From time to time, we all manipulate each other in small ways to get what we want. But for some people, it’s the only way they know how to get their needs met. So how do you disarm a manipulator?

First and foremost, by learning to recognize manipulative (or emotionally abusive) behavior.

Manipulation tactics only work when we fail to recognize them. Education is key!

Once you recognize the manipulation, you already reduced its power by half. Now you need to address it. Here are 7 ways to disarm a manipulator. 

1. See through the smoke and mirrors

Manipulators are wizards of deception. They are very persuasive communicators skilled at twisting facts, pushing buttons, and shifting blame.

If you’ve ever confronted a manipulator, chances are, you ended up apologizing to them, and then wondered: how did this happen?

Don’t beat yourself up. These toxic people spent years perfecting their dark craft. Give yourself time to learn their ways.

If you pay attention, every encounter teaches you something.

2. Keep calm

Manipulative people want you to be emotional: that’s when it’s easiest to manipulate you. Don’t give them satisfaction.

Breathe, get centered, and talk only when you’re not spinning emotionally. If you feel that you can’t, walk away.

Only when you feel calm and grounded you are in the position to spot manipulation and deal with it effectively. So the most important rule is: don’t lead with emotions.

If you want to know about clever ways to emotionally disengage from toxic people and keep your cool, read 4 Clever Mind Hacks For Dealing With Toxic People

3. Trust your gut

This is a hard thing to do for people-pleasers.

The reason we seek approval, validation, and guidance from other people is that we don’t trust our own. So our gut feelings are often drowned out by the anxious need to be perceived in a positive light.

But unlike a manipulator, your gut never lies to you.

If something feels off, it is. If your boyfriend says all the right things but you still distrust him, you should. And if someone smiles to your face but you have a feeling they trash you behind your back, they do.

So don’t dismiss these gut feelings as paranoia. They will help you disarm a manipulator if you start paying attention.

4. Take your time

One of the ways manipulators get their way is by ambushing you into doing what they want.

I can’t count the number of times my toxic mother-in-law called to ask me for a favor, expecting an immediate answer. And every time I give in and answer right away, I regret it the second I hang up.

At first, the request seems small and fairly reasonable. But after you think about it for even a minute, you realize that you’ve agreed to do something you don’t want to do, something that doesn’t make sense, or something that is ultimately their responsibility.

So don’t be afraid to say: “I’m not sure right now, let me call you back.”

It applies to any kind of pressure situation. Don’t rush to call back or answer texts, especially if you feel triggered. That will allow you to hold more power in that interaction.

5. No means no

Saying “no” is a hard thing to do, especially when you’re a people-pleaser, but it’s the shortest path to shutting down a manipulator.  

Thanks to your deep-seated desire to be liked, a manipulative person will sense a possibility to coerce you to do what you don’t want to do. But you don’t have to jump when they tell you to jump.

Instead, just say “no” and rest in the awareness that those who like you will accept and respect your decisions, and those who don’t never will.

6. Work on your own demons

So here’s the unpleasant truth: manipulation is a two-way street. There’s the manipulator and the person who allows themselves to be manipulated.

There must be a subconscious agreement of sorts for manipulation to take place. 

In this case, your agreement says: “I don’t value or trust myself. I don’t respect myself enough to set boundaries, and I put other people’s needs above my own. And since I desperately need your approval, I will do as you please.”

It’s not your fault. You’re not aware that you’re giving the manipulator permission to take advantage of you. But if you’re reading this, you’ve come a long way and you’re ready to change that dynamic.

Reflect on when you began giving your power away — do you remember that exact moment?

What other situations can you recall when you were manipulated or controlled by someone you couldn’t resist? What makes you crave attention and approval from outside sources?

Remember: healthy self-esteem is the best way to disarm a manipulator.

7. Take it one day at a time

Don’t be too hard on yourself when you still fall prey to manipulation. It’s a learning process, it won’t happen overnight.

Be proud of yourself for taking these steps to learn about manipulative behaviors, and how to handle them.

And celebrate the small victories! Even something trivial, like saying “no” to a telemarketer, can feel like a big accomplishment for some people.

Practice self-respect. What would it feel like? Practice prioritizing your needs. Practice checking in with your gut in everything that you do.

With time, you will feel stronger, more knowledgeable, and more capable to handle any manipulation.

NEXT

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