Is your manipulative parent guilt-tripping you?

You’re not alone. Inducing guilt, or “guilt-tripping” is a common tactic used by manipulative people everywhere.

But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s harmless. In fact, over time guilt can seriously erode your mental and physical health.

Yet manipulative parents are oblivious to the harm they cause. To them, guilt-tripping is an easy shortcut to getting their way.

So how can you protect yourself from your parent’s emotionally abusive tactics and reduce the feelings of guilt?

Before we discuss the specific guilt coping strategies, we have to understand what guilt is and why it has such a powerful grip on us.

What is Guilt?

Guilt is an intense emotional reaction to a perceived failure to live up to one’s values or standards.

What’s interesting about guilt is that it’s not a “natural” feeling like anger or sadness. We have to learn guilt.

Psychologists say that children start feeling guilty between the ages of four and six, which is also the time when our value system starts to develop.

All parents use a little bit of guilt from time to time to affect their child’s behavior. For example, a mother might say to her child: “It hurts my feelings when you speak to me this way. You don’t want me to be sad, do you?”

But some parents use guilt as the primary mode of communication. They manipulate their kids in a way that creates toxic guilt.

Healthy Guilt Vs. Toxic Guilt

All guilt is not created equal. There is a difference between healthy (or adaptive) guilt and toxic (or maladaptive) guilt.

Healthy guilt is when your conscience tells you you’ve done something wrong.

For example, you got mad and said some harsh words to your spouse. The feeling of guilt tells you to acknowledge and rectify your behavior so that your relationship doesn’t suffer.

Toxic guilt is when other people manipulate you with guilt or put their emotional baggage on you.

For example, your mother expects you to come to dinner on Sunday, and you aren’t able to make it. She then calls and berates you for being a bad daughter (son) and a selfish person who doesn’t care about family. You feel guilty, even though you had a good reason not to come.

How to Deal With a Manipulative Parent Who’s Guilt Tripping You

Are you still with me? Good.

Now that we understand what guilt is and why it’s so darn hard to let go of, it’s time to address the question asked at the beginning of this post: how can you protect yourself from the poisonous effects of guilt and limit your parent’s influence on you?

First, let me tell you: I know how you feel. I know what it’s like to constantly be poked with guilt while dealing with a dismissive, controlling, and selfish parent.

It just never stops! Sometimes you just feel like: is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I just ignore their guilt-tripping? Even though I know it’s false and unfair, why do I still feel guilty?

You’re not alone. A lot of people are dealing with guilt-tripping parents, trust me. I read these stories all the time.

And it’s not your fault. Unfortunately, children are wired to care about what their parents think or say, even when they state otherwise.

Still, there is something you can do. Here is a 3-step approach to dealing with guilt from a manipulative parent:

• Identify the type of guilt you’re feeling
• Reframe your beliefs
• Release the guilt

1. Identify Which Type of Guilt You’re Feeling

Earlier we discussed healthy vs. toxic guilt. It’s very easy to tell the difference between them.

Every time you feel guilty, ask yourself: is it healthy guilt or toxic guilt? Am I feeling guilty because I’ve done something wrong or because someone wants me to feel this way?

Most of the time, the answer to that question will be clear. 

When you recognize the guilt you’re feeling is toxic, REJECT that guilt. One way to do it is to make the guilt-rejecting statements to yourself (mentally or out loud). For example:

• I reject the guilt my parents are putting on me.
• I am not responsible for their unhappiness or their problems.
• It’s their choice to feel angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
• I am not guilty of what shouldn’t have been my responsibility in the first place.

But recognizing and verbally rejecting guilt is rarely enough. You need to dig deeper and change your automatic guilt responses. How do you do that? The same way you change anything else in your life: by changing your beliefs.

The one thing you have to realize in order to let go of guilt imposed by a manipulative parent is: guilt is a mindset.

It’s not an objective reality; it’s what you choose to believe.

So in order to let go of guilt, you have to change your beliefs.

To do that, you first have to identify your beliefs.

The shocking truth is, most people go through their whole lives without ever questioning or confronting their beliefs. They live on “autopilot,” blindly emulating what they were taught.

That’s why psychological and spiritual growth is essentially a process of unlearning.

So how do you unearth irrational or outdated beliefs that rule your life and keep you chained to perpetual guilt?

You do it with a little something called cognitive restructuring.

2. The Technique to Reframe and Let Go of Guilt

Cognitive restructuring is a technique that comes from the cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) school of thought. CBT basically says that the way you think determines the way you feel. So if you change how you think, you’ll change how you feel.

Here is a cognitive exercise to help you identify and restructure your beliefs.

For example, you’re dealing with a lot of guilt. You’d like to not be crushed by guilt. Here’s what you do.

Take a piece of paper and write out all the reasons why you feel guilty. For example, I feel guilty because…

… they’re my parents and good sons/daughters don’t cut ties with their parents
… they’ve done so much for me
… the Bible says…etc.

Come up with at least 5 of those statements. You can write as many as you can come up with, but identify at least 5.

Then, next to each of those statements, come up with at least one counter-statement. CONTRADICT the belief that’s fueling your guilt.

It may be hard at first because you’re not used to contradicting your deep-held beliefs. But you CAN do it because ALL THESE GUILT BELIEFS ARE FALSE.

These beliefs are ANCHORS for your guilt. Find different anchors.

For example,

• Cutting ties with my parents doesn’t make me a bad son. It makes me someone who’s not willing to tolerate emotional abuse. It also makes me a good husband and father because I’m protecting my family, etc.
• All parents do a lot for their children. It’s the nature of parenthood. I don’t owe them because they’ve raised me. I’m doing the same for my children.

Every time you feel guilty, remember the statement that contradicts that feeling. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

Now, keep in mind that this technique is not a magic fix. It will probably take some time before your heart catches up to your head.

Continue repeating and reinforcing your new beliefs until they become second nature.

3. Visualization to Release Toxic Guilt From a Parent

This next technique has to do with releasing guilt from your body.

Turn off your devices. Sit or lie comfortably on the bed. Breathe in on a count of 4, pause, then breathe out on a count of 8. Breathe like that for a few minutes or until you feel completely relaxed.

Then think about your parent. What do they make you feel guilty about? Think about that.

Now imagine your parent giving you a backpack full of stones. It’s so heavy, you can barely pick it up. Yet they give it to you and tell you to put it on and carry it without ever taking it off.

(That’s what guilt-tripping really is: giving you an unbearably heavy burden to carry.)

Now open the backpack and look at all those stones. Each one represents a “guilt message.” Try to identify what those stones are. What are the typical things your parents make you feel guilty about?

Now imagine holding a shining crystal sword in your hand. Pick up a stone, throw it in the air, and strike it with your sword, as if you were striking a baseball with a bat.

As your crystal sword touches the stone, it breaks it into a million pieces, and the pieces then turn to dust.

Think about the guilt message when you’re about to strike the stone. Then hit it with all your might! Put some force into it. Then see it break and disappear. Try to envision it in every detail. How does it feel?

Keep doing it until you destroy every “stone” they’ve given you and your backpack is empty.

Then thank your parents for the valuable lesson, wish them healing, and slowly open your eyes.

I know it sounds weird, but visualizations work incredibly well with this sort of stuff. Just try it.

Final Thoughts on a Manipulative Parent Guilt Tripping You

It’s frustrating and hurtful when your parents habitually make you feel guilty whenever you don’t dance to their tune. This is not the behavior of a loving family.

You know that.

But you have to see it as a learning process. You are learning to have emotional boundaries, which will make you stronger and wiser in the long run. It will also help you protect your resources if your parent is an emotional vampire who uses guilt to drain your emotional energy.

During this process, I want you to remember a few things:

• You’ve done absolutely NOTHING wrong.
• Just because you’re the child, doesn’t mean it’s your job to be the family fixer and take on the blame.
• Just because your parents raised you doesn’t mean they’re entitled to emotionally abuse you.
• You owe it to yourself and your immediate family to create distance or boundaries with your abusive family of origin.
• You’re doing the best you can in your circumstances.

There are many ways of dealing with guilt. But what it all comes down to is how you respond to it on the inside. Do you accept the guilt or do you reject it?

When dealing with guilt-tripping parents, keep these simple rules in mind:

• Reject any toxic guilt your parents are throwing your way
• Keep them at a distance
• When they are around, have strong boundaries for them
• Take a break from them if they’re not respecting your boundaries or wishes
• Spend more time with your immediate family or good friends who you can lean on for support

Here’s the thing: you’re a good person. Guilt only works on good people. Research shows that guilt-prone people are more trustworthy, proactive, and empathetic.

Guilt means that you have a conscience and you care. That’s why your parents are able to manipulate you with guilt.

So try to have more patience and compassion for yourself.

Start seeing yourself in a more positive light and associating with people who appreciate you for the wonderful person that you are.

If you commit to loving and honoring yourself, eventually your parent’s guilt trips won’t have the same effect on you.

References

Day, M.V., Bobocel, D.R. (2013). The Weight of a Guilty Conscience: Subjective Body Weight as an Embodiment of Guilt. PLoS ONE 8(7): e69546. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0069546

Holloway, J. D. (2005, November). Guilt can do good. Monitor on Psychology, 36(10). http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/guilt

Levine, E. E., Bitterly, T. B., Cohen, T. R., & Schweitzer, M. E. (2018). Who is trustworthy? Predicting trustworthy intentions and behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(3), 468–494. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000136

Tignor, S., Colvin, C. (2019). The meaning of guilt: Reconciling the past to inform the future. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 116(6), Jun, 2019. pp. 989-1010.

Signs of Guilt. Retrieved from WebMD.

NEXT

Moving Away From Family: How to Handle the Guilt Trips

Toxic Parenting: 9 Ways to Avoid Repeating Your Parent’s Mistakes

Family Estrangement: How to Move on From Cutting Toxic Family Ties