Are you moving away from family and can’t handle the guilt?
Are your parents going out of their way to make you feel like you’re the worst person on earth?
I know your pain.
My husband and I are planning to move to another state.
We’ve lived in California most of our lives, and we are content here. There is no big pressing reason to move, like a job relocation. We just started to realize that moving may be a smart idea.
Even as we’ll lose familiar comforts and social circles, we’ll gain a better future for ourselves and our families. We’ll be able to buy a house, put our child into a good school, save more money, and as a result, travel more.
Seems reasonable, right? Not so fast.
My husband has a large extended family here in California, including his parents. My father-in-law was supportive but the mother-in-law is a whole other story. (I’ve written extensively about this woman; for example, in this toxic mother-in-law post.)
As soon as she heard of our plans, she started dropping passive-aggressive comments about the importance of a family staying together, “family is everything,” etc.
At first, we tried to plead our case. We explained our reasons for moving and assured her that we will visit often. “It’s only a 3-hour flight!”
But no matter what we said, she seemed unmoved and unimpressed.
The comments continued. Then they got worse. She was now implying that we’re abandoning her in her old age (she’s in her 60s, healthy as a horse).
If you, too, are dealing with family members who make you feel guilty for moving away, you can relate to this story. So what can you do to handle the “well-meaning” guilt trips being sent your way?
We will deal with it in a minute. First, let’s consider why family members are guilt-tripping you for moving away.
Reasons Why Family May Guilt Trip You For Moving Away
There may be many reasons why your family, especially your difficult parent, is hell-bent on crushing you with guilt for relocating. Here are some of them.
- They may be afraid of being alone. It’s particularly true if your parent is widowed, divorced, or has a strained relationship with their spouse.
- They rely on you to fulfill their social and emotional needs. You know it to be true if you’re the first person they call when they’re upset.
- You and your parent are in a codependent relationship with one another. Physical distance threatens and undermines that relationship.
- They may be sad about not seeing their grandchildren grow up close to them or losing a connection to them.
- They are too selfish to consider your needs. Even though moving may be the best thing for you, they stubbornly refuse to support you because it doesn’t align with their needs.
- They need physical or financial assistance. Or they’re afraid that you’re not going to be there when they’re in need.
- Your moving away contradicts their plan for how your life should go.
- They have control issues. You “cutting the cord” and moving on with your life threaten them and make them feel like they’re losing their grip on you.
What Guilt Tripping About Moving Away Sounds Like
- You never call or visit.
- You’re abandoning the family.
- You’re taking away my grandchildren.
- You only have one mother (father).
- You left me, just like everybody else.
- No one’s here to hand me a glass of water when I’m sick.
- How could you do this to me?
- You’re being selfish.
- I won’t be around forever, you know.
- You don’t even care about me.
- Children can be so ungrateful.
- When are you coming back home?
- You have nothing there. Come back home.
- Your kids don’t even know who I am.
- You’re missing out on so much.
- It’s like you’re not a part of the family anymore.
- I cry myself to sleep every night.
- I hope your children don’t abandon you in your old age.
- That’s the thanks I get for all the sacrifices I’ve made for you.
How to Handle the Guilt Trips About Moving Away From Family
Moving away from family is difficult enough. You’re leaving the familiar behind and venturing into uncharted waters.
But when family members give you grief for relocating, it becomes an exhausting and agonizing process that can make you want to band your head against the wall.
The guilt can be so severe that you may end up giving up on your plans in order to make your family happy.
In doing so, you may win temporary approval, but you’ll lose a piece of yourself.
Not to mention, you’ll always wonder what could have been if you pursued your path instead of giving in to your parents’ emotional manipulation.
So what can you do to save yourself from regret and resentment?
Accept the Doubt
No matter how right it feels to move away, there will still be times when you’ll question your decision or even regret it. Those times will come and go; don’t panic if you experience some ambiguity.
It’s normal. It shall pass and you’ll feel thankful again that you moved away from family despite all the spiteful, manipulative, guilt-tripping comments.
Remember Your Reason(s)
Every time you feel a wave of guilt coming on, mentally (or physically) list all the reasons why you moved away. Here’s my list:
- better schools
- easy access to parks and playgrounds
- a house with a backyard
- a possibility to have a pet
- lower cost of living
- new adventure
- being exposed to a different culture/people
- a more central location that makes it easier to travel
- freedom that comes from having a distance from overbearing family members.
That last reason alone is worth the move.
Be Brave
Remember: it’s your life. No one has a right to make you feel “bad” and “selfish” for following your own path and choosing what’s best for you and your (immediate) family.
Your parents (or other relatives) may have a hard time loosening their control of you. Or they can’t see past their own needs and desires.
Let them be.
No matter how they choose to behave, be brave and do the thing you’re so afraid to do: disappoint them. There’s great freedom that comes after you no longer care about being a disappointment.
Consider the Alternative
Say you give into the guilt and stay (or come back). What’s likely to happen?
First, you will probably always wonder “what if.” Because it’s the things you don’t do that you regret the most.
Second, you won’t be truly happy because you’ll feel like you’ve given up something that could have been wonderful.
Third, regret and unhappiness will probably cause you to resent the person(s) who made you stay.
Because physical closeness doesn’t equal emotional closeness.
My mom and I are thousands of miles apart, yet I feel as close to her as ever. My husband and his mother live next door to each other, yet their relationship is cold and distant.
Recognize the Abuse
Some sadness about your leaving is normal. Family members may be reluctant to embrace your relocation because they want you around and they’re going to miss you.
But if someone is using every opportunity to make you feel guilty for moving away, telling you terrible and untrue things, playing the victim, etc. — it’s a form of emotional abuse.
This is often the case when you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent. The parent is unable or unwilling to acknowledge the child’s needs. So any sign of independence or self-determination is seen as the child’s selfishness and a deliberate desire to hurt the parent.
Moving away from such a parent is probably in your best interest.
You’re Not Alone
Many families are in the same boat as you.
And even though it feels like you’re alone with this terrible guilt, you are not.
Some people live in the same place their whole lives. There’s nothing wrong with that (if that’s what they want).
Others are more adventurous. They choose to leave the nest, seeking a place of their own, or a place that would offer them opportunities for growth.
There’s nothing wrong with that either. It doesn’t make you selfish. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your family. On the contrary, the fact that you feel guilty is proof that you care.
But don’t let that guilt guide you.
Guilt is a poor navigational system because it leads you down the path of complacency and mediocrity.
Which path do you want to follow?
NEXT
Toxic Parenting: 9 Ways to Avoid Repeating Your Parent’s Mistakes
Family Estrangement: How to Move on From Cutting Ties With a Relative
My mother moved away 20yrs ago when my brother and I were grown. 7 years ago I moved to another state for a job and better life with my now grown son and fiancé. My mother resented the fact that I didn’t move to the same state she lives in. Every since then she throws little subtle hints about how I was supposed to move to where she is. She has not been to visit me, but goes back home to visit my brother and his kids every single summer for at least a month. She says she’s not coming to visit me because we (my fiancé and I) only have a one bedroom apartment. My son has a studio and she shouldn’t have to stay in a hotel. She calls me with a guilt trip about almost every month. I work in healthcare which is stressful enough mentally and physically, and because I don’t call her every day or every other day, or because I’m not all chipper every time we talk, God forbid if I tell her I’m tired she gets an attitude. And if I don’t answer the phone when she calls there’s either a snotty voicemail or she doesn’t answer when I call her back. My son is grown, and she still calls to tell me what I should be doing for him, and what I’m not doing enough of, because she knows better. It’s draining, I’ve gotten anxiety from it, it’s affecting my health and work just from the guilt/wrath of knowing if I don’t answer or say what she wants to hear she’ll tell me how much I hurt her feelings and how mean I am! and just seeing her name pop up when she calls triggers my anxiety. I’m at a loss for what to do. Am I wrong for avoiding her calls??
Hi Gtf,
you’re not wrong for wanting to avoid her calls, but do you think avoiding her calls will make her stop calling you or start respecting your boundaries?
Your mother shows a very clear lack of empathy and concern for you. It may seem like such a simple thing for most people – empathy – but for people like your mother, it’s almost an impossibility because she hasn’t matured to that point where she can relate to you as a separate, individual being.
That’s more, even though you’re an adult and you don’t live anywhere near each other, your mother still controls you, at least emotionally. However, no one has a right to control you, unless you grant them the permission to. Maybe it’s time to revoke the permission?
You can be a daughter who cares but also someone who doesn’t allow herself to be controlled or emotionally manipulated. Communicate how you want to be treated, and if it’s not respected, it’s completely OK to take a break from that relationship. That way you’re not avoiding, but rather making a conscious choice to disengage.
I Know it’s not easy!! But that’s the only way to deal with this, other than going no contact entirely. Read “Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People” by Gibson to help you get to a better place.
Sincerely,
Lana
I propose another alternative solution. Bring them with you. The benefit of family is very important for your children and your aging parents. Mostly it is helpful to stay physically close to each other because friends move away, friends have falling out all the time, and for aging parents their friends will die, BUT family is forever. It is very important that you move to be more financially secure, but some things in life are more important then money. Ask me how I know… after all but one sibling has moved far enough away that a day road trip to help is not possible-we are now helping with two dementia parents, and one recovering from cancer. The financial means is not there for them and they are old enough that friends are not able to help with things like health issues and making decisions about care, preventing scammers from stealing from them, driving because license were taken away, managing caregivers, oh the list goes on. But the benefits means my children have loving doting grandparents in their lives, we have family to celebrate milestones and holidays together, we had help with child care when they were younger. We have connection and community emotional support when we are struggling as parents. We also have peace of mind because the aging parents are having a better quality of life because of us. And we know they are receiving good care, and can stay in their homes longer. I feel like it’s hard to understand the scope of aging parents needs until it’s much too late. Prepare and plan to be around as the aging parents get older. Move them with you.
Perfect timing on finding this article. My husband and I just told his parents we have made the decision to move out of state and the guilt trips and emotional blackmail has been stunning. This has been a dream of mine for over a decade, something we’ve been seriously considering for 2 years, and the timing seems to be now. My husband was always hesitant for a variety of reasons, but how his parents would handle it was always a big concern. I now get why.
I also understand their sadness and anger, we live down the street and they’ve been able to see their grands grow up. But over the last few years, their bubble has shrunk, they depend on us for social time (which is sweet but not healthy) and they mainly plop the kids in front of the tv when they watch them. I’m fairly close with them, but I’ve been battling severe mental health issues on/off that they almost seem annoyed with. We are moving for several reasons (climate, the kids, new lifestyle, lower taxes, lower mortgage) but the big reason is to help my mental health. When we told them they started slinging all sorts of guilt arrows, including saying we were going to permanently damage our kids (ages 8 and almost 11) and that we are severing strong family bonds. We explained strong family bonds do not require proximity and we will continue to stay connected. but they don’t care. They don’t like confronting their issues and a big ssue is they are change and risk averse, and their fear comes from fear of loss, abandonment, having to change from their routine and facing their mortality. Ironically, my FIL is a psychologist, and all the way we’re handling this is ways he’s told me to handle negativity from others, including my own mother. But he’s too close to the situation to see his hypocrisy. I want to tell him, “if you had a client who wanted to move, but was afraid of hurting his parents would you say his parents feelings were more important than taking care of his own life and family?” OR “if you had a client come in and say they were heartbroken over their adult son wanting to move out of state, and was pushing him to stay in any way possible, would you encourage that behavior?” We know the answers to those scenarios…
And also ironically, the emotional guilt tripping is damaging the relationship and “strong family bonds” we have before we have even left.
So …they want us to stay, so let’s say we appease, stay and then have regret and resentment? How would that effect family ties? As Dr. Phil would say, “how’s that working for you?”
I pray they can come around, but if not we have to let it go and press on.
This is an exciting, but nerve wracking decision, and their support would be helpful, but at the end of the day we have to do what is best for our family. So I will continue to focus on the good reasons we are doing this, the positive support, and how my in-laws handle it is on them. We will be loving and welcoming but firm, and they get to choose if they want to continue to be negative and resentful, or understanding and respectful. Thank you again for this helpful article.
Wow! guess you don’t publish comments that don’t agree with your narrative. Typical behavior for those who like to label others instead of seeking to be compassionate.
Hi Sally,
I do apologize for the delay in publishing your comments. I’ve been in bed with a fever for the last few days and simply didn’t get around to it. I assure you, I approve all comments, regardless of the point of view, except for the ones that are offensive, inappropriate, or verbally abusive. You can see it for yourself if you look through the website.
Thanks for reading,
Lana
What a bunch of crap. Because someone is going to miss someone who is moving away they are labelled as abusive. Well, if you want to put labels … it could be turned around and you could call the one who is moving away selfish, insensitive, uncompassionate, etc. Parents are simply saying we are sad that we won’t get to see you and have you be close to spend time with on a regular basis. This is NORMAL. What’s NOT normal is to label it abuse. Instead, this article would have been better off trying to help individuals be more compassionate with people who may be hurting over the loss of them moving away. Hope those individuals reading this do not suffer a loss … and if they do someone doesn’t try to label them!
You are an abusive parent. Accept it.
I am so glad I stumbled on this post! I just had a HUGE fight with my widowed mom yesterday about the fact my husband and I are considering moving (and taking away her only grandchild.) She completely sees it as “me choosing his family over mine.” Because we will be closer to his family. She has always created a huge competition in her head with his parents and she said I have officially decided to be with them and not my own family. She made me feel completely selfish and said “I don’t see the whole picture.” She even told me my list of reasons to move was “complete bullshit.” I’m going to keep rereading your post and I’m so thankful I found this insight. I know I’m not in the wrong!!
About two years ago we moved to the beach… I retired and my wife and I both had an opportunity for continued employment in Charleston SC. My parents are in their late 80s and the guilt trip has not stopped since we left. Mind you we are literally an hour and a half away from them, and go back to our hometown all of the time. It’s really getting annoying that every time we go to visit them for any reason all they want to talk about is when we are moving back and how they can’t believe we left them.
My wife’s family is not quite as bad with the guilt trips, they just do it more subtlety.
The truth of the matter is that it’s getting to the point that I don’t want to even go back there because I’m tired of listening to it. I’m almost 50 years old, retired from government service, and still get treated like a kid that abandoned them.
I am dealing with this from both ends. I have parents in one state and children/grandchildren in another. My hubby and I currently live in a nearby state to our children/grandchildren but it is still a 4-5 hr drive in each direction. We have talked about moving near our children/grandchildren, but we do not like the state. We would prefer to move somewhere else to settle down and make it our last move but still feel like we need to move near family.
My parents are getting older and dealing with some pretty degenerative diseases and could use our help. But each time I visit, it is so tiring and overwhelming that I can physically feel my body breaking down. I do NOT blame them for this. This is something no one could have foreseen or wished for. I feel guilty for not being there. They were always there for me and have done so much to help others.
Then there are the kids/grandkids. I want to spend time with my grandchildren. They are precious and mean so much to me. But as they are getting older, they are involved in school and sports and our time together is limited.
My husband says we need to live our lives and go where we want to go. I get it but I wish I could have it all … my parents nearby, my kids and grandkids nearby, and live in an area we love.
What saddens me about this article is the tone that the parents are horrible for wishing their kids would stay nearby. You will not understand this until you have grandchildren and as you get older, need help from your children.
We used to live in a world where families lived nearby and took care of each other. The new culture is to call the other party ‘toxic’ if they do not support our/your ideas 100%. We are all selfish to a point. But is it wrong to want to be near your kids/grandkids? Is it wrong to want the security of family nearby as you age?
The grandparent/grandchild relationship is so important but is no longer valued. Why would any parent not want to see their child getting love and attention from their grandparents? I LOVED seeing my kids spend time with their grandparents. It is a special bond.
It’s not always easy moving away from family but can we not just acknowledge that and validate the hurt feelings of the parties being left behind, instead of calling them toxic, selfish, etc? Maybe everyone could sit down together and come up with a plan so no one feels abandoned. Decide on a travel schedule to see each other, schedule weekly FaceTime calls, and stick to it.
You should live your life and do what is best for your family but remember, your parents are family too and it doesn’t take that much effort to show you care.
Wishing you all the best in your life endeavors. Stay well and love each other.
Thanks a lot for writing this article.
I currently live in Sacramento, CA. I was born and raised in Florida. My father abandoned us when I was 4 years old. My mother had a tough time raising me and my bother. We lived in a mostly retirement area. I was extremely lonely as a child. There were not many kids around so, I had very few friends. By the time high school started I had zero friends. My mom spent a lot of time talking to her friends on the phone about her problems, or trying to find a man to swoop in and save the day (that didn’t happen). I felt very neglected. No one ever talked to me about what I could do as an adult or expressed any interest about what life would be like after graduating high school. The concept of college or a career was never mentioned. I didn’t even know those things existed.
I realized in high school I had to leave to start a life somewhere else. I knew it would be my only chance of not being miserable my entire life. I was in ROTC, so I got the idea of joining the air force. I started the process of signing up with my recruiter. I didn’t really want to be in the military, but I didn’t know what else to do. I actually told my mom that I didn’t want to enlist. Her response was “oh no, you have to go”. There was no thought or logic to her response, but that was what she told me, so I left.
I joined the military in 1999 which brought me to California. I began my new life here. For many years my mom was supportive. But, over time the guilt trips began. She makes lots of comments about how I should live closer, and always makes not so subtle hints about how I should move away. It really bothers me. Now I on the verge of a new career in entertainment design, which is primarily in
California. Honestly, sometimes I feel like she wants me to fail in life, so I will have to put my tail between my legs and move back to where I began. It’s almost like she doesn’t understand that I am 40 years old and wants me to go back to being a kid again. It kind of makes me feel sick when she seems to have no understanding that I am an adult male and not a small child.
I wish there was a way for me to get her to understand my situation, but she does not have much capacity for logic. So I feel that she will never understand. It’s a sad situation that doesn’t seem to have a solution. If I moved back after being gone for 23, with no friends and no opportunities, I would surely be miserable. If I stay away, I will go my whole life without ever having a real relationship with my mom (or any other family member). I do my best to accept life as it is, but it is still painful. Thanks again for the article.
–Alex
I realized
This article and hearing your experience has helped me a great deal.
Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 2.5 years but live 5.5 hours away and it’s awful. I’ve talked to my parent about moving and all I get is “why are you doing this?” And “it’s a little too soon” along with “your just thinking about yourself”. I’m not, I just hate the not being able to hug or hold hands with my girlfriend, you know the little stuff.
Finally after the argument and the guilt trips I sat my parent down and said “I AM moving” along with some compromising, which seem fair.
But I still get guilt trips even now but I ignore them, what else am I meant to do? Can I have some advice please?
My husband and I moved out of CA with our son and our family was disappointed, but supportive. I was actually shocked by how supportive they were. There were a few passive-aggressive comments about how much our son (who was 3) would “miss his friends”. I assured them he would forget about his friends shortly, which was true. He asked about them twice and that was that.
Now we are considering yet another move, even farther away. I’ve been met by family with absolute silence. They are usually very opinionated. I feel like it’s worse than them disapproving. I hate feeling the silence and wondering what they’re thinking. I think it’s their way of being supportive – but it really sucks.
My husband’s job requires us to move around. This next move will be the last one for a long time. Wish I could have some support though. Instead of “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”, I wish my family would follow “If you can’t say something nice, get over yourself and say something nice anyway. “
I needed this. Currently in an argument with my mom because of these issues. I moved away from home (2 hr plane ride, 17 hr drive) 4 years ago. She guilt tripped me occasionally but it was never a big issue until I had her first grandchild 8 months ago. Now it’s constant guilt trips. I asked her to visit this past week to help out and now it’s time for her to go and she’s choosing to turn her sadness into anger and is being emotionally abusive, controlling and narcissistic. She has always been this way, which is a reason it was so easy for me to choose to leave home. I do occasionally feel bad about moving and not giving her the typical grandparent role/experience. But she makes it so much worse and makes me feel absolutely horrible about myself and the life I’ve built here.
HI I am thinking about moving out of state
and worried about crushing my parents’ hearts
because I have two babies now. The truth is though
they aren’t really ” there” as much as they could be
and we are close now. I feel like moving away will
be me chasing a dream my husband and I have had
for a long time. better schools, better housing, less
expensive. we want an adventure, but I stick
around because my family is here. but we all have our
own lives. Its confusing as hell. thanks for the message
this has been so helpful. I do believe I need to
carve my own path and do something different
I am scared, but maybe its just what I need
to do for my kids, show them I faced my fears and
they can too.
Hi Sarah,
this is your decision, of course. And it sounds like you already made it in your heart. Now you’re dealing with the doubts and fears that are the result of this decision. From my personal experience, moving away from the family and pursuing our own path has been the right move. It’s been over 6 months now and everything worked out just fine. Making the move was scary, I admit, but once it was done, everything fell into place. The family isn’t happy about it but they got used to it. Life goes on. You can’t pause yours to avoid displeasing someone. Even if it’s your parents.
Lana
I am having this problem with my mom but it’s the opposite. We all lived in MD until I got engaged and I moved to VA with my fiancé (an hour drive from my parents). My sister decided to move to Florida and my parents decided they wanted to retire in Florida too (they are in early 60s). Now I am getting a lot of heat for not moving to Florida as well. It’s been 2.5 years and I have two kids (toddler and a 9 month old) and for the last year they keep trying to get me to move to Florida. Now it’s guilt trips from my mom and sister. My mom saying she to old to travel. (She lives with my sister) and she wants to see her grandkids more, so I should be able to uproot my life and move to Florida for her.
my sister says I’m selfish.
I even told them I’ll look into vacation condos when I visit. We see each other five times a year and I even let the kids stay for a week over Christmas break.
We also can’t do long term stays because she so bossy and hates how I do everything.
Hi Ashleigh,
I get how hard this is, especially when you’re being pressured by multiple relatives. All I can say is — you’re not doing anything wrong, and you’re not being selfish. It’s not selfish to want to have your own life and have some distance from your controlling parents. It’s also not selfish to want to protect yourself from their abuse (yes, constant criticism is emotional abuse, even though it is often seen as benign). You said it yourself, you can’t do long term because it’s hard to tolerate it. Stand by what you feel is right.
Sincerely,
Lana
Hi,
My husband and I have lived in the same place all our lives and have talked about moving someplace less stressfull and laid back in our retirement. We decide to move across the country by our son (NC) but our daughter(CA) has pretty much stopped talking to us. She feels that we are choosing him over her. We were always close before this move came into play. I am feeling so sad and guilty for doing this and that she feels that way.. What do I do stay to make her happy or move and hope she will come around?
Hi Denise,
you know, usually, children move away from parents and the parent will make them feel guilty about that. This is the first time I’m hearing of the opposite situation!
I would say, give her time. I’m not sure why she’s reacting so strongly. Perhaps, growing up she felt like your son was the favorite of the family and now this move is triggering her. There’s nothing you can say or do other than reassure her that you love her and will miss her dearly, and she is welcome to visit any time. She should come around eventually.
Thank you so much for this. I have moved from America to Germany. The guilt I get is, “I am so proud of you, but I want you to live here”. It’s so painful and makes me cry. I have created my list of reasons for moving and things to remember. So helpful!
I could use some perspective here. I’m 5 years divorced, 59 yr old male, 19 yr old son (in college) and 14 yr old daughter (sophomore in HS). My son is away at college most of the time. He lives with me during beaks etc. My daughter lives with her mom, in the same town, most of the time but spends a few days with me every couple of weeks. I’m emotionally close to both kids. My girlfriend and I are planning to move out of the state in 6 months or so. I’m not too worried about my son – he will be fine, but my daughter is much more tender and younger. I’m looking for talking points and ways to help her through this transition. She knows, and I tell her often, that I love her and that wherever I live will always be her home as well and that she can visit me during breaks, etc., and that I will also come back and visit her. But she’s a teenage girl and struggling with this. I’m simply not giving up my life for the few days every couple of weeks that I may see her over the next year until she goes away to school but that would be way too harsh to say to her and she’s not capable of understanding that without taking it personally. Other than simply listening to her, letting her work through her feelings and letting her know that I will always love her and she will always be welcome and we will still be in contact both electronically and physically when possible – what else can I do or say?
I loved this read! Thank you so much for posting. My husband and I are in the process of making a big move next year (about 5 hours away from my family and 7 from his). We’ve discussed moving away in the past with our families and it has not gone over well. But every year we come back to the same “are we going to live here all of our lives?” discussion since we were both born here and feel stuck. I now feel like I’m better equipped to handle any guilt trips that come our way. And besides, we are so excited for the new adventure; and I think sometimes distance can be what family-relationships need to strengthen. Thanks again!
You are so welcome Mackenzie! I am excited for you and your new adventure! I am in the same boat so I totally understand the mixture of emotions that you experience. A change can be scary but that’s the only way to move forward. Besides, as you said, for some families distance can be a good thing!
Lana
Wow, am I glad that I stumbled on your article after a long day of questioning my decision to move across country from my parents. My father is often telling me how I don’t care about them because I moved our 6 kids (& his only grandkids) away. He reminds me that there will be no one to take care of them when they need it frequently as well. They had always been controlling & I think they were shocked to see us take such drastic steps. The guilt has me constantly questioning if we made the right decision, even though we are very happy with our new lives. Thanks for providing me with the encouragement that we aren’t selfish for wanting a different way of life than our parents.
I found this article at just the right time. I turned down some amazing scholarships because of the guikt trips my parents (mostly my mom) gave me. My life has never felt like I kived it for me but for her and her plans. I just got an amazing opportunity to live somewhere beautiful and a job that will pay so much more. But when I told my parents you’d think I killed someone.my now im being blamed for my fathers health declining and my aunts are telling me she is heartbroken because of this. I have been sobbing for days instead of being able to enjoy this momentous occasion and I just. Dont know what to do. But yay. Dream job. In dream city. With health insurance! And retirement! And bonuses! I should be happy, right?
Hi GratefulGal,
gotta love serendipity 🙂
It does sound like this is an amazing opportunity. I don’t think I would have had the heart to turn something like that down. Because I’d know for sure that I’d live to regret it. Not only that, I’d grow to resent the people who made me turn it down. So eventually, all my love for them would turn to dust.
Does that answer your question?
Do you want to be on your deathbed, long after your parents and aunts and uncles are gone, consumed with regret over the things you didn’t dare to do?
I know it’s hard and you care about your parents deeply. But they’ve lived their lives. When is it your turn to live yours?
Sincerely,
Lana