Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Then you should know that you can never win the games they play. The narcissist will always win because the truth is, they don’t love you and they don’t really care about you. So they have the upper hand. However, there are certain things that can drive a narcissist insane.
Short of going no contact, those things are powerful defenses against the narcissist.
Not only that, understanding these triggers can be incredibly useful because it can help you identify when someone reacts like a narcissist. When seemingly simple, mundane things result in a wild overreaction, you know something isn’t right.
So without further ado, let’s take a look at 10 things that can drive a narcissist insane.
1. Losing
If you look up the definition of a “sore loser” in a dictionary, it’ll say “narcissist.” OK, it doesn’t but it should.
Narcissists hate losing. They believe that they are the best at everything and losing to those they believe to be inferior can be infuriating.
Since narcissists are always in pursuit of status and admiration from others, losing for them can be a devastating ego blow that can trigger their narcissistic injury.
That’s why narcissists will do anything to win. They will lie, cheat, betray, manipulate — all in the name of winning. And even if they lose, they have lots of ego defenses against losing.
For example, if they were trying to win a party game and lost, they’ll get angry and announce that the game was rigged, the rules are wrong, it’s stupid, they lost on purpose, etc.
Seeking promotion at work is another situation that can engage their desire to win and showcase their superiority.
So if you want to see a narcissist go nuts, make them lose. Get one over them and enjoy the show.
2. Inability to Control Others
Narcissists like to be in control. They usually have a clear idea of how things are supposed to be and how others should behave.
When reality refuses to conform to their picture and when other people go against the narcissist’s wishes and ideas, this can trigger an explosive response.
For example, think of a narcissistic parent who sees their child as an extension of them. The child is not allowed any individuality or self-expression. Any desire they express is censored or criticized.
So any deviating from the parent’s planned script (like choosing a different career or a partner the parent doesn’t approve of) results in anger and punitive action against the child.
This can be devastating when you’re growing up. But as an adult, you can use it against the narcissist in your life. Step out of their control. Or better yet, walk away.
When you walk away from them, you are likely to discover that initially, it will make them work harder to gain their control back. They will double their efforts to make you conform to their expectations. But if you’re not backing down, eventually they will leave you alone.
3. Rejection
It may not look like it but many narcissists have a fear of abandonment or rejection.
While they might appear to have strong self-esteem and confidence, this is often no more than a facade. Underneath that false bravado is a fragile, immature ego that needs constant bolstering.
In particular, being left or rejected can puncture that sense of confidence and provoke a strong response from a narcissistic person. The type of reaction depends on the type of narcissism.
An overt (or grandiose) narcissist is likely to get angry and seek vengeance or retribution.
A covert (or vulnerable) narcissist will react to perceived abandonment by seeking reassurance.
For example, if they feel their partner might leave them, they could start love-bombing (showing exaggerated expressions of love and affection) or use other manipulation tactics to influence the outcome.
Either way, they will definitely be irked by an experience of rejection.
4. Being Ignored
Narcissists usually try to be at the center of attention. They will seek the spotlight and try to reframe the situation to be about them.
For example, a narcissistic woman can come to her friend’s wedding wearing a white dress and be enjoying the whispers and the raised eyebrows. She can also create a scene and make the celebration ultimately about her.
Being ignored is torture for a narcissist. Which means it’s an incredibly useful tool at your disposal. Nothing is more powerful than simply ignoring the narc.
Instead of being hurt or upset about what they said, just shrug — or better yet — yawn as if this is painfully boring to you. This will surely make them tick.
5. Being Criticized
This is a classic case of “can dish it out but can’t take it.”
Although narcissists are often judgmental and critical of others, they can be very sensitive towards criticism in their direction.
It’s especially true if the criticism is expressed in public. Seeing the critique as an attempt to humiliate them, they might respond in a vicious and personal manner.
For example, think of Donald Trump’s late-night tweets about people who’ve publicly criticized his policies or actions. They were personal attacks (like calling a woman “ugly”) rather than arguments addressing the issue.
It is typical of narcissists. When they feel criticized or slighted, they lash out. So criticism is their “hot button.”
6. Seeing Others Pursue Status
Narcissists tend to be highly concerned with their status and are preoccupied with achieving more.
This can drive them to professional and social success, but can also make them intolerant of other people’s pursuit of the same.
If they perceive you as a rival who is in the way of their goals or fantasies, they can take swift action by defaming you or using other tools against you to make sure you don’t succeed.
Sometimes, it can get pretty ugly because narcissists are absolutely ruthless when pursuing what they believe they’re entitled to.
They see high social standing as essential to their identity and if someone else enjoys the fruits of status (wealth, fame, influence), it can really get their goat.
7. Lack of Reaction from Others
A narcissist seeks to trigger strong emotional responses from you.
It doesn’t even matter how you feel — love-struck, upset, or furious. They just want to feel that they are the ones that caused it. It gives them a sense of power.
Although narcissists have serious deficits when it comes to emotional intelligence, they have a knack for sniffing out your weak spots or “hot buttons.” So if you let them, a narcissist will play you like a violin.
They are especially good at concocting provocations to throw you off your game or trigger a negative emotion.
That’s why a lack of response or reaction from you is one of those things that can drive a narcissist absolutely insane. It’s extremely unpleasant and even disturbing to them because it relates to a sense of rejection.
So if you don’t want to be a narcissist’s favorite toy, know your emotional triggers.
8. Feeling Exposed
Narcissists tend to be in denial of their own mistakes and shortcomings.
However, because they’re always concerned with public perception, they’re aware of behaviors that they feel they might be judged for, like their violent outbursts.
Their “dark side” becoming public knowledge or being exposed in some way is the narcissist’s worst nightmare. They will go to extreme lengths to prevent it from happening.
If you’ve ever been in a child custody battle with a narcissist, you know this to be true. They will lie and gaslight to hide their true self, all the while trying to paint you as a bad parent.
So while exposing a narcissist isn’t easy, if you succeed at it, it will really drive them insane.
9. Unfavorable Comparisons
A narcissist’s self-esteem is tied to external factors such as physical appearance, status, authority, possessions, etc. This type of self-esteem is quite fragile because it’s based on a comparative perspective.
In other words, narcissists feel good about themselves when they compare themselves to others and feel superior as a result of the comparison.
However, narcissists struggle when the comparison is not in their favor or when they are objectively inferior in one way or another.
A core narcissistic trait is viewing themselves as better than others and entitled to special treatment or privileges. When reality contradicts this view, a narcissist’s ego defenses go into overdrive.
They will try to minimize or ignore the situation, attack their perceived rival, or boost their status in a desperate attempt to flip the script.
10. Seeing Others Happy
If you ever dated a narcissist, you know how confusing the experience can be. At first, the narcissist is feeding you lies and love-bombing to get you hooked. They can be fascinating and exciting, and you feel like you’re living a fairytale.
But then something happens — an argument, perhaps, or a simple disagreement — and your Prince Charming suddenly turns into a fire-breathing dragon.
He’ll be remorseful later, and the fairytale will resume. Until the next episode of rage, jealousy, lying, etc. This is the typical cycle of abuse in a trauma bond relationship.
If you manage to survive, get out of that vicious cycle, and actually be happy, know that it will drive the narcissist crazy.
They want you to feel that your happiness depends on them. They want you to be broken and miserable without them. So if you not only moved on but are also enjoying life sans their highness, that is guaranteed to bother them.
That’s why being happy is the ultimate revenge on the narcissist.
Final Thoughts
These 10 things can really drive the narcissist insane.
But playing mind games or trying to punish the narcissist isn’t necessarily a good idea. Remember: if you really want to take your power back, you have to stop emotionally engaging with them.
Go no contact, if you can. But keep in mind that it implies more than physical distance. To truly sever your connection, you have to learn to create emotional distance from a narcissist whether or not you’re around them.
Overall, any of us can have some narcissistic tendencies and react badly to one or more of these triggers. However, if it happens consistently or we always see the same behavior from ourselves or someone else, it might be worth addressing.
References
Grapsas, S., Brummelman, E., Back, M. D., & Denissen, J. (2020). The “Why” and “How” of Narcissism: A Process Model of Narcissistic Status Pursuit. Perspectives on psychological science: a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, 15(1), 150–172. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691619873350
Valashjardi, A., & Charles, K. (2019). Voicing the Victims of Narcissistic Partners: A Qualitative Analysis of Responses to Narcissistic Injury and Self-Esteem Regulation. SAGE Open. https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244019846693
thanks for info
Thanks for the information. Hmm I have a clearer vision and techniques now .
Thank you once again