Is your mother-in-law getting on your last nerve?
Do you find yourself having mental arguments with her long after she’s gone?
Do you constantly think about the things you’d like to say to her?
If that’s the case, you are a ticking time bomb about to explode.
You’ve held your tongue for too long. The next time she steps over the line, you might just give her a piece of your mind.
So if you were to be more direct with your mother-in-law, what would you say?
To help you out, here is a list of the top 10 things daughters-in-law want to say to their mothers-in-law.
1. I am capable of making my own decisions
Ah, classic. Toxic mothers-in-law give advice by the bucket, simply because they think you need it. So their advice always has a pinch (or a pound) of insult to it.
It’s a passive-aggressive way to criticize you while maintaining the facade of being helpful. So here’s the breakdown, dear mom:
A little advice can be helpful when it’s asked for. But inserting your opinion into everything I do without any prompting from me is insulting and meddlesome.
The desire to give advice is itself a symptom of disapproval; and further, it is usually the result of a desire to express that disapproval. — JOHN WILLIAM MACKAIL, “On Giving Advice”
2. This is none of your business
Toxic mothers-in-law looooooooove being all up in your business. Set the record straight:
Be it my marital disputes, my clothes, hairstyle, tattoos, financial status, religion, or lack thereof – this is none of your business.
Discussing it with me, my husband or anyone else is simply out of line. Quit sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong!
3. Please call or text before coming over
The woman has no manners. You wouldn’t dream of coming to her house unannounced, yet she has no regard for your time and space. So here’s the spoiler alert:
If you think that the best way to visit our family is to barge in unexpectedly when the dishes are piled up in a sink, the kids are running amok and my hair is tied in a greasy bun atop my tired mascara-less face, don’t be offended when you’re not welcomed with open arms.
4. Stop fussing over my husband
She’s his mom but come on! Codependent much? Here’s the deal:
I know that to you he will always be that cute little boy that used to run around naked in your living room, but he is a grown man now.
Treating him like a baby may take you back to happier times but it’s actually detrimental to his marriage and life in general.
Instead of attending to his every whim as if he was helpless, encourage him to take initiative. He’s perfectly capable of washing dishes or doing a load of laundry!
5. It hurt my feelings
For many people saying these 4 little words is the hardest thing of all.
We are so invested in projecting an impenetrable armor to the world around us, that we became completely out of touch with our emotions.
I bet your mother-in-law hurts your feelings a lot. Do you ever tell her that? How about:
I know you don’t like me but it doesn’t give you the right to talk down to me, belittle me, or otherwise hurt my feelings.
Or: Your passive-aggressive remarks are just as hurtful as open insults. And when you say things like that, it’s hard for me to be around you.
6. My kid, my choice
This one can be really triggering because it’s about our children. Keep calm and carry on dropping truth bombs. Listen here, mother-in-law:
You may not agree with how I raise my child. You may think it silly. That’s OK because you are entitled to your opinion. Just keep it to yourself, mkay?
Or: I respect your age and experience but what you did as a mother doesn’t concern me. I am the mother now and I will make all parental decisions together with my husband, and no one else.
7. Talk to me, not about me
No one’s perfect. we all have struggles, baggage, and devastating personal flaws. But talking badly about someone behind their back is never the right move. Here’s the deal:
If you have an issue with me, talk to me about it. Bring it up (politely) when we’re alone and I promise you, I will be open to your feedback.
And I will have so much more respect for you as a person.
8. Don’t clean or rearrange my house
Just like unsolicited advice, unsolicited help (especially with the household) is just another veiled insult. Yet how often do we call out our intrusive mothers-in-law on that? She’s just helping, right? So here’s the rub:
I know you think that you are helping but you’re not. I may not be a natural housekeeper, but I do a lot for my family, and it’s my house, even if it doesn’t seem clean or organized to you.
Unless I explicitly ask you to help, don’t force your help on me. And stay out of my fridge!
9. Accept me for who I am
We’re not supposed to want people’s approval or acceptance but we do. We are all hardwired this way. Feeling rejected stings, even as you understand that you can’t be loved and accepted by everyone.
So if I’m being honest, mother-in-law, I’m tired of trying to please you, and still feeling like you’ll never accept me for who I am.
I am not the same as you. I grew up in a different time and environment. I have different views, tastes, dreams, aspirations.
It doesn’t mean that I’m not as good as you or that you have to try to change me into who you want me to be.
10. Stop acting holier than thou
Is your toxic mother-in-law religious? Then this one’s for you.
You like to toast to the family at dinners. You speak of how important family is, especially when a lot of people are listening. You say that God wants us to be close, to love and support each other, to go to events and religious services together.
You talk the talk but you don’t walk the walk.
If you were truly a woman of God, you’d show it with your actions.
You would not be bashing me to anyone who’d listen. You would not be disrespecting my choices as a wife and mother. You would not be quietly hoping for me to fail so you can say: told you so.
We are a family; act like it.
Overcoming the Fear of Speaking Up
Let’s face it…most of us have a fear of speaking up and causing a conflict.
We would rather swallow our feelings and pretend we’re fine than risk an uncomfortable confrontation. We’re also afraid of saying something wrong.
The fear of speaking up is very common in women.
A recent study from the University of Cambridge found that women are 2,5 times less likely to ask questions in academic settings than men.
Another study reports that men dominate 75% of discussions during business meetings. Women prefer to stay silent for fear of being wrong or not having anything significant to say.
But the fear of speaking up isn’t limited to the workplace. We exhibit the same pattern of behavior with our friends and family.
It’s an automated response because we are bred to be nice, prim, agreeable doormats will smiles plastered on our faces even when we have level-10 cramps.
But if you want to stop being the yes-woman and start letting people know the real you, you’ve got to find the courage to speak up.
Speaking Up to Your Mother-in-Law
When it comes to speaking up to your difficult mother-in-law (or any toxic or narcissistic person in your life), I find that one of the most common fears people have is: Nothing will change if I speak up.
She’s not going to listen to me, so why bother?
Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever wanted to say something but then talked yourself out of it by saying “nothing will change”?
I’m here to tell you that something WILL change if you speak up: YOU.
Every time you speak up, YOU change. Every time you say what you need to say – clearly and calmly – you take another step towards confidence, authenticity, and self-worth.
Her reaction is inconsequential.
In fact, your goal with speaking up isn’t to change her mind or control her behavior. Your goal is to speak your truth. Nothing more, nothing less.
If you practice speaking your truth, your strength and self-respect will grow.
Nothing is more powerful or more liberating than speaking your truth!
Even if your mother-in-law persists, you will be taking your power back and feeling stronger every time you speak up.
Use your own judgment when to speak up, and on what matters. I’d say: stick to issues that are truly important to you. Let the small things go.
Continue to set boundaries and work on yourself, using the toxic person as the catalyst for your emotional and spiritual growth.
And remember: like anything else, losing the fear of speaking up is a process. You take small steps, gain confidence, then take bigger steps. It will get easier the more you practice it.
Don’t give up! You got this.
NEXT
The Silver Lining: How Writing About My Toxic Mother-in-Law Changed My Life
7 Eye-Opening Books About Toxic People You Need to Read Right NOW
Why You Shouldn’t Accept Gifts from Your Toxic Mother-in-Law
I definitely feel the being afraid to communicate. My husband has put up with a lot of passive aggressive behavior, emotional manipulation and abuse, etc from his mom and sister. After we got married, I started recognizing the favoritism towards his sister and the offhanded comments and feeling his hurts in them. At one point after our oldest was born, we pointed out the relationship was getting worse not better. I backed up my husband in agreeing that I saw what he was pointing out. 6 months later after receiving the silent treatment, she told my husband i wasn’t safe because I said she was a horrible mom (he was there and said I never said it. She translated what I said into that). They then proceeded to have a huge argument over the phone. Then that same day, his sister showed up unannounced and verbally attacked me and hubby in front of her kids and mine (and I was 34 weeks pregnant). We refuse to be alone with his sister now and the family is acting like nothing happened. To say I’m afraid to communicate is an understatement. I don’t know how to heal to stand up for me and my family. Having to be around them makes me feel sick and panicky. Also afraid to say no to being around them. It sucks.
I had three toxic MILs and three subsequent divorces. All three of my exes grew up with alcoholic, abusive fathers/ stepfathers. So their mothers had to do everything to run the show. All three saw me as lazy and not good enough despite my dehabilitating medical and mental health conditions I experienced throughout the years. Now I’m disabled at age 49. Meanwhile those women always “suffered more and had it worse than anyone else.” My own mom died of a ruptered stomach and ulcers at age 62. None of my ex-MILs experienced that. My mom and her remaining family had lived through the Holocaust and the Third Reich, which had killed her grandfather. They also survived World War II in Germany. My ex-MILs all grew up here in America and had intact families. None of them were Jewish. Yet the MILs’ drama, their theater, had destroyed their sons and my three marriages. Their controlling, manipulative, jealous, bitter behavior got them what they each desired: Their sons to themselves again. Like that old saying goes: “You don’t just marry your spouse, you marry the whole family.”
As for me, I quietly go on in my life now, free of drama, free of theater, free of breakdowns which had landed me in the psych wards long ago. I am still in therapy for PTSD. I wish that my ex-MILs would seek therapy themselves. But that’s something they have to want to do. It’s not up to me. It’s not up to their sons. It’s up to them themselves, but all three live in denial, still proud of being the “supermoms”, and still victimized themselves by their abusive and negligent spouses/ ex-spouses of long ago. What a mess. I prefer the quieter route, and I survived three failed marriages. I’ve stated the facts, and I continue in my recovery from alcoholism (13 years and counting) and from co-dependency from toxic relationships of any kind. It feels good to cut them out of my life.
My heart goes out to anyone who is still dealing with such situations in their lives.
My mother in law is not speaking to me or my husband because we aren’t getting the jab. She went as far as to put something dramatic on my Facebook wall about being an anti vaxxer. I am not by any means. She then proceeded to use Facebook as her tool to passive aggressively apologize. I then sent a group text to her, my FIL and my husband kindly addressing her bad behavior. I asked her to call and please speak with us privately. I never got a response from her/ instead she blocked me on Facebook and still has yet to reach out to me or my husband.
So my next step. I spoke to my father in law and told him she is now on a NO CONTACT with me what so ever. She can’t be polite and respectful to me- then she is now not welcome in my home or around my family till she can get her mental health in check.
Sorry not sorry. She can go screw till further notice.
Kuddos on being assertive! When communication is so toxic, sometimes there’s nothing left but no contact.
The first time I met my mil to be she told me I would never do anything to please her. A promise she has kept! She has done everything she can to pull my husband and me apart. When she called me yesterday to tell me how I have destroyed their family and ruin my husband I told her that I was not going to sit here at my desk at work and listen to her berate me. And I told her I was hanging up and I hope she had a better day. Then she calls my husband and tells him what kind of person hangs up on somebody and how terrible I am for hanging up because she was only telling me her feelings. Next week we will be married for 35 years. Haven’t seen her for six years and I don’t plan to ever see her again I’m going to stand up for myself. When my son died she drag my husband into the kitchen to tell him she was not getting enough attention. At the cemetery she cornered the preacher to tell him how terrible we were. Somethings just can’t be forgiven.
Em, I am so sorry to read about your son and how your mother in law has been towards you. That must of been so difficult and it’s definitely something you can never forget. I’ve got a toxic mother in law and just getting round to standing up for myself. Stay strong and keep reminding yourself that it’s her issue, not yours. Sending positive hugs to you xx
My mil is very very toxic.
She would say nasty and hurtful remarks when no one was around, hoping that I’d mention it and then she could play the victim.
So I ignored her.
She hated that I refused to give her a reaction.
She decided to humiliate me in front of others by giving me the silent treatment, very obviously in front of others, as if I had hurt her.
When my husband inquired, she’d reply “Nothing is going on. Your wife is always looking to cause trouble.”
Toxic Mil got her reaction from me.
She double-downed by talking poorly of me to my husband. When I confronted her, she refused to talk to me and actually accused me of bullying her!
So I stood up to her and told her that her silent treatment was abusive, manipulative and sooooo hurtful.
Boom! She never talked to me again! Yes!!!!!!!
And she cut her son off and vowed never to talk to him again bc I was bullying her with my stance that her silent treatment was hurtful. Yes!!!!!!
It’s been 8 YEARS of bliss.
She thinks she is hurting us with her silent treatment. My husband is her only child. Our children are her only grandchildren.
My family is intact. Hers is not. She thinks she won…..but what did she win?
I, on the other hand, won a life free from her meddling, her pettiness, her triangulation.
My marriage is stronger than ever, my husband is thrilled that his mom cut him off so he feels zero guilt for being No Contact with her, and my kids are grateful that family time is always fun time.
Thanks for these articles!!
Hi Sunny!
wow, it seems like no contact with your MIL is really working out for you. Usually, people go back and forth all the time, but you were able to distance yourself from a toxic individual in a way that didn’t have a negative effect on your family. Congrats! I also liked that you confronted her about the silent treatment.
All the best to you and your family!
Lana