A narcissistic mother controls, abuses, and manipulates her children. Why would she be any different as a grandmother? The following are 7 telltale signs of a difficult or narcissistic granny.
Signs of a Narcissistic Grandmother
- She has no respect.
- She undermines your authority as parents.
- She plays favorites with the grandchildren.
- She tells your kids inappropriate or hurtful things.
- She sees your kids only when it’s on her terms.
- She “grooms” her grandchildren.
- She is a “come-and-go” kind of grandma.
1. She Has No Respect.
Respect for other people doesn’t come easy to her. She wants to get respect, but she won’t give it. And since she doesn’t respect you, she can’t stop meddling and questioning your decisions.
Because her opinion is the only one that matters.
But it’s not merely an opinion. It’s a systematic campaign to criticize, belittle and denigrate you as parents.
And no matter how hard you try, she is never satisfied. She always finds a reason why you’re bad.
Now, this sucks for you, but how does that affect grandchildren, you ask?
The older they are, the more they understand. Seeing their mother or father disrespected will surely have a negative impact on them. It might even give them the idea that it’s OK to treat other people that way.
Conversely, if no one acknowledges the offensive behavior, it might teach them to silently accept mistreatment, or that this is the way all families are.
2. She Undermines Your Authority as Parents.
She believes she knows best when it comes to your children because she raised children of her own.
Most likely, she believes she was a perfect mother. Or maybe deep down she knows she messed up, and now she wants a “second chance” with a grandchild.
Either way, she will openly (or secretly) defy your instructions.
She won’t follow your rules when babysitting. She will belittle or mock your parental choices. And she will passive-aggressively imply that the child is better (sleeps better, eats better, behaves better) when with her.
If you tell her: “No cookies before a meal,” she will try to sneak your kid an Oreo when you’re not looking. Call her out on it, and she will act surprised, offended, or claim that she just “forgot.”
The result? A child who now thinks that it’s OK to disobey parental rules as long as you’re at grandma’s.
3. She Plays Favorites With the Grandchildren.
If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, you’re probably well familiar with this dynamic. Your mother chose one of your siblings (perhaps, you) as the “golden child,” while the others are his or her pale copies (“scapegoats“).
Now that she’s a grandmother, the same dysfunctional pattern emerges. One grandchild (or several) is deemed “worthy,” while the others are not.
It can be expressed in myriad ways. Most notably, it shows in verbally comparing the children, making unfair judgments, and choosing the “winner” of the family based on some superficial characteristic.
This is a form of emotional abuse. It can seriously damage a child’s self-esteem, especially if it’s tolerated by other family members.
If you have a grandma who does that to your kid(s), for the love of god, put a stop to it!
4. She Tells Your Kids Inappropriate or Hurtful Things.
She habitually manipulates her grandchildren to do what she wants them to do (“Grandma will cry if you won’t visit me tomorrow”).
Worse yet, she may be telling them things that undermine their self-esteem, their happiness, and their identity. She might criticize their appearance, weight, choice of toys, or imply they’re not as bright as other kids.
Another tactic a narc grandmother uses is triangulating a child to put down a targeted parent. For example, she might tell your child: “What on earth are you wearing? Let’s go buy you something cute” or “Why is your hair so messy? You look like a scarecrow!”
She’ll say it in front of you, passive-aggressively. So the comment is a dig at you, not your child. But the effect is the same.
Just like her own children, her grandkids are her extensions. So she will do whatever she can to mold them into something she can find “worthy” of her.
5. She Only Sees Her Grandchildren on Her Terms
A narcissistic grandmother will only see your kids when it’s convenient for her, and on her terms.
For example, she might insist that you bring the kids to her house instead of coming to yours. It’s understandable if there are health issues or other difficult circumstances.
But with a narcissistic granny it’s most likely an issue of control. She wants to see your kids on her turf, and only when she’s ready for them.
She’s also inconsistent. She might not see them for months, then request them every other day. That’s because her inner life is chaotic, and the needs of other people don’t really exist in her mind.
6. She “Grooms” Her Grandchildren
On the surface, she is a marvelous grandmother. She showers your kids with attention, buys them expensive gifts, and takes them on fun trips.
It could be innocent. Or it could be signs of narcissistic grooming.
The term “grooming” is most often used in reference to child sexual abuse. During the initial “grooming” stage the predator gains the trust of the child and lowers their inhibition in order to abuse them.
When a narcissistic grandmother “grooms” her grandchildren, it’s often done in a similar manner. First, she gains their trust, then she abuses and/or manipulates them.
The goals of the narcissistic grandmother’s grooming are many. It could be as simple as narcissistic supply (grandchildren’s adoration) or as devious as turning the kids against the targeted parent.
So if your kids
- side with grandma in disputes,
- blame you for the kind of relationship you have with her,
- act with defiance and disrespect, especially after spending time with her,
- keep secrets from you,
- run to grandma every time you set boundaries for them,
- ask grandma to buy them things you don’t approve of,
they might have been groomed.
7. She Is a “Come-and-Go” Kind of Grandma.
In extreme cases of ill-being, such as alcoholism, drug abuse, incarceration, mental illness, etc., a grandparent might be absent for obvious reasons, or come and go depending on the circumstances.
But when dealing with a difficult grandmother, her narcissistic tendencies (that put her at odds with people in general) can be the reason why she intermittently disappears from her grandkids’ lives.
Even the slightest offense will be perceived as a huge slap in the face, and from that point on you and your entire family is dead to her. That includes your children – her grandchildren.
She will cut them out of her life as surely as she will blame you for it.
This sudden separation from the grandmother can be confusing and painful for the child. They didn’t do anything wrong, yet grandma seems to have abandoned them. Obviously, this is unhealthy and harmful.
Should You Cut Contact With a Narcissistic Grandmother?
Some of her toxic behavior will affect the grandkids directly (favoritism), and some — indirectly (disrespecting the parents).
But inevitably a narcissistic grandmother will cause your children harm.
It’s the way she is. She hurts those close to her.
As a parent, you have a responsibility to protect your kids. So the question of whether your children will be better off without her deserves serious consideration.
You might be thinking: but what about raising resilient kids?
Shouldn’t they be exposed to every kind of person so they can grow into emotionally intelligent adults?
And shouldn’t we let our kids forge their own relationships with their grandparents?
Absolutely.
But narcissistic people can be dangerous.
They are users and manipulators. And in the end, they only care about themselves.
A narcissistic grandmother might try to turn your own kids against you, just to get back at you. She might use them as “narcissistic supply.” Or she might be slowly destroying their self-esteem with her “helpful” criticism.
Emotional Abuse and Your Kids
Children are hypersensitive. The slightest comment or even a joke can become their inner voice, making them feel ashamed or inferior in some way.
Oftentimes children can’t verbalize why they feel bad about themselves. As parents, we have to hear them even when they’re not saying a word.
I’m not telling you to cut people off willy-nilly. I’m saying: be aware. Be VIGILANT.
Recognize emotional abuse and protect your children from it.
People can react with horror and disgust when they hear of physical or sexual child abuse but tolerate emotional abuse in their own families.
Hitting or molesting a child is obviously wrong. Emotional abuse is more clandestine but it’s just as damaging!
A narcissistic grandmother doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong. But just because she doesn’t see it as abuse doesn’t make it OK.
It doesn’t mean cutting ties with her is the only answer.
Depending on your situation, you could try setting boundaries, limiting her contact with the grandchildren, or supervising contact.
Just don’t be complacent because you don’t want to make waves.
You’ve had a firsthand experience growing up with a narcissistic mother. You know what she’s like. Your goal here is to step up and protect your child from things nobody protected you from.
Do you agree?
Do these signs describe a narcissistic grandmother in your family?
NEXT
Going No Contact with a Narcissistic Grandmother
hi, I read this and it really hit home I actually have a mother who is narcissistic and has made me the family scapegoat all my life. dealing with this she has turned most of the family against me just by not telling the who truth or leaving out important parts. like if I didn’t come to a family function that she throws. she will tell people that I didn’t show up. however she fails to mention that I wasn’t told about it. she has also taken my children from me and has everyone believing that I do nothing for them. I call and message her almost daily and she rarely even answers or texts back she will go months without letting me come see my kids and I wasn’t granted any visitation her lawyer and the judge were golf buddies and I didn’t have and say whatsoever because I was convicted of a drug charge which is not on my record anymore nor do I do any drugs anymore and when they brought up my conviction I advised that it was my only charge and was not on my record and if they thought that go be a problem I would go take a drug screen at mednow or any place they decided on and I would pay and bring the results every time I came to see the kids. they wouldn’t even consider this and I was given no visitation but I still have parental rights. however she will not let me see them. I currently haven’t seen them since Easter. any words of advise.
Hello –
I chose no contact with the paternal grandmother to my child for various serious reasons. I just wanted to make the comment I have never came across an article discussing this issue from the perspective or taking into consideration those of us, like myself, who were not married to the other parent. I knew my child’s father for over ten years and had known his parents as well. When I became pregnant with my child he cut all ties but his mom started her smear campaign and it never ended. My child is 8 now. I’ve never been close with them but the few times my child was around them it was clear something sinister was going on. Since we were unmarried it’s almost like her venom is even more poisonous toward me and covertly toward my child. We have been no contact for over 16 months and that is how it will stay.
Hello Deedra,
You’ve made a choice to protect your child, as any good parent would. for a single mom, it takes even more courage since you’re facing more pressure to include family members in your child’s life. I admire you for seeing through your ex’s parents’ covert behavior against you and your child and making this difficult decision.
Lana
Oh my goodness. I think maybe my grandson’s mom read this because I was called a narcissist yesterday for the first time in my life and completely cut out of his life. He is my heart, but lives states away and was adopted at age three by my daughter’s friends. At least I thought they were friends. She has asked me to keep a family secret from him his whole life – he has a half sister, my other grandchild- and I have to keep it secret from him. I also am supposed to not allow any contact with my daughter, his biological mother. Well, I really screwed up. Big time. I had been trying to reach my daughter, playing phone tag, and she called me when I was in the car visiting him. I quickly asked him if it would bother him to hear her voice and he said no – he’s 14. So I answered. Fatal mistake. They said hello to each other, it was sweet actually, and then said goodbye. I realized then that his adoptive mom would likely throttle me so I asked him to please not tell her. Actually I’m terrified of his mom, she’s very scary! She monitors him constantly, his phone, his emails, and even has video monitors in their home to watch him which I’m sure he doesn’t know about. It’s complicated because I love her too in so many ways. I’ve lent her and her partner money when no one else in their biological families would (as an example) but it’s been really difficult for me to turn off the other part of my life when I visit because of course my granddaughter is an important of my life too. I’ve come so close to accidentally slipping up before. I’ve hidden all of the pictures of my granddaughter on my phone so that he wouldn’t see them by accident- I don’t post anything on social media about her in case he joins Facebook someday……I mean I have really tried to do my best. But I screwed up this time. Anyways. After the call, I thought, it was a short call, it’s not like they exchanged phone numbers, they didn’t see each other. It won’t happen again. And I was TERRIFIED to face her. So I made the decision not to tell her. That was a big mistake. Fatal error. Because I pride myself on being an honest person. Dang it. Well, yesterday was my granddaughter’s birthday party and I had sent my grandson’s mom a text asking when I could come next for a visit. She called me and said maybe we should talk at a different time because of the party but then just went ahead and told me that she found out about the call and that I had told him to lie. I immediately apologized but unfortunately, I wasn’t given a chance to explain anything. I’ve for now been blocked from my grandson’s phone and told that I am completely cut out of their lives. I’m heartbroken because he and I have a very special connection. I cut his umbilical cord and was the first to hold him and cared for him his first two years. Prior to this incident his mom had heard me talking to him about bathing him as a baby and I was told I was not to talk to him about anything in his life prior to his adoption. There have been so many rules. I think I should have written them down because I have memory issues….but I shouldn’t make excuses. I know I screwed up in this case. I was just so afraid to talk to her. I Just hope he doesn’t think that I don’t love him and am staying away because I don’t care, or that it’s because he told on me. At least it’s not too long until he’s an adult. Then we can see each other again and he can meet his sister. His sister is eight. They would adore each other. I don’t understand the need for secrecy and I am concerned that his adoptive moms are going to suffer big consequences once he finds out that they’ve kept this secret needlessly from him his entire life – when he’s constantly been longing for a sibling. And even more now if they really decide to keep me from him because I think I’m one of his favorite adults. I’m just kicking myself. Please pray for all of us. It’s such a mess. For now I’m waiting and hoping that they will calm down. They have sent me hateful messages but I haven’t responded. I’m trying to be calm and hopeful, and not cause further damage. I suppose if they see this, they will get mad at me even more because they’ll be afraid that he’ll see it. I’m so tired of keeping secrets.
Hi MCJ,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This situation is heartbreaking and I do hope that it will be resolved soon in everyone’s best interests. I will keep your family in my thoughts 🙂
Lana
I am processing. I know my mother in law THINKS she cares for my son, but it is all a game. She has her golden child, and literally abused my son with neglect when he was 9 months old to honor the other. It was that day, as I was so furious I nearly destroyed her (but I didn’t), that I dethroned her completely.
No more month of May honor month. We barely acknowledge her until her birthday. No more unsupervised visits: grandfather must be present, and I always speak out that he is going to spend time with his grandPA. I have an agreement with his grandpa that they are spending boy time together and he needs to be responsible for him. He agreed and has taken care of him when he visits: Narcisists often get credibility or likeability by bonding themselves to genuinely good people. If I cut out the narcissist, I cut out the grandpa who did nothing wrong. It is one of the many manipulative games.
This past week, when we went to lunch with my in laws, the second her mask slipped, my daughter left her seat beside her and stood behind me. She made an excuse of showing me her dress, but her instincts were spot on. She felt it and moved away. She also canceled sleeping over, and barely spent time over there that afternoon. I taught her to trust her instincts, because she has always had good ones. They protect her.
When the mask slipped, my mother in law looked like the King of Rohan in The Lord Of The Rings when he was possessed by the white wizard Saromon. She had her hand on my son’s back and was petting him like a cat while staring at me. Glaring was more like it.
I made the arrangements prior to the lunch: for school break they would only spend 2 days: Monday and Friday visiting. The rest of the time I had daycare set up. I wield the authority, I choose the boundaries, and they are not negotiable.
Violate the boundaries and there are consequences. Play games and we walk away.
She tried to alienate my son. I took away her time. Now she only has time for establishing rapport before he leaves while I teach him psychology, ethics, morals, and values.
I am trying to be just, but it is not easy. I fight my battles with my husband to stay united. I advocate for low contact. I teach the opposite of narcissism. I have dismantled her flying monkies and left her powerless by building authentic relationships and proving myself over a decade.
I should feel bad that she has aged like sour milk from the stress of our war, but I don’t. I have only protected, deflected, and practiced true authority. I never once attacked her. Never once began a single battle. I held the boundary, fought the good fight, and used ABA to hold her accountable for her actions. She hates me, but I am learning not to care.
The fight sucks. My son comes home critical every time, but it is easier and easier to snap him out of it. I hope in time he learns to put up his own boundary. He insists on going over there, but I have this feeling as he learns to stand they will become abusive. I am getting him a kid’s a smart watch for Christmas so he can always call me and leave.
I fought these same battles as a child without protection and without backup. I hope my son can win with support with far less injuries. He needs to know how to create and enforce boundaries, because this world is not going to get easier.
I guess I am here because I still worry. I feel confident that I have raised my son to stand on his own two feet, but will he stand up or will he play the games? I really hope he stands up.
It is time to get that Smart Watch.
my mother who is now 88 has played this with my children who are now 30 and 27, she has hurt them profoundly, putting my brothers children on a pedestal giving them perfect gifts and appraisal, whilst disdain with mine, plus gifts from charity shops with pieces missing. Or today me reminding my mother it was my sons’ 30th yesterday .. She took 4 hours to respond then with a flippant ‘ wish him a good year’. was as much as she could come up with. She never once looked after them. And she plays victim if you dare confront her. My sister says its too late she’s too old to confront.. But she’s not too old to continue wounding . She will die with this cruel perception, But my children have to live the rest of their lives with the deep wound.
Thank God I had a beautiful grandmother (on my father’s side) for it was her strength and love that I hold in my heart to this day.
I’ve let off steam here, as the pain silently destroys my own self esteem, venting here may be screaming into the wind, but at least it’s screaming (silently) thank you for the space.
Hi,
you can vent here any time 🙂 Your voice is heard, even if it feels like you’re screaming into the wind.
I can tell this situation has caused you a lot of pain. Sometimes we’re re-experiencing our own wounds through our children and getting triggered all over again. It’s a sign that we need some healing, to process the pain we’ve been storing.
I know your mother’s unfair treatment hurts but your children don’t have to feel victimized by this. They have you, and the love of all the other people in their lives. And you have the memory of your beautiful grandmother. Her love lives in you and it flows through you to your children ❤️ Focus on that. Your mother’s emotional limitations and choices are her own. Don’t take them personally.
Wishing you and your family peace and healing 🌹