Do you ever wonder why you seem to attract toxic people? Are you afraid, deep down, that there might be something wrong with you? Maybe you give off a certain vibe that tells assholes “come hither”?
There’s nothing wrong with you. But you may possess certain traits that make you particularly attractive to toxic individuals. Read on to find out what they are.
1. You are positive.
Toxic people are used to seeing life in dark tones. Their glass is always half-empty. So your sunny disposition is a breath of fresh air in their stuffy, miserable existence.
You make them feel good, although deep down they think you’re naive and delusional.
You might want to: let them be. No matter how positive you are, they’ll still be unhappy because they can’t find joy within themselves. And they’ll always have something pessimistic or negative to say.
Even if that doesn’t bother you at first, eventually you’ll start to feel drained and frustrated. If you let them, toxic people will suck the positivity right out of you.
2. You are honest.
Lying makes you uncomfortable, and you’re not very good at it. You can fib or exaggerate sometimes, but overall, you’re a straight shooter. The problem is, you think that everyone else is, too.
You don’t expect people to lie. Most of the time, you take their words at face value. That’s what toxic people love about you. They can get away with a lot of lying before you catch on.
They can also use your openness against you.
You might want to: be more selective about who you open up to. Toxic people are like super-efficient information-gathering machines. They’re always on the lookout for secrets, gossip, and anything else they can use in their favor. So the less they know about you, the better.
3. You are compassionate.
Your friends call you a “bleeding heart”. You feel empathy for every living breathing being, and unfortunately, that includes toxic people.
Their “woe-is-me” persona cannot survive without people like you. Your compassion is their energy “bread and butter.” They feed on it, and they are always coming for more.
You might want to: lean out a bit. Remember that toxic people love to play the victim. They will play that role with anyone, especially with compassionate people.
They know that if they can get you to feel sorry for them, they can easily manipulate you.
4. You are a good listener.
You are a naturally good listener; no one taught you that. Your innate kindness shines through when you give the person speaking to you your full attention.
Not everyone can do that, and not everyone is willing. But you are.
Because of that, toxic people are attracted to you with an irresistible force. There’s nothing they love more than talking about themselves — or hearing themselves talk.
You might want to: set some boundaries. You, my friend, are giving them that sweet nectar of undivided, empathetic, patient attention, so they will keep talking for as long as you’re listening.
Try putting some limits on how much whining, complaining, or humble bragging you can take.
5. You are non-confrontational.
Yep, you hate conflict. Whether it’s good or bad, it makes you uncomfortable and you would rather stab yourself with a fork than have a screaming match with somebody.
That’s why toxic people love you! You’re a little bit of a pushover, so you won’t tell them off even if they’re crossing a line. You prefer to tread lightly and be understanding of people’s flaws.
You might want to: grow some cojones. It’s a real slippery slope with toxic people. Before you know it, you’ll be drowning in unnecessary (but urgent!) communication, unreasonable requests, and unsolicited advice.
So put on your big girl panties and start saying “no” when you feel like you’re being pushed around.
6. You want to help.
When you see someone having a hard time, you just want to help them. You tend to take on more responsibility for people’s lives than you need to.
Toxic people love-love-love selfless saviors like you! Why yes, why don’t you try to fix me while I stand aside complaining and criticizing?
You might want to: let them deal with their own problems. There’s help, and then there’s enabling. You are not responsible for anyone’s life, besides your own.
And you are not to blame if you tried to fix them, and failed. Because there’s no fixing someone who prefers being broken.
7. You are generous.
Toxic people are natural takers, so your generosity is incredibly attractive to them. The more you give, the more they take.
But when you need their help, they’ll disappear faster than a cartoon rabbit, leaving clouds of dust behind them.
That’s when you’ll learn the hard truth: they don’t really care about you.
You might want to: value your resources. Especially value your time, because toxic people sure don’t. They can repeatedly use you as a dump for all their emotional garbage, and it will never even occur to them to thank you.
They will take and take, and offer nothing in return. If you’re not careful, you’ll grow resentful. Don’t let it get to that point.
8. You are loyal.
You do not discard people easily. Once you make a connection with someone, it’s hard for you to let go, even if your gut tells you that they’re not good for you.
Toxic people have a knack for exploiting your loyalty.
You might have a friend who’s never there for you when you need them, but you still hang out with them.
You might have a relative who takes advantage of your generosity, but you still help them whenever they ask.
Or you might have a romantic partner who makes you feel bad about yourself, but you’re still with them.
You tell yourself “we go way back,” or “we’re family,” or “I made a commitment,” and you give your loyalty to people who don’t deserve it.
You might want to: learn to distinguish between loyalty and a codependent relationship. I know it feels like you owe them something but you don’t.
If the relationship feels one-sided, it is. If a guy declares his undying love for you in public, but tears you down when you’re alone — he doesn’t need your loyalty. He needs a firm shove out the door.
If you want to learn to deal with toxic people, you need to adjust your frame of mind. Here is a post to help you do that: 4 Clever Mind Hacks For Dealing With Toxic People
Parting Thoughts on Why You Attract Toxic People
Your light is what attracts negative (toxic) people. They are drawn to it like a moth to a flame, quite literally.
Toxic people don’t have a light of their own. Like the Moon, they can only reflect the light, not emit it.
Typically, they are deeply miserable, hopeless, joyless people. They need to be around the people with the light to feel better and to feel important.
So the reason you attract toxic people is that you shine so brightly that it makes them jealous, and it makes them want to leech on to that light and get some for themselves.
It may feel like to avoid toxic people, you need to hide your light, and maybe even be more like them. That’s not the takeaway here!
Be yourself, be the light.
But also be aware of the qualities that might make you vulnerable to toxic individuals, learn to set some boundaries with difficult people, and always listen to your gut.
In other words, don’t listen to the words they say, listen to how they make you feel.
How do you deal with toxic people in your life?
NEXT
Never Do These 13 Things When You’re Around Toxic People
10 Signs of a Toxic Work Environment (And How to Cope With It)
How to Disarm a Manipulator (When You’re a People Pleaser)
ps. I LOVE the part where you say “be the light”. I was literally thinking that I should try and be less me and then I read that. Thank you.
I know this article is older, but I wanted to say thanks for writing it and leaving it up.
While childhood wounds usually play a part, so do these. Ive been with great therapists that told me same thing and about two years ago, I read a psychology piece that stated same.
For most of my life, Ive wondered why I seemingly attract toxic people. Once in a while someone would say they are jealous or something of that nature and I would brush it off thinking that feels too uncomfortable that someone would be jealous of me because Im just “normal”. I didnt really understand what they would be jealous of and it felt narcissistic to say that.
About two years ago, I found this psychology piece that described a whole other view point and ironically my therapist said same thing to me that week, it isnt whats wrong with me, it is whats right with me. Completely changed how I viewed it and so helpful. Just like your piece, it highlighted good qualities along with narcissists, psychopath, sociopaths, and other toxic people’s behaviors that make you aware of how they can sneak their way into your life like high levels of lying, manipulation, their tactics, the many masks they wear, etc.
So you keep this up because you might be changing someones life in an instant and not even know it. Think of how many pass through silently. I dont usually comment, but today I chose to, mostly because of the abuser/bully in comment section. I also chose to comment because of how many people commented stating it helped.
My comment might do that for someone also.
Wow. I can so relate to what you said!
This article was lile a breath of fresh air to me. I felt seen.
I just wanted say How Much Recently I Have Been Dealing Through this and How Much You this site Really Helped Me !
Hi. So, like a lot of people here – except for one person who seemed kind of triggered by this :O — it was nice to come across an article that suggested that attracting toxic people is not rooted in being dysfunctional or neurotic. Rather, it is kind of…economical. We supply something. Others demand something. So there is a transaction.
But the problem, of course, is that others benefit and we don’t. We’re selling something, but not getting compensated. Actually, we lose. It’s like we have a store and are paying customers to buy our stuff. Then we look at our empty shelves and empty cash register, and feel like dying. Naive is the nice way to put this. Stupid is probably the honest way.
What I’d like to get some insight on — from the author of this article and anyone else on this weird bus — is how you handle situations where getting rid of a toxic person (however they were attracted in the first place) is difficult, because the relationship is entrenched. I mean, the other person could be a spouse, a boss, a client, etc. Yes, the long term goal is to disengage. But in the short term at least, you may need to put up with them. How? What has worked for you? What hasn’t worked for you?
You should have just kept this…they are not stupid.
I was surprised. You were right. I’m reading and nodding with every sentence,it seems.Very real.Very Intelligent, and insightful. Thank you.The relevance and accuracy is on point,very specifically. It’s funny,when you realize something is not a personality trait,but a textbook personality disorder trait,.scary to know there are thousands if not millions of these toxic zombies lurking around every corner,,,,well in my immediate vicinity, for sure.!
This article surprised me a bit. I started reading expecting to hear how my character flaws attract all the wrong people, and by the end I was thinking “I could change how I interact when I see a red flag without changing who I am deep down. As in not start playing their game at all.”
Thank you for an article that gives insight without tearing down the people looking for help. You gave me a lot to think about as I start over.
Never read such idiotic stuff. Here again is a millennial parrotting nonsense without using her brain! “You have/are a light”? WT F is that?? I don’t even know what kind of drivel you typed, girlie girl. We are PEOPLE not lights. “They are the moon”?? Wow slow clap, useless genius! NEWSFLASH! UNTIL YOU COMPREHEND A TOPIC, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO WRITE ABOUT IT! We attract these people because of the abuse we suffered in our childhood, PERIOD!
The questions remain: 1) Are there ANY other type of people out there? 2) HOW do we demagnetize the crappy people and where do we find the right people?! This page is as useless as any idiot going to group therapy and mindlessly repeating what someone else said the previous meeting, to be liked, simply because other idiots clapped mindlessly.
NEXT!
Wow. Kind of harsh. Hope things get better and you find the approach that works for you. I found this article helpful and I’m sure others do too.
Wow… that’s exactly the way my narcissistic mom would react.
Calling people stupid and trying to make them feel worthless… typical!
I appreciate and relate to the article .
Toxic people imitate your light/zest for lift
And reflect it back at you.and you fall deeply in love. Thinking that you’ve finally found THE ONE..!
They are only able to do this for a short while.
Inevitably they will return back to there dark miserable self and you missing the “twin”soul connection doing everything in you power to recreate the magical connection that was a reflection of your beautiful you and has nothing to do with them
Protect your precious inner child!
Love yourself!
Spoken like a true toxic zombie..writer..your light has been detected!red flag!lol
Dude, you need to see someone about your anger issues. Don’t know why a toxic person is on this side of the fence… of course the truth would offend. Seek some therapy, man. And stop trolling nice people.
Tell me you’re an extremely toxic person without telling me you’re an extremely toxic person! 😆 Good grief, get a grip
It is obvious you dont like yourself and at 3am you thought it would be great idea to abuse someone else instead of looking at yourself in mirror and healing whatever is making you dislike yourself. The author is correct and theres many therapists that will say same thing that have knowledge and degrees in psychology and therapy. Im not surprised to find an abuser and bully like yourself in comment section and I hope you are now at place of change and growth in your life. I hope you are healing because it is clear you need it.
Dont bother with some argument about how everyone is upset you disagreed because you couldve done that with respect and been okay, but you chose abuse and bullying instead. Completely not okay and you know you can do better. I hope you have reached that point in life.
We can tell you ae not filled with the light she is talking about….this comment was very dark. Only spiritual people will understand what she is saying. People that are genuine and natural healers in a way. They can not help who is drawn to them, that does not mean they are “stupid” or something is really wrong with them. Typically dark spirited people look for nice people to receive that great energy that they carry, in which they use manipulation tactics for their benefit, that in exchange drains the person who is filled with life/good energy (“their light”) . It is not hard to understand, and it makes sense. The one that is pure/genuine has to learn to discern the ones that are after her for the wrong reasons/to drain her.
This article was a great read to look at things, instead of the kind/genuine hearted people thinking that there is something wrong with them when a lot of times it is not and people just see their good qualities and are drawn to them to take advantage of them for their own benefit.
wow. since i was eleven years old i had incredibly toxic friends and was heavily depressed. i have thankfully managed to pull myself out of those toxic relationships however, they keep finding me and quite recently i was in an argument with one. i have healed so so much but this person is just exactly what you wrote. i just need to hear a one word answer. should i ditch this absolutely and utterly toxic person? they do everything that has been listed in this and constantly verbally abuse me. so do i ditch toxic people?
also. very good job done on this. it helped me understand my past relationships as some of you said and really made me feel better about myself.
Alia, you know what to do. You don’t need me to tell you this.
Listen to your gut and then decide if you want or need this person in your life.
Thank you for reading!
Sincerely,
Lana
Well written.
It’s all so very true, and you’ve made it so clear. One of the best explanations of toxic people, why they come into one’s life, and what you can do, to deal with them. Very insightful.
When coming out of this type of relationship, you have to fight for your independence, your self worth, and your future. It will make you stronger, wiser, and your light will shine even brighter.
I couldn’t have said it better, Kim. Thank you for this 🙂
Toxic people have a way of victimizing themselves. They often feel less than and looking for others to make them feel better about themselves. Unfortunately they retaliate passive aggressively to punish you for not fulfilling that need for them. Or they hold you accountable for their less than feelings. Toxic people ALWAYS learn your triggers and purposely push them to punish you and make themselves feel whole again. I had to learn to stop trying to fix them. I had to learn to stop trying build their confidence verbally with compliments or stating positive things about them . I had to learn to stop trying to minimize my life so I can avoid making them feel small. I see value in having a healthy self esteem friend. I see value in building another woman up. I see no value in your presence if you see value in tearing other down.
I’m patient in giving them time to grow and do better by showing them better. Never works. Once you know their true colors and start distancing yourself, they just increase the gossip and tactics against you. Expected in their toxic mind, they must protray that they are the ones rejecting you. They go and aligned with anything or anyone that plays the same games to you. Same patterns everytime for toxic women! Very fails !
I’m thankful I value myself enough to know it’s definitely not a me problem.
This actually really helped me clear up what I’m going through
Recently come out a friendship that’s left me wondering if I could have done anything differently, but this really helped me
Thank you for writing this
This is the most accurate article I have ever read about empaths and toxic people taking advantage.
Thank you so much! 🙂
Wow, I no longer feel guilty for getting out of a very long term up and down relationship! I completely understand it and my Life is definitely going to be lighter all around. It’s true toxic people drain the very essence of joy, generosity, and compassion from you. Worse yet they make you feel useless and suicidal. They make you believe it! Oh joy to get myself back by removing them.
Yes, Sal! Removing toxic people from your life can be a very liberating and empowering experience! What a difference it makes. So glad you were able to reach this point.
Sincerely,
Lana
Thank you for the eye opening advice!
You’re so welcome, Sharon! 🙂
This is an excellent read. It’s so positive and doesn’t make you feel guilty and drained, which you already are after coming out of a toxic relationship.
Thank you, Priya 🙂 I wanted to emphasize the positive qualities of people who may attract toxic individuals because I do agree that people coming out of these relationships have their self-esteem so damaged that they blame themselves for everything… Thanks for reading, happy holidays!
Very detailed and helpful!
Thank you! 🙂