How can you tell if you have a toxic mother-in-law? That’s easy. Just answer these questions.
- Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your mother-in-law?
- Do you feel drained after spending time with her?
- And most telling of all: do you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough for her?
From the moment she entered your life it’s been a nonstop nightmare. The woman seems to manufacture drama out of thin air, and somehow she’s never to blame.
Sounds familiar? Read on to find out more.
1. She’s a nosy parker
Somehow she’s always around, and she always has an opinion. The question of whether or not it’s her business doesn’t even enter her mind.
She also likes eavesdropping so watch what you say around her. The less she knows, the better.
2. She has no boundaries
Of course, she comes to your house unannounced! But her lack of boundaries shows in so many ways.
She might bombard you or your partner with phone calls, invade your space when you’re entertaining, or even make decisions about your children without consulting you!
Nothing is a step too far for her.
3. She thinks she always knows best
This trait is particularly bothersome when grandchildren come into play. A toxic mother-in-law will not respect your choices as a parent and defy you either openly or behind your back.
She will push her opinion about every major decision in your life and act hurt or angry if you don’t follow her advice.
4. She is critical and judgmental
She’s like the judgment Terminator, never stops. It’s not just a behavior for her; it’s a way of being. She elevates herself by putting others down.
Even her gifts are a form of judgment. If she gives you clothes, it means: I don’t like how you dress.
If she gives you a wallet, it means: you don’t make enough money.
And if she gives you a cookbook, it means: you’re a bad cook. You get the idea.
5. She ignores you
Sometimes she acts as if you’re not there. If you say something, she pretends she didn’t hear you.
She talks to your husband about things that concern you both, and she calls you only when she needs something.
6. She constantly brings up the past
A toxic mother-in-law is incapable of letting things go! Cross her once, and she will hold a grudge until the end of time.
Even if you apologized for the sake of appeasing her, she will still continue to bring up the incident(s) every time she’s upset or angry with you.
7. She plays power games
Guilt trips, blame games, the silent treatment are powerful weapons in her arsenal. She uses them to control and manipulate you and your husband.
If you’re still not bending to her will, she will try to turn the family against you, claiming that you are the aggressor, and she is the victim.
8. She sets you up to fail
It can be difficult to detect, especially if she’s pretending to be nice to you. But eventually, you’ll see that it’s not genuine.
A toxic mother-in-law has a way of knocking you down while appearing completely innocent.
For example, she might encourage you to bring a dish to a family gathering, then publicly criticize it and finish with: “Oh honey. You should have asked me for a recipe. It’s OK, you’ll try again next time.”
9. She’s completely self-centered
She doesn’t take interest in your life, your thoughts, values, or opinions.
Quite simply, she doesn’t make an effort to get to know you because she already made up her mind about you.
10. Deep down she’s jealous of you
She downplays your accomplishments to show that she doesn’t care, but deep down she’s jealous. It’s called projection.
She might also be jealous of the relationship you have with her son and act out to prove that she’s still the #1 woman in his life.
11. She doesn’t respect your choices
A toxic mother-in-law is quick to accuse you of disrespect whenever you stand up for yourself, but she’s never shown you any respect.
She says derogatory things about you.
She criticizes your career choice, your homemaking, your appearance (whether it’s fashion, hair, tattoos, or anything else that’s your personal choice).
And most telling of all, she ignores your parental instructions when babysitting.
12. She gives backhanded apologies
She either never apologizes, or apologizes without admitting any fault on her part.
When a toxic mother-in-law needs to get out of a sticky situation, she’ll give you one of those:
- “Sorry you feel this way,”
- “I’m sorry you thought I was insulting you but I wasn’t” or
- “I’m sorry I care.”
13. She makes family gatherings stressful
Do you dread attending family events just because she’ll be there? Do you immediately feel anxious at the sight of your MIL?
Yeah, that’s totally normal. Toxic people have a way of poisoning the very air around them.
Related: How to Survive the Holidays With Your Toxic Family
14. She breeds self-doubt
A toxic mother-in-law is quick to judge, so anything you do is typically met with some degree of criticism.
As a result, you might start second-guessing yourself and subconsciously trying to meet her impossible expectations.
Don’t bother. She’ll never be satisfied. It’s actually kind of funny how she makes it seem that any misfortune could have been avoided if only everyone listened to her.
15. She is two-faced
In public, she acts as if she’s an offspring of Gandhi and Emily Post.
But her real self is insincere, miserable, and emotionally abusive.
16. She’s busy “helping” without being asked
OK, hold the phone. How can this be a bad thing? It is when it’s done to make you feel inferior or incapable of taking care of your responsibilities.
In the past, my MIL would come to my house uninvited, with bags of groceries, and cook for hours, well past midnight. Then she’d tell me: “Isn’t this nice? Now you don’t have to cook for a few days.”
But it’s just another way to pass judgment while pretending to be a good Samaritan.
17. She looks down on your family
A toxic mother-in-law “forgets” to invite your side of the family to family gatherings, or invites them at the last minute. She speaks of them as if they were beneath her. And she expects preferential treatment when it comes to time with grandchildren.
This may be particularly hurtful to you, watching her disrespect your parents. But it’s just part of her toxic nature: to tear down other people to make herself feel better.
18. She insults your heritage and values
A toxic mother-in-law typically thinks that her heritage and religion are superior to anyone else’s, and she’s not shy about sharing it with the world (or, in this case, you).
She’ll talk with great pride and exaltation about her traditions and try to push it on you and your kids with a subtlety of a Nazi stormtrooper.
She may even expect you to convert to her religion and way of life.
19. She loves your partner’s ex
She will go on and on about how great the ex is, even if she hated them when they were dating.
And she will do it right in front of you, oblivious of the fact that it makes you uncomfortable. Or worse, purposefully trying to hurt your feelings.
20. She will never change
Change requires self-reflection and willingness to learn. Alas, your toxic mother-in-law is devoid of those qualities.
However, she can adjust her attitude somewhat if you stand up for yourself, enforce your boundaries and present a united front whenever a conflict is inevitable.
How to Deal With a Toxic Mother-In-Law
Alas, there isn’t an easy remedy for a toxic mother-in-law.
You could stay the hell away from her. That’s a simple and effective strategy, but it‘s not always an option.
You could try to win her affection by appeasing her, as they did with Hitler. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work with Hitler, and it won’t work with your mother-in-law.
She already made up her mind about you. I’m sorry, but she’s never going to like you.
So what can you do?
You can use this as an opportunity for growth.
The truth is, whenever you have a perpetual conflict with someone, or someone “pushes your buttons,” it’s a good indication that there’s inner work to be done.
As tempting as it is to blame everything on your mother-in-law (so tempting!), it won’t bring you anything but bitterness, anger, and a sense of helplessness.
Do not fall into the victim mentality!
You can be happy with or without her approval.
Stand up for yourself and your kids.
Spend more time with people who do love and appreciate you.
Do things that make you feel good.
Cultivate peace of mind, compassion, and acceptance.
Live your life being your best self, and your toxic mother-in-law won’t be able to get to you.
NEXT
The Silver Lining: How Writing About My Toxic Mother-in-Law Changed My Life
10 Things You Wish You Could Say to Your Mother-in-Law
Why You Shouldn’t Accept Gifts from Your Toxic Mother-in-Law
It’s so refreshing to read relatable stories. It reminds me that I’m not alone with my frustrations.
Had to weigh in on my toxic MIL. When I was expecting her first grandchild she announced to all the relatives at a gathering , “if they think I’m babysitting all the time they have another thing coming”. Therefore we rarely asked her. My third pregnancy was high risk and I was delivering my breach daughter vaginally( this was the 90’s) Super stressful and lots of anxiety about the birth. Thankfully all went well. In the recovery room my husband handed me the phone to tell MIL she had her 3rd grandchild and the risky delivery went well. All she could muster was, “ I have a nail appointment because I broke a nail”. No congratulations or relief that me and our baby were ok. I could go on and on about this selfish, self centered woman. But alas, after we moved 3 states away from her she developed ALS. While I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, I can’t help but wonder if karma got that lady. Sorry/not sorry.
Good for you! Toxic extended family is one of the reasons why immigrants with large families tend to split into individual households once they can afford to in the US. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. And it’s for the better as people can have their space and tolerance as well when events require. The downside is when these bridges are burned, whole future generations never know other branches of their family tree. I’ve not met 3 large branches of the tree on my dad’s side because my grandfather was a bit of a black sheep. And those genes were carried down the line and while I have nearly 35 first cousins on my dad’s side, I don’t have a close touch with many of them. In another generation or two, they’ll all be on ancestry.com trying to find out ‘where they came from’–really sad actually, but that’s today’s reality.
This is so well written and all the descriptions are bang on. Really loved your article. A very thoughtful and real one. Thanks for the advice.
You are very welcome 🙂 Thanks for reading!
Lana
Great article however several points- my mother in law was wonderful and did cook meals intentionally to help. This list definitely does not give the benefit of the doubt. To many of the negatives there can be a positive motives . You are right in directing us to look within our own issues often blind us. I am grateful for the parents who gave me my son. Things I do not like- sure! my hubby loves them and I want that family love to grow.
I agree. My mother in law gives me backhanded compliments and insults me but as a woman who’s children are almost grown I would love to help my kids out this way and would be sad if they thought my motives were not true
Stumbled on this article after a miserable encounter with my daughter’s new inlaws- wow!! You nailed it! I’m a seasoned social worker /counselor and have never met a creature quite like this one before – but you have. Thank you for sharing – prayers for you- and us! 🙂
What about the mother of the wife. All this information is sort of one sided!!!! My daughter is married to a man who moved her into a rental that belongs to his grandmother, she lives right below them, his parents are right up the street. My son in laws parents are in and out of there all the time. They see the grandsons everyday. I call before I go to their house and I text before I call to make sure my daughter has time to talk. Over the past 7 years there has been issues of hurt on my part due to the fact I hardly see my grandsons. There has been a break in my relationship with my daughter, she has blocked me and I never see my grandsons at all. I’m sure I have said a lot to my daughter over the years, however, the babies have been left in wet diapers for hours while we were out, no snacks for them, no extra bottle, I have talked to her about so many things, that you all take for granted that sometimes someone needs to say something before someone calls the authorities about baby boy 2’s testicles bleeding from being so rashed from filled diapers being left on for hours, so that makes me the horrible MIL. Remember every situation is different. What do you think about my son in law being laid off from his job, then realizing how much money he could collect off the government nit to mention a large income tax check because of the children, and he was offered jobs that he refused and said he was going to play it out collecting from the government. REALLY, am I the person that is wrong. Every person that can work should be working. You all need to rethink some of these MIL OR FIL issues. There are 2 sides to every story.
This is exactly why your daughter doesn’t speak to you. It’s not about you being right or wrong, it’s about you realizing it’s their life you’re butting into and judge. Imagine if they came to your house and criticized you, your choices etc….
At some point kids are no longer kids, they grow up and mothers must learn to switch from the role of a care taker and leader of the pack to step back and allow the kids to make their own choices, including their own mistakes and!! pay the consequences of those mistakes. Your role should be of a friend to your daughter and her husband, someone who loves unconditionally. If you disapprove of them, why would they feel comfortable with you spending time with their children, think about it? There’s no obligation simply due to a title. Considering that you’re writing about this on this website means that there’s a control issue on your part, instead of living your life, you have too much time being focused on them. Acceptance is what they need, genuine support not comparison of how great you are and now they can’t adult without you. That’s taxic indeed and nobody wants to be shamed, criticized, judged or told how to raise their kids, regardless of the details. There are ways to be there for your kids and them actually be excited to have you in their lives but it’s obvious you have stepped over boundaries simply because you’re her mother? She’s an adult woman now, with her own family…respect is what she needs and an unconditional, loving friendship and support. Mothers or MILs will never get it. Your own fear of no longer being needed the way you wish to be, clouds your judgement of your overbearing behavior. Their signal to you is to not speak to you…and who wins here? not you so apologizing and changing your approach to this is in order not looking for validation on this site that you are right because they are not perfect…and out of your own anger to dig a hole under her husband is terrible. How can they trust you? This is too selfish and you are too bitter to love her or him to see it.
Grace, your response is spot on!
My MIL ticks all the boxes and then some.
She is now 88 and even more obnoxious and divisive as days go by .
I have raised a happy family and been successful in business which is a huge disappointment for her.
I am convinced she has some mental disorder like narcissism and given a lifetime of putting up with it I no longer have the strength nor inclination to navigate her nasty ways.
So I and her family minimize communication and interaction with her.
I gain comfort knowing her time is not that far off. Yes she is that bad and will never change.
Hi. Same boat. This woman is atrocious to me. I’m contemplating if I have some type of depression or bipolar disorder because of my moods when she does something. I’ve distanced myself, and she takes it out on my husband. As soon as his parents call, his mood changes. He gets mean with me, with my kids. Yet, he doesn’t see it. I’m well aware that I am the only person who controls my emotions, but it’s mentally exhausting trying to stand up for not only my husband And me, but now my children. It does something to my soul, my physical and mental states. I’m not a proponent of taking pills to deal with life, but I’m having a really hard time (to say the very least). She’s driven a terrible wedge between my husband and his siblings, and had the audacity to blame it on everyone but herself, who, indeed, is the common denominator in all of her family dilemmas. I don’t come from that, not in the slightest. Just don’t know what to do anymore.
My mother in law does the same thing. When she walks into the room there’s an instant energy shift. When she’s playing her petty crocker games, I used to get so irritated. My husband used to not even notice it, now he can finally see her for what she is. A passive aggressive, manipulative, nasty person. If she’s mad at him or myself she’ll even go as far as to take jabs at our 4 year old daughter. Little subtle digs that chip away self confidence. Now that my husband has awakened, her behavior is escalating as she desperately attempts to regain control over his life. She likes to see him fail and be unhappy with his life to keep him under her thumb. She’s now gone as far as to show up to his workplace to try to get him fired. She claims that her late husband was bipolar, she says my husband, me and my daughter are all bipolar. I pointed out to her that she’s the common denominator in this equation and perhaps the problem is her. Any prolonged exposure to negativity that permeates off her causes severe anxiety. When we first had our daughter we moved in with her, within a few months, the combination of postpartum and her psychological attacks I had to check myself into a facility. What I’ve learned from research and counseling is she operates similarly to a narcissist, when she can’t get the emotional responses or control she’s after, she’ll begin to gaslight us. She’s ALWAYS the victim and it’s ALWAYS somebody else’s fault. She will go to great lengths to portray herself as as being treated unfairly, she’ll use smear a campaign against us to help shape her narrative. I used to get so frustrated and upset when she’d use us as her pity card or scapegoat for why her is in shambles. Now that I’ve put distance and taken time healing myself, I’ve been able to set hard boundaries, anything she does or says has no power anymore. I don’t care what she’s saying in her smear campaign, as I realize the people I care about know my character. I feel bad for my husband because he’s now becoming more isolated from his family. The only option she’s left us with is to cut all contact and ties to her and all of her enablers, it’s the only way my husband can start to heal from 30+ years of emotional abuse she’s inflicted and to prevent our daughter from enduring it. Sometimes that’s the only thing you can do with toxic relationships.
Omg this is exactly what I am going through as well! I am sorry you are going through that sigh. My MIL is so toxic and controlling of my husband. I personally have completely cut her off and do not allow my child to go to her house. She can come over mine but refuses to and says how she can’t see her grandchild. She bitches to her son about it and he sided with her even though he also agrees not to allow the child to go over there! It’s emotionally draining because I sometimes feel I have a mini me at the house. She is toxic and trying to cause division in our marriage because things are going her way. She has told her ENTIRE extended family about “the evil” my family is doing to her mind you my family has not done anything it’s just between me and her but she has turned it into this “feud” as one of my cousins stated. It’s ridiculous and I don’t want anything to do with her or her family. She is manipulative, toxic, a liar, and disgusting.
This is a very common issue and it has to do with mil’s sense of losing control over “her family” with new women coming into the picture. If you don’t speak to a family therapist who can explain to your husband what is really going on, she will make sure to break you both up. This is not something you will win on your own, I doubt you can get anywhere by bringing this up to the entire family in front of her, she will play a victim and cry that her feelings got hurt and that she is trying to be loving and caring and you will become the bad person, don’t fall for that. I fully get what you’re saying about emotions. I am starting to feel extremely anxious like “I need to leave” with my overbearing, controlling mil, it’s insane how self unaware they are or how little they actually care. I have one of those who pets your like a dog, brings you gifts to then smack you when you least expect it kind to stay in control. The best thing I’ve done is distance myself emotionally and shift from expecting or needing anything from her, that let me breath a bit, it drives her crazy that she doesn’t know much about our daily lives and I plan to keep it that way as her way of caring is crossing lines, butting in, telling us what to do and helping when nobody’s asking her to do so. My significant other is used to this, I find it overbearing and toxic and I think she has totally hijacked everyone by acting over sensitive and denying any wrong doing. So I have no desire to confront even though I’d have plenty to say but will fall into her trap of being a terrible dil….staying away and working on my relationship, making sure my man stands by us, doesn’t share what’s our business and shifts focus on other stuff to keep her anxious mind busy is what needs to happen.
The problem is mil’s fear they are losing control over their families and they are, sons and daughter move on, star their own families and they have to redefine their own roles…most will fight you on it and unfortunately most of that hateful resentment is sent towards dils while sons pretend to be completely oblivious or passing with what’s going on.
My MIL has done all of the above throughout the years. Since 1989, in fact. She always makes the calls even for Father’s Day and events like others’ Birthdays even if that’s not what they want. Everyone, including her siblings just let it go on because she will argue til the cows come home.
She would laugh when she fed the kids ice cream for breakfast or put them in a convertible with no seat belt or car seat. Always discouraged the kids from sitting down at the table for dinner. Then purchased 2 German Shepard’s when the kids were small. Frightening for a young mom. She would also tell my kids at sleep overs that I was uptight. The list goes on.
Ok. So enough about my life with her. Now she’s is picking at my sons girlfriend. She is 18 and saying her clothes are too baggy and she needs to get a job. She’s going to college full time and lost her mother to cancer within the year. My mother in law is now trying to correct and “fix” her and there’s nothing wrong with her.
I have dealt with the abuse for YEARS! Fine, whatever. I have learned to distance. I just don’t want this to happen to my son and possible daughter in law. Oh yea, and my MIL is 62 (she gave birth to my husband at 16) so I have a lot of years left with her.
This is so sad that MIL are being this way. I’m experiencing pretty much everything on the list. My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years. The first two years was a long distance and at the time my MIL was fine, we got along well. I did see a few red flags but never wanted to judge. I just figured no one is perfect and to give grace. But she complained A LOT and she was always the victim in the story. She told me a lot lies and this passed thanksgiving my sister in law told me the truth. I was mind blown and completely fooled. Once we announced our engagement, she flipped like a switch. One day I walked into her (she’s never been married) home and she proceed to tell me of how my fiancé’s fathers, distant cousin married someone on her side of the family. And how she is Risner. There was no hi, hello, it was I’m a Risner too. I just looked at her like ok….
Being Hispanic I was raised to impress the mother in law to show her you can take care of her son. It’s now a competition. I’ve brought the wedding to her several times and zero response. Completely ignores me. Now I’m not included when she talks to him. My fiancé never gives details of his childhood or acknowledges her behavior. He just doesn’t want to deal with it. So I’m basically isolated from, or from what I felt was the most important relationship I should have and it hurts.
Someone needs to start a support group for this.
Dora, there are a lot of support groups I’ve found, at least online, particularly on Instagram and FB. A few of the best I’ve found, and some that offer healing and abuse-recovery programs… You’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and you need to have a steady plan or m.o. to live with this. The other person WILL NOT change, despite occasional signs or displays of a more healthy disposition. It does not endure, and can rather set you up for further injury. God bless, and best wishes!
https://instagram.com/melanietoniaevans?utm_medium=copy_link
https://youtube.com/c/DoctorRamani
https://youtube.com/c/FromSurvivingToThriving
https://youtube.com/c/StephanieLynCoaching
I know exactly how you feel my MIL is the Exact same way! Be careful when you have kids do not allow them to go over her house. Trust me. It’ll be same mistreatment. She is toxic. I would love to be in a support group it’s tough. Are there any around?
My MIL seems to constantly be playing power games with my husband and me and it makes me so frustrated. She has been struggling with money for quite some time (originally due to gambling and later to poor financial management) and she demands money because she says she gave up everything to move to the US from Korea for her sons to have a better future. We have been weaning her off the last few years and when we brought up that we had given her _____ amount, she had the nerve to say that we should be giving her more. I think I would be more open to helping her if it was an occasional issue, but the problem is ongoing. She tries to ask my husband to secretly give her money and has even threatened to kill herself on occasion (like our wedding day) if she isn’t given money.
I want to start therapy with my husband so he can see that this behavior is not acceptable even if she was, at one time, a “good” mom but I am so hesitant to start as I don’t want it to negatively impact my husband’s work. For now, I am happy we are currently living in Japan so I can be thousands of miles away from her.
My mother in law is all of these things, for the longest time I thought she would eventually except me but that never happened. She will never see my husband is happy and I am part of that. She has insulted me and aggressively attacked me verbally over the last 11
Years. I have never felt comfortable even parenting my own children because she will step in and pick my parenting apart. My husband has major mental issues due to her parenting so I really doubt my kids will be better off with her opinions. She’s is rude, arrogant, judgmental, and intolerable. She manipulates my husband and my children behind my back. I rarely see her because my husband and I were a string away from divorcing a few years ago partly because of the situation. She abnormally obsesses over my husband in uncomfortable ways. As time has passed I have realized for my own mental health the best option for me is to see and speak to her only if absolutely necessary, which is rarely thank goodness. I have a much easier life and much more happiness now. God bless and good luck to you all ❤️
Hi Chrissy! I can relate )) And I agree, low contact is probably the way to go, at least for the foreseeable future.
Good luck to you as well! Stay safe!
Lana
Hello, So as of right now my mother-in-law is all these things and I’m broken because she is getting into my husbands head and we are talking about divorces and all. We seem fine one day he calls me from his work and everything seems fine then he gets home and I realize his mother calls him to go talk to him and then he comes back and says he doesn’t love me anymore and that he wants a divorce. I’m so confused I don’t want a divorce I don’t want him to leave me. What can I do? What should I do? I love him so much but he doesn’t want to move from here I am in desperate need of help and advice.
Hi Sarah,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This must be incredibly painful.
I sympathize with you but I have to say, your husband is a grown man. Even if his mother has an influence over him and she’s trying to sabotage your marriage, that doesn’t explain or justify his actions.
I know saying “I want a divorce” can be said in the heat of the moment, and it hurts. But it sounds like your husband doesn’t want to fight for you and he’s ready to give up. That’s my impression; I could be wrong.
I’m a big believer in letting go of people who don’t want to be with you. Know your worth, have some pride. You love him but the marriage only works when he reciprocates and when he’s equally invested in it. If he’s throwing around things like “I don’t love you anymore,” do you really want to be with him? Do you want to beg him not to leave you?
I say, talk to your husband. Put it all on the table. Tell him you’re not going to beg and you’re not going to be the only one fighting for this marriage. He has to be an equal partner in this, or it’s pointless. If he’s not willing to fight for you or support you, walk away. If you’re meant to be together, he’ll come back to you. And if not, he was never yours.
I’m sorry if this isn’t the advice you wanted. I know this is tough but know that you deserve better than the treatment you’re getting.
Sincerely,
Lana
Oh wow, I can totally relate to this article, my MIL ticks every box. She is manipulative (uses threats to get her way), narcissist (talks about her all the time), hates my origins and education because it’s not like hers, is downgrading all the time (I’M the issue, I’M the problem, she’s the victim, of course) and has inferiority complex because we don’t come from the same worlds. Close minded and not tolerant, what is different from her is dangerous. Her poor husband must walk in her stride or she makes his life miserable. He has given up, he obeys. Which makes things particularly difficult for us. She ruined our wedding day by showing up undesired and made a whole scene about it. My family was shocked by her outrage, it was like a 5 year old kid having a fit and rolling on the floor kicking and screaming. She was rude and disrepectful to so many people on the day, I am so angry for her ruining a day that was supposed to be the best day of our lives. I can’t even look at the wedding pictures because I feel so hurt, disapointed and angry. And now she expects me to grovel, apologize and will take ultimate pleasure in bashing my whole family for something she did wrong but no, she’s the victim, I’m the mean wife. I wish I could cut her out of my life but I can’t for different reasons so I’ll try to convince myself that she’s mental, that she will never change and that it should just all wash over me. This drama over, we’ll have peace for a few months/years, until the next big even in our lives… I mean how can she not realize that her behavior is so totally out of line?? How can her husband not tell he that she has gone too far? How can people sink so low? it baffles me.
Hi Lara,
you’re right to be baffled. It’s a natural reaction when you encounter such inadequate behavior. But it’s just like you said, “I’ll try to convince myself that she’s mental, that she will never change and that it should just all wash over me.” That’s a great place to start. She really isn’t well mentally. And she didn’t choose to be this way, despite the fact that her behavior is quite intentional. She will not change, I agree. And the best thing you can do is learn to have an emotional shield, or distance when she does or says smth hurtful. It’s not personal. It’s a function of her illness. When you think of it this way, it’s easier to “let it wash over” you.
Sincerely,
Lana
Dear Lara,
Everything you just described is my reality. To the very last word. Mean, jealous, toxic, uneducated, racist, hateful, control freak, manipulative, pathological lier. Except that in my case I have a package of them: it’s not only her. It’s also her husband and their daughter (my sister in-law). People who know my sister-in-law have described her “as a person who has almost never had a friend and with a good reason” and ” as a loud monster, an essence of evil”.
What do I and my husband do? We try to protect our little daughter from them which is not always easy and try to ignore them as much as possible. I am sorry to disappoint you, but toxic people do not change. The base we can do is try to ignore and avoid them.
Hi Lara, I completely understand what you’ve been through. My mother-in-law is just like yours. Whenever we discuss the wedding, she opposes everything without providing any advice.During discussion of the details, she did the same thing”it was like a 5 years-old kid……..”behavior. it shocked everyone even including her own son. In the end ,we decided not to have a wedding ceremony.
Even though we have been living far away from each other for these years and only meet once a year during family reunions, nothing changed. Seeing her social media profile picture or receiving a call with her name displayed makes me nervous and sick.
The family pattern are just similar, too. Father-in-law always obeys.
Anyway I fed up. Now, I blocked her, I won’t let her ruin my life anymore. I think that’s the right thing to do.
hope you find your own way.
Hi Grace,
yes, this does sound like my in-laws 🙂 I actually did something similar recently. I removed my MIL from my Insta. Didn’t block, just removed her from a list of followers. My account is set to private so you can’t see the posts unless you follow. I never felt comfortable with her being there. It almost felt like she had access to something that was reserved more for my friends and people I associate with… I felt obligated to add her at the time, but now it seems arbitrary. It’s my choice who I let into my world. I don’t owe it to anybody. And it’s a privilege not an automatic access.
Glad you found a way to set boundaries with your MIL, too!
Happy holidays,
Lana
Wow, wow, wow. This article hits the nail on the head! Funny my MIL actually says that I am the toxic person. We had a very good relationship up until about a year and half ago and it was like a flip switched. When my husband and i got together, I used to tell him alot that I didn’t like the way he spoke to his Mom. I defended her constantly until the day it turned on me. She jumps down my throat constantly if I don’t do something the way she wants too (example, just bought a house, she doesn’t like my bathroom curtains and expresses it. I told her “well i like them” and she proceeds to tell me shes just trying to help because she knows how to decorate and what I’m doing is stupid). She makes up crazy scenarios and then thinks I should apologize to her even though she is literally saying “i think you did this” and I tell her I’m sorry you think that happened but i can’t apologize for things that didn’t happen. We are constantly guilted for doing things with our kids if we don’t call her first. We went on vacation a few weeks ago and that was a nightmare. She knew we were going on vacation since February, she went the last 2 years with us (ended both trips by saying she was never going with “You f****** people” ever again). I told her about this trip in February and told her that we were taking my stepchildrens mother (we wanted to try something new for the kids and create cool memories) and that I didn’t think she would be interested in going because she has never spoke a kind word about that woman. She laughed and said she doesn’t even know why i’d want to do that but never said she wanted to go. Flash forward to days before we leave, she creates trouble with me saying I’m a liar and manipulator that is only trying to keep her away from the step kids mother (a few months ago she started an obsession with me trying to keep them apart, but she never actually tries to call or do anything with the other person and never has). Calls everyone in the family and tells them I am trying to alienate her and keep her away. They all say they know it isn’t true, and i keep all proof of text messages that prove i don’t say a nasty word to her, she calls me name after name and throws one ridiculous accusation after another at me and I still just take it. You can’t reason with her or explain your feelings because you are flat out wrong. Right now we are battling the fact that we are having a housewarming cookout next week, since the last blow up she has actually blocked our phone numbers and facebook accounts but is going around to the family saying the I didn’t invite her to the party and pretty much I’m a piece of s***. How am i supposed to invite her when we have no actual line of communication with her. Ugh I feel like this is all over the place and is only the tip of the iceberg here. But if finally realized why her and my husbands relationship is so strained. I can’t stand living in animosity, i wasn’t raised that way, so it actually really hurts me. Sorry this is so rambly lol.
Dear Martina,
that’s alright! A little venting helps. Of course, I completely relate to everything you’re saying. So if it’s any comfort at all, you’re not alone!!! Just try not to get emotionally involved in anything your MIL says or does. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s the only way to have any power in the situation. She keeps attacking you with accusations so you’re always in a defensive position (especially if you jump in every time to defend yourself!) That gives her the upper hand. It’s also that you’re assigning importance to what she says and letting it affect you.
I also didn’t grow up with this so it’s completely unnatural, hurtful, and draining for me to spend time with the MIL. But we all gotta toughen up man!!! See these toxic people for what they are (sick and damaged individuals) and not let them affect us. Hang in there!
Lana
I totally agree with this advice. It can be so hard not to react, but it’s literally like grabbing the bait on the hook, that these personalities WANT to get us to react emotionally and get defensive. We have to see it for the cycle of entrapment that it is!
That’s exactly right, Elizabeth! I still have to remind myself that sometimes so it definitely takes practice. But it feels so powerful to choose not to react and to watch them squirm. It’s the most satisfying feeling.
hi. Great article. I think I answered yes to 98% of these. My story is complicated. My partner and I have been together 12 years, friends for 20+. She has some mental health issues that can cause a great disturbance at times, but we work through it together. Recently, as of last week, my MIL decided she needed to move in to take care of her 40 something year old daughter. My partners sister owns the house, so they decided together without even telling us. She comes for her days off which are every couple of days. Since she has been here she has told me im a child, compared me to both her daughters exes, called me mentally ill, tells me what to do around the house and property, when and where to do my garden processing, tells me my family was toxic and abusive, and says she’s here cuz she knows best, oh,, and waves her money around like a ball and chain.. The list probably can go for awhile but you get the picture. I can’t tell if this woman has good intentions or munchausens syndrome. Always saying her daughter is sick. Sure she has her issues, but she’s OK. Im 46, and feel as if I now have a mommy here to tell me how to live my life. Im about to lose my mind. We have a decent size property, and I take care of it as best I can by myself. My partner, her sister and their mother all work together. My partner has told me for years shes tired of her mom hovering over her making her feel like a child and that she triggers her mental stability….and now she lives with us! I have no idea how to approach this. I’ve been angry and told her that she’s making things worse and she just tells me I’m the one with the mental illness. I told her yesterday I wouldn’t get angry with her any longer and try to respect the decision that was made without me. Then she yells at me saying its about time. Truth is tho, I’m really angry about this. The only thing that matters is my partners well being, and I see how this has caused her more harm than good, but of course mommy sees that she’s making things better.
Hi Martha,
I could tell that this recent change in your living situation has caused you a lot of grief. And I can see why. My mother-in-law was fighting with her husband once, so she stayed with us for a few days. Acted like it’s her home, judged everything I do, then left without so much as a “thank you.” So yeah, that’s typical! Living with a MIL is rarely easy, and even then, there’s just something about it…too many cooks in the kitchen, so to speak.
The way I see it, the only way to affect the situation is to either avoid MIL whenever possible (you did say it was a big property), move out, or talk to your partner about how this living situation is making you feel. Speak your truth without bashing anyone. Keep in mind that it’s her mother, even if she has her own issues with her. You have to be on the same page and work together to solve any issues. I’m sure your partner isn’t indifferent to your feelings, especially since she knows what her mother is like. Even if there isn’t an immediate solution at the moment, having your partner’s support can go a long way.
Also, realize that a lot of what your MIL says and does is meant to trigger you. When she gets that reaction, she feels powerful. You’ve got to take it away from her. No matter the nonsense that comes out of her mouth, stay unmoved, unaffected, un-triggered. That’s the only way to defeat a toxic MIL when you can’t get away from her.
Good luck to you!
Lana
Thanks for this! This is my freaking mil! I’ve dealing with her about 5 years and things got better only because I gave up! She won’t change. She’s always right and she plays the victim if I say something when she doesn’t respect me cuz she knows the best! Haha recently I had something with her and she would never say sorry. I mean, I knew she wouldn’t . It’s so waste of my time and energy to say something back. So I will have to act like it didn’t happen! I wouldn’t even care! Only that makes me feel better !
Hi Amy! 🙂 Thanks for sharing. I can totally relate. She won’t change, so the only thing that CAN change is your attitude to all of this. I mean, we can go around collecting injustices and becoming angry and embittered, or we can decide to stop caring about this person’s words or actions. I know it’s easier said than done, but I do think it’s absolutely doable! And even though it seems like you’re giving up, you’re actually taking your power back and setting up your own rules. If you’ve stopped wasting your energy on her, you’ve won.
Lana
For 3 decades I ‘ve put up with my mother’s in law hate. My parents and grandparents are gone and I thought my kids could benefit of having a grandmother but her poison has spread into my relationship with my husband and sometimes with my kids.
My son words the other day ” mom she is nice with everyone else, she just doesn’t like you ” I’ve tried to kill her with the kindness, buying her anything she wanted, took her to the doctor, listen to her needs ( as her son wouldn’t do anything for her ) When I stopped eating her food ( she lives with us ) she decided to act like a brat and not eat at all . Always she has to one up me. She hides behind her religion and manipulates everyone around her with her “humbleness” .
I am done talking to her . I am kind hearted and feel sorry for her for being a widow and losing her other son ( died in his sleep) , but as soon as I talk to her ,she manipulates me and guilty me in doing things she doesn’t deserves.
She needs to leave and never step foot in my home again ! Enough is enough!
excellent article! It described my MIL. She is extremely manipulative, controlling, she is always right AND she comes home UNANNOUNCED and I HATE IT. She doesn’t give me privacy and I can go on and go on but I don’t want to get stressed because of this low person.
Ilka,
you’re so right. Venting can be good, but if we spend too much time ruminating on a toxic person, it can be stressful, defeating and draining. Don’t let her drag you to her level!
Hi,
This is exact copy of my mother in law. Its really a surprise how can someone fill so much of toxin inside. Its so draining emotionally and physically when is she is around. And i m tried of explaining it to my husband. Even if he know he pretends to not care. His is mother is so healthy inspite of being a senior citizen but when her son is around all the pains starts pouring in for her.
She always has to play a victim card. She totally ignores me on my face all the time even in the matters of my child…its like a competition at our home, who is a real wife….m really sick of her now….she has this feeling that because of her we are surviving.
My MIL not only does everything on this list (but 19 because I was his first girlfriend he brought home) she also verbally abuses me every time she’s angry about something in my relationship. Calling me several names. Calling me to yell at me when I’m sleeping, busy, or at work (Basically whenever she wants to even though she knows I’ve got stuff going on). She’s such a nightmare! I get severe anxiety just thinking about seeing her during the holidays. I wish I could get all of her toxicity out of my life.
Crystal,
sounds like a tough situation! I can relate, although I will say that if getting rid of her and her toxicity is not an option (it’s probably not, right?) you could work on setting boundaries and distancing yourself emotionally. With time, your MIL’s shenanigans won’t bother you nearly as much. Peace 🙂
Oh man! This really resonated with me. It’s ten years with my MIL! She loved my husband’s ex for all the wrong reasons, primarily because the girl used emotional manipulation and lied to get attention and whatever else she wanted. It took my husband years to break up with that narcissist. When she realized that he really did move on, she became even more determined to stay “in” his family. Wow, did she cause problems! I was told by every one of our mutual friends and my husband not to say anything to her or become friends or anything, so the most I ever said to her was “hi.” Literally, that’s all I’ve ever said to her, politely, too, because I was raised with manners. It was three months before I met my MIL, and wow did that ex have fun projecting all her toxic traits onto me! I didn’t have a chance; my MIL’s mind was made up. She had no problem yelling at me, telling me how horrible I am, how I don’t help those who really need my help and friendship, etc. Remember, this lady didn’t and still doesn’t even know me, but she won’t do this in front of her son and lies and denies about ever saying anything mean to me. She encourages her daughter, my SIL, to be just as self-centered, judgemental, and insulting. It’s so bad that I refuse to spend time with them. My MIL asked me once I was engaged to her son if she “should stop talking to [his ex]?” I was in shock. It’s not fun. We aren’t included in family things; but when we are, it’s so we can take their pictures. She ignores our kids. I’ve had to pick up my sons from her care because their cousins’ misbehavior were making my kids (good behavior) overwhelm her. She will tell me that I can ask for her help any time; but when I do, she tells me how her daughter needs more help than me “because she has four kids” or “no” because her daughter and her kids are doing something she considers more fun than spending time with our kids. I am one of five kids in my family and wasn’t raised to be so dependant on my parents for everything, so this is insulting to my upbringing. I stopped asking for her help a long time ago. If we don’t fill their narcissistic supply, we get random, unwanted visits from the SIL; then they go and gossip about us to their friends. I’m not allowed to actually hold a conversation; if I do, my MIL interrupts mid-word and takes over. My SIL will incessently say the word “no” until I stop talking, if I try to talk about anything she doesn’t want to hear. She’s almost 40 years old. I am only allergic to one thing on Earth (mums); even though I’ve told them countless times over the last decade, my SIL gave me mums as a reason to come over unannounced and look around our house and expected me to be excited and smell them. Not being able to breathe is fun, right? For my birthday two weeks ago, I was given a gratitude globe because of how ungrateful I am towards them and all they do for us. I’m not ungrateful; I just smiled a thin smile because nothing from me is good enough. I was also given a hand blown glass ornament from Oglebay, where we had just spent that weekend (instilling MY family’s holiday traditions with our kids) and my MIL was clearly upset because we hadn’t invited her to go, too, even though they’ve never gone to see the lights. We HAD to stop over at their house as soon as we got back (on my birthday, which I didn’t want to spend with them), so I could open these “gifts” in front of them. I have so many stories, but I won’t go on. I am a millennial, but I was raised to not do any of these things to other people by my grandparents. My mother is worse than my MIL and SIL, though, so we have no contact with her.
I knew going into my marriage that his parents had at least five good reasons to not like me: 1) I’m seven years older than he is 2) I was married before-twice 3) I wasn’t raised the same religion he was 4) My family is very vocal and loud, his parents don’t talk about anything and are really reserved and quiet 5) I couldn’t have children-I mean medically, there was 100% NO CHANCE of my getting pregnant and children are really important in his family/church. I was always honest and up front with my spouse about everything. But we got married and have been for almost thirty years. My father passed when I was 16 and my mother and sister (who was mentally challenged) lived with us for a long time. My mother-in-law’s second husband passed away about 5 years ago. Then my mother and sister passed within a year of each other and we sold our house and moved in with my mother-in-law. When my husband is around, she’s great but when my husband has to be away on business, it’s like I don’t exist. And she’s always trying to work the whole, “Oh, poor me–I’m a widow” angle with my husband. She try to get my husband to feel so sorry for her that he’ll go back to church. I think for sure she assumes that I’m the one that’s holding him back from going back to his church and ultimately the reason he won’t be re-united with his family in heaven. How does one deal with that? Believe me, I learned all I could about his church and I just couldn’t buy into any of it and neither does my spouse. I try not to bring up religion or say anything against her church but I feel that everything I do, say and think I’m being judged for by her when only God has that right. I’m at a loss as to what I can do.
Raven, I completely understand the religion guilt trips. I have been married for 12 years, and even when we were dating, my husband’s mom would try to brainwash me into wearing certain styles of clothing. She has never accepted me because I didn’t conform to her church and the rules they have. She does not respect me as a mother and even talks about my personal matters to her friends/family. I just don’t understand how a woman can gossip about her own daughter-in-law and feel justified in doing so. I try to avoid her these days, and I don’t say anything around her so she can’t use anything against me.
Who wrote this article?
Whoever wrote this, your took literally every situation and put it in this. 20/20 ive got a toxic MIL over here.. send help.
This article could just as well be called toxic daughter in law as well. Problem is today’s young woman start the process of destruction in family long before they become daughters in law. The arrogance and entitlement of men and wonen in relationships today in intolerable. If your a confident, thoughtful, unselfish person there is no battle to be fought or won. We both want the same thing. To love the same person in our own way. Everything today with most women today is a competition. Competition is healthy in the right circumstance. Try for resolution instead of competition. Understand some of the problems are between mother and son and or mother and daughter as a girlfriend/boyfriends you may find out down the road that some of us MIL ( not one yet) want both of you to be happy together in the future. I agree there are some crazy MIL but they usually raise the same kind of daughters. Hence the arrogance.
I agree there are definitely some crazy mothers out there but that doesn’t always perpetuate to the daughter’s behaviour. The generalization that “today’s young women are arrogant and entitled” is a far stretch and one I strongly disagree with.
If one feels that they need to find a sign, or answers online, such as this article, then I’d say that they’ve pre-emptively had a hunch that something was wrong. Intuition is a powerful tool and if they feel that their mother-in-law’s dislikes them, then they’re already taking the time to reflect. Reflection can elucidate any clues about pre-conceived ideas or conditioning that could have nothing to do with the daughter-in-law in the first place. But even with that being said, sometimes it is the mother-in-law. Period.
In my case, I have tried to talk about it with my partner and MIL, and it hasn’t resolved a single issue. To this day, I still feel as though she shows no interest in my life nor my family, and I’ve come to terms with it, though it definitely makes me sad. All I wanted was to feel like part of the family but instead, I felt completely shut out, despite the many years of me trying to establish a stronger relationship with her.
This was never about competition. It was about bringing the entire family closer together.
And for next time, please don’t assume that the younger generation lacks consideration because that’s the whole reason why we’re here, on this page, in the first place.
Amen! I’m in my late 50’s and my MIL sometimes makes me feel like I’m nothing. Of course, she only does it when my husband is away on business.
I love what you wrote. I get choked up with what I want to express and I’m glad you expressed what you did. I love the part about having the whole family work. I too have suffered with my MIL. I longed for her love and tried to make things work for ten years. I had to put an end to it because the children were hurting. The pain she caused exceeded all efforts and now my children, husband and I are broken and starting over. I just didn’t know what we were facing. I look back and still am confused.
Mary,
You sound like an absolute nightmare. God help any future daughter in law you may have because you already have a very negative attitude about “young” women. Your son has a right to start his own family and be happy. His life is not yours to control and run.
Why would you leave this comment on a mother in law article? Most daughter in laws feel an immense pressure to have an amiable relationship with their mother in law. I certainly want that but mother in law enjoys making me bad. She likes to pass the ex wife’s present in front of me she got for Christmas. She told me 7 times in a conversation about the ex wife’s parents she is friends with. And she gave my husbands phone number to a woman that was a friend of the family without even a mention he mos married. I have been kind and have encouraged their relationship but she has gone too far. I’m not going to her house again and if that’s what she wanted she got it. My husband warned me in the beginning that every person in his life it reached this point. I thought maybe it could be different this time but I was wrong.
Get help lady ! You are toxic and articles like that are written about people like you .
This hits hard for me. Married almost 12 yrs now. Dated 5 before that. I’m an only child with living Parents. All I wanted was a new family love and be loved by. But in my naivety, didn’t realize my MIL had serious issues about knowing her place and boundaries with our lives. First warning sign was her telling my husband not to tell me things because I would go tell my family. I had done nothing for her to think that way. My husband stood his ground and said then dont tell me if your worried. After that she became bitter to choices my husband made for his own family and always seem to blame me. Like I controlled his choices. My husband soon cut ties with them for a while. Then slowly built a very fragile bridge with them. He was made the black sheep of the family. I did everything I could to help mend the bridge. But then one day my MIL and sister in law verbally accused and attacked me. That was my big sign that after all these years their perception of me would never change. No matter what I did for them. But yet they always play victim, never understanding why my husband never wants us and our kids around them. I blame my father in law too. He always calls me daughter but never has stood up for me. I know what true family love is. And that is not true family love. I’m tired, drained, and mentally done with it. My life is my life. It’s not of their business. Ever again.