“Draining, unsupportive, and difficult people are one of life’s greatest challenges,” says author Vanessa Van Edwards.
It is certainly an ongoing challenge in my life. And if you’re reading this article, in your life, too.
Maybe you’re dealing with a manipulative mother, a toxic friend, or an annoying coworker.
Whoever it is, they’re an emotional vampire who’s a constant source of drama, discord, and emotional pain. And if you’re not careful, they’ll drag you down to their level and turn you into a toxic person, too.
Oh, the humanity!
Don’t you wish there was some kind of magic trick to help you handle people like that?
Well, your prayers had been answered. Here are 4 clever mind hacks for dealing with toxic people. They aren’t magic tricks per se but it’s as close to magic as you can get. It’s the power of your mind!
What Are Mind Hacks?
You’re probably wondering: what are mind hacks and what do they have to do with toxic people?
Mind hacking is the process of reprogramming or rewiring your brain to achieve goals or improve mental habits.
The idea behind mind hacking is that our mind is like an incredibly powerful, complex computer. And like a computer, it can be “hacked.”
If you’re curious, there are a ton of books on using mind hacking to overcome addictions, fears, dysfunctional relationship patterns, career and money blocks, etc.
In other words, mind hacking is about creating a shift in your thinking that leads to an improvement in one or more areas of your life.
But wait! It gets better. Mind hacking can also be applied to one of the oldest problems in the world: dealing with toxic people.
Here’s why.
Mind Hacks and Toxic People
The way toxic people operate is by influencing, manipulating, or even taking control of our thoughts and feelings.
Gaslighting is a perfect example of that. When you’re constantly gaslighted, you lose trust and confidence in yourself. Your sense of reality and your very identity are under attack. But it’s a covert attack so the victims are often oblivious to it.
The less you know, the more vulnerable you are. The more you know, the better you can see through all their emotionally abusive tactics. That’s why I always say: You can’t gaslight someone who knows what gaslighting is.
So education is vital. But it’s not all you need.
The other part is changing the way you think about toxic people so that their words or actions have little to no effect on you.
That is why mind hacking can be a GAME CHANGER when it comes to handling difficult people in your life.
And it doesn’t have to stop at changing the way you think about them.
What allows toxic people to have power over us is our own negativity, insecurity, and disempowerment. That’s why their words or behavior wound us.
So to totally defeat a toxic person, you have to change the way you think about yourself.
But that’s a topic for another discussion.
Today we’re dealing with the mind hacks you can use to protect yourself from toxic people and stop them from ruling your life.
These mind hacks (or mindsets) are powerful in preventing you from emotionally engaging with a toxic person. But they’re not magic! They require practice and commitment.
And of course, they’re not a replacement for external safeguards, such as setting boundaries, maintaining low contact (or no contact in some cases), and having a strong support system.
Mind Hack #1: See the Sickness
Who are toxic people?
First and foremost, they are sick people.
Their illness isn’t physical. It’s mental and spiritual. And oftentimes, despite their bravado, they are the unhappiest people you’ll ever meet.
There are many names for their sickness. One such name that’s thrown around quite a bit is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
But let’s not go too deep into the psychiatric jargon. Even without diagnosing a particular disorder, we can see that toxic people are mentally disturbed, unstable, and unbalanced individuals.
Whenever someone acts in abusive, manipulative, controlling ways, it’s an indication of pathology.
So this mind hack requires you to see the toxic person in your life as mentally ill (to a degree). Because in a very real sense, they are.
Try to see their words or actions as an expression of pathology, not a reflection on you. They’re still responsible for it but they’re not aware of just how sick their behavior is.
It’s like they say: truly crazy people don’t know they’re crazy.
Try to even feel compassion for them. Because their “toxicity” is a serious disease that prevents them from experiencing a genuine connection and blocks growth.
So whenever you’re around a toxic person, put your shrink hat on and neutralize the damage. Jedi-like.
Mind Hack #2: See the Humor
They say laughter is the best medicine. It certainly applies here.
Although there’s nothing funny about emotional abuse, laughing can relieve some stress of it and help you look at a situation from a lighter, emotionally neutral perspective.
So your next mind hack for dealing with toxic people is to assume the mindset of a spectator and enjoy the show!
Finding humor in a toxic person’s attempts to rattle you will not only entertain you — it will also empower you.
Difficult people love pushing your buttons and getting you to snap. It gives them a sense of power. And it confirms that you’re vulnerable to them.
But when you laugh in the face of their shenanigans, you take your power back and show that their words are just noise that doesn’t bother you one bit!
Fans of “Everybody Loves Raymond” will remember the episode where Debra decides that instead of being hurt, she’s going to laugh at Marie’s passive-aggressive digs at her.
When her veiled insults are met with laughter, Marie grows confused and visibly upset. She then confronts Debra about her “being fake.”
That’s a good point to remember: your laughter doesn’t have to be forced or fake.
You don’t have to laugh out loud either.
You can just be quietly amused, which will still allow you to be emotionally distant.
Mind Hack #3: See the Lessons
If you’re inclined to see life from a learning perspective, this mind hack will be especially fitting for you.
From this vantage point, life is a series of challenges meant to teach us valuable lessons and propel us toward growth.
So you might say that a toxic person is in your life for a reason. They’ve appeared on your path because they have lessons to teach you.
If you adopt the mindset of a student (or a spiritual seeker), you’ll start seeing value in having a toxic person in your life.
For example, they may be teaching you to be more compassionate, and more forgiving. Through your association with them, you may have learned to stand up for yourself and assert your boundaries.
Here’s a post that goes into greater detail about the lessons from toxic people: 7 SPIRITUAL LESSONS A NARCISSIST CAN TEACH YOU
This mindset allows you to feel gratitude instead of anger or self-pity. So it’s very powerful.
Mind Hack #4: See the Subject
This is my favorite mind hack.
It requires you to get into the mindset of a social scientist who observes people’s behavior.
Your role is to watch their interactions and think about their motives.
Whatever the toxic person says or does, don’t take it personally. See it through the eyes of a researcher of a sort.
Instead of letting them ignite your anger or insecurity, let them ignite your curiosity.
Think of yourself as a cultural anthropologist studying an indigenous tribe. Or a zoologist studying animals in the wild.
The idea is to view your toxic person from a vantage point of an impartial observer.
Let’s say your narcissistic father just announced to the whole family that you’re a disappointment, or your toxic mother-in-law made passive-aggressive comments about your haircut.
Raise an eyebrow and make a mental note.
Then write about it in a journal, talk to a sympathetic friend, or tell me about it in the comment section! Toxic people do and say a lot of crazy things, so you’ll never run out of material!
I often use this mind hack to find inspiration for my next blog post. It works like a charm!
Just like a comedian turns his or her personal failures and humiliations into funny bits, I turn my “toxic ties” into blogs.
You, too, can start a psychology blog that talks about dealing with toxic or difficult people. I’ve written a detailed guide for beginners to help you with that. You can even make money this way! Not a bad bonus.
But the main point is, you re-focus and re-frame the experience in your favor.
Instead of seeing your toxic person as a beast from hell sent to earth on a special mission to torture you, you see them as a curious specimen.
It takes the sting out of it.
Final Thoughts on Mind Hacks For Dealing With Toxic People
And there you have it — 4 mind hacks for dealing with difficult, annoying, manipulative people in your life.
Each hack allows you to create emotional distance and avoid being a toxic person’s fiddle.
They will help you deal with difficult people when contact with them is unavoidable.
However, in cases of severe emotional, physical, financial, or sexual abuse, or when the children are involved, my advice is to get out of that relationship as soon as possible.
What’s your favorite mind hack?
Comment and share on Pinterest 🙂
My toxic mother and sister are constantly gossiping and complaining about me and my other siblings. Anytime we get together without them they take it as a betrayal. They don’t want to be around my siblings but they also don’t want us to have a relationship.
They also make up things about us saying how awful we are. My mother accidentally sent me a text meant for my sister complaining about me.
She said I visit my brother who lives near her without calling her which isn’t true. And she said I don’t text her which also isn’t true. I visit and text her all the time but she is angry cold and mean. Then she said well I’ll just ‘pray and spend time with other people.’
The text was so hurtful. I knew they were talking about me but to read something like that from my mother about me feels terrible.
This article is so helpful. Thank you for the suggestions on how to change my thinking and responses to the toxic environment.
I’m in a work situation with the entitled son of an incredibly wealthy family. The parents are creating a monster in this kid by giving him all the money and other resources he wants, while simultaneously setting no boundaries. I have reached out to them for support in helping the kid with his substance use disorder; in response, his father actually HELPED THE KID FIND A SUPPLIER. His mother is worse. She undermines him in subtle, difficult to pinpoint, ways, and then she plays the martyr mom to an impossible to manage son. I feel bad because the kid is clearly being abused by his undermining parents, but at the same time, he is a toxic person now.
He manipulates everything, refuses to do anything required of him, and gaslights to avoid taking responsibility for his childish behavior. Basically, he has learned from his parents.
I feel so much dread when I think about working with him, and so much darkness when I think about the situation. Thanks for the tips on keeping it in perspective.
I work in a small office with a toxic, passive-aggressive person. My guess is that she has a distorted need for control, due to the difficult childhood that she often speaks of. Her ways may serve her well in many scenarios, but they do not belong in a workplace.
I am empathetic to a fault. She suckered me in, and then began the “Undermining Process” … a series of gaslighting/back-stabbings that affected my temperament, my self-confidence, and, ultimately, my job performance. When our manager asked me what was going on with “me”, I confusedly tried to explain it to him. (…Yeah … You get the picture.) 🙂
A big THANK YOU! Finding this blog came at the perfect time for me, because it reinforces that I’m not crazy, that this really is a “thing”, and that I need to detach on an emotional level so that I can keep my attention on the things that matter!
I had a friend, a really great friend… until she started dating my cousin. I was constantly put in the middle of their petty, yet explosive, fights. After several times of trying to diffuse the situation., I realized it was doing nothing but frustrating me & making me a target… so I slowly removed myself from the friendship. Then, my cousin came to my home, my safe space, my drama free zone after one of their many blow up fights. I listened, gave (I thought) sound advice, offered a place of refuge… in the end, instead of taking my advice & doing something positive, he chose to go right back to her and then use the words meant to help him, to throw me under the bus to try to save his relationship. Oh the betrayal!!!! His partner has proceeded to blow up my phone with nasty grams & hurtful comments, even threats of sorts. I have since blocked her in every way I know how, I have shared with my aunt (cousins mom), that I am truly worried about the outcome of this relationship & it’s affect on his behavior & sobriety (9 years before he met her, now he drinks toe-to-toe with her and has completely reverted back to being a self destructive and I’m afraid for him. Although I may not ever forgive him. I still love him… he’s my cousin. Blood.
Toxic parents and relatives are normal in China.
Think on that.
I just don’t know why they keep asking me if I have a dui xiang(girlfriend), which I obviously do not have(I’m 12); a good test grade, which I do have courtesy of my parents, ah, “reshaping”(read: beatings); or some savings, which is absolutely ridiculous. How come those people are even related to my kind grandparents? And how come my kind grandparents gave birth to the two abominations I have at parents now?
I tried the idea at the new year’s holiday in the family reunion. I bit back some, ah, nasty comments but tried hard not to laugh because I was thinking of this. Just my luck, I laughed and got myself in a beating.
It was worth is though.HA!
I’m currently dealing with a very toxic mother. I am experiencing depression but over all it hasn’t brought me down as much as my moms stupid comments, insults, and accusations. She gaslights, controls, manipulates, you name it. I’ve been talking to a therapist to help me through it but living with her is heavy. I asked my sister, how do you do it? How do you hold yourself back and don’t give in.
This blog made me feel so much lighter and even brought a smile to my face. Mind hack #4 sounded perfect for me. I am trying to be a better person and grow so this will help. I wrote it down on a piece of paper and I’ll pull it out before being triggered. Haha amazing! Thank you so much!
Is that toxic for you?
In China that is the norm.
(and no, we do not eat dog and cat meat.)
I am currently at this stage after being gaslighted by my grandma for six years since I was nine, but I think I made the wrong decision on showing her that her tactics doesn’t work on me anymore because she’s getting worse than ever. And yes, she is a beast from hell sent to earth on a special mission to torture me.
She recently admitted that she sent us to her home just to make us housemaids. I have no complaints about doing chores but framing us of doing something we didn’t do like one time, when the dogs where noisy, she framed me that I didn’t feed them and that I broke the food bowls that’s why they weren’t fed yet but actually, they were noisy because our dogs saw our neighbors dogs and I already fed them an hour ago. I kindly corrected her about the situation and guess what? Now I’m sleeping in the abandoned room in our dirty kitchen.
It’s fine for me though but in the Philippines there are people studying witchcraft so basically there are a lot of witches and monsters and ‘aswangs,’ so to say in our dialect. I can decorate the room, clean it up, and build a door, but the problem is that this is not my house and my grandma being toxic as she is, she practically won’t allow me to build a door and clean up the room because she obviously wants me to suffer.
Another time, she accused me of spitting on the floor which I know I didn’t and again, I corrected her and said that ‘No, it wasn’t me’ but then she bursts out yelling and standing on her claim that I did it and I was the one who spit on the floor and blabbing about my ego being hurt when she caught me in the act but I still kept on denying it and blah blah blah. It was amusing actually. I was silently laughing while she was poisoning her head with things I didn’t do.
She can’t gaslight me anymore and now that it’s clear to her, she stepped up her game and made tiny situations into a multimillion dollar movie. Ok I’m exaggerating, but you know what mean. As you said, ‘toxic people are a constant source of drama,’ and that’s exactly what my grandma is.
She’s definitely unstable. She feels satisfied when she hears us yelp in pain that it makes me think she’s a psycho. She hurts people around her when she can’t control her anger but act nice to others and mentally I’m like, ‘What’s going on here? Why are you acting so kind to people and make them feel like they can trust you?’ It’s in these times where I can see the possibility that my grandma can change and I constantly forgive her for her flaws and think that she’s just misunderstood but yet again, all I get is a slap on the wrist because she’s such a great actress and all that she’s been doing is fool everyone.
I can’t do anything about it or get away from this relationship because I’m still sixteen turning 17 this November. I’m unemployed, I don’t have a job so basically I don’t money to support myself. I don’t know if I even have a future. I’m searching for alternatives and tried crowd funding but failed. Hopefully when I am of age, opportunities will come rushing through and I can finally get out of this toxic environment. But even though my grandma is like this, I still want to thank her for caring at least once in her life.
Thanks!
Your “gaslighting” is absolutely working. Your change way you responded to her ( previously) is no longer get the rise / reaction to her toxic behavior anymore. Bottom line, your “ non response ( s) are: driving HER crazy. She is totally frustrated by her loss of power over you.
You are witnessing HER losing it……NOT you. She’s pressing harder and harder because she’s desperately trying to break you down! Believe me, she SEES that any & all of her incitements no longer get that rise in you…..SHE’S lost/ losing the control, not you!
Keep up the calm gray rock method….it is working👌
OMG! You’ve just changed my life; I could feel my shoulders actually physically lower after that huge weight lifted. Thank you sooo much for making this article accessible online. x
( If it’s of any interest- I foolishly allowed a very toxic manipulator, thief, user, emotional vampire into our world. (He now lives in part of our isolated farm). He takes relentlessly, causes trouble and gives back just tiny morsels to keep me near the hook. He has stolen and manipulated £000s off us and I’ve been way to empathetic to see or stop it. I’ve become so depressed, didn’t know why and arrived at your website. This article may well have saved my sanity and indeed my energy to give to people more deserving. (How you identify those is a question for another day!))
Thank you again; I’m off to practice my new thinking now; I expect he’ll want to move on when he realises the suckers left the building!….
I have experienced and been around toxic people all of my life. It doesn’t make feel at ease. They say negative things to me and put down remarks. This is very debilitating, devastating, hurtful and painful. I have been the victim of emotional, mental, verbal, physical and financial abuse. Although I am still meeting toxic people I am overcoming their negativity and not becoming a victim. I had to start looking at myself in a positive light and start looking at toxic people as either are a thorn in my side or a case study in which I can make realistic observations. This is taking time in mastering this skill and using my intuitive thinking. Overall, toxic people are jealous of me and my sparkling personality, good-naturedness and Christ-like spirituality. I have these qualities and toxic people are demeaning and speak viciously. I believe in the old saying, kill them with kindness and feed toxic people with a long handled spoon. I don’t let them take my sunshine away. I have grown stronger and try to avoid toxic people. Because I know they feel some sort of inadequacy and insecurity. I don’t let people who are toxic put me in a compromising position. I had to learn to respect myself and to have more self-assertiveness.
Hi Teresa,
I love what you said here: “I had to learn to respect myself and to have more self-assertiveness.” That’s exactly the point! You’re on the right path. Keep it up!
Lana
I have a “friend”, when we hang out together with no one else in his car, he does about 99% of the talking, and it’s about various things i am not interested in. (i.e. football, cars, etc.) We occasionally do talk about our similarities, (aspiration of cats, television series we both watch, etc.)
The 1% times i get to talk are usually when he asks a question, in which i answer him. However, i can say a few words then he continues the spew of words.
When we are with other people, and making a point several times about the fact i am not very social. Though it’s usually two people who are completely opposite of me, and have talked down to me being trans and my brother. Which ends up becoming the same routine every weekend.
As i don’t have any local friends and all my real friends span across the world… i never had a more physical relationship with ant of them. (not that kind of physical.)
A few weeks ago, after reading several articles on toxic friends, onesided friendships, obligatory friends… it just furtered my spectations of this “friend” being toxic.
He’s not supportive of my music, nor of my being trans.
After coming to terms i gave him a chance, to review one of my pieces of music. This was after an hour of him talking about football… i wanted to see if he could respect me enough by reviewing this 6.5 minute piece.
About ten seconds in, “i like how you music sounds better everytime i listen to it.” Then proceeds to talk about football, while the music’s still playing.
What’s odd is that i never shown him this piece before… as it is going to be on my true debut album “Namesake”
The only thing that’s letting me continue with this relationship are because of cannabis. He smokes with me every weekend. (it’s his, and i rarely pay for it. he’s never asked for repayment.)
It’s more on how he makes ne feel afterwards, drained, losing interest in the things that i usually take pride in, (my music) only to aimlessly await for him to text me, or text me back. (and not offering a sure thing most of the time. So i’m in limbo during the weekends.
So when he sorta “failed” my test on the review. that night i blocked him. I simply, waited a few weeks.
At this time, he had my brother help him with his car, and we were reacquainted. He allowed ne to talk a bit more than normal, so i figured he thought it through, i unblocked him and waited for him to call. He did. this past friday, and now i am back in that routine.
I have no local friends, and me finding friends with my previous experiences sees the more rude side of people, or even then worry that i am not worthy of bwing their friend, or being weary i may end up being the toxic person.
My question is how to resolve this so i don’t keep crawling back to him? (he’s a good person, yet also toxic to me. He let’s his other friends talk 50/50… but with me i barely can get a sentence out.
In a lighter aspect, the three weeks with him being blocked, i was able to finish the first sraft if the sheet music for Namesake and also spent my weekends relaxing and focusing on practicing more.
I know breaking it off with him is better for me, but why do i want to keep coming back? am i a masochist?
Hi E.S.,
thanks for sharing. From what you’ve said, I agree, your friend doesn’t sound like a “toxic person,” but he also doesn’t sound like a very good friend.
I don’t think you’re a masochist for going back to him, I think you just don’t have a lot of friends, and this guy, for whatever reason, is the one person that’s physically there. Or maybe you like him romantically? I don’t have all the facts so I can only speculate…
Now, him not being interested in your music is one thing. But him not being supportive of you being trans – that’s more serious. I think you deserve friends who accept you for who you are. Don’t settle for less.
Sincerely,
Lana