Are you locked in a child custody battle with a narcissist? It may be your ex or maybe even your child’s toxic grandparent.

If so, you need to know exactly how to approach this situation to give you the best chances of getting custody.

Defeating the narcissist in court is all about knowing who you’re dealing with, and why they do what they do. Know your enemy — this adage has never been more true.

So here is what you need to know in order to handle a child custody battle with a narcissist.

Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer. Nothing that’s written in this post should be considered legal advice. These are tips and questions to ponder in order to give you a better understanding of a narcissist’s psychological makeup. If you have any questions or concerns, please discuss them with your legal representative.

Be ready for anything

Narcissists are extremely crafty and manipulative, and they can twist the truth in their favor like no other.

They’re especially good at finding loopholes and gray areas in court orders and documents.

They also work very hard at presenting a “saintly” public image so many people will be fooled by that, including law professionals who don’t have experience working with narcissistic or any cluster B personalities.

So expect your ex to bring their “A” game to this custody dispute. They’ll be prepared and ready to fight, so you have to be ready, too. They are going to throw everything at you.

They will try to attack your character, your life choices, your parenting ability…Be ready for that, and stay calm no matter what they say or do.

Document everything

Narcissists tend to make a great first impression, but if you get to know them, you’ll find out a much darker side to that charismatic facade.

As someone who knows them, you’ve probably witnessed your fair share of incidents of verbal, emotional, or even physical abuse, questionable behavior, cruelty, dishonesty, manipulation, etc.

Now you have to show it to the family court, and make the judge believe you.

So document everything — every single incident of narcissistic or abusive behavior, with relevant details.

Start a file with any supportive documentation – emails, texts, social media posts, maybe even recordings, and keep adding to it every time your ex steps over a boundary or violates an agreement.

If you have witnesses who can testify to a narcissist mistreating you or your children, even better.

Hearsay doesn’t hold much weight in court. You’ve got to think in terms of evidence.

You watch all those CSI shows, right? So think forensically!

Also document what they don’t do or say. Do they attend parent-teacher conferences, doctor appointments, birthday parties, sports games, school plays?

If they don’t, collect statements from teachers, physicians, and any other relevant witnesses to prove your ex’s absenteeism.

Simply put, make sure that whenever you make a case against a narcissist, you’re talking facts, dates, names, specifics.

If you don’t have any documentation, start documenting now. Note any arguments or bizarre behavior on a calendar, and make it detailed.

Without a doubt, the narcissist will try to present themselves as perfect parent. So it’s on you to dismantle this false image, brick by brick.

That also goes for you: be careful of saying things in a heat of the moment. The narcissist will also be gathering evidence against you, and maybe even provoking you to stoop to their level.

Keep calm and stay away

As a rule, try not to have any arguments (or even contact) with the narcissistic ex (or whoever you’re battling in court) prior to the custody hearing.

Narcissists are very good at pulling you into conflict and making you emotional. Because when you’re emotional, you’re likely to make a mistake. Then the narcissist will use that against you in court.

So if you do get into an argument, or there’s no way to avoid it in the future, make sure (this is very important!) that you stay calm no matter what they throw at you.

If you snap and start cursing, calling him or her names, or throwing around threats, they’ll use it in court against you.

So don’t give them any ammunition! If an amicable agreement can’t be reached, it’s best to leave the mediation to the lawyers.

I know this is wicked hard because your child is involved, so you’re bound to be emotional, defensive, anxious, or in a “fight mode.” Resist the urge to get into it with a narcissist!

They always win when you lose your cool.

Don’t label or diagnose

When you’re in court, avoid self-diagnosing the narcissist. It may be very clear to you what they are, but it’s not clear to the court. So it may backfire on you because it makes you look slanderous and judgmental.

The last thing you want to do is make the narcissist look like the nice, sensible one!

Rather, talk about specific examples of troubling behavior that affects (or affected) your child negatively without putting a label on anyone.

Here are a few posts about the damage narcissistic or toxic parents can inflict on children:

• 10 Ways a Narcissistic Grandmother Can Harm Your Children
• Why Some Parents Don’t Love Their Children
• 20 Heartbreaking Signs of a Manipulative Mother
• Physical Discipline: The Toxic Effects of Hitting a Child

Again, this isn’t a diagnostic tool, but it can give you some ideas about which behaviors are problematic (or you might use your own examples).

Have faith in yourself

This may be a tough one because most people who end up in child custody battles with their narcissistic exes have endured years of emotional abuse. So they’re not coming from the strongest state of mind.

You may feel defeated, beaten down, and just freaking exhausted. The narcissist had been undermining you and chipping away at your self-confidence and self-worth for years.

By the time you step foot into that courtroom, you may feel like you have nothing left in you.

The only thing that keeps you going is the love for your child. You may have lost your marriage, your illusions, and your dreams of having a perfect family, but you’re not losing your child.

You will do whatever it takes to protect your child, right?

Tap into that deep, bottomless well of love you have for your kids, and find strength, courage, and faith to fight the narcissist. This is the time to hold them accountable.

So lead with confidence, and believe that everything will be resolved for the highest and best good of all concerned. 

Find the right lawyer

If at all possible, find a lawyer who’s proficient at dealing with cluster B personalities. It can make all the difference!

Narcissists are skilled at masking their true self, and most people aren’t educated or experienced with this phenomenon to see the signs.

The truth is, even professionals in the psychotherapy field will often fall for the narcissist’s projected image. Yes, the narcissist can have the shrink eating out of their hand!

The lawyers, the judges, the police, and other law officials are even less likely to recognize a narcissist (unless they’ve had experience with this before). So make sure you get the best representation possible.

A lawyer versed in dealing with a narcissist will know how to expose them. Because for all the smoke and mirrors the narcissist has little impulse control.

If the lawyer can push certain buttons and make them feel threatened, they might go into overdrive and explode with rage. Just a glimpse of their true face will be enough for the judge to see them as an unfit parent, and rule in your favor.

Even if you don’t have a lawyer who is experienced in dealing with a narcissist, talk to the one you do have about your ex (or a family member who’s trying to get custody of your kids).

Explain to them what you’re dealing with, and together come up with a strategy to defeat the narcissist in court.

What about a psychological evaluation of the narcissist?

In some cases, a psych eval can be very helpful. For example, in cases of clear and documented physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, substance abuse, concurring disorders, history of incarceration, etc.

But in most cases, you’re dealing with a narcissist of a more covert nature.

Their pathology isn’t as severe, and therefore, it’s much harder to prove. Most psychologists won’t even diagnose NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), as it is considered a rare condition. Only between 0.5 and 1 percent of the population meets the clinical criteria.

So the psychologist is more likely to diagnose narcissistic features or traits. This doesn’t get you an advantage in court since most people have traits of narcissism to some degree.

So consider if the 730 psychological evaluation is in your best interests. Because if it comes back without a clear diagnosis of NPD, the judge may see you as someone who’s trying to manipulate the court.

Helpful resources for child custody battles with a narcissist

Child custody battles can take years, and cost tens of thousands of dollars.

It’s even more expensive when the narcissist keeps dragging you to court to try to change the custody agreement again and again.

If you’re strapped for cash, there are pro bono lawyers you can get for your child’s custody hearings, provided you meet the income requirements.

You can check with your state government’s website in the self-help resources section or request services from a pro bono attorney.

If you’re looking for some information before committing to an attorney, you can also find free legal advice.

NEXT

5 Ways Toxic People Violate Your Boundaries

How to Disarm a Manipulator (When You’re a People Pleaser)

10 Grave Mistakes to Avoid When Going No Contact with a Narcissist