If you are an adult child of a narcissistic parent, you likely played one of two roles in your family: a golden child or a scapegoat.
A golden child is the pride of the family, while the scapegoat occupies a much less enviable role — that of a screwup who can’t do anything right.
If you were the scapegoat of your narcissistic parent, you were the constant target of their criticism, as well as the convenient excuse for all of the family’s problems and conflicts.
If so, you’ve had a very painful and lonely childhood indeed. You’ve experienced the brunt of your parent’s abuse at an age when you had no way of protecting yourself. You simply absorbed it, and most likely, you’re still suffering the consequences.
However, despite what you might believe, there is an upside to being a scapegoat child of a narcissistic parent. This article will discuss the potential benefits of being the narcissist’s least favorite child.
But first, let’s answer the obvious question: why do narcissistic parents assign their children roles?
Why do narcissistic parents assign their children roles?
In a narcissistic family system where one parent is a narcissist and another one is an enabler, it is common to “divide and conquer” the children by assigning them opposite roles — the golden child and the scapegoat.
To understand why the parent acts this way, we have to delve into the psyche of a narcissist.
Arrogant and self-righteous on the surface, narcissists feel worthless and insecure on the inside. In order to resolve this dichotomy, they use projection — a defense mechanism that allows them to take everything they can’t face about themselves and attribute it to another person(s).
Children are perfect receptacles for their parent’s projections. A scapegoat child (or children) will embody the rejected parts of the narcissist’s ego, while a golden child will become the manifestation of the narcissist’s idealized imaginary self.
But the narcissistic parent isn’t acting alone. Families are interrelated systems, and that includes dysfunctional families. In order to survive and reduce tension, all family members participate in scapegoating to some degree, whether consciously or unconsciously.
In that sense, narcissistic abuse is contagious.
All children, especially young children, have the need to please their parents. And if they sense that pleasing their parents means mistreating their brother or sister, they will do it.
However, they will also feel guilty about it. To resolve that collective guilt, family members have to believe (and constantly reinforce that belief) that the scapegoat is a “problem” that needs to be fixed.
This, in a nutshell, is the great deception of the narcissistic parent: to convince the family that the victim of the abuse is the problem, not the abuser.
Once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat?
In some narcissistic family systems, one sibling is always the “golden child,” and the other (or others) is forever a scapegoat. Their roles are permanent and nothing they do can change that.
However, a more common scenario is the “rotating scapegoat,” where the narcissistic parent assigns and reassigns roles in order to control her children.
So a golden child can fall out of favor when they do something to displease the parent. The parent will then make them the new scapegoat as a form of punishment or to get them to correct their behavior.
Research on the topic (Mandeville, 2021) confirms that family scapegoating can begin in adulthood, after a “golden child” diverges from the path the narcissistic parent laid out for them or challenges the parent in any way.
A scapegoating example from my family
I’ve had a chance to closely observe the dynamics of scapegoating in my extended family.
The narcissistic mother wanted her oldest son (the golden child) to continue the family tradition and become a pharmacist. The son decided to choose a different career, which triggered disapproval and hostility from the mother.
Yesterday’s favorite child becomes the “bad seed” who broke his mother’s heart and ruined the family’s future.
The younger scapegoat who was always ignored or negatively compared to his older brother becomes the new favorite. He is demonstratively showered with praise and attention, while the oldest son is bullied and eventually discarded.
The oldest son doesn’t give in to pressure. He continues making his own choices, including choosing a marriage partner his mother disapproves of and eventually moving away.
Despite being successful in his chosen career and happy in his marriage, the oldest son is treated as a failure and the “black sheep” of the family.
The younger sibling whose life choices were more in line with his mother’s wishes is heralded as the most loving and wonderful son. All his accomplishments, however minor, are acknowledged and celebrated.
Although the siblings have a relatively good relationship, there is a lot of unexpressed hostility and competition between them, which they both deny, of course.
What happens to a narcissistic parent’s scapegoat?
Growing up with a narcissistic parent is deeply traumatic, regardless of the role you occupied in the family structure.
Both golden children and scapegoats suffer the consequences manifested as mental health issues or character flaws. However, scapegoating leaves particularly deep scars. Many adults who were their family’s scapegoat develop complex PTSD (Mandeville, 2021), as well as a host of other issues such as
- low self-esteem
- indecisiveness
- impostor syndrome
- trust and abandonment issues
- codependency and difficulty setting boundaries
- tendency to choose abusive partners
- perfectionism
- self-destructive behaviors
- weak ego identity (trouble identifying your feelings, wants, and needs)
- emotional enmeshment with the parent despite the abuse
- anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and other mental health disorders.
Not only that, a scapegoat child will often become the victim of the parent’s smear campaign. So in addition to being their parent’s punching bag, they can lose the support of their entire family, which leaves them in a particularly vulnerable place.
And because scapegoating is subtle (like any psycho-emotional abuse), the adult child of a narcissist may be living in toxic shame and self-blame for many years before realizing the true nature of their predicament and seeking help.
Even then, their experiences could be dismissed or invalidated by those who don’t understand the dynamics of growing up in a narcissistic family system.
The scapegoat’s road to recovery may be long and arduous indeed. Still, their chances of healing are better than those of a golden child. Here’s why.
Is it better to be the scapegoat or the golden child?
This is a difficult question and perhaps, it depends on your priorities.
If your priority is to fulfill all of your parent’s dreams and feel the warmth of their approval even as you suffocate under the weight of their expectations, it’s better to be a golden child.
But if you want to live an authentic life away from your parent’s abuse and independent of their desires and demands, being a scapegoat may be preferable.
Keep in mind that despite the love and approval they receive, the golden children are also victims of the parent’s narcissistic abuse.
Granted, it’s infinitely more subtle than the scapegoat’s mistreatment. But because it’s so subtle, it’s more insidious.
A golden child is almost always doomed to be enmeshed with a narcissistic parent and trapped in a dysfunctional narcissistic family system.
A scapegoat, on the other hand, is often forced to leave the family system to escape maltreatment. Provided that they recognize their trauma and identify the abuse, scapegoats are more likely to find healing and empowerment as adults.
Even if they decide not to cut ties with the family, they can set and enforce boundaries with the parent better than the golden child who is hopelessly hooked on the narcissistic parent’s validation.
Whether it’s boundaries, emotional distance, low contact, or no contact, scapegoats eventually learn to protect themselves from a narcissistic parent.
They also have the drive to grow — psychologically and spiritually — to overcome the effects of their parent’s more obvious abuse.
Final thoughts on being a scapegoat of a narcissistic parent
Identifying yourself as a scapegoat of a narcissistic parent can be painful, but also liberating.
Perhaps, for the first time in your life, you understand what happened to you and why your parent had an obvious preference for your sibling. You may also feel validated that none of it was your fault.
As a result, you may find it somewhat easier to come to terms with your personal history and heal.
Of course, overcoming childhood trauma is never easy.
But it is possible to break the cycle and embrace a life free from psycho-emotional abuse.
As you move forward on your journey, here are a few things to keep in mind.
- Believe what you experienced was real, even if your family members gaslight you or doubt your narrative.
- Don’t assume that you need anyone’s acknowledgment or apology to heal. Identifying your parent as an abuser and realizing that your childhood wasn’t normal can be the turning point of your life in itself.
- If your parent or the rest of the family continues to mistreat you, it is entirely acceptable to end contact with them.
- Forgiving your abusive parent may be a wonderful idea in theory, but difficult in reality. You are under no obligation to do so unless it’s what you truly desire.
- Practice self-compassion and positive self-regard. You can start small — like praising yourself for waking up early or not jumping to self-blame after you make a mistake. It’ll take time to rewrite your parent’s narrative and silence your inner critic. But each time you show kindness to yourself, you’re correcting the dysfunctional patterns set by your narcissistic family system.
References
Mandeville, R. C. (2021). Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role.
Streep, P. (2017). How Narcissistic Parents Scapegoat Their Children. Psychology Today.
NEXT
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As a young girl, I was viewed either as the scapegoat, or the golden child—depending on who I was around. I am autistic, but sadly that didn’t stop some people from using me as their scapegoat, for justifying their own actions. At 14, I was blamed by my sister for what she did…also, when I was 15, I had to put up with abuse from a Christian School that was run by the SBC. I still struggle with anxiety and I am still very upset and, I still feel like I have been emotionally damaged due to the abuse (emotional and mental). I am still struggling with a lot of these issues, and but that’s why normally I am not very outgoing, or I tend not to be. That’s why I sometimes feel uncomfortable in church, due to the bad memories of the abuses. I know this is a touchy subject matter to some, but through my experience, only I would know the truth about my feelings, and what makes me who I am. I know that I maybe coming off as selfish, but I am a bit more protective about how I truly feel. I forgive, but I am no longer okay with the emotional, verbal, and mental abuse. I believe it’s something that needs to be talked about more often than none.
I am the scapegoat. I have no college degree. I am a millionaire. I have a wonderful partner. I have kids who are independent, who have their own opinions, who disagree with me some times. I still pay lip service to my parents. I try to take control without a fight. I tell them what they want to hear. I hope for the best. I have succeeded in breaking the curse. I have grandkids that know me, unlike them.
I had no idea what to call all the messed up childhood memories untill I read this article. I was definitely a scapegoat child all the way up to the day I finaly moved out.
Looking back I regret the childhood however today I am the only immediate family member that has never been divorced, cheated, been broke, become a drug or alcohol abuser nor have my own children disown me. I am happily married with two great boys that keep in touch after they have moved out. My father is on his fourth marriage, my mother her third I think… My older sister is in a terrible abusive marriage than never gets better and to get even worse her two now adult children won’t even speak to her but still allow communication with their alcoholic dad. I have another older sister who has her hands full with two drug addicted kids. My last count was fifteen step siblings that to the best of my knowlege all have major crisis in their lives from bad marriages, alcoholism and or drug abuse.
I know I can’t say that being a scapegoat child is why my life seems so much better but I certainly do think it has something to do with it. I also have to put some credit to the wonderfull family I married into. My wife has a lot to do with it as well.
Thank you for sharing this Scott. This gives me so much hope in the future, I am the scape goat too and somehow the one who is always trying to be a better version of myself. It’s quite ironic. Hearing how great you’ve been doing compared to those who have bullied you makes me feel so happy for you and hopeful for myself as well. I hope you continue to grow and be the happy person you deserve to be.
I think I could have written the exact same letter as Rick did. I was also a scapegoat child, adolescent and adult. I am also the most successful in my family by far. We certainly deserve and are proud of that. But, even in my 60’s now, I am not totally free of feelings of anger when memories surface. Do you think buying a punching bag would help?
Hi Louise,
a punching bag is certainly a good AND healthy way of dealing with your anger. But remember that anger is just a smoke screen. What’s behind your anger? What is your anger covering up?
When I think about feelings, sometimes I like to personalize them. For example, I imagine anger to be this big muscle-y bodyguard who protects the most vulnerable parts of you. If you were wounded as a child (which is when you’re most vulnerable), anger comes around to make sure it doesn’t happen again. This is how we begin to build walls and push other people away. But you gotta keep that guy on a leash or he will take over and become a part of your personality and all of your relationships. He’s not a bad guy really, he just wants to protect you.
Does that make sense?
Hello Louise and Lana
The punching bag is a grand idea. The walls may become lower but will still be there.
I haven’t realized untill I read this that I have removed all those that have done harm to me from my life. I love being alone and my way of letting out is in riding my motorcycle. I also faced my greatest fear and bought a plane to stomp out my fear of heights. It was awfull at first but after I soloed a few times I know that taking controll of my life and removing all those other people from it made me a happier person. I no longer own a plane but still do early morning therapeutic rides on my sportbike where it is just me in controll getting a thrill out life.
As far as it taking over my life goes… well I definitely wasn’t a happy person before I built those walls but my methods are just my way of decorating them. Maybe my next big redo will be scuba diving or mountain climbing… Just as Home Depot is full of paint colors, life is full of them too. You just have to do some scavaging around to find them.
Love the opportunity to vent.
Thanks.
Man. this is exactly like me! I did not even know what narcissism was until this year. right before I turned 62. it’s changed my life. I was the Scapegoat too. And it just dawned on me that my anger was/is the product of this. It’s the only way I can say what I feel. but I’m getting better. Thank you for your words.
Hi Louise,
The best revenge is living well. As far as getting 100% over my upbringing, here it’s 2 years after I last posted, still searching for the magical words to help me forget my screwed up family. What helps me though, when I start getting upset is to realize that their bad behaviors came from defective thinking, which caused themselves many problems, although I will never fully know the misery that my sick family brought upon themselves. Don’t ever believe that your family lived wonderful lives. It wasn’t in the cards for them.
Thank you for the wonderful series of articles about this topic.
I am the scapegoat, and became aware just a few years ago that this was my family. Articles like this are somewhat therapeutic for me. I am in my 60’s, so I don’t think I will get the return on investment from going to a shrink.
I witnessed an unusually cruel act committed by my Narcissistic mother against another family member, many years ago. I suffered for a long time from this, in addition to the head games. I thought I was able to forget the bad stuff, but an older brother died 3 months ago and I have had to have contact with my Golden brother that I haven’t spoken to in 10 years. This resurrected old feelings. It’s very painful to no longer have brothers.
Even though the witch died, she still has the hooks in the Golden one. He never could stand on his own 2 feet. I am ever thankful that I am the most successful of the siblings, which I attribute to outside intervention plus waking up to this madness. But at what price victory?
Hi Rick,
it doesn’t surprise me that you’re the most successful one of your siblings. Scapegoats are usually very successful and capable because they learned to be independent and take care of themselves. But that’s precisely why they’re scapegoated – because they refuse to be controlled by the narc parent.
I’m so sorry about your brother and the pain you’re going through. And for what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s ever too late for therapy…
Thanks for sharing your story.
Sincerely,
Lana
Hi Rick.
I am 56 and not just in the same boat as you, I am rowing with the same paddle. I look back and realize all my ways were sculpted by narcissism, bullying, neglect and physical abuse. But look who’s laughing now… no addictions, happily married for 28 years, never been financially broke and never raised a hand or my voice to my now two adult children who keep in touch and come over for dinner. I hate what took place as a child and keep my comments to myself when I hear of all the crap my parents and siblings are going through today. Having someone else read these next words is as good as shouting to them all, “Screw you’s! I turned out just fine!”