If you have a history of abuse from one or both of your parents, you might have wondered at some point: should I forgive them?
It’s hard to live your life with those emotional scars. You’ve probably struggled with feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem, depression, resentment, anger, and maybe even rage. You’ve indulged in self-medication.
And most likely, forgiving your parents for abuse is the last thing you want to do.
But when is it enough? How do you heal emotional scars, leave the past behind, and stop hurting?
Dealing With the Aftermath of Childhood Abuse
As a child, you’re at the mercy of your parents. You rely on them for everything, and you love them unconditionally.
Even if a parent exhibits abusive behavior, a child will accept that behavior as a norm and try harder to please the parent.
But as you get older, you start to realize that abuse isn’t the norm. It doesn’t happen to everybody. It didn’t happen to your friend Suzie or your neighbor Zack.
You may even feel ashamed that it happened to you, and try to push it out of your head.
But like any traumatic experience, abuse doesn’t just go away. You carry it with you, always.
It’s in that early wrinkle on your forehead.
It’s in your failed relationships.
It’s in the way you get scared and uncomfortable when someone gets angry.
And it’s also in the way you get mad at your own children. You may not be abusing them, but you experience moments of anger your parent imprinted on you.
That’s the devastating part of dealing with being abused as a child. You don’t know that it’s still affecting you, even after all these years.
If you can afford extensive personal therapy, by all means, get professional help.
If you can’t, one thing you can do on your own (that’s completely free) is forgiving your abusive parent, even if they’ve never asked for it.
Hear me out.
You Don’t Need an Apology to Heal
Many people, myself included, feel like in order to heal, they have to confront an abuser, hear them acknowledge the abuse and ask for forgiveness.
Then, when our pain is acknowledged and the abuser shows signs of shame and regret, we can start the healing process.
But the chances of that happening are about the same as the chances of you winning a lottery jackpot, which is about 1 in 300 million.
I’ve had a father who was emotionally and physically abusive. He never acknowledged the abuse, let alone asked for forgiveness. In his mind, he was a good parent because he was a good provider.
Growing up, there was so much anger, fear, and shame in my heart. The first chance I got, I moved to another country and severed ties with him. I didn’t want to abandon my family, but it was the only way I could get away.
In a new country, finally a world away, but still I wasn’t free.
I was haunted by my childhood. Not in an obvious way, but in a way of living a small, damaged, fearful life.
The hurt and the anger are enormously heavy burdens to bear, and they were holding me back. I couldn’t enjoy my life, or have a loving relationship. I couldn’t even hold down a job.
It’s like I was trying to climb a mountain with a backpack full of rocks. I was suffocating under the weight of my childhood and I needed to be free.
Not only that, blaming my father for everything that went wrong was a very disempowering experience.
I needed to take my power back, and forgiveness seemed like the first step.
Forgiveness As an Act of Kindness to Yourself
This isn’t a magic pill that will fix everything. Nothing will.
It’s just an act of kindness to yourself. Not your parent! Yourself.
It’s about giving yourself the permission to let go of the load you’ve been carrying since you were a kid.
Your abusive parent doesn’t suffer from it; you do.
Emotional pain, when stored for long periods of time, has a tendency to fester, and to sip through every aspect of your life.
You’re not even thinking about it, yet you’re acting from it, and your life starts going in a certain direction.
So change the direction.
An act of sincere forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools of self-healing. Nothing is like it.
It can literally change everything, like a butterfly effect that suddenly changes the trajectory of your life in unimaginable ways.
Most importantly, it can give you a sense of peace and calm, and that the world is a safe place again.
Forgiveness Exercise That Can Help You Let Go of the Load
It’s a very simple exercise, and the beauty of it is: you don’t have to talk to your parent about it at all.
It’s just between you and your past.
Write a letter to your parent telling them exactly how they made you feel and how deeply they scarred you.
Don’t hold back. Curse your little heart out!
Write it all out in every detail you can think of. Make a list, if it helps.
We tend to remember the words and actions that cut us deep, so you’ll have no trouble writing down everything they did that hurt you.
It doesn’t have to be a dissertation but make sure you write down everything you remember, and that you’re as honest as possible.
Also, try to express your emotions as fully as you can, and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up.
Then finish your letter with: “I forgive you. I love you.”
These are very powerful words. As you’re writing these words, you may have tears streaming down your cheeks. You may shudder or shake.
In other words, you will feel the release, and then a feeling of incredible peace and joy.
Or you may feel resistance as you’re writing these words, because you still feel like your abusive parent doesn’t deserve your forgiveness.
In that case, focus on your intention to let go of the toxic energy and heal. They may not deserve forgiveness but you do!
This is a choice that you’re making for yourself, your family, your happiness, your future. Let go, just let go.
Do this exercise now.
Abusive Parent Forgiveness Affirmation
I acknowledge that my parents are imperfect, and they did the best they could. I forgive them for any harm that they knowingly or unknowingly did to me. I forgive myself for holding a grudge against them. And as I embrace true forgiveness, I open my life up to light, laughter, and joy.“
If You’re Not Willing to Forgive Your Abusive Parent
Guess what? That’s OK.
Forgiveness can be healing and empowering, but only when it’s sincere. If it comes from guilt or outside pressure, it’s worthless.
Sometimes you’re just not willing to forgive.
Maybe the pain is so familiar, it’s almost comforting. Maybe you want to ‘punish’ your parent by not forgiving them. Or maybe you’re waiting to be asked for forgiveness.
Don’t hold your breath though. Abusers rarely, if ever, are self-aware enough to recognize the harm they caused.
In the case of paternal abuse, it’s even less likely because it would mean admitting to being a bad parent, and who is willing to do that?
Take your time. Work through the emotions connected to your childhood abuse some more. Then revisit the forgiveness exercise.
I know you can do it, even if you think that what your parent has done to you is unforgivable.
Have you tried to forgive your parents for abuse? Let me know in the comments!
P.S. Dedication
I dedicate this post to all the kids who were abused, be it physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse. I know what a scary and lonely experience it is. But it doesn’t have to be a defining moment of your life.
I also dedicate this to my father who was an obvious inspiration for this article. I love you, and I am trying my best to forgive you.
NEXT
20 Heartbreaking Signs of a Manipulative Mother
7 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent With a Martyr Complex
How to Deal With a Difficult Parent: 6 Strategies to Keep Your Sanity
My parents where physically and emotionally abusive however they will never admit there abuse because they provided shelter, food and so on… my dad pointed a gun at me while kicking me to stay down all the while yelling at me to get up because a boy called house I was 16 / 17 at the time. I was constantly compared to cousins told I was not smart and when I was in fourth grade my mom would beat me bcuz before taking me to school I didn’t clean the house but watched cartoons. I’m having a hard time letting the pain go I don’t want an apology that won’t change anything I want to not be haunted by my childhood
Hi Ana,
I’m so sorry you had to experience so much abuse as a child. Know that you don’t owe anyone forgiveness and you certainly don’t need an apology to move on. Letting go of this pain is not easy but I know it is possible. Look into inner child healing. You can write a letter to your younger self, write a letter to your parents (without sending it), or do inner child meditations… Those are just some examples of inner child work. Wishing you well,
Lana
I started the battle for forgiveness years ago. Both my parents were abusive. While my father was the main abuser my mother was no walk in the park and she was also very complacent if not encouraging at times to the abuse me and my siblings endured.
I have chosen forgiveness for myself and sometimes I feel I’ve achieved it and other times I don’t. Hence the embattled journey for forgiveness. My father passed some years ago and it feels like I have mastered forgiving him easier than my mother. He was a very troubled man who did very bad things but also was nice at times (though not many). He knew what he’d done, didn’t deny it but did downplay it all as not being that bad. My mother is still alive and is the real battle. She genuinely feels no remorse for being a complacent bystander and has openly told me she doesn’t see how she should be held accountable due to the fact that it wasn’t she who was actually inflicting the abuse. She’s a woman very centered on herself as opposed to others, has a weak conscience and I often describe her as a bad person on the inside who can do nice things at times. She has some health issues and I’m the only one willing and close enough to take her shopping and to her appointments. I owe her nothing and assist out of a sense of what I feel is the right thing to do and the begrudging idea that If I have truly forgiven her, even if just for myself, than I shouldn’t have negative feelings or issue caring for her. That’s my big struggle. She makes snide comments regarding the past, low key mocks me for having PTSD and other issues and though she tries to hide her true self, the meanness that is her personality often seeps out. So I am still struggling with how or if I have truly forgiven her because she still is able to enrage me with her words and very presence.
People have very different ideas of what forgiveness actually is, so this word is a tricky one to use. Perhaps it should be very clearly defined? Otherwise, great article. I understand that religion is often twisted and most people who tout passages are doing so to further their own agendas, but if you take a giant step back and compare every major religion in the world, they are all based on one common theme: love. Unfortunately many religions have twisted that into hate disguised as love: mostly hating women by setting up impossible parameters for women to live by and receive love for, thereby ensuring that women are constantly denigrated and punished by society… to include abuse of young girls etc. But truly, there is an eternal life for our spirits beyond this world. There is a moment after death when the spirit is released and either transcends to a heavenly place of love and peace or descends to an eternity of misery and utter void. I think forgiveness is about realizing that these people in your life, who have caused you great pain and stolen your innocence or happiness, and who refuse to give you the loving gift of a simple apology (whether or not they believe they are at fault), are most likely miserable deep inside. And miserable people have miserable spirits, and sadly, if they cannot self-reflect and cleanse their own demons by acknowledging the pain they have caused others and offering the gift of an apology, they most likely are going to hell. So we forgive them for being so incredibly damaged, prideful, and ignorant that they have not only destroyed a great part of our lives, but are also destroying their own eternity in the spirit world. We forgive them because they are pitiful souls who have no idea what they are condemning themselves to.
This is why Buddhist monks sit idly for decades – they are so afraid of any action causing pain to others that they don’t know what to do, so they do nothing and try to connect with the universe for answers. Any food they eat, clothes they wear, anything they do or say, is tainted by the evil in this world – whether it be modern day slave labor or whatever. It’s all tainted and none of us can escape it.
This is why Jesus preferred the company of sinners – thieves and murderers who asked for forgiveness. It’s an extreme example of self-reflection for a murderer to cry and apologize and genuinely beg for forgiveness. It’s supposed to be an example for us all to be able to see that we should humble ourselves and acknowledge the pain we most certainly have caused others.
So many comments here from parents who have broken the cycle of abuse – but guess what? You are hurting your child in one way or another. You just haven’t reached the point in parenthood where they hate you for it yet. We all screw up our children in different ways and we are all screwed up by our parents in different ways. Some are just more obvious than other and garner more gasps from society than others. The bar of what is considered child abuse is always changing. Something you are doing today, will be seen as abuse 30 years from now. So don’t go gloating that you’re not as bad as your parents. We all are hurting one another, hopefully most of us unintentionally, and we all should offer apologies when requested and we all should feel sorry for anyone who hates themselves and other too much to apologize when requested. That sort of pride is why most people will wind up in hell.
So yeah, as much as it sucks, and yes, I have been abused in every way possible too, we need to forgive our abusers because we are hurting people too. We aren’t any better than they are, whether we realize it or not. We all have caused another human being misery at some point in our lives, and it’s not up to us to judge whether or not that other human should have felt misery from our actions or words. It’s up to us to be humble and loving and forgiving. I really don’t know how else to put it. Like I said, forgiveness is a tricky word and so many people have different ideas of what it is. But it is NOT a gift to the offender. The offender’s apology is the only gift they can give to you and to themselves. It is cleansing to apologize. For the victim though, the cleansing is in forgiveness because when you can’t accept the damage and move on and when you can’t understand that the other person’s actions against you are ultimately more damaging to them than to you, then you are only hurting yourself. The best revenge is a life well lived and a clean, loving spirit. The best feelings comes from knowing they could not break you, and nobody can break you.
Wow, thanks so much for this comment. It was SUPER helpful!! Well said!
Thank you so much for this article! I’m glad I found it! I’m proud of you for getting through this and for being able to get to a place of love and forgiveness. Thank you for spreading your love, light and for sharing your heart and your experience! It’s what I needed! Hugs and love!
There are REAL TEARS streaming down my face. This article is monumental in my healing. I feel so seen, understood and loved. I am finally in a place where I can grasp forgiving my parents and seeing them for the broken unhealed children within who never had the opportunity to heal their wounds. Thank you so much, and God (or whatever Higher Power you subscribe to, if any) BLESS you abundantly for being such a beautiful light to us survivors.
I did it just this second and understand what the calm peacefulness mesns
hopefully I’ll one day forgive my abusive parents, but I can day for sure I will never love one of them. there’s nothing wrong with that, I’ve never felt like I had a dad despite having both bio parents alive and still married. I recently received an “apology” letter from my “dad” that was the most frustrating thing ever to read as it was emotionally manipulative and placing equal blame on us not having a relationships despite me having to leave for good at 16/17 after he would regularly kick me out starting at 12yo. he lied to mental health professionals but demanded they help me and acted like he cared. I was mismedicated (no sympathy for med side effects, yes i was physically abused by him for those and after effects of when i was raped), misdiagnosed and then labelled as difficult (the treatment for disorders I didn’t have made me a lot worse but it was looked at as a choice). he was quick to tell me if was my fault when I was raped at 14 and when he kicked me out briefly at 12yo it was because he found out I was cutting and “only pagans cut themselves” and he “wouldn’t have a pagan living under his roof.” he tried to get my mom to put me in a group home at 14 and she almost did but i ran away. he gave me several concussions, and he even choked me in front of various people. everyone just saw me as a difficult kid. he never protected me, but he gave me ptsd. to this day, he won’t admit anything he’s done and thinks we have an equal part in our non existent relationship. his letter after over 11 or 12yrs of no contact shows he hasn’t changed at all and gives me peace about my decision to never speak with or see him again. he didn’t love me, there’s a laundry list of reasons and “evidence” I can give, and my mom blamed me for “making him angry” and believed I was to blame as he only ever took his anger out on me (the youngest who had chronic health problems). I think I can forgive him one day, and maybe that won’t be til he passes, but I am not capable of loving him. he manipulated my mother well but I’m realizing how much more she knew and enabled or encourages of his behaviour (she was never a victim, he treated he like gold and she told me form a very young age that your spouse always comes first no matter what). my parents made me believe I was unlovable and responsible for the emotions of the entire family. everything was somehow my fault and my accomplishments were down played (very gifted academically) but any mistake I made was met with violence, psychological abuse, isolation, and when I was older, brief periods of homelessness. my parents, especially my “dad” never loved me. I have a big heart for people and animals when they’re struggling, I can forgive an awful lot with a heartfelt apology and an explanation, but I struggle to figure out how to forgive someone who hasn’t changed and is still attempting to manipulate me. again, I believe i can forgive them one day, but as far as I’m concerned, I never had a father to love, I only had a man who violently abused me from the age of 2.
I felt exactly the same way 2 minutes ago but it just poured out of me. It’s not about your mind thinking it when your ready just try. You’ll probably get to the end and hesitate but I promise you’ll realise it’s releasing and letting it go. You whole body feels like it’s deflated but calm and and clear about everything. But mostly I feel like i have space in my head and I can’t process that it’s time to let go x
I want to forgive my father for childhood sexual, physical and verbal abuse, and my mother for not comforting or helping me when I came to her. But what do you mean by “forgive”? I’ve read this article a few times and I don’t know in practical terms what forgiveness means or looks like. Surely it doesn’t mean allowing them to be close to you in a way you would a safe person. So what exactly is it like to forgive?
Reading this article has been a light bulb moment for me and helps me understand; as a lady in her 50’s with children of my own; why I still struggle with my parents. I’m not sure if I’ll ever forgive them but do understand how this can help. At this stage for me just understanding the dynamics and why I feel like I do gives me a sense of peace. I don’t understand why some of the comments are so abusive – surely if you don’t agree with something you just stop reading it and move on?
Why should I forgive it just telling them that ok to do I no love sympathy for them never ever get see my kids or see me get married plus a big f u to my brother just as abusive to no offense something mentally wrong with you if you forgive you might as well say I love you abused me so do it again. Why Americans this pussfied worship parents like they greatest thing ever do this it’s disgusting. The weak forgive the strong don’t. Why I never let near my kids get married I won’t invite them and as icing on cake I put in craziest nursing home there is as punishment never speak or allow my family to. Remember people people this this writer try shame you make you feel bad don’t it’s what Americans do they shame those don’t forgive blame victim.
Sorry, but bulshit …
I confronted my abuser and he didn’t acknowledge the harm he caused to me, he said he was sorry but that it was not so bad as i think, it was not perpetuated for as many time as i was saying, that he didn’t do this or that (horrible details i remember vividly), so i felt abused again and so, so, so disrespected, as i was lying or being crazy.
So in general forgivness is not a word this kind of people deserve, pay atention: YOU ARE NOT OBLIGED to forgive a person that abused you! even if they say they’re “sorry”, even less if they don’t take responsability on what they did. Don’t put another burden on your shoulders, you have all right to feel that they don’t deserve “forgivness”.
I’m in peace with ME, i forgive MYSELF for not being able to defend myself as a child, to don’t have a voice at that period to ask for help, for not being able to impose myself. This is the real thing you may focus on, to nurture yourself with all understanding, loving and caring you can.
I agree. If the abuser comes to a place where they want to be honest with them self about their actions or inactions, and repent of what they did and ask for forgiveness, then I believe it is your place to forgive. As I understand forgiveness, it is a mutual act that takes place between two parties: the forgiver and the forgiven. If you say “I forgive you” to someone who is not there to receive it, then nothing really took place. You are making up a false reality. You can’t force forgiveness on someone who doesn’t want it. Perhaps the author should say “let go” instead of “forgive.”
Your comment is so true, both of my parents are dead, I can’t forgive them for the shocking abuse of my brother and myself.
both were shockingly abusive, then nice. what hurts equally as much is people knew and nobody helped us. your article has helped, really helped. thankyou.
I want to forgive my parents but it’s so difficult when the memories of the horrific abuse are so vivid. I’m glad I survived to be able to grow to adulthood. I had my life threatened more than a few times. I do see the point of this article. I want to forgive for my own peace of mind and so I can move on with my life.
Forgiveness huh? I should forgive my abusive parents, not gonna happen. Why wasn’t my mother forgiving my brother and I for doing something wrong before she beat the shit out of us. Why wasn’t my father forgiving me before shunning me every opportunity he had, only to bend over backwards for my older brother, why couldn’t he forgive me for the great sin of being born. I did something wrong in their eyes and was never forgiven for it. Now I am being told I should give my forgiveness to the very people who did nothing but take from me my whole life. I never raise a hand to my children, I hold myself accountable for breaking the abuse cycle. Forgiving my parents would be akin to admitting I was wrong for not forgiving them sooner, and I will not hold myself accountable for their actions.
I think the problem with this article is that the term “forgiveness” is used misleadingly. The concept of forgiveness for most people implies that the victim of a transgression will let go of negative emotions from the incident, the perpetrators accept accountability for their actions and everyone returns to the status quo. This article discusses how victims of abuse can release negative emotions from wrongs done to them when the perpetrators are not remorseful or accountable for the harm they cause. This is different from forgiveness because there is no return to the status quo or commitment from the perpetrator to discontinue their harmful behaviors. I think that letting go of negative emotion is extremely important for our mental well-being , and techniques that help achieve this are very useful for those of us who have suffered abuse. But there is no resolution between victim & perpetrator where we can return to the status quo relationship. This is where I think the article is misleading.
Hi ☺️
Forgiveness is like the ocean hitting the beach. You forgive, the water goes out, and then a painful memory comes up and crash right up to the beach again! It’s a lifetime of forgiveness.
your words resonate with me, I feel so tired of forgiving…that I now feel angry…its too complicated and it makes me feel hopeless
Yea as someone who grew up being told to forgive people and being raised with the Bible (by force)… it’s still one of the most terrible advice I’ve ever received. I think being told this as a child has an even more severe impact that being told as an adult. Because adults know better. Children don’t. Not only was I required to forgive others, my brother didn’t have to do it. Clearly my parents chose to make me do it because I was the weaker/easy one. Let’s be honest here. As a kid, and into young adulthood, forgiveness led to more and more abuse. I’m talking years and years of abuse. Not just with family but with friends/relationships as well. And what’s worse is that I realized other friends were not required to forgive. Nor did they ever forgive people. It’s just something people say but don’t mean. People always say it’s not “forgive and forget,” but the way I see it, if you can’t explain what forgiveness is to a small child, then clearly it shouldn’t be thrown about as good advice. People just make up the definition of forgiveness and tell you you’re just doing it wrong. And some people spend lifetimes trying to forgive, when the truth is it doesn’t work. I’ve never met a person where forgiveness has helped them. They usually get re-victimized by the very presence of the abuser. It’s just something people say to victims so they stay in bad situations and their family benefits. The people who get better are the ones that walk away. And another thing, what does it even mean to forgive someone you’re not even talking to anymore? So just telling yourself to “let go of anger” will just magically happen and you’ll stop being angry? Is that what people call forgiveness? That’s stupid advice. As another commenter says, the better advice is learning how to move on.
I do not want to forgive the adults that abused me as a child . All forgiving them does is once again turning the other cheek because I had no alternative.
I suffered and was kept silent.
I had no one to turn to it was a different world it was a long time ago .
I suffered years of abuse in every way before even being out of elementary school.
Hungry ,beaten, neglected belittled ,fondled ,held down and raped .
One abuser dead, two left . I can smile and wait . Quietly softly waiting.
I alway said I could write a book to make Oprah blush .My advise from experience do what ever you have to do to make peace with yourself .
You don’t owe anyone anything it’s your story .
Kelly,
I’m sorry for your ugly childhood! It totally fucking sucks because we as children have this one life to live and this was the cards dealt to us and it really fucking blows!!! I too am a victim, survivor, or whatever people want to label us all and feel very similar to the words within your statement. As a child, I was sexually abused by five family members (step father #2, Mom’s brother, mom’s cousin who is now gay, dad’s side my two male cousins). Mom knew when I was about 3ish when I was diagnosed with gonorrhea but back in the mid 70’s my pediatrician didn’t report it and neither did she. To this day, I still don’t know who gave me this disease and not everyone knows about my abuse. We kept it quiet for 30 years. Did I mention mom stayed with her husband when he did admit the abuse but promised to stop drinking if she stayed. She says she’s sorry for being neglectful as she continued to leave me with these family abuser babysitters because she needed her free time out. I’m now rambling but wanted to just thank you for your post and affording me this first time opportunity to vent.
Wow, Lana, you are literally re-abusing abuse survivors here.
You reply in the comments like you have to be right, with one-upmanship and rhetoric. Your article impressed me a bit, but your replies to the sincere commenters who have been horribly abused have turned me off entirely.
Don’t tell people they didn’t read the article just because they disagree with you. They understood what you wrote–THEY DISAGREE WITH IT. Can YOU read THEIR comments and really understand what they are saying? Forgiveness isn’t a magic trick. Don’t push what worked for you on others. And if that is your attitude (I’m right and you need to accept it) and you can’t change that toxic attitude, please don’t be a therapist, because you can do enormous harm. If love is truly your focus, you need to look into love a little more deeply.
Wow. Ok. It’s interesting that you’re telling me to look into love more while saying the most unkind things to me.
Maybe my answers were insensitive in some way but I was never unkind. It was my impression that most people who were offended by this article misunderstood the central idea. That’s what I was trying to clarify – that forgiveness doesn’t mean letting someone off the hook, and that I don’t push this on anyone! It’s always a choice, not a duty.
Concerning the rest of your comment, writing about these topics is not easy. Trauma, abuse, toxic relationships – those are sensitive, triggering things, unless you’re writing in a cold, dry, clinical manner. I accept that and I accept people disagreeing with me or even attacking me on a personal level. Because in reality, it is such a small percentage of the feedback I receive. I have people thanking me for this blog almost daily, and I am incredibly grateful for my readers and for the privilege to do what I do. I’m not perfect but I put my heart and soul into this blog. So don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t be. Have a nice day.
I have found that all people understand forgive differently. I understand it the same way you do. I
Forgiveness has allowed me to move on from my own trauma. It doesn’t mean I condone the actions or hang out with my perpetrators, but I’ve let go of my anger and have moved on with my life. I also recognise that this is an extremely hard thing to do and which is why we all perceive forgiveness in our own way. Sometimes the pain is too strong to forgive them.
hello….I don’t think you have to say you love someone to forgive them. It’s already hard enough to forgive people sometimes over and over again but to say you love someone as part of a ritual but not at all what you actually truly feel amounts to insanity and separates one from the authenticity and integrity of their feelings and themselves. Not sure why you added this ‘I love you’ in this exercise?! I appreciate the idea of forgiveness but when there are soooo many reminders of what has been affected or destroyed in one’s life as time passes, you don’t just feel better doing one forgiveness ritual. You have to constantly ne aware and let go of the anger in a multitude of ways and management and time and time again. So this ‘I forgive x person ‘ isn’t what works in managing feelings akin to PTSD day after day over a lifetime, for most people. It’s also important to not make the victims feel worse and even more impotent than they already feel by making them carry even more responsibility if they cannot manage to forgive. I think there are other better practical ways to manage day to day invasive thoughts from the past and the reality of the damage it carries on causing in one’s life sometimes unfolding in front of their eyes for the rest of their lives and helpless to do anything about it. I think learning let’s good anger management , or dealing with panic attacks, or how to exercise, sleep better, think better by welcoming psychologically more well versed on these subjects, greater understanding, creative outlets etc…are much more useful and practical than a forgiveness ritual in which you then have to say I love you to someone you actually don’t love. Love is loving…I cannot feel loving towards people who abused me. Impossible as I feel repelled by them and pity at best. People should never say things they don’t feel or believe to themselves. That can create fragmentation in the personality and mental health problems.
I was reading some forgivness quotes and came up with one of my own.
“Forgivness does not erase the past, it highlights the future.”
Scott
Forgivness comes from within.
I know I have memories of my father beating me. I think I have forgiven him but I can’t figure out how to forgive my mother for standing there watching it take place and not so much as asking him to stop. Then both carried on as if it never happened.
We learn from our parents. Even when they are at their worst. I have two children and a wonderfull wife. I am proud of ourselves for bringing them to adulthood without raising a hand or a voice. Did I need a beating to learn how to raise children? I guess I will know if we ever have grandchildren. Till then the memories keep popping up. I have a relationship with my father that at times I still need to take a break from. I can’t figure out how to make amends with my mother.
Well if you’re at all religious, you can’t forgive someone who has not apologized. It says so in the Bible and the Q’ran the forgiveness is not unconditional. There is a condition and it is made by this guy Jesus or Muhammad pbuh… The offender must willingly repent, show remorse and full understanding for how they damaged you… They must make no excuse. They must just issue the apology, acknowledge the damage and promise to never do it again and then ask for forgiveness. Then and only then can you actually forgive but you don’t have to. I personally will not forgive and not only because the Sea Hag is not one iota sorry and continues to gaslight, lie, blame shift, victim blame… And is not one bit remorseful… She won’t even admit what she did. Even though I got her on speakerphone and have three witnesses, she continues to lie. Well to hell with her and all her enablers/abuse endorsers / flying monkey golden children. I curse them all. Going no contact with the best decision ever made. And if any scapegoats are wondering if they’ll be left in the will, stop dreaming. They never helped you and you were alive so why will they help you in their dead? I’ve been disinherited and the golden children of course will happily scarf up my share of the will. Hope they choke on it. It’s delightful to remember that money can’t buy cool and I can’t buy style or talent OR remarkableness. When the boring person wins will money, they’re just a boring person with money. All narcissists are empty husk only shaped like humans. They’re driven by pathological envy and the existing of vacuum with As If personalities; forever badly assimilating and trying to masquerade as people that they are not. They like to pretend that they’re holy but they only try to defy themselves. They are pathetic and they don’t deserve to even be alive since they are a blight to humanity. Hopefully soon, they will all become extinct.
Religion doesn’t make a person a ‘forgiver’. I live my life without using manmade words such as believe, think and hope to get me through rough times for they are all words for those that think, believe and hope things will get better. One must do… not beleive, think or hope.
The thing that torments me isn’t that I haven’t been able to forgive the abusers.
The thing that torments me is that despite me knowing it’s not right, society has programmed me that we’re required to forgive to be good people and now I’m in a place where I literally can’t reconcile even if they were worth it because they are dead and I am old. This sort of mentality has destroyed my life and self image and made it impossible for me to live a normal life. Now I’m stuck with most of my life gone and nothing to show for it because of people that tout this sort of abuser-centric mentality. You should be teaching people how to move on, and that’s it.
Even worse, you replied with religious-centric answers when many people were abused by religious parents. And don’t even say they aren’t ‘real Christians’ because I studied their book well to confirm and they were actually toned down from the actions it encourages. I can’t possibly list all the examples though sites like evilbible.com does a pretty good job of it. I wouldn’t worship such a wicked monster even if I literally believed I’d go to Hell for not doing it.
Hi Lana,
Half-way through the comments I had to stop reading. I just wanted to say thank you. I’ve never seen this site before, but I understood immediately that it was more like a blog article rather than something written by a professional. I understood everything you were suggesting a person to consider based on your experience. Wow how many people were triggered and projecting so much hate, criticism, and negative and low energy. I found your responses very graceful.
In short, I recently had a flood of repressed memories come up regarding sexual abuse by my father. (I knew from 17 that I had been abused but not by who or to what extent.) For decades I even tried to protect my parents! I didn’t want them to suffer or feel guilty for having protected me! This year when I realized it was my own deceased father and I on three occasions from casually to very directly confronted my mother, I was floored by her reaction or lack-there-of. I also had moved out of state to get away from my family at 17, and continued to move farther and farther away, to another country. I was getting ready to buy a house in my hometown to be more available for my mom and her health problems when I discovered the truth (through intensive therapy sessions, spiritual work, brain rewiring techniques, and a small support from pharmaceuticals for the anxiety). Anyway my mom barely responded to me, played the victim mostly, never actually confirmed or denied anything, and in her borderline narcissistic way pretends like everything is normal and silently makes sure I know how sorry and guilty she feels, that she wasn’t a good enough mom (again, without saying what she is sorry for, or how she wasn’t a good enough mom etc). In a few months I have to go home for my sister’s wedding. There’s a ton more trauma etc, background info… But I found this article today because it’s weeks, months that this is weighing heavy on me. This desire to forgive her for letting it happen… but I feel resentful about it. I do feel spiritually it would be good for me, but I’m not ready yet. I’ve forgiven for the most part certain other family members… I hope eventually I can forgive her.
So thank you for writing this. I can’t say that I necessarily learned anything new, but it just was helpful to read someone else’s experience. To be reminded we all have our own baggage of various kinds. There’s hope. To get rid of that voice that so often says “why me?” (Spiritually I was raised Catholic, but have a universal approach and deeply believe in karma, intergenerational trauma, chakras etc)
To anyone reading this and struggling, personally I have found the best type of therapy to be a mixture of talk (with an energy healer not a psychologist!) and EFT tapping. And finally admitting I needed professional support of drug therapy, I found a neurologist I trusted and to do a short-term course of drugs to balance the chemicals in my brain helped me to have the strength to confront the trauma head on without my body super freaking out.
Writing helps activate a particular region of the brain that helps to calm the fight or flight response, but handwriting is more important than any typing. Also saying verbally out load the things does the same activation.
I really encourage everyone to find the holistic approach that works best for them. Baby steps to self-healing. For me it has nothing to do with family reunification. For me, it’s about taking the best care I can of my future self, being the best version of myself for my present self, and self-loving and self-protecting my inner child. Letting her know everyday, that we are safe now, we are no longer in that scary place, that it wasn’t her fault the bad stuff, it wasn’t her fault that despite the bad stuff she loved her parents because at the time she wasn’t really aware that it was that bad, she didn’t know better and did what she had to survive. I thank my past self, I’m protecting my present self, and am excited for my future self.
Forgiveness, whether silent or not, for the abuser(s) and those who failed to protect you, is only one potential step towards healing. There is no straight path, and no one-size-fits-all. Just because today you can’t or don’t want to, doesn’t mean in the future you won’t. And just because today you choose to forgive, doesn’t mean in the future your feelings won’t change. Forgiveness is not a carved in stone, definitive feeling. We are all very complex beings– mind, body, spirit, and emotions. I take baby steps everyday to try to improve one area.
Love is the most powerful energy in our universe. It doesn’t have to be romantic, it doesn’t have to be for family… it can be for yourself, for the world, for friends, for animals, for plants, for a hobby…. whatever tiny or large thing, real or abstract, you can find to love… hold on to that, feed it… and slowly with that, it’s impossible not to heal. ❤️
Instead of phoney forgiveness, that never works,it is a dream, do what I did,tell them they will never hurt me or my family ever again, then take control and keep moving forward life is to short they cant take your joy.unless u give it up
YES!
This is so poorly written and UNFACTUAL. Why would you say that the chances of them owning up to abuse are LESS THAN WINNING THE LOTTERY?? Please show me the scientific peer-reviewed study that shows the probability of abusive parents owning up to abuse…. ? Lots of other examples of statements that are opinions but stated as facts. If you are going to write an OPINION piece about healing you need to write it as such.
Valerie,
this article isn’t about abusive parents owning up to abuse…In fact, I clearly state that the probability of that is slim. The article is about forgiving for the sake of letting go of the pain and the anger. It’s written from a spiritual perspective, for those people who can relate to it. But since you’re interested, there is abundant research about the beneficial effects of forgiveness on psychological and physical wellbeing. For example, here is a study that analyzes this association in detail: https://doi.org/10.1080/08870446.2018.1545906
Sincerely,
Lana
Forgiveness without receiving apology isn’t forgiveness. It’s enabling. Forgiveness IS conditional. Says so in the Bible… Matthew :18. Or was Jesus wrong?
I’m not sure which Bible you’re referring to. Where does it say that forgiveness is conditional? Jesus’s message – although open to anyone’s interpretation – is overwhelmingly about love and forgiveness. Even the main Christian prayer says to “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
If you’re talking about self-redemption, then yes, God’s forgiveness requires owning up to one’s sins and asking for God’s mercy and forgiveness, according to Christian doctrine. But that’s a different topic entirely.
And didn’t Jesus forgive everyone, including the people who crucified him? Or did they all deliver sincere apologies as they were nailing him to the cross?
You don’t need to bring religion into this discussion, Denise. Forgiveness isn’t about what Jesus said or didn’t say. It’s what’s in your heart and mind. It’s an act of self-love.
your article mentioned religion.
so people responding to your article can bring up religion as well. or do you have a no talking about religion rule?
here is the quote you are unfamiliar with in the Bible which you obviously are unfamiliar with otherwise you wouldn’t ask me which Bible I’m referring to.
Matthew:18(QUOTE on sin and the conditions of forgiveness.)
Dealing With Sin in the Church
15 “If your brother or sister[b] sins,[c] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[d] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
(AKA go and stay no contact. forgiveness in such instance, without meeting above stated requirements by Jesus Christ… is not possible)
While still not the best way to say it, the bit about lottery is pretty clearly not meant to be literal.
Re read it again or have someone read it to you. The article does not say what your implying.
i tried to forgive but i can’t forget what my dad did to me. he is verbal abuser he called me bitch and many more.now i am grown up lady with anger,hate,low selfsteam,frightened to get marry what wrong did i do to deserve this😥.
Just know that it is NOT your fault. You must realize that they have a problem with themselves, that they are sick and miserable people. The sooner you realize it and begin to analyze them like you are an outsider, you will see it and get your strength back and understand that YOU are a very strong person for tolerating this nonsense. So start liking yourself and finding out your strengths and how much likable you are to other people. Concentrate on YOU and your goals and Your Happiness. And just move along into the Life and or family You want to create. You do not owe them nothing. If you are an adult, not even a good morning. In other words just do what makes you happy. If it is being away from them , just do it. Don’t feel bad for them ever. The reason is that they will Never accept your kindness. And if they ‘show’ you they do, down the road it is because they probably need you. Otherwise they never truly want anything from you. And you know why is that? Because they know you are much better soul then them and they just can’t accept it! Good Luck! There is light at the end of the tunnel. I know….
Forgiveness itself is toxic. The concept has been carefully packaged by leading therapists whose specialty is REHABILITATING ABUSERS and whose goal is FAMILY REUNIFICATION. Doesn’t anybody see the hook there???
They created the “forgiveness” concept to reach victims and bring them back into relationships with their children.
Forgiveness was carefully repackaged so that it would work for everyone and wasn’t escapable. Victim became a dirty word. Victims are crybabies, wallowers who like feeling sorry for themselves. Be a SURVIVOR, not a weakling victim!
God forgives, so you must. only bad people don’t forgive, so you are a mean crybaby.
They even redefined forgiveness so it doesn’t mean you absolve your abusers of blame. It’s not for them, they say with beaming smiles, it’s for you! (If it was for me, I’d be granting it – or nit – after an apology)
Abusers get forgiveness, victims are left to suffer in silence with the guilt of being a bad whiner when The Wondrous Amazing Magic Forgiveness Cure doesn’t work for them. You don’t feel better and certainly not healed.
Say so, and the Forgive Farmacists get back in your face, but now they are mean. You will go to hell because you don’t forgive, don’t give what you will probably need for your own sins, you just like being ANGRY, and (their favorite) BITTER WHINY VICTIM. (You aren’t even the criminal here!)
Forgiveness made me feel like I got on my knees and kissed their rear ends. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I took my mean ANGER and BITTERNESS and became an activist and therapist. I tell my patients if forgiveness doesn’t work for them then they need different therapy – because some meds just don’t work for everyone. Don’t feel bad about yourself. You aren’t the bad person here. Your abuser is.
Reunification is not my goal. My focus is abuse victims.
Hi Diana,
I would disagree with the statement that forgiveness is a gimmick invented by therapists. Forgiveness as a concept has been around since the beginning of time. For example, Jesus taught to forgive your enemies. Numerous other religions teach and encourage forgiveness as a way to cleanse the soul. Buddhism — which is not a religion per see but a philosophy — is all about forgiveness and compassion. As the Bhagavad Gita says, “If you want to see the brave, look to those who can return love for hatred. If you want to see the heroic, look to those who can forgive.”
It doesn’t mean that we condone what happened in the past or put the abuser above the victim. In fact, forgiveness to me is fully understanding the impact of the abuse, separating from the abuser, committing to never let the abuse happen again, and then moving past it. Of course, this process isn’t quick or easy.
Reunification isn’t the goal for me either. But I think you’re throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
Forgiveness is not toxic. It’s ancient and beautiful and elevating.
Peace,
Lana
You’re literally using religion to why people should forgive? How highly unproffesional to base your arguments from personal beliefs! Not everyone is religious, and even then, certain philosophical streams like Taoism which was also regarded as a religion until the 17th century in China (its where the Yin&Yang symbol comes from) and that has had ties with Buddhism, doesn’t actually preaches things about forgiveness. Simply that one needs to be compassionate, virtuous and in harmony with the universe and the lifepath that is uniquely meant for you.
Not forgiving one person who scarred me forever doesn’t takes away my compassion and considering I literally feel urges to pull a Van Gogh so I will never have to hear my mother’s voice again, or stab myself in the eye sockets because seeing my mom sometimes genuinely makes my skin crawl after everything she’s done to me, I feel like what is best for me, is not forgiving her. I tried, for years, but when I see she’s not going to change or be sorry, then I can’t. Trying to forgive her, THAT ate at me, literally. I have GERD because my mom smoked during pregnancy and thus my lower esophageal sphincter didn’t properly develop. Trying to forget how I really felt and forgive her only to be hurt again and again literally triggered my GERD, ending up with episode after episode of uncontrollable vomiting until I ended up with my stomach bleeding. People can literally die from internal bleeding, I was lucky. I was only 20 years old at the time. I can tell you, not forgiving my mom and actually allowing myself to resent her actually improved my health. Not forgiving my mom, was the right path for myself.
Do you want your patients to actually live up to the age of 30? Tell them they don’t need to forgive their parents, because in some cases it can help the victim, but when the pain is too great like in the cases of victims that actually obtained PTSD like myself from their homelife, making the victim forgive their parents will only make them feel worse. Because there are some things that one can never forget and shouldn’t forgive. It’s toxic to think otherwise, and harmful to people like myself.
COS,
I understand why this article can be triggering. But I feel like every single person who left an angry comment here completely missed the point…or didn’t really read the whole article, just saw the words in the title – forgive an abusive parent – and immediately went off on a rant about how dare I suggest such a thing.
Just try reading and actually thinking about what it says here…
And where do I use religion? I simply point out that multiple religions teach and encourage forgiveness as a way to cleanse the soul and become closer to G-d or more God-like. Buddhism — which you mention — is all about forgiveness and compassion. It doesn’t “preach” forgiveness per se, but it is very much a part of its spirit and teachings. In the Bhagavad Gita it says, “If you want to see the brave, look to those who can return love for hatred. If you want to see the heroic, look to those who can forgive.”
But anyone is free to interpret any religion or philosophy any way they see fit.
I do not judge you for not forgiving your mom. Furthermore, I do not preach forgiveness to my patients because I do not have patients. I am not a therapist. This article is based on personal beliefs, as you pointed out, and it doesn’t pretend to be anything else. Take it or leave it.
Ya, then you ask the commenter aka me…”please don’t bring religion into the argument”. oh, so it’s okay for YOU to bring religion into the argument for forgiveness but it’s not okay for me to bring religion into the argument against forgiveness? did you look up Matthew 18 in the Bible? do so.
if forgiveness is the right response always, will you please explain why we have the judicial system? why are offenders sent to prison? why are they having to atone for their crimes and being sent to prison?
Why isn’t blanket forgiveness issued instead?
Hi Diana. I understand! I have a similar feeling about forgiveness, though I am near 60 and the intensity has diminished. I feel the word and concept has been popularised into some sort of smiley-NewAgey fantasy; an example of the strange twisted idea that behind everything in the universe is a Great Loving Power of Good. This is simply and blatantly untrue. The pain, misery, cruelty that humans inflict on each other, on other species, and on the entire planet far outweigh the good, and ‘forgiving’ (or apologising, letting go, etc) does not undo or heal any of the damage done. The possibly loving time of our creation could sometimes be considered a positive thing, but it lasts only a brief moment. From our birth, through all the years of our lives we experience the deep, irreversible effects of hardship and trauma, ending in an almost always unpleasant death. ‘Good’ does not dominate. ‘Forgiveness’ does not undo the devastation wrought on us by toxic people. And the toxic people swan through life, viciously making things go their way, remaining unscathed by and unpunished for the horrible things they do.
I understand your comments but do not agree with all of them.
Remove religion, therapists, and medication from the conversation and just try to understand that forgiveness is not a religious word. In ‘my’ dictionary it means ‘A way to move forward. Comes from one’s self. Not given.’
Honestly,
It would be something to be able to forgive my mother. Unfortunately, she is still the abuser…if it will never change, how can one forgive? If someone at least stopped the abuse, it may be something you could try to do..but if it hasn’t stopped?
Distance is the only thing that can bring that peace…forgiving at a distance..this is possible if you have no further contact and therefore, abuse to deal with..you can close the chapter imagining that the person is not abusive anymore..but in truth, if you were to reopen the channels, the crap would begin again…at least in my case..so forgiving her? Not yet…not soon I’m afraid..too much damage..
For me it’s hard to forgive my parents.
I understand they married young and were not mature or ready to be parents.
My dad was a serial cheater and would physically and emotionally abuse my mom. My mom then became angry, resentful and cold towards us. When my dad left, I felt peace because I didn’t have to see my mom get abused but then she turned into a mean person. She was now a single mother who was angry at my dad, she was resentful and had to deal with 3 children. As the oldest I had to become a parent to my younger siblings. I would get in trouble for anything they did.
When my dad would call to talk to us she would scream over the phone saying he didn’t love us and for him to send us money. I eventually stopped talking to him so I didn’t have to endure that.
I then focused on school and tried to be the best daughter so she wouldn’t have to worry about me.
I never felt close to my parents. I don’t feel love for them and don’t have that mother- daughter bond that people have. I honestly don’t want her in my life. I get anxiety when I hear from her.
Now I am dealing with issues in my marriage. I ended up marrying someone like both of my parents. We have been separated for a year and honestly wish he was out of my life. But we have two children together so that won’t happen.
I don’t trust anyone and don’t let anyone in since all I have known in life is that all those people whom I trusted at one point betrayed me or hurt me in the worst possible way.
The thing is though I have learned from my own parents mistakes and have vowed to be nothing like them.
I show my kids unconditionally love and give them a safe place to express their feelings.
I honestly just don’t want to forgive my mom..it’s exhausting for me because i felt like i gave and gave and still got nothing in return other than heart break.
Is it ok to not forgive them and just want them out of my life? I honestly feel more peace when I don’t hear from her.
I feel exactly the same as you. I went through the same road, got married and had two kids and now separated. I started realizing how much damage my parents caused in my 40s. I really do not believe that “forgiving” is the answer. I have been reading the “nice girl syndrome” book and found it really helpful. It recommends releasing your anger to the abusers and then going your own way, protecting yourself from all kinds of abusers. It argues that anger is not to be avoided but encouraged to really release those suppressed feelings. I don’t think forgiving is not helpful in releasing them, it gives only temporary relief, at least for some people.
We can all lay blame on abuse. It can actually change the direction of ones life. No argument.
Try to live your life without believing in things, thinking things will change or hoping it will get better. Become a doer…. make change… do the work… make it better. You already know what not to do to others so do more things that will make your life enjoyable. Forgivness happens. You can’t buy it or give it and it’s all yours not theirs.
Thank you for sharing, I feel so much relief that I am not the only one who feels this way. This is just like my situation. I have tied so hard to walk away. Now my mothers has dementia, so I will never be able to share how she hurt me. She still think she was the greatest mother, because we had shoes and clothes to ware. I recently had a conversation with her, and she asked me to go live with my father, I am a true (last name). Being in this situation, I am forced to pay fore her care, her sisters who think that it should be easy to forgive her an move on. This is such a difficult life. I just want her out of me life, which seem to be an impossible task. Forgiveness, I know is the principle to live by, I simple find is difficult to move on.
I read this article bc my son was abused by his step father and I find it difficult to forgive myself for allowing that to go on (son is 30 now) My hope is that he forgives me and when I read the words I forgive you I love you I balled my eyes out.
I believe my son loves both his parents and has told us he forgives but if this still tortures me I shutter to imagine what he goes through privately.
Hi Carolina,
self-forgiveness is the most difficult kind of forgiveness. Unfortunately, nobody can do it for us. Whether or not your son forgives you, you still have to forgive yourself.
Write a letter to yourself, your old self, at the time that the abuse occurred. Tell her how you feel. Try to understand why she did what she did. Write whatever you want there, whatever’s in your heart. If there’s anger, express it. If there’s disappointment, express it. Don’t hold back. Then finish it with: “I’ve learned from your mistakes, and I will no longer punish myself for the past. I love you, I forgive you.” Put the letter in an envelope and seal it. The next morning open the letter, read it, and burn it. Then make a donation (any amount you’re comfortable with) to a charity of your choice.
That’s it. Wishing you to find peace 🙂
Lana
My mother watched and did nothing when I was 15. I am 56 years old now and to this day wish she just whispered the word “stop”. Haven’t spoke to or seen her in decades.
I forgave my father after he acknowledged the beating he gave me was wrong. He doesn’t know it, but I forgave him which is why I have a relationship with him today.
My father admitting his actions was my door for forgiving him. Go see your son…
There are a number of things that are concerning in this article.
1. There is no obligation or requirement for healing to love your abuser. Love does not equal forgiveness nor release. There are plenty of people in the world whom you do not love and who have not committed abusive acts.
2. Requiring love for forgiveness is a gaslighting technique.
3. The affirmation is disturbing. It excuses the abuser’s behavior because it was the “best they could do.” How about an affirmation of forgiveness, release of the effects of the abuse? Instead, the responsibility of the abusive action is dismissed as out of the control of the abuser. Whether it was or not is not relevant to the occurrence or responsibility. It’s dismissive.
4. Resistance to forgiveness is structured as about the abuser (punishment or waiting to be asked) while forgiveness is about the victim– although about loving and accepting the abuser. Accepting the abuser is not the same as forgiving the abuser.
5. The difficulty of forgiveness often lies in accepting the pain and repercussions of the abuse, not the flaws of the abuser. Anger is usually a defense against that pain and not punishment of the abuser.
6. The whole article seems to confuse acceptance and forgiveness of trauma with apologizing to the abuser for not understanding the goal of the trauma or experience of the perpetrator. Forgiveness happens when the victim forgives the pain and accepts its occurrence– not when they extend care to the abuser.
Hi Ella,
thanks for your feedback. I find that everyone interprets the message of this article differently. That’s what you saw in it, and it’s fine. As long as you’re not confused within yourself, and moving toward forgiveness and/or acceptance in your own life.
Best wishes,
Lana
I would respectfully like to agree with Ella, I would recommend some self reflection on the comment instead of basically saying “oh thats just what you see”, its a very dismissive and undermining method of taking criticism.
Forgiving the abuser is a difficult concept for many people. Some even find it offensive. In my article, I stress that I don’t push anyone to forgive, and it’s not for everybody. It only makes sense if you see it from a spiritual perspective. For that reason, I don’t have any interest in debating it or proving anything to anyone. I apologize if it comes off as dismissive, it wasn’t my intention. All I’m saying is, to each his own. If you don’t feel the need to forgive to move on – then don’t.
Fully agree , the article put an extreme and unfair burden on the victim.
Forgivness is a strong word, not everybody deserve it.
I would feel very hurt if i had to say even to myself that i love the person that abused me. It is not true and it will never be.
Forgiving is hard but doable!
Agreed!
I have forgiven my mother. For years I felt guilty, thinking it was my fault. My mother emotionally abused me most of my life. She was manipulative, making me think that all of her problems were my fault. I believed it for many years. Even as a married adult, I still carried feelings of guilt and fear of not making her happy. When I finally realized that I hadn’t done anything wrong, then I was able to feel the pain that she emotionally hurt me. Once I saw it that way, I made the choice to forgive. It was not easy, but with God’s help I forgave her completely, and the feelings of guilt left. I thought of Jesus on the cross, and how He forgave me from my sin, then I was able to forgive my mother.
How did you do it i tried to let my mom know what she did to me she denied it and called me a lier and tried to get me and my sister to hate our dad when she was the one who slapped us around and called us horrible names behind our dads back and take her anger out on us all the time no remorse and falsely accused our dad of sexual abuse when he would never touch us that way and yell and scream at our dad in front of us as soon as he got home from work and has blacked my eye with a belt buckle my dad saw my eye and punched her in the face for it i was 3 years old when she did this i had to go live with my aunt cause of her now still have problems forgiving her she has popped off wanted to abort me and my baby sister danielle was her favorite out of her kids because she looks like our dad when he was younger my dad died last year i told her about it she acted like she could care less wanted to know if we got inheritance money from our dad so how do i forgive a monstor of a mom
I needed to read this. I related it more so to my abusive older brother. I confronted him about it and he completely turned it around. He said I’m trying to play the victim and he’s going to feel guilty. He said he’s not sorry for what he did and that I need to stop being so sensitive and get over it. He said it’s not his fault that I’m weak and that sometimes I fought back so I started it. I was only defending myself to no avail but of course he didn’t see it that way.
I was surprised he shifted the blame on me and didn’t acknowledge his wrong doing. I never could figure out what he had against me. I can only speculate that he was jealous and resentful that he couldn’t have our parents all to himself. He was the first born and had no other siblings after me. He would say sometimes he wish I was a boy so he could have a brother to rough house more with. In adulthood he still rough housed against my will and was mad that I didn’t hit back because as he says it’s not fun. I told him it hurts when he hits me and he told me to gain weight.
Honestly confronting made things worse. He hadn’t changed his behaviour and I didn’t realize it was all in his mindset. As an adult he became very misogynist and confronting him set him off even more. He said he saw me as the brother he never had but now I was the B word. I don’t know why I expected or hoped he’d have remorse or apologize.
I recently brought up the trauma to our mother since she didn’t know the full extent I endured. Surprisingly this time she didn’t tell me to ignore, fight back or forgive as when I told her he’d hit me or say something mean. She understood that enduring the abuse caused me issues with my social life and accepting that treatment from friends. My dad was sort of annoyed and said that I let him. It was sort of true as I had tolerated a lot with little protest. Unfornately my mother told my brother and his response was nonchalant and defensiveness. This time however I wasn’t hurt by his carelessness and lack of remorse. It gave me peace to see that he hasn’t changed just as I expected. I don’t have to feel bad about distancing myself from him. I needed that to heal. And as much as our mom and dad wants us to be close I’m not going to put myself repeatedly in a position to be hurt just for the sake of their ideal.
I had done the work and moved on with living my life but then some things happened. I don’t know what exactly caused me to revert but I almost feel like I’m back to living in fear. I’m triggered by the way he’s started abusing our mom. I want to cut off ties with her so I won’t have to deal with my brother at all. I love my mom but she won’t put her foot down and is passive with my brother. She says she’s not scared but complains about what he says and does to her. I get flashbacks because I was the same way once living in denial and down playing the severity. Well also at the time while I was fully in it I didn’t think it was that bad because I was used to it and didn’t think it could change.
I’ve learned now that he may not change but I can by removing myself. I prayed that he would go away but sometimes the opposite occurs. It was better that way because it gave me strength to walk away. I was met with opposition and convincing of that it was normal for siblings then anger and accusation of being too sensitive. Good thing I was aware of his gas lighting so my self doubt didn’t cloud my decision. Thank GOD I made it out alive! I’m more so confused than angry because I still feel like I did something wrong for the abuse to happen. Then later I blamed our parents because if they didn’t have me I’d never have caused the uproar.
Now I’m sure my brother is just unhappy with his life and is taking it out on me like he’s used to me being the punching bag. His reasoning as a child was probably due to the change of not getting full attention and love. He had a good life growing up and was treated well but he still took joy in making my life miserable. I tried to please him to no avail. Well a child doesn’t know how to verbally express their feelings or articulate their thoughts so I can understand that. However now that he’s an adult and doing the same stuff willingly I can only assume that he’s got a disorder. It lines up with being antisocial and how he treats others like acquaintances. I’ll have to stop hoping and expecting for change and remorse. Only Jesus can really help me with that.
I was abused verbally physically and emotionally by both my parents. My father died and I did not forgive him. For periods of time I am ok with my mom, then some hurt from my childhood surfaces and I can’t stop my self from verbally abusing her and hurting her. The worse part for me is she is being so good to my children and I. I just cannot control these rages against her. Sometimes I feel that I have forgiven her, but the rages start again. Then I feel guilty for being so nasty to her. I just can’t let go of my childhood hurt.
Hi Lynda,
I sympathize with you. Childhood pain can run very deep. And it’s natural to feel angry about it or even enraged. You are not a bad person for feeling this way. But you do want the rages to stop, right?
Then you need to work through your anger. Forgiveness isn’t possible until you process the feelings surrounding your childhood abuse. That’s why I recommend writing a letter to your abuser(s), especially when they are deceased.
The next time you feel triggered, instead of pushing it down or snapping, lean into your anger. Explore it. Verbalize it. Work with “I” statements: “I feel angry because,” “Every time my mother … I feel …” Put it all on the paper, including your rage fantasies (you have those, right?). Write down every vile, nasty thing that comes to mind. Then finish with: “I am done feeling angry about the past. I’m letting it go now” or something of that nature. Then burn it.
If you like to process your feelings in a more physical way, take a boxing class or just punch a pillow at home.
Another thing you can do is confront your mother about the abuse, but without being verbally abusive to her.
Also, focus on your intent to let go of the pain. Write down all the reasons why you want to let go and move on. How is this affecting you? How is it affecting other people in your life? Do you want to feel this way your whole life? Then come back to this list every time you feel triggered.
If nothing helps, I recommend working with a licensed therapist to help you process those feelings in a more structured, guided way.
Wishing you healing 🌹
Sincerely,
Lana
I’m torn about my feelings on this topic. Part of me agrees with the comment saying that you should never forgive those who have abused you. That part is bigger than the part that questions if I really would be better off forgiving my parent.
I’m not going to go into detail about all the things I’ve experienced, I’ll just say this: as someone who was heavily emotionally abused as a child, I completely understand those who don’t ever want to see their parents again. I am one of those people right now. I haven’t spoken to my mother in almost two years as of writing this. And I have been better off without her. However…
Yesterday I talked about this in depth with my therapist and my best friend. I have been wondering for a while if I should reestablish contact with my mother. Both my therapist and my friend were sceptical of the idea. The problem with it, and why they were hesitant to support me in it, was that I said it’s because I feel bad, and that I feel some kind of guilt. And because of that, I think maybe I’m not ready to try and forgive anyone right now. It shouldn’t be for her sake, it should be for mine. Because I’m the person I want to help in this scenario.
This is extremely complicated and I don’t know how to feel about it yet. I still don’t know if I’ll ever speak to my mother again. So clearly I need time to figure it out. I don’t know if forgiveness is something that would help me. But thank you for your point of view. I hope your choice in this helped you and that you are well on your path of healing.
Hi Jeanette,
thanks for your kind words. I completely understand why you feel conflicted about this issue. For what it’s worth, I’m not 100% on it either.
I view forgiving someone from a spiritual perspective. It doesn’t necessarily need to happen at all; but it’s something that can be a sign of spiritual growth, something that pushes you forward.
I know that when you think about all the things your mother did to you as a child and all the pain she inflicted, the idea of forgiveness seems absurd. Some people even find it offensive. It just depends on how you look at it.
I, myself, am fascinated by the idea of radical forgiveness. I heard of parents who lost their child to a drunk driver or a violent assault, and they’ve forgiven the people who killed their children, and even advocated on their behalf. That just blows my mind and I am just in awe of these people. If someone harmed my child, forgiveness would probably be far from my mind. But that’s exactly why I challenge myself to forgive — because it’s hard, and because I want to live my life without the past dragging behind me.
But I respect everyone’s point of view on this and encourage people to be authentic, first and foremost.
Sincerely,
Lana
You have the ‘rock of guilt’ stopping you. Forgiveness comes from within. If your not ready it’s not time. You will know when it happens. It’s not a switch that can be turned on and off. It is a release of emotions that when it happens lifts that rock off you. Words spoken or written may help but that alone isn’t the trick. There is no trick, it just happens. You’ll know when it does. Untill then try to keep living a well deserved happy life.
I’ve grown up thinking my parents were always right and I trained myself to learn from pain. For example, if they’re to say something hurtful to me, instead of letting the words hurt me, I would try and learn something from the experience. That in turn would help me learn and become a better person. I was a very happy, strong person and I loved my parents so much. Until I realized that they were abusers and that this wasn’t right and that I was brainwashed. It hurts so bad because I loved them so much and it broke my heart to know that they were doing such a thing. Soon after I had this realization, I have gone into depression and it’s been more than a year now. I still live with them because I’m not old enough to move out. I wanna start healing but I can’t unless I forgive them and each time I forgive them, they do something even more painful and It’s so hard to forgive.
Hi Alicia,
Forgiveness can be a wonderful thing. And I think it’s noble that you want to forgive your parents. But because you’re still living with them and because they continue to cause you pain, forgiveness may be a little difficult right now and maybe it shouldn’t be a priority. Have you let them know how their actions affect you? Did they express regret or apologized at any point?
What I’m saying is, before forgiveness can happen, you have to process your emotions and speak up, when need to. Speaking up and standing up for yourself is an important life skill that you will be glad you’ve learned.
And you can start healing at any time, with or without forgiveness. Healing is not a linear process. It’s a state of mind, if you will. And it starts with self-compassion.
Wishing you well 🙏
Sincerely,
Lana
Thanks for writing this !
I never really understood the kind of behaviour shown by my father since childhood was also a kind of emotional abuse. I was so jealous of all the other daddy’s princesses. It was so heartbreaking to hear his every comment shaming me and putting me down , for years i blamed myself. I used to study harder so that i can get his approval but nothing changed. It damaged me in ways I think i won’t recover. My grandfather was not a loving parent too and I understood my father suffered too but what was my fault. I won’t say that I had a unhappy childhood but i didn’t received the love i needed and this made me into an adult who is insecure, blaming herself for everything , not able to have any romantic relationship because i fear being abandoned.
After reading this i have decided to change this , I don’t want to carry this baggage anymore. I have decided to forgive and let go. Hopefully I’m able to keep true to my words.
And I’m really sorry for all those people who suffered so much (these comments above were gut wrenching) and I will pray that we all get through this sooner.
Dear mom and dad,
You are both terribly flawed individuals, who are suffering in your own lives. I have suffered as a consequence. I used to be so painfully jealous of everyone around me who grew up with happy homes. I’ve never ever experienced a happy home. I let it define me. I let it be the reason I harbored hateful thoughts and despicable feelings. I let myself be consumed by bitterness and hate and lash out at others and myself. I let myself be defined as a person who has been broken. But I know now that I can change that. I don’t have to stay broken. We are all grown up now. I know those friends I was so jealous of for having happy homes have grown up too. I may not have been as happy of a child as them, but I can still be just as happy of an adult as they are now. I can let go of my past to be happy in the present and the future. I am no longer the child from a broken home. I am an adult. I get to decide who I want to be. And I want to be a happy person. I forgive you, mom and dad, because I’ve figured out how not to stay broken by how you’ve raised me. I forgive you, and I love you.
Sincerely,
V
Very powerful. You are strong. You are moving past this. Congratulations.
This is amazing and made me want to reach through my phone and give you the biggest hug. I am unable to forgive my abusive “parent” and am always in awe of those that have the power to forgive. 46 and still trying. Thank you for sharing your forgiveness letter. It is encouraging. 💜
I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother and neglected, especially when I was sick. My father was verbally abusive, neglectful and sexist. My father is dead and I have done a lot of the things listed here to move on: I’ve imagined killing him (I even had a plan when I was 9 years old), I’ve waited for apologies (he did once say he was sorry for being an asshole – that helped), and I’ve grieved for the relationship I so desperately needed and never had. I’ve also rocked and soothed the hurt little girl that no one took care of. I no longer think about him and seem to have moved on.
My mother is another story. Because it was so horrible, especially the emotional abuse, I spent most of my life in denial that it happened. I had worked my way into a vision of her as just incompetent; too young to be a mother. This allowed me to be with her, even love her. But recently, due to therapy, I’ve been having flashbacks of the physical and emotional abuse. The stuff that you can’t help but see as deliberate. I realized I had never told anyone about the abuse. Not even my partner or my children, who are now almost grown. Reading this article made me realize how much anger I have shown to my children. Anger I was not aware of even feeling because I always felt somewhat angry. That is how I lived. I have never experienced real joy. To admit that to myself was so painful. To realize how much life has gone by without really enjoying it. It made me feel more like a failure than anyone or anything has. Then I came to the realization that to move on I will need to forgive her. My partner told me that the only way to do that was by feeling compassion for her. But that was part of my abuse. I was told stories to make me feel compassionate towards her and during those vulnerable moments she would abuse me. And I’m completely at a loss as to the way towards forgiveness without compassion.
Hi Robble,
thank you for sharing your story.
First – I want to say that you’ve come such a long way and you should be extremely proud of yourself! Forgiving your father and moving on was not an easy thing to do. But like you said, your mother is a different story. A mother-child relationship is the deepest, most primal relationship we experience. That’s why the deepest, most devastating wounds are also inflicted by the mother.
My advice is: give yourself time. You’re under no pressure to forgive your mother right now. Therapy is triggering your emotional wounds as you’re uncovering a lot of memories from your childhood. It’s natural that you’ll feel a little overwhelmed by all these emotions and realizations. It can be painful and disorienting. Your therapist should gently guide you through this process. I’m not a therapist but I can tell from your comment that you’re doing amazingly well with what you’ve been given. Keep going. Feel whatever comes up, don’t push it away. Process the pain the best you can – through talking about it in therapy, writing, art, spiritual practices, whatever you feel fits you. As you move forward in this process, you’ll find it easier to forgive your mother, if that’s what you wish to do.
Another thing I want to say is, try to see the difference between your mother using guilt and manipulation to make you feel sorry for her and true compassion. True compassion isn’t about feeling sorry for someone. It’s about seeing beyond their flawed human “shell” and recognizing that suffering is a universal human experience. We’re all in the same boat, even the people who’ve never experienced abuse. Everyone has their own cross to bear. Your mother is no exception. So feeling compassionate toward her is like saying: I see your suffering because I’ve suffered, too.
Wishing you healing and peace 🙏
Lana
I hate this article and the fact that it encourages forgiveness for people that have deeply hurt and forever scarred their child. These monsters don’t deserve your forgiveness, and forgiveness will not set you free. You know what will set you free? Cutting ties with the people that hurt you, showing no mercy, no love and no patience for what they have done. Setting yourself free from the pain of your past is about self love and allowing yourself to grieve the parent/parents that you never had. Doing a better job at loving, doing a better job of being a loving parent and leaving behind the toxicity that binds you. This article got to me because there are abusers that will read this and think that a simple act of forgiveness from their child will allow them to remain in their lives. That we have to forgive and show mercy, and that the bag of rocks we carry with us must be dropped once we forgive. Nothing will ever take the weight of the hurt you will forever carry with you, but if you gain more strength through loving the people that truly deserve it, the weight will lighten. So no, you don’t have to forgive to cure your grief, you need to rise above it and know that you will never ever repeat the toxicity of your past.
Dahlia,
I appreciate your perspective. Hell, I relate to it. I’m still not quite sure I’ve forgiven my parent because every time I try to, there seems to be another layer to it, and maybe it’s because deep down I’m not willing to.
I’ve contemplated the question of whether you need to forgive to move on. It seems like people want to believe so. Because forgiving abuse is so yucky and sort of counterintuitive. It’s like saying: abuse is OK.
But it’s not my message. I only encourage forgiveness if it’s something you genuinely want, as a way to let go of emotional pain. For example, there’s a lot of anger and hurt in your comment. I don’t mean it in an insulting way, it’s just my impression. So forgiveness to me is a way to leave those heavy feelings in the past. It doesn’t mean inviting the abuser back into your life. In fact, long-distance or no contact is much more preferable, in my opinion. But it’s a personal choice. It depends on where you are in your journey.
Wishing you healing, peace, and happy holidays 🙏
I love your last sentance. As horrible as it may sound we can learn from poor behaviour even though we didn’t need the lesson. Some of us do not become our parents. Glad you broke the mould.
I completely understand your position on this however, forgiveness is not a gift to the abuser, it is a gift to one’s self. You can’t buy, beg or trade forgiveness. It is your own not theirs. Do not think of it as a religious ceremony. Religion has no place in forgivness no matter what the bible reads. It is a ceremony to help reduce the pain it has caused you. I know how difficult it is to understand but if you acquire forgiveness you will know it and you never have to say the words to the abuser. The abuser has nothing to gain from it, only you.
Hello Lana:
Like others here, I had a very abusive Father. A bully and a coward who’s own father abandoned him and his mother and brother (my Uncle) when they were little. He carried that weight around and guess who was the recipient of this….me. Cold and distant, he never missed a chance to bully, ridicule, humiliate me or even met out excessive physical punishment when I was little. He was kind to my sister, maybe because she was a girl and growing up like he did, he had different standards. Also, it didn’t help that I am Bi-Sexual. Though I never came out officially, he knew, he suspected. So that was another whole avenue for his cruel, meanspirited jokes.
Our relationship got a little better as I grew into adulthood. He actually came to respect me dare I say. Still, when he cheated my late Mom out of her share of community property from their divorce, that was it. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had the granddaddy of all arguments and told him to get lost and fuck off, get the fuck out of my life. That was on September 13th, 2001. Never heard from him since. I also moved away from my old hometown and have tried to build a new life. But thanks to him, thanks to him, I carry around low self-esteem, never being in a serious relationship with either a woman or a man, terrified of getting close. I feel sad and dejected when things go wrong or have a really bad day. And I get very nervous and tense when people lose their cool and blow up, even though I know it’s not directed at me.
I know you preach forgiveness. And I know it’s a hard weight to carry around, heck I’ve even fantasized about him dying in a hospital bed crying and begging for me to come to his bedside, although I never will, i.e. that he will die alone and forgotten.
But forgiveness aside, I’m sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to forgive this monster. All this said, is there a way, short of forgiving this fucking monster (sorry for the language) to find inner peace??
Hi Fred,
I’m so sorry about the abuse you had to endure and that you still feel the impact of your childhood today. This is more than any child should have to deal with.
I wouldn’t say that I preach forgiveness. Forgiveness is great but if it’s not sincere, it’s not going to work. So I don’t push people to forgive when they’re not ready.
This is about getting real with yourself. This is about inner work. You can’t forgive your father. That’s fine. But what can you do? What are you willing to do to stop this vicious cycle of failed relationships, loneliness, and depression? It’s like they say, “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.” Something’s gotta give. It doesn’t have to be forgiveness, but it has to be something.
Maybe you can start working on your inner child, letting him know he’s safe and worthy of love. Or that forgiveness exercise in my article – you can still do it. You can still write a letter to your father. But instead of finishing it with “I forgive you,” choose another phrase. Perhaps, “I’m trying to forgive you but I can’t at the moment” or “You caused me so much pain, I fear I may never be able to forgive you. But I do want to move on with my life.”
You ask if you can find inner peace without forgiveness. I don’t know the answer to that. My guess is, peace doesn’t come easy when you have so much anger and hurt in your heart. Start processing those feelings. When you can leave the past in the past, peace will come.
Wishing happiness and healing, dear Fred 🙏
I’ve been struggling to forgive my father. I’ve had festering anger and consistent outbursts of rage, where the only method of calming down is beating an inanimate object until my own fists hurt. He deserves to be held accountable for his actions and in my fantasy, he suffers immense physical pain from me to the point of hospitalization. He deserves to suffer like I had to suffer. An eye for an eye.
But I know that’s never going to happen. It wouldn’t feel like much of a victory anyways considering his old age and I’d probably have a record for almost beating someone to death.
After reading one of your replies I think I finally found my first step towards letting this go, letting him be in the past; I need to let go of the false hope of ever having that father-son relationship that I’ve wanted for so long. One of kindness, unconditional love, perhaps inspiring self-confidence and self-worth.
I’ve been struggling to find a way to get a foot in the door of forgiveness and now I do: I have to gently inform the truth of this to my inner child and let him know he CAN let go of this whenever he wants to.
I’ll be my own father to myself.
So I just wanted to say thank you. Hopefully, sooner than later, I can put him in the past.
Hello Chris,
I understand where you’re coming from. For years I’ve also had violent fantasies of hurting my father. I would imagine it in detail and it would give me a thrill. But with time (and age) it’s become easier to let go. Perhaps it’s this way for you too.
I’m so happy that you were able to get a foot in the door of forgiveness, as you’ve put it. This is HUGE! The first step is the most difficult one, and you’ve made it. It took a lot of courage, and I’m just so proud of you! Wishing you peace, happiness, and healing 🙏
Hi Chris
Your words echo mine. My forgiveness is a secret to me. I can be around my abusive father and he has no idea I forgave him. I still have to take breaks from him at times, especially when he speaks of the abuse he went through as a child. I raised my two boys without ever raising a fist nor my voice. He had the same opportunity to change as I did and he didn’t so in my books I am better than him. I dream of the day when I tell him I forgive him for beating me… now at his age and poor health I am sure it would kill him so I don’t. He can pass without ever hearing it from me. My secret, my forgivness.
I feel like I’ve tried this process so many times and yet I haven’t been able to forgive my father.. I understand his past traumas and understand how his own abuse history and unattended feelings had been passed down to him like a family heirloom, and that he was only projecting his own rage and hurt and sorrow. I tried to give him all the love he was lacking and looking for when he was at his lowest points. I’ve even let go of any hope of him every actually getting better or working on his issues. I know that he is who he is and that there’s simply no changing that. I’ve talked to my past self, broken and hurt, and told her that its going to be okay, and gave her the love she needed. But god damn, I just cant forgive him for what he did to myself, my sister, and my mom. He is a grown ass adult and he, to this day, refuses to even acknowledge he has issues. What I hate most is that there are times I’m just like him. I have been able to work with my anger and find productive ways to release it and understand where it comes from, but it still terrifies me.
Dear Katie,
I think it would help to think of forgiveness not as a destination but as a journey 🙂 You are definitely on that journey, and you’ve come so far! But some hurts are so deep, they require more than mental reasoning to heal.
I struggle with the same thing myself. I did intentional forgiveness exercises on my father several times. Each time I did it, it felt like it worked. But then I uncover another layer and realize that I haven’t forgiven him. Not completely, anyway. So I can totally relate to what you’re going through! I also feel like it’s extra difficult to forgive when there is 0 remorse or acknowledgment of the abuse.
But I also believe that “to forgive is to detach.” So forgiveness isn’t you saying: it was OK, you’re off the hook. It’s more about letting go of that toxic emotional entanglement.
Another thing you said touched me: “What I hate most is that there are times I’m just like him.” God, you’re SO not like him. But I think to survive abuse, we had to absorb some of it. I also internalized some of my father’s anger, and sometimes I feel like I behave in the way he would have in a similar situation. And it’s very unnerving! But it’s OK, as long as you’re conscious of where you’re mimicking his behavior you’re not following in your father’s footsteps.
You gotta give yourself a break man…You are so much more evolved, compassionate, and brave than you give yourself credit for. You are doing incredible work moving past the abuse. Don’t be discouraged that it’s taking longer than you anticipated.
Sincerely,
Lana
It is unfortunate that we can learn from bad behaviour. Do not become your parent. Break the mould and throw out the mess. Don’t just sweep it under the rug to have reminders. Your worth it. Your behavior going forward is your doing. You own it. Embrace it.
How can I say to my mother, as suggested, “I forgive you and I love you?” I can say those words but they mean nothing. I would be fake to say those words. My mother was spiteful, mean, and never loved me or my brother but …. I admit she loved my sister, who is 7 years younger than me. My mother told me my whole life, “I hate kids. In my next life I am going to raise cats.” She loved cats. Once I had children she started telling me, “I wish there was someway I could have had grandchildren without having children.” She refused to talk to me for 14 years. During my childhood she cut every single relative & friend out of her & my dad’s lives. She cut her own mother out of her life. Her mother (my grandmother) was the kindest person put on earth. She wrote me and my brother out of her will. But … fortunately my mother died before my father and he changed the will upon her death leaving his money to all three of his children equally. There is so much more I could write… I could write a book… but I think I’ve made my point. I am afraid I will take this hatred I have for my mother to the grave. All I ask of her is to respect my personal space in heaven and stay away.
Kelly
Hi Kelly,
I think you’re right. You’re probably not ready to forgive your mother, and maybe you never will be. I’m not going to tell you to just “let it go.” Your mother had done so many cruel, evil things, and it’s understandable that all you feel for her is hate. But when you say: I will take that hatred to the grave…it’s like you’re letting your mother win. Give yourself time. Try to work through your feelings. Try to understand why your mother was the way she was. Try to understand that she didn’t want children, and she never should have been a mother. But she brought you into this world, she gave you life. And you can do anything you want with this life. It can be a life full of love, joy, and peace. Or it can be a life of hatred, regret, and ruminating about the painful past. It’s your choice. Your mother is no longer around. You are free. So be free.
Lana
You never have to say the words to her. Forgivness comes from within. It is yours not hers. It can not be given bought nor sold.
I had been badly abused by my parents.. mostly my mother.. i never knew it was even wrong.. now as I grow older I get to learn about all these through internet … I now understand why I fear of marriage and having kids.. why do I fear of being abandoned. Never accept anyone fully.. if I feel I’m getting g closer to them , I behave in a certain way that I push the away. I do regret at times why I did that but it was all fear of getting rejected later… i tried forgiving them.. but i can’t forget and its killing me.
Hi Priya,
your words are absolutely gut-wrenching. I can feel the pain behind them, and a sense of hopelessness. I’m not going to give you the upbeat “You can do it!” speech because I don’t believe in forgiveness that’s forced. You’re still working through your childhood experiences of abuse so forgiveness right now may not be realistic. But I want you to acknowledge that you’ve come so far! Even if you can’t put it behind you just yet, you’ve already done so much work and self-education! You’ve grown so much. I want you to be proud of that. And know that even if you never forgive your parents fully, you can still have a happy, fulfilled life. You can still learn to trust someone instead of sabotaging the relationship. It’s a process, a journey. You may not be there yet, but you’re on the right path. And someday you’re going to be an amazing mother not despite but because of everything you went through. Keep the faith 🙂
Sincerely,
Lana
The exercise is doable and it does make sense. I’ve done it, not by writing it down, but by speaking about it. Finally after my 46th aniversary I believe I was able to come to terms with it. I decided to let it go, gave up on the hope of feeling loved by my Mother, am taking care of her health and physical needs and ignore the abuse attempts that are no longer fruitful, because I no longer expect any change, any love, any appreciation. So I can forgive her the day one of us passes away, because I believe everything is nothing on that moment. Until then, I’ll take care of her, but no, I Will never be able to feel that I love her. Not after giving up on looking for her love and approval, that was never available to be shown. To be able to live without the emotional hurt, something inside had to die – no love. I could overcome the beating, the emotional and verbal abuse if someday I had felt approval, love, gratitude for taking care of her despite it all. But there’s nothing there, so… no…. can’t even fake “I love you” in a meaningless sentense.
Lia,
my heart goes out to you. And all the children who grew up feeling deprived of their parent’s love. All of us who felt bad, broken, worthless, wrong. In other words, not good enough…
You deciding to let go of the hope of feeling loved by your mother was a big step for you. It’s HUGE, and part of you is still grieving the loss of that motherly love that you never had. But you’re on the right path, and I can tell that you’re a woman with a kind heart, so everything’s going to be OK…You’re going to be OK.
You let go of the false hope. Now let go of all the hurt. You don’t have to wait for her to pass away to do that. You can do it any time you decide to do it.
Lana
The only way for me to move on with my life was to confront my abuser and to tell them exactly what they did to me, how it made me feel, and the long term affect their abuse had on my life. I did this without expecting anything from them. This was a one-time event to plant the seed of them being an abuser firmly in their mind. I broke the silence and declared them guilty. Then I shut the door on that relationship for good. Healing is a complex journey. Every one of us has to find the path that’s best for them.