Do you know someone who’s always playing the victim? Someone who never takes responsibility for their actions?

Then you know how exhausting it can be to listen to their endless tales of woe and feel a mixture of pity and frustration.

Bad things just constantly happen to them, don’t they? And no matter how hard you try to help, the person playing the victim refuses to do or change anything. It’s as if they are determined to remain in a state of victimhood.

So how do you deal with someone like that? Before we dive into that, let’s look at two types of the victim mindset.

Two Types of Victim Mentality

We can all fall into a victim mentality from time to time. But some people truly embody their “woe is me” persona.

Not only are they never responsible for their actions, but they also actively look to shift blame onto someone else. This behavior is particularly typical of narcissists, gaslighters, manipulators, and other toxic people.

However, it’s important to make the distinction between those who’ve truly been victimized or traumatized, and those who are playing the victim in order to manipulate or elicit guilt.

The first type of individuals with victim mentality experience profound powerlessness that isn’t intentional or malicious. They don’t like feeling this way, but can’t see any way to change that.

The second type shifts into the victim mode whenever someone questions their motives or behavior.

So their “victimhood” is manufactured and situational. This type of victim-playing is most destructive for the people around them.

So how do you deal with someone who insists on playing the victim whenever they get in trouble? Here are a few things you can do to shut down those “poor me” manipulators.

How to Deal With Someone Who’s Always Playing the Victim

The victim mentality is pretty ingrained. Meaning, people who habitually play the victim don’t change. That’s their preferred MO. They’ve perfected it over the years and it’s been serving them well.

So with that in mind, here are some simple ways you can handle someone who always plays the “woe is me” card.

1. Don’t get emotionally involved

Listen with empathy, but don’t let yourself get sucked into the drama. No taking sides, and no getting emotional!

Remember: this isn’t real. It’s just their way of getting pity and attention or justifying their own behavior.

Pretending to be the victim has its benefits. People who habitually play victims know that.

2. Don’t volunteer to be the “savior”

It may be natural for you to jump into the fixer mode when you see someone struggling. But this isn’t that.

You won’t fix the situation because whoever’s playing the victim doesn’t want you to fix anything.

They pretend to be helpless and innocent, but they’re only interested in complaining. When you offer solutions, they just shut them down.

I have a friend like that. She’s not a close friend but we do have long talks whenever I see her. The scenario is always the same: she tells me everything that’s wrong in her life, and I try to brainstorm the solutions. Here’s her answer to any suggestion I make: “Yes, but…”

3. Set time boundaries

Listening to someone complain can be extremely exhausting. So there must be a time limit, or they’ll suck you dry.

We all have a family member or a friend who likes to complain and thinks everyone is against them. Before they even approach you, you can feel a black cloud over their head.

When it’s someone close, it’s not easy to set boundaries. You might feel like it’s rude or insensitive. But it’s absolutely essential that you set time limits!

If you give in and listen to their endless tales of misery and injustice, you’ll end up depleting your own energy. It may even affect your mood or stress level. And stress kills!

So instead of putting their needs first, prioritize yours. Set a time limit — no more than 5 minutes. Then excuse yourself and leave. Or change the topic.

4. Change the topic

Redirect the conversation to something more positive or neutral. Again, this may feel like you’re being insensitive or cold, especially when the “victim” is someone close to you.

But think about it: you’re not doing them any favors by allowing them to indulge in negativity. You’re only reaffirming their distorted view of reality, and encouraging codependency.

So keep it light, and more importantly, keep it short. Listen for a little while. Then say something like: “Sorry to hear that. I do hope the situation gets better for you. Not to change the topic but did you see the fireworks last night?”

5. Avoid direct accusations or name-calling

Whether you’re dealing with a “genuine” victim or someone who plays one, calling them names or staging a direct confrontation will only make them defensive.

You might be better off getting your point across in a more subtle manner.

For example, instead of saying “You’re always playing the victim!” you might say: “Well, we’ve talked enough about the problems. Let’s try to figure out the solutions.” Or: “What would you like to see happen?”

The victim mindset is a loop. It sort of goes on and on until something interrupts it. By asking gentle guiding questions you’ll be able to steer the conversation away from victimhood.

6. Create a distance

When you’re spending a lot of time around someone with a victim mentality, it’s bound to take a toll on you.

You may end up feeling exhausted, depressed, anxious, frustrated, and even physically sick.

You may ignore these symptoms at first, and try to power through them. But sooner or later you’ll realize that you need to take a serious step back and limit your exposure to the “victim.”

Creating space or distance means not just setting time limits when you are around the person playing the victim. It means taking a break from a relationship in order to recharge and practice self-care.

7. Let go of the relationship

When you have someone in your life who always plays the victim, at some point you may reach your breaking point.

It’s hard (if not impossible) to be in a relationship with someone who never takes any responsibility for their actions, making you out to be the bad guy. No matter what happens, you end up apologizing to them and pushing your needs aside.

It may take you a while to realize what’s happening though. Whoever is playing the victim is skilled at manipulating other people’s perceptions of them.

They might play the “old” card, the “sick” card, the “depressed” card, the “unlucky” card…Anything to make you feel too guilty to confront them, or question their motives.

So when you do start to see through the veil of deception, it may be time to let them go.

What If I’m The One Who’s Always Playing the Victim?

Do you feel trapped or unappreciated at work? Do you have to deal with a difficult boss or an annoying colleague?

Did your spouse turn out to be someone you dislike? Do your kids constantly disappoint you? Are you friends with worthless unreliable flakes? Do you think the world is an unfair and cruel place that punishes good people like you?

Then you might be the one who’s playing the victim.

The role of a victim, or a martyr, offers many psychological rewards. It allows you to

• evade responsibility for your actions;
• get sympathy and support from others;
• make people feel guilty;
• manipulate people into giving you what you want;
• always feel right;
• judge others for not being compassionate enough;
• have an excuse for never making a meaningful change.

Although playing the victim offers immediate and tangible rewards, there is long-term damage to your relationships, mental well-being, and life quality in general.

Because as long as you’re playing the victim, your life will remain exactly the same.

Same behavior = same results.

The dissatisfaction you feel will stay with you for as long as you believe that you’re the victim of the circumstances or other people’s ill will.

When you’re innocent and everyone else is to blame, you’re not just giving up your accountability. You’re also giving up your power.

Is the gain worth the loss?

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