Have you ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment or stonewalling? Or maybe you’ve done it to someone else.
Either way, you are familiar with these socially acceptable forms of abuse.
What is silent treatment?
The silent treatment is a manipulative tactic designed to control another person’s behavior with silence.
It involves
- refusing to speak with someone
- blocking their phone number
- blocking them on social media
- ignoring them in person
- avoiding any interaction with them
- abruptly disappearing from their life with no explanation.
We’ve all treated someone with silence at some point in our lives.
Perhaps, you felt so hurt by a friend that you couldn’t bring yourself to speak to them for a while. Or you were annoyed with your husband so you let his calls go to voicemail.
It’s OK if you just need some time to “cool off”. But intentional and prolonged silent treatment is a form of social ostracism that can cause severe emotional and even physical harm.
It’s a form of punishment and is usually employed by toxic or narcissistic individuals.
So let’s take a closer look at what happens when someone gives us the silent treatment.
Why is silent treatment so bad?
The silent treatment is one of the worst forms of emotional abuse.
It’s even referred to as “mental murder” because the person giving you the silent treatment “kills” you in their mind. They act as if you didn’t exist, and that can be very painful.
Research shows that our brains are wired to seek out connections. We thrive when we enjoy a number of quality, meaningful relationships.
So when we encounter social ostracism in the form of the silent treatment, it signals danger and distress.
An expert on ostracism Kipling Williams, a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University, says:
The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the anterior cingulate cortex – the part of the brain that detects physical pain. The initial pain is the same, regardless of whether the exclusion is by strangers, close friends or enemies.
So silent treatment is literally like experiencing physical pain. Think about that next time you’re giving someone a cold shoulder.
Who gives the silent treatment?
The habitual use of silent treatment is characteristic of two groups of individuals: people who have immature coping and communication skills, and people with narcissistic, toxic, passive-aggressive personalities.
Individuals who have difficulty communicating because their emotional maturity has been stunted learn to give people the silent treatment as a form of punishment. These people usually operate from their ego, meaning that they believe in their rightness and are standing firm in their opinion, belief and/or experience.— Shirin Peykar, M.A. LMFT
Those with inadequate communication skills have no means of communicating pain or anger other than withdrawing and falling silent.
It’s likely that they’re reenacting communication patterns observed in their families of origin. Perhaps, as a child, they were ignored or shunned when they misbehaved.
Or they’ve learned that when you give someone the silent treatment, you gain control over the other person and get what you want.
Now that they’re grownups, they keep resorting to silent treatment every time they feel hurt, threatened, or rejected because they don’t have other coping skills.
Plus, silent treatment has many benefits. For example, unlike other types of abusive behaviors, it’s easy enough to deny. The person can claim that they just needed “time to think” or “be alone,” and that’s why they ignored you.
But if that was the case, wouldn’t they have told you so before they stopped the communication? They didn’t because they wanted you to suffer. It was a punishment.
The silent treatment and the narcissist
The silent treatment is also typical in abusive relationships with a narcissist, a sociopath, or other controlling types.
In this context, silent treatment is almost always a control tactic meant to destroy, devalue, and diminish you.
For example, you’ve confronted your narcissistic boyfriend about something. He reacted with anger and a complete dismissal of your feelings and concerns. He said a lot of terrible things, then left, slamming the door on his way out.
You’re shocked and confused. What did you do wrong? Aren’t your thoughts and feelings important to him? Maybe he misunderstood.
So you try to reach out to him to explain yourself, and to make up. Only he doesn’t answer your calls or texts. In fact, you can’t reach him by any means.
A week goes by. Then another. Still radio silence. Finally, you decide to swallow your pride and come apologize to him in person.
As soon as you do, he’s in love with you again. He’s practically ecstatic because he got exactly what he wanted.
First, he punished you for challenging him, so you’ll think twice before doing it again. Second, he made you beg for his forgiveness when you’ve done nothing wrong! Third, he established his dominance over you.
This behavior is indicative of emotional abuse. It can make you feel worthless, small, and unloveable. It can put you in a state of mental torment, where you’ll do anything to stop the silent treatment.
It’s designed to bring you to your knees, so as you crawl back to the narcissist, you’re not thinking about what’s right and what’s wrong. You just want the pain to stop.
How to Respond to the Silent Treatment?
The previous example with the narcissist illustrates that whoever is giving you the silent treatment wants to cause you emotional pain.
They want you to feel guilt, shame, confusion, and fear.
They also want you to chase after them and beg them to take you back.
Sadly, the silent treatment often works as intended because it’s so unbearable, and people will do anything to make it stop.
Also, if you’re dealing with an abusive partner (and not just someone who’s emotionally immature), you are conditioned to toil for his or her affection. So it’s that much harder for you to withstand the silent treatment.
But withstand you must. There are times when you need to be the bigger person and apologize first. But when someone is giving you the silent treatment, this isn’t that time.
If the person is clearly ignoring you without giving any verbal warning that they need a break to sort things out, it’s emotional abuse, and a vicious one at that.
Trying to get in touch with that person despite their lack of response is only going to hurt you further.
You need to step back and let the “silent party” have their silence.
Don’t try to “win them back,” or explain yourself, or apologize. If you do, it will only embolden them to do it again and again. Because now they know it will work like a charm.
Don’t obsess about it either. Get busy. Start a new project, spend time with friends, go out, take a trip you’ve always wanted to take.
Don’t ever let them think that you’re sitting in a dark room gazing at their pictures every night before you cry yourself to sleep. Live your life!
And when they (inevitably) reappear and act as if nothing happened, talk to them. Make it clear that the next time they pull a stunt like this, you won’t let them back into your life.
You won’t tolerate silent treatment. So whether they will have a relationship with you is up to them.
And if they ever do it again, deliver on your promise.
What is Stonewalling?
The silent treatment usually goes hand in hand with stonewalling – another destructive communication tactic that involves ignoring another person.
You can even say that the silent treatment is a more extreme form of stonewalling.
Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate when the discussion becomes too uncomfortable or overwhelming.
It’s when a person emotionally withdraws from a conversation, becoming unresponsive, distracted, tuning out, and acting cold and indifferent.
So anything the partner says smashes into an invisible “wall” they erected.
For example, if you come at your partner with criticism and accusations, at first he will attempt to respond and defend himself. But if you’re not letting up and you keep raising the intensity, eventually he’s going to shut down emotionally.
So even if you continue talking, you’ll feel like he’s not listening to you anymore. He’d disconnected.
Relationships guru John Gottman calls stonewalling one of the “Four Horsemen” that predict the couple breaking up. The other three are criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.
Here’s a short clip where Dr. Gottman explains stonewalling.
Who Stonewalls?
Studies show that 85% of stonewallers are men.
Men, especially those who come from dysfunctional families, are taught to be tough and not show their weaknesses. So in emotionally difficult situations men often act detached or build a silent veneer.
That can be really hurtful or infuriating to their partners because it comes off as indifference or even cruelty. It says: “I don’t care for you. I don’t love you. I see that you’re hurting but that’s of no concern to me.”
Unequipped to deal with such painful behavior from their partner, women dial up the intensity, trying to provoke a reaction — any reaction, positive or negative.
If it doesn’t work, they may respond with silent treatment, and the vicious cycle is set.
How to Respond to Stonewalling
Stonewalling is harmful, and it can erode the relationship over time. So it’s important to catch it early and try to correct it.
Gottman’s advice is for couples to come up with a signal when things get too heated and you need to take a break.
It can be a word, a phrase, or a physical motion – anything to let your partner know that you’re not ignoring or disrespecting them, you just need a breather.
It will be your special “code word,” so make it personal to you. Hell, make it funny if you can! It will break the tension in a difficult situation.
Or simply saying: “I need a break right now but we will talk about this later” will also give you a chance to walk away for a bit without offending your partner.
Now, what if you’re being stonewalled by your partner? Gottman says: walk away. Don’t try to continue the argument to get them to come out from behind the wall.
Allow both of you to take a break and calm down. Then check in with them when you’re both calm.
Silent Treatment and Stonewalling Summary
The silent treatment and stonewalling often occur in the context of romantic relationships, when one or both partners have poor communication skills and are unequipped to deal with their more painful emotions.
But they are also embedded in dysfunctional families, especially the ones with a narcissistic mother or father, or where both parents are controlling and abusive.
Responding to these manipulative tactics involves
- understanding the mechanisms of silent treatment and stonewalling
- understanding the reasons why someone gives you the silent treatment or stonewalls
- removing yourself from the situation without guilt, fear, or self-doubt
- re-evaluating the relationship or correcting dysfunctional patterns, when possible.
Have you ever dealt with silent treatment or stonewalling? What did you do in response?
I (59/f) have dealt with stonewalling and the silent treatment too often in relationships. So much pain, frustration, humiliation.
Life’s too short. I will never again subject myself to that nonsense.
After being single for 3 years, in recent months I had been enjoying dating a new man. There’s a lot that’s been good. I’m glad to have met him.
However, at the first sign of conflict /stressful conversation, there it was. Stonewalling followed by Silent Treatment. He noted that I was becoming upset, said that i had no reason to do so, and that he “would not be talked to that way.”
(To be clear: My voice had become animated but I was not shouting — if I had been, my cat would have left the room — only I was frustrated over his not accepting my explanation as to why I felt the way I did. Also, I asked him to understand that I was not quite recovered from a migraine. The auras had cleared but I was in pain and feeling glitchy.)
Anyway, he left the conversation, left the house.
That was yesterday.
No word from him as of yet. So, after a little cry and a mopey afternoon, I got some chores done, did some reading and made a nice little meal for myself. Today I am feeling GREAT.
I guess on some level I will miss him. However, I feel a pre-emptive liberation of a burden dodged. No more will I take that kind of passive-aggressive abuse. I’m free! I don’t want to , Don’t Have To scramble to fix this.
Interesting: We were right on schedule. I believe in the 90 day window as a meaningful benchmark by which any major issues tend to reveal themselves. That’s about how long we were together, and there it is: When faced with our first uncomfortable discussion, he got up and left.
I have deleted his phone number (not blocked, only deleted) just in case I am tempted.
He left a few things in my garage. I will wait a few days and then move them to my storage shed.
If he doesn’t get them or arrange for that in the next week or 2, I will have them removed when the 1-800-JUNK guys come next month.
I have no interest in schooling a grown man on Conflict Resolution/Repair 101. I am thrilled to be free of my previous sunk cost fallacy habit when it comes to emotionally stunted or abusive men. Life is good.
Love this Ava! I’m glad you know your worth!
Thirty years of this with my husband. Manipulation through silent treatment making me beg for forgiveness to get him to talk again 15 years of him cheating, then the begging to work it out and now fours years later, back to the insults, put downs, porn, threats of cheating, and then the silent treatment and glaring when I try to stand up for myself. I should have left when I found out about all the cheating, but I didn’t. Looking back he didn’t follow through on anything he promised so of course we are back here. I’m done I don’t even care anymore if he ignores me.
Interesting article, I’m currently in an 8 year relationship with a 52 yr old male..
he stonewalls continually and the pattern is often, I’ll confront him with the questions of what’s wrong etc with that I’m stonewalled for days on end it only ends when I come crawling back ie: as described in the article..
I’m in the midst of another bout of this behaviour at the moment, continually telling me to leave our home, he doesn’t ever show signs of remorse, never an apology, even after these bouts of stonewalling he won’t acknowledge his part, and just seems to turn everything around that it’s me who made him this way and I’m a liar etc , I do tend to pursue him in order to communicate which gets frustrating, this time there is no I mean absolute no engagement, acknowledgement of my existence.. so do I walk away or do I wait? Until he gets through this ? Give him his silence?
I know his childhood was shrouded in an over critical environment and he and his siblings weren’t allowed to engage, communicate as it was seen as disrespectful..
Any insight to my situation would be valuable . I don’t want us to be over and want to try but my efforts seem futile.. this vicious cycle repeatedly..
Thanks
T
What if you go no contact with a narcissist? That is a form of silent treatment, but it is not immature, nor is it narcissistic in itself. It is self-preservation and a very necessary step towards healing.
My husband and I are considering moving to Florida. We live in Indiana and have a second home in Florida. The problem is my 85 year old Mother. She is in great health. She actually cares for my brother. Which, by the way she has almost made into a totally handicap and dependent on her person. My husband has a terribly stressful job and has had enough. So, we are thinking about if he makes a hike job change we should make our life better. We can move to Florida and become debt free and get him out of a terrible job. But, I know my Mother is going to have a fit. She will give me the silent treatment and tell me I am abandoning her. She has done this in the past. She even once overreacted to a small family issue by telling me ” I will never ask you to do a thing for me again and you dont need to be apart of anything for the family ” Like I said this was a small issue. I dont know if I can take the guilt and her reacting even worse if we decide to move. The only thing keeping me from making this move is how my Mother is going to react. I want my husband to be happy but how do I deal with the guilt she is going to throw at me.
This is a good article. Though, I find it extremely difficult to NOT respond or react to the silent treatment. My husband stonewalls me and gives me the silent treatment in the name of me “not changing patterns”. By this, he means that I’m trying to explain to him that something he did hurt me. A great example was last night, I was trying to help him with a project and he kept getting angry with me (he asked for my help btw). So I very gently said “I feel very hurt when you show me anger darling.” He claimed I was being mean to him, walked away and stonewalled me. My stupid instinct to chase kicked in and I followed him and asked him how I was being mean to him? He said “You just were” and put the blanket over his head. I can’t tell you how frustrating this behaviour is. I asked to please communicate so we could resolve the issue and could he not resort to this pattern of withdrawing from me. So that’s when he said he will never change this pattern until I change mine. I guess what he wants is that I keep my mouth shut and tolerate his anger without feeling hurt? That sound insane to me. The biggest problem is that he repeats the behaviours that hurt me and we never resolve them because he refuses to listen. 3 weeks ago, I broke up with him and he was spiteful and happy about it. I finally felt like I was going to be free of his abuse and drama…then he put on the charm and begged for a second change. 3 weeks later, same crap is starting all over again and my confidence is shot. Thanks for letting me vent here. ♥
Miraim, you describe my boyfriend of almost 8 yes to a T. The refusing to address the problem because it’s your fault you have to change and until you do what he wants and stop being mean to him you’ll get that from him. Which is somehow in his mind being good to you?!? You want to resolve and try to set boundaries and need him to give you the basic things included in a normal relationship…love respect empathy. Even if he is stubborn or doesn’t get it right away he should and apologize even try to do what you tell him will work right. Mine is so into believing he “never did anything wrong” and I am always showing him and others “what I do” thus deserve to be scolded and when I do or say something he thinks is wrong he calls off plans we made, ignores, never answers ANY question even if it’s easy like does he want steak or burgers, and blocks me instantly on his phone. So dramatic for eve the smallest things. As of two days ago I have had enough. We’ve been separated Ive been basically homeless while he gets to live in his parents basement because I’m a horrible person because he tells people things I never did which usually are things he did like take money or steal from them etc. Well he’s stood me up every time he’s told me we’d see each other for the last week and a half then when I beg him to tell me why I don’t get an answer of course just yelled at and called crazy or he says why are you freaking out over nothing…talk about mind games gaslighting. So I blocked him for a change and told him not to contact me or try to see me after going off on him a little much which is my bad since he gets to say look how crazy she is. I just say to him it’s your doing go ahead. We’ll see, I’m betting he’ll come around and act like nothing after a few days or a week. He’s thinking I’ll come back around and contact him but won’t be and the last thing I said is he can leave a photo I recently bought at a fri nds house. Ive been so close to leaving many times over the absurd way he disrespects me this time I am fine and don’t hope he comes around I know it’s just an act. You have to think about how you want to live is it like that wasting time never knowing when or if you’ll get the love you should feel from him.
Hi – I just finished reading your article and have found solace in it. Ironically, I am currently dating a psychology major, and I am unsure if he is using the silent treatment / stonewalling as a form of punishment and mind game. Through google I came across what stonewalling is and it seemed to hit home. I have dating this guy for 3 mos. Initially, sparks flew, but when I started to develop stronger feelings and noticed he would go unresponsive/disengaged through text, abruptly make plans and cancel, and always seem to ‘mess-up’ but compensate with gifts, I decided to confront him. As such, he confessed he was not over his ex-gf but yet did not want to end what we have rather for me to keep in ‘the present’ and not worry about defining a ‘future’ relationship or goals. Needless to say, I knew he was emotionally unavailable. Fast forward a month, we had unprotected sex and now I am worried I am pregnant. I told him my concern about 4 days ago and since then he has not reached out to me at all. He has gone silent and is stonewalling me. This is a horrible feeling. I wish to just walk out of this what has become toxic relationship and wish to just block him and never see/talk to him again but per the article I would be stonewalling back. What would be the best approach to handle this? I want to end the relationship but I feel he has manipulated me to stay and he won’t let me go as he always keeps coming back. This is very unhealthy and dangerous for me. Please help!
A-Bad Pain
What if your reason for going silent was because you needed to go No Contact because the other person is psychologically dangerous or triggering past trauma history?
There’s nothing that can be done about a perception of it being intentional; even if it was a legitimately needed protective boundary of oneself.
How can therapists better parse “no contact” from “silent treatment”? I agree there’s a bit of a weird interface that could be perceived either way by both parties. But if people are both experiencing reactivity for triggering each others’ trauma histories; I don’t think the best answer is necessarily to stay put and keep subconsciously setting each other off. It’s a safety and boundary issue at that point; and needs to be addressed: regardless of the encoding and decoding filter mistakes in going silent.
Sometimes people that go silent are not narcissists: they’re avoiding an actual one.
Hi Lilith,
you’re absolutely right: “Sometimes people that go silent are not narcissists: they’re avoiding an actual one.”
The way I see it, the difference is in the intent. If the intent is to punish, manipulate, or control, then it’s the silent treatment. If the intent is to protect yourself or to establish a boundary, it’s no contact. Psychologically abusive people can cause a lot of harm so no contact in that situation is justifiable, regardless of the outside perception of it.
Sincerely,
Lana
Hello
This article really was very theraputic for me …i am going thru this now “Silent Treatment ” i have been involved in a 3 1/2 online /Text relationship with a woman (We are both married im 50 and she is 51 ) in IL i live in Ohio . So last June she disappeared for like a month no contact …. i thought she died or but she was still on the words friends app but suddenly stopped her play with me …after a month after i sent a pleading message she finally responded saying …Sorry just seeing your messages everywhere ,my phone was broke and i had been sick ..no other details …after that i intensified the relationship and communication …to be sure she i didnt lose contact with her …. but there was a day or two where she was off the Grid ….so i questioned maybe she was like an escort on the side to help her Hubby pay the bills and new motorcyles (but at 51 and a little plus size is that realistic ?) long story short …my wife discovered the communications last December and all shit hit the fan with my wife and i but we were able to work thru it ….i was still communicating with Debbie but it was cut way back to being at work chatting online thru hangouts then she started hanging out with her co worker Kelsey 29 yrs oldand her fiance 46 said was introduced to a guy named Tim thru them who -Debbie told me that he told her she looked 37 this was early Feb and figured this was a new group thing where they all get together on the weekends ……So March 17th was the last day i talked to Deb online … we never had a argument ever …i always sweet to her …March 18th she saw my Friday Message but did not respond .. i sent her some more messages Sat n Sun eve …all nice nothing bad …Monday it looked like she signed out of hangouts she was showing not active for 2 weeks then one day shut off that setting …the fool i was i sent her email each week asking what happenned and trying to guess …. now i dont send read receipts but email tells me when they open it …. so everytime she did open it …and its like why cant you type a response … this Silent treatment on top of i was doing better with my wife really sent me to another place mentally , made me feel weak mentally when i am usually strong and secure ..i do not wish this on anybody …. the words that came to me before i read this article …i felt she came up from behind me and strangled me and i could not say anything …. thought of her as gutless … and the last day i talked to her …i said “if your not into this anymore please tell me ” and she replied “No its just not it , i am sorry you feel that way ! Just a couple of nuggets her husband has been mentally abusive thru the years…. She …” not him ” sleeps on the couch away from him and has alot of freedom with her phone ….but this article really helped understand that it is not me …it s the other person who is doing this to -me -Feel free to comment on this -thank you !!
let me add her Husband is elec contractor and has been laid off for 2 months now …i think about their motorcyles , cars and big house payment …i still wonder is it possible he pimps her out to pay the bills …one time she wasnt at work INS co and she said she needed time to herself and rented a hotel room by HERSELF ……cmon ..so i still cant help to think maybe thats why she has shut me off ….she is hustling because she has no choice to and this isnt the right time to be talking to me
So, on a scale of 0-9, how much pain and dishonesty are you bringing into your marriage and Debbie’s compared to how much pain and dishonesty you feel free to cause your wife to endure? And with a dishonest outsider who cries abuse by a husband/fiancé whatever he is that she is still with? What did your wife do to deserve this kind of heartbreaking behavior by someone who is supposed to protect her? I wonder how she feels. She seems to be the only one not participating and you are worried about being ignored by some hussy who is probably lying to you? If only you were so true to your own wife. You can’t be trusted and neither can Debbie, so expect her to do to you what she’s doing to her significant other if she even has one, she can’t have much of an opinion of you for doing the same thing, going behind your wife’s back and not giving a damn how much you’re hurting her. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. You’re mad about someone not talking to you who couldn’t possibly love you and you totally disregard the pain you’re causing your wife whom you are supposed to love and who loves you. She gave you another chance that shows that she believes in your integrity and what do you do? You reoffend. I think your problem is that you don’t think you’re lovable so you don’t appreciate love when you have it and instead you find someone who is just as weak as you are and then expect her to treat you like gold. If you decide that you are capable of being a good person who has something outstanding to bring to your wife, you wouldn’t even want to stray. How can she be anything to you when you are not even participating in your marriage? You know you are stealing her life from her and treating it like toilet paper. Are you proud of yourself? Do you have so many admirers and people who believe in you that you can just toss a few of them away because you have enough? At least have some decency and tell them you’re tossing them away so they can make a better decision while you’re worrying about your hoe not speaking to you. If you don’t have what you promised her, clue her in before you start beating her for reacting to your absent heart. You are probably so consumed with guilt about it that you will resent her for displaying her pain. I can’t imagine the insecurity she deals with every day. That could eat a person alive and you probably make her feel like shit for suggesting you might be doing something wrong Until the pain makes her so unappealing to you to look at, you talked yourself into blaming her and leaving her because you don’t like what your actions do to her. It seems that you feel you can only be happy with someone as guilty as you are. Why do you have to mess up someone else’s life? I can’t believe what I just read. It seems like a lost cause. You’re having a long-distance text affair which is bad and you’re having it with someone who is also bad and you’re wondering why she behaves badly. A person with poor character can’t possibly be anything to anyone else, especially another person with poor character. You should be proud of what you can bring to another person, and above all you should be proud of your marriage and your only goal should be to show yourself and your wife and others that you’re a worthy husband otherwise you’ll never respect yourself. How can you care about this less than impressive person more than your wife? She obviously sees something in you, why don’t you take that ball and run with it?Good luck.
I love this- I am greatful to read this relief(anti venom) after reading this horrific concern of the married man in his 50’s acting like a prepubecent teenager* Bravo his venom was killing me i hated the horrific cowardice underlying these much bigger issues he seems to casualy and numbingly bypass on a daily basis- you describing the pain his REAL wife must feel and the denial he is in gave me great comfort- thank you- whew- thank Jesus.
I needed to hear your responce bc I feel there are no good people left in the world and i am appauled at the support other people get with lame sad stories like his- it frightens me about my future and then here you come…yayyyyy! any ways thank you. ( Im pregnate and i approached the babies father about his hidden stash i found well he was passed out high on his secret drugs and a rx bottle rolled out his pocket on to the kitchen floor where i found it the next day- he looked all over for it and i eventually THANKED GOD for revealing this to me (even tho im still hurt it was a major stab in the back to see he was into these type drugs bc whats he doing on them… sitting on his hands or better yet with them in his lap- no. Our next issue was- he was out till 3 a.m at night a few times every week and I’ve been living with him and helping his cold hearted mean parents while I’m pregnate with his child- i FIRST expressed my need and desire for him to be home at night and he wouldn’t respect that – only pick on me for being JELOUSE and also, he would keep going out at night and tell me he was working and the summer heat blah blah blah is why he works in the cooler hours- anywayssssss- so i found drugs and God knows i would have ate all the crap he was feeding me- but I approached him about the drugs eventually, too- now he dosen’t speak to me at all- (oh i actually left without explaining why i just took my toddler and my 11 year old and went to my mothers who is also a toxic woman, narc* different story but explains why im putting up with such a rotten character- ) now being at my moms- i decided to inform him of my knowledge of his horrific drug abuse and asked him about it- he told me hes been using for his whole life and trying to get off them for 6 years… hmm… he also thinks we’ve been together for 6 years and its only been 3. so I really wonder how bad off this guy really is- and ((it is torture to be pregnate and alone- it is also torture to be pregnate and find out the father is on major major drugs, meth, pills of every kind pain ect, and all at once- and it ALSO IS DRIVING ME INSANE BEING IGNORED WHEN I DID NOTHING-WRONG-
I gave him honesty I loved his parents. I did’nt just get angry when he left at night i told him – i didnt like it, and asked him to please stay home with me and the girls at night, I was faced with the most immature responces like “I don’t answer to you!!” shouting from his driver window as he drives off into the night. and also, “your not my mom” WOW I was truly discusted* anyways YOUR responce to this 50+ year old married man was well deserved and kicked butt and I dont think it was a judgement it was simply an ode to the heart of every woman- bc women do have hearts that can love while men seem to struggle with the duty of doing this- its like they cant self sacrifice or it means they aren’t kings and there for they are not men. But Jesus…. (I’m glad you said something bc I am going threw it right now girl im due in the beginning of december 2021 and I just cant believe how he dosent understand that i cant raise 3 kids on my own- i need help- SOBER help- COMMITED HELP and i believe if nothing else— God has sent him away so i can recieve the one that will be better and worth and able to give me and willing to give me all that God wants for me- but also during this time ive discovered my mom is a narcissit my ex before this guy- narcissist, and this current fellow of the past 3 years— more like an emotionally unavailable jerk- but either way the whole not talking to me or telling me why makes me lean towards the idea he too is a narcissist, bc he must think himself higher than me to cross boundries over and over and assume he still deserves to be in the relationship recieveing a fair amount of his portion of love- what the hell quit being a coward and sucking someones life away from them with your lies- i would have wanted to know if he was into someone else so i could say yes to all the men constantly hitting on me everywhere i go!!!!
Greetings and thanks for caring. I am a 58 year old well educated high school teacher. I hold several advance degrees in teaching along with being an award winning writer. With all that being said, I had not even fathomed the idea of NPD inn live. Sure, I met people who were stuck on themselves but not like a female narcissist. I met a beautiful red headed attorney some years ago. On and off we communicated via Facebook, etc. Then, in August of 2020 we had our first date. Wow, the magic of that night and the subsequent ones that followed! Then, the accusations set in by her; I’m an Opioid addict (!), I have closet homosexual tendencies, etc. None of that is true. Then, after she moved away from a house that she could no longer afford, I ended up paying for that, she then discarded me, telling me that she can no longer be intimate with me. Refusing my phone calls, blocking me, cutting off from social media, etc. At first I was dumbfounded and then after spending hours per day online studying about NPD, I discovered all of the reasons why she is doing what she’s doing. Yes, the pain is unbearable but I have not contacted her in many weeks. Imagine, an attorney working for a large city acting like a child. Impressive!
I noticed that there are some spelling errors in my writing. To a high school teacher, that’s a fate worse than death! I wrote my article in a hurry and at a very early hour in the morning. I apologize for my errors.
Jim,
you’re right, narcissists can act in very childish ways because they’re emotionally immature. If the woman you’re describing is in fact narcissistic, it’s a good thing that you’re staying away from her. Keep it up, the pain will eventually go away, and you will be left with a valuable life experience.
Lana
P.S. No worries, I didn’t notice anything! 🙂
Stonewalling and ostracism are very powerful. I was ostracised by my ex girlfriend when old friends came back into her life and she completely shut down emotionally. I’m not her usual type and the shame of her being judged brought her anxiety and as a defence mechanism I was ostracised. I tried saying sorry and blamed myself for a long time which led to an OCD through intrusive thoughts. Check out the relationship between punitive ostracism and OCD for an interesting read. Don’t blame yourself and take care.
What is the difference between the silent treatment and going “no contact”?
Hi Jo,
the difference is in the intent behind it. The silent treatment is a form of punishment. It’s an emotional manipulation meant to control or influence your behavior. Going “no contact” is a choice to stop contact with an abusive person. When you go “no contact,” you’re not punishing the person. You’re saying: I love you but having you in my life causes me harm, and I can no longer tolerate it.
Sincerely,
Lana
Would a person going “no contact” let the other person know? Because often times with the silent treatment, the other party has no idea why the person giving it is so angry/ upset. I could see a narcissist claiming “no contact” as the punish someone and making themselves the victim.
awesome article by the way! Really encouraging for me as I am on day 7 of my husbands silence.
Hi Allie,
it depends on the circumstances. Sometimes a person is formally given a “notice” of no contact, not only informing them of no contact but also asking them not to initiate contact. Other times it’s “implied” and everyone understands the situation.
If your husband’s giving you the silence, most likely it is not no contact but the silent treatment. He is punishing you, knowing that it will torture you the most. I have to say, 7 days of silent treatment is a really long time for a spouse not to talk to the other spouse. It’s not normal. If he refuses to talk to you, perhaps, he’ll agree to discuss the issue in a therapist’s office.
Lana
Would it not be fair to say that the difference is whether it’s intermittent or final? Using the behavior intermittent and calling it no contact will nonetheless have the same damaging effects on the receiver. Relying on intention creates a loophole and possible deniability for perpetrators. No contact would entail that the relationship is over while benefiting both parties long term. The same behavior becomes abusive when it’s intermittent, sending signals of ‘you matter-you matter not’ on repeat, and only benefits the perpetrator. Otherwise the silent treatment (abusive) turns into no contact (non-abusive) as soon as the perpetrator claims the victim’s reaction elicited it. Since the perpetrator needed to defend against the victim’s “abuse” (pleas to stop, or attempts to hold the other accountable) he/she can claim good intentions, and repeat the behavior without accountability.