Does your narcissistic parent act like the martyr of the house? Then you know never to contradict them, or you’ll be crushed under a ton of guilt.
Dealing with a narcissistic parent is hard enough. But try dealing with one that has a bulletproof status of a selfless giver who sacrifices everything for others!
It can be confusing, to say the least. Is she a narcissist or Mother Teresa?
To help you identify and understand this difficult parenting persona, here are 7 signs of a toxic parent with a martyr complex.
Note: for purposes of simplicity and readability I will use the “she” pronoun when talking about a parent with a martyr complex.
Growing Up With a Narcissistic Parent With a Martyr Complex
A parent with a martyr complex has an exaggerated sense of obligation to suffer and sacrifice for others, especially for her kids.
True to her narcissistic nature, she does it to elicit sympathy, love, and admiration, but also to control and manipulate others.
On the surface, these parents appear to be extraordinary mothers. They do everything for their kids, often sacrificing their own hopes and dreams in order for their kids to have theirs. They live for their kids.
But despite the subliminal cultural message that that’s what motherhood should be, this isn’t good for the kids.
There is a steep price to pay for this kind of sacrificial upbringing.
Children of martyr mothers are burdened with guilt and responsibility from an early age.
They are very much aware that they are the reason for their mother’s suffering and sacrifices.
How can they ever repay her? How can they ever contradict her? And most importantly, how can they ever separate from her? They are her whole world.
In her book “Strong Mothers, Strong Sons” Meg Meeker points out this destructive effect:
Children of mothers with a martyr complex carry a very unhealthy sense of responsibility; if they become independent, they will leave their mothers with nothing to live for. This is far too great a burden for kids to bear.
A parent’s martyrdom, together with her narcissistic tendencies, creates very challenging family dynamics. The parent constantly needs to be the center of attention and demands unending admiration and reassurance from her kids.
Sadly, even if the child gives her what she wants, it’s never enough. They’re never quite capable of satisfying the parent’s enormous emotional needs.
As a result, the child feels completely battered and bewildered. They also feel invisible, since the parent denies her children the right to have their own feelings, and their own identity.
Does that describe your childhood? Then you might also recognize these signs of a narcissistic parent with a martyr complex.
7 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent With a Martyr Complex
1. Devoted to helping others.
Your parent might be in a helping profession or actively involved in charity work. They might be the first to help family members in need or to do a seemingly random act of kindness.
Sounds like an amazing person, right?
However, when you really know them and understand how their mind works, you might see a different, less flattering picture.
A narcissistic parent with a martyr complex isn’t helping people out of the goodness of her heart. She’s helping to feel superior and to make people obligated to her.
2. Habitually takes on more responsibility than is asked of her.
A parent with a martyr complex will often do things for others that no one asked her to do. She’ll do it, then accuse you of being ungrateful, or expect you to reciprocate her efforts.
A parent like that is also unable or unwilling to accept help or delegate. In her mind, she’s the only one who can do it “right.”
The truth is, she doesn’t want help, despite what she might claim. She wants to do it all herself, and then complain about how tired she is, and how nobody helps her. That’s a classic martyr.
3. Has a habit of complaining about her sacrifices.
Ah! That’s a big giveaway of a narcissist with a martyr complex.
Genuine giving or suffering doesn’t need an audience or praise. But sympathy and public accolades for her sacrifices are very much the reason behind your parent’s noble martyrdom.
She can’t do anything “good” or “selfless” without crying to someone about how much she does for everyone, and how little appreciation she receives.
The funny thing is, even if you acknowledge and thank her for something she’s done for you, in her mind you’re still indebted to her.
That will never change. You will never repay that debt.
4. Does things for others with an expectation of receiving a reward.
A narcissistic parent who craves admiration and blind obedience believes that sacrificing for her children (and other people) will get her what she wants.
In that sense, the more the martyr parent does for you, the more she expects you to be her puppet.
Because she bends over backwards for you and sacrifices so much, you must obey her and agree with everything she says.
If you contradict her at any time, she will quickly show you the “bill” for everything you owe her.
5. Acts disappointed and hurt when people don’t appreciate her great sacrifices.
A toxic parent with martyr tendencies always complains about people (especially children) being ungrateful. She also threatens to take everything away if you don’t get in line.
Her children must never — even for a second — forget her great suffering. And if they do, she’ll be quick to remind them.
That’s very much by design. It hurts her not to receive the recognition and the admiration she believes she deserves.
But at the same time, feeling “wronged” gives her an additional ego boost. It’s yet another confirmation that she’s an innocent victim, and everyone around her are useless, ungrateful sycophants.
6. Jumps into martyr mode when she feels under scrutiny or attacked.
A toxic parent who plays the martyr instantaneously reverts to her “I’ve sacrificed so much for you, how dare you” role to avoid accountability for any of her actions.
You are never allowed to question her motives! That’s what all narcissistic parents have in common.
But when you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent with a martyr complex, any scrutiny of her actions is taken as an insult and an affront to her noble suffering.
She is quick to attack whoever is questioning her status as a saint.
7. Has a list of everything she’s done for you whenever you have a fight.
The bitter truth is: the only relationship you can have with a martyr parent is one based on guilt and resentment.
Because being the martyr is the ultimate emotional blackmail.
When someone takes on a martyr identity during an argument, it’s like bringing a nuclear warhead to a gunfight.
Any sign of criticism or disrespect, and it’s World War III. Any failure to idolize her and you’re cursed and condemned to the pits of hell.
Even an innocent remark in a casual conversation can trigger an outrage, and a ridiculous, long-term grudge.
In her mind, any emotional abuse she subjects her children to is justified by the enormity of her sacrifices, and the profound ungratefulness of her offspring.
Summary
In this article, we’ve covered 7 signs of a narcissistic parent with a martyr complex. Here they are:
- Devoted to helping others.
- Habitually takes on more responsibility than is asked of her.
- Complains about her sacrifices.
- Does things for others expecting a reward.
- Becomes resentful when people don’t show appreciation.
- Plays a martyr whenever she feels under scrutiny.
- Has a “bill” of everything she’s done for you whenever you have a fight.
If you want to learn more about the psychology of playing the martyr, here’s an article I wrote about the relationship between covert narcissism and martyr complex.
For a fascinating in-depth look at narcissism, read 20 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Narcissism.
And for a better understanding of the tools or tactics narcissistic parents use, read 5 Devious Tactics Your Narcissistic Mother Uses Against You.
Finally, here’s one more treat for the road: an open letter to a narcissistic parent with a martyr complex. Maybe they’ll stumble upon this article and understand what it’s like to be on the receiving end of their “sacrifices.”
To the Parent With a Martyr Complex
Dear Parent,
you like to let your kids know, over and over again, of all the sacrifices you’ve made and all the hardships you went through to raise them.
You talk about it as if it was something extraordinary. As if your love and care were a great gift that you bestowed upon your children. A massive favor that you expect to be repaid with lifelong worship at your feet.
Sure, love is always a gift, especially unconditional love. But you’ve never given your kids unconditional love, have you? You were too busy playing the martyr to even see them as individuals.
It will probably come as a surprise to you, but in fact, most parents don’t consider loving and caring for their children a sacrifice or a burden.
Even if there were special circumstances (like being a single mother), it’s still not an excuse to play the martyr and put this enormous sense of debt on your children.
And let’s get one thing straight — you’re not the only parent who ever sacrificed for their children. There is always a degree of sacrifice in parenthood. We give up a part of our freedom, our youth, our health, our spontaneity…
But that sacrifice is voluntary, and it’s well worth the trouble. All our sleepless nights and our stretched-out bellies and our early grey hairs are compensated by the joy and the connection we get out of having children.
So your children don’t owe you anything. It’s not their fault that you never learned to love yourself. And it’s not their job to make you happy.
If you don’t feel like they love or appreciate you, it’s because you made it so hard to appreciate you. All the nice things you did or still do for them have strings attached. They can feel it, and they resent it.
Stop acting like you’re holier than thou. Accept that you’re not perfect and that you still have a lot to learn about being a good mother.
Then, and only then, there can be hope for you.
NEXT
20 Heartbreaking Signs of a Manipulative Mother
Why Some Parents Don’t Love Their Children
21 Gut-Wrenching Lies You Learned From Your Narcissistic Parent
Great letter! I would loved to send her this!
With all the lies aside about our role’s in each other’s lives having an impact on our psychological health. Personally I have realised there is no better or worse critic of ourselves, than ourselves and instead of everyone trying to be right and make other’s wrong, why don’t we just accept we all could be wrong and be happy to be together at such a special, precious and unique time in our lives, when we all had the opportunity to succeed in whatever we had chosen as our path throughout life and of course love is the solution, but I still laughed about all the game’s we played in love’s name and even though you win some and you lose some, I still think if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again, because judging and comparing yourself to other’s, only makes you vain and bitter and there is no one greater than who you are as yourself, so believe in yourself and if you don’t believe in yourself, then know I believe in you and if I can be of any use to you, then use me to not only to benefit yourself, but also all the life’s of other’s who come to you throughout your life. Divided we fall, together anything is possible and who knows, maybe someday we’ll no longer live in a world competing with each other for rewards, which don’t mean anything, except the meaning we give to them, so for now, farewell, Love is Life in Action and whether or not there is a God, just remember you can achieve anything you put your mind, body and soul to do and sing your own praises about how you did it your own way. New York, New York.
This is my dad. After leaving from visiting on fathers day, he’s texting me trying to make me comfort his insecure feelings. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t think that’s a daughter’s role. He is a “when have you ever thanked me” type, so I say it over and over just to cover my bases. It is exhausting.
I am confused about your article. As I read through it, I can recall hearing my grown Son say the same types of things to me. Claiming that all I cared about was myself and his famous last words “Its not about you Mom!” For the life of me, couldn’t figure out how he could possibly think I was trying to make anything about me. When he was making extremely bad choices as an adult he would turn to me for help. I always helped him, of course I would do my best to explain what I thought was the cause of his poor decision making. But whenever I said it was his own fault for making these bad choices he would lash out at me and call me these names and say I was trying to make him out to be the bad person. Which I wasn’t. As a parent I had to be the one to teach them how to survive and how to be a moral, empathetic, and trustworthy person. Just because he was an adult now didn’t mean I stopped being a parent. Appearately I was now required to only assume the role of a friend. Unless he needed money, my time, my knowledge, or my ability get him out of some sticky situations. Those are the times I’m worthy to be a parent. But after the crisis was over, I went right back to being nothing but a control freak, according to him. So, I decided to just leave him alone. I wouldn’t call him because when I did he made me feel like I was burdening him. Then of course he would never call or come by unless he needed something. Which of course, I always gave in and did everything in my power to help or fix or finance. Well needless to say, I do feel taken advantage of. I do feel like all of my sacrifices are dismissed as requirements that are never acknowledged and I feel like he does owe me some respect not just because I’m his Mother, but because I am always here for him and I never ask for anything but mutual respect. I think he uses what you describe in this article as a way to manipulate me and use me. He uses these terms to try and justify mistreating and using me. He is able to take my unconditional love and use it to his advantage and then turn around and say I am playing the victim. So, I am at a loss while reading this article. I know I’m not what you call an emotional martyr but it seems to be a great way to manipulate a good parent into a fake guilt. I would appreciate if you would write another article about how clever (possibly narcissistic) children use these same tactics on non-narcissisctic parents. I suppose it is another form of gaslighting. I think there are 2 sides to ever circumstance and the answer isnt always just cut your parent out of your life because you dont like what they say and because they are sti being a parent when required.
At the end you are here! At least you know what you are. I would just leave him alıne
HI to everyone who visits this page.I am woman age of 39 and suffered whole my life for my mother being narsistic martyr and it will never end…instead I believe it will come worst.I wish I could describe her as loving and supportive.That we get along just fine.Well…unfortenately I have to say she can be so mean,cruel and over-controlling and demanding no limits what so ever.Confusing part has been that she can act nice and normal infront of others and when she needs me to do things to her.Of course she will never say thank you.give you feedback even you ask,no compliments.Now when she is 67years no conversation…everything turn to toxic complain.Well we have never had normal conversation.Argument fighting goes level with 5 years…No it is you,your fault,you started,no possibility to talk like adults.She wants me to tell her everything and then use it againts me,how to denied helping and make life harder.Whole my life I have felt so tired,isolated unsure about myself.Done so much self-studies,praying etc.finding out what is wrong with me?She has played huge role in my life what comes no profession,health challanges,challenges in relationships,being deeply sad and frightning for life…In my mind I have called her fucking whore,devil,crazy woman etc.During 3-4 years now I have started to understand what she is and what she has been whole my life.I feel so angry but most of all I am building strong marriage with my husband…we keep our distance to her but she her shortly by daily.She lives alone dont want friends.Dont want to plan her future life with me…trying to have this conversation for years…she get angry if I say or suggest single thing for her life,advice health issues etc.so I finally tell her I have gave you all material you need to get support yourself when you need it…because you dont want my help and caring.I have got lot of self-help,understanding,strength to face her when I have to,be diplomatic…how to handdle her but still she goes under my skin because she has made it science.I am vety sympatic person so…dont like fights at least with her because it doesnt lead anywhere.I know she wants me to be alone,sad like she is and needing her one level or another.But her era to reign my life has ended long ago and time will come when I will live other country with my husband.God can look after her…also whole my life I have tried to bring social aspect,positive things praid relationship for my mother so she would feel love…but perhaps it is not men for her.She likes flowers and walking in nature,read Magazines and news.What ever makes her happy.What makes me happy or content not having her in my our life hanging like black cloud.No matter what dont allow your mother to destroy your whole life…she have destroyed so much already…pray Lord to help you heal yourself,get help and good person/people in your life…My mother’s presence in my life has changed real me a lot…what saves me was English language started at school when I was 9 years.For that language I build my positiveness with music,movies,books.In my mother tongue I express everyday life but all emotional issues feelings I express in English starting I love you…English is language with my husband.Blessed year 2022..May Lord protect you and remove harmful person,people in your life…heal you etc.
I deeply resent your focus on mothers. What about fathers? overly emotional fathers and adoptive fathers who have not dealt with their own emotional abuse and will not listen to anyone? what about the family that suffers from the anger and fear of being attacked at any moment and how that affects the relationship of those people? how about the manipulation aspect, the ability to charm others, the affect upon childrens’ minds before maturity? how about the man who makes his adopted daughter so afraid to lose his approval or respect that she rejects all others in need of validation? Does this not describe a narcissist with a martyr complex? How about some references that don’t involve the work SHE? I’m not a freudian practitioner, but I do believe that you are possibly playing into the approval that the male narcissist whom you know needs. How about a little He/she love? Or they/them. Yes I am a mother and yes I have suffered at the hands of a MALE narcissist with a martyr personality disorder. I have PTSD and so does my daughter an I have no outlet or support because he is so GD convincing and charming. I would appreciate it greatly if you would just not be lazy and with up your pronouns every once in a while. You sound unprofessional and like you have hatred for your mother . please add some help for those poor souls who suffer at the hands of manipulative, angry, controlling men, who also already get all of the benefits society offers to their gender. Please revise. please.
I’m trying to understand why you’re insulted…if this isn’t about you, what do you have to be insulted about? And concerning the pronouns, I specify at the beginning of the article that for purposes of simplicity and readability I will use the “she” pronoun when talking about a parent with a martyr complex. But this isn’t about a specific gender. Everything written here can be applied to fathers or stepfathers…
Article clearly states the use of she. I don’t understand your anger?? It can be applied to both genders, very easily.
I came across your article today and everything is my mother. I grew up never feeling liked or loved by my mother. I wasn’t her favorite, and I am still not. I’ve accepted it. I’ve gone to therapy on how to deal with her, because she’s never going to change. I have to. I’m 46 years old and it still upsets me. I’m the only child out of four that she hit, that she mentally and emotionally abused. While living back with my parents after my divorce, she hit my then seven year old child. She’s friends with people who molested me when I was younger on social media. I feel betrayed every time I think about her. Yet I’ve had to walk on eggshells around her to keep the peace, but I don’t feel peace inside. I feel so much anger. I’ve basically cut her off right now, but it still hurts me. I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I know I’ll never have a relationship with her. I just want to stop feeling so angry.
Hi Keren,
you know, it doesn’t matter how old you are. It’s OK to be upset about those things because they are deeply upsetting. To feel betrayed and rejected by your mother is very painful, and there’s no other way to put it. I know you’re angry. But I also know that underneath that anger is sorrow and pain. Your goal is to work through the anger to get to that pain.
You will get there. You’re on the right path. You’ve asked for help and you’re actively trying to work through these emotions. I can tell you’re a very strong person. There’s something about you that’s different and powerful. That’s why your mother always resented you, but not your siblings. Your very existence is a challenge to her because she can’t stand your light. Don’t let her dim who you are. Try like hell to release these painful energies. Try to let it go. I’m rooting for you and wishing you healing and peace 🙏
Beautiful reply, very helpful for those in the same position.
I found this article to be so healing and I’m so glad I read the comments because your reply resonated on a really profound level. Very moving.
Thank you for putting all of this out in the world—no doubt it will show up at precisely the moment someone else needs it. Such a powerful way to spread healing. Thank you.
Keen. I know exactly how you feel. I’m so angry and hurt at almost 50. When I’ve approached them about my feelings, my mother (and enabling father) have told me to just grow up and get over it. She is the Martyr and cannot see she has done a thing wrong, refuses to hear me, then becomes the victim, at which point to save him from her silent treatment and non stop ranting, my father takes her side. It’s affected my whole life. Everything I’ve read today on this subject has been almost a revelation as it was so hard to explain to anyone what she was like, what she said and did to me was so covert my father has no idea. I’ve told him some terrible things I’ve gone through, and she is so dominant, my father doesn’t seem to believe me, doesn’t want to hear it, or it’s dismissed. My siblings did not experience what I did… I was the oldest, so to try to speak to them is like hitting a wall. They don’t want to hear me anymore about it. I just want them all to realise. She continually back stabs criticises and belittles me to anyone who will listen, including trying to cause relationship problems when I’m happy. Stupid thing is, all I want is for her to say she’s sorry and she loves me. Never going to happen. I need lots of therapy to clear all the shit she’s piled onto me! Reading these articles today has eleviated some of that crap. It’s not you it’s her. It’s not me it’s her. Let’s keep healing
*Keren
I was nodding my head the entire time I was reading your reply. It’s taken me 51 years to finally figure out why I’ve never felt like I belonged. Anywhere. Why I’ve self harmed over the years. Where the self loathing has come from. And why I’ve been so physically ill for…oh…at least the last 35 years of my life!! I’ve been talking with a there who specializes in OCD and Trauma. She believes my mother has a severe personality disorder…no s***!!…and is narcissistic. Pretty much same for my father. My mother started taking me to doctor’s when I was FOUR. Trying to find something wrong with me?! I’ve since been in hospitals and doctor’s offices since my late teens. NO DOCTOR EVER FOUND ANYTHING PHYSICAL. My mom said to me that she truly doesn’t feel she’s EVER BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR…ANYTHING! She literally believes that everything wrong in HER LIFE…IS MY FAULT. I never know which mother I’m going to “get ” from day to day. Will she mock me today? Follow me…literally…to tell me what I’m doing wrong. Everything. I think I need to take a break. I’m completely bewildered right now, knowing I can’t trust my own mom. It’s sickening. All the best to YOU though! 🙂🥰
Hi Karen. I just came here to say that I am in a similar situation as you with my mother. I am the second of her 4 kids, and I got the brunt of most of her anger and abuse growing up because I was the only kid not afraid to confront her bullshit. This article explains her behavior and our relationship extremely well. I was also sexually assaulted by one of her friends, and she still hangs out with him every week regardless of what he did to me. She has also blamed me for the assault and then told me on multiple occasions that he is a better person than me (just for confronting her with my feelings). She has never apologized for that and continuously lies to me about him even when I don’t ask. Whenever I confront her about anything, she goes into martyr mode and starts down her list of all the things she has done and all the sacrifices she has made, completely turning herself into the victim. It’s like the article says, these parents don’t see that they are doing anything wrong, so the chances of them changing are slim to none. Our best bet is to emotionally cut ourselves off from these types parents. That doesn’t mean you can’t have contact with them, but it does mean that your relationship will only be surface level, not deep. It’s hard and it hurts a lot because these are people that we love and are supposed to love us, but I don’t see another way forward without also sacrificing your own sanity and happiness in life.
Sorry for the misspelled name Keren!
Thank you. My mother has been acting like a martyr narcissist for many years. The guilt is overwhelming and I try to give her gifts and reassurance but they are never enough. I will be 47 in April. When I was 4, she had anger issues, alcohol and drug issues, divorced my kind father and took me to live with her abusive girlfriend. The lady was absolutely awful and I am working with a therapist to clear the issues, from ages 5 to 10, starving me, beating me, always threatening me and bullying me until I moved out at 19.. And now, mom is 70, happy and retired and lives an hour away. I work in healthcare, have a dog and great friends but, am still conscious of the abuse from long ago. And my mother plays the martyr every time I bring it up and she rages. Or if I now need tlc or care for my early onset arthritis, she says her pain is so much worse..and goes on about it… so now I get triggered and angry! Should I get your ebook even though I don’t have kids? The toxic grandparent” or might you write one about martyr moms? Thank you. This article really helps me put more pieces of the puzzle together. Chrissy
Hi Chrissy!
I’m so sorry for what you had to go through as a child. But I’m glad that you’re putting the pieces of the puzzle together and untying some toxic knots from your past. This is truly sacred work. I know it’s hard to deal with a martyr narcissist, especially when it’s your mother. The guilt must be crippling. But I believe in you! Keep learning and growing, and it will get better. As for the book, I’d like to think that it has something for everyone, though it is specific to toxic grandparents. Maybe I’ll write one about martyr moms, as you suggested 🙂
Lana
This article has lifted such a weight off of my shoulders. I can finally put a name to all of the things that I have always felt from my mother. At 32, I finally recognize that it is not me, it is her and I need to stop feeling like a horrible person whenever I call her on her lies. I can finally learn how to stop showering her with expensive gifts that I can hardly afford in order to pacify her for a fleeting moment before she reverts back to her guilt-tripping about how hard it was to be a single mother and how long-suffering her life has been. Now that my dad has fallen ill – she has gotten worse. Despite him literally working himself almost to death to give her a cushy life since they remarried, hence his current condition, she blames him for everything. Constantly complaining about how little she has, how hard her life has been, how she sacrifices and does so much for everyone but has this horrible life. It is exhausting, emotionally and financially draining, and I am sincerely at my wit’s end. Thank you so much for this insight and this resource to start to reimagine my relationship with her, as I adjust the way I respond to her. I hope you write a book about this one day – I cannot wait to read it. Thanks again!
Hello Mary,
thanks so much for your kind words. I would love to write a book about this someday ))
More importantly, I’m so happy about the progress you’ve made! Now that you understand your mother better and see beyond the image she projects, you can start redirecting your energy into more useful places than seeking your mother’s fleeting approval or gratitude. It’s OK to still be thankful to her, of course. But at the same time, being thankful doesn’t mean allowing her to manipulate you with guilt and drain your resources. I love how you put it – “I can start to reimagine my relationship with her.” That’s exactly it! Wishing you peace, happiness, and healing 🙏
I’m 16 and my mom has done this and many other things over the past 5 years. I have a custody hearing coming up, but I’m scared I’ll lose because she always manages to twist my words and make me look stupid. If I lose the hearing, is there any way out?
Thank you, this article has helped me open my eyes to issues I didn’t even know were issues.
Thank you for writing this. After years of not understanding why it was so difficult to communicate with my mother the “guilt tripper” I now have a diagnosis for her behaviors. I try to limit my contact with her but my sister is struggling as our mom watches my 8 month old nephew. Is there any advice on how to communicate with her or get her to realize she needs psychological help?
Hi Tracy,
That’s very tricky. I had a similar realization about someone in my family. But after that “Aha!” moment comes the “What now?” moment where you’re not really sure what to do with this information.
From my personal experience, narcissists react very poorly when you try to tell them that there’s something wrong with them and they need help. I mean…extremely poorly! Then you have the martyr complex that makes them feel even more like they’re right, and everyone else is wrong.
So if you (or your sister) confront your mom, she’s likely to feel like a victim of a sudden and inexplicable attack from her own children. So it would kind of make her feel like a martyr even more…
From my perspective, it’s not hopeless, but it won’t get much better either. You can try to communicate with her, gently, without accusing her of anything. You can try to suggest that there are other ways to handle emotions or people. But I think the most you can hope for is setting boundaries with her, and making sure she doesn’t cross them. These boundaries have to be communicated as clearly and as specifically as possible so there’s no confusion what they are.
Plus, I think just knowing what she is helps a lot. It helps not to take things personally, not to fall into the guilt trip, not to get sucked into the drama… You’ve created distance physically, by limiting contact. That’s good. Now create distance *emotionally* so even when you’re around her, she can’t reach you, she can’t manipulate you into feeling bad or guilty or ashamed.
Lana
Thank you for this. I did not have the words to describe what is happening and what I have been feeling. This is my mom and now that she’s diagnosed with mental issues there is so much guilt tripping by her, her siblings and my brother for me to move back home to care for her. I AM a single mom of 3 ( recently separated from spouse) and running my own business and the environment just depletes my children ( we lived there for a few months after husband left) I feel the need to protect them because I see them retreating inside themselves but my mother just says how I am just trying to hurt her and she worked so hard to build a home and why can’t I move in. My relatives chime in and I am the ungrateful daughter ( my parents have 2 of us. ) who won’t come to take care of the mom who has done so much for her. I AM 37yrs old and just want to care for my children in as stable an environment as possible. This is so hard!
Kay,
you are right to feel this way. No one should have the guilt and the pressure to take care of a mentally ill parent while trying to rebuild her own life, and take care of 3 kids of her own! This is a lot to deal with.
It’s always difficult when a narcissistic parent becomes older, or sicker. Then it often becomes a game of “hot potato” with the siblings who are being forced in to a caregiver position to the parent they have a strained relationship with…
You’re a very strong woman, Kay, and I have no doubt that you have what it takes to do what’s right for your children and for you. There are other ways to care for a parent besides moving in with her, especially when you know it’ll have a negative impact on your children.
Sincerely,
Lana