I’ve been happily married for 10 years. But the word “happily” in that sentence should have an asterisk next to it: happily* (while dealing with a toxic mother-in-law).

It hasn’t been a walk in the park. My relationship with my mother-in-law is a “cold war” relationship: one that’s filled with tension, animosity, and a sense of deep mistrust.

We will never see eye to eye. We will never appreciate each other. And we will never be friends, the way some of my girlfriends are “friends” with their mothers-in-law.

If you’re reading these words right now, you can relate. Things will never get better, right? She’ll never change, she’ll never accept you.

But that’s OK. You may never get love, appreciation, or approval out of that relationship.

But you can get something much more valuable if you choose to: knowledge, strength, personal growth, and more.

You can:

• Learn about difficult people like her
• Challenge yourself to be a bigger person
• Recognize your own darkness with an almost devastating clarity
• See this relationship as a personal growth challenge
• Help those who are dealing with the same situation

Another unexpected benefit of dealing with a toxic mother-in-law for me was an opportunity to write about it, and to connect with all the people who are in the same boat.

Writing has been my saving grace in this.

I highly recommend it to anyone who’s in the cold war trenches with a toxic person in their life, too.

Writing about my toxic mother-in-law allowed me to process my feelings and find a higher ground.

Prior to writing my first article, I was in a bad shape. It’s like my mind was on a negative, self-destructive loop.

I was obsessing over everything my MIL said and done to me, and I was feeling sorry for myself, BIG time.

I needed relief from the anguish my in-law discord was causing me. So I wrote about it. After all, writing is meant to be therapeutic.

I’ve exercised my demons through the written word. I’ve described being in a relationship with this woman, and I gave a name to what she was to me. This is how the “toxic mother-in-law” was born.

Since it was published hundreds of women (and even men) shared their mother-in-law woes with me. They left comments. They contacted me on social media. Those who wanted to keep our conversations private sent emails. The overarching sentiment was: “I’m glad I’m not alone.”

Suddenly it seemed like there is a toxic MIL epidemic.

Call FEMA, call CDC, call someone, because the toxicity is reaching dangerous levels!

Moved by their sincerity, I wanted to offer some advice to the battered and emotionally drained daughters-in-law, but I didn’t know what to tell them. I was in the same boat as them.

So I offered a compassionate ear. I figured, having your feelings validated can make a difference too, however small.

Still, I tried to distill some sort of wisdom from my “monster-in-law” conundrum and to pass it on.

That’s how this blog started (here is a step-by-step guide to starting an emotional abuse recovery blog). I wanted to help everyone struggling with a difficult in-law. And I wanted to help myself, because I was struggling, too.

I’m happy to report that not only did I find an outlet for my frustration, but also a way to learn more about psychology and relationships. Not to mention, blogging can be a source of income!

Of course, it doesn’t have to be a blog.

It can be just writing in a journal, or even talking into a video camera. That can be therapeutic, too, and it can give you sudden insights, just like with writing.

The main thing is…don’t hold the toxicity in. It will make you ill. Let it out in a safe way, or find a way to get some kind of benefit out of it.

For me, writing about my toxic mother-in-law allowed me to release some of the pain, frustration, and anger I was carrying around.

But more importantly, it allowed me to connect with others who are dealing with the same toxic situation.

That validation was priceless! It’s more valuable to me than anything else I gained through writing about my mother-in-law.

But it’s not all lemonade all the time.

Some days are harder than others. Just when I feel like I’ve worked through the issues and reached the next level, I fall prey to her toxic claws again.

All of a sudden I find myself spinning out of control emotionally: feeling wounded by the words she says, angry almost to the point of explosive rage, and most regrettably, feeling disappointed in myself.

That’s the hardest part of it for me. When you feel like you’re above it, and then you realize that you’re not.

You’re still human, you’re still learning. There’s no end to this, only the next level, and the next one after that, and after that…

So what can I say to someone who may be dealing with a toxic mother-in-law and feeling defeated?

I guess my biggest message (the one that I constantly try to relay to myself, too) is:

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

It’s frustrating enough to deal with someone who’s constantly critical, overbearing, and demeaning toward you. Don’t do the same thing to yourself.

Love yourself. Appreciate yourself for all the wonderful things that you are. Celebrate the small victories, and one day they’re going to turn into a big one!

Be mindful of picking up negative energy — if it’s not yours, give it back. Find your center. Stand your ground. This isn’t as bad as it feels right now. This shall pass, too, and you will be better for it.

Be grateful, FIERCELY GRATEFUL for everything you have, and especially for the people you love who love you back.

There’ll always be assholes on your path.

You’ve got to learn to walk next to them without being affected by their poison. Bless you and have a great rest of your life!

In the end, nothing really matters but love. Like an obscure British band once sang,

And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make.

P.S. And, write, write, write!

NEXT

10 Things You Wish You Could Say to Your Mother-in-Law

10 Steps to Taking Your Power Back From a Toxic Person

Why You Shouldn’t Accept Gifts from Your Toxic Mother-in-Law