out to her, only to be repeatedly rebuffed, but, these days, although I would, of course, always help her if she had need of me, I tend to just accept the situation for what it is. Parenting isn’t easy, and I’m sure all of us make mistakes. I’m now a lone parent to two amazing kids, and I have always tried to have a warm, loving relationship with them both. Of course, we don’t always see eye to eye, and, if I think they’re out of line, I will tell them. But I hope they always feel cherished and valued, and I would certainly never turn my back on them, the way my mother has with me. Thank you so much for the much needed perspective your site has given me. For all of my life, I have thought that my mother’s attitude to me was somehow my fault. I have gone on, in adulthood, to have a string of failed relationships, due to similar issues (bullying, belittling, violence, unsupportive behaviour and emotional coldness.) As with my mother, I eventually distanced myself. Sometimes it’s the only thing you can do, especially if you are otherwise risking passing on a skewed version of “normal” to the next generation. It hasn’t been easy. I have blamed myself, and my mother has also triumphantly blamed me, it has seemed. The idea that I am (perhaps) not to blame is intriguing. Thank you!
Hello Lady Writer,
thank you for sharing your story and for your kind words. I am encouraged by the fact that despite some of the comments I receive, my site does help people who’ve blamed themselves their whole lives for failing to win the affection of their parent(s). The idea that it’s not your fault and it can NEVER be your fault might feel foreign and strange, but that is only because you were conditioned to feel otherwise.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, it’s never too late to expose that faulty childhood conditioning and to change it. You are doing just that! And you are a wonderful mother to your children. You should be proud of yourself. You have done something many people couldn’t do, which is break the chain of abuse. Perhaps, your mother will never recognize how amazing you are, so you have to do it for yourself. Keep up the good work! 🙂
Lana
Reading you has made me think about my niece, she’s just 14. As I have told her in the past, be certain it is not your fault. Some people, like my sister or your mother, were just never confronted and that’s why they keep giving themselves permission to hurt the ones that cannot defend themselves. Sadly, my niece is starting to do the same with her siblings despite we (my parents and I) have tried to make her aware that’s wrong, talking calmly (unlike her mom). She’s also showing depression signs, but my sister wouldn’t take her to a therapist whoever knows under what excuse. Anyway, I hope she grows up to be as good as a person you are, and at some point decides to distance herself from my sister. That’s the only way I think she can start to heal. Cry all you need. But don’t forget you also deserve to be happy
Wow, I could have written your exact post and it’d have been completely accurate in every way. This year my niece is 15 and living in a group home where the counselors are all flying monkeys. The system is F’d up and that doesn’t help at all. For years, I made it my purpose to make my niece feel loved. She recently screamed at me in a restaurant after I calmly defended myself when her mother provoked me. I used to defend her and protect her from her angry mother and (violent special needs) brother. When I did, her mother would go into a rage. So it seems that my niece gets triggered whenever anyone stands up to her mother. She can’t deal with her mother’s reactions
I’m really not sure what I’d do if my sister hadn’t cut me off from my entire family. When my niece is an adult, I’ll reach out to her. In the meantime, I am free to go no contact so I can heal and come back stronger for my adult niece and nephew. No doubt they will see their mother for who she really is one day. Until then, I am on a seemingly never ending loop of retraumatization and healing, doing my best to remember that they need my unconditional love as much as I needed it. I never got it, but I will continue to give it, unrecognized, unreciprocated, for as long as I am able to if it means that they will have the chance at happiness that I never got. Seeing them happy is genuinely all I ask in return.
Take care, and best to you and your niece 🤍
Growing up I felt very loved by my parents and especially my mother. I still felt loved even though both my parents didn’t feel the need for physical affection like hugging or even something small like an affectionate rub on my arm/back, small things like such. As I got older and found some independence, the once little affection soon disappeared too. My brother and I would get beat hard with belts, and soon enough the verbal abuse began. We’d get backed into corners, slapped in the face, and mocked and laughed at when we cried. These days even at my adult age, I am still verbally and emotionally abused. I was just told that I don’t deserve affection (I had simply asked for a hug good night) because I chose to do stuff (getting a couple tattoos and doing other harmless things). “Maybe if you didn’t so such and such, I would want to hug you. Maybe I’d want to love you”. I didn’t realize till now that in order to attain my parents love and affection I have to be perfect.
I’m so sorry, Kate. You certainly shouldn’t have to be perfect to gain your parents’ affection. There shouldn’t be any conditions at all. Parental love is supposed to be unconditional but so many of us know what it’s like to feel as if you don’t deserve that love.
All I can say is, you’re not alone. And…loving yourself despite the childhood programming that you’re not worthy of love is the greatest rebellion one can conceive of in these circumstances.
Lana
yes my mother has all six , but anyone who might meet her in life would believe she is a wonderful loving caring person fake I hope god is real and judgement day is waiting for her
I was never loved as a child. My parents run my life. I do nothing lie
Hi-
I have looked through your site and read where you say you are not a Doctor or psychologist (unless that is out of date info). I would love to hear your qualifications to not only write this article, but to create multiple articles on this site based what seems to be personal opinion. What is your experience to offer advice to the general public? I have dealt with many narcissists etc but it does not make me qualified to speak in any degree of certainty.
Do you have children? If you don’t, then you are automatically disqualified from writing this. And if you do, I hope you feel blessed that you never struggled with the guilt of not loving your kid in the way you always imagined you would. For a website about toxicity it seems to me you are the most toxic thing on here.
Hi,
you’d be interested to know that most people who write about narcissistic abuse recovery (you can google their names) are not doctors or psychologists. Furthermore, anyone can write or speak about anything they want, provided they don’t misrepresent themselves. It’s called the freedom of speech. I understand you don’t like what I write but it’s not for you to judge what I can or cannot write about. Thanks for reading though!
Thank you for your article. You have been a part of my healing process. Thank you for speaking the truth and also providing ways to heal the emotional pain. I am at a point of healing where your words have resonated with me and given me further clarity and healing where I can finally love myself and be loved. Know you are doing good! Thank you.
Thank you so much Joy! It means a lot to me to know that I’ve been a part of your healing journey. It’s an honor 🙂
Sincerely,
Lana
I was very fortunate to come from a family where my three other siblings and I still look back on our childhood with the best memories of my late Mom. She was an amazing lady who 1000% loved us all unconditionally. As a Mom myself I cannot imagine or understand how it’s even possible to be any other way because being a mother to these incredible human beings is an absolute privilege. My mother in law has unfortunately a handful of these toxic traits you mention above, and my husband is one of the unloved children in his family. He is one of the most beautiful people I know, she should be proud of him but she is not . When I first met him, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t have a relationship with her so I encouraged contact repeatedly trying to assist get their relationship back. She briefly seemed interested in us, however it was short lived and I realise now there was a hidden agenda. Today I had to stop myself from forcing contact and wishing her for her birthday as it was my husbands birthday 2 days ago and again he heard nothing and so he asked me to please stop trying to fix things. It’s so sad. If my own Mom was alive she would have made him feel so special and not only phoned but baked a cake etc. specially if she knew how he and one of his sisters has been totally disregarded by their own Mother. Moms are usually the glue that keeps the family together. It’s the strangest thing I’ve ever witnessed from a Mother. Agree with this article it’s not his fault and also not up to us to try fix this. It’s taken me 6 years to realise this.
U Go Girl!! I enjoy reading what you wrote and especially the last one you’re right freedom speech and of course it was a man that wrote it but lol but I loved your writings and beliefs and thank you so much for sharing. I am a mother of two grown. I’m 64 years old, and I’m doing the best I can. Thank you again!
Thank you Dianna! Your words mean so much 🙂
Sincerely,
Lana
What makes you the judge what people can and cannot write about? Many doctors dont even know what a narcissist is. The best people to write an article about this subject is people like the writer of this article. It helped me much more than any doctor ever did. You have a lot to learn if you think the only people worth listen to in this world is the people who went to college and university.
Hi Kat,
I, personally, have engaged in psychotherapy with various Ph.D.s for nearly 30 years and I can say with certainty that I have never found a more defined and succinct explanation of toxic relationships and/or friendships than what I have recently discovered upon this website.
Letters after an individual’s name are irrelevant when it comes to truly helping another person…smh…
You don’t have to be a mother or a psychologist to recognize children with signs of abuse (specially when you cohabitate with that relationship between a kid and their mother, as a front row viewer). As well, you should recognize the behaviors. Are you saying, only because she doesn’t have a degree, those situations described in the article don’t happen in reality? If you are one of those parents who can’t love their children, do know you’re the one to work on those issues, not them. Face things as they are and don’t use the victim mentality as an excuse to continue being a bad parent to them. the problem isn’t what people think about you (the criticism, the judgement), the problem is your actions damage them. Start putting them FIRST 🥇, and if you can’t do that, look for help. Talk about why you think you can’t be affectionate to them, therapists do a great job guiding you in that journey so that the guilt doesn’t stop you from being better. A better parent. You’ll never be perfect, but as long as you can show them love more often, all will be fine. Don’t feel judged, just start working on being better for them.
You, my friend, are the most toxic thing on this site. Don’t like it? Ok, don’t read it. Bah bye.
Seems as if the article must have touched home with you. The article is a great insight as to what is and what has caused so much mental illness in the United States. All the mass shootings that are being carried out now days are most likely a result of years of abuse and feelings of unworthiness. The individuals doing them did not just wake up and say “wow I’m going to go this or that today”. I say that with certainty. Humans are not born hating anything. We are born loving and trusting individuals. Anger and hate are taught. I bet 9 times out of 10 it all started with parents exactly like this article states. So it does not need to be a expert or doctor writing it. Someone who has lived these experiences is more of a expert than any doctor or anyone who has not been affected by this type of abuse.
My mom is a preferential Mom
She hates me and she has told me that several times
She loves my younger brother way too much
She always tells me to go live my dad
She once told me that she wishes I die so that she could have freedom and enjoy her life
I think I hate her too I don’t want anything to do with her
Those are terrible things to say to your child. You don’t deserve that. But try not to focus on the hate – it will only poison your heart. When you’re older, you can decide what type of relationship you want with your mom, or whether you want one at all. But for now, hang in there and know that you deserve to be loved, respected, and treated kindly.
Lana
I hope you can work on you. And stay away from people like your mother, because you deserve good in your life. Don’t even bother hating her, it’s like they feed on it.
There’s people around you that feel the anguish you experience and want to change things for you. Just pay attention and you’ll find other relatives or friends who want to help but probably don’t know how to reach you. Let good people love you. Hate isn’t all.
Hi, would i veable to send pm message to you please..?
Hi,
yes, of course.
You can send me a message through a contact form.
Lana
I sympathize with Amanda. I don’t know her full story, or her child’s, but I know that despite the parents’ best efforts, things do not always turn out as we hope.
Our oldest child has grown to become a person that is difficult to like, even though we had nothing but love for her before. She has unfortunately inherited all of my worst traits, and none of my good ones. (The only good one is probably that I am honest. Nothing much else than that, I guess…)
I must admit my faults: I am defensive and often moody, but I know about these problems and I try my best not to stay in such a dour mood when I am with my children. When my daughter was young I used to spank her, but within what I considered a reasonable threshold. That is how I was disciplined as a child, and I didn’t see a problem with it. I stopped hitting her while she was still in kindergarten, because my wife and brother both started preaching about having talks instead of spankings. I have not laid a hand on her (or her younger brothers) in over 10 years. (I have only been able to get somewhat better over time because my wife has not given up on me.) I see my faults in her, and I try to guide her to see the path to a better character sooner than I did. She seems to not have taken after her mother in any way, and that is truly a pity.
I had a distressing talk with her tonight. To start with, it was just to try to set up some kind of agreement whereby I would grant her access to more apps on her smartphone if she promises to actually start helping around the house and .. well, just try to be a decent person at home. It progressed through me trying to explain to her that she needs to learn that everyone must mature and become more responsible as the years progress, and it ended with her telling me to my face that she doesn’t like her mother, she doesn’t like me, and she likes her brothers the least. The cherry on top was that she does not care whether the people she lives with likes her or not.
So, yeah, long story short, I agree with Amanda. It is NOT always that the child is completely without fault, and the parents are ultimately to blame for everything. Sometimes the child is twisted somehow, and the parents cannot set them straight.
Oh. And this may seem quite petty, but I only felt compelled to write something because I cannot agree with the line that you ended with: “Because the opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference.” No, that doesn’t sound right at all. Indifference is the complete ABSENCE of either love or hate. It does not exist on the same spectrum as these extremes of emotion. I will take your word that it can hurt as much as hatred, but it is definitely not love’s opposite.
I find it hard to believe your dislike for your daughter is based on her innate behavior. Did you even want a child? I guarantee how you treated her, is what made her into the person you claim to not like. She didn’t ask to be here, but you brought her, so take responsibility.
You mentioned that you prevented her full access from her phone as punishment.. and it’s stuff like that (because I’m sure that’s only 1 of 1 million examples) that will raise your child to resent you. You doing things for them but it’s really coming from a place of doing it for yourself. You really think your wife just gave birth to a twisted child? Lol. Ignorance is Bliss!
I have three nephews, two girls and a boy (he’s the youngest). You might think that some children are just “difficult” and so they deserve your lack of patience. But I’ve witnessed it’s the parent’s affinity with the child what defines how “twisted” or perfect the kid is. In this case, while the first girl’s behavior was always bad and everything she did needed straightening, even when she was a toddler, the second one and the boy always had a free pass because “they’re just children”. In my sister’s perspective, her first daughter provoked all that misstreat that she got, nevermind she was too young to even understand. Maybe it’s not your case, but bear in mind that unless your daughter has some sort of diagnosed problem, something could’ve happen to her in her life growing up in your family that made it easy for her to feel so different from all of you. Maybe she felt excluded. Maybe she never felt she could talk to none of you about something bad she experienced. I don’t think she’s a bad apple in your perfect three, maybe she needs guidance. And judging by what you explain about your own life, you need it also.
I am not so much offended per say. I have a mother with severe depression. It is ironic that she has bever attempted suicide. Sometimes I think she makes it up. I know lots of people with personality disorders or mental illness that are great parents however that is not the case with my mom. She doesn’t love me because she thinks I am the bane of her existence. I cause her digestive issues. I cause her depression. She even told me my grandmother cursed me to go insane to punish me because she had a special mean streak that day.
It is not mental illness at all that causes it.
I think in her case or in most cases it is pure selfishness, wanting to feel powerful, wanting to be in control, lack of accountability whether me or in pretty much everything in her life, weakness, she needs someone to blame with for her marital problems and pretty much everything in her life.
I resent her too much to sympathize with her anyway. I do try but I feel like it is a burden to have her as my mother.
Maybe it is lack of empathy on my part.
I really do not want ro be like her in any shape or form.
I resented her everytime she would scream and holler. I felt disgust when she would beat up my dad or throw coffee on him.
I never meant my previous comment as an attack.
I just think abuse in most cases is strictly behavioral and due to bad character.
I do not have the best character myself. I started to slowly become like her and I have a lot rages as well.
I always thought my mom and at times myself was rageholic.
I strongly feel that is behavioral on both my mom’s end and my end.
Addiction I believe is behavioral whether it is cocaine, meth, alcohol, heroin, or even rage.
I am not trying to be condescending to people woth substance abuse problems. I actually have that myself. I am an alcoholic. I regret this behavior. I feel that I make a choice to use alcohol or in some cases rage as a coping mechanism. It is weakness on my part.
I am sorry if I came off as hostile or if I sounded offended. A lot of people have that criticism of me.
I would like you to consider this point of view and be open to it.
I wish I was different. I learned to be hostile from my mother and I regret.
I know a lot of people with mental illnesses and even personality disorders who are nothing like me. This is a choice on my part. I hope I can change but I am so conditioned to be cruel.
My grandmother always described me a s damaged. Her eyes would squint in disgust as if I did not deserve to exist.
For a long time I felt like I did not deserve to exist because of how I was treated.
I am sorry. You are right there is a lot going on with me.
Thank you for reading this. I hope this honesty amd transparency can improve things.
You’re not damaged, but those treatments they gave you can definitely damage anyone. Just know you deserve good.
That’s all I wanted to say. You deserve good. And you can be good.
Let all evil die in you, and they’ll have no power over how you feel. That’s the best goodbye, when they can’t reach you anymore.
Chelsea,
I very much appreciated your honesty and I can relate to you. I think the situation you are in is very difficult and it will be very hard to change. I had a LOT of therapy…let’s see…9 therapists over 30 years. All good for me in different ways. I became a therapist myself, and I do think I helped many abused kids. However…now that I am a parent, I can see how little I have changed from my parents, in many ways. 🙁 I am not as cruel as my father or as distant as my mother, but I am sometimes cruel. I am very often controlling; I overwork and am distant. I can get depressed and think he is better off if I don’t interact with him. (He literally is better off when I leave him alone.) I honestly don’t know if I have ever loved my son. I still don’t think I really know what love is or how to do it. IT SUCKS! I wanted to be SOOO different from my parents, but I am just a little bit different, if I am honest.
I know it is no hope to offer you. I really wonder if I probably should not have had a child, which is very sad. But, I am a semi-decent person to strangers, clients, and friends. I could have just called it good with that. But, to be brutally honest, I felt compelled to show my parents and my sister that parenting could be done so much better than they did it (my narcissism), and I thought I had gained enough skills through my therapy and my education/experience that I would be a good enough parent. That very much remains to be seen and my son is 11 years old.
Don’t have any good news today…
Your article is good for the most part. the only problem i have is that you say a lot of derogatory things about people with mental illnesses. Not all people with mental illness are bad or are bad parents. It seems like certain things you are saying are adding the stigma to mental illness which further isolates people with mental illnesses. This can make it hard for them to seek treatment or get the help they need because they feel demonized. You should use better word choices. I understand the point of your article and it was easy to follow. I just find your choice words and generalizations about people with mental illnesses off-putting.
Hi Chlo,
thanks for your comment, and I respect your perspective.
It’s interesting that people always take offense at that part of the article where I mention drug addiction and mental health issues, even though I make it clear that I’m talking about severe cases, where the parent is completely emotionally unavailable, disturbed, damaged beyond repair, psychopathic and sadistic. Still, it touches a nerve…
Obviously, not all mental illness is the same, and not all addiction is the same. I don’t condemn just anybody with mental health issues. I am mostly talking about severe personality disorders that lead people to commit horrible acts of violence against their children. If you are offended by that, there may be something else going on.
Sincerely,
Lana
Making it “clear” you’re talking about “severe cases?”
Verbatim repetition of your words, plain as day: “a depressed parent can’t love their children. They can barely register their existence…. the depressed parent is too sick to love…”
At no place in either of these flagrantly untrue statements do you assert that these are only applicable to extreme cases (which they’re not).
Things like this astounding anthology of fiction why people are afraid to seek help. Maybe try encouraging those who suffer rather than vilify them? It seems like your intent may actually be to help people, so unless that’s not the case, maybe do some research. (I know you’re not formally educated in this subject, so it may not be feasible for you.) The stigma and our lack of health care resources make it hard enough.
“Maybe try encouraging those who suffer rather than vilify them?”
I am not addressing the parents. This is written from the perspective of a child growing up with a difficult parent. To a child, a parent’s emotional unavailability feels like “my parent doesn’t love me.” I’m shining the light on how the child feels. But I understand why you took it negatively, and I apologize if my article caused you any pain.
As for the stigma, I believe societal attitudes have changed in the past decades. So for those who want to seek help for their depression, there are multiple resources available, from free hotlines and therapists who are paid on a sliding scale to various pharmaceuticals with a lot more tolerable side effects.
Wishing healing to everyone struggling with depression and their loved ones affected by it 🙏
The author of this article has severe mental health issues herself including a strong sense of victimization, a lack of personal agency, and worse she uses this forum to exacerbate her symptoms rather than going to a professional to get the help she actually needs. It’s hard to blame her for her criticisms of the mentally ill when it’s a reflection of what is going on inside of her. It’s really displacement and projection. I feel sorry for the author and the people that read her articles. It’s helping no one and may actually be doing quite a bit of harm.
Chlo,
I concur.
This is an appalling grouping of words and sentences written by a bitter charlatan who, rather than trying to be better, attacks commenters in a defensive and passive-aggressive manner.
To all the other moms out there with depression: WE ARE CAPABLE OF LOVING OTHER PEOPLE. We know how to love. We are reading this because we obviously want to fix our situations. We are not a one-dimensional trope or villainous caricature.
If you’re like me and are scouring the Internet for resources on how to do better, and have stumbled upon this outrageously stigmatizing attack on mental illness- which is YES YOU GOT IT, a disease that needs professional care and hard work through your own efforts- please know that having major depression does not make you incapable of giving and feeling love.
I am so glad that I have done the hard work, the reading, the trauma healing, and have the mental acuity to tell you this fact. Do not take these statements about depression seriously, for they are untrue.
-Depressed and damn good mama.
I get you, I also have actual depression. But this is about parents who let their mental illness affect their kids. I can put myself in the shoes of unloved children (not from experience, my parents are very loving).
How can you direct yourself to a traumatized person that grew up with a parent that neglected/abused them and go, “but you need to put your parents feelings first, even when they never did it for you”. “They need empathy, let’s just excuse all the bad actions because they had a mental illness (one that could be treated, but still)”
Way to demean their suffering. People who’ve had parents like these need to know all the hatred they received *wasn’t justified*. It is a big deal when a depressed, narcissistic, aggressive (put any treatable mental illness here) parent hurts their children repeatedly. They need to be called out, and see consequence. Otherwise everything will stay the same. Good luck history not repeating itself.
Depression isn’t my excuse when I act wrong with the people in my life. Specially when they’re children. How can you fix someone that’s acting wrong when you never call them out? When you never confront them? Our mental illnesses will always stop us from seeking therapy because it’s more comfortable to blame the thing that “is not in my control”. It’s when we’re exposed that we feel hurt, and that eventually makes us look for help. The exposure must be done in a firm way, not accusatory. I understand you mean we need to reach people with these issues with empathy, but be conscious most people feel way too comfortable with empathy to even try to make a change. You can have filters, but those cannot shield from the truth. And truth will always hurt when you have a mental illness. There’s nothing you can do, other than recommend people to go to therapy. It makes wonders, believe me
I hate my child. Not because I’m a narcissist or anything. I hate my child because she is abusive – mentally, emotionally, physically. She has made some very very poor choices that has put her and me in danger. And she’s not even sorry for it.
Parents are only human and we can only take so much. I will never apologize for pushing her away and running as far away from her as I can. I will never apologize for doing what I needed to do to protect myself and escape her manipulations and her abuse. I have intrinsic value as a person – that didn’t change or go away when I made the unfortunate decision to keep my child.
How can you say that it’s not a child’s fault if his or her parent(s) don’t love them? You don’t know every circumstance.
Hello Amanda,
thank you for your honesty. I agree with you that children can be abusive, too, and it’s not necessarily the parents’ fault. I haven’t written about that particular situation yet but I know it exists.
My article is not about that though. And I stand by my words that in most cases, it’s not a child’s fault if his or her parent(s) don’t love them. I needed the children who grew up with an unloving parent to know that, if they didn’t know already.
You say pretty harsh words — “I hate my child,” “I made the unfortunate decision to keep my child.” It sounds like you wish your child wasn’t born. But most parents still love their children even when they’re horrible, as you say your child is. Jeffrey Duhmer’s parents loved him even though they knew he was a monster. So when you say that you hate your child, I wonder if there’s still love behind that hate. Because the opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.
I can say it’s not a child’s fault because they didn’t ask to be here, simple. You said you made the unfortunate decision to keep your child.. which is a feeling you’ve had before this child could behave in an unfavorable way. It can be argued that your claim to hate this child has nothing to do with them – because you’ve harbored this feeling since their conception. Sucks to admit that you’ve carelessly brought another human into this world. I hope it’s a practice we can get used to, so that we can stop it from happening in the first place.
I would ask you this: When she was a baby would you think she was evil? Did you use to scream, belittle, spank or treat her with hatred when she was a baby/a toddler/a kid? Was it impossible for you to see anything good about her? Was it all her fault when she was a child?
If that’s the case, understand that the little respect she shows was cultivated a long time ago, by you. You shouldn’t hide your hand after throwing the rock.
On the contrary, if you were a loving mother that (even when you weren’t perfect) tried being responsible, showed you cared and made the effort to grow the bond you had with her (playing games, listening to her when something was wrong, were present as much as you could) , she either wasn’t raised around you or she has her own mental issues.
Either way, there is a problem. And in a relationship, both ends have their share of responsibility. I don’t think you want to see your bad actions, specially when you admit you “hate” your daughter. Face your issues. Don’t blame it all on her. I hope she can surround herself with loving people who show her all you didn’t about loving others.
it does’nt work they hate me my entire family hate’s me
I was an unloved kid, but the circumstances were very odd…
My mom wanted lots of kids, dad agreed, but it was hard for my mom to give birth. 10 years and 6 miscarriages later (including twin boys in third trimester, who were both 6and 7th child lost) I was finally born, miracle baby.
Then my dad said nope no more. My mom lied to him about birth control to have another, my sister. Who was also miracle baby cuz she had a twin that miscarried, but she didn’t.
My dad was so mad… he said he didn’t want anything to do with her. Mom said fine then I don’t want anything to do with the first one. I was 2.
They got divorced when I was 5, and I was suddenly very alone without dad around her preferential treatment/absence was felt,
She would sing my sister lullabies, and I’d sit out in the hall to listen. Sometimes when she got out she would be nice and sing to me too for awhile but then she would get sad, start crying. And apologize cuz she didn’t love me.
This happened pretty routinely till she got remarried when I was 7. Then I had my abusive stepdad to worry about…
My mom preached against abuse, so I thought it just must not be bad enough for her to do anything about. I used to imagine lines he would cross and that then she would protect me, yell at him, throw him out.
He crossed those lines, and I’d redraw them. Till finally he had gone so far I was sure this would do it. Then, she didn’t. And I thought to myself why? Doesn’t she love me? And it hit me, years late delay. She didn’t love me. She TOLD me she didn’t love me. It was just done in such a weird way it didn’t click I was too busy comforting her… and she wasn’t hateful when she said it she was apologetic…
I wasn’t even sad when it hit me. Just cold… frozen. And I felt stupid. So fucking stupid. Like duh you were told hooowww many times and it never sunk in? Didn’t click? Stupid fucking retarded child, which was actually what I was hit for by my stepdad, I’m autistic so there were plenty “retarded” reasons he gave to hit me… he even once hit me for flinching… cuz he took offence that I assumed he was going to hit me, so he then actually hit me.
Annddd my mom, the preacher, did nothing…
My step dad once nearly overdosed me on his percs, said he thought they were my Ritalin pills (they look nothing alike), she did nothing.
Social services start coming for visits, he threatens to kill me, that he had killed before and only gotten a few years for manslaughter, he would use same defence on me, few years, no big deal….
Mom does nothing… even adds in if they dont get child support they can’t afford the dogs. They will be put down. Iow… threat to kill the dogs…
Stepdad bribes with drugs, that I don’t even take, and I’m only in middle school at time, mom does nothing…
You get the idea… there were a lot of unbelievably crazy fucked up shit… stuff that made me go what the fuck.,, this isn’t real life this shit doesn’t actually happen in real life it’s insane.
I kept lowering the bar, till it got unbelievable. The hitting escalated too, and it was how far how bad that went that made me eventually snap to frozen. When she still couldn’t care enough to protect me.
And she wasn’t depressed either… she was perfect parent to my sister. And my sister turned out spoiled and unthankful, which to me at the time was unforgivable cuz I would have done anything to have what she did.
I suppose you could call her the preferential parent but that doesn’t feel right either… she loved my sister, and later my brother, unconditionally. It was just me…
Dear Kaily,
I hope you read this. You ARE AN AMAZING PERSON, I felt right through your written words, that you are ofcourse, and without a doubt, a SWEET, WORTHY, PERFECT, CHERISHED, BEAUTIFUL AND EXQUISUITE CHILD OF GOD, please dont ever doubt yourself because you had the severe misfortune to have very sick people in your life who never deserved you. I AM SO SORRY to read what you wrote, and how painful it must have been for you, I AM SO VERY SORRY YOU WENT THROUGH WHAT YOU DID. I know that anyone that reads your comment will have the same horrified reaction as I did. I wish that someone was there for you to protect you from that life, it pains me that you experienced that. I dont even know you, but I do feel so much empathy and caring for you—you never deserved any of it. So it goes without me saying ofcourse that it never had anything to do with you, it had everything to do with the sickness of the adults in your life, and again I am so very sorry for the trauma you experienced. I hope you can find it within yourself to talk to someone about this if this trauma affects you today, equally as important may I suggest EMDR –it is shortlived therapy for trauma—most say it is the magic bullet, please try it!! It may truly relieve you if the trauma affects you on a regular basis. If it helps at all, if I was in your life when you were going through this, I would have held your hand and protected you from that pain. Please dont relive the pain youve experienced to much. You deserve the world full of love and happiness and I pray you find it. Any one who reads your story has a sense of caring for you, please stay strong and positive, never forget how beautiful and special you are!
Your story hit me differently. There’s people who are too coward to do anything. Don’t be offended on her behalf, I think you probably love her too much to see how responsible she was of her own behavior. Yes, she said sorry, but she never sought help to change what was wrong with her. Because it wasn’t you the one that provoked none of your parents’ actions. You were in the middle of idi ot ic adults. Please never call yourself retarded, those lies they put inside your head you need to start kicking them out. You deserve good, that’s something you can believe in
Moral superiority does not really heal the pain. There is no real help even available for abusers. Except for a stupid anger management course that offers nothing but shame and guilt trips. We already feel like we are horrible people.
And often times we make the mistake of trying to control others behavior so that we ourselves don’t come unglued. Almost all of us are further isolated over the years and we have to go it alone and in anger and despair. Sometimes the only thing that we have left is to blame others for triggering us.
One thing you have to understand as how alone we abusers really are. And when our loved ones & other people around us are emotionally reactive, and waggle their fingers at us with lectures of how bad we are, the more we lose faith in ourselves with ever less control over our inflamed emotions.
And I can honestly tell you… As a depressed person… That there is an incredible and deep love for my children.
Hello Abusive,
I want to thank you for offering an opportunity to see an issue from another point of view. I hear your pain. And I agree, abusers are wounded people, too. They need healing, too. But I don’t agree that there is no real help available for abusers. I think the issue is that abusers rarely look for help. And even when they do, they still tend to blame the victims.
I’m sorry, I don’t mean any moral superiority. I guess it’s easier for me to feel compassion for the abused kids than for the parents who abuse them.
And…I knew that including depressed parents in that list is going to be controversial…But as a child who grew up with a depressed parent, I can tell you that I didn’t feel that incredible deep love you’re talking about. That is not to say that it’s not there. I believe it’s there. I know you love your kids. But this post was written based on a child’s experience and perception. I am in no way blaming the parent for being depressed. But when a parent is seriously clinically depressed they can’t feel anything. It’s a misperception that depression is feeling blue. It’s feeling NOTHING. And it’s the scariest thing in the world. I’m sure you understand what I’m talking about. Anyway…thanks again for your comment. I appreciate your perspective. Wishing you healing 🙏
Here’s an idea. When you know you’re a horrible person, why don’t you stop pretending that you are in any way whatsoever a victim? Why don’t you stop victim blaming? Oh, so the people you’re brutalising are “emotionally reactive”, are they? They’re “finger wagging”? It’s THEIR fault you don’t control your “inflamed” emotions?
No. They are defending themselves against your disgusting inhuman behaviour.
I don’t doubt you love your children. I used to think my sister had no love for only one of her daughters, but some of her actions showed me different. I mean, it’s not as bad as before, only better. I won’t say she shows her love to her because she doesn’t, though. And that’s the issue, you can think you love them but they need to know it too. They need it to be shown to them. I don’t know how many times you’ve tried therapy, but I congratulate you for giving you that chance to be a better perdon. I would say nevertheless, that you need to persist. Keep trying, and don’t forget *you do it for them*. Forget about the judgement, and if it’s necessary, stay away from the people who can’t see your progress.
But don’t stop improving you as a parent, it’d give me hope.
You have given many excellent resources for people to go to. That said, you do not list your qualifications, except to say you are not a psychologist. You also make many generalizations, some not remotely true. As just one example: you say a depressed parent is unable to love. Why? Of course they are. Depression is highly treatable and, btw, common. Many parents who are depressed, are still very able to love and give to their chlldren. Narcissism: it depends the degree of narcissism. Never say all or none. And the ebook about grandmothers? This is a first. I would advise any parent who has an abusive mother/father (again abuse can come from men as well as women) … to limit the contract and to be present while the grandparent is with the child.
Please don’t take this as a criticism, but you have no formal training and experience. You have written an e-book, and you want to give advice by email and zoom for money. I guess you could do this legally,but is it ethical. Why not blog and say “this is my opinion, but I am not a professional”. that would be closer to the truth.
That said, I believe you may be an estranged daughter/or similar with personal issues. When you have personal issues surrounding this situation, you are going to have a biased view.
Jackie,
If my blog is not up to your standards, you’re welcome to find alternate sources of information. I won’t be offended.
Cheers,
Lana
Dude you make some dumb points and you are so wrong on so many levels. It’s freaking obvious that your not a mental health professional, no need to state the obvious.
Cheers xx
By the way the author replies, I can tell she is a qualified psychologist. I can also tell she has a prescription about you in her mind and knows how to deal with you very well.
This was nice, I have authoritarian parents and I feel kinda unloved if I’m not doing exactly what they say, but I felt like I couldn’t say anything because they think they’re doing what’s good for me.
Hi Amelia,
I know what it’s like to have an authoritarian parent so I totally get what you’re saying. In the article I make a point to say that these parents don’t love their children but in reality it’s not quite that black and white. I think they love but it’s a conditional love because they’ve also experienced conditional love as children.
Lana
Thank you for the meditation. I am 60 yrs old and continue to deal with the pain of being unloved by my angry father. he has always been verbally and at times physically abusive. No matter how I tried to please him it was never enough. He recently told me that I am a terrible daughter for not visiting him more often. Everytime I am with him he says terrible things, it takes me days of not eating or sleeping to recover. He recently ostracized me from the family. I am a very loving, caring mother to my children. The meditation opened my eyes that I do matter, I did not deserve his punishment. I will work on loving myself as I do the children I gave birth to. Released so many tears, thank you so very much!!!
Hi Shelley,
this is a beautiful message, and it brings tears to my eyes. You are such an incredible, gentle, loving, brave soul! It’s not easy to do what you did. It’s not easy to say: I’m going to love and accept myself, even if my parent did everything possible to make me feel otherwise. It feels good to let that go, doesn’t it? And you are proof that it’s never too late to do that! So proud of you, and happy that your children have such an amazing mother.
Lana
Interesting article , you have part of human behaviour right , but you lack wisdom. Your writing style suggests you were raised with a Western worldview with post-modern overtones. You need to do more research as some of your conclusions are logically inconsistent with your presuppositions.
Wow. You’ve really mastered the whole condescending thing, haven’t you? Hope it’s working out for you. Cheers!
How was the condesceding? I think that person comes from a non western worldview.
it does’nt work they hate me my entire family hate’s me