Do you wonder if your husband is passive-aggressive?

Do you feel like his words and actions don’t match? Are you confused and frustrated by the mixed messages you receive from him? Then you may be married to a passive-aggressive man.

In this article, we’ll discuss what passive aggression is, how to tell if your partner has a passive-aggressive streak, and what to do about it.

What is Passive Aggression?

Passive aggression is feelings of anger or hostility that are masked, muted, and disguised as something else to avoid conflict or to evade accountability.

On some level, it exists in almost every relationship. For example, you were hurt by an insensitive joke your friend made. But instead of confronting them about it, you dodged their calls for 2 weeks, pretending to be too busy.

In a more sinister scenario, a narcissistic parent can use passive-aggressive language to communicate to their child. They could be subtly criticizing the child’s physical appearance, inducing guilt for not doing more to earn the parent’s affection, or habitually comparing the child to siblings, cousins, friends’ children, etc.

Because they’re not telling the child “You’re not good enough” or “You don’t deserve my love” directly, they can inflict emotional pain without any consequences.

Passive aggression is also very common in intimate relationships.

Of all the dysfunctional intimate relationship patterns, passive aggression is one of the worst. It creates emotional incongruence wherein the person’s words and actions don’t match how they truly feel. The incongruence, in turn, sabotages the relationship and leads to unspoken frustration and resentment.

And yet people resort to passive aggression so often because it’s an easy way to evade responsibility for “unacceptable” feelings and punish their partner without being “the bad guy.”

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive aggression encompasses a multitude of behaviors that essentially have one purpose — to avoid confrontation by concealing the true feelings behind the behavior. These include

• silent treatment and stonewalling
• guilt tripping
• negative comparisons
• criticism presented as concern
• backhanded compliments
• complaining
• playing the victim
• sabotaging
• procrastination, cancelling plans, being chronically late
• hostile or incommunicative attitude
• nonverbal signals (sighs, looks, angry gestures)
• sarcasm and hurtful jokes etc.

What Passive Aggression Sounds Like

Consider this conversation between a husband and a wife as they’re driving home from a party.

Wife: Are you mad at me?

Husband: No. What makes you think that?

Wife: You barely said two words to me since we got in the car. Is it because I talked to Gary? I told you there’s nothing going on between us. We’re just friends.

Husband: I know that. You can talk to whomever you want.

Wife: So you’re not mad?

Husband: Of course not. If you want to act like an idiot in front of all of our friends, that’s your choice. I have no problem with that.

Wife: Are you calling me an idiot?

Husband: No. I would never do that. I’m simply wondering why you wanted to flirt with your ex after everything he did to you.

Wife: I wasn’t flirting! We talked about his son. I gave him some school recommendations, that’s all.

Husband: Alright. As I said, you’re a free woman. I can’t tell you what to do. (falls silent again)

Wife: I’m sorry. I won’t talk to Gary again if it bothers you.

Husband: Oh it doesn’t bother me. You can talk to him if you think it’s a good idea. (softer) I’m just looking out for you.

Let’s deconstruct this conversation.

In this example, the husband doesn’t want to admit feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Instead, he

• chooses silence to communicate his disapproval and anger
• makes his wife feel guilty for talking to another man, as if she did something offensive
• attacks her intelligence and implies that she publicly embarrassed him
• when she confronts him (“Are you calling me an idiot?”) he gaslights her by denying it (“No. I would never do that.”)

After the wife is forced to defend herself, she eventually agrees to not talk to her ex again. So the husband gets his way without being vulnerable and without being accountable for his controlling behavior.

This example illustrates that passive aggression isn’t harmless. In fact, it can be more harmful than “active” aggression because of its covert, disorienting nature.

The Origin of Passive Aggression

Since passive aggression is primarily a way to avoid conflict, it is usually displayed by people who are conflict-averse or those who want to let their feelings be known in a way that’s easily deniable, like in the example above.

This communication pattern typically originates in childhood.

People who are passive-aggressive often grew up witnessing explosive anger, or in households where expressing anger was forbidden. So they are terrified of that emotion and have no model for a healthy conflict resolution.

They suppress their anger to avoid conflict. But at the same time, they can’t extinguish it completely, so they act out in passive-aggressive ways.

It can also be deliberate manipulative behavior that’s part of a larger personality disorder pattern. For example, narcissistic and borderline personality disorders are associated with passive aggression.

10 Signs Your Husband Is Passive-Aggressive

Recognizing passive-aggressive behavior can be tricky because, by definition, it’s subtle and easy enough to deny.

However, you probably know your husband better than anybody. You may have noticed that some of his behaviors are not situational or sporadic. They’re a pattern, and as such, they are easier to recognize.

Here are some of the most common passive-aggressive behaviors that your husband may exhibit.

1. Expects you to be a mind reader

A passive-aggressive husband has a hard time communicating his needs directly. So he will drop hints and make vague statements, hoping that you will “guess” what he wants and fulfill his desires like a magical genie.

This behavior is not necessarily “aggressive” or anger-driven, but it is very frustrating to deal with.

It could be that as a child, your husband didn’t have a voice. So every time he communicated his needs, he was dismissed or made to feel guilty for it.

Whatever the reason behind this behavior, it is not a productive way to get one’s needs met.

2. Is combative about the small things

Since he can’t be openly angry or upset about the things that really bother him, he picks fights over “small potatoes” to relieve some of his frustrations and to get back at you for the things he’s really mad about.

This can be extremely confusing. For example, it may appear that your husband is super passionate about loading the dishwasher a certain way. And every time you do it “wrong,” he reacts as if it was a personal insult.

You may think he’s overreacting and it’s not a big deal. But to him, it’s a passive-aggressive way to vent his real frustrations.

3. Never admits to being angry

The classic go-to of a passive-aggressive person is “I’m not angry; I’m disappointed.” Um, newsflash: you’re angry.

A passive-aggressive husband will almost never admit to being angry. Again, part of it is the expectation that you will know what he feels without him having to say it. The other part is that expressing anger is a taboo to him.

Perhaps, growing up he witnessed a parent with an explosive temper. Or every time he was angry or frustrated, he was punished or discouraged from showing these emotions.

These childhood patterns often follow us into adulthood, even when there is no longer a rationale behind them. So although your husband is all grown up, he may still have a deep-seated fear of expressing negative feelings.

4. Sulks when he’s upset

So what does he do instead of being angry? He sulks.

Sulking, brooding, silent treatment — these are classic passive-aggressive behaviors meant to mask anger.

Instead of having an honest discussion about what upsets him, your husband emotionally withdraws, leaving you to sort things out and try to get through his impenetrable armor of silence.

He could also be withdrawing his affection or intimacy to communicate his discontent.

5. Procrastinates or feigns incompetence

Whenever you ask your husband to do something, he procrastinates until you get frustrated and do it yourself. Then he says: Oh you didn’t have to! I was about to do it.”

Or, in another scenario, he feigns competence to evade responsibility. In all other areas of life, he’s an intelligent, capable man. But ask him to do a simple household chore — laundry, for example — and he turns into an imbecile who can’t do anything right.

We’ve all done this as children at some point. Who didn’t try to get out of cleaning because they “didn’t know how to do it”? My 5-year old tried to use this excuse all the time.

But when an adult does it to another adult in a relationship, it is manipulative and immature, and it needs to be addressed.

6. Avoids talking about difficult issues

Difficult issues like finances or parenting philosophies are no one’s favorite topics, especially when there are significant differences in how people approach them.

For example, you’re a saver and your husband likes to make extravagant purchases because “we only live once.” Both approaches are valid but it’s difficult to reconcile them. So open communication is essential to bringing balance to an otherwise unbalanced situation.

This is why in a strong marriage the partners are not afraid to have tough discussions and to challenge each other’s assumptions.

Your husband, on the other hand, avoids these talks because of their potential for conflict. He thinks that ignoring the differences will make them go away.

7. Is often critical but claims to mean well

Criticism is often a form of passive aggression disguised as advice, concern, feedback, etc. Usually, we can shake it off because the source of criticism isn’t that important to us. You can say that the easiest criticism to ignore is the one coming from a stranger.

But when it’s your spouse who’s habitually critical of you, it’s hard to brush it off because they are in your “inner circle,” so you assume that they know you well.

A critical husband may innocently think they’re helping you. But deep down, it’s a form of aggression that found a more acceptable outlet. And it could be killing your relationship.

8. Uses work or social media to ignore you

Whenever you’re having a conflict or a disagreement, he becomes incredibly busy at work. Again, this is a convenient passive-aggressive behavior because it’s so easy to deny.

Another common passive-aggressive way of communicating anger or disapproval is to go on social media whenever you’re together.

Of course, it could also be habitual behavior couples engage in. Nowadays it’s not unusual to see a couple in a restaurant not talking to each other but both scrolling through their phones.

So use your own judgment with this one. If the rest of the signs fit, then maybe your husband’s social media obsession has a passive-aggressive element to it. At the very least, it indicates a pattern of avoidance and escapism.

9. Complains instead of asking for help

Complaining, in general, is classic passive-aggressive behavior. When someone complains, they don’t yell, curse, or slam their fist on the table. But make no mistake about it, it is a form of aggression.

Your husband may be habitually complaining of being misunderstood and underappreciated, or even about being “cursed” or unlucky in life.

Behind this whining and moaning could be a serious condition such as depression. But it could also be your husband’s way of telling you he’s angry about not having his needs met.

For example, if your husband says things like: “You don’t care about me” or “Nobody appreciates what I do,” it’s more a dig at you than a mature attempt to communicate his feelings.

Instead of telling you how he feels directly, he positions himself as a victim and makes other people responsible for his mental state.

10. Uncomfortable with emotions in general

Your husband may be uncomfortable with strong emotions in general, whether his own or other people’s.

For example, every time you express strong feelings about something, he shuts down. Or he always invalidates you by saying: “You’re overreacting,” “You’re being too sensitive,” “It’s not a big deal,” “Just get over it,” “Why must you always be such a drama queen?”

Since he had no model of healthy emotional expression growing up, he experiences every emotion as unsafe and potentially destructive.

If you have children, he may also be unconsciously discouraging them from displaying emotions. With sons, he’s likely to censor sadness, fear, tenderness. With daughters, anger and assertiveness will not be tolerated.

How to Deal with a Passive-Aggressive Husband

In most cases, passive aggression isn’t coming from a malicious place. It is simply a childish and immature way of dealing with one’s frustrations.

It’s also the lack of understanding.

Your husband may not be aware that conflict is a normal part of a healthy relationship.

In fact, when a couple never fights, it’s a red flag. It means people are either being inauthentic, superficial, or they don’t have adequate communication skills.

Due to his personal history, your husband may be under the impression that conflict is a sign of trouble, and that happy marriages are all smooth sailing all the time. Conflict scares him or makes him feel like something is wrong.

If you’ve recognized your husband in this article, you have a tough dilemma in front of you: to tolerate his behavior or to try to change it.

If you’re leaning toward the latter, know that passive-aggressive behavior pattern is very ingrained. It is something that was cultivated over many years, and it has considerable rewards. So it won’t evaporate overnight. Even if your husband is genuinely willing to make a change, it will be a process.

So what can you do to help it along?

Well, just by learning the warning signs of passive-aggressive behavior in your husband you’re changing your relationship dynamic. Having this insight is a huge step forward that will allow you to better manage your own reactions and have a sharper understanding of the kind of relationship you want.

Here are a few other things you can do.

1. Talk openly about the issue

Talk to him about the issue (but not in the heat of an argument). Let him know that it’s safe for him to express his true emotions, as long as he’s respectful.

Use “I” statements and avoid a blaming tone or body language. For example, you can say: “When you procrastinate doing something I’ve asked you to do, I feel dismissed and disrespected. I would appreciate it if in the future you did it sooner or told me directly that you’re not going to do it.”

Remember: you deserve honesty and respect. You’re not asking for anything extraordinary.

2. Lead by example

Show him that conflict doesn’t have to be catastrophic or destructive to a relationship.

When an issue arises, don’t let emotions take over or resort to personal attacks. Seek common ground and acknowledge his feelings while voicing yours.

Also, recognize and reward his efforts to be more direct, however small they may be. With time, his assertiveness will grow and he will be able to communicate more authentically.

Whether your husband grew up in an environment that bred passive aggression or he picked up this unhealthy communication pattern in a previous toxic relationship, there is a way to break the habit and adopt a new way of being, if he is open and committed to change.

3. Set limits

Setting limits or boundaries is paramount to any relationship. Let your husband know what you will and will not tolerate, and be clear about what you want.

“Setting limits gives him an important message: that you are entitled to better treatment,” writes psychologist Scott Wetzler in Living With the Passive-Aggressive Man.

For example, you may say: “I understand that it’s not easy for you to handle conflict. But I will not accept silent treatment.”

4. Seek professional help

If your husband isn’t making progress, keeps reverting to his old ways, or even becoming worse (because confronting his inner demons is scary and he may be rebelling against the pressure to change), seek the help of a therapist.

Seeking professional help may be a good idea regardless of any possible setbacks because a passive-aggressive pattern usually originates in childhood.

Navigating the difficult and often triggering journey of reprogramming childhood beliefs and facing irrational fears will be much easier with a counselor trained in these issues.

Therapy may also improve your communication, offer strategies for overcoming challenges, and help strengthen your marriage. Or it may make it clear that the marriage is over.

After all, there are different types of passive aggressors, and not everyone is willing or capable of change.

If you feel that your husband’s more manipulative and controlling than childlike and passive, consider the possibility that you may be in an abusive marriage and seek help.

Resources

Oberlin, L. (2006). Understanding passive aggression. Counseling Today.

Wetzler, S. (1993). Living With the Passive-Aggressive Man. Touchstone.

Whitson, S. (2020). 6 Telltale Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior. Psychology Today.