If you’re dealing with a toxic person, you’ll notice that they have a tendency to assume the role of a victim or a martyr. A proper term for this behavior is “martyr complex,” and it’s often accompanied by covert narcissism.
In this article, we will talk about
- what is playing the martyr, or martyr complex;
- the difference between martyr complex and playing the victim;
- why martyr complex is associated with narcissism;
- what causes martyr complex;
- dealing with martyr complex in others;
- overcoming martyr complex in yourself.
What Is Martyr Complex
Playing the martyr, or “martyr complex,” is when a person has an exaggerated sense of obligation to suffer or sacrifice for others in order to elicit sympathy, love, and admiration.
It’s also meant to evoke guilt. So playing the martyr is passive-aggressive behavior, and one of the hallmarks of covert narcissism.
Martyr Complex and Covert Narcissism
It’s not always the case, but the martyr complex can be a sign of covert narcissism.
Narcissism, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), isn’t one-size-fits-all. It presents in different and seemingly opposite ways. At least two types of narcissism are currently recognized: grandiose (overt) and vulnerable (covert).
Covert narcissism is a quieter, more reserved version of NPD. Narcissists of this variety may appear anxious, insecure, and even self-effacing.
But just like regular old narcissists, they’re intensely self-absorbed, entitled, and vain.
Throw a martyr complex in the mix, and you’ve got a real ray of sunshine.
Whereas a typical narcissist thinks she’s better than others because of her innate qualities, a covert narcissist with a martyr complex justifies her sense of superiority with the “good deeds” she does for others.
So she gets to be on a high horse at all times, seeing other people as selfish ingrates who are ultimately unworthy of her “gifts.”
More often than not, covert narcissists with a martyr complex seriously overestimate their goodness. They exaggerate the importance of things they do for others, and resent people for not measuring up to their twisted standards.
They think they’re selfless and giving, when in fact they’re completely self-serving. They’re also master manipulators.
Martyr Complex Vs. Playing the Victim
Playing the victim and martyr complex are used interchangeably sometimes, but there is a difference between those two terms.
When someone is “playing the victim,” they feel victimized by their life circumstances. They tend to be paranoid, too, suspecting that everyone’s out to hurt them. They insist that bad things happen to them, and that they’re helpless in the face of insurmountable, cruel odds.
A person with a martyr complex seeks out difficult or even painful circumstances to gain support or admiration. They often take on unnecessary burdens and sacrifice their own needs for others.
But unlike someone with a kind and generous spirit, a person with a martyr complex does it out of a sense of obligation or superiority: “I’m better than you, so I will do this for you, even though you’re a worthless person who doesn’t deserve it.”
Growing Up With a “Martyr” Parent
If your parent habitually plays the martyr, you probably spent your entire childhood under the crushing weight of guilt.
Your parent’s suffering was so loud and all-encompassing, there was no room for anyone else.
So you’ve learned that your thoughts, feelings, and needs don’t matter. They can never be as important as the endless pain of your parent’s existence, and the sacrifices he or she made for you.
Related: 7 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent With a Martyr Complex
For more on the subject, read How to Deal With a Difficult Parent: 7 Strategies to Keep Your Sanity
Martyr Complex in Relationships
Being in a romantic relationship with someone with a martyr complex is just as frustrating as being raised by one. You’ll feel like
- you need to walk on eggshells around your partner’s feelings, or they’ll turn defensive;
- you’re always wrong, and always the one apologizing;
- your partner gaslights you into believing you are the cause of their suffering;
- no matter how hard you try, you can’t make them happy;
- the smallest misunderstanding turns into a huge argument.
Like any toxic relationship, a relationship with a martyr is one-sided and emotionally abusive. Your needs don’t matter or even exist.
And whenever you bring it up, your partner assumes the role of the victim and turns the tables back on you.
The Origins of Martyr Complex
Martyr complex can be a result of trauma or abuse.
But when martyr complex is a symptom of a larger narcissistic pattern of behavior, it almost always starts in childhood, in the family of origin.
Growing up, the child might have observed caregivers being selfless and putting other people’s needs above their own. This is particularly typical of traditional cultures where women are subjugated to men, and expected to be everyone’s caretaker, helper, and servant.
Growing up in this type of environment, a child (particularly a girl) learns that helping others or taking on extra work is a straightforward way to receive social approval and the love of her parents.
No one’s praising her for being smart, independent, outspoken, brave… Or for just being herself. But whenever she’s sacrificing her needs for others, she’s showered with validation.
As she grows older, she learns that being a “martyr” not only earns her “good girl” points. It also allows her to manipulate others to get what she wants, and escape accountability for her personal shortcomings.
So there are considerable psychological rewards to being a martyr.
Dealing with Martyr Complex in Others
If you’ve read this article all the way through and gotten to this part, you probably have a martyr in your life. And you’re baffled as to what to do about them.
When dealing with a covert narcissist with a martyr complex, you can go one of two ways: either appease them (give them what they want), or stand your ground and don’t allow yourself to become “indebted” to the martyr.
If you give the martyr the appreciation they seek, it might make them happy for a while. But it’s not all they want from you. They want your complete and total devotion, obedience, and forgiveness.
In other words, they want you to protect their fragile ego at all costs, even when it hurts you.
Not many people are willing to go to such lengths to please someone. And even if they are, they’ll end up emotionally burnt out, resenting the martyr, and regretting their choices.
The other way — standing your ground — is harder, especially if you’re dealing with someone close to you, like a parent or a significant other. But it preserves your sanity in the long run.
Standing your ground is basically refusing to validate the martyr’s narrative and to play their games. That would involve refusing gifts or favors from the martyr, holding them accountable for their actions, and not giving them praise or pity.
Because let’s get it straight: nothing a martyr does is for free. There’s always a big bill at the end of that meal! So unless you want the martyr to have the strings to control you, go with option #2.
Overcoming Martyr Complex in Yourself
We all have a little bit of a martyr in us. We all bite off a little more than we can chew, and then feel hurt when we’re not praised and idolized for our efforts.
But trying to manipulate and control other people with our “good deeds” is where it crosses over into a martyr complex.
The good news is, if you’re self-aware enough to recognize it in yourself and to want to change, it’s completely correctable. Here are a few things you can do to get off that cross and start living a more authentic life.
- Stop taking on extra work to prove that you can.
- Start delegating: it doesn’t have to be done your way to get done.
- If you do choose to do something, do it unconditionally. Don’t expect to be rewarded with praise or favors, otherwise, it’s selfish.
- Start taking responsibility for when you’re wrong. No one is right all the time. If you feel that you are, it’s time to re-evaluate your priorities.
- Respect other people’s boundaries. They may be different from yours, and you may think they’re silly.
- If you don’t feel appreciated for the things you do, stop doing them. That’s the healthy response. Doing them over and over again and feeling resentful of people not appreciating your sacrifices — that’s martyr complex.
Final Thoughts
Covert narcissists with a martyr complex are one of the most difficult, challenging people you could ever deal with.
They seem to be so good and giving, but people in their close circle know just how cruel and punishing they can be.
This type of person is one of the most convincing and dangerous manipulators you will ever encounter.
If you have one in your family, you have my sympathy. If you’re in a relationship with one, RUN!
Have you ever encountered covert narcissism with a martyr complex? Tell your story! I’d love to hear about your experience.
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10 Types of Women Who Attract Narcissists
This is my Mom, so much that I laughed out loud while reading it. i’m 51 years old and have just started pulling away a couple years ago. Since i was about 14 i have never been enough. she tells everyone including my husband and kids how awful i am. and everything she has ever done for me came with major strings attached. i allowed her to use my husband always putting him to work on her house stealing him away from his family all while treating me like crap and a slave. i never knew what her diagnosis was until recently. it amazing how perfectly it fits her and thank you for the validation because of course no one sees it except me my husband and kids. everyone else in her thinks i’m a horrible person since i was 14. i’m 51 and just learning to speak up for myself. It’s crazy
Hi Leanne,
it may seem like you should have known all this sooner but everyone has their own timeline. And in my experience, these sort of realizations usually come later in life. You’re right on schedule! Plus, for many people who grew up enmeshed with their manipulative parents it doesn’t happen at all…Everything happens when you’re ready, and not a second earlier. Learning to speak up for yourself is a huge deal, no matter the age. You should be very proud of yourself! ❤️
Sincerely,
Lana
thank you so much for your kind words 🙂
This is my ex-husband. He is currently estranged from our two kids and has been for the last 3 years. Our youngest is 16. I had to take him to family court to modify our custody and visitation order. Our oldest was given full discretion on contact and communication. Our youngest was to see him for “parenting time” in a therapeutic environment. That didn’t go well. The therapist has determined that this isn’t beneficial.
He has done absolutely everything to try to weasel his way back in to their lives: blame shift, intimidate, manipulate, guilt, coerce, you name it. I believe he does these things to appear like the victim or martyr because he has all kinds of “evidence” that he’s tried to engage with them and hasn’t abandoned them even though his constant texting and showing up unannounced and uninvited is doing the exact opposite of what he desires. It’s unsettling and exhausting. I’m also fairly certain he’s been lying to his wife about the circumstances and she’s either too scared or brainwashed OR she’s also got some sort of disorder that prevents her from seeing the truth. I cannot wait for our youngest to turn 18 so I can finally go 100% no contact. I have very minimal contact with him and I never initiate any communication with him.
What happens when a martyr/victim complex appears in the following family dynamics:
> Scapegoat grows up
> tries to have a conversation regarding past (or recent) abuse
> Gets reproached for having a “victim complex” or “Martyr mentality”?
> tries to hold guilty party accountable for their behavior
> they double down on the victim complex
Asking for a friend.
Amreet,
It seems that you already have a pretty good grasp on the situation. When the child of a narcissistic parent grows up and confronts the parent, they are often dismissed, ridiculed, or even attacked. Instead of acknowledging the abuse – which is a highly unlikely scenario when dealing with a narcissist – they turn the tables on the victim.
Holding someone accountable for the abuse is not the same as playing the victim. In the first case, you’re acknowledging the past so you can set boundaries and protect yourself from further abuse. In the second case, you’re manipulating someone in order to elicit guilt, shame, avoid personal responsibility, etc.
Narcissistic people are notorious for gaslighting their victims. Tell your friend that they didn’t do anything wrong. The only thing they have to remember is to manage expectations. Confronting a narcissist is unlikely to produce acknowledgement or remorse on their part. Your friend’s goal is to state their case and to stay calm and firm when their reality is questioned or distorted. Don’t try to change the narcissist’s mind or to prove something to them. That will never happen. However, speaking your truth is incredibly empowering, no matter how it’s received. Stay grounded in your truth. And know that you don’t need their acknowledgement or apology to heal and move on.
Sincerely,
Lana
had a former friend who goes back and forth between three different traits. she’s either the complete Victim, or complete martyr or total hero.
She was hurt in a situation but then she totally escalated the whole thing to the point where she had a restraining order put on her. But now she’s back and although she says it’s for reconciliation her words and actions say it’s vindication
maybe the most hurtful thing is when she tries to get my family an mutual friends convinced she’s both the victim an the savior in the situation.
we did have one meeting with a third party where I laid down my boundaries but of course now she turned the tables on me to others. Now I’m the narcissist and both blinded and manipulating.
all I can do is step away, go silent and refuse to ‘play her game,’…
but of course in her eyes in doing that I’m now gaslighting her. 🙄 There’s no winning, so I choose to not engage and trust others will see thru it.
some already are, simply cause I’m not going to them an activity tearing her down. I figure her own words an actions will do that eventually if she doesn’t change her behavior.
it’s hard though. and it hurts but I refuse to get drawn into the same behavior pattern!
Thank you for this article. It gave me some
Perspective on my relationship with my Mom who I believe is a covert narcissist with a martyr complex. She has placed a tremendous amount of guilt on me through my entire life. She has always been stressed and miserable with her life and marriage to my father who is an alcoholic. It’s the same old story day in day out. She’s so tired, stressed, unwell. Everyone is so ungrateful for everything she does. Everyone uses her etc etc . She has definitely helped me when I needed it – but I knew that it would come at a cost because she then would try to guilt trip me
later, and control me. I just had an interaction with her today that was a classic example of her manipulation. I just got married a few days ago. My Mom came to the wedding which was 2 hours away from where she lives. She made a huge deal about this. She’s so tired, stressed from
Travelling, not feeling well from going to the wedding. We are leaving today to go on a mini get away for our hunny moon. She hung up the phone on me when she found out we were leaving for a few days. She texted me after to say she would
Find someone to help her take care mod some things that need to be done in the next few days and that she will not longer be a burden to me. I’ve been helping her recently because she had a surgery a few months ago. This is the first time I’ve taken some time to myself – AND it’s my honeymoon!!! A classic example of a covert narc with a martyr complex here folks. She’s deliberately trying to ruin my holiday (as nerds often do) and playing the poor victim. I will maintain boundaries and distance myself if needed because I know that the next move she will make is the SILENT TREATMENT. Stay strong people
Out there that are dealing with this!
I came across this article by chance and it describes my spouse perfectly. Its as if someone has been studying my wife and wrote this article about her specifically. We’ve been married 22 years and have 3 kids. I am currently in counseling for myself and sent this info to my therapist. Any thoughts on how to approach her in order to repair my relationship? FYI: we were in marriage counseling, but she decided that we’ve been going long enough and don’t need to go any longer (3 months). In her eyes everything is fine and in my eyes, the marriage is all but dead.
This is great article. I used to project both narcissism and a martyr complex onto my mother; after 45 years I can now admit that whilst she might have both conditions, I am a vulnerable narcissist with both a victim and a martyr complex and I have been projecting these conditions onto everybody I have come across in my life. It is really sad, it has cost me my life. Yes, there I go again. We cannot help ourselves. So persecute me for it. It is, after all, the way we really like it.
I live in the Midwest & this sounds like every mid-management supervisor or most small business owners I’ve met.
I actually started using the term martyr syndrome before knowing what it even was. I immediately pick up on it.
It hits a peak when they start using red flag phrases like “wearing multiple hats”, “wish I could clone myself”, “I guess I’ll save the day again”. They might point at their huge brain & talk about trying to transfer it to someone worthy.
At first you feel bad, maybe they’re just really amazing & nobody can help them; they’re maximum genius megamind, and their responsibilities & output can never be matched.
Over time it becomes apparent, they’ve built their cage on purpose & they are, in fact, just an asshole. Odds are highly likely everyone loses respect & their desire to help you. It’s even more likely you don’t pay enough, so why bother.
In the end, just sad people being sad in the pursuit of their boss & daddy’s love, and money and power, of course.
Just inquiring: What would happen if two people each with these conditions were interacting together?
I mean, I Imagine there would be plenty of problems…Though it is somewhat difficult to visualize what that might look like.
HELP! Married now for 23 yrs, 18yr old daughter and 16 yr old son. So many years of bewilderment, confusion, sadness and loneliness. Only in the last year or 2 did a couple of big behavioral events finally clue me in to where and what to research. I am just not the kind of person that expects to have to come home from work with my guard up prepared to mental warfare with the one that says she loves me. Within a couple of articles, so many moments of clarity, so much understanding. I am married to a martyr narcissist and now I understand the behaviors of her mother as well who passed away several years ago. Now I am realizing that my children have learned this behavior as well and my heart breaks for their future happiness and relationship success. Especially in my 18 ur daughter. I can already see early signs of similar behavior not to mention my wife has played me for a fool and done her best to drive a wedge between my daughter and I in order to secure that blind devotion and affection she so desperately desires and to make herself out as the absolute best Saint parent on the planet and me as the evil one. I do still love her although after learning about this personality disorder, the only reason why I can possibly come up with would be that there is hope for some good left in her somewhere. I have become determined to confront her about these destructive behavior patterns in hopes that it will bring back the memories of her mother and ultimately see those behaviors in herself to begin a journey of healing. But I can NOT continue in this toxic environment the way it is. Obviously this brings up many fears. I feel that divorcing her will only enable her ultimate martyr play, especially alienating my children from me. Ultimately I would also like to educate my children in hopes of preserving their potential for happy successful and fulfilled relationships. I am absolutely sure there is no one right answer and no correct way to go about all of this but I am seeking advice.
Sincerely,
Distraught
Robert, your situation sounds like mine except I didn’t figure it out until many years later. I hope you will be able to make your daughter aware of what is going on. For me it’s too late. My daughter passed away last year from cancer. She was 36. Over the last few years I sensed that she was looking at me as a bad person. Now I’m pretty sure my wife was telling her things trying to drive a wedge between us.
Oh wow… I had heard this term from a psychologist on a casual sitting when talking about my relationship with my mum. The two main characteristics that stood out were:
1. The feeling of walking on eggshells as not to tread on a subject that would upset her
2. The defense system she had was to bring up a very painful past event and use it like a weapon to defeat me in an argument.
But on the lovely side of mum – she always knew my important celebratory dates and was first to love me then.
Mum was the love I was always searching for. Dad gave it unconditionally.
My mother was the youngest of 3 children, redhead and had an older over-bearing sister. From reading this, mum needed to be noticed and be appreciated. It makes more sense.
I think my elderly mom might have the martyr complex. I was searching online for some ideas on handling an elderly parent who is acting this way. I feel sad that she is trapped in this way of thinking in her golden years. My dad tells me in secret to watch out for her. He tells me there are things about her that he has never talked about. But he can only tell me when she is nowhere nearby. He is the source of all her “misery.” My whole life growing up, even as a young child, she would ramble on and on about how he did her wrong and she wanted a divorce. No child should have to listen to such rants about one of their parents. I always felt sad for my dad and thought nobody loved him. I felt sad for my mom for “being treated so badly” by my dad. But the truth, was a matter of perception. My mom has always believed he mistreated her, when, in reality, she receives the actions of others in an exaggerated way because she believes she is a victim. I never really thought that she was doing this to try and hide her own short-comings. Now, as she is in her 80s I see this behavior exploding out of control everyday. I want to help, I don’t know how. I just wish my parents could live in peace and in their golden years. The feeling of peace, tranquility and the sense that things will be ok…. that there are joys in life to look forward to, that the sun will come out tomorrow. This is peace, which I only wish she could experience. Is there any hope for the elderly martyr?
Thanks for writing this article. I found it very enlightening.
In reading this, i think i am one. I have had ptsd since i was a kid, and figured my strong work ethic was because of my upbringing. I saw more of myself in that article than i wanted to. I sought out bad relationships, and served and served until either we were done, or i couldnt handle the resentment i felt. I have an innocent look, im told by my latest bf, who is also a trauma child, but a very angry, lying, self serving and manipulative man now. Im wondering if the innocent face is one i practiced for years, not realizing it. I always feel like i have to earn my place, so i give money and do constant chores and errands, and a second job on top of the ft one i work with him. I hands down outwork him. To feel like im okay. Like im worthwhile, not a mooch. When we relax, i wish his attention was on me, rather than his phone. See? I am this martyr person.
I randomly read this when someone called my husband a martyr. So I looked it up. After reading all the signs it turns out he is a martyr/ narcissist. After 12 years of trying to not provoke, challenge or defend my own opinions, thinking it was me who had issues because this is the angle he went for. I crumbled and went into a deep depression. My anxiety was through the roof from walking on eggshells around him. Everything he done that was nice was always thrown back at me so I understood that he was providing for me, even though I also worked and contributed, this wasn’t enough because he paid more. I’m glad I confided in a few close friends about the true reality of my relationship because the day I stood up for myself within days he told me he no longer loved me or wanted to be around me. He then told people that I kicked him out, I was to blame because I was controlling, manipulative and and self obsessed. All of which were a deflection of his true colours
glad I came across this article.. the above post is a mirror image of what I’ve been through the last 7yrs..you meet what seems ur soul mate and night in shining amor Mr kind caring generous and sweet..and before you know it your jumping through hoops but never high enough for him! you give them your heart and soul loyalty and love and they some how isolate you from friends watch your every move and you can’t even go to the shops without them calling you a cheat.. I’ve gone from his queen and golden girl to his nasty bitch .. ( hiscwords)everything nice he did for you is now thrown in your face and “im’ the ungrateful one who treats him badly..im told to sleep in the spare room in my own home as punishment walk on eggshells.. told to give up a job because I don’t need to work when all they want to do is brake you so your penniless and reliant on them.
they don’t really like themselves so they take it all out on you. playing the im so innocent card to the outside world and never taking responsibility for the damage and heart ache ‘they” cause..not to mention the drama that comes with them.
why do nice good people find relationships like this? because we’re decent kind genuine everything they arnt but think they are. the red flags are always there in the beginning but we give them to many chances..
Trust your gutt instinct and value your self.. if something feels off it is.
I have a sister and for many many years has made my life at times a living hell, she is a very generous individual but doesn’t let you forget it, she always plays the victim ,she likes to guilt trip me all the time, for example I invite her over for Christmas because she doesn’t have children it’s just her and her husband she declines my invite every year and then a couple of days later I will get a text message saying I’m not buying people presents for Christmas it’s just not special for me any more guilt trip 101 , she is always right, she’s never wrong , other people’s opinions don’t matter you can go shopping with her and somebody will walk past and accidentally bump her and she’ll say the top of her voice how freaking rude of you, or excuse me in a very nasty way, she’s a very difficult person to be around and to be honest with you I’m at my wits end I really don’t know whether I should shut her out of my life , whether I should just fight back it’s all just too hard, there are 4 girls in our family and sadly since our parents past the children have fallen apart
When our father was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago she sent him a text message and it said
I am sorry your sick but I need to tell you that you hurt me as a child , you never accepted me , your physical toward me.
He was devastated as my parents were none of the above. She was an extremely difficult person to live with even as a young teenager and they did what they could to please her. There was just never any pleasing.
She never visited him in the 8 months we cared for him and on the day he passed she sent me a text message asking what happen to him. I was so angry. It did not stop there after his passing she then turned on me accusing me of not including her in the will. She was never removed from the will and no one had any intention of excluding her but for months building up to the sale of the estate she made my life hell and then when she got her money there was nothing. She just wanted life to go back to normal. She made my step sisters life a nightmare accusing her of horrible things and then after a year she ran into her and approached her to say hello. My step sister ignored her and then I got the text message. What is her problem. I have done nothing to her. It’s like past events just don’t happen and she has no accountability for her actions.
Jesus Christ. As someone looking up the anger martyr-withdraw-er dynamic thinking that I’m the angry martyr and wanting to better myself that last line seems a bit much.
If you’re in a relationship with one, run. 🙄
Maybe we can agree that we all have problems and as long as people are willing to try to work on them, we can be empathetic and kind to that.
You’re right. If you’re trying to better yourself, that last line is not about you. Narcissists tend to find faults in everyone else around them, not themselves. Remember: my article is about covert narcissism. It may not be you.
Good luck on your healing journey and thanks for reading! 🙂
Dear you have not been around one. With a parent belonging to the same league I would agree with the author one hundred percent. All those who can afford to run RUN!!
Your comment seems like a gaslight. Because every other article dealing with narcissists advocates for leaving or running. Yet when it comes to covert narcissists who have a victim complex, you resort to downplaying the seriousness of the situation and attempting to equate this conditions with just “problems”. Try again.
I hear you, and that judgement was un called for, we all are complex beings with our own set of challenges and I often find that some disorders get more sympathy and others get attacked and shamed, it’s not cool at all.
How you are is okay, and I choose to remain unknown, but know I care and respect you. Keep on your healing journey and even if people choose to shame or judge you, Keep on going and slowly open up your heart.
Sending love xxx
After reading your description of a covert narcissist with a martyrdom complex, I put my head down and cried. I am 75 and my sister is 79. I have been dealing with this individual my entire life and am completely frustrated and emotionally drained. My mother described my older sister as someone you could never please and someone who you could never correct. No matter how hard you try to get it right for her, she will always find fault with you and anybody else who goes out of their way for her. She plays the sweet, shy, quiet person and loves being the victim. But in reality, she is a manipulative, back-stabber, especially with family members. She admits to not ever feeling a part of the family growing up and never established those emotional bonds you do with family members. She also admits to not being able to cry and truly love someone else. She is not loyal.
And her whole life she pitted me against my other sister, my other sister against me. Her son against me and me against her son. Now she has started doing it with my son. She is never happy. She has had fortunes and gone through them only to file bankruptcy twice in her life. When her son was seriously ill, I begged and pleaded with her to intervene and inform medical staff, but she didn’t and he died several days later at the age of 45. I was furious with her for that and eventually in time my anger came out and I held her accountable. She said it wasn’t her fault he would have died anyways (he had a very bad heart and had gastric bypass). But he was in trouble and she was taking care of him and didn’t intervene. Instead, she scrubbed his floors because they were “filthy”
I had emergent gallbladder surgery due to a blockage from a stone. 7 days later we were moving (we lived together). She was furious with me for having the surgery and insisted I did it on purpose so I didn’t have to help her move. 7 days later I moved all my boxes and loaded them on a rental truck by myself. She never once asked if she could help. She was just mad that I was unable to help her. I have tried to nurture her through several serious illnesses (cancer), but she still thinks I am lacking in some way or another. Every time I have become ill, she seems to get angry and sees it as a negative act towards her. She can’t drive, so I drive her everywhere and she never appreciates it nor gives me compensation for the car. She does give me money occasionally for gas, but never compensates me for milage or maintenance. I have been her chauffer for over 3 years, but yet I don’t get that right either. I am at her place 3 to 4 times a week and ask “do you need anything, do you want to go anywhere”, but yesterday she said I only take her where she wants to go once a month. I was furious and have decided to let this person go. She is probably going to die soon from her cancer, but I cannot continue to see her. I have nothing left. Only a great deal of resentment and anger. I feel completely defeated and deflated as a person with no self-worth.
You have done your best for her. God knows the truth.
oh guys i spent my teens listening to my mom how I was an ungrateful idiot, although I didnt go out, had good grades, I was the personal nanny of my 6 years younger sister. She helped a great deal to ruin my relationship with the father of my kids with unwanted help and shopping and driving me mad, and she can even to this day take things I do out of my hand because she can do it for me.. or comes in my flat and starts to clean or buys my kids every single clothes items for the next 3 years. Then complains about to my dad and sister. (perents divorced btw)
I dont know if I stay on point, but she is defo a covert narc with a huge martyr complex, and I made a huge mistake living away from her for 18years to forget how miserable I get near her in 2 seconds, now planning my last escape.
if we have a very expensive day long flight and an ocean between us, I can handle her.
I can sympathize, Sophie. But you’re right, the distance helps SO much!
Wow – perfectly describes my SIL. She sends a completely inappropriate message to my daughter… doesn’t back off when D politely says I don’t want to discuss… gets upset that I might dare to be angry (since D called me in tears over it and asked her stepdad to please tell her to back off). And on and on it goes. Until she gets me alone, finally, in a walk to discuss – I only agreed because her brother my husband had gone ahead and seemed he had gotten somewhere with explaining the inappropriateness of her behaviour in sending message to my D.
Minutes. Seconds? later, during the walk, she has firmly ensconced herself comfortably and thoroughly at home in the victim role, there to stay. Now this is not my first rodeo with Narcissists. My brother is definitely one, easy to see, the usual type. Out there. But this woman!? Although I knew, both hubby and I knew, instinctively, there was no clean way out with SIL from first phone call with D. Yet, talk about a butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-her-mouth type of gal! Servant extraordinaire! I had no idea she was a Narcissist extraordinaire. The depths she was and is willing to go to be RIGHT is breathtaking. Naturally there can be no ‘forgiveness’. The narcissistic injury is holy apparently.
Because of dealing before, once I had removed myself from the walk, and had the next day myself been the recipient of a message, ‘describing’ me which describes her completely; un-self-aware, jealous, envious, problem with anger (it was a look I gave her 7 years ago, for real), I realized that I had been in the presence of Greatness – in Narcissist World. This is no small potatoes player. I would not be surprised at anything, including a long-time lover on the side. The deception is deep and very, very practised. But I suspect that I am the first to know, she is that good. I could of course be kidding myself.
I am relieved. Yet I feel for her family; hubby tried to play peacemaker last night to CATASTROPHIC response. Much weeping and wailing. All because she must be right, real issue long forgotten. And a dozen relationships are destroyed. Evil.
As a martyr coming out of the shadows the end of the article is pretty martyr sounding to me honestly they are the worst people ever come on like you don’t hav faults and deal with your issues differently if you were abused you wouldn’t being saying that how cruel especially to someone who is reading this and looking to change but I forgive you your doing your best
When I was growing up there did not seem to be much written on narcissism, certainly nothing that I was aware of and my ongoing transformation has taken years and yrs and I am still a work in progress. Although unusual both of my parents were narcissists and only children. My mom was much worse and very toxic. I thought there was something wrong w me for yrs and I knew that the dynamics in my family were way off and did not feel or seem right by any stretch. Although I would love to say I had yrs of therapy I have only had maybe 6 mths of the best social worker in the world a man named Jon Fenwick that set me on a path of self discovery when he suggested I find Alice Miller Drama of the gifted child. That was my start and from there I began reading every self help book I could find. Later I added Looking in the mirror …etc. Now thank goodness there is lots out there. Growing up in the environment I did was difficult to say the least and it affected each and every area of my life in a negative way. I learned from Dyer, Zigler, Louise Hay, Forward, and so many other authors. As the yrs progressed I went and got deeper. I’ve read we choose the life we have, wow I can’t imagine choosing the life I have. My parents are gone but my ending w them both was bad. I told my mom off for the first time when I was around 40 and she never spoke to me again. Of course on her deathbed some months later when I apologized for hurting her feelings and saying some things that maybe I should have not said, she would not forgive me. What a surprise.
These sites are so awesome. It is difficult to know and or always remember how to deal w a narcissist, a martyr, a victim so these short, sweet and to the point articles w bullet points are invaluable. I happened across this site today THANKFULLY because I am dealing w a relative who is a victim and I was attacked by her partner last night for not behaving in the matter my relative expected. This morning I called her and very even voiced said that I did not agree w the attack on me for not doing XYZ and that if there was an issue she should have contacted me vs having her partner scold me. I was very short, sweet to the point – specific, direct and assertive. Her comment was, “Sorry you feel that way and I have to go”, she hung up. So much for open and healthy communication. And the longer I think about all of this it seems to me she is not only a victim but there seems to be a lot of Bully behavior involved as well. I am tired of the P-C transactions. I am not a child and my parents are dead. I only want to take part in A-A relationships and am finally at the point I refuse the TOXIC ones.
Great and valuable site as you can see I followed your suggestions.
Wow, thank you for sharing. My friend from childhood fits this perfectly. She goes to extreme lengths to be everyone’s “go-to” person when they need help and is quite good at it. She also grew up in the same type of family that you described. We just had a falling out because I challenged her on a few things she said to me that were derogatory towards my adult child who’s been struggling with mental illness (saying that it was her fault because of the music she was listening to). When I called her on it, I was expecting her to admit what she said was wrong and apologize. Instead, she doubled down and said I was “falsely accusing” her and that she was extremely offended that I could suggest she would say anything that would contradict her love for my daughter. I was so exasperated from trying to explain why I was offended, I finally gave up. She just couldn’t get the fact that she sometimes says offensive things. After reading your post, it sounds like this would be a typical response a person with this complex would have. Your article has clarified so much for me. Thanks again!
Covert narcissist are cognitive empathy, lairs ,thieves, and Sneaks . It is what it is ,their puke on the ground is in them. CRUEL
Covert narcissist are cognitive empathy, lairs ,thieves, and Sneaks
My mother fits this so well. When I try to tell her how I feel she starts her reply with” No”. Even when I know she’s lying she acts as though I’m picking on her for calling out the lie. She loves doing her act in front of people attempting to make me look like a mean person. And sometimes I feel like a bad person because who wants to admit they don’t like their own mother
Hi Teri,
I think it’s OK. You can not like your mother and still appreciate her role in your life. I believe difficult people, especially those who are in your family, teach us lessons about life and how to be in the world. You’ve already learned so much, since you can see through your mother’s antics. And because you see through her act, you can be conscious of similar behaviors in other people or even in yourself. I know from my personal experience that when you grow up with a difficult or toxic parent, you can subconsciously pick up toxic behaviors or attitudes. So try to treat this as a learning experience and you’ll feel more at peace with the way your mother is because god knows, she won’t change.
Lana
So true. I feel the same and always feel into the trap of getting painted as the mean one in public
How does Goofle seem to find this article worthy of beng on the first page of a Goofle search
It seems that you are deeming any and all martyrs is something that necessarily coinsides with a personality disorder, which seems to be an over generalization — probably brought on by a personal dislike for religion. It happens.
While I am no psychologist, I believe my mother did and does exhibit symptoms of covert narcissism with an extreme martyr complex. She was raised in an abusive environment as far as I know, with my maternal grandparents. From the time I was little, my emotional needs were never really validated, and no matter how “good” I tried to be, I was always branded as “selfish” or an “ingrate” during her emotional outbursts, which often turned violently angry and were coupled with some extreme verbal and physical abuse. To add to the mix, I also inadvertently became a surrogate “spouse” for my mother on an emotional level, as I had to hear stories of the the horrors of her childhood, including about how abusive my maternal grandfather was. Keep in mind I was still expected to have a relationship with this man at the time. He passed away in 2001 and now she remembers him as though he were a perfect saint. Anyone have any thoughts on this situation?