If you have a narcissistic mother, chances are, she’s also an emotional vampire. Just like mythical vampires, emotional vampires are parasites that feed on others. Here are 10 signs that your mother might be one of these parasitic creatures.

What is an Emotional Vampire?

An emotional vampire is someone who feeds off other people’s emotional energy.

They could be narcissists, sociopaths, and other disturbed individuals. But they can also be your everyday, garden-variety toxic people of different types.

Because they often try to provoke an emotional reaction by pushing on one of your “hot buttons,” the assumption is that they feed off negative energy.

But they can also be drawn to positive energy or people who have a “shining” quality to them. Kind, caring, sensitive, intelligent individuals with a rich inner world attract emotional vampires.

One example of that is the proverbial attraction between narcissists and empaths, when a person with a large capacity for empathy dates someone who lacks empathy altogether. This kind of union typically results in a toxic relationship.

Narcissistic Mothers as Emotional Vampires

Another typical but less visible pairing, in my experience, is that of a narcissistic mother and a sensitive child. In this scenario, a narcissistic mother acts as a vampire that sucks the positive emotional energy out of her child.

By the time the child grows up, their inner resources are depleted, and they spend much of their adulthood reeling from the effects of narcissistic abuse.

Depending on the severity and the length of the exposure, these effects may include:

• low self-esteem
• indecisiveness
• trust and abandonment issues
• codependency and difficulty setting boundaries
• tendency to choose abusive partners
• perfectionism
• self-destructive behaviors
• weak ego identity (trouble identifying your feelings, wants, and needs)
• emotional enmeshment with the parent despite the abuse
• anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and other mental health disorders.

You may also be experiencing some or all of the following symptoms when you’re exposed to an emotional vampire:

• heart palpitations
• feelings of panic/anxiety
• sweaty palms
• racing thoughts
• headaches
• getting sick a lot
• feeling cold, especially in your extremities
• feeling tired all the time.

10 Signs Your Narcissistic Mother is an Emotional Vampire

There are different emotional vampire types. Although not all emotional vampires are narcissists, in most cases, narcissists are emotional vampires.

Here are 10 signs your narcissistic mother is an emotional vampire.

1. She Craves Attention

Like a child who’s only aware of her own needs and feelings, a narcissistic mother’s world begins and ends with her.

She demands a lot from the people around her, especially her children. But of all her needs, her need for attention is the most insatiable.

Why attention? Because “attention” is just another word for “energy.” Whenever someone behaves in attention-seeking ways, they’re asking for your energy. Although they don’t really ask. They just take.

A narcissistic mother typically has to be the center of attention. If the situation is not about her (for example, it’s someone else’s birthday), she will create a commotion or drama to put all the attention back on herself.

No matter what’s going on in your life — and how important it is to you — she’ll find a way to make it about her, and to suck the joy out of everyone.

2. She Plays the Victim

Narcissistic mothers are prone to feelings of hopelessness and self-pity. So they will often play the victim or the martyr to feed on the sympathy of others.

If you are a sensitive, caring, compassionate person, your mom probably loves bending your ear to vent about her endless disappointments, frustrations, and annoyances.

Your support and validation are like an elixir of life to her.

She also plays the “poor me” game to evade accountability for her actions. Because despite her deep insecurities, she truly feels that she can do no wrong and it’s everyone else’s fault.

Like any emotional vampire, a narcissistic mother takes with no appreciation or reciprocation. So no matter how much of your time and energy you give her, she fails to see it as anything of value.

3. She Delights in Other People’s Misfortunes

A narcissistic mother lacks the empathy to understand and feel the pain of others. But it doesn’t mean she’s indifferent.

Like a mythical vampire who becomes excited in the presence of fresh blood, she gets excited when she’s around people who are hurting.

For example, she may relish hearing about someone’s bad news. She will take visible pleasure in retelling it to as many people as she can, savoring every gut-wrenching detail. Or she may show inappropriate affect (laughing, smiling) at someone’s funeral.

Her children are no exception. She will barely hide her satisfaction as she tells you “I told you so” or “I knew it was a bad idea.”

In other words, a narcissistic mother is an emotional vampire who feeds on human suffering.

4. She is Unpredictable and Explosive

One of the best ways to emotionally drain someone is to make them feel that they have to walk on eggshells around you.

A narcissistic mother will often display sudden rage or sharp disapproval when she needs to assert her control. This is a common narcissistic abuse tactic.

Even when you’re no longer in her presence, you may still be affected by her attacks. You may feel anxious without a clear reason, sad, angry, or just exhausted.

You’ve been a victim of an emotional vampire.

5. She’s Always Negative

When you feel positive and optimistic, your energy is elevated. But when you’re around certain people, your good spirits may disappear, and you’ll suddenly feel deflated and lifeless.

This is a good indication that you’ve been around an emotional or energy vampire.

A narcissistic mother has a knack for finding the worst in any situation.

Since she secretly loathes herself, she has no faith in humanity. She sees malice and ulterior motives in any good gesture and is capable of turning your happiness into ashes, if you let her.

This is malicious emotional vampirism.

6. She’s Difficult to Communicate With

Having an honest conversation with a narcissistic mother is often an exercise in futility because she employs various manipulative tactics to make you feel confused, disoriented, and unsure of the validity of your feelings.

Gaslighting, projection, narcissistic “word salad,” circular logic, etc. are some of the ways your narcissistic mother ensures that she never has to be accountable for her actions.

No matter how hard you try to have a real heart-to-heart with her, you hit a brick wall. So she’ll always walk away as the “winner” while you’re flailing to compose yourself.

Not only that, you’ll be replaying the conversation in your mind over and over, trying to digest what was said and how you should have replied.

This type of interaction is frustrating and very, very draining.

7. She Feigns Incompetence

Most of us are raised to believe that helping other people is good and noble, especially if it’s your own mother.

But narcissistic mothers are not like other mothers. They are emotional vampires who only pretend to be helpless so they can siphon some of your energy.

For that reason, a narcissistic mother will often expect you to take on tasks that she’s perfectly capable of managing on her own. And although these tasks seem small and not too time-consuming, they do add up, and they can seriously deplete your energy.

For example, she might ask you to run her errand when she has every opportunity to do it herself or she might ask you for info that she can look up on Google just as easily as you.

So now you have a choice: run around doing her bidding while she feigns incompetency, or get caught in a guilt trap.

Either choice is emotionally exhausting.

8. You Feel Better When You’re Away From Her

The best way to tell if your narcissistic mother is an emotional vampire is not to analyze her behavior but to pay attention to how you feel after spending time with her.

How do you feel after spending time with your mother?

Typically, the more time you spend with an emotional vampire, the more depleted you feel. Although, you may not necessarily be aware of it. You may blame work stress or physical ailments for your weakened state.

And how do you feel when you’re away from her for some time?

Do you feel noticeably better? Do you feel full of energy and motivation? Or maybe you find yourself smiling and joking more?

If life seems calmer and happier without your mother, she’s likely an emotional vampire.

9. She Monopolizes Your Time

They say that time is our most precious resource. And yet we tend to be so careless about who we share it with.

It’s particularly true if you have a vampiric narcissistic mother who feels entitled to your time and attention.

She may call you on the phone five times a day. She may demand your visits, pretending she has an urgent need. Or she may barge in unannounced and stay well past her welcome.

The common thing you may expect from these visits and phone calls is that she’ll use you as a “dump” for all her emotional garbage.

So in the end you’ll feel used and exhausted, and she’ll walk away recharged.

10. She Provokes You

Provoking an emotional reaction is another great way to siphon your energy. The more volatile and emotional your reaction is, the more empowered the vampire feels.

Shame and guilt are the two strongest emotions a narcissistic mother uses to trigger you. For example, she might say:

• How can you abandon me after I’ve sacrificed so much for you? (if a child wants to move away) or
• How can you talk to your mother like that? You should know better. (when a child confronts the mother about her behavior)

Phrases like that can feel like a knife in your heart, leaving you emotionally drained and devastated.

What to Do if Your Narcissistic Mother is an Emotional Vampire

“Emotional vampire” is a phrase that sounds pretty sinister.

But the truth is, we can all be emotional vampires at times. For example, when we’re feeling “low,” stressed out, or sick, we subconsciously seek support and energy from others.

That’s not malicious or damaging.

But when you’re dealing with a narcissist, especially a narcissistic parent, the effects are a lot more devastating and your ability to resist them is compromised.

You may be wondering: is my mother aware of what she’s doing? Although every relationship is different, the general consensus is: yes.

“On some level they all know what they’re doing and they do it because it works,” says Christiane Northrup, MD, author of the book “Dodging Energy Vampires.”

So what can you do to protect yourself from her vicious bite? Here are some simple coping strategies.

1. Limit or eliminate contact.

Emotional vampires are most effective face-to-face. So going low contact or no contact with your narcissistic mother is the best way to protect your energy.

Although it’s not always possible, try to limit your interactions as much as possible.

2. Set boundaries.

Be very clear with yourself about what you can and can’t tolerate, and set limits on how much you’re willing to give.

For example, set a time limit for how long you’re willing to listen to your mother’s complaining. Or try meeting on a neutral territory rather than inviting her to your house where she can stay for as long as she pleases.

3. Don’t get sucked into an argument.

When we argue, we tend to get emotional. And that’s just what an emotional vampire wants! Arguing with a narcissistic mother is like stepping into quicksand. The more you fight and resist her narrative, the deeper you get sucked in.

You will never prove anything to her. So resist the urge to argue or explain yourself.

4. Be a “grey rock.”

The “grey rock” is a method of dealing with narcissists and emotional vampires that prevents them from using you as their supply.

It’s very simple: be as exciting as a rock. Don’t engage, don’t entertain, don’t sympathize. Keep your answers to “yes” or “no” and avoid eye contact.

Your emotional vampire mother needs some kind of reaction from you to sink her teeth in. Don’t give her anything.

This is a psychological equivalent of “playing dead.” Play dead and she’ll be forced to leave you alone and go look for someone more exciting.

5. Lower your expectations.

Your mother is not going to change and you can’t fix her. She is a narcissist, and as such, she isn’t capable of giving you the warmth, support, and unconditional love that you deserve.

So accept her for who she is and lower your expectations. That will allow you to gain some emotional distance from her and not be so affected by her antics.

6. Stop seeking her validation.

If you keep seeking love and validation from your narcissistic parent — whether consciously or unconsciously — that’s a sure way to give your mother full access to your resources.

A narcissistic mother will suck you dry while dangling the promise of her approval in front of you. As long as you seek her approval, she’s in control of you.

7. Put the focus back on you.

Where your attention goes, your energy goes.

If you’re focused on your mother even when she’s not around (ruminating on her words and actions, fuming with anger, thinking of ways to please her, etc.), you are still feeding that emotional vampire.

Instead, focus on your own life and the things that make you happy.

Remember — your time on this earth is limited, and your resources are limited, too. Be wise about who you give it to. Whether it’s your mother, friend, or colleague — no one is entitled to your time or emotional energy.

It is time to replenish your supply and stop using it to boost narcissistic egos.

Resources

Arabi, S. (2018). 7 Ways Emotional Vampires Drain Empaths And Highly Sensitive People. Retrieved from Thought Catalog.

DiGiulio, S. (2018). How to spot (and deal with) an energy vampire. Retrieved from NBC News.

Shafir, H. (2021). 10 Signs of Being Raised by Narcissists & Effects in Adulthood. Retrieved from Choosing Therapy.