Creating emotional distance from a narcissist may be easier said than done. But if no contact is not an option, it’s the next best thing. Read on to find out 12 proven methods of emotional distancing from a narcissistic person who’s making your life hell.
What is Emotional Distance?
Emotional distance is a sense of detachment from an event, situation, or person in order to gain perspective and control over one’s emotional responses.
Emotional distancing, then, is an act of creating that detachment.
In situations when emotions run high, emotional or psychological distancing is particularly important. It allows you to stay calm and see the bigger picture.
But when you’re dealing with a narcissist, emotions always run high because they know just which buttons to push to make you react.
You may be a cool, collected person who doesn’t easily lose control.
And yet, when you’re around a narcissistic person, particularly a family member, you may find yourself getting sucked into their drama and responding from an emotionally charged place.
That’s when you need psychological distancing the most.
Here are 12 proven, effective techniques that will allow you to create emotional distance from a narcissist, thus, protecting yourself from devastating emotional harm.
1. Focus on your breathing
The best way to ground yourself and disengage emotionally from a volatile situation is to breathe slowly and deeply.
Take a few deep long breaths, concentrating on how it feels when the air fills up your lungs, and when it’s released through your nose.
If you want to take it one step further, on the exhale imagine the volatile feelings leaving your body.
2. Try to relax
This may seem counterintuitive because when you’re around a narcissist, your body is screaming “Danger! Danger!” and you instinctively tense up in a self-protective impulse.
Try relaxing your muscles instead of tensing them. That will make it easier to breathe. It will also make it easier to feel more grounded.
When you’re relaxed and grounded, you are more likely to keep your cool and respond (not react) to a narcissist’s provocations.
3. Repeat a calming mantra
In Hinduism, a mantra is a word, sound, or phrase repeated to aid concentration or induce the desired state.
When a narcissist is intentionally pushing your “buttons,” you need to stay calm. Let the words wash over you and silently repeat a calming mantra.
It can be an actual mantra but it can also be any word or phrase you choose that is meaningful to you.
Here are some examples of peaceful and calming mantras you can repeat when dealing with a narcissist:
- Om Shanti Om (this is an ancient Vedic Mantra; “Om” is the sound of the Universe, “Shanti” means peace in Sanskrit)
- I radiate peace
- I am One with all that is
- My mind and body are calm
- I am worthy
- I choose peace
- Every breath I take is filled with peace
- I love myself
- I am not other people’s projections of me
4. Visualize
Similar to repeating a calming mantra, visualization can help you center yourself when a narcissist is trying to rattle you.
Close your eyes (if you can) and visualize your favorite place. Perhaps, it’s a place where you grew up or your favorite vacation spot.
Mentally transport yourself to that place, and you will effectively create emotional distance from a narcissist, even if for a few moments.
5. Engage your body
If the situation allows, distract yourself with physical activity.
Doodle, fidget with an object, wash the dishes — anything that can channel your energy in a different direction.
It will allow you to re-focus and disconnect from a frustrating situation.
6. Watch yourself from a distance
When we’re in an emotionally charged situation, it’s hard to see it clearly. But that is exactly what this mind hack allows!
Try to see yourself (and a narcissist you’re talking to) as if from a distance. Take the position of an observer instead of an active participant. See it through the eyes of a neutral third party or a researcher of a sort.
That will allow you to disengage and not take anything personally.
7. Touch a totem
In the movie “Inception,” trained individuals are able to enter other people’s dreams to steal personal information. To be able to tell a dream from reality, they each have a “totem” — an object they touch to test their experience.
Similarly, you can have a “totem” that would remind you that your experience with a narcissist is not “real” — it’s just concocted drama meant to drain you emotionally and spiritually.
Your totem can be anything – a picture of someone you love, a coin, a stone…Something that reminds you that you’re OK and that the only reality is the one you create.
8. Know your triggers
Narcissists have a sixth sense when it comes to your triggers. That’s why it’s paramount — and I can’t stress this enough — to know what triggers you.
Anything can be a trigger — words, people, situations, or even someone’s perfume or the tone of voice.
You may have a low threshold for criticism, or you may be sensitive to people ignoring you or invalidating you.
When you know your triggers, it reduces their power. Therefore, you can have more emotional distance when a narcissist is trying to use that trigger against you.
9. Understand narcissism
Emotional distance from a narcissist is impossible without at least a rudimentary understanding of narcissism and the nature of narcissistic abuse.
For example, narcissistic abuse is subtle and malicious. But it does have a purpose to it. Deep down inside, narcissists feel worthless, so they will criticize or outright attack you to protect their frail ego. It has nothing to do with you as a person.
If you understand this, you can immediately distance yourself from the narcissistic person’s attempts to project their insecurities on you.
10. The grey rock method
The grey rock method is a way to disengage from a narcissist by acting as boring as possible in order to make them lose interest.
By intentionally refusing to respond to a narcissist in every single way — from reacting to their provocations to eye contact — you create emotional distance and deny the narcissist an opportunity to escalate the situation.
Since narcissists are emotional vampires who feed on attention and drama, they need your engagement. Give them none.
11. Set firm boundaries
You don’t have to openly challenge the narcissist and feed their need for conflict.
All you have to do is decide where your boundaries lie and commit to maintaining these boundaries. If you do that, you will empower yourself in creating emotional distance from a narcissist.
For example, your boundary may be that you will not tolerate yelling or insults. The moment a narcissist crosses that boundary, you give yourself permission to immediately walk away.
This way, you create both physical and emotional distance from a narcissist.
12. Stop looking for the narcissist’s approval
What narcissists do best is make you feel like you have to bend over backward to get their validation and approval. It’s especially true if you have a narcissistic parent.
They do it by first giving you a taste of it and then taking it away. If you fall for it, you’ll be jumping through their hoops for scraps of approval, and the narcissist will have full control of you.
That’s when you’re most vulnerable to narcissistic abuse.
To get off the merry-go-round and emotionally detach yourself, you need to stop seeking their validation and start relying on your internal self-worth. Even if the narcissist is actively trying to destroy it.
How will a narcissist react to your emotional distance?
Without a doubt, a narcissist will sense that you’re creating emotional distance from them.
Their reactions may vary. They may react with anger or even rage. They may attempt to “hook” you back in with a sudden display of affection or validation. Or they may use other manipulative tactics in their arsenal.
In other words, they will double their efforts to suck you back into their world.
Expect that and stay the course.
Emotional distance is your best defense against someone’s attempts to control or manipulate you, and it drives narcissists insane.
So whether or not you can physically distance yourself, emotional distance is always possible. You just have to make a clear decision to stop being the narcissist’s energy supply.
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