We’ve all tried online dating at some point in our lives. Some even found their partner this way. But chances are, you’ve also encountered many toxic online daters along the way.
Online dating can be tricky because people can lie and misrepresent themselves in endless ways — from posting a 10-year old profile picture to concealing their true personality.
If you’re willing to give online dating a chance, you may be wondering: how do I distinguish between a genuine connection and a toxic online dater who is just going to waste my time, or worse, take advantage of me?
To help you navigate the often unpredictable waters of online dating, here are 11 types of toxic online daters you should avoid like the plague.
* I will use male pronouns in this article for the sake of simplicity, and because most of these behaviors are typically exhibited by men. However, that is not to say that only men can be toxic online daters. Women can also act in inappropriate or abusive ways, and that includes their dating habits.
*Disclaimer: This blog post contains affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission at no cost to you.
1. The Narcissist
Narcissists are all about appearances and making positive first impressions. So they are often good-looking men and women with exceptional physiques and seemingly perfect lives.
Not only that, they exude confidence and charisma, so they can be very successful in attracting a large number of interested suitors, both male and female.
That’s why the online dating world is a perfect environment for people with narcissistic features. It allows them to do what they do best — project a fake persona to attract attention and feed their ego.
In that sense, online dating sites (and social media sites) are excellent sources of narcissistic supply.
Despite appearances, narcissists are rarely looking for a committed relationship, nor are they equipped to be in one. Their main goal is to boost their self-esteem by putting up a façade of greatness.
How to spot the narcissist: The profile is all about his accomplishments, whether real or imagined. He also emphasizes his appearance and status symbols like expensive watches or luxurious cars.
In conversations, he tends to talk about himself a lot. And even if he shows an interest in you, somehow it always comes back to him.
Another dead giveaway is how he talks about his exes. If a guy “plays the victim” and refers to all his previous girlfriends as “crazy,” he might be a narcissist.
2. The Dick Pic Bandit
We all know the type…You just started casually chitchatting with him. Suddenly, without any erotic prompting and totally out of context, he drops a dick pic on you.
Why do men do that? Do they really think that one glance at their awkwardly photographed junk will turn a woman into a sex-crazed maniac? Or trigger an unstoppable desire to reciprocate with her own nudes?
Actually, that’s exactly right. Research shows that the most common reason for sending genital images is the hope of receiving images in return.
The logic seems shaky, and it never worked — seriously — yet women who use online dating apps are drowning in unsolicited dick pics.
How to spot the dick pic bandit: no need to spot him. He will reveal himself (pun intended) the first chance he gets.
3. The Ghost
The ghost is a guy you had a great connection with. Maybe you’ve even had a few enjoyable dates. You start thinking that maybe this could be something serious…Then, all of a sudden, he disappears into the ether never to be heard from again.
Where does the ghost go? Nobody knows. Maybe he suddenly died or is trapped in a place with no Internet or phones.
Or maybe, like the legendary Flying Dutchman, this ghost is never able to drop his anchor and make port, doomed to sail the online dating oceans forever.
Either way, forget about him. That ship has sailed.
How to spot the ghost: there is no fool-proof way to spot the ghost. So listen to your gut.
You may have a feeling that he’s too good to be true.
Or he may move fast in a relationship, calling you his girlfriend after a few dates and making grandiose plans about your future together.
It would appear that he’s completely comfortable with commitment and even desperate to find a mate. But the opposite is true. The ghost is a commitmentphobe who gets spooked every time things get “real.”
4. The Catfish (or Kittenfish)
After the movie and the show “Catfish,” everyone became aware of this type of dangerous online dater — someone who completely fabricates their online profile.
Whether it’s done out of personal insecurity or for more nefarious reasons, the result is the same: the person on the receiving end of catfishing is left feeling bewildered, betrayed, embarrassed, and hurt.
Catfishing sucks. However, there is a less known phenomenon called “kittenfishing.” It’s when someone doesn’t invent a whole new persona but embellishes the truth or flat-out lies about certain things.
For example, someone’s profile might say they’re 25 when in fact they’re 44. Or their status may say “single,” but in reality, they’re married with kids.
How to spot the catfish: there are many red flags of catfishing. For example
- pictures that look too perfect
- too few pictures
- no bio
- no linked social media accounts
- inconsistencies in their stories
- refusal to meet or Facetime
- agreeying to meet, but always canceling at the last second
- requests for money or other favors
- vague answers to specific questions
- disappearing then reappearing with some dramatic story (“I’ve got cancer”)
- not giving you anything yet not letting you go
A kittenfish is harder to spot, but it is possible. You just have to play detective and really pay attention to the details.
Is that a tan line on his finger? If he’s 25, why does he know the lyrics to every ABBA song? If he has a Ph.D., why are his messages full of grammatical errors?
Even if he’s good at lying, he’s bound to slip up eventually.
5. The Bully
The bully is that super aggressive guy that has a sensibility of a Nazi stormtrooper.
He may be pressuring you into meeting him at places you’re not comfortable meeting, or demanding your phone number after you’ve barely exchanged greetings, or letting you know that “he always gets what he wants.”
The bully is completely devoid of social graces and will bulldoze his way to his target with no awareness of the psychological cues that should tell him that you’re not interested.
But not all bullies are openly aggressive. Some may send you nasty messages disguised as “advice” or insult you for no apparent reason. The “why” is not important.
Simply put, something about you made him feel insecure, which incited his anger. So he started spewing his bile at you.
How to spot the bully: cyberbullying in an online dating world can take many forms — from someone “teasing” you about your appearance to threats, insults, intimidation, unethical use of your personal information, etc.
When you run into a bully, there is an easy way to tell: he makes you feel unsafe and uncomfortable.
If that’s the case, block him, and report him to customer service. Most dating apps are very strict about harassment on their platform. If you still fear for your safety, contact local police.
6. The Jekyll and Hide
Oh yes…that guy. The thing about Jekyll and Hyde guy is that he comes off as a genuinely nice guy. If you have a track record of dating “bad boys” (hello, unhealthy relationship patterns!) and you’re trying to change your ways, you may be particularly vulnerable to this guy.
The way it usually goes is, you decide to give him a chance, even though you’re not attracted to him. After a few dates it becomes clear that although he’s a nice guy, you’re just not into him. So you decide to let him down easy and offer to be friends.
That’s when Hyde comes out. Your rejection seems to awaken a monster in him. He calls you a slut and a tease. He says you’re not that pretty, anyway. And to add insult, he proceeds to block you.
How to spot the Jekyll and Hide: this type of toxic online daters are great at camouflaging as nice guys. So it’s very hard to spot them in the beginning.
The only way to make them flip the switch is to reject them even in some small way and watch their reaction.
Their egos are like fragile baby birds. Even the slightest bruise can send them into a tailspin. To deal with rejection, they go on the offensive and retaliate.
7. The Stalker
The stalker is surprisingly common in the online dating arena.
In fact, a recent (2020) Pew Research Center study revealed that 60% of women say someone on a dating site or app continued to contact them after they said they were not interested.
Stalkers are often emotionally unstable men with controlling and possessive tendencies. And yes, they can be dangerous.
How to spot the stalker: the stalker will reveal himself pretty quickly by being intrusive, jealous, and overbearing.
If you’re not responding to him on a dating app, he may cyberstalk you on social media and start sending messages from multiple platforms.
If you met with him and then decided not to pursue the relationship, he may start following you to find out where you live or work, and try to initiate contact. He may even reach out to your friends and family.
And no matter what you do or say, he won’t take no for an answer.
Stalking is a form of dating violence, so you need to take serious precautions.
Many dating apps now have safety features for when you’re meeting someone for the first time. For example, Tinder’s Noonlight allows you to share where, when and who you’re meeting IRL, and discreetly contact emergency services as soon as you feel unsafe.
If someone is stalking you after you broke off contact, report him to the app so other women are not at risk of being his next target.
You can also file for a restraining order, although some stalkers are not deterred by it.
Man photo created by diana.grytsku – www.freepik.com
8. The Tearjerker
The tearjerker poses as someone desperately searching for love. He’ll tell you some sob story about his parents’ divorce, his broken heart, and how hard it is for him to open up.
But you seem to be taking down his walls, he says…He’s never been this vulnerable with anyone before…Maybe there’s hope for him yet.
The tearjerker will make you believe the fairytale where you’re both the princess and the knight who’s going to save him from a life of loneliness and misery.
But really, he’s not looking for a relationship. The sob story is just a prelude to a hookup. It’s a long pickup line meant to emotionally manipulate you into sleeping with him.
How to spot the tearjerker: the tearjerker leads with his tale of woe, whereas people who don’t have an ulterior motive usually don’t rush to reveal their most intimate struggles, losses, and traumas.
That kind of honesty naturally grows out of intimacy and trust. It can’t be fast-forwarded.
So if a guy reveals too much too soon, it’s a red flag that he might be one of these toxic online daters.
House photo created by drobotdean – www.freepik.com
9. The Browser
To the browser, the grass is always greener on the other side. So like many users of dating apps, the browser keeps swiping right just to see what else is out there.
No matter how great you are, and how sincere he is about liking you, he’ll always feel like you’re not as good as someone else who might be just one click away — his perfect mate.
This irresistible urge to keep browsing dating profiles is similar to an addiction. He can’t stop. But also, he won’t stop because he’s perfectly comfortable doing what he’s doing.
Of course, he won’t tell you that.
How to spot the browser: the browser can be brazen about his dating habits.
He might complain about receiving too many matches or tell you about his other dates and how they compare to you.
He might even be messaging other women while he’s on a date with you.
Again, listen to your gut. Does it feel like he’s genuinely interested? Is he asking questions about you, is he paying attention when you speak?
Or is he checking his phone every 5 seconds? Do you get a feeling that he’s “window shopping” with no intention of buying? Then he’s probably the browser.
Phone photo created by wayhomestudio – www.freepik.com
10. The Submarine
The submarine is a slang term for a person who disappears, then reemerges with no explanation, acting like nothing happened and no time has passed.
Submarining (also referred to as paper-clipping) is one of the most puzzling and obnoxious dating behaviors that defy human logic.
Once you ghost someone, why would you pop into their life again? When you reappear, why wouldn’t you explain why you were AWOL all this time? And what makes you think that they’ll want to talk to you again?
The only possible explanation for this behavior is that the submarine is so self-centered and unaware of other people’s feelings that he randomly bounces from one person to the next on a whim or to satisfy a sudden impulse.
Another reason for submarining, common to narcissistic personalities, is to make sure you’re still “hooked.” They want to know they still have power over you. This way they can come back and play with you when they feel like it, and then discard you once they get their validation.
How to spot the submarine: it’s impossible to spot the submarine from the get-go but be on the lookout for the common traits of a toxic personality. Because make no mistake about it — the submarine is a jerk who doesn’t deserve another second of your time.
But life happens. There could be a situation where someone disappeared and then reappeared for a good reason (a serious medical issue, for example).
So once he reemerges from the murky online dating waters, see how he behaves. If he’s playing dumb and not giving you the courtesy and the respect of explaining his absence, he’s a submarine.
11. The Negger
The negger is another slang term that denotes a special kind of toxic online daters: those who give backhanded compliments or make passive-aggressive digs at you.
This tactic, borrowed from old-school pick-up artists, is meant to lower your self-esteem and make you question your worth. The thinking is, when a woman questions her worth or attractiveness, she will subconsciously seek validation.
Needless to say, this “special snowflake” is toxic. Only someone who means to take advantage of you would resort to these sorts of tactics.
How to spot the negger: the negger will drop a comment right from the get-go to test the waters. He might say something like:
- Extra weight makes you look even more beautiful
- Wow, you must be very self-confident to post this picture!
- You’re living proof that you don’t have to have perfect teeth to have a charming smile
- You and I could never work — we’re too different (this statement is meant to make a woman wonder what’s so wrong or different about her that this man is rejecting her off the bat)
If you happen to spot a negger, RUN!
Final Thoughts on Toxic Online Daters
While it may seem that toxic online daters are everywhere, don’t get discouraged. Online dating is here to stay, and many people had positive experiences with it that ended in long-term relationships.
Even if you encounter one of these “sharks,” it doesn’t mean that the whole ocean is tainted.
Get up, dust yourself off, put your best smile on, and know that the right person can be a click away. You just have to keep looking.
And maybe try a different dating app! Here are my favorite safest dating apps that prioritize quality matches over quantity.
Safest Online Dating Apps
- Bumble — this app puts women it charge. If you’re comfortable making the first move, it’s the app for you. My favorite safety feature is the Private Detector. It identifies and blurs nude photos before you view them, protecting you from those pesky dick pic bandits. They also have a photo verification that protects you from catfishing.
- eHarmony — this app is safer than most dating apps because its mandatory questionnaire makes it hard to create fake accounts. It also screens users against criminal registries. eHarmony is geared towards mature-minded singles who are looking for committed, quality relationships. It’s not the trendiest app out there but they do match people based on 29 dimensions of compatibility and interests. In fact, eHarmony will refund your 3-month membership fees if you’re not satisfied with the experience.
- The League — this is the Fort Knox of online dating apps. It was created for successful, ambitious people who have high standards and no time to waste. To get in, you have to qualify with your professional credentials, and then wait to be accepted. They authenticate users through their Linkedin profiles, and even make sure that matches are not your business associates. Almost zero chance of being catfished.
- Match — this is one of the oldest dating sites around, so their match-making algorithm is state of the art. Match aims to create highly detailed profiles not just for you, but for your desired mate. This allows for an opportunity to match up with someone you can really click with, as opposed to wading through hordes of toxic online daters. Not only that, they scan and manually review profiles, do background checks, and offer Noonlight – emergency response services that can protect you in a dangerous situation.
For more information, read these Online Dating and Dating App Safety Tips to feel more secure when you’re interacting with someone online.
And, as I always say, trust your instincts! If something doesn’t feel right, there is a reason for it. Don’t be afraid to be rude. Speak up or terminate the interaction as soon as you feel uncomfortable.
Stay safe out there!
NEXT
13 Signs You’re Texting with a Narcissist
13 Signs That You’re Dating Mr. Big (And Why You Should Dump Him)
Leave a Reply