Family estrangement is shameful.

You have to stick with your family no matter what.

Blood is thicker than water.

Those are the typical things people say (or think) when they hear about cutting ties with a close relative.

But estrangement from a family member is surprisingly common, and it’s becoming less of a taboo discussion subject.

Nowadays there is a growing understanding that abuse is not OK and that when a relationship becomes toxic, it’s better to end it.

In this post we will delve deeper into the causes of family estrangement, and why (in certain circumstances) it’s OK to cut ties with family.

Let’s start with the definition.

What is Family Estrangement?

Family estrangement is the cessation of all contact with a family member due to irreconcilable differences and disagreements.

Typically, it implies estrangement from a close family member, such as a parent, a sibling, or a child.

When adult children initiate estrangement from one or both parents, it’s called parental estrangement.

When parents initiate estrangement from their child, it’s called disownment.

What Causes Family Estrangement?

According to a recent study, the most common reason for adult children to become estranged from their parents is emotional abuse (a pattern of control through criticism, guilt, humiliation, etc).

For parents estranged from their children, the number one reason is different values and belief systems. For example, a religious father might distance himself from his daughter if she abandons religious practices, behaves in a way that’s inconsistent with his beliefs, and/or marries a person of a different faith.

Divorce is another contributing factor. When parents separate on bad terms, the children often become estranged from one of the parents.

Whatever the specific reasons behind family estrangement, it’s typically a gradual process rather than a sudden disconnect. Years of conflict and tension precede the eventual estrangement.

When Your Family Environment is Toxic

Isn’t it interesting how every family seems to have that one person who causes conflicts and has no boundaries?

Having a toxic family member isn’t all that rare. It could be an obnoxious uncle, a manipulative mother, an annoying cousin, or maybe a toxic mother-in-law.

What’s rare is when a whole family recognizes the “troublemaker” and stands up to them.

Typically, it’s the opposite. A toxic family member will skillfully manipulate everyone by playing the victim, bullying, controlling, gaslighting, etc.

So the victims are left to fend for themselves. They have a choice: they can either tolerate the abuser or cut ties and risk being ostracized by the entire family.

This choice can be difficult and even agonizing, especially when the toxic relative you’re dealing with is your parent.

Estrangement From Parents

Regardless of the circumstances, there’s nothing more painful than to find yourself in a position where the relationship with your parent(s) is impossible.

Children are attached to their caregivers — even when the parents fail to love and care for them the way any good parent should. So if a child grows up and chooses to sever ties with mom or dad, it’s usually because they’ve reached their pain limit.

There’s only so much you can take from someone before you say: No more!

As previously mentioned, continued emotional abuse is the most common reason for parental estrangement.

Another one is difficult childhood histories. All parents make mistakes. But toxic parenting leaves deep emotional wounds most people struggle with their whole lives.

It’s not easy to forgive your parents for the abuse and move on as if nothing happened. But that’s exactly what they expect you to do! They act as if they’ve done nothing wrong and you’re crazy for suggesting otherwise.

When a parent refuses to take responsibility for the pain they’ve caused, it has a devastating effect on the adult child. It’s like experiencing that childhood trauma all over again.

This failure to acknowledge and apologize is the reason why most adult children of toxic parents are unable to process the pain and move on.

What’s worse is when the abuse is ongoing and you don’t feel safe around your parent.

If that’s the case, discontinuing a relationship with them is not only an option, it’s a matter of self-preservation.

Estrangement From Siblings

Estrangement from a sibling (or siblings) is typically a result of

• a painful divorce where children are separated
• irreconcilable disagreements
• resentment over unequal responsibilities
• or a toxic family environment

For example, parental favoritism often pits the siblings against one another, initiating a bitter childhood rivalry that lasts well into adulthood.

This is a well-known dynamic in families where one or both parents have narcissistic features.

A narcissistic parent will choose one child as the perfect reflection of themselves (“golden child“), while the other one will be forced into a role of a “scapegoat” who embodies all the negative, undesired parts of the narcissist.

Another reason for sibling estrangement is money. If a parent left unequal inheritances to their children, it will surely cause resentment and, possibly, estrangement.

Then there are caregiving responsibilities. If one sibling “abandons” the family to pursue their dreams while the other one stays behind and takes care of the aging parent(s), it can cause an estrangement between the siblings.

How Do You Fix Family Estrangement?

Estrangement doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a long and torturous path paved with tears, doubt, and agony.

For that reason, there’s no easy and quick fix for family estrangement. if it took a long time to get there, it’s going to take a long time to come back.

Besides, oftentimes people can’t even agree on what happened. Disputes about who said what and who should apologize to whom can go on for years.

So there’s no one version of the events everyone agrees on, exacerbated by other family members chiming in with their opinions and further mudding the water.

However, fixing family estrangement is possible if both sides are open to reconciliation and willing to confront the deeper reasons behind the alienation.

Whether you’re estranged from your parent, child, or sibling, consulting a mental health professional can help.

Try to find a psychologist or an MFT (marriage and family therapist) who specializes in difficult family mediation. Then see if your estranged family member will be willing to sit down with you and the therapist to try to mend the relationship.

Moving on From Family Estrangement

Family estrangement can cause extreme stress. You’ve experienced a loss similar to death. And even if the relationship was painful and exhausting, expect that you will go through a period of grieving.

So it’s important to practice patience, self-compassion, and self-care.

Good self-care includes healthy eating habits, exercising, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that you enjoy.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, is making sure that you don’t bury yourself under a ton of guilt, blame, resentment, or anger.

Remember: you are not a bad person for choosing estrangement. It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you or that you failed.

In fact, estrangement can be an act of courage, empowerment, and liberation.

However, the absence of that person will hurt, and some days will be worse than others. You will miss your family member, especially when something good happens to you — like getting married or getting a promotion at work. You’ll wish you could share it with them.

It’s natural. We’re wired to be connected to our family, and we crave praise and unconditional acceptance from them. But when a loving, supportive relationship with a family member is impossible, it may be time to move on.

If you do decide to cut ties with someone close to you, try not to ruminate about the past or wonder about the future. Let go of anger or guilt. Instead, redirect that energy into creating the best life for yourself and your family.

Getting away from an abusive relative takes a lot of strength, so you should be very proud of yourself!

Reconciliation may or may not happen in the future. But right now, the best thing you can do is accept the situation and move on.

Because when you close the door to people who can’t be loving and kind to you, you open the door to those who can.

References

Conti, R.P. (2015). Family Estrangement: Establishing a Prevalence Rate. Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Science. December 2015, Vol. 3, No. 2, pp. 28-35.

Jack, C. (2020). The Shame and Guilt of Family Estrangement. Retrieved from Psychology Today.

Family Estrangement: Advice and Information for Adult Children. Retrieved from Stand Alone.

How Do You Handle Being Estranged from Family? Retrieved from Goop.