If you have a narcissistic parent, you probably grew up with your parent’s lies and delusions. You were systematically gaslighted, devalued, and dismissed until you lost any sense of what’s true and what’s not.
It’s time to set the record straight. Here are the most common lies narcissistic parents tell their children, and what the truth is.
1. I’m not good enough
Narcissists have a way of putting you down in order to feel better about themselves. That includes their children.
Good parents delight in their child’s talents or accomplishments. A narcissistic parent feels jealous and threatened by them. So they chip away at your self-esteem, letting you know that you’re not good enough.
The truth: You are better than good enough. You are a unique, compassionate, talented, kind, and intelligent person. Your parent’s judgment is not a reflection of your true self.
2. My needs don’t matter
Growing up with a narcissistic parent, you quickly learn that only the parent’s needs matter. And those needs are so enormous that there’s simply no room for anyone else’s.
Now that you’re an adult, you find it difficult to assert your needs, or even identify them.
The truth: your needs are just as important as other people’s. No one can tell you what you need. Only you can decide that.
3. I’m unloveable
Along with “I’m not good enough” comes “I’m not loveable.” Or rather, one is the consequence of the other: since I’m not good enough, I’m not loveable.
That’s a heinous lie so many people believe! Even those who didn’t grow up with a narcissist.
The truth: you are worthy of pure, sincere, unconditional, deep love.
4. Mother (or father) knows best
That’s what narcissistic parents want you to believe, and they’re dead wrong. There are lots of things they can’t understand, know or even fathom.
The narcissist lives in a tiny black-and-white universe. Their perception of reality is extremely limited and immature. Plus, the nature of their personality disorder prevents them from seeing things clearly.
The truth: you have your own needs, thoughts, aspirations, and desires. No one knows better than you what’s inside your heart. When you make decisions for yourself, they are better aligned with who you are.
5. I always make mistakes
The narcissistic parent wants to decide your whole life for you. And when you start making independent decisions, they turn on you and criticize your every move.
To a narcissistic parent who needs to be in control, your whole life is a mistake! So they assign you the role of the family “scapegoat.” Again, that’s very deliberate.
The truth: there are no mistakes when you follow your own path. Every step is a learning opportunity. The only mistake is following someone else’s path.
6. I can never measure up to others
A narcissistic parent’s favorite pastime is comparing their child to other (“better”) children. Their comparisons can be very hurtful, especially when you’re young. But to a parent, it’s like a sport. They’re oblivious to the pain they’re causing.
The habit of comparing oneself to others is relatively common in our society. We all do it, especially on social media where this behavior is magnified and encouraged.
As a result of unfavorable or “upward” social comparison, we are constantly bombarded with the message that we don’t measure up to our peers.
The truth: no one should be compared to anyone else. You can only compare yourself to the previous version of yourself. Are you better off now than you were a year, 5 years, or 10 years ago? Then you’re winning.
7. I am the source of my parent’s suffering
Your parent would have you believe that by choosing
- the career
- the spouse
- the religious affiliation
- or anything else they didn’t approve of
you’re breaking their heart.
If they are a covert narcissist, they may also be playing the martyr and making you responsible for all their life’s disappointments. For example, “I couldn’t have been a famous actress if I didn’t have you.”
The truth: the source of your parent’s suffering is within them. You’re not responsible for it. And it’s beyond absurd to blame a child for being born.
8. I am selfish (lazy, weak, etc.)
This message goes hand in hand with “You’re not good enough.”
Children of narcissistic parents often develop deep feelings of shame because of the emotional abuse they’ve experienced.
Shame is one of the most destructive emotions that underlies many psychological and psychosomatic disorders.
Here’s why: shame is negative feelings about who you are (as opposed to guilt, which is negative feelings about what you’ve done).
It’s like saying: deep down, I’m a rotten no-good person, and nothing can change that.
The truth: you are a good person. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
9. I’ll never amount to anything
Narcissistic parents have a way of shattering their children’s self-esteem into a thousand pieces, and then marveling at what a mess their children are.
Some particularly vicious types will literally tell their children over and over again that they will never amount to anything.
The truth: when you set your mind on something, you can accomplish any goal you choose. Success is determined only by your willingness to put in an effort.
10. If my parent doesn’t approve of what I do, it’s not valuable
This is typical narcissistic behavior: setting impossible or high standards, then acting disappointed when you don’t want to or are unable to meet them.
I’ve seen it a million times. The mother wants the child to become a doctor. The child chooses a different career. Even if it’s an equally noble and respectable profession, the mother acts disappointed and hurt.
The truth: anything you do is worthwhile if you do it with passion, and/or it helps people.
11. If I don’t give my parent what they want, they’ll stop loving me
Narcissistic parents are masters of conditional love. As long as you do what they say and reflect positively on them, they love you.
The second you step out of line – they withdraw their approval and affection. Then they’ll use the silent treatment and other manipulative tactics at their disposal to bully you into submission.
The truth: a parent shouldn’t dangle their love like a carrot in front of a mule. Healthy parental love is unconditional. It accepts, supports, and forgives all.
12. I must compete for my parent’s love
This is a common dynamic in families where one or both parents are narcissistic. The children are treated unequally.
So the loved child (“the golden child“) must comply with the parent in all matters to maintain their status, and the unloved child (“the scapegoat“) must bend over backward to “earn” a spot in their parent’s heart.
That puts the children in competition with one another, vying for the parent’s love and validation.
When the setup isn’t working anymore, the narcissist will switch up the roles.
The truth: as long as you continue to compete with your siblings for your parent’s love, they control you.
13. My parent sacrificed so much for me. I owe them
All parents sacrifice for their children. But narcissistic parents see their parental duties as particularly burdensome and extraordinary.
They often exaggerate what they’ve done for their children and underplay all the ways they’ve failed as a parent.
As a result, you probably grew up believing that your parent’s enormous sacrifice puts you in their eternal debt.
The truth: Sacrifice is embedded in parenthood. You don’t owe your parents for being a parent or for giving you life.
14. I must act in a way that is worthy of my mother (father)
Narcissists have a sense of superiority about them. However, it’s a fragile construct that needs constant reinforcement. For that reason, a narcissistic parent needs their child to act in a way that’s bolstering their ego.
From a young age, you were probably placated by messages that your conduct reflects directly on your mother or father. So if you misbehaved or disobeyed your parent, you would hear things like: “You’ve embarrassed me!” or “I’m ashamed of you.”
As a result, you’ve learned that whatever you do, it must align with your parent’s self-aggrandized image.
The truth: using your parent’s judgment as a measuring stick for your life keeps you confused and disempowered. The only person you need to please is yourself.
15. I must worship my parent, or I’m a bad daughter (son)
Narcissistic parents require not only love and respect from their children, but also total admiration. They want to be seen as godlike figures that can do no wrong.
And children often do see their parents this way, even when the parent is mistreating them. “No matter how toxic your parents might be, you still have a need to deify them,” says Susan Forward in “Toxic Parents.”
The truth: no parent is perfect. Seeing them as real people and not Gods from Mount Olympus doesn’t make you bad. It means that you grew out of your childish need for all-powerful all-wise parental authority figures.
16. I deserved to be treated this way
Many children of narcissistic parents believe they deserved to be abused or mistreated by their parents. As mind-boggling as it is, this is how a child’s brain works.
“If my parents are treating me badly, I must be bad.”
Even if on some level you understand that their behavior was wrong, you still try to justify it and minimize your suffering. Because, in a way, it’s less painful to blame yourself than to accept the fact that your parent hurt you so badly.
The truth: nobody deserves to be abused. My parent’s actions are a reflection of who they are, not who I am.
17. I should never make my true feelings known, or I’ll be rejected
When you grow up with a narcissistic parent, especially if it’s a mother, the natural parent-child dynamic is distorted.
Instead of reflecting and attending to her child’s emotions and needs, a narcissistic mother demands that the child reflects and attends to her needs.
And when the child attempts a degree of honesty that threatens the parent’s ego, they are scolded and rejected.
For example, the child says: “I don’t really like those pants you got me for Christmas. The kids make fun of me.” The parent might respond with: “You are so ungrateful! I’ve worked hard to earn the money to buy you those pants. My parents never got me anything this nice. So stop your crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
The truth: your thoughts and feelings are valid. Even if someone doesn’t like them, it doesn’t mean that you’re wrong for feeling this way.
18. I have to be the best and the brightest, or I’m nothing
Narcissists think in extremes. There are no shades: only black and white. So their child can either be the most beautiful, smart, talented, polite, obedient child in the world — or garbage.
Growing up, you probably felt like you had to “earn” your parent’s love or convince them of your worth. To do that, you had to be the best of the best.
It wasn’t enough to be good. It wasn’t acceptable to come in second place. You had to be numero uno, or you’re nothing.
And since children strive to please their parents, you tried your hardest. Maybe you’re still trying.
The truth: your worth doesn’t depend on external factors. True self-worth and self-esteem come from within.
19. If someone likes me, it’s because they don’t know the real me
Children of narcissistic parents often feel that there’s something wrong with them. They feel defective, like a broken toy that just won’t work the way it’s supposed to.
When these children grow up, they feel like they have to hide their true selves for fear of being rejected. That’s because deep down, they’re convinced that no one can truly love them. People can either pretend or be fooled for a while.
So adult children of narcissistic parents often have serious commitment issues and hop from one partner to the next, looking for love and security but never allowing themselves to get too close.
The truth: it’s safe to show your true self to other people. It’s the only way to build genuine, stable, satisfying relationships.
20. I always mess everything up
A narcissistic parent has an insatiable need for adoration and perfection. In their mind, they build these fantasies of how the world should be, and that includes their children.
The children especially carry the burden of fulfilling the parent’s fantasy or risk soul-crushing disapproval, rejection, and disappointment.
But no matter how hard the child tries, they always seem to fall short of the parent’s grandiose expectations.
So the child’s self-esteem starts taking major hits, and eventually, they develop what psychologists call “learned helplessness.” In other words, they feel like they can’t do anything right.
The truth: you are a capable and intelligent person. Failures and mistakes are part of life. You can’t avoid them, but you can learn from them.
21. I must be perfect, or my parent was right about me
Children of narcissists often live in their parent’s shadow. Even when they have children of their own or when their parent is deceased, they can still hear their mother’s or father’s voice in their head, telling them they’re no good.
So they develop the need to be perfect.
This idea of perfection (which often manifests as obsessive-compulsive behaviors) is their way of triumphing over the emotionally abusive parent.
But in that quest to be perfect they lose sight of who they truly are, not to mention happiness and peace of mind.
The truth: Perfection is an illusion. No matter how perfect or imperfect you are, you accept yourself.
Dealing with the lies told by your narcissistic parent
When you are a child, your parents are like Gods to you. They are all-powerful, all-knowing creatures that gave you life itself. Without them, you’d wither and die.
Narcissistic parents are quick to capitalize on that childlike reverence. They usurp and abuse their power, trying to mold their children into their version of “perfect” — whether it’s a perfect little “audience” for mommy or a perfect over-achiever for daddy.
They do it by telling lies — big and small. If you dig deep into your upbringing, you’ll be able to identify them, and the number would probably be way over 21.
Narcissistic parents are successful in getting children to believe their lies because kids indiscriminately absorb everything the parents say — both verbally and nonverbally.
Many — if not all — of these messages are hurtful and emotionally damaging. And you’re probably still believing them, whether consciously or subconsciously.
So your job as an adult is to uncover those lies your narcissistic parent told you, and replace them with the truth.
I’ve offered you some suggestions on what the true statements might be. You can use those, or you can write your own. The main thing is, you’re changing the damaging and incorrect beliefs your parent instilled in you.
You can even start a notebook where you write down all the lies your parent told you. Then next to them write down what the truth is, as you see it.
Do it every time a thought pops into your head that you believe comes from your parent’s conditioning.
It’s work — real emotional work. But if you do it consistently, you’ll start noticing small changes in yourself. You’ll feel more confident, more at peace, and happier in general. Then those small changes will start getting bigger.
And finally, you’ll no longer live in your parent’s shadow, or hear their voice in your head.
What lies did your narcissistic parent tell you?
I have read many posts like this since I discovered a few years ago that my mother was Narcissistic – a surprise for me, because I always thought her problem was Paranoia. Not that the disorders can’t co-exist. She really exposed herself at the end of our contact though, complete with childlike meltdowns, silent treatment, slamming the telephone down on me, smearing me to family, and removing me as executor of her will (which was in place for 30 years).
I am a senior citizen, and went through a lifetime of problems that I have learned are common to Scapegoated children. Luckily, things got better for me over the years, which I believe threatened her. I am happily married, retired, financially comfortable, all of which I believe she tried to sabotage throughout my life. Shortly before our last contact, she proclaimed that my wife “stole my mind,” which I interpreted as her realizing that a lifetime of her manipulation wasn’t working any more. The irony is that my younger Golden brother, totally loyal to his mommy, married down after mommy planted the seed in his mind that his wife #2 was sleeping with her boss. For reasons that I can’t understand, he also declined the good paying police job that I tried to hand him, I suspect that was mommy’s doing, also. So now he’s in his 60’s working crummy jobs.
It took me most of my life to put the pieces of this together. I don’t think brother ever will.
Thank you for this guide. It’s heartbreaking seeing how the lies abusers spread can end up defining how one sees themselves for the rest of their lives. I believe in all 21 lies. I had lost the will to ever be happy, and forced myself into jobs that I was not excited by because I felt like I had no hope. Those are the words echoed to me. One day I am a survivor and amazing the next I am seen as worthless for not being able to pay for the family, and for having work experience they deem as ‘useless’.
I now see that my biggest supporters are also my biggest haters too. They say I abuse and split them into good/evil but no, I see them as people that can be very nice but also very mean if they want to. It’s a shame that people choose to be this way.
I have just begun the process of realizing that I have a narcissist mother and an enabler father. I suffer from and have all the symptoms of narcissistic abuse. It has shaken me to the core. I am 41 years old and I wish I had recognized my situation much earlier. It is all I have ever known and it became so normal to me that I didn’t even question it. The earliest memories I have are being in constant fear. I didn’t realize what caused it and believed it was my fault. In elementary school one of my teachers recognized I was struggling with something and tried her best to help. I was so enmeshed in the abuse that I couldn’t understand what was wrong and I couldn’t explain it. Years later I feel guilty and think I should have gotten more help. I feel like my life could have been so much better. The constant anxiety in my childhood and early adulthood led to depression and substance abuse. I’m taking steps to understand my situation more and beginning the healing process. I truly hope it isn’t too late. It’s hard not to feel like my life has been wasted. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Ryan- I deeply feel and relate to your pain and suffering. I, too, was a late onset bloomer 2 understanding. I’ve been wearing rose colored shades for far too long. I only realized the people I have protected and idolized (bc was groomed to), in my mid-30s. ive suffered in many the same ways with my mental health and substance. Physical health often suffers as well alone from stress. you are not alone and deserve a beautiful future and life ahead. You have always been charming, intelligent, able-bodied, had a deeper soul, and your hobbies are wonderful ♡
I’m old (45), and turns out I had been on both sides of the spectrum here, I had been the golden boy growing up under my incredible manipulative mother, when on my teens I realize all this, the damage was done, my self confidence was on the floor, I had endured physical, psychological and spiritual abuse on so many ways that just remembering make me anxious; anyways, on my teens I had enough and become the big bad boy on the family, at some point I realize if I was about to be mistreated and physically abused I may as well do whatever I like, the outcome it was going to be the same anyways.
From then on, I was the rebel, and even if I was doing whatever I feel was right for me, alcohol was my way to push me trough when the fierce guilt come to hunt me, God gracious I did not try anything else but I was so close to so many other things and ingest so much alcohol on those few years doing so many stupid things trying to prove myself that I was worthy that is a miracle that I still alive.
I moved out of the country on my mid twenties, and keep my mother at safe distance prior that, after so many years she had to come a live with me, she needed care since her health is not the best, boy that hell brake lose again.
You may think that people can change and be less manipulative of what they had been with adult age, in some sort of way she is, she don’t have the power anymore, but she is a crafty woman I can tell you that and may and will use whatever in her availability to try and manipulate even at that age, tears, tantrums, passive – aggressive arguments, little comments here and there and try to dissociate whatever order you have on your household, playing victim with friends and family, the whole package, the problem with this is, putting a person like this in your house may be a heavy burden on the members of your family, is asking to much from your partner to deal with, at some point since she don’t have any more power over me, she start and try to see how much damage she can do around, how she can move things and to be honest is soul crushing to realize that she won’t change at all and you have to find a way to care for her but to care for yourself before.
The worst lie a narcissistic parent tells their kid is that they “love” them and are “thinking of” them when in fact they’re being anything but caring and considerate of their child’s feelings and needs. Unfortunately, the child then learns that love involves being hurt again and again.
I’m only 11 (12 in 2 months) but lately, I’ve been reading a lot of books where one of the characters are manipulative or abusive, and I watched as the main character slowly turned into me. Last week, I started connecting the dots and realized that my mom is manipulative and abusive, but I just started researching today and realized my mom applies to all of these. One second she guilt trips me on being born and everything she has ever done for me, and the next, she’s sobbing into my arms saying that I’m to only reason she’s still alive. I have been going through a difficult situation in the past few weeks (a student accused me of something I did not do), and lately, she’s become more abusive, and it gets physical a lot lately. She now gets mad at me for no reason or anything that is my fault and guilt trips me a lot now. She just gave me a lecture on how I should respect my elders and never speak out of turn when I did absolutely nothing. I have tried confronting her but she just shuts me out and continues telling me how I am a terrible child. I have always wanted to be an author and all of my teachers support me on that choice, but my mother just tells me how it’s a useless job and I’ll end up being homeless and how I am horrible at it anyways just like the rest of the careers that I’m interested in. I barely have any same interests as her and she guilt trips me about having those other interests all the time. I have read a lot of your articles, and learned a few ways on how to protect myself but I can’t do most of your tips and I have been struggling a lot. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do?
Hi Bella,
you are so young…When I was your age, I couldn’t articulate half of the things I was feeling or experiencing. I can see that you are so intelligent, perceptive, and articulate. So right off the bat, I know that your mom is dead wrong about you. You can be a great author one day. Hell, maybe you’ll write a book about your mom — about your experience with her. As a professional blogger who makes a full-time living with my blogs, I can tell you that writing is not a useless job. It’s a great profession with a lot of possibilities!
I tell you, my father and your mother are a little alike. My father also thought of my “hobbies” as garbage and wanted me to do something more practical. But 25 years later, it’s those hobbies that feed me, not the management degree he pushed for. My point is: hold on to your hobbies! And one day you’ll have a wonderful job that you love to do and that brings you real satisfaction.
Now, concerning your question, I’m not sure how to answer it. Most of my tips are about emotional distancing and setting boundaries and I can see how it’s difficult for you to apply those. Still, try not to take your mother’s words to heart. She’s wrong, and maybe unwell. One day you’ll realize it even clearer than today. Still, try to set boundaries, at least some, and insist that she respects them. For example, not entering your room without knocking. Read books! Try to develop your mind and nurture your interests. Above all, believe in yourself. Believe that you have a bright future and that you’re always loved and supported in this world.
Sincerely,
Lana
Sweet Bella, my heart breaks for you. I am 33 now and I’m just breaking up with a toxic and narcissistic bf and trying to move out ASAP. Anyway – I found a book of my poetry from 14-16?? I used to use any kind of notebook, single subject spiral was usually what we had, but some times when my mom was in a good mood she would treat us to books a million ? Vague memory if it was my money or not* and I would look for nice journals. Looking back, I really feel like it may have saved my life to have that as an outlet. I read through them this evening, poem after poem. Themes of being ignored and not feeling good enough, physical, verbal & emotional abuse. Was horrible. I still hurt for that 15 year old me. I am just now learning more that I can not have my mom in my life and that would be ok. It is not her right.
Please, Bella, keep inhale and exhale for me one day at a time. Find as many ways to be out of the house as possible. I rode the bus to get to school earlier and home later. I started staying later when possible or joining JV sports – cross country- I wasn’t horrible at it but I wanted outside so I stayed after school and went to practice, get a ride home from someone. Spend as much time away as you can. If there is an opportunity for a sleepover at a friends house, take advantage. It helped me see a glimpse of what normalcy looks like. Talk to therapists talk to who ever will listen. Do whatever you can to be safe.
I am a guy in my early 50’s and have recently realized many of the problems I’ve faced throughout my life my be more along the lines of symptoms of growing up with narcissistic parent/parents. I never considered myself an abused child because for the most part I thought abuse was physical only. Back then the whole “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me” was the common belief. I can’t remember any particular reason but I was always scared. I was always very timid and shy and emotional as a young boy. I hated holidays or other family gatherings. It’s more then just shy, I have serious issue with being the center of attention. I spent my childhood waiting for the day I could leave and start my life.
My high school sweetheart and became sexually active before we were mentally mature enough and at age 17 she was pregnant with our first child. We got married and bought a small place not far from my parents place and we were both excited to be away from our dysfunctional families and were going to do things right. We were failing terribly and the baggage we brought from our childhoods made us a toxic mess that lasted 17 years. The emotional shield that grew from the need to not be cry baby as a child left me cold and emotionless as an adult more often then not. My wife’s baggage I now recognize as some form of narcissist much like my mother. When she blamed me for ruining her life, I accepted the blame. At one point I confided in my father telling him I couldn’t take the fighting constant yelling and shaming and was considering leaving my wife, he exploded. He shamed me for even considering abandoning my family and made it clear I would be disowned if I went though with it. I did as expected and most of my life consisted of work and home. Spending time with friends was something that caused more fights and accusations of cheating so it was easier to always have an excuse when friends invited me out. I was always working on fixing the broken parts of me but there was always more. When I broke her rule and snooped around and found her diary one afternoon while she was away, I discovered she had been seeing someone for at least two years. He was frustrated that she hadn’t left me yet. As I read the diary the tears were flowing and I remember thinking, what have I done. I was hurt that she was the one that cheated but took all the blame. My mind in a blurry fog I remember grabbing the shotgun and putting a single shell in and as I was trying to get the courage to kill the monster I had become. Then I heard a car door slam and realized my daughter was home from work. I couldn’t do that to her so I put the gun away and went in the bathroom and gained my composure. Later when my wife came home I confronted her about the relationship. She screamed at me for a couple hours then told me to move out.
I continued to see the counselor that her and I had gone to for couples counseling and she helped me through some difficult times. She reassured me that I was not all that my ex had said I was during our couples sessions.
I changed jobs and spent more time with friends and eventually started dating but find a way to end the relationship before things get too serious. Yes I am now afraid of commitment. I thought I was just gun shy from the 17 years with my wife. Life seemed fine as long as I didn’t get too involved with a romantic partner.
A few years after dad passed away and I had tried taking over his business, my mothers health was slipping and she asked if I would consider moving back in to the home I grew up in to help her. My place is fairly close and I told her I would help but wanted to keep my place. More health problems and more pleading. One of my sisters was helping her but was struggling with alcohol abuse and mom didn’t think she would be much help. I reluctantly agreed to move back in and the basement was mine. I turned one of the bedrooms into an office and I turned my focus on the business I was struggling to keep afloat. I knew it was not going to survive and it was dads thing, not mine. Heavy equipment and construction had been his thing and my specialty was small machines and data. I took some online classes and started to perfect my web design skills and by the time I fully failed at dads business, I had a bit of a head start on my dream.
Moms health and finances were like a roller coaster from hell for a while. She seems to have the ability to get sick and need more help whenever things were going good for me and my business. I still had a mess to clean up form one business failing but she asked me to help balance her budget and get things under control because she wanted to stay in the home her and dad built until the end. Then I discovered she had gone through literally all the saving, investments and life insurance dad had left with her quite quickly and had sold most of the land including a section dad had said was set aside for me. He had so CD’s that he had set aside for my sisters and that was gone as well. Turns out that shortly after dad passed away mom started giving my little sister lots of money. My little sisters daughter who my sister lost as a baby found she could easily convince her grandmother to give her anything she asked for and more. What wasn’t given, she stole and mom refused to admit little sister or little niece did anything wrong.
I’ve spent my life believing my flaws were my problems and never realized they were a symptom of problems that started from childhood. I knew little to nothing about co-dependancy or narcissist abuse until recently. Little sister is out of control and violent. My older sister had to put a restraining order on her because of violent threats. The ugliness of the abusive narcissist shows when mom condemns my older sisters and holds the golden one blameless and enabled. I am in the process of getting my place back in shape to I can get away from the madness but there is one problem. Without someone monitoring things, mom will sell the house and leave nothing of my fathers to any of the kids. Little sister is pushing for mom to sell the place and move into a nursing home. If that happens while mom is alive, the money from the sale is hers to spend as she wishes. If it is sold afterwards, the 4 of us split the cash.
The hardest part of the hole mess it coming to terms with the fact that mom does not care about the pain she causes her children. The abuse my older sisters endured is as mom says, her kids making up lies just to hurt her. She points out my failed marriage as proof that I have no room to say anything and am considered selfish for being upset about her selling what dad had promised me. She begged for help but tells people she took me in to help me out because I have issues. She continues to try to drive a wedge between my sisters and I. Little sister is always happy to lash out violently. My older sisters and I make sure we talk at least weekly to compare what mom is saying about who so we can help each other. As for me, I can’t come to terms with the fact that mom just does not care. She never will. We all have issues from this insane family mess. They are the symptoms of what was done to us and she claims she has done very well in life despite having to deal with her kids turning out so bad. I am lost.
Cudos to you on writing about this type of abuse. Yes, abuse comes in many forms and this one needs more attention to educate adults needing healing and hope as well as tools to stop the cycle.
Back then, other common sayings heard were, little pictures have big ears, pretty is as pretty does, children are to be seen not heard, and do as I say not as I do. “Words” do hurt and have life long effects.
Using those words keep children and adult children tied and compliant into their parents narcissism. These effects will continue even after their deaths by tapes playing in our head, interrupting our daily lives.
You’re not “lost”. You’re finding your way by writing on this site, going to counseling and meetings with your sisters. Keep pushing forward. Your words are helping you and others who read about your life experiences with narcissism.
Your intelligence, energy and entrepreneurial skills are positive attributes from your parents. Take those skills use them for yourself, your daughter and your sisters to stop this treatment from becoming generational.
It’s not surprising you moved back into your childhood home. It’s common for a mother narcissist to USE another male, a son, grandson or nephew to exploit her narcissistic ways. She continued the facade, portraying how wonderful she is by saving you.
Unfortunately the exposure and daily barrage of this abuse, is a training that puts you on a course having friends and a spouse who themselves have many of those narcissistic characteristics. Consequently staying in those relationships, although abusive, have a comfortability factor.
You’re not bad. You were missing the tools, guidance and the opportunity on how to make choices needed for good decisions.
I’m sorry you endured abuse from childhood through adulthood by your parents. The fact is, your mom cares! She cares only about herself! She learned when something works to get what she wanted/needed, to keep doing it over and over, while perfecting her skill, the result gave her the desired outcome. “She claims she has done very well in life” It’s called grandiose thinking.
Educate yourself on your mothers estate before her death. She may even provide you with some information. A family law attorney is usually bound by law to discuss your mothers will/trust only with her being present, even when you have a signed copy. Most family law attorneys will give an hour free consultation, be sure to ask before going. Generaly, you can find out as much as legally possible, on your own, like what name(s) the house is titled(county records), car title(s), property owned, names on checking/savings accounts where and how many. Beneficiaries to IRAs, life insurance policies, loans, debts etc….. Funeral/burial expenses if they have been prepaid. This gives you awareness without the possibility of surprise(s) while dealing with all the paperwork, (unless you’re not the executor) and family members. Then there is the grieving process.
Continue on educating yourself…..keep fighting for yourself, your daughter and sisters. Change the narrative, it’s worth it. Thank you for sharing..
A bad day for us, either from family, friends, coworkers or the public doesn’t compare to Christ’s last week on earth.
Move out sell your home. Move away and cut your loseses. Your to worried about money. Get away from these evil people and run for your life. Money cannot buy happiness, value, peace or kindness or any good virtues.
Just run and give your life to Jesus✝️
I’m 16 and my mom has done this to me for years. I finally figured out a few months ago that she was emotionally abusing me, so I confronted her and she won’t let me talk to anyone, not even my sister. My dad sued for custody and we have a hearing coming up, but I’m scared we’ll lose because she has a way with twisting my words and making me look bad. If I lose, is there any other way out? Thank you.
Hello Carly,
so sorry you’re going through this. This is a tough situation for anyone, but especially for a young girl such as yourself. As far as I know, custody issues vary state by state and are often decided on a case-by-case basis. In some states, children as young as 14 can decide which parent they’ll stay with. In other states, the age is older: 16 or 17 years of age. Regardless of age, a judge will never base a custody decision solely on the wishes of the child. So I’m afraid that it’s up to your parents to battle it out in the courtroom. If your dad loses, you’ll have to stay with your mom until you’re 18. That’s the legal side of things.
Beyond that, I just want to say: you’re a bright girl, Carly, recognizing and labeling emotional abuse. For most people, it happens much later in life. So you’re way ahead, which means that you have a much better chance of healing and moving on. Stay strong and believe that things will work out as they should, sooner or later. We all experience some abuse in our lives; it’s how we deal with it that matters. I know it feels like your mom is in control and there’s nothing you can do, but things won’t always stay that way. And there’s something you can do right now – start separating what your mom says about you or to you from who you really are. Everything is going to be OK 🙂
Sincerely,
Lana