What’s the difference between “nice” and “kind”? Aren’t all nice people basically sweet, giving, and easy-going?

Not necessarily.

I hate nice people. They are too polite to mention you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe. They always agree with the prevailing opinion. And they do things they don’t like because they can’t say “no.”

And that’s their main flaw – nice people are too damn agreeable.

This post will discuss why being nice isn’t a good thing, and how to be less “nice” without being a jerk.

“Nice” Doesn’t Mean “Good”

A common misconception about nice people is that they are inherently good and everyone should try to be “nice.”

When our children misbehave, we say: “Be nice!”

But what exactly are we telling them?

To do everything they’re told? To never question authority?

Or maybe we’re telling them to swallow their feelings?

Or to fit in at any cost, otherwise they won’t be loved and accepted?

That’s the wrong message. It would do our kids more good if we teach them to be brave, kind, honest, and to stand up for what they believe in.

Nice People Aren’t Authentic

They say: “Nice guys finish last,” the idea being that the jerks of the world always beat the good guys to it.

Women with a fatal attraction to “bad boys” lament their fate, wishing they could fall for a “nice guy” who can treat them right.

But when these yes-men show up and start showering them with affection, they walk all over them. And then run back to their abusive bad boys.

That’s because there is a sizable difference between being nice and being real.

Women (and men for that matter) subconsciously feel that nice guys aren’t really nice.

They just act that way, so you will like them. Their “niceness” is merely an adaptive mechanism to get the things they desire most: love, acceptance, and social approval.

A nice person is a ‘yes’ person, whereas a good person is a person who accepts their responsibility in things and moves forward and tries to constantly evolve and isn’t afraid to say no or challenge someone or be honest or truthful. — Miranda Kerr

Nice People Are Too Obedient

Have you heard of the controversial Milgram experiment? It was conducted in the 1960s, in the aftermath of World War II.

Yale psychologist Stanley Milgram wanted to understand what made regular, law-abiding citizens participate in the crimes of the Nazi regime or at least turn a blind eye to it.

The results were shocking. It showed that normal, nice people are conditioned to obey authority, even when asked to carry out horrendous deeds.

The design of the experiment was genius in its cruelty and simplicity.

A participant (“teacher”) thinks that he is taking part in a study on memory and learning. But in fact, the subject of the study is obedience to authority.

He has to ask another participant (“learner”) a series of questions, and when the learner gets the question wrong, administer a mild (15v) electric shock to him.

Of course, no researcher would be able to conduct this sort of experiment in its pure form. The shocks weren’t real and the learner was an actor simulating being electrocuted.

As the study progresses and the learner gets more questions wrong, the teacher has to gradually increase the voltage. The point of maximum shock was 450v, which is lethal for a human being.

The electroshock machine used in the Milgram experiment

So imagine you’re in a Yale psych lab, watching this…

The learner/actor sits on a chair in another room behind the glass. As he is being “shocked” with high doses of electricity again and again, he starts exhibiting real discomfort.

The actor lets out distressed grunts at first, and then agonizing screams. He cries out in pain and pleads to be released. He complains of chest pain.

The participant doesn’t want to shock him. He feels guilty and downright tortured to be doing that to another person. Yet he continues because an authority figure in a white coat tells him that he must follow through.

Finally, after a maximum voltage shock, the learner’s lifeless body no longer makes a sound.

But the real shocker of the experiment was the results. All participants administered high, potentially lethal doses. And 65 percent administered the maximum lethal shock, although under protest.

And if you’re thinking: these people were probably sadistic psychopaths, think again.

Milgram methodically chose his subjects on the basis of their total “normalcy.” These were “ordinary people drawn from working, managerial, and professional classes.”

Nice People are Too Eager to Please

A recent (2014) study published in the Journal of Personality echoes Milgram’s findings, but it goes even further.

It says that people whose personality could be described as nice or friendly are more likely to follow orders that hurt others than those who can be described as rebellious or antisocial.

That’s because nice people want to be nice. They avoid any kind of conflict, even if it means compromising their beliefs. They’re afraid of being considered rude, or of causing awkwardness.

In other words, nice people are too concerned about what people think of them, so their first impulse is to please.

In the Milgram experiment, many participants felt extremely uncomfortable about having to administer electroshock and wanted to stop. But they rationalized it by telling themselves that it would be rude to disrupt the study and that they would be letting the scientists down.

So at the end of the day, they’re not responsible because they’re just doing what they’re told.

Being Nice Isn’t All That Nice

Being nice isn’t a bad thing when it means genuine kindness and concern for other people. But fat too often “niceness” is merely an adaptive mechanism to get the things we desire most: love, acceptance and social approval.

Deep down, nice people lack the courage and the self-respect to be honest about who they are, and to stand up for what they believe in.

Their desire to please and to fit in overshadows their desire to be authentic. And that leads to dangerous repercussions.

Nice people can administer electroshock to a total stranger because a man in a white coat told them to. Or march thousands of women and children into the ovens of Auschwitz because that’s their job.

In other words, nice people aren’t what they seem. More often than not, “nice” is a euphemism for obedient and insecure.

Being nice merely to be liked in return nullifies the point. — Criss Jami, Killosophy

How to Stop Being an Obedient “Yes” Person

Despite the social approval you might receive, being nice is actually a serious handicap in relationships.

So here are 10 things you need to stop doing in order to come out of your “nice” shell and become your true self.

1. Stop telling people what they want to hear.

It’s good to be sensitive but you don’t have to walk on tippy-toes around other people’s feelings. You can honor your truth, and be polite at the same time.

It won’t push people away. It’ll make them respect you more.

2. Stop apologizing for your feelings.

When you’re nice (and I speak from personal experience), you don’t want to burden people with your feelings. And even if you do verbalize how you feel, you act as if it’s wrong to feel this way.

I know it’s hard for you to acknowledge your own feelings as if they actually mean something. But how you feel does matter. Don’t dismiss it; embrace it.

3. Stop saying “yes” when you want to say “no.”

This is the biggest handicap with nice people. All those people in the Milgram experiment wanted to say “no,” but they still did what they were told. Don’t be like that!

I can relate to this because I find it hard to say “no” to people or to be rude.

But remember that every time you say “yes” when you mean to say “no,” you chip away a piece of yourself. So practice saying “no” — politely but firmly.

4. Stop pretending your feelings didn’t get hurt.

Yeah, you’re used to brushing it off and pretending that you’re fine when someone mistreats you. Or when the girl or the guy you like picks your friend over you.

Speak up. Talk to someone. Just don’t pretend.

5. Stop being kind and generous to people who don’t deserve it.

Chances are, you’re actually a kind and generous person, and your “niceness” isn’t just a facade.

Still, some people (i.e. toxic people) will abuse your kindness for their own personal agendas. Learn to recognize when someone is manipulating you.

6. Stop underestimating yourself.

Nice people usually don’t have high self-esteem. Hence, their approval-seeking behavior.

Learn to love yourself. Find out what you like about yourself. Take a compliment without dismissing it.

7. Stop wasting your time trying to be someone else.

You may not like everything about yourself, but all the parts and pieces of you have value. And together, they make up a unique, complex, intelligent person.

Get to know this person. Get to know who you are, and what you want. This way you won’t be defined by what other people want you to be.

8. Stop bottling up your anger.

Of all the bottled-up feelings you may have, anger is the worst. It’s extremely detrimental to your health to keep anger repressed.

So stop feeling guilty about being angry, and let it out in a safe environment. If you don’t, you’ll grow resentful and bitter.

9. Stop boosting other people’s egos.

Your problem is, you put too much stock in what other people think of you. And you trust their opinion more than you trust your own.

In other words, you make other people feel smart and important, while you downplay your own intelligence.

It’s not your job to be everyone’s cheerleader and beck and call. Not when you don’t get the same in return.

10. Stop letting people take you for granted.

The biggest thing you need to realize is that you are a good person, even if you do hide behind a mask of “niceness.”

And when you realize that, you’ll start valuing yourself more and standing up for yourself. As a result, other people will stop taking you for granted.

NEXT

5 Ways Toxic People Violate Your Boundaries

7 Proven Ways to RESPOND Not REACT to a Toxic Person

10 Steps to Taking Your Power Back From a Toxic Person