Do you have a toxic friend?
The answer may not be as clear as with other toxic people in your life. Friends have a special place in our hearts, and we tend to forgive them easier than family members.
Still, there might come a time when you can no longer forgive or overlook your friend’s hurtful behavior.
And you begin to realize that maybe a friendship with that person isn’t that different from an abusive romantic relationship.
Here are 16 signs that you have a toxic friend, and how to know when it’s time to let that friendship go.
1. A toxic friend is never happy for you.
Whenever something good happens to you, your friend acts like it’s no big deal, or that it’s actually a bad thing.
Maybe they just have a pessimistic nature. Or they’re jealous, and they’re trying to bring you down to their level.
Either way, that’s toxic behavior that sucks the joy out of you.
2. A toxic friend is never there when you need them.
You’ve helped your friend plenty of times. But when it’s you who needs help, they’re never available.
We all live busy lives, and we can’t be there for our friends every single time, no matter how much we want to.
But toxic friends just never make time for you. And although they always seem to have good excuses, you can feel that it’s bullshit.
3. A toxic friend always has to win.
A little competition between friends is normal — that’s why they call it “friendly competition.” But your friend takes it to the next level.
He or she always has to be better. Whenever they get one over you, they rub it in your face and gloat for days.
And whenever they come up short, they act like it’s the end of the world. They sulk, rant, and lash out to make you feel as if you’ve done something wrong.
4. You feel bad after seeing them.
That’s the most telling sign that most people ignore.
Your gut never lies. Pay attention to how you feel after spending time with your friend. Your emotional state is a clue to the kind of energy you surround yourself with.
Typically, after spending time with someone you like, you feel energized and uplifted.
But if you spend time with someone toxic, you might feel irritable, sad, or tired. Those are indicators that you’ve just had your life force zapped.
5. A toxic friend holds no punches.
Honesty between friends is good. But if your friend habitually berates, belittles, and name-calls you, it crosses over into the verbal abuse territory.
If that’s the case, your friend probably likes to fight “dirty,” too. Whenever you have an argument, he or she gets personal and lashes out with a viciousness of a rabid animal.
Both behaviors are common for toxic individuals.
6. A toxic friend is a “humble bragger.”
You know what I’m talking about. It’s bragging disguised as a complaint or a statement of humility.
Oh, I hate having a big house. So many rooms to clean! You’re lucky you live in a condo.
My job is killing me! Sure, I make a lot of money, but people always expect me to tell them what to do.
Oh, I lost so much weight. I have nothing to wear!
It’s gross and insincere. If your friend “humblebrags,” they probably do other things that are dishonest and manipulative.
7. A toxic friend gaslights you.
Gaslighting is making someone question their perception of reality.
It’s easy to spot a toxic friend when they have a habit of gaslighting you whenever you bring up an issue.
Black is white and up is down in a toxic person’s world.
Say, you tell your friend: Hey, how come you didn’t show up on Sunday? I thought we had the plan to hang out.
Your friend may completely contradict you by saying: We never made a plan to hang out. I told you I was going to be out of town.
Of course, they never told you that. Eventually, you’ll start feeling like you’re taking crazy pills.
Related: Gaslighting in the Family: 7 Ways to Fight Back
8. A toxic friend never apologizes.
They say that love is never having to say “sorry.” But that’s not true.
Both in love and friendship admitting a mistake and taking responsibility for it goes a long way.
But a toxic friend never apologizes because they don’t think they are ever wrong. And if you confront them about it, they’re likely to react with anger or a “poor me” victim act.
They’re always ready with accusations, but deny any responsibility on their part.
That’s emotional abuse.
9. They ditch you whenever their “cool friends” are around.
If your friend abandons you or pretends she doesn’t know you when her other friends are around, she’s not your friend.
Here’s a scenario: you make plans. Then, at the last moment, your friend cancels because her “cool friend” just asked her to hang out.
Or you hang out as a group. Only your close personal friend is acting cold and distant. She seems completely disinterested in you. Instead, she’s laughing it up with her “new friends,” and you feel used and discarded.
10. They act like they’re better than you.
Remember Regina and her posse of “plastics” from “Mean Girls”? If your friend acts like that, you might have a toxic friend. How can you tell?
- If you live in different parts of town, she (or he) always expects you to come to her.
- She talks about herself the whole time you hang out.
- She makes condescending remarks (“These shoes look so comfortable. I wish I didn’t care about what I wear”).
- She’s furious when you’re better than her at something.
- You feel like you have to watch what you say around her.
11. They’re flaky.
We all know a person like that: flaky. Hell, we’ve all been that person. Sometimes we make plans and do not follow through.
But a toxic friend isn’t just occasionally flaky. They’re unreliable. So you feel like you can’t really trust them, or their word.
You never know when they’ll flake and cancel last minute with some lame excuse that always sounds made up.
12. They disappear, then come back and act as if nothing happened.
Some good friendships are like that. You don’t see each other for a while. But when you finally meet up, it feels like no time had passed and you pick up right where you left off.
A time apart from a toxic friend feels more like a punishment.
Like when they decide that you’ve done something wrong, and they stop talking to you. Then, out of nowhere, they reappear and want to be your best friend again.
How can you tell if it’s the silent treatment or if your friend just needs some space?
With the latter, your friend won’t shut you out when you try to talk to them. They may be mad, but they’ll still say something.
With the silent treatment, you’ll receive zero communication. It’s like you’re dead to them.
13. They are not paying attention.
You could be baring your soul to your friend, and they’ll sit there half-listening, making cliche or barely intelligible comments like “Aha,” “Yeah,” “That sucks,” “Well, it is what it is.”
Or you’re spending time together, and they’re constantly checking their phone, texting with other people, or just scrolling through social media.
That’s a personal pet peeve of mine. Either get off your phone or go do that on your own time!
14. They borrow money but don’t pay you back.
Lending money to friends is a bad idea, period. I know so many examples of it ending up in arguments and resentment.
Even if the money is paid back, the friendship can still be ruined in the process.
But if a toxic friend asks you for money, you can be certain that you’re never getting that money back.
It’s almost comical because they’ll keep promising to pay back “next week” or “as soon as I get a job” or “as soon as I pay off those other people.” But they won’t.
They have poor financial boundaries, and they always put their needs first.
15. They talk sh*t about you behind your back.
If you know your friend to gossip or tell you other people’s secrets, he or she is probably doing the same to you.
If you’re not sure, answer these 3 questions.
- Does your friend get particularly excited when you share personal or, perhaps, embarrassing details about yourself?
- Does he or she like to be in everyone’s business?
- Is he or she respectful of other people’s privacy in general?
If you’ve answered “yes, yes, no” then you can be certain that your friend betrays your confidence and gossips about you for amusement.
16. They attract drama.
Toxic people have a fatal attraction to drama. So there’s always something “going down” when they’re around.
Your friend will claim total innocence. He or she may even be genuinely confused about what they did wrong. It doesn’t matter. It’s always something.
Their “drama” usually involves conflicts with other people, exaggerated emotions, and selfish or reckless behavior.
And when you’re around them, you get pulled into their crazy world.
How Should You Deal With a Toxic Friend?
If have a toxic friend, or if your friendship with someone became toxic over time, it’s a tough pill to swallow.
You might want to minimize their negative qualities and focus on all the good times you’ve had together.
And you’re right. They’re not all bad, and you’ve probably had a lot of fun in the past. But right now he or she isn’t a positive presence in your life.
Like any toxic relationship, a toxic friendship can affect your self-esteem, your emotional well-being, and even your other relationships. It’s like cancer that needs to be cut out.
The good news is, unlike toxic family members who are tricky to remove from your life, a toxic friend is someone you can let go of.
It doesn’t mean it will be easy though. Especially if you have a long history together.
It’s hard losing a friend, even a bad one.
It’s hard because you love your friend. And you wish they were different.
I’ve recently let go of an old friend, and I’m still hurting. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let go of her completely. Meaning, forget about her.
But something happened when I made that decision.
I felt like for the first time in a long time that we were friends I was honoring myself. I was saying: I deserve better.
At this point in my life, I don’t want anyone who’s not supportive or not available. I deserve a good friend.
So do you.
Letting go of a toxic friend can bring back your confidence and vitality, and empower you to face other challenges in life.
When you stop accepting shitty treatment and making excuses for people, you become a friend to yourself.
What a Toxic Friend Represents
We’ve discussed some of the signs that describe a toxic friend. We’ve looked at the specific behaviors someone with toxic or narcissistic personality traits can exhibit.
But let us not be fooled by the roles we play, and the masks we wear in this theater we call “life.”
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: on a deeper level, a toxic friend (or any toxic person in your life) represents how you feel about yourself. It’s not about what you say you want.
It’s about what you believe deep down.
So if you keep a toxic friend in your life, you might be afraid to be alone, or believe that you won’t find any new friends.
You might also be hanging on to the memory of the younger you, the memory that the toxic friend is part of.
Or you may just believe that you’re not worthy of being friends with a good person because you’re not a good person.
Whatever it is, changing your beliefs will help you let go of a toxic friend or any toxic person in your life.
Did you ever have to let go of a toxic friend? Share your story below!
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I had to walk away from a ten-year friendship recently, one I once believed would last a lifetime. In recent years, she’d begun bad-mouthing and gossiping about her friends and colleagues to me; it reached a point where that’s all she cared to discuss whenever we FaceTimed (ours was a long-distance friendship). She seldom seemed to care how I was feeling, and whenever it was my turn to speak, I often realized too late that she hadn’t actually been listening to me, but occupying herself with something else in a different tab. My most sacred ambitions just didn’t feel safe with her—she didn’t seem to care at all. In fact, I don’t think she held me or my general competence in high regard. My four-year-old once told her she was “as smart as Mama,” and she laughed and called my daughter “shady.” Of course, matters went far deeper—cut far deeper—than what I have just described. But what does it matter, when at the end of the day, she made me feel more doormat than woman.
I don’t claim to be a perfect friend, but in this case, I think I made the right decision. It hurts terribly, though.
Thank you for providing such insightful information on our fickle species. 🙂
Hi Jo,
it is so difficult to end a friendship! Sometimes more difficult than a romantic relationship. Especially a long-standing friendship. It’s interesting that you say your friend started gossiping lately. My guess is, she always did that but it didn’t bother you too much until recently. I think as we grow as individuals, people we used to connect with no longer “fit,” so we have to find a new caliber of friends. Shedding old, dysfunctional relationships is part of the “growing pains.”
I know it hurts, but if your gut is telling you you made the right decision, I would trust it.
Thank you for sharing!
Sincerely,
Lana
I was looking for professional progressive women. I found a woman, saw red flags and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt (1st problem ).
She got me hooked because she has Lupus. Yep I felt sorry for her (2nd problem). Boy did that cost me time and energy. She made sure that I knew all of her mental, financial and social issues. I started grey rocking, she is so self centered that she didn’t notice.
She was moving so I figured she would become distant and find new people. Nope her move was drama filled, her lupus nose dived, her money was funny, she has men and parental issues.
After spending the time to discuss and come up with short wins she did NONE of them. She had an excuse for everything!
Well I don’t get any joy, I’m not helping so what am I doing but being frustrated. My guilt was her Illnesses, but she alleviated that because she didn’t adhere to any ideas on how to improve.
I wrote her a text (tried to tell her but she made excuses). I told her this relationship was beyond my boundaries. I told her she presented herself differently and if she is not the strong professional got it together woman I’m not interested! She called once, I didn’t answer and boom she is gone.
She was like a frog in water a slow boil to its death. I’ll never do that again because I am aware that as I make new friends I’ve identified my boundaries, likes and dislikes.
She was toxic but when it spilled over to me it was time to safe me no matter what. So what needy people and those with a victim mentality. Someone help but most want an audience and people to do for them.
Hello Good Friend,
Sadly, this is the nature of the world we live in. Everyone is wearing masks and playing roles assigned to us by society. Both men and women feel the pressure to present as strong and successful people while we may be crumbling on the inside.
It sounds like your friend had trouble coping and you became overwhelmed and consumed by her problems and needs. However, the experience was valuable and meaningful because it helped you define your boundaries and what you’re looking for. This means you’re now closer to meeting someone who is truly compatible!
Good luck to you!
Lana
I just happened upon this site while searching for some answers on the subject of narcissistic abuse.
This site and the information you provide is awesome….better than a lot of other sources…very very helpful.
everything resonates.
Thank You.
You’re very welcome and thank you 🙂 So glad you found my work helpful!
Lana
Thank you so much for this article. I re-friended a Toxic friend about 18 mos ago. We had a huge falling out about 9 years ago and I wrote myself a letter of her behaviors to remind myself what I was avoiding. When she wanted back in my life, I read the letter to her and gave her boundaries to be back in my life. She broke every single one of them. She met every single one of the red flags in this article. I was not surprised by her behavior patterns and toxicity returning. When I no longer served her agenda, the patterns increased and worsened. I called her on them each time and reminded her of the consequence. Within a month, she went from calling me her “Most precious best friend” to “boring and bitchy”. During the first time we split, it was totally my choice and I was devastated for months. During this next occurrence, she threatened me with ending the friendship as her best friend, but let me know she wanted to keep me as an acquaintance. I called her on her manipulation and let her know that I wished her well and no longer wanted to continue the friendship. I avoided all words that described toxic, narcissist etc. I named behaviors and reminded her that her continued lack of respect was no longer being tolerated. I had a good cry that night then woke up feeling sore…but at peace. Your article reminded me how much growth I have made over these past years. I am proud of myself and learned so much from this last experience. Most of all I learned I can stand up for myself, without guilt and I deserve to have a GOOD and healthy friendship. Now IM making room in my life to embrace positive souls in my life. Thank You!
That is so inspiring. And yes, you should be proud of yourself! Not only did you let go of a toxic friend, but you also stood up for yourself and confronted them about their behavior. Brava! I’ve been through the process myself and know how painful and confusing it can be. All your issues come up. It’s like a tornado that ravages your insides and you feel sick but you also feel like you can’t continue being friends with that person.
And once they’re gone, there’s room in your life for other, more equal and rewarding friendships. So happy for you!