Do you want to feel more powerful around your toxic or narcissistic mother-in-law? Then the change must start with you. This article describes 9 ways you can shift that power dynamic and reclaim control over your life.
All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
Leo Tolstoy
After reading hundreds of stories about toxic mothers-in-law, I’ve made a startling discovery: each story is different and heartbreaking in its own way, but there is an underlying thread connecting them all: a daughter-in-law often feels powerless in that relationship.
She feels defeated, rejected, tormented, trapped even, and unable to change the situation that’s causing her so much grief.
If you have a toxic mother-in-law that makes you miserable, you might say something like this from time to time:
She makes me feel… (so angry/crazy/bad about myself)
She forces me to…
I have no choice.
She did this to me.
There’s nothing I can do.
I just want to give up.
Eventually, your marriage becomes affected too. So on top of a toxic in-law relationship, you are dealing with strife in your personal one.
Sounds familiar? You may not be referring to yourself as the “v” word (victim) yet, but subconsciously you already gave your power away to your mother-in-law.
So how do you get it back? Here are 9 ways to feel more powerful around your toxic mother-in-law and reclaim control over your life.
1. Stop complaining
I used to relish the opportunity to complain to my husband about his mother. Every time I had a spat with the woman, I would wait for the perfect moment when I had his ear, and then tell the story in vivid detail, making sure to paint her in the darkest colors possible.
Sure, I loved getting validation from him that yes, she is crazy/evil, and I’m right to be irritated (upset, angry).
But complaining is just another ego game that leads you to total disempowerment.
You feel righteous and victimized. But the flip side of that coin is, you believe that you have no power in the matter.
And because you have no power, you also fail to take any responsibility for yourself and your feelings. This brings me to my next point.
2. Accept responsibility for how you feel
Even if you think that you’re right and she’s wrong (duh…isn’t she always?) and you’re entitled to feel a certain way, take responsibility for your feelings.
Recognize that on some level you choose to feel this way. No matter what your mother-in-law does or says, you still have a choice in your emotional response.
You’re only human, of course. Sometimes you will just react without thinking, or even snap.
But having a willingness to look at your emotions as possibilities, not inevitabilities — that’s life-changing and yes, very empowering. To do that you need to…
3. Identify your triggers
We all have triggers, and toxic mothers-in-law are experts at finding them.
Like a tenacious hungry pig sniffing out the truffles, she senses your “hot buttons” and pushes on them with an expression of innocent delight on her face. One off-hand comment and you’re in a tailspin of anxiety, insecurity, or anger. Not very powerful, is it?
The good news is, once you identify your triggers, they become much more manageable. So what triggers you?
Perhaps, it’s when your mother-in-law is critical of you. Or when she’s dismissive of you. Or when she’s trying to control you.
Then ask yourself: Why am I triggered by that? What past experience or childhood trauma is the blueprint of that trigger?
Be as honest as possible, and with time you will be able to “disarm” your triggers.
4. Establish boundaries
Just like an unruly kid needs discipline and curfew, a toxic mother-in-law needs boundaries.
Without boundaries, your in-law will take every opportunity to invade your space, ask prying questions, meddle in your personal matters, or steamroll you with surprising vigor and determination.
Boundaries safeguard your life from crumbling into chaos. Yet, many daughters-in-law fail to establish boundaries with their pushy mothers-in-law, in the spirit of being “nice” and keeping the peace.
But it’s never too late!
When establishing your boundaries, keep these tips in mind.
7 Tips for Setting Boundaries with Your Toxic Mother-in-Law
- Be firm and unapologetic. You’re not asking for a favor, you’re protecting yourself and your family.
- Be polite. No need to turn this into a fight or give her more ammunition against you.
- Be specific — a vague boundary won’t work.
- Don’t justify it if you get questions or derisive comments. It’s your boundary, not hers. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you.
- Set the consequences for breaking a boundary. This is arguably the most important part that many people forget. There have to be concrete consequences or it’s pointless.
- Follow through with the consequences when the boundary is crossed. Notice how I said “when” not “if.” Your toxic mother-in-law will test your boundaries many times. Keep calm and follow through.
- Pick your battles. If you can’t avoid contact with your in-law, you have to figure out a way to coexist and still keep your sanity. So don’t sweat the small stuff but stand up for what’s really important to you.
For example: “We’d appreciate it if you let us know in advance you wanted to come over, just to make sure that we’re home and it’s a good time for a visit. Otherwise, we may not be able to spend time with you.”
So the next time she comes over unannounced, apologize and say you have to leave because you’ve made plans. Then repeat the boundary, and follow through with the consequences each time she breaks it.
I know this sounds exhausting but that’s the only way unless you’re willing to sacrifice your mental wellbeing.
5. Put the focus back on yourself
You have to realize something: it’s not about her; it’s about you.
I’ll repeat: it was never EVER about her. This is your hero’s journey, your archetypal quest.
The more you focus on your mother-in-law and all the negative things she does, the less space you have in your life for the good things.
If you spend all your energy having mental arguments with your MIL and feeling sorry for yourself, how are you going to become the great person you are meant to be?
Don’t get me wrong, you’re already great. But you do have aspirations, right? Some hopes and dreams for the future? Something you always wanted to do?
Then stop dumping all your precious energy into that toxic cesspool and direct it towards your creative pursuits, professional achievements, or anything else that makes you feel glad to be alive.
6. Work on your confidence
A self-assured woman is rarely bothered by a toxic mother-in-law (or anyone else for that matter) because she doesn’t put much stock in what other people think of her.
If you try to undermine her, she will either put you in your place or ignore you because she doesn’t need your approval. She knows who she is and if you don’t like it, bye Felicia!
Toxic mother-in-law’s antics get to you because deep down you may feel insecure and still seek her approval. In most cases, it’s the insecurity that causes an emotional reaction, a.k.a. “hurt feelings.”
So it’s time to start loving yourself more. Self-love is the most powerful thing there is.
7. Stop trying to please her
Trying to please someone is a sure way to let them have total control over you. Although some degree of compromise is healthy in any relationship, when you’re dealing with a toxic person, your compromise is taken as a weakness and as permission to abuse you.
So, spoiler alert: no matter how much you try to please your toxic mother-in-law, you will never succeed. You may gain some temporary favor when you dance to her tune, but it will evaporate the second you assert your limits.
Because she already decided how she feels about you.
If you want to do something nice for her — do it. But do it because that’s who you are, not because you’re secretly hoping she’ll like you more. That way you have the power, not her.
8. Have a laugh
This may sound strange but a sense of humor is a very powerful quality!
It can transform even the most upsetting moment into an amusing debacle that has lost its impact.
Laughter can relieve the stress of dealing with a toxic mother-in-law and help you look at a situation from a lighter, emotionally neutral perspective.
This is one of the best mind hacks for dealing with toxic people. Finding humor in their attempts to rattle you is incredibly empowering, and it is a good reminder that nothing in life should be taken too seriously.
Especially not mothers-in-law! That’s why there are so many mother-in-law jokes.
9. Learn from her
I don’t mean — learn her methods so you can be like her.
But I assure you, your toxic mother-in-law has a lot to teach you!
Even if you don’t subscribe to the idea that every encounter in life is embedded with spiritual lessons, there are still some observable benefits you can gain.
For example, you can learn more about toxic people — how they operate, how they think, what makes them tick…
This is valuable information because — don’t shoot the messenger! — your toxic mother-in-law is not the only difficult person you’re going to come across in your life.
You might have a narcissistic boss, a “fake” friend, an emotionally abusive sibling, an annoying neighbor… After being exposed to your mother-in-law, you’ll develop a radar for toxic people. It’ll be easier for you to deal with them or to keep them at a distance.
Knowledge is power, my friend!
Feeling More Powerful Yet?
In this article, I wanted to show you that the power dynamic between you and your difficult mother-in-law is not set in stone. You can affect it by changing how you approach the situation.
Some changes are behavioral, others are psychological or attitudinal. You can pick one and start implementing it slowly. Or you can go all in.
Whatever your approach, remember that you have more power than you think.
Even if you feel completely powerless, your mother-in-law cannot control what you think or how you choose to conduct yourself. This is the seat of your power: the power of choice.
As Viktor Frankl said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms— to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Choose your own way, and you will feel more powerful not just with your toxic mother-in-law, but with anyone you encounter.
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Why You Shouldn’t Accept Gifts from Your Toxic Mother-in-Law
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