Dealing with a toxic person is hard enough. Try it when you’re stuck at home unable to leave or limit your contact!
That’s a total nightmare, one that few people are prepared to handle.
The latest quarantine order put all of us through the wringer. With nonstop wall-to-wall pandemic hysteria in the news, financial distress, uncertainty about the future, and an inability to enjoy life’s simple pleasures (like going to the beach or meeting with friends), people report unprecedented levels of depression and anxiety.
If you’re at home with a toxic person who constantly gets on your nerves, you’re under tremendous stress.
You need some ways to handle it before you lose your mind.
In this blog post, we’ll discuss 7 ways to deal with a toxic person when you’re stuck with them. But first — what’s a toxic person?
Examples of Toxic People
What’s a toxic person? There isn’t an exact definition but basically, it’s anyone who is difficult to be around for a long period of time. Here are some examples of toxic people:
- narcissists (better than everyone else and never wrong)
- psychopaths (cruel, manipulative, and abusive)
- Negative Nancys and Debbie Downers (the glass is always half empty)
- compulsive liars (can’t stop lying and cheating)
- gossips (judge others behind their backs and spread rumors)
- meddlers (insert their opinion where it doesn’t belong)
- control freaks (things have to go their way, or else)
- perpetual victims (woe is me, the world is so cruel)
- righteous rageaholics (always angry about something)
- constant critics (condemn small flaws in others, ignore massive ones in themselves)
- gaslighters (deny your reality by distorting facts or lying)
- bullies (target the vulnerable to feel superior)
- attention seekers (always have to be the center of attention)
- paranoids (someone is out to get me, trust no one)
- addicts of any kind (only care about feeding their addiction).
Being around these people for a prolonged period of time can make even the most zen person lose their patience, and become emotionally depleted.
So what can you do to protect yourself from the toxicity that’s seeping through your usual defenses?
7 Ways to Survive When You’re Stuck at Home With a Toxic Person
1. Use physical space whenever possible
If you’re stuck at home with a toxic relative or an abusive partner, you may feel completely trapped. It’s an awful feeling.
But you can still create some physical distance.
- Go to another room, and close the door.
- Go for a walk outside.
- Take your time with your morning or evening bathroom routine to get more alone time.
- Have your meals separately from them, if possible.
- Convert a common area into a private area, if you can.
- Utilize the space you didn’t use before. For example, a garage can be converted into an art studio or an office. It’ll give you the distance when you’re stuck at home with a toxic person, and some room to breathe. Even a walk-in closet will do. Whatever is available!
2. Create an emotional “safe place”
Home is the place that’s supposed to give us a feeling of safety and comfort. So when you have a toxic person in your home — your sanctuary — it feels particularly disturbing. It’s just wrong.
When home can’t be your emotional “safe haven,” create one.
Pick a place in your home where you can be alone, even if for a short while. Come to this place to re-ground yourself whenever you feel attacked or drained by the toxic person.
You can go to that place to say a prayer or read a Bible passage, if you find solace in God.
If you’re more comfortable with non-religious spirituality, sit in meditation, even if for 5-10 minutes a day. Meditation can make a tremendous difference in your day-to-day life. It can calm your mind, soothe anxiety, and make dealing with a toxic person less aggravating.
I like to meditate in the bathroom when I take a bath. I turn off the lights, light a candle, add bubbles and essential oils to the bathwater, and put on soothing meditation music. Then I lock the door. That’s my “safe place.”
But a “safe place” doesn’t have to be a physical place. It can be a space you created in your mind. What’s your ideal place? Is it a sunny beach, with a gentle breeze blowing through your hair?
Or a beautiful meadow in the forest with the birds singing and the aroma of flowers filling the air?
Or maybe it’s a cozy snow-covered cabin in the mountains, with a fireplace and a cup of hot cocoa?
Imagine it vividly, in every detail, engaging all the senses. Go there whenever you feel angry or hurt by a toxic person.
3. Occupy your mind
Living with a toxic person can be easier if you have something *else* to occupy your mind with.
Did you always want to take a writing class, learn another language, or start a blog? Now’s the time!
From personal experience, blogging can give you the voice and the emotional outlet when you’re dealing with a toxic person you can’t cut out of your life.
Emotional abuse leaves deep scars but it can also be a source of empowerment and inspiration to help others. Use it!
Here’s a post about starting an emotional (or narcissistic) abuse recovery blog, and how it can help you cope, heal and grow:
How to Start an Emotional Abuse Recovery Blog: 10-Step Guide for Non-Bloggers
4. De-escalate
While you’re stuck with a toxic person at home, you’re almost guaranteed to have a higher-than-normal level of conflict.
So you’ve got to watch for the warning signs of a verbal or even a physical altercation, and de-escalate immediately.
It doesn’t mean you have to walk on eggshells. Just be careful of how you react to a toxic person, so you’re not adding fuel to an already combustible situation.
Be smart about this. It’s hard to constantly live with the tension. It may be tempting to have a blowout and “let it all hang out.” But you have to exercise self-control, especially if you’re in a potentially abusive or dangerous situation.
Here are a few strategies you can use to de-escalate an explosive situation.
- Change the subject: “Let’s talk about something else.”
- Pay them a compliment. Toxic people crave admiration. Say something nice to them, and it’ll immediately take the conflict level a few notches down: “I love the way you [do something]. Can you teach me sometime?”
- Walk away. Even though you’re stuck with them at home, you can still step away to let things cool down: “I’m going to walk away so we can talk about this later, when you’re calm.”
- Let them have their opinions. You don’t have to prove anything to them. Whatever crazy nonsense they spurt, you just acknowledge it with a neutral comment like “Oh, that’s interesting.” It’ll confuse the hell out of them, and take the emotion out of it.
5. Be a rock
Most toxic people can be defined by their need for power and control. When you’re stuck with them in close quarters, the thing they’re gonna want to control is you.
It can be done with excessive criticism, meddling, judging, blaming, shaming, etc. That’s what emotional abuse is all about: exerting control over another person or persons. Making them feel a certain way.
That’s why a toxic person tries to provoke you by pushing on your “hot buttons.” So if you’re reacting to them, you’re giving them exactly what they want — proof that they have power over you.
So be a rock. I am referring, of course, to the grey rock method used to deal with narcissists. But it works with all kinds of toxic people.
It’s simple: don’t react no matter what they say or do. Be as animated and as interesting as a rock. The idea is that if they can’t get you to react, they’ll eventually leave you alone.
If you want to know about other internal coping strategies for dealing with toxic people, read 4 Clever Mind Hacks For Dealing With Toxic People
6. Stay in touch with your support system
A toxic person may be trying to isolate you so they can have total control and exclusive access to you.
Or they may be gaslighting you into believing that you are the problem, and they are the victim.
If you’re living with a toxic elderly parent, for example, that parent will be playing the pity card quite often, making it seem like you’re attacking a frail, sick, old, defenseless person.
Nothing could be further from the truth. But if you live with them long enough, and you’re isolated enough, you can start doubting yourself and feel like you’re losing your mind.
That’s why you need a strong support system — people who love you, and to who you can vent from time to time. I’m talking about good friends, a loving partner, or a family member, perhaps.
So stay in touch with them, and ask for help when you feel like you really need it.
You can also join support groups online if you don’t have anyone in your life who understands what you’re going through.
7. Know your rights and be safe
Despite your best efforts, the tensions with a toxic person can reach a dangerous point. So have the resources and an escape plan in case things go bad.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you’re in a domestic abuse situation. They are available 24/7 to talk confidentially, and to give you the information you need.
There are also local organizations that provide support for women who have experienced abuse. Here is a list of domestic abuse programs available in your state.
For a full list of resources, refer to the “Resources” section on this website.
I’d like to end this post with a quote:
“Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.” (Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free)
Stay healthy, and stay safe. You will get through this, and you will be stronger and wiser for it.
Much love,
Lana
NEXT
7 Sneaky Tactics Emotionally Abusive People Use to Get Their Way
Why Some Parents Don’t Love Their Children
How to Deal With a Difficult Parent: 6 Strategies to Keep Your Sanity
You know this is a page I keep coming back to a lot. Hopefully you folks won’t mind if I trauma dump here for a bit.
Both of my biological parents are toxic people but one of them is also physically abusive at times (my biological dad). My mom used to be a good person when I was a younger kid, she was a mom any kid would love to have and she actually cared about my problems even if they had nothing to do with hers. But when I went to middle school this changed because I ended up developing depression due to a combination of bullying, loneliness and education related troubles. But whenever I asked her for help, she would then say how every little bad thing is my fault and that I am a lazy bitch who can’t control her emotions and who uses depression as an excuse for not “overcoming my problems like an adult”. Really she could care less about my problems if it has nothing to do with schoolwork, because to her grades are TOTALLY more important than my mental health. I was 11 years old back when she became like this. She expected me to reach out for her for advice only to then use my insecurities that I confided with her about against me (for example, I have never been in a relationship before while my classmates did as early as 13, and during one argument my mom said that nobody will ever marry me because I am such a whiny person with no redeeming qualities). And at one point my mom said that she only loves me CONDITIONALLY and that parents like her need to love their children the same way too. Basically that was her way of saying to 13 year old me “I will only love you and care about you if you are doing things the way I want to and when I want to, and if you step out of line then I will stop loving you and you deserve all the hateful comments that I make.”
I got a medical diagnosis for depression at 18 and even then later on she forced me to say that I have ADHD to my doctor because she thought my anti-depressants made me “less productive at school”.
You know this is bad when ever since I was a pre-teen even when nothing is going on, I feel as if I had done something wrong or that secretly everyone hates me. Recently my college schedule makes me end my classes later in the day and this is a problem because I am in a club with some people who truly care about me and understand me, but they end around the same time my classes are over. Guess what my mom said? When I told her that I miss going to that club she said “Good, your friends sucked anyway. I never liked them.”. Yeah now you’re clearly not even bothering to hide how you are manipulative.
My biggest dream right now is to move out. I hate living here because I feel like I have to become a version of myself that I know I’ll never be just so I won’t be insulted and then expected to “get over it”. But the problem is that due to how the only thing that matters to my mom is my grades, she won’t allow me to get a job in fear that they’ll “slip”. My college counselor only said that I just have to live through it and focus on what makes me happy so I won’t go insane, but now there’s this problem where the things that make me happy (comic books, action figures and j-fashion) get criticized by my mom repeatedly because apparently liking comic books makes me “childish” and that even though I’m 20, I need to “get more mature hobbies because I’ll be 30 soon.”. I don’t care what anyone of my parents say, if my parents don’t love me unconditionally, then I won’t love them unconditionally too.
What makes me feel a little more in control is how I manage to remember everything she says, it lets me know better than to expect full-on kindness from her. She can say that I shouldn’t have that metaphorical book of bad things she did and that “I should forgive her because she is the parent and I am the child.”, well I believe that maybe you should’ve thought twice before making me feel worthless.
Hi Katherine,
I’m so sorry you’re going through a hard time. It sounds like you’re not getting much emotional support at home and you wish to move out as soon as you can to escape the toxic atmosphere. I understand the urgency. I myself moved out around your age to escape my home life too.
How you’re feeling is understandable. And even though your mom may not be very understanding, at least you have an opportunity to see a college counselor and have some support that way. One thing I want to tell you: you don’t owe your parents your forgiveness just because they’re your parents or because “you only have one mother/father.” Forgiveness is a personal choice, and no one can demand or expect it from you.
Give yourself the permission to feel however you feel, but also don’t ruminate for too long on negative feelings or memories. Your mom’s behavior is probably not so much about you but about her own life, fears, and disappointments she experienced. It does sound like she wants you to have a bright future though, otherwise she wouldn’t care about what grades you get or whether you work or not.
About your hobbies…yes, to some people comic books and action figures can seem childish, and that’s ok. Hobbies are things that make us happy. They don’t have to be “mature” or “correct.” It’s just things you enjoy. You may outgrow them, you may not. But if that’s what makes you happy now, go for it! And don’t listen to what anyone says.
I hope things get better.
Wishing you well,
Lana
I have a toxic mother she used to be more physical abusive but now she more emotional abusive. I have ask for help from other adults and they seem to brush it off because she talk them out of it and when I called the cops they said sense it’s only emotional now they can’t do much. Two of my older siblings even said something and about what she’s been doing and nothing I have a year and around 8 months till I can move out. I feel stuck because she’s the reason why I’m always sad and attempted suicide even self harmed because of her and she plays the victim and people believe it. I don’t know how or what to do to survive the year and around eight months with her. She doesn’t even respect boundaries she threats to punch sometimes but never goes through with it. I just don’t know what to do
I have one of these, landlord. she wants everything to be done her way, if you say something she always takes offense and makes it about her, she lies and changes her story everytime. she is never wrong its basically her way or the high way. when my lease ends I’m moving out and she is now making life annoying because I decided I want to leave. I’m paying rent but she still wants access to my room when I’m not around 😒 🙄 this woman is crazy and needy, no man I can’t
I’m having a problem with .my boyfriends Toxic sister.
She lives with us. We all are older adults (Me 63, Him 62 and The Sister 59)
My boyfriend and I have been together going on 4 years. We were in Texas when we met. He wanted to go home so we moved to Ohio we’ve been here 2 years.
He asked his sister to help drive his car to Ohio. I drove my own car to Ohio.
We were given a Mobile home it need quite a bit of work. His Sister saw what we doing to do and at the time she was living with her daughter. Then she started telling my boyfriend how bad she had it at her daughters house, Oh, she gave him a song and dance most everyday about it. He finally said she could stay with us since we had a 2 bedroom.
I knew she drank but I didn’t know she was an alcoholic and a Pill Popper too.
She started wearing me down. With all her Negative comments day after day. Always playing the victim. And boyfriend eats it all up. He doesn’t see or doesn’t want to see what she’s doing. Now that the mobile home is almost done, she’s being disrespectful towards me, always making rude comments, expects me to cook for her. She’ll ask My boyfriend if I’m going to make dinner. She gives him money every week and brings him Hard Cider for him so he will drink. I ignore her as much as possible. She won’t talk to my boyfriend if I’m in the room. She’ll text him from another room or outside. She wants me to leave and go back to Texas.
My Boyfriend and I get along just fine, We laugh a lot we watch the same TV shows.
Then she gets home from work and you can cut the tension with a knife.
She starts to drink, smoke weed and takes pills.
I would like to talk to her but she’s never in her right mind, to have a Mature conversation about this situation. She has been trying to convince my boyfriend to get rid of me.
I’m in desperate need of help.
I need some advice
Please Help.
Thank You
Im 18. Still living with toxic mom. shes absolutely controlling and toxic. She thinks about herself and has alot of trust issues with me. Things got so bad, every time i hang out with my guy friend, she comes with us. She has all my emails and passwords. She looks through my phone and i turn in my phone at night. She has passwords for Netflix and Disney plus. She expects good grades, which i have, yet she still doesn’t really acknowledge it??? I recently got a bf and we only see each other in school for a little while, so we call in nights… but guess what, she also doesn’t like that so she cuts me off every night with him. Im so fed up, and she acts like the victim all the time. She never apologizes when she gets caught for starting drama. Its 9:56 pm right now and im about to turn my phone in again. She is also very critical with me. every time i share my feelings, she neglects them and its painful. I have no power over her and i dont have privacy or boundaries. This yeari will turn 19, and i have nowhere to go. I almost tried killing myself many times and i ran away once, but she called the cops on me and played victim. so the cops believed her statement. She argues for the smallest things, i want her respect, privacy and she needs to stop being controlling because im very very miserable right now, i wish i lived on my own. she yells alot, and every time shes angry, she takes it out on me. Every time i try to defend myself, she grounds me, and takes my phone away for i wont contact for help. Im hopeless right now.
relax, you need to be smart and play your cards right. don’t be stupid and try to hurt yourself. You need to start planning your escape. You need to move out without anyone knowing, in a flash. You have a bf start planning with him, you guys can get a studio, and easily split rent. Save up or get a couple k’s (depends where you live), get your papers (passport, dl) make a checklist so you don’t forget anything. When your mom is at work or away, just make the move then.
She will realize her mistake only after you move out. Otherwise this will continue.
Ohh damn hell, I’m exact in same situation and sometimes more worst…. If I will describe what she doing and saying it will take so long maybe hours.
Living with her it means slow way to death,
living with her means have to transfer from human to a perfect robot.
Living with her means the sleeping time can be one of the best times because on that time finally ends the suffering at least temporary for some hours.
Have you asked her why she demands perfection from you, yet does not do the same from herself? Maybe she is subconsciously reflecting her upbringing that her parents did to her and so on and so forth? I would also ask Mei the same questions to Mei as well. I cannot stand tyrants that pretend to be parents, let alone people, in their lives, but even animals tend to behave better than them most of the time, so categorizing them as animals would honestly be an insult to the animals.
I have a toxic mother as well she goes for more of mental abuse than physical although when I was younger she was physical. I tried calling the cops but they said sense it’s not physical they can’t do anything about it. Even two of my older already moved out siblings told the cop about what I was talking about and still the cops didn’t do anything. I have a year and around 8 months before I hit eighteen. I have tried to kill myself and ran away before..
I find this interesting.. Because my mom is the difficult parent. She’s consistently making me feel like a failure… And yet I know she loves me but still. I’ve made it a point that it worsens my depression.
You’d think someone who used to be a family therapist with a decent psychology background would understand that “hmm while she may have an attitude and such, maybe I shouldn’t constantly make my autistic kid feel like she’s not doing things correctly.” No instead it’s “naaaah I’m constantly doing things for other people! You’re just incredibly selfish and refuse to do what you need to! I always have to get on your ass”
For the record she always escalates in the worst way. It’s gradual but constantly repeating herself. And she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it.
Hi Marly,
I understand. It’s true that when it comes to their own children, even the most enlightened and educated people can have enormous blind spots… Maybe her training is even a disadvantage in this situation because she believes she is so trained and educated and she knows everything. It makes it difficult to see things from your perspective.
Here is what I would do…I would escalate to such a point that it would scare her straight. When she is reminded of her behavior, regardless of whether you catch it on some sort of audio, and/or video, format, and then you present it to her, and, if possible, the authorities, then you can get her to straighten up or you can use that as evidence in the trial for self-defense that you may, unfortunately, have to take in your life.
My narcissistic mother is thrilled the Lockdown is over because she can invite my psychopathic sister home. I moved back home before the pandemic because my mother begged me. She needed me to help her with paperwork and all the things my father used to do for her. It cost me my career. I am now unemployed and broke. If I didn’t pay her for my room at home she would tell everybody I’m living off her. Looking for a live-in job so I can move out.
Go to work for yourself and invest, invest, invest! Also, make sure that your investments are done correctly as well, and, in no time, you will be permanently rid of them all in your life.
I have one of these, landlord. she wants everything to be done her way, if you say something she always takes offense and makes it about her, she lies and changes her story everytime. she is never wrong its basically her way or the high way. when my lease ends I’m moving out and she is now making life annoying because I decided I want to leave. I’m paying rent but she still wants access to my room when I’m not around 😒 🙄 this woman is crazy and needy, no man I can’t
My grandmother is extremely toxic, and I have been living with her and caring for her for about a year. She gaslights, tries to control and got in my face the other day and almost hit me – but denies it all and laughs at me and acts like I am crazy. She also has addiction issues she refuses to acknowledge. I would leave but I can’t at the moment and I am trying to stay to myself and be boring and quiet as possible. She literally will not leave me alone and she is extremely passive aggressive and demanding. She also likes to call the police on people and play the victim. I am scared for myself and my children, she is truly mentally unhinged and I pray for her.
I need help with my toxic son ,who drinks and can’t control it ,very loving one minute ,then cooks fried stuff when he’s drunk ,leaves it in oven , because I’ve hidden frying pan,and chip pan ,he is going to kill us all one day ,I’ve thrown him out many times and he comes bk ,middle of the night banging on door ,pleading with my heartstrings,so I let him in then he kicks off ,again the amount of times the police have been round in 12months alone unbelievable,please help to get him out permanently
Lynne,
it sounds like he will continue coming back since you keep letting him back in. You are the one who has to stop the cycle and say: no more. Get a restraining order if you need to. You certainly have enough police reports to justify it.
Sincerely,
Lana