Coping with a narcissistic mother is no walk in the park.
She loves to push your buttons. She also believes she has to break someone down in order to get her way. So dealing with her is a nightmare.
Still, there are some coping strategies you can adopt in order to handle your mother better (if no contact is not an option).
But first, let’s look at what narcissism is, and how to know if your mother is narcissistic.
What is Narcissism?
Everyone has some narcissistic traits and needs. In a healthy form, it’s simply self-love or self-worth.
But in a pathological form, it turns into a sense of grandiosity, a lack of empathy for others, and a constant, exhausting need for praise and attention.
Narcissism is a serious personality disorder with specific criteria. Most people who exhibit narcissistic traits would not meet a clinical definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Still, a mother with narcissistic traits can be just as damaging as someone with an NPD diagnosis.
18 Signs Your Mother Is a Narcissist
Your mother is a narcissist if she:
- never admits fault, apologizes, or accepts a different point of view
- demands total admiration and obedience from her children
- unfavorably compares you to other children or siblings
- puts her needs first
- gives you cold shoulder whenever you show independence
- says hurtful and derogatory things when she’s mad at you
- obsessed with her public image
- is hypersensitive to any criticism or the slightest display of defiance
- tries to make you feel guilty for all the things she does for you
- is loving one minute, only to turn vicious the next
- hypercritical of everything you do
- is jealous of you and threatened by your success
- punishes you with the silent treatment to teach you a lesson
- minimizes or ignores your accomplishments
- has difficult relationships with most people in her life
- disregards your wishes and undermines you as a parent
- could be described as arrogant, self-centered, and entitled
- is totally oblivious to the pain she causes.
More on the subject: 6 Types of Parents Who Don’t Love Their Children
In a narcissistic mother-child dynamic, the mother is often unable to acknowledge (let alone meet) her child’s needs because her needs are always bigger, more pressing, and more important.
She places enormous expectations on her offspring: expectations that can crush a child’s spirit and make them doubt their self-worth.
And when they fail to meet them, or when they openly defy her, a narcissistic mother will use emotionally abusive tactics to punish them or put them in line. That makes a narcissistic mother an extremely manipulative mother.
More Signs Your Mother Is Narcissistic
| Sign | Description |
|---|---|
| Shows up unannounced | Perhaps your mother shows up to your house, lets herself in, and begins “checking in on things.” This signals that she doesn’t respect your space or boundaries. |
| Criticizes your home | Perhaps she makes little passive-aggressive comments about your home with no thought as to how it will make you feel. This projects a vision of her own superiority. She is treating you like a child. |
| Has over-the-top reactions | A narcissistic mother overreacts to the smallest disagreements and perceived slights. She makes it so that you always feel like you have to walk on eggshells, or she will explode with anger. |
| Can’t take “no” for an answer | A toxic mother is fundamentally incapable of respecting your decisions. So if she hears “no,” she’ll be trying to wear you down until you give in to avoid conflict. |
Coping Strategies for Dealing With a Narcissistic Mother
1. Avoid reacting to bad behavior
The last thing you want to do when dealing with a narcissistic mother is to get upset or angry.
Narcissistic mothers often look for a reaction so they can escape responsibility and blame it all on you.
They use manipulative tactics like toxic amnesia, gaslighting, projection, etc. to make you emotional. Sometimes they’ll deliberately push on your “hot buttons” to provoke anger in you.
After you snap, your mother will happily play the victim, claiming that you overreacted or that you attacked her out of nowhere.
2. Try to empathize
While you should never excuse her bad behavior, sometimes it can be helpful to at least try to feel compassion for her.
Narcissist’s inner world is fragile, chaotic, and torturous. In other words, they’re deeply unhappy people. But because they lack insight into their own psyche, they’re incapable of seeing how their actions are the reason for their discontent.
So for your own peace of mind, adopt a compassionate approach. It’s better to think “I feel sorry for her” than “I hate her.”
3. Refuse to argue
Arguing with a narcissistic mother is futile because she’s incapable of seeing anyone else’s point of view, and she’s a pathological liar.
So she will invent facts to support her argument, rewrite history, and twist your words.
You may think that if you catch your mother in a lie, you’ll win. But that’s not the case. She’ll just come up with new ways to evade accountability.
So arguing with her is like stepping into quicksand. The more you fight and resist her narrative, the deeper you get sucked in.
4. Maintain your position with quiet confidence
Whatever crazy nonsense is thrown at you, stick to your guns. Reiterate your point of view without the need for her to agree with you.
This is easier said than done. Growing up with a narcissistic mother, you have deep-seated subconscious conditioning to seek her approval, validation, and love.
So even when you have an argument with her, you still want her to see your point, to validate you in some way. This is NOT going to happen.
Narcissistic logic and sense of reality are extremely warped. So they are typically incapable of seeing anything objectively.
If you understand that, it’ll be easier for you to give up your need for your mother to agree with you.
5. Depersonalize
When interacting with a narcissistic mother, try to depersonalize her behavior. That will allow you to practice emotional detachment.
Focus your mind on the phrase: This is not about me.
Whatever she’s projecting on you originates from her own inner turmoil.
In other words, she was this way long before you came into the picture.
And even if she’s using you as a dump for all her negativity while treating your sibling differently, it’s still not about you.
6. Take your time
If you are put on the spot to do something, give your mother noncommittal phrases that buy you some time.
For example, “I’m not sure about that. Let me think about it.”
A narcissistic mother has a lot of demands and expectations for her children. Not only do they owe her admiration and undying gratitude, but they also have to do everything she says.
Your mother will spring a million favors and errands on you. And if your first impulse is to agree just to appease her, you might be dealing with a lot of resentment down the road.
So don’t say “yes” unless you mean it. That way you can avoid agreeing to something you will regret later.
7. Work on your confidence
You may be a competent and intelligent person, but growing up with a narcissistic mother takes a toll on a person.
Specifically, many people who have a narcissistic parent develop a highly critical inner voice. You have it too, don’t you?
It may be difficult for you to be proud of yourself, or to take pleasure in your accomplishments. Or you may be too hard on yourself when you make a mistake or fail in some way.
That’s because you’ve internalized your mother’s voice, and now it’s in your head.
There’s no overnight fix for this but learning to accept yourself goes a long way.
Also, cognitive-behavior therapy could be tremendously helpful in recognizing “faulty programming” and rewiring your brain to think differently.
8. Set limits
If you have a narcissistic mother, you’re probably used to being denigrated, ignored, or devalued. You may even have a flush of anxiety whenever you have to be around your mother.
While many will tell you to just let her comments “roll off your back,” I find this to be a bit of dubious advice.
To some degree, yes, you should ignore what she says, and you can let some random insulting remark slide.
But if you’re subjected to emotional abuse on a regular basis, that shouldn’t be ignored or tolerated.
You can try something Dr. Craig Malkin calls a “connection contract.” This is when you lay out the terms of your agreement to spend time with a narcissist, and what happens if the narcissist violates this agreement.
This sounds complicated but it’s really simple.
Say, your narcissistic mother invites you to dinner. You say: I’d really like to come, but if I hear yelling (cursing, heavy drinking, insults, etc.), I will not be able to stay. So it’s really up to you if I come to dinner and spend time with you.
Be very clear and specific about the behaviors you won’t tolerate. This way you’re putting the responsibility on her to hold up her end of the bargain. If she fails and you leave, it’s on her.
9. Make peace with the fact that you have a narcissistic mother
This is one of those things you may be struggling with your whole life.
Or not. Maybe you’re ready to let go of the hurt and accept the fact that for whatever reason, maybe in an act of some cruel cosmic joke, you have a narcissistic mother.
I’d like to think that everything happens for a reason, and the parents we have are not randomly chosen. Somehow dealing with them, just like dealing with any difficult people in our lives, is meant to teach us something. To help us grow.
That’s if you see things from a spiritual perspective.
But even if you don’t, you can still find peace with the fact that you didn’t have a mother who loved you unconditionally or a normal childhood where you didn’t feel invisible or not good enough.
You can still love your mother, even with all her glaring faults.
You can still forgive your other parent for not protecting you from her.
And you can still find love and connection with other people in your life.
No idea where to start on this. I stumbled across this very helpful article (as well as comments). Im 33 having horrible health issues. I have a crap dad whos always been crap. Now lives in a different country. I used to beg him for me to come live with him and he would never help. My mum was so scary and aggressive. I started fighting back in my teens and then she told everyone i beat her up and sent pictures everywhere.
I get so fumbled on words that im not as quick and have qlways been labelled horrible,nasty,cruel if I’ve fought back with words. If i voice my hurt from her, she takes it as an attack and wont accep5 what i say. ALWAYS does the silent treatment guilt trips manipulation. Only now am i noticing how much lying she does. Ive never felt i can talk to ANYONE about this because she made me swear as a kid to never talk about her as it was bitching and would hurt her. So kept it in in in. Found alcohol at 15 as a way to stay out. Slept with the wrong men to stay away from home.
Then she got ill with an auto immune disease and had to be her carer so then didnt go to uni just incase something happend. The devil was released even more as she was given steroids which made her vile. Ive been told that she wished i wasny born (denies it or now goes i didnt mean it) that no man will ve able to deal with me weird stuff.
I would hit walls, tried overdosing hatedddd myself low self esteem (she would deny any wrong doing in that its just my dads fault) nothings changed i feel even worse now. My body is breaking down i know its from such pain from both parents. I have been told i have a personality disorder which apprently can be from immature parents not meeting your needs as kids.
The most recent, which is why i found this, is that i say you been doing this ” no i havent dont lie you’re making up stories. She likes to do this when she knows other people can here such as in a shop or outside for all my neighbours to hear. I moved to a different city from here 2.5 years ago and havent been able to get over the headfk.
Now does anyone relate to me saying that ive wished her dead before just because i realised i can never get away from h3r which i hate cuz obviously dont want her to die!?
I have also taken an overdose before from being told to stop be so dramatic about the pain from my dad.
But she can be overly loving by giving me or buying me things then uses it against me
I feel like i need therapy fo4 my whole life qnd have no idea where to start. I recently discovered i could have forms of autism and adhd.
Shes like yes now i think about it i saw it all your life….never did she try help me with it. Sometimes pretends to care then says viscoous things of attacks like im her enemy.
It makes me not want to even bother having children as i feel so f’d up by things i dont want to be like my parents.
Even when she comes to stay she then gets too comfortable and overstays. Makes me nervous in my own home and feel very unsafe. I told her this 3 days ago… she said she would go camp near so shes not in my space (shes from the city i now live in) but still stays bringing more unhelpful crap to my home/garden.
It really makes me feel so confused. I feel like i cabt live until i let this all go but how do i do that if it still happens.
God ther3s so much more to say but i just dont know what to do. When i think she hears me, i am then brought down to earth again and reminded who she is.
Like a constant fight! Even me asking “can u not leave dirty clothes in the sink” and she just repeats and repeats and so i loose it mor3 and more each time like im loosing the plot.
I am seeing a psych nurse fo4 immediate monthly help but we haven’t even got into it yet. Scared to open that wound without resolution xx
Thankyou everyone for sharing. Has been so helpful to hear everyones stories. I cant stop contact as im only child and too dependant on each other.
Shes also done th3 thing of shes so lonely now ive moved out. I told h3r go make friends join some classes
Wont be guilted for doing something i wish id done at 13! X
Blah x love to you all.
Dealing with Narc mother is like taking a sip of poison every time. After a few decades of constant anxiety and stress, that eventually leads to real health problems. You can either keep sipping the poison or cut it out of your life. Everyone will label you the problem if you choose the latter. They have no idea of what you’ve been through because they had a normal mother. “It’s your mom, so get in there and take your pioson.” That is what they might as well be saying. Sticks and stones break bones, words are a slow death.
I have lived with an aggressive controlling mother abusing (physically when younger) mentally and controlling, gaslighting, guilting me, blaming me, putting me down, twisting things around, turning people against me in case I tell them, making people believe it’s me my whole life, even she has an inkling I might tell someone she will go on the warpath to lay groundwork to make it look like me. She expects me to suffer in silence tell no one. Once I tried when I was young to move out to my dads after they divorced but he wouldn’t let me because (mum said it would cramp his lifestyle with the ladies) so I suffered on. My middle brother is much like her such an angry person. But my older brother whom I was closest to understood what she was like but can’t help and lives in another state now. I lived in another closet state when I got older and cut off contact with her for years until one day I got sick lost job the unit I was renting sold and no money was forced to move back to one parent then the other then the other and stuck after my mother manipulated my father into forcing me back to where they live. I am on Disability Pension, escaped to another city but forced back again due to unforeseen circumstances. She has made me feel like dying so many times. But she plays the victim and turns my family here against me, they don’t believe me. I currently live with dad who has dementia and now causing his own fare share of issues with the family, sometimes I feel like going crazy. What can I do I am stuck, if only I could move far away near my closer older brother and people I know in the state further away to have some peace and happiness but no one to help me initially to do so.
My narcissistic mother has a lot of my things stored in her shed and uses that as a weapon, she has threatened today to get her solicitor to take action to move my things out – but have no money for storage and rent. She knows how to hurt. It started again as I told her Dr confidentially to try help her as she was having hallucinations, severe headaches, behaving badly but Dr told her and she now seeks revenge. I try to do things to make her happy but doesn’t work. But she will tell everyone how much she does for me (but what I do doesn’t count) and will say that I am doing to her what she does to me. I wish someone could help me move away permanently. In tears as I am writing. My lovely Aunty (her sister) had bad treatment from her when they were young too but very old now and has her own family problems. I am 56 and feel like no hope of escape.
It does help in a small way to see that there are others like me – I was nodding to everything said, I experienced too.
She was a really awful parent. Don’t get me wrong – she used to be a good cook and was good with housework. She was also good at deriding me, physically abusing me, and stroking 2 other brothers that she could not fawn over enough. The older bro just died in a mental hospital – sorry for him. The younger golden one, the serial “borrower” who couldn’t pay his own way through life recently got the whole estate. Her will was the final testament as to how disturbed this woman really was. A final kick in the teeth. I am in 60’s, recently learned about this personality disorder. Despite her lifelong quest to make my life miserable, I made out OK. Retired, house was paid off long ago. Neither her nor 60 yo baby deserve any respect. I think my happiness and success were threats to her. Good luck to all of you still having to face these people every day. They are truly nuts.
Oh, and as a P.S., she often gave me the silent treatment, twisted events around (projection), and once she figured I wasn’t coming back, went on the smear campaign about me to anybody who would listen. Don’t show them pride for your accomplishments. They will never be happy for you. Just envious. They think and act like spoiled 3 year olds if you burst their false identity (remember the Emperor’s New Clothes?). Don’t ever say or do anything that can be exaggerated and weaponized later. It will be. “Structured” interactions work best, if you can’t go no contact.
Remember – their specialty is making you feel bad.
Hi Rick,
thanks for sharing. I was especially moved by your words “I think my happiness and success were threats to her.” I think it’s a very insightful observation. The narcissist’s internal world is that of misery and chaos. They operate from a distorted version of reality and are truly disturbed and even threatened when something or someone challenges or contradicts that version. You were not supposed to be happy or successful because you are the scapegoat that never measured up to your brothers. And yet, with everything you had to deal with, you triumphed in the end. Isn’t life interesting? 🙂
Lana
My mum has been ill my whole life. As a child I looked after her and my little brother and grew up very quickly.No dad around but I had family but saw and done a lot for my young years. I was always really aware not to upset m incase she got ill. As I got older our relationship became very strained but this guilt and anxiety never left me. I had a baby quite young and our relationship became even more strained she was so involved. I always felt like I was doing something wrong, didn’t matter what was going on she was always there reminding me what a crap mum I was. My daughter obviously saw this and used it to her advantage and it caused a huge wedge between us. Our relationship is so wrecked and they have the best relationship because I was always the bad guy. She triangulated relationships regularly. If it’s not between me and my daughter it’s me and my brother who has now not spoken to me gir about 10 years. He stopped talking to my mum about 2 years ago but has recently been in touch and I have felt a shift. I know that she is going to start the games again I can feel it and my nerves are all over the place. I have other children and I made the decision when they were born that this would never happen again. My younger children see it and they are always saying to me to not let her do it to me. Let the guilt go it’s not you mum it’s her. I honestly never understood what this was until I read these articles and after years and years of therapy for numerous things I feel like the penny has just dropped. I always knew my mum had these traits but I now know what it is. I don’t know if I feel relieved or I feel sick. My whole life I have carried guilt, anger, frustration. I dread when I have to see her as I know she will do or say something to ignite this anxiety in me. I am astonished and am unsure as to where to go with this now. We had a while where we were ok but just recently she’s got worse again! Where do I go from here????
hi
I’m just learning about this now n I can see that this is my mother which has left me with bad metal health now n my siblings. my problem is that I hate upsetting my mom as I feel guilty if I do but I can’t walk away either as my young disabled brother lives there too so I have to keep an eye on him I also have to keep checking that I don’t do the same to my children as that would be horrible. it’s all very new for me as I’m learning but also helping me understand so much now things are beginning to make sense but also not nice.
One minute she’s extremely inconsiderate and in denial of the pain she;s caused, and the next minute love bombing with letters saying ‘thinking of you.’ It’s truly a bizarre personality.
It truly is ) The narcissist’s inner world is chaotic and unstable. So their behavior sometimes comes off as illogical and inconsistent. But it makes sense when you think about the inner turmoil they struggle with. They really are deeply unhappy people at their core…
Way waaay tmtl, but she checks ALL of these boxes and more! She even had me skip school to drive her to the ECT appointments…and now she conventiently cant remember ANY of the physical abuse she has done to me? Now that I am standing up to her she doesnt know how to act, but I think she likes this response. My no contact is allowing her to play the victim card and manipulate my other friends/family around her. They feel like they are choosing sides and in an awkward position and I feel like I need to be a tree with no leaves! Help?
My Mother has all of these symptoms and more. I was abused by my eldest brother constantly as a child. I have tried to communicate and nothing.. She will get upset at me if her cereal gets cold. She has lost touch with reality about my abuse. I’m her last of 4 and my oldest sister passed away in 1999 She posts all over Facebook about how much she misses her child. And then when I finally decided to go no contact and sent my text to my family. She and my brother lied and said I was threatening to kill myself and my 15yr old autistic child. My child is perfect. Far from abused or neglected and on track to graduate with no history of trouble. I’m 32, educated, even started up and managed medical clinics. I have lots of skills, and experience . I have supported my son as a single mom and myself financially since I was 15. Shes never even paid a phone bill for me. On my own, I got my first job. and car. I was a teen mom, able to get my GED a year ahead of my class and got a degree as an x-ray and medical technician. I had to get help from a shelter to pay for my GED. And she wouldn’t even look at colleges with me let alone burden herself for my Student loan debt. I have lots of medical experience as well as other skills. I’ve lived with my parents and grandmother. I have gone so over and beyond to please her, and nothing is good enough. I pay rent, her and my dad’s phone bill. All my own bills.. By 30 I had no car or credit card debt and fully paid my student loans. My eldest brother is the golden child because he had a troubled past. And she did everything she could to support his future. While neglecting me. She has also had a gambling addiction since before I was born. And my grandmother is sober alcoholic. 2 months ago when I sent my text to end our relationship. She had me hospitalized as an Emergency commitment. And said I was screaming and irate and having delusions about my past abuse as well as breaking things. For 3 days they held me against my will and even drugged me against my consent. I told them they could call my brother. Instead they talked to her and she layered on the rules. and made it seem like I was the worst mother. I have been documenting everything. going on to prove my name because I am being gaslighted. And now she is spreading my private health information the hospital told her about about against HIPAA rules. I had someone on IG message me hatefully for speaking up about the abuse we just lying about the past. As if selling them is a good idea Like what is the big deal to just be honest. She even told me to give her my foodstamp card or she would report me for selling food stamps for drugs. When she keeps the card all the time. Even opened my mail to get it, after I reported it lost to get a new one because she refused to give it to me. She plays the pity party quite well. And has lied to everyone about me. I have secretly been audio recording her outbursts because it is so impossible to believe the things she has said to me. And the threats she makes. She kicks me out and has tried to say a social worker told her she would get custody of my son if I was sent away. I was very upset. Because she hadn’t even thought about the fact my son would go to his dad, who recently got out of prison and married some girl he knocked up, and he is legally still married to me. And we haven’t talked to him in a couple years, when I tried to reach out his new “wife” said I had to talk to her not him. As if I was just going to share my family has been abusing me. My mom abuses me in everyway she can. Mentally, emotionally, Even full financial cases And now she is trying to keep my child. Telling me to get out of her house but my child can stay forever. Looking back she was never cuddly, or warm, didn’t even try to play with me as a kid. And didn’t teach me to apply makeup or do my hair. Not really. My parents actually don’t know I found a storage bin full of my sisters stuff and and it was really enlightening. I learned more from my deceased sister than from my mom. I know she is my half sister and when I tried to ask my grandma whos her dad was she said “NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! I don’t understand, what is the big deal. But thats just is, all I wanted was to be free of the negative family I was born into. I am such a happy person, I love to laugh and have fun. Especially with my son. But now I am in constant fear of persecution. If she could lie and I was sane and had to stare there b
Wow, I have a very controlling mother too who also did not like her children becoming independent adullts. I moved out at 17 but she controlled me until I was 23. I actually gave two children up for adoption at age 20 and 22 due to her belittling, shaming, undermining and lack of support. Now I have 3 more children and realize I was perfectly capable of being a mother at the age of 20 if it wasn’t for her influence. In regards to being angry myself and being afraid to tell her things in case she goes over the edge, I discovered at the age of 54, that even if you confront this type of person with things they will actually deny it to your face. I have read about controlling mothers and them denying their control and manipulation is very common.
My mum is a narcissist. My dad died 9 years ago and since then it’s been a toxic triangle between me, my mum and my sister. I can now recognise the golden child/scapegoat roles that we play in her life. I was pregnant last year and my sister was extremely hateful towards me, but my mum enables her behaviour every time and gaslights, to the point where I feel like I’m going crazy, I want to shout about everything that has happened but my mum just brushes it off like it’s nothing, like i’m crazy for holding onto resentment. There’s never any apology for either my mum’s or my sister’s behaviour towards me, the narrative gets twisted and my mum will feign being the victim. The only time my mum makes contact with me is to threaten my sister of her golden child position.
I am now a mum of two children and I feel that my awareness of how unloving my mum is has increased since becoming a mum, I just 100% know that I never want to make my children feel the way she makes me feel about myself.
Reading this article, my mum has the 18 traits and more. I identify with so much that it says but I struggle to feel sorry for her, I can’t help feeling increasing anger.
Im having such a struggle with my mother.. it’s been happening ever since I moved out when I was 22.. she has told me that she fell apart after I decided to move out.. she cannot deal with the transition from child mother to adult mother.. she hates all of my friends anyone that I spend time with that isn’t her.. she is single but absolutely hates people except for me and my daughter.. she has never cared for my husband.. my daughter used to love spending time with her.. but now that she is 12 she wants to hang out with her friends mostly and my mom thinks that I have brainwashed my daughter in to not wanting to spend time with her.. my mom constantantly compares my daughter and I to other people she knows.. that they spend every weekend with the grandma..and constant digs about how we don’t spend enough time with her.. and ever since the pandemic she is getting some crazy beliefs about satanic Hollywood, how people who have the vaccine are shedding and giving people who don’t have the vaccine disease.. and there are so many other things.. but i have actually been looking back at my life.. and my mother has always compared me to her every decision has been compared to hers.. it’s never ever been about me and my decision.. and the more things I remember and look back on the more angry I get.. but I can’t tell her any of it because I’m so afraid of sending her over the edge of her sadness.. but spending time with her is miserable for not only me but my daughter and husband.. I dread it every time I have to hang out with her but I feel so much guilt because I should want to spend time with my mother.. and we were so close when I was little..
I reas your post and felt compelled to write you about my situation. First put your daughter and your needs first. My mother was the very same way and complained constantly about not seeing her grandchildren. She began manipulating with money and prizes to woo them to her house. A sat back and watched this bad behavior knowing what she was doing.
The teen years cam get rough. At 16 my twins were like most teens, except my son began drinking and got a super speeder. We came down hard on him and took his vehicle and wanted him to seek outpatient alcohol counseling. My mother decided that she would knew what was best, and began to spin things with a very angry teen. I mean what a horrible mom I was for taking his truck and now I wanted to have him committed to an insane asylum. He was so freaked out he ran to his uncle at the suggestion of his grandmother for help. My brother and my mother together filed for emergency custody claiming child abuse. My attorney was perplexed as to how that was child abuse, but wait for it. They claimed the most unbelievable things. Lucky for me, I had 12 months worth of text messages between us showing I was nothing but a loving and concerned mother.
I also had his twin sister who said they were lying and had video of them drinking and partying together. Adults drinking with a table full of minors. Now if you were a teen alcoholic where would you want to live??
My son was torn into pieces with the battle and asked me how things got so out of control with us spending thousands of dollars on attorneys. In the end after spending almost $11,000 and him being 17 1/2 I agreed to emancipate him. I did this so if he ever wanted to come home he could and I was out of money. It was the only way to keep her from having complete control. His twin sister was destroyed and our family is destroyed. My son still drinks and isn’t 18 yet.
My point is, there are no limits a narcissistic grandmother will go to keep from being alone and having complete control. I believed it was harmless and I was dead wrong. Looking back the signs were there, but I was so used to compliance. I’m begging you to set limits, create boundaries immediately. I would rather feel the sting of my mother any day compared to the loss of my child and the knowledge that I could have stopped it.
I wish you well. It isn’t easy, but I can look at my life now and see the stress and drama she created had a price. I just pray that in time my son gets his life together and sees the truth.
Hollywood is based on Satan worship. Look up Illuminati. And hopefully soon it will be talking exposed about child trafficking. Hillary Clinton is one for example.
Hello.
Alot of people don’t believe in illuminati. But I do firsthand.
It’s very hard growing up as the youngest and have to build a life behind 3 professional athletes. I found myself lost my entire childhood. Not able to focus on school at all. I am the black sheep of my family, even though it should be my older brother that never went to college. Being the black sheep in a illuminati family you supposed to struggle so that the next generation would be able to have riches.
So, my mother/father is making sure they try and damage my life just so the nieces and nephews would have a clear path for life. Its making a bet with the devil! Ya have to give a family member to the devil in order to continue the riches. But I am Gods child so this process is complicated to work for them.
When I hit 12 my mom and dad got a divorce. Not knowing the reason for the divorce was actually because my father was a different man then the one raised me. So at that age I lost my original dad to some rich guy coming over to just give me money then complain later about the money given.
It was all about the money to my mom!. She kept her secrets and continued to receive money from the other dad, while receiving small amounts of child support from the original dad. I grew up not being loved by her. She was always angry and I always got a bunch of ass woopens. So I was at my grandmothers 80% of the time. Growing up around siblings that wanted to play house all the time. I did not ever go out in public and showing my struggles because I didn’t want everybody to laugh at my family.
My mom acted like everything was so perfect and I didn’t want to go to some adoption agency. So we struggled so bad I had to go beg for food from the new dad. He didn’t even love me as I waited always for his late response to help me. Even when he gave me money I had to give it to my mom for bingo or whatever gambling habit she had.
I continued to grow up skin breaking out because me and my mom shared the same panties that we washed out in the tub. She never checked on my school work. My siblings was already gone off to college before the big divorce so I didn’t have any help or guidance. Like they all knew I had a different dad. So I had became a runaway. Running away from hatred to find some place that had love for a good basketball player and didn’t abuse me.
I kept all this secret while I was running away so my family name didn’t get tarnished. My mom was a bad mom and I knew it. But I could never understand why my birth dad never tried to save me. He never had no room in his house cause he always had some other lady with a child living with him. This was all bad I had no place to run to. But the streets!
I didn’t become a bad teenager, I ended up graduating from high school. going to college on a scholarship and continued on to professional sports. My life is a movie and I am still in pain because neither of my parent still don’t love me and its hard to find love for myself in this world because I keep picking the wrong kind of love. I only search for peace in my heart and mind right now. Every relationship I have been in I have been cheated on. Maybe because I’m so sad and angry at times. and failing breaks me down to the core on anything I try to accomplish.
Having no support from your parents is deadly. It hurts so much you start to feel the pain in your body. Ya cant reach out to nobody being a successful athlete everybody will start gossiping bout you. You cant talk to family because they jealous you made it out the hood. I am the CEO of 2 major youth programs. I have helped over a million kids. Showing them that I have their back and will go to back for them. Running these programs is what keep me alive as i am really dying inside. I breakdown and cry every other day. My mom messed my credit up as a child so it is hard to get a business loan or any kind of credit help. So its has been a struggle trying to afford everything. I took up a trade 10 years ago being an Electrician, but my body is already broken down from sports. So a trade job is just about out the door. So getting help has never happened for me, I’ve always gotten it out the mud with no business grants. My business has always struggled financially but i seem to get a lot of hurt kids that reach out. There stories don’t surprise me because I have seen it first hand in my own youth.
Back in the day I thought people like you only existed in television comedy. It isn’t health to live in a constant state of fear and paranoia.
I am just now learning about my narcissist mother. Putting the pieces together since I can remember to this day now things are making sense. My mom is 100% clueless that she has these characteristics let alone believing she may have a personality disorder. Like she thinks she is behaving normal. But I have a question. If I tell my mother that I have set boundaries and consequences, she would completely freak out not understand what I mean and what’s the purpose of this! Can she literally be so dumb and clueless to think that she is normal? Maybe I’m the cause of all this. Anyway I love reading everyone’s posts this is very helpful to me. Thanks
Hi Debbie,
you are definitely not the cause of all this. It’s typical for children of narcissistic parents to blame themselves but I am here to tell you that you’ve done nothing to cause or provoke your mother’s dysfunction. With that in mind, set boundaries and make sure you follow through with the consequences when (not if!) they’re violated. She’ll have a hard time with it at first but she’ll have to accept it eventually if she wants to have you in her life.
Sincerely,
Lana
Hello,
My mother’s extreme narcissism has nearly destroyed me, however, over the past number of years I’ve become more self-aware and (slightly) more confident. I long ago acknowledged that she won’t/can’t change so have decided on the no contact approach. The problem, partly at least, is that, in typical fashion, she resents me having any kind of independence and will go to any lengths to control me and prevent me getting on with my life. Although I’m now in my early 40s and intending to emigrate from Ireland to the UK to study and live I’m expecting a repeat of her behaviour which often involves ringing around and contacting anyone who’ll listen that I’m crazy, deranged, special needs, a vulnerable adult and therefore incapable of understanding what’s best for me and not understanding that she has my best interests at heart because she just loves and cares for me so much. As she’s so convincing in her manipulation initially people tend to believe her and so buy into what she has to say and wind up engaging with her in relation to what she has to say about me and, inevitably, about herself. I simply want to get on with my life yet I feel as though I can’t escape her clutches, no matter how far I get away from her. She’s an utterly vile, toxic, malevolent and repulsive human being and psychologically and emotionally at least have disconnected from her. How can I ensure that she stays away/can’t continue with her past behaviour?
I am at the point I have to get a civil protection order. Against my brother. and my mom, But everyone she talks to on social media is going to have a hard time believer. I just go through every morning ,Like a gambling things.
That’s horrible – mine is just as bad or worse and I’m in my 30s. It’s like an open wound that just won’t heal and the harder I try, the worse it gets – the lies, the control, the manipulation, the tantrums, everything. I still cannot function as a normal adult or have normal social relationships.
But what helps me is to just stop struggling. I took the path of least resistance and just gave up and accepted my fate. We can’t chose our parents as they say. It gets easier once you stop struggling and just let it be. I know it’s hard to relax because you never know when she’s going to hurt you next and there’s mountains of seething resentment from all the missed opportunities to be a better person. But it’s all in the past and this is what life dished out to you – and it’s not your fault. Have faith – life will get better. If it doesn’t I just remind myself we’re all going to die anyway – and that’s the most comforting feeling in the world when all else fails. The reminder all this is transient.
I’m 37 with two young kids of my own. I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my mum; she’s loving one minute and so cruel the next. I believe she’s deeply unhappy. I was a needy child. I had emotional problems from very young and mum couldn’t cope. I could write a book about it but will try not to! My younger siblings have grown up buying into her narrative that I am the problem. She projects onto me all the time; I’m dramatic, I am emotionally erratic, everyone walks on eggshells around me etc. But this is the description of herself and I believe everything she doesn’t like about herself. Growing up I probably played into it a bit as my self worth was so low. I’m probably babbling a bit. Reason I’m reading this and commenting is that now as an adult I’ve challenged some of her behaviour and confronted (gently) how I feel with her. Her reaction had been off the scale. She has behaved very badly. But is gaslighting me that I am cruel. She’s made up facts to support her position. She’s guilt tripped me that shes given up so much for me (I’m not sure what) snd I’ve taken more time and energy than the other two etc etc. She even told me my dad was admitted to hospital and then hung up on me!
I’m hurt, I’m angry, then I feel guilty snd worried about her. The saving grace for me has been that my aunt and older cousin have always been there and seen the relationship in it’s reality. They have been amazing supporting me. Even as a grown up with my own kids I’m struggling so much to know how to move forward. I want my mum. I want a relationship with her and I care for her deeply. And my poor dad! (Who enables her, but is so beaten down himself I struggle to be mad at him). I can’t bear the idea of us being estranged and then I lose her one day and we never resolved things. But I also am aware that she will never change. I’m
Also terrified of my siblings getting wind of this and getting involved as they do not see things the way they are; I guess being younger and growing up seeing my mum very unhappy about me they feel protective toward her. It’s strange as I am so anxious and nervous of my family, yet I’m so different with everyone else in my life! Unrecognisable probably. It’s all very toxic. But I’m conscious that I’m probably the one they see as the toxic one. I have this deep need to always apologise and put things right and take responsibility. My aunt and cousin are the only voice telling me that this is all part of how I’ve been manipulated and type casted over the years. I’ve had therapy too – lots! So I think I have a reasonable level of awareness about it all. But it’s getting my feelings to catch up! I’ve been on anti depressants since age 9. Again my mum insisted I needed them and still does but she’s never taken them herself. It’s always everyone else in her life that is the problem and never her. Luckily I have a very supportive and loving husband and two wonderful children who I hope I will never ever let down! I just wish I could find peace with it all and know how to manage her going forward. My little boy adores her (girl is only 10 months so with lockdown doesn’t know them) and she’s wonderful with them. I know how important grandparents are and that relationship. Sorry I’ve written a book! It’s just comforting to write it out to others who are having similar difficulties. I pray that you all find the peace that we’re looking for! Xxxx
Hi Claire,
I have experienced the same things. And it has increased lately to the point I am always on alert. I don’t know what kind of mood she is in to say the things about me to other people that aren’t even in my family. She screamed at me that no one cares about my story or the abuse I have suffered. And over and over she repeated she didn’t care. I told her, thats part of the issue, I’m your daughter and you don’t give a shit about me.
I heard from a trauma Dr. that one of the hardest parts of healing isn’t just forgiving your abuser. But also learning to forgive yourself for all the things you needed to do to survive .
When she starts lying I force her to go beyond what she thinks or feels about me and asked her state fact. Like what I “broke” at the house when she said I was acting crazy. And I would fix it. She denied ever saying it. And I asked what was so wrong that I did that deserved to be committed. And my grandma said “Nothing” . I have been recoding my conversations to catch what she is hiding. I have to prove my side somehow to protect myself. Also a Dr. would ask. Ok lets say all the words my mom said about me were true, and I am all crazy and messed up and need to see a Dr. If my childhood was great and normal and there was no abusive. walk I am making everything up. after but right at dinner
If my childhood was great. Why would a sane educated person all the sudden make something up like being abused? Happy people with great childhoods don’t do stuff like that. Its not us.. its them. We didn’t choose to be born in our families. And I’m not obligated to participate or take care of anyone
Hello,
I am almost 13 and have been trying to deal with my mother. I truly love seeing that I am not alone. After reading the first list of traits, I knew I found the right place. I want to live with my father full time (yes he is aware of my mother’s behavior and selfish actions) and he is supportive of me living with him full time. I now have begun to speak my mind and in her eyes, “having an attitude” but every time the conversation starts to get somewhere, she tells me to go to my room. But lately, I have been making tension and using her tactics on her, however, they don’t work as well. Starting to think she has some sociopathic traits. Any thoughts or help? Thanks!
-Tully
Also, I am a boy
Hi I’m a 61 year old female who has been thro it with my mom .for year she has said and done unspeakable things to me and my brother..I can’t tell you how many years I have cryed myself to sleep ..please take care of yourself and try to get away from her ..read everything you can find on the subject..love yourself .don’t fight with her it’s a waste of time..I’m praying for you.
Hi Tully,
My mother was a cruel Narcissist. I also encountered these people at the top of management at my careers. After I first heard of this, I researched this topic extensively. Here is what I uncovered –
Not only among the copious life coaches online, but also within the psychiatric community, there is some disagreement and some overlap in terminology. What I have deduced is that Narcissists are callous, cunning, manipulative, and strive to make their targets feel bad, and this aspect is proportionate to where the Narc is on the scale, from Covert through Malignant Narcissism. I am guessing that’s an externalization of how bad they feel about themselves. In the extreme, they can be quite sadistic. I concluded that what differentiates them from Sociopaths is that Narcissists seek admiration and affirmation. Although they do their damage in the sneakiest manner, where there is deniability, they enjoy putting their victims’ damage on display. Sociopaths don’t need the narcissistic supply that comes from controlling subordinates, but they can also act like your pal when they are trying to get control. So in a way, you say ketchup, I say catsup. Society also likes to reserve the titles of Sociopath for prison inmates, and Psychopath for more “successful” people.
In any event, both Malignant Narcissism and Sociopathic designations would score high on a Hare’s Psychopathy Inventory. Think Ted Bundy. If your mother truly has a Narcissistic personality, forget about using tactics on her. She will always be one step ahead of you. If you need to just get along with her, research that and use those recommendations.
Well done for having such self awareness at such a young age. I’m 46 and should’ve escaped my narcissistic mothers actions years ago. It’s so hard breaking the maternal bond but if you have the chance to build a life with her only having a small pet in it you will break the cycle and have an amazing family of your own one say without the threat of having someone without your best interests at heart masquerading as a parent. It is hard. Good luck
I can easily tell that something is wrong with my mother I am just still quite young to understand, but all this of Narcissistic traits that are listed above, sounds exactly like her. Which explains why she always threatens me that she will make people believe that I am crazy if I do not lie for her in order to protect her. Which irritates me because by doing so, she is hurting other people.
Hi Priscilla,
I can tell that you’re a bright and compassionate young woman. And you feel conflicted about lying for your mother. It’s not your fault. You’re not hurting those people; she is. Narcissistic mothers can wield a lot of power because they’re master manipulators. But as you mature, you’ll grow stronger and wiser. She won’t have the same power over you.
Wishing you well,
Lana
Thank you for these words. I needed them today. My mother is all of the above and sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy dealing with her abuse.
You’re welcome, Mary! You’re certainly not crazy and what you’re going through is challenging. I’m always here for you 🙂
My mother is a nightmare that bad some time I have turned to alcohol .I have no contact with my mother and my father who loves me very much .my mother does not love me
Debbie my mom is a nightmare too. Recently she told my sister that our dad (who passed away last month) that he “never loved her” while it wasn’t said to me it deeply hurt my sister and me. It’s a bald faced lie also. She is no longer speaking to my sister and pressuring me to have no contact with her either. Which I will never do. Everyday is a struggle, (I have hundreds of stories as you can imagine) know you are not alone. There are many of us who are dealing with issues like this. Stay strong and don’t let her words hurt you, you know she is mentally Iill…
None of this will work. I had to go no contact because she just wouldn’t stop controlling everything.
Hi Donna,
I agree, sometimes none of it works…Then no contact is the only solution.
Lana