Family is everything.

How many times have you heard this phrase? Many times, I bet.

As a culture, we idealize family.

Family means closeness, love, support, loyalty, and a deep connection to our roots.

When we say of a friend “She/he is like family to me,” we mean to say that they have entered our inner circle.

But not everyone grew up in a close-knit, loving family.

Some of you had a distinct (dis)pleasure of growing up with an abusive or narcissistic mother.

This means that you grew up anticipating and satisfying your mother’s numerous emotional needs, and feeling like you can never measure up to her insane standards.

And although you’ve tolerated her abuses for most of your life, now that you have children, things are different.

Having children changes you.

It can give you insights into your own childhood, and help you recognize that the things you experienced as a child were not normal. It can help you heal, too.

But it also puts you face-to-face with a sometimes impossible choice:

Do I let my narcissistic mother around my children?

This is a sensitive subject.

I find that people get emotional and defensive whenever the topic of no contact with grandparents comes up.

And there are always a few grandparents in the mix who feel that they are being attacked. To them, I propose all grandchildren be taken away from all grandparents immediately, and be kept away, forever and ever.

The very idea that a grandparent can be toxic, and shouldn’t be allowed contact with the grandchildren is intolerable to some people.

And I understand that sentiment. Having grandparents is a wonderful, enriching experience, just like having aunts, uncles, cousins…You want your kids to enjoy an extended family.

But what’s the real price of having a narcissistic grandmother in your child’s life? Is she harmless or will she cause your children the same pain she inflicted on you (or your partner)?

For a more in-depth look at the damage a narcissistic grandmother can inflict on her grandchildren, read 10 Ways a Narcissistic Grandmother Can Harm Your Children

How do I know if no contact is the right choice?

I wish there was a clear-cut answer to that question, but dealing with narcissistic grandmothers is usually messy and complicated, with multiple family members chiming in on the situation, and mudding the water even more.

The only way you can stay grounded is by trusting your gut, having a united front with your partner, putting your personal feelings aside, and focusing on your children’s best interests.

In other words, how you approach that dilemma depends on how you, as parents, define your children’s highest good.

If you feel like it’s important to have every grandparent and relative around, no matter the merits of their personality, as long as they’re family — then, by all means, let your narcissistic mother take a stab at being a good grandmother.

This is a valid choice for some families, provided the parents exercise control and vigilance, especially when it comes to unsupervised time with a narcissistic grandparent.

However, if you believe that a narcissistic grandmother can and does cause serious damage to your children, you might be considering going no contact with her. This is a proper choice:

• in severe cases of narcissism or another mental disorder;
• in cases that involve a history of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse;
• with narcissistic grandmothers who suffer from long-term alcohol or substance abuse;
• whenever both parents find the narcissistic grandmother’s behavior intolerable or damaging to their kids.

Every family is different. What’s acceptable to some would be a deal-breaker to others. So it all boils down to what you and your partner find intolerable.

Going no contact with a narcissistic grandmother

Before going no contact with a narcissistic grandmother, there is one thing you need to understand: this isn’t going to be easy, and this isn’t going to be pleasant.

But if you’re determined to remove a malignant, narcissistic grandmother from your children’s lives, follow these steps:

1. Write a letter informing of your decision to cut ties

You can be as detailed or as brief as you’d like to be. If you’re sending it through mail, make it a registered letter to confirm receipt.

You can also simply place a call, send an email or a text, or skip the announcement altogether.

But the letter makes it more official, and in case you’ll ever need to involve the legal system, you’ll have proof of your intent to go No Contact.

Here is a basic template you can use for a no-contact letter.

Dear Mom,

I’m writing to inform you that as of today, I’m ceasing all forms of contact with you, and I’m requesting you to do the same. Do not contact me, my spouse, or my children via calls, texts, social media, email, in person, through family members, friends, or by any other means.

Please understand that I’m not writing this out of anger. I have thought a lot about it, and this is not a decision I’ve made lightly. This is what I believe is in the best interests of my children. I know it will be hard for you to accept, but I need you to respect it. I do not want any contact with you. If you try to contact me, my spouse, or my children, I am prepared to take legal action for harassment.

2. Be ready for the reaction from the family

I’ll be honest with you, it’s going to be a sh*tstorm. You’ll have relatives coming at you from all directions, aiming to change your mind.

They’ll be trying to convince you that you’re making a huge mistake, overreacting, being cruel to your “poor mother,” threatening to cut ties with you if you go through with this, attacking your values, morals, etc.

Of course, this is very intentional. The narcissistic grandmother will use her considerable manipulative powers to turn the family members into her “flying monkeys,” so they can put pressure on you to break no contact.

In my experience, these family members usually have good intentions. They genuinely think that they’re helping to mend a family, mediate a fight, or bridge some differences.

They’ll be sympathetic to your plight, but ultimately they just want you to start talking to mom/grandma again, so everything can go back to normal.

It’s disappointing not to have the support of your family when you’re standing up to narcissistic abuse. But don’t take it to heart. It’s not personal.

Most people are brainwashed with an idea that family is everything, and that you’re stuck with yours no matter the treatment you receive.

This simply isn’t true. A lot of people choose to remove toxic, abusive family members from their lives. And most of them deal with judgment and social stigma after they do.

3. Be ready for the smear campaign

The narcissistic grandmother won’t sit idly by either. She will get to work, trying to turn everyone against you, playing her favorite role: victim.

Most relatives will likely be on her side. But it’s not enough.

She’ll want to make everyone she knows aware of what a horrible, ungrateful, cruel person you are. She’ll want them to feel sorry for her, and to be angry at you.

What kind of monster takes grandchildren away from their grandmother?! That’s the question she wants to be on everyone’s lips.

If she’s successful with her smear campaign, you might be ostracized from your family and community, judged, and even harassed.

The narcissist’s smear campaign is a multilayered attack. It’s meant to villainize you as a person, absolve the narcissist of any sins or mistakes, and also to rewrite history.

Everything you’ve experienced as a child will be twisted to fit the narcissistic grandmother’s fabricated version of events.

You’ll be gaslighted.

You’ll be accused of things you never said or did.

And you’ll be painted as someone who’s always been a black sheep in an otherwise decent, respectable family.

“Every family has one,” they’ll say.

Should you try to defend yourself against the smear campaign? You can try, but most people who are not familiar with narcissistic abuse will not understand it, and will not see your side of the story.

Besides, if you’re defending yourself, you’re still engaging with the narcissistic grandmother. No contact involves the cessation of all contact: physical, financial, and most importantly, emotional.

Here’s a blog post about what no contact with a narcissist really entails, and how to avoid making huge mistakes:

10 Grave Mistakes to Avoid When Going No Contact with a Narcissist

4. Talk to your kids

This is one of the trickiest parts of going no contact with a narcissistic grandmother. What do you tell your kids?

Many parents who’ve decided to cut ties with an abusive grandparent struggle with this part.

The idea of telling their children the truth about their grandmother is scary, and guilt-inducing. They’d rather make something up to shield their kids from reality.

This is where you need to make a personal judgment based on your kids’ age, emotional resiliency, their relationship with their grandmother, and the probability that one day you may break No Contact.

If future contact is out of the question and your kids are old enough to understand the concept of emotional abuse, be honest.

For younger kids, I would also recommend honesty, but in a gentler form. Just don’t tell them outright lies — kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for.

5. Create physical distance

It’s awfully hard to implement No Contact when you live next door to the grandmother.

That’s why your best bet is to create as much physical distance between you as possible. Move to another city or state, if you can.

If you already live far away, you understood long ago that the further away you are from a narcissistic parent, the better.

Physical distance helps create emotional distance. It will also make it easier to handle the “flying monkeys,” and eliminate the possibility of running into her at social events.

6. Do NOT engage no matter what

This is the hardest part of initiating No Contact: staying No Contact no matter what, no matter what she throws at you.

A narcissistic grandmother is extremely manipulative, so she will try to engage you through guilt, shame, pity, or some other low-vibrational emotion.

Here is a prediction that’s true in 99% of cases: shortly after you initiate No Contact, a narcissistic grandmother will fall ill with a mysterious but deadly disease.

She will be on her deathbed, extracting maximum pity and outrage from the sympathetic participants in her charade. Said participants will be her willing puppets, trying to rope you back into an abusive relationship with her.

It will take a lot of strength on your part to withstand this barrage of flying monkeys and to stay committed to No Contact. So keep your focus on why you’re doing this: your kids’ mental health.

7. Give yourself time to heal

Going No Contact with a narcissistic grandmother won’t happen all at once. She will probably continue testing your limits and provoking a reaction out of you.

There’ll be moments when you’ll feel angry, bewildered, exhausted, defeated, confused, and questioning your decision…

It’s normal. Give yourself time to move through this transition.

Removing a toxic/narcissistic person from your life will transform your life for the better. It will free up so much of your energy that used to be siphoned off by your mother/grandmother.

But in the beginning, it will feel disorienting and maybe even frightening…You’ve been trauma-bonded with a narcissist, so it will take some time before you can fully heal and be free.

The longer you’re away from her, the stronger you will feel. So be kind to yourself, and accept the ambiguity and the guilt you might be experiencing in the beginning. It will pass.

I decided to go no contact with a narcissistic grandmother. Now what?

If you’ve chosen to go no contact with a narcissistic mother/grandmother, I know you’re at the end of your rope. It’s not what you want to do, but it is what you have to do.

It might be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do in your life. But as hard as it is, you are doing what any good parent would do: protecting your children. And you should be proud of that.

You are a way better parent than your mother ever was. So give yourself credit for doing the hard thing, that also happens to be the right thing.

I know you will get through this, and you will be better and stronger for it.

This is an act of love and empowerment. You are refusing to continue being a willing victim, and you won’t allow your children to become victims, too.

Trust your own judgment, and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for choosing what’s best for your family.

NEXT

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